I Keep Cheating, but My Husband Doesn't Want to Divorce

[TheRainbow]

I want to come straight out and said I've been cheating on my husband on and off our entire relationship. I'm not proud of it but I can't seem to stop.

 

I'm thirty-two years old, been with my husband for thirteen years and married ten years. He is eleven years older than me.

 

Six months into our relationship I cheated for the first time. I was working part-time as a waitress and there was this one customer I would flirt with every time he came into the restaurant. One day he gave me his number and we began to text. In a six month period, we met up and had sex at least a dozen times. I broke it off when he wanted something more. He ended up telling my husband. We "broke" up for a week when he wanted to give us another chance.

 

A couple months after getting caught, we moved in together and I quit my job. After a few months of no job, and my husband working long hours at work, I got a job as a cashier. I worked mostly evenings, which didn't leave a lot of time for my husband and me to spend together. So I befriended a co-worker and we started to hang out during the day while not at work. After a few months of this, I told my husband I was falling for this other guy and I didn't want him to find out by anyone else. We "worked it out" and I quit this job and went no contact with the co-worker.

 

I look back and wonder why my husband didn't just dump me. We were barely together a year and a half at the time, and I had two inappropriate relationships with other men. He was successful with a college degree and I was a high school drop out.

 

Back to the story. After three months of no contact, I broke no contact and began texting him. I didn't meet in person the two and half months we texted one another. I only stopped contact when I found out I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. A few weeks later on our 2nd year anniversary of dating my husband proposed and we got engaged. A month before I gave birth we moved twelve hours away to a new city. When our daughter was two months old we got married. The night before, I was having second thoughts and had a one night stand. To this day he doesn't know about the one night stand.

 

For the first year of my daughter's life, I had Post Partum Depression. I ate, slept, and took care of my daughter. After finally getting on antidepressants at my husbands urging did I start feeling myself again. I went back to school and got my grade twelve, graduating with honors. Our marriage was thriving, I hadn't thought about other men or engaged in any inappropriate relations in over two years.

 

But after my grade twelve graduation, I started working shortly before our third year anniversary, and almost immediately I started flirting with my boss. After working for six months, the company I worked for paid for some schooling in return for a two year contract. I accepted. My boss and I spent a lot of late nights together, which resulted in me spending less time at home and with my husband. This was the beginning of a three year affair, strictly happening at work.

 

It wasn't until a disgruntled former co-worker informed my husband was I caught. My husband damanded I quit my job. I refused and told him I wanted a divorce. We'd share custody, he'd could have the house, keep his pension and I wouldn't ask for any child or spousal support. We were approaching our sixth year anniversary at this point. I really didn't want to stay married to him or quit my job.

 

He begged me for another chance. I really should have just let him go. I was abusing him emotionally. I still am. But I ended up staying and I stopped my physical affair. Eventually, my boss transferred.

 

My partner and I attended marriage counselling for a few months but just stopped because of work schedules. On our seventh year anniversary, I told my husband I wanted another baby. So for nine months, we tried to have a baby with no luck. We started seeing a fertility specialist and found out my husband had varicocele. So after surgery, we tried again. Around this time my then boss transferred back but into a different department. I didn't tell my husband. So the affair started up again and eventually I ended up pregnant. My daughter is now four months old, and I honestly don't know if my husband's the father. I think he is because she looks like our ten years old.

 

I recently told my husband that I didn't love him anymore. I care about him as a person but I realize I don't want to stay married. I don't know if I ever really wanted to be married. I either can't or won't commit and I don't know why. I have a loving husband, two great kids, a great house and career but I'm not satisfied. I told my husband I want a divorce but he doesn't. He doesn't know our youngest may not be his. I'm a piece of work I know. He wants to try counselling, but I just want to free. I want to work on being a good mother and not continuing to drag him through the mud.

 

If anyone read all this, do you have any advice?

[doyathinkso]

Give the poor sap a break. Walk away.

[RecentChange]

My thoughts?

 

Your husband doesn't love himself enough to want more for himself.

 

This was codependent from the start. You have always worn the pants, and were abusive in your power. He, is codependent and basically turned into a door mat.

 

You have never respected him, and he does not have respect for himself.

 

If I had a crystal ball, my guess would be - you will keep cheating and escalate your bad behavior, subconsciously perhaps, hoping if it gets bad enough, he will get a back bone and walk away.

 

You need to be strong enough to do what he isn't, and end it. And YES to counseling, you need it terribly, as does he.

 

As for your youngest, get a DNA test. You can do them through the mail these days at low cost (seriously, if you need to, have it sent to a friend's house, or get a PO box for a month).

 

Get the results, if he is the father, then there is nothing to tell (beyond proceeding with a divorce).

 

If he is not the father, you should schedule couples counseling and break the new under the guidance of a professional.

 

Honestly, as.... Terrible as it may sound, I understand where you are coming from. I am not saying it's right, but I get it.

[TheRainbow]

The sad thing is when I asked him why he wants to stay with someone who can't stay faithful. His response was that he loved me and believed I truly loved him and with a lot of hard work we could make it. Then after a few days he approached me and asked me if I thought I had a sex addiction and if that is why I look for sex outside the marriage. I did my own research and I just don't fit the bill. I'm just selfish.

 

Also, RecentChange. I'll take your advice and seek a paternity test done without his knowledge. Then proceed from there.

[JuneL]

Some people are not cut out to be faithful, while there are others who think nothing about having a spouse who cheats on them left and right. As long as they are fine with each other, who am I to judge?

[BaileyB]

This is not really about your husband, it is all about you.

 

You are responsible for your decisions. He is responsible for his decisions.

 

He is clearly codependent and he has obviously decided that staying with a woman who treats him badly is better than being alone. That is his decision.

 

It doesn't absolve you from doing what is right. Either, you tell him the truth about your child's paternity and be faithful to this man... or do the right thing and let him go. Nobody deserves to be treated the way you are treating your husband.

[BettyDraper]

Why won't you file for divorce if you feel trapped and you don't love your husband?

Do you take pride in being cruel to him?

[coolheadal]

If you don't plan on ever getting married again you can move out and live on your own or with the new love of your life. This might force your current husband to give you a divorce. You shouldn't be living with him in the first place. Your cheating on him with another man. Do you have kids with him though? If not you can move out and get away from him. This is your call we all can't say any better.

[TheRainbow]

I don't take pride in what I'm doing. But it doesn't change that I do it. I have tried to stop and I've tried to seek what is lacking from the relationship but at the end of the day, I just realize it isn't anything he's doing wrong. He's the whole package any normal sane woman would want. He's your typical nice guy. Maybe that is why I stray because he is too nice.

[Normm]

This is not really about your husband, it is all about you.

 

 

That's funny when I read the post I thought "This is all about the husband and his complete lack of independence and such high levels of insecurity that he cannot walk away from a woman who treats him so poorly".

 

 

In truth it's about both of them and their myriad of dysfunctional issues which will probably perpetuate until the cheating wife grows tired of him and files for divorce because it's clear that he never will, his fear will prevent any sort of action.

[BaileyB]

That's funny when I read the post I thought "This is all about the husband and his complete lack of independence and such high levels of insecurity that he cannot walk away from a woman who treats him so poorly".

 

 

In truth it's about both of them and their myriad of dysfunctional issues which will probably perpetuate until the cheating wife grows tired of him and files for divorce because it's clear that he never will, his fear will prevent any sort of action.

 

True. But, she doesn't control her husband's behavior. She is most certainly responsible for her own.

Edited May 17, 2018 by BaileyB

[Zinfandel]

True. But, she doesn't control her husband's behavior. She is most certainly responsible for her own.

 

At least she is being upfront and open about it. Clearly the whole relationship is a crazy mess. But she has identified her issue and admitted she isn't going to change.

 

You really need to leave him. Properly leave, and severe the marriage - don't give him any false hope. Although don't leave him by cheating - cause clearly that ain't working.

[WilyWill]

He's the whole package any normal sane woman would want. He's your typical nice guy. Maybe that is why I stray because he is too nice.

 

Ahh yes, the teenage girl fascination with "bad boys" strikes again. You don't need marriage counseling. You need INDIVIDUAL counseling to determine what is wrong with YOU.

[JS84]

Just initiate the divorce yourself.

[Chaparral]

By not being a good wife you’re not a good person. That means, at this point you can’t be a good role model or mother for your kids. If you wasn’t a divorce do it and let him have the kids. If you want to be a good person and mother, go get individual counseling. You have been making stupid decisions since at least when you were in high school. You need to find out why. No doubt it’s family related but you can’t salvage a life simply by getting a divorce and destroying your family. Things will just get worse for you.

[somanymistakes]

You got married young, with a big age-gap between you. This is not usually a good predictor of a healthy relationship. It can work, but it often doesn't. The difference in maturity levels often creates a disconnect built into the framework of the relationship that never evens out.

 

Look back on what you were like when he met you. He was thirty, right? What was his life like? What led him to pick a girl who hadn't finished high school yet and try to mold her into his wife? Does he, to some extent, see himself as "saving" you? That might explain why no matter how much you screw up, he will never leave you... because the more messed-up you are the more it proves to him that you NEED him.

 

I would strongly suggest individual counseling to help you sort out what you want, on your own, without your husband's input. What do you want your life to be like?

 

I suspect part of you wants to be a wild and free college girl. You can't actually have that lifestyle now, you're over thirty and you have two kids. Do you want to have serious relationships at all? Would you rather just meet men for hookups? You can do that, if you want, though you will need to arrange babysitters for the kids. (If you divorce, of course, the kids will probably be with their dad half the time.) Would you rather be in some kind of complicated modern poly scenario where you have multiple boyfriends and they have multiple girlfriends and everyone is cool with it?

 

Would you like to try living on your own for a while and really being in charge of your own life?

[d0nnivain]

If anyone read all this, do you have any advice?

 

You seem to be quite adept at finding other men. Just find one with a law degree. Become his client, not his mistress & get a divorce. It doesn't matter if your husband doesn't want this. The end of a relationship, even a marriage, defaults to the one who wants out.

[TheRainbow]

I originally got some do it yourself divorce forms. I figured he would give me what I want, and I'm not as heartless as I must sound and would agree to 50-50 custody, no spousal, no child support (both I would be entitled too). He could keep his pension. When I handed it to him he refused to sign. He got upset (not angry) and left the house. A few days later, and he still won't even look at them. Begging me to reconsider. I'm giving him until Wednesday then I'm going to go pay a retainer on a lawyer. As for the DNA test, the other possible father took a DNA sample on Friday, and I sent it off, so should know the results then.

[thummper]

They say love is blind. Guess your hubby is proof of that. He must truly love you. What a shame.

[DKT3]

They say love is blind. Guess your hubby is proof of that. He must truly love you. What a shame.

 

Could be, but it could be he doesn't give a damn about her, and she could simply be a place holder for a man who doesn't want to face charges or to be alone.

 

Bottom line is OP doesn't really want a divorce, if she did she would be divorced.

[TheRainbow]

To answer some questions or clarify a few things after reading some of the posts here.

 

My husband and I met I was a stripper at a club. He came in with a group of guys, most of which viewed us as objects. He treated me with basic respect. One day he asked if I wanted to hang out. So I gave him my number. We talked on the phone for hours for a few weeks and went out on a date. He took me to a fancy restaurant. I think at first neither of us expected things to go any further. I liked being treated nicely and he enjoyed my company.

 

A few weeks after we started dating, I quit and found a job as a waitress. At the beginning, I had all intentions of being faithful. And I felt at 19 being at a strip club while being in a relationship was not appropriate. The age difference, him being 30 and I'm 19 looking back was always an issue. I didn't really have anything in common with him. So I think I started to flirt, get close to men that were my age. It sounds horrible but I think we both used each other. I think he always had this image of having a wife, and kids. I know he loves me and I care for him, but I don't love him or treat him as a wife should.

Edited May 21, 2018 by TheRainbow

[merrmeade]

Hope you do go forward with the divorce, Rainbow, so you can both get to work to become the person you were meant to be - which can only be better than the person you are now. And I think that goes for him as well as you. He met you at a strip club? I think you realize as well as anyone (and that's why you said it) that there were some unusual issues going on with your husband already, considering he could have looked many other places for wife/mother material. He needs to figure quite a few things out about himself and why he doesn't think he deserves a partner who adores him and their life together. He needs to decide he's worth being treated better.

 

I'm not condemning you at all. You sound to me like two fish tied together swimming in opposite directions. You were young, making ends meet by pleasing men, then suddenly you were thrust into this middle-class professional guy's life with all the expectations that go with that. Of course, you and everyone else probably assumed it was great for you, a huge opportunity, several steps up without even working for it. But that's the problem. You didn't work for it or even decide you wanted it from what I'm reading. The lifestyle change wasn't your choice or a result of deep reflection and decision-making about what YOU wanted out of life. You just had to figure it out because you were with him. So, yes, it makes sense to me that you've had a hard time making yourself be the role you were playing.

 

Only problem is - your children. You and your husband may or may not work out your individual issues once separated though I think you'll have a better chance of it. (He needs to realize he has some, first of all!) But what about your children? Who will you be to them? This time, you need to think about them when you make lifestyle decisions. I have no problem whatsoever with your realization that you're too selfish to stay loyal to one man. I don't care what anyone chooses as an individual who has no commitments. But you are a parent, and your children are watching and absorbing everything they see you do.

 

The main thing is - do what's right for you and for them. Don't try to be a martyr again. Choose this time. If you choose your education, job, neighborhood, love life based on what you AND they need, everyone will be happy. Think about how you will explain each choice to them and it may make it easier to decide what you can be unselfish about and what you can still do for your own enjoyments Their future choices, how they see men and relationships will depend on your ability to find peace and happiness with your choices. You're modeling for them now, but they will ask direct questions later. You will need to explain your choices to them. If you're not ashamed, they won't be. Maybe some of these topics would be appropriate for individual counseling sessions.

 

I think you have an opportunity to actually grow into adulthood on your own terms now. I hope you make the most of it.

[DKT3]

After reading your last post, this outcome is predictable. The whole KISA thing. He is good enough isn't the stuff marriages are made of. Your last post also confirmed my opinion, you don't love him and it's likely he doesn't love you, he was your knight in shining armor and you were his pretty young trophy.

 

In time you both likely lost that need to have one another in those roles. Now all that is left is him simply being comfort with you around and you feeling like a caged bird. No love here at all.

[d0nnivain]

I originally got some do it yourself divorce forms. I figured he would give me what I want, and I'm not as heartless as I must sound and would agree to 50-50 custody, no spousal, no child support (both I would be entitled too). He could keep his pension. When I handed it to him he refused to sign. He got upset (not angry) and left the house. A few days later, and he still won't even look at them. Begging me to reconsider. I'm giving him until Wednesday then I'm going to go pay a retainer on a lawyer. As for the DNA test, the other possible father took a DNA sample on Friday, and I sent it off, so should know the results then.

 

The do it yourself forms require consent. He won't give you that. You file a complaint for divorce & the court grants it to you without his consent.

 

As for child support, YOU are not entitled to anything. That money belongs to your children for their support. Custody is awarded based on the best interests of the children. With a revolving door on your bedroom, you may not be that parent; your cavalier attitude toward their money doesn't add to your fitness as a parent.

[TheRainbow]

It does look like he isn't going to consent to the do it yourself divorce. Today he made it clear he doesn't want a divorce and that he doesn't believe I really want one. I didn't argue with him anymore. I have an appointment with two different lawyers tomorrow afternoon for a consultation. I honestly wanted to do it our selves to save money. By Thursday the DNA test results should be ready.