Do you feel bad?

[crazycatlady]

Something another thread made me wonder.

 

Its always the assumtion that the OW/OM does not feel bad about the affair. Doesn't care that the BS got hurt.

 

Its always assumed both the WS and the OW/OM are selfish, don't care, feel no remorse etc etc about the pain they are causing.....

 

So I'm curious, do you care? Does it worry you? Do you feel guilty, and if you don't feel guilty why not?

 

I know most hurt because you can't be with your MM/MW but do you also hurt knowing that when you are found out the BS will be hurt?

 

Or do you try not to think about it and not think about the BS? Is this to try and keep you from feeling the guilt etc, or does the person really not matter in your mind?

 

And the type of affair you are having, does this change your view on the BS? And does it matter if you know or don't know the spouse?

 

While I can not prevent others from judging you for what you write, I am simply curious due to the other thread making me think about this.

 

CCL

[jennie-jennie]

I wish she wouldn't get hurt but there is nothing I can do about it since we love the same man.

[herenow]

This is not meant to bash, but if the OW cared about how the BW feels, why would she have an affair with her H?

 

IMO, it would make no sense for an OW to claim that she cares about hurting the BW. I'm very interested to see the responses on this thread. I always just assumed that the OW didn't care about the feelings of the BW because of the fact that she (the OW) is having an affair with the BW's husband. Seems to me that someone who cares at all about another person wouldn't have the affair in the first place.

 

Really, I'm not trying to start anything, I'm just so interested because I have never thought about it any other way. I look forward to reading more on this thread.

[crazycatlady]

Why would they care? Because they are human. Why would they still do it? Because they are human.

 

Feelings are so complex and nothing is ever simple. I know if my H were married to another person and I was the OW I would do everything in my power to be with him, even if it hurt someone else. And I would feel really bad about hurting that other person. Because I'm a kind person but I would still do it. I'm still with him after the betrayal because how I feel for him is so incredibly strong. I actually feel a little bad for the pain of the OW has gone through over this, and for the pain H has gone through over it because I'm a nice person.

 

So I can see why they might feel bad about hurting the spouse...I'm just curious how many do. I'm betting its a lot of them. Or if they keep from thinking about ti avoid feeling bad over the hurt.

 

I know its the whole if you love someone set them free...Screw that I'm not strong enough.

 

CCL

[Fallen Angel]

That was kind of my point in the other thread. People have their minds made up on how we OW feel or don't feel about the BW in our situations. And if we say that we do care, and we do not want the BW to be hurt, we are called liars. We are told that if we cared we would not be 'f**king her man'. People see it as clear cut, black or white.

 

For me though, it is a very grey area. I DO care. I feel badly for her. I have been in her shoes before and I know that it must be painful for her. And I feel guilt about that. Is it enough to make me give up the man I love, for her happiness? To forsake my own joy for hers? NO. It is not. But that does not mean that I wish her ill, that I relish in her pain as so many people accuse me of. (One of my first posts on this board was about how I felt about hurting her, and I was flamed so badly, treated so poorly about daring to show any remorse for my part in her pain that I almost left LS.)

 

It seems a lot of people are comfortable feeling that all OW are remorseless tramps, who are selfish and will throw themselves at any man with a ring on their finger. They do not want to see that we are human beings who love, laugh, hurt, feel joy and guilt, and sorrow. That we are sorry about the situations we are in, but that just like the BW who wants to hold on to her husband because she loves him, we too want to hold on to these men because we love them.

 

I personally never set out to hurt anyone. I personally would have never been involved if I had known that he was still married in the beginning. When I knew, it was too late for my heart. But wanting and loving the man who makes me feel complete, does not mean that i can not feel badly that my loving him hurts someone else. I just can not give up my happiness and love in exchange for hers. If that makes me a bad person, so be it.

[crazycatlady]

FA - that's kinda my point in starting this thread. Because I really think the women on both sides - I say women because most of us here are women - are in similar places. Only...very few BS care that the OW is hurting too. Does this eliminate some of the blame on the OW, not really, nor the WS. But then, the BS also probably has some blame as well, but most don't want to face that either.

 

 

Thankyou for sharing (and answering my question way way before on another thread, I meant to say no one but you answered and forgot). I appreciate it and I hope no one flames you here for being brave enough to share this.

 

CCL

[Heather1]

I try to think about BS to pull back sometimes. Sadly, I have to wonder if it wasn't me if it would have been someone else?? The BS is going to be the BS no matter who the OW is going to be. I don't want her to know, and I don't want her hurt. The chemistry plus the stress I was under started something I thought was a lot easier to get out of than it actually was. I think both MM & I were surprised @ how we couldn't stay away from each other. In that regard, it was like no one else was in the picture? Kind of out of sight out of mind. Our relationship was separate from he & his wife. He felt REALLY guilty though, and I was very respectful of that and really tried to keep the physical as minimal as I could. I actually think he's happily married. Weird huh?

[whichwayisup]

I've read enough posts on here.. Some OW are able to put the BW out of her mind, like she doesn't exist.. Or compartmentalize like the MM obviously can do easily.

 

I'm sure deep down most OW do feel bad, but they are so inlove and allow their emotions to take over, therefore it's easier to justify or push any thoughts of the BW out of her head. Selfishly yes, malciously no. I think it's rare where the OW is cruel and malcious, though reading in the infidelity sections and other BW's experiences, those malcious types are out there.

 

One thing I don't understand though is, if a MM or MW says how guilty they are feeling and do end the A, why can't an OW or OM accept that the MM or MW have every right to change their mind and go back to their wife or husband? Things end eventually..

[whichwayisup]

It seems a lot of people are comfortable feeling that all OW are remorseless tramps

 

No regular BS's that are members think this or even say it. The few who have said it are passerby's and only come to LS once in a while. Honestly, when I read the word homewrecker or tramp, it's an OW saying it, bringing it up.

 

Bottomline is, everyone feels bad, one way or another. But noone has the inclination or desire to change things because they are getting something good out of it.

[Angel1111]

It bothered me a lot when I was with my MM and it was one of the (many) reasons I ended it with him. However, in the heat of the affair - feeling close to him, having him to myself at that moment, believing you'll end up together - I could easily rationalize that he was the one who made the promises to her, not me, and I felt that he was like a shield between me and her. It was just one more way that he was my protector.

 

xMM and I did a LOT to make sure the affair never came to light. It's still a secret today, as far as I know. So that was actually another way to rationalize things - she didn't know, so we weren't hurting anyone. In the end, though, you realize that it's all nonsense and that you're really playing with fire; and many, many people will be hurt.

[Fallen Angel]

I've read enough posts on here.. Some OW are able to put the BW out of her mind, like she doesn't exist.. Or compartmentalize like the MM obviously can do easily.

 

I'm sure deep down most OW do feel bad, but they are so inlove and allow their emotions to take over, therefore it's easier to justify or push any thoughts of the BW out of her head. Selfishly yes, malciously no. I think it's rare where the OW is cruel and malcious, though reading in the infidelity sections and other BW's experiences, those malcious types are out there.

 

One thing I don't understand though is, if a MM or MW says how guilty they are feeling and do end the A, why can't an OW or OM accept that the MM or MW have every right to change their mind and go back to their wife or husband? Things end eventually..

 

Why can't a BW or BH understand when a MM or' MW end the marriage and go to be with their AP? Why can't they accept that the MM or MW has the right to change their mind? Things end eventually....

 

Do you see how silly a question that is? It is for the same reasons.. because they love that person.. and don't want to lose them.

[Fallen Angel]

No regular BS's that are members think this or even say it. The few who have said it are passerby's and only come to LS once in a while. Honestly, when I read the word homewrecker or tramp, it's an OW saying it, bringing it up.

 

Bottomline is, everyone feels bad, one way or another. But noone has the inclination or desire to change things because they are getting something good out of it.

 

There are MANY regular LS posters who feel EXACTLY that way, while they may not come out and say it directly, they are snide, cruel, and catty, making sure that they get the point across about what they think of us, without quite crossing the line that would get them sanctioned by the mods.

 

Not using the word itself does not change the tone of the post, in fact, it forces them to be even more creative with thier insults.

 

P.S. I would like to say that while I stand by what I just said, that there are MANY MORE wonderful, kind, caring people here than there are people who like to strike out and be hateful.. but to pretend it doesn't happen is like trying to ignore the elephant sitting on the couch watching HGTV with ya.. Just a bit silly.

[crazycatlady]

One thing I don't understand though is, if a MM or MW says how guilty they are feeling and do end the A, why can't an OW or OM accept that the MM or MW have every right to change their mind and go back to their wife or husband? Things end eventually..

 

 

That was talked about somewhere else, I can't remember where, I think in infidelity....because neither party wants to be the one who was lied to ie I love you etc. And because love is still there on their part (either party).

 

I can see those without an emotional connection being...callus, but I think once you get emotions involved, I think there you will get the remorse and deeper understanding of the BS from the OW. Or so it seems.

 

CCL

[whichwayisup]

FA, if a MM doesn't divorce his wife and continues staying married and keeps the A alive too, that isn't healthy love for anyone involved. He gets the best of both worlds, meanwhile the Ow and wife suffer and get lied to.

 

If he chooses the OW, then he should get divorced. Anything short of that is still an affair, not an out in the open loving relationship.

 

If he chooses his wife, then A has to end and NC has to be in place.

[herenow]

Why can't a BW or BH understand when a MM or' MW end the marriage and go to be with their AP? Why can't they accept that the MM or MW has the right to change their mind? Things end eventually....

 

Do you see how silly a question that is? It is for the same reasons.. because they love that person.. and don't want to lose them.

 

When I found out about my H's affair, I sent him packing. I told him he was free to go be with the OW. I didn't do it out of spite. I did it because I didn't want to stay married to a man who wanted to be with an OW. If you ask, most BW have done exactly what I did.

[Fallen Angel]

When I found out about my H's affair, I sent him packing. I told him he was free to go be with the OW. I didn't do it out of spite. I did it because I didn't want to stay married to a man who wanted to be with an OW. If you ask, most BW have done exactly what I did.

 

I don't agree with you on this one, I think that the majority of women NEVER "send him packing". What do I base this on? I base it on my own experience as a BW, on the experiences of all the BW that I know personally. I base it on most of the threads read here, and in the infedelity board... how many D-days have some of us been through?

 

I think that most women would like to say they are strong enough to have done that, but in my experience, it simply isn't true.

[herenow]

I don't agree with you on this one, I think that the majority of women NEVER "send him packing". What do I base this on? I base it on my own experience as a BW, on the experiences of all the BW that I know personally. I base it on most of the threads read here, and in the infidelity board... how many D-days have some of us been through?

 

I think that most women would like to say they are strong enough to have done that, but in my experience, it simply isn't true.

 

Maybe I will start a thread in infidelity. I have to sign off for tonight, but there is always tomorrow.

[Fallen Angel]

FA, if a MM doesn't divorce his wife and continues staying married and keeps the A alive too, that isn't healthy love for anyone involved. He gets the best of both worlds, meanwhile the Ow and wife suffer and get lied to.

 

If he chooses the OW, then he should get divorced. Anything short of that is still an affair, not an out in the open loving relationship.

 

If he chooses his wife, then A has to end and NC has to be in place.

 

I agree, but that wasn't your question.. your question was why don't OW/OM just understand, and move on.. or am I mistaken...

[crazycatlady]

Is it strenght to end a marriage after an affair? Or strenght to save a marriage after an affair?

 

I could argue both sides of that rather successfully I think. Hmmm

 

CCL

[whichwayisup]

LOL I don't know now? Man I must be tired..Revisit this tomorrow. Sorry..

[Angel1111]

Is it strenght to end a marriage after an affair? Or strenght to save a marriage after an affair?

 

I could argue both sides of that rather successfully I think. Hmmm

 

CCL

 

I had a husband who cheated on me and I filed for divorce within 2 wks after I found out. I don't know what he was thinking but he absolutely did not expect that reaction. He came back and we reconciled after a few months but we ended up divorcing anyway. There was absolutely nothing noble about staying in that marriage, and strength didn't make a bit of difference. It was an out-and-out betrayal that I could never get past. In all my years of being in relationships, I had never dealt with being cheated on before. In retrospect, I would never forgive infidelity again. It's a total showstopper.

[bentnotbroken]

I filed before d-day. He didn't see that coming, just like I didn't see the A coming. It seems we both under estimated the other. He was served shortly after d-day. I got the better end of that deal.

[Fallen Angel]

Is it strenght to end a marriage after an affair? Or strenght to save a marriage after an affair?

 

I could argue both sides of that rather successfully I think. Hmmm

 

CCL

 

I could argue both sides of that argument as well.. but as to most women 'sending him packing' I just have trouble buying that, especially since in my own personal experiences with this, that has not been the case.

 

Wives generally rant, rave, threaten that they will make him leave.. etc.. but in MY EXPERIENCE, they do not actually ever make him leave.. and if they have an indication that he MAY be leaving, they back-pedal on any threat they made about forcing him to leave... *shrug*

[Fallen Angel]

I filed before d-day. He didn't see that coming, just like I didn't see the A coming. It seems we both under estimated the other. He was served shortly after d-day. I got the better end of that deal.

 

LMAO.. yes Bent, but you are a rare jewel!

[Austen]

Something another thread made me wonder.

 

Its always the assumtion that the OW/OM does not feel bad about the affair. Doesn't care that the BS got hurt.

 

Its always assumed both the WS and the OW/OM are selfish, don't care, feel no remorse etc etc about the pain they are causing.....

 

So I'm curious, do you care? Does it worry you? Do you feel guilty, and if you don't feel guilty why not?

 

I know most hurt because you can't be with your MM/MW but do you also hurt knowing that when you are found out the BS will be hurt?

 

Or do you try not to think about it and not think about the BS? Is this to try and keep you from feeling the guilt etc, or does the person really not matter in your mind?

 

And the type of affair you are having, does this change your view on the BS? And does it matter if you know or don't know the spouse?

 

While I can not prevent others from judging you for what you write, I am simply curious due to the other thread making me think about this.

 

CCL

 

I felt badly about the affair before MM's wife found out, and I feel badly still because it looks like they're headed for divorce now that she knows about it.

He always felt guilty about it. We both knew it was wrong, and he still cared for his wife--he wasn't completely heartless.

People seem so sure that the man is always lying about how unhappy he is and then he weaves all these sob stories to make the OW feel sorry for him. But it is possible to love someone yet still be very unhappy in a relationship or married to them. I love my parents, but I couldn't stand living under the same roof with them--and part of the reason was because they had, and still have, a miserable marriage. So why does it have to mean that the cheating spouse is the devil?

Yes, there are some people out there who want a family but then also want to get as much sex on the side as possible. That's been happening since the beginning of time. But not everyone is that way. There are a lot of people out there who still love their SO's but are very unhappy, and instead of stepping up and doing the right thing, they go looking for happiness outside of the relationship. They aren't willing to let go of the old for the new because it's often easier to stay with what you know, even if it's miserable, rather than go out on a limb and change your life.