Thingsfallapart Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 I am a married man. I am married with 2 children who I love more than anything and I am married to a good woman who cares for me. I love my wife as a friend and am basically staying in the marriage for my children who are both still very young. I have had a few very short flings previously. My wife knows but refuses to divorce me because she says she loves me and the kids will hate me if I leave, which I couldn't live with. I want my kids to be happy even if that means I have to stay... 2 years ago I met a woman and we really hit it off straight away. We slept together the first night and quickly started spending a lot of free time together... She was 7 years younger and I felt that she was everything I wanted so we both quickly got too deep into each other. She was like the female version of me. And after a while my emotions got stronger and stronger and so did hers. I explained that I couldn't leave my kids and she said she understood and stayed with me because she said she loved me and understood my situation. After the first 8 months, she wanted more and I felt bad and called of the relationship and said we could remain friends. A month later I decided I would leave my wife for her but soon discovered that she had had been having sex with two other guys. Which she lied about and tried to hide. I forgave her and she forgave me and we started to have our relationship again. However, I caught her having a somewhat EA with another guy over the internet. She sent him sexy pics. I forgave again because she said she was scared I was going to leave her again. I could understand that. But all of these things put a strain on our relationship because I found it really hard to trust her because she would always lie to my face so many times... A whole year our relationship was perfect... however I started to get really suspicious that she was messaging guys over the internet again we had a big fight and called off the relationship mutually. However, I had regret and still wanted and needed her so bad. But she was very cold and distant. Later on we get back to how we were before and after a lot of lies she admits to having met a guy for sex during our break up and sending sexual pics to 2 other guys... I am angry and we argue again. She continues messaging the two guys because she says she needs to have a proper relationship now... I tell her I love her and I want us to have one more chance. She gives me an ultimatum. My family or her. I explain that my wife will never divorce me. She said she always knew that but always hoped I would start a family with her. She says she wants a proper relationship with me or with someone else... I would have left my wife if I thought I could trust her because she is a compulsive liar. She says that our relationship was irregular and she wouldn't be like if we had a proper relationship that wasn't an affair... We make up and both explain our feelings. We love each other but can't have each other and maybe it's best to try and be friends sometime in the future . We decide to go NC. Today is only my 2nd day of NC and I miss her so much. I miss talking to her. I miss meeting her. I feel so depressed that she is moving on again so quickly. I really love her so much and want to keep her in my life... Will any of the ladies here give me some advice about how she can move on so quickly with other guys. Because I can't understand it. I don't want to let her go, she is a massive part of my life... I don't even know if she misses me the way I miss her... Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 (edited) Will any of the ladies here give me some advice about how she can move on so quickly with other guys. Because I can't understand it. Because she's not a quality woman. [] Edited September 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Rude ~6 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thingsfallapart Posted September 25, 2017 Author Share Posted September 25, 2017 But she loved me and I know that she really loved me. You can't fake that kind of love... And she didn't cheat per se... we were broken up at the time... Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 But she loved me and I know that she really loved me. You can't fake that kind of love... And she didn't cheat per se... we were broken up at the time... But she's still someone who doesn't value fidelity. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thingsfallapart Posted September 25, 2017 Author Share Posted September 25, 2017 Yeah but she was rebounding... a lot of women rebound straight away after breaking up, no? That's what I'm asking Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 (edited) [] To the OP: You said yourself that this AP is like a female version of yourself. Well, you know that you have trouble with monogamy. You have had many little flings in the past. Does it surprise you that she has little flings as well? You keep her on a string, wanting her to belong to only you, but at the same time refusing to leave your wife. I am NOT saying that you should leave your wife, but I'm saying, look at this from your AP's perspective. She's constantly bounced around by you. You tell her how much you care, then you panic and break the relationship off and tell her you just want to be friends. She's hurt, so she seeks attention from other men to try and make herself feel better. Then suddenly you rush in and say you'll leave your wife for her, but you immediately take that back, to... punish her for 'cheating' on you when you were broken up? And you put her back in the affair, back in second place, and around and around things go. Basically, your relationship with her is not healthy for either of you. You are both lying to and manipulating each other. Even if you were single, you have built up a long list of anger and distrust towards each other. If you were both single and you got together, you would both fight and cheat on each other, it's almost certain. You have a very negative dynamic going on. You need to stick to total NC. No "being friends again in the future" because that will just lead you back into the same mess. You will be friendly, then you will be jealous, then you will have angry sex, then you will hate each other. Edited September 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Response to deleted post ~6 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thingsfallapart Posted September 25, 2017 Author Share Posted September 25, 2017 (edited) So many mistakes, Wow, I feel like you really kind of understood our relationship. I know this sounds so corny but I really do love her a lot and just want to keep her in my life... but at the same time, I don't want to be the guy she always comes back to after she has been used by some guy... because I never once cheated on her... I had sex with my wife though and that was what pushed her to rebound quickly to other guys... I don't know... But I really don't want to let her go but I really know it's just going to cause me pain if I meet her as just friends where I can't even kiss her or touch her. And for all the whole trust issues, I told her to go to therapy as I think she is a manic depressive or possibly BPD... I really want to break NC and tell her I understand everything and I'm sorry and what we had was special. Really special... But at the same time , I know she is messaging guys and probably meeting guys... Edited September 25, 2017 by Thingsfallapart Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 Before I rush in with opinions, I've got a few questions. How much time did you spend with her on a weekly basis? Were you able to spend the night together frequently? Give her lots of your weekend time? Integrate her into your life? If you were limited as to what you could give her, it's stands to reason that she'd stay open to meet men who would better meet her needs. It's also much easier to walk away from a relationship which one does not find satisfactory. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 I agree... A healthy woman in a healthy relationship does not do what she has done - from the fact that she slept with a married man on the first night that you met, to the fact that she cheated and sent nude photos when you were "broken up," and now... moving on again. Not a quality or healthy woman. You trusted the wrong woman. You are a married man, cheating in your wife, but hoping to have essentially a "monogamous" relationship with the other woman. Clearly, this is not your woman... She liked the attention and the sex she gets from men... She's just doing with them, what she did when she met you... Making an impulsive decision that shows poor judgment, seeking attention and sex from a man... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thingsfallapart Posted September 25, 2017 Author Share Posted September 25, 2017 She is just damaged and weak and gets used, I think... Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 She is just damaged and weak and gets used, I think... She is looking for what you are unwilling to give her. You want a one-sided monogamous relationship with her. At this point, she likely feels that you used her. There is no upside of this for her. Leave her alone, and figure yourself out. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 because I never once cheated on her... I had sex with my wife though and that was what pushed her to rebound quickly to other guys... I don't know... Ah, but in her mind she could very well have considering this ^^^^ cheating on her. She may have thought that if you were having sex outside of your A, why couldn't she? I will echo what SoMany said. She was trying to find someone else because you weren't leaving your M. Her timing was bad, no doubt, but who, in the throes of an affair, makes rational decisions? Unfortunately it looks like too much damage has been done here. Let her go so she can find a relationship with a single guy. Sorry for your pain OP. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 She is just damaged and weak and gets used, I think... Which is usually the case with OW, they are in a weak and vulnerable position in their lives for some reason and accept the advances of the MM, a stable healthy woman would have told you to take a hike back to your wife. You did your fair share of using and abusing her and driving her crazy too. Hot/cold, push/pull, I'm not leaving my wife, yes I am leaving my wife, no I am not leaving my wife, we are great together, we are split up, we cannot be together I am so mad and jealous, you cannot see other guys, but of course I am sleeping with my wife, we are on break, I love you, I am leaving my wife, no I am not... on and on.... It is crazy making stuff as she never knows where she really stands, whereas you know exactly where you stand. YOU hold the power and control and she mostly dances to your tune. Eventually she gives you an ultimatum as she cannot stand the torture any longer... Leave her alone. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 You don't need your wife's permission to divorce. You can just move out and file. Also to expect your OW to stay faithful to you and not date others while you're still living at home living life with your wife and kids is ridiculous. Staying married for the sake of the kids is not an excuse. You can still see them and be in their lives once a divorce happens. It's unhealthy now what you're doing to them by cheating them of your time when you're with the OW. Your wife isn't a babysitter so you can go out and play. Sorry that sounds harsh but the longer you stay married the more pain and damage your doing to your wife and family unit as one. IF the A is really over, then re invest in your wife, go to marriage counseling and try to remember why you married her in the first place. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 You were living two sham relationships. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 She is just damaged and weak and gets used, I think... Yep. And she will soon realize, if she hasn't already, that you are just another guy who has damaged and used her. You are what we call a cake eater. You want your OW but not enough to actually take any steps to be with her. When it comes time to make a choice you start to look for fault in her so that you can stay in the safety of your marriage and family home. Not saying you should leave your wife for her but you should stop focussing on her so much and start looking in the mirror. What you have with this OW is very toxic and dysfunctional. It's sick but you are no better than her. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 Leave your wife because you know you care nothing for her and then spend all of your time chasing the OW. Perhaps when you actually leave your wife the OW will be there for you. BTW, you do not need your wife's approval to get a divorce. Just file already. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 I suspect a real relationship with this OW wouldn't be nearly as amazing as the OP thinks. Right now, the OW was an escape from the OP's facade of a marriage. It wasn't reality. The dynamics of these relationships change a lot once they're out in the open and you work in the uninteresting day-to-day stuff rather than it just being about secret meet-ups and stealing time together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 Will any of the ladies here give me some advice about how she can move on so quickly with other guys. Because I can't understand it. I don't want to let her go, she is a massive part of my life... I don't even know if she misses me the way I miss her... I'll tell you what my brother told me when my XH moved on to other women at the speed of light after his affair partner ended it when I found out. He immediately found someone else. I asked my brother how could he possibly move on so fast while I was in incredible pain still. He told me that it would be better if I could accept that he had moved on long before the divorce. He was already cheating, looking and whatever else he was doing. He was all but gone, anyway. You affair partner moved on, not with one person, but with several. I'm not calling her names - just saying, she was already gone and you were thinking she was still there thinking you were the only one. Not true. You were one of several and not all that convenient. You really are doing your wife no favors by staying with her. She wants to stay married and that is understandable, but maybe if she knew the full extent of your love for the OW, she wouldn't. Your children will adjust and you can work out joint custody. In any case, you don't need her permission to divorce. I swear - I just don't get it. Why do people who are not happy in their marriage and not in love with their partner, stay married and cheat? Why not be an honest and honorable person and have the courage to live an authentic life? Affairs are so destructive to a person's psyche and happy parents are better for children than living in an unhappy home. Not a fan of Dr. Phil, but I do agree with his idea that children are better off from a broken home than in one. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 Good morning, 1. There were duplicate threads mis-posted in the wrong forums. I merged them and placed them in the most appropriate forum 2. There may be some duplicate content. I left a report open for moderation to review the thread. 3. In the interim, here's the gist of the topic: We decide to go NC. Today is only my 2nd day of NC and I miss her so much. I miss talking to her. I miss meeting her. I feel so depressed that she is moving on again so quickly. I really love her so much and want to keep her in my life... Will any of the ladies here give me some advice about how she can move on so quickly with other guys. Because I can't understand it. I don't want to let her go, she is a massive part of my life... I don't even know if she misses me the way I miss her... --------------------- Please focus on the topic and in accordance with our guidelines of discussion, remembering LoveShack.org is an international forum. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thingsfallapart Posted September 25, 2017 Author Share Posted September 25, 2017 She texted me tonight to say she needs me and wants me again! Now I'm confused Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 She texted me tonight to say she needs me and wants me again! Now I'm confused Why are you confused? It's what you wanted! Please, leave your wife and go be with this woman. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thingsfallapart Posted September 25, 2017 Author Share Posted September 25, 2017 My wife said she doesn't care if I have a mistress but if I choose to divorce she will make the kids hate me. So I'm stuck. I don't want my kids to see that. And she said she needs me and wants me but she was the one who wanted to go NC and she was the one that wanted space Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 She texted me tonight to say she needs me and wants me again! Now I'm confused She's probably still very much attached to you and misses you. Even though she was the one who broke it off, I'm sure it wasn't an easy decision for her to make. You have been a part of her life for two years, if I read correctly. It's just that you pointed out to her clearly that you would never leave your family. For this reason, of course she tries to find other partners by dating around. It's probably not what she wants to do, but what she has to do, in order to find some distraction, and, if she gets lucky, a guy that meets her needs and who can be with her officially and publicly. I don't think she's a "broken woman" any more then you you're a "broken" man, and I'm not saying that you are, but I don't understand why you would even question her behavior, while you yourself are not into monogamy, having had many flings in the past while married.....So how are you any different from her? I would also like to add, that she has way more "rights" to date other guys, because she's not married, and she should consider herself single, because you're not committing to her. So I don't see anything wrong with her behavior at all. And regarding your initial question about how she can move on so fast? I don't think she can. She's just trying to survive and distract herself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 My wife said she doesn't care if I have a mistress but if I choose to divorce she will make the kids hate me. So I'm stuck. I don't want my kids to see that. And she said she needs me and wants me but she was the one who wanted to go NC and she was the one that wanted space Then your problem has been solved. Your mistress wants you back and your wife is ok with it. Link to post Share on other sites
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