Another sad story...

[GettingOver]

Hello everybody!

I have already read that many stories/advice, etc but I guess I need to just tell my story... I am in pain, regret and feel like crap. Please help... any comments appreciated.

I met my MM over a year ago, me 26 him 41. 2 kids. To make the story more complicated he is from a different country and was the client of our company. I fell in love with him almost immediately, the feeling was that strong that I was ready to sell my soul top spend just 15 minutes with him with no people around. I saw he was also looking at me all the time, then we went for a sigarette couple of times but he never asked me out. I saw his ring but I thought - if I can spend any time with him - I will go for it. He will leave anyway and I will forget him very soon. He finally asked me out for coffee and it was a very short date and he left. In one month he was back again for business. We spent the whole 3 evenings and nights after work together... Basically he never pushed me to anything - I just showed him myself that I wanted to be with him. After a year of very hard relationship and another 6 month getting over I needed some fresh air and something good in my life - even if it was for just 3 days. These days passed by and his business project failed. When I was leaving his hotel I said good bye forever. I had no expectations or hopes.

In 2 weeks he was back. He arranged another business trip somehow. We spend another 3 days together, I did not ask any questions. He offered me to visit his country in a couple of months and then go to Venice. I was shocked but say yes. Before he went to the airport he suddenly started a nice conversation that he's been separated for a year, his marriage was hivilng hell, etc. He rented a flat with a neighbour next to his house and evey day he come to his kids and his flat was basically for sleeping. He mentioned that he's got a vasectomy and couldn't have more kids (which is no problem for me). He also said he was not ready to make a decision at the moment but wanted to be honest with me. I was also not ready for any sort of decisions and we agreed to talk after our trip to Venice.

He visited me also before this trip and we emailed each day and he called 2-3 times a week. Once I offered him to skype with web cam but he refused saying that he spent all evenings with kids and when he's back it his flat it is already too late in my country. It sounded like a red flag but I stupidly wanted to believe him. Once we agreed on skype chat but his father-in-law passed away that exact day and he was busy with funeral etc. I brought this up again later but he said smth absolutely stupid and changed the subject... Red flag No.2 and I said nothing.

I came to his country and we went to the ... hotel. I asked him why not his place and he said that it was far and there's much traffic and we will loose time and better start our trip to Venice earlier. I felt nearly dead, I realized that he must have been lying and did not have any place of his own. But I said nothing as I did not want to ruin the vacation. At the end of our trip we got a little bit too much beer and I told him about my past relationships and he told me more about his problems with his wife and why he moved out and that he did not get divorced only for financial reasons. I decided that if he was explaining all that probably he did move out and his flat was really too far to go to... He treated me like princess, he was gentle, caring, we shared somuch intimacy, sex was that amazing that I felt I was a virgin before I met him (though I had several partners). I was head over heels in love with him and wanted to believe him. And he always said he was honest.

Our trip ended, after that he came one time for business and then spent a week of vacation with me at my place. Wife never called and I did not hear him talking to her. It was 6 months of our relationships and I realized I need some clarification regarding future. He said that he had some upcoming long-term projects at work in far away countries and asked would I go with him in such situation. I said yes, but only if he gets divorced. Actually I couldn't go with him anywhere as a girlfriend in any case - I need a visa. I thought he understood that. He said that he needed time to figure out what would happen at work and that in any case he couldn't give me a life of a princess as he is not rich. Basically he said nothing certain but at the same time he made me feel he is going to make a move for me and change his life.

Time went by, no projects came in real. He stayed where he stayed. I had to ask again. I said PLEASE make up your mind, I can't live on distance with you till the end of my life. It was September. I gave him time till new year to sort his stuff out. He said his marriage was anyway over and he would do that.

In mid December he invited me to a small trip around his country, I though that no man can be that cruel to dump his loved one before New Year. I expected a positive answer from him. The trip was amazing besides that again we went to the hotel... The last evening when he spoke no word about divorce I asked him. He changed in face and said - well, I first of all have to save money for my own flat, otherwise it makes no sence (as if people can't live in a rented flat)... Then it turns out that his wife doesn't want to divorce and without her consent it will take 3 years THOUGH he didn't know exacly. Promised to go to court next week and file for divorce. I asked him to send me a scanned copy of his petition... Insted he went to the lawyer (as he said) and the lawyer said - 3 years. After 3 years of sepataion he can file for divorce. And 3 years start after he registers at a different address. I was nearly dead. He visited nearly each month and I missed him terribly and living like that for 3 years made me sick. I tried discussing it on the phone but he insisted to talk when he visits me after new year (btw, he had nearly 15 days Christmas holidays and he spend NY with kids and he only came January 5th... said he wanted to visit some friends, spend time with kids... how about me??? They all live there and we meet once a month). His last visit was said. He also mentioned that after he files for divorce after 3 years it will take another 2 to finilize... And he had NO solution, not even ONE thought on how to continue. I will make it shorter and say that I found a way to legally move to his country without marriage. I would cost him nearly nothing and he would only need to support me about a year while I learn the language and can get a job. To be honest that would be cheaper that his monthly visits/fun/restaurants, etc.

Suddently his daughter (13 yo) is diagnosed with anorexia and he can't think of anything else. I say fine, I understand but what I offered him would only become real in 9 month and I would have to do all paperwork,etc. He can focus on his daughter. Then it turns out that she needs to go to the hospital for a month (about 450$ a day) and the reason of her anorexia is that he is not living at home. He made a decision to move back to his house and had to spend all the money/attention on her treatment. That's it.He broke up with me.

It was 3 months ago. I am still not over it. I still love him. I understand that there must have been a good % of lies from his side and if he really wanted me he would at least ask me to wait a little bit while his daughter is feeling better. IF it was really the reason. I spoke to a therapist who said that anorexia for such a reason in such age is next to impossible. And according to him he lived separately for 2 years. And just now she got anorexia...

I tried to contact him afterwards... My grand mother died, I was in pain and needed support, I emailed him, said I missed him, loved him, was not sure about breaking up. All I got in responce was that I deserve better and younger man and I am smart and should probably start additional study to increase my work opportunities.

The problem is that nothing is making me happy now. My life became grey and I want nothing. I understand that there's nothing to fight for. I just do not know how to move on. Sometimes I feel better but mostly I feel like I'd better disappear and not feel all this pain... Has anyone been in a similar situation?...

[Spark1111]

I'm appalled you believe any of these stories, including what he claims regarding his 11 year-old daughter. Do you know how many threads I have read on this one website alone that claims he had to end the affair because his wife was just diagnosed with a terminal disease? More than can be accounted for in the general population.

 

I think you are sweet and young and you've been played and I am sorry for whatever pain you are in now.

 

I also find it fairly typical, even in my own sitch, that once the OW begins pressuring the MM for a decision, a future legitimate relationship, that is when his fun fades and he runs for cover, or cannot come up with a good enough reason to break up with her after all those stringing-along lies he has told her.

 

What struck me in your story is how many times you said you wanted to ask, tell, confirm info and just.....let it go...because, why?

 

You didn't want to upet him? Challenge him? Demand some truth from him?

 

I remain truly amazed at what is not discussed in affairs!!!!

 

What you did what allow your emotions to talk you out of your gut instinct and your instinct will always be your best friend. It is there to protect you from predators like this guy.

[GettingOver]

I'm appalled you would claim to love someone yet not get totally out of the way if their innocent child had a life threatening illness. It's way selfish, more even than an affair. You need to realize people no matter how bad, will sometimes do the right thing when it's their child involved.

 

I am not placing my selfish needs ahead of child's health. I was just trying to say how unrealistic it basicly sounds that a 13 year old girl gets anorexia due to her dad not living (and according to him sleeping) under one roof with her. And also according to him he had not been living there for 2 years by the moment she got ill. And he first said that doctors did not know the reason and she needed months of councelling to find out. In about a week after I pressed him the doctors found that reason in him right away.

I believe the girl could have anorexia but I hardly believe HE was the reason of that and it was a good excuse to break up once I cornered him...

[LoveTKO]

He sounds highly manipulative, but most married individuals who have affairs are manipulative flim-flam artists to a certain extent. It's all on their terms because they have a marriage to protect. I knew this going into mine, the fact that I'm only a supplement, distraction, drug, vice, that my married fling needs here and there as a means to break up the monotony in her (boring) life.

 

But come on now....you weren't born yesterday, right? You swallowed everything hook, line and sinker because 1) you were in love and let your guard down and 2) because this guy has apparently mastered the art of "the game". You don't get emotionally involved with people who have that much baggage; sex here and there....maybe, but that's it. The fact that he lives in different country is also a major red flag. Traveling businessmen often have multiple lovers encompassing a myriad of zip codes and sovereign nations.

 

So, to sum it up, you started a love affair with a married man who lives in a different country? Why must you make it so hard on yourself? My fling lives 5-10 minutes away from me; that's a lot easier to handle. as a matter of fact, it's a beautiful day out today and I think "I'll float around her house like a miniature sun".

[GettingOver]

I'm appalled you believe any of these stories, including what he claims regarding his 11 year-old daughter. Do you know how many threads I have read on this one website alone that claims he had to end the affair because his wife was just diagnosed with a terminal disease? More than can be accounted for in the general population.

 

I think you are sweet and young and you've been played and I am sorry for whatever pain you are in now.

 

I also find it fairly typical, even in my own sitch, that once the OW begins pressuring the MM for a decision, a future legitimate relationship, that is when his fun fades and he runs for cover, or cannot come up with a good enough reason to break up with her after all those stringing-along lies he has told her.

 

What struck me in your story is how many times you said you wanted to ask, tell, confirm info and just.....let it go...because, why?

 

You didn't want to upet him? Challenge him? Demand some truth from him?

 

I remain truly amazed at what is not discussed in affairs!!!!

 

What you did what allow your emotions to talk you out of your gut instinct and your instinct will always be your best friend. It is there to protect you from predators like this guy.

 

I think "joking" regarding kid's health is too much... even as an excuse to remove himself from an affair. He loved his kids, I don't think he'd make up such a story... I just do not believe that HE was the reason of illness.

Why didn't I ask, tell, etc... First with Skype I felt it was too early to push, then I did not want to ruin vacation and after that he made me believ he was honest. Last time with hotel in his country - I was stupidly sure he would have good news for me and ignored it. Maybe I have self esteem issues, maybe I did not say anything because I knew subconsiously I would loose him in that case. And I did not want to. Actually I started asking a lot questions after his 3-year divorce story. But he claimed he could not explain the whole thing on the phone and we'd talk when he comes over. I knew something was wrong. And when he came and we spoke I simply cried and the next day he said "Please be so kind and do not make such a face, we don't get to see each other often and it's not very cheap, let's try to enjoy it. This situation is very difficult for me also but I can't look at you when you are like that". HELL, you just told we you won't get divorced in 5 years, am I supposed to smile???

You are right, I did not want to unpet him. I wanted him to be happy. And he knew that I guess. When he first mentioned about 3 years divorce during our vacation I was like WHAATTT??? ANd he immediately said how poor his situation is, how bad/stuck he feels at both work and love life and I melt and feel for him.

This guy was that special to me, he was everything for me. That;s why it hurts so bad. I heard that in one movie, a mistress sais to her MM: "When you leave me you continue living your life and my life is over". Sad but very true. I hate myself for being so WEAK!!!!

[GettingOver]

LoveTKO,

Either all that happened was a MAJOR coincidence OR he really was a master of the game...

Another country is a problem. But when people really want to be together they find ways. And I thought he wanted to be with me.

Actually my first impression of him was exactly as you described - a traveling businessman who had a gf in each country. His behavior is generally sort of flirty or I'd say very friendly, especially to women. He is nice, remembers names, brought flowers to all ladies of his project team (we were 3), he is always smiling, he was damn CHARMING))) I expected him to jump on me right away BUT he was on the opposite a little shy in the beginning. I was very surprised!

LadyGrey, maybe you are right. Maybe all were lies from the very beginning. As my therapist said - sex with "encouraged" woman is always much better. And he "encouraged" me saing he was separated.

But he was that gentle, that caring, he said he loved me I guess during his second visit.

[GettingOver]

Sorry to be harsh......but he manipulated you every time you put him on the spot and you'd back down which is exactly what he wanted you to do. Also......you need to accept that very little of what he told you about his impending divorce. (all lies I bet) and his marriage and his kids is true. I doubt his daughter was even sick at all.

 

Call his wife and talk to her.

 

Until you accept that you've been played and he is a liar you can not let go.

 

I would call his wife if I knew her number and we spoke one language))) I am afraid she doesn't speak English.

Btw my MM was very afraid that she'd find out, he said that if so she'd leave him with nothing through court (he said that when I suggested to him to tell her he has another woman so that she'd want to divorce with him due to this reason).

I had a feeling that he needed to picture himself and FEEL that he's a good guy. He said (emailed) when he "came back" to his house his kids cried of joy (!), higged him the whole evening and they 3 slept the whole night in one (!!!) bed. It would be ok if was away from home for a long time and the kids were small BUT he was there for them all the time AND his kids are 13 and 17 (!!!) (the boy). So should I believe his 17yo son slept with him and his sister in one bed??? And if so why the hell he informed me??? To look better???

I really want to let go. Sometimes I want to hire a private investigator and ruin his comfy world....

[wannabdone]

I would call his wife if I knew her number and we spoke one language))) I am afraid she doesn't speak English.

Btw my MM was very afraid that she'd find out, he said that if so she'd leave him with nothing through court (he said that when I suggested to him to tell her he has another woman so that she'd want to divorce with him due to this reason).

I had a feeling that he needed to picture himself and FEEL that he's a good guy. He said (emailed) when he "came back" to his house his kids cried of joy (!), higged him the whole evening and they 3 slept the whole night in one (!!!) bed. It would be ok if was away from home for a long time and the kids were small BUT he was there for them all the time AND his kids are 13 and 17 (!!!) (the boy). So should I believe his 17yo son slept with him and his sister in one bed??? And if so why the hell he informed me??? To look better???

I really want to let go. Sometimes I want to hire a private investigator and ruin his comfy world....

 

 

You don't want to call his wife, because you don't want to piss him off in fear you will lose him. But here is the key ... you can't lose anything you never had.

 

You said your "first red flag" was a possible lie. I dissagree, your first red flad should have been the ring on his finger and him inviting a young woman for coffee.

 

I know it hurts, but lets be real. You knew the score. You knew what you were up agaisnt. You took a chance and it didn't pan out. I'm sorry, that is harsh, but its the truth. I know how it is to want, wish and whatever it would be different, but it won't and isn't ever going to be.

 

Don't worry about if he was trying to make you think he's not a bad guy.... he is... all you can worry about is you. And why you want to place yourself in a position for so much pain.

[PeineDeCoeur]

The problem is that nothing is making me happy now. My life became grey and I want nothing. I understand that there's nothing to fight for. I just do not know how to move on. Sometimes I feel better but mostly I feel like I'd better disappear and not feel all this pain... Has anyone been in a similar situation?...

 

Hi GO;

 

There are elements of your story that are similar to mine.. very similar. Some people are really good at compartmentalization - and I believe that enables them to go home to their families and believe that they are good husbands, good Dads. He probably lied about his home situation, but this is not that important anymore since you are done with him. You have to accept that it's over and that you will never know the truth about him. Trust also that this is the best outcome for you... even if you have to pick up the pieces and start again.

 

Put this man and this experience behind you now. Are you still in contact with him? If so, close that door. You say you have a therapist - that's good.

 

I know this is easier said than done; I still think of my xMM constantly, but every day is gets a little easier to leave him behind.

[GettingOver]

I agree that my mind is not completely clear though I see obvious things. I guess the most hurting part is that I really asked no questions to him. He got everything and no qiestions from my side. I always thought it is perfect for a MM. But looks like it was not enough for him.

I am 27 (was 26), I am tall, fit and attractive and some people say I look younger. I guess I was such an ego stroke for him and I trated him like a king.

Thanks LadyGrey, did your MM do the same to you? Same sweet lies? Did you get over? What was his wife's reaction?

It's hard to accept that someone who said so many sweet words to you, sent you a text each morning and night, spent wonderful loving moments with you LIED to you. I have been reading stories, thinking, overthinking, talking to friends but this is still inside of me.

I think if I had a proof that everything was a lie I would spent my last money and even go to debts to destroy him.

I have already done some internet search but nothing comes out, I am not sure I can afford a PI abroad...

Anyway, THANK YOU!

[GettingOver]

You don't want to call his wife, because you don't want to piss him off in fear you will lose him. But here is the key ... you can't lose anything you never had.

I already lost him if we forget I never had him. He broke up with me. He cannot do it again. I can't call the wife, I don't speak her language, I don't know her number,email, etc. Maybe I should put more effort/money into finding this out at least...

[Fitz]

It's called "future faking."

 

I was in a similar situation as yours, except it was my ex-fiance who was cheating with a married man. He "future faked" her too.

 

"Future faking" is a super effective way to get an otherwise moral woman to have a sexual affair with a married man. You see, most women understand that cheating is wrong, but will agree to "bend the rules" for what they believe is "true love." So once the OW believes that the MM is truly committed to her, she will easily agree to "temporarily" engage in otherwise unacceptable behavior.

 

Just like most people understand that stealing is wrong. But yet won't run to the manager if they get undercharged by a cashier at the grocery store.

 

"Future faking" warms otherwise moral women up to bend the rules. And accept lies. Which is easy, because such women (like you, OP) are already attracted to these MM and are already primed up and looking for excuses to indulge in an illicit relationship. Such women don't just accept lies and "future faking." But they desperately yearn to believe whatever the MM says. -to justify the affair, to absolve guilt, to validate their emotions. That's why you ignored obvious red flags, OP. Not for lack of reasoning skills. But because your "heart" yearned to ignore them in order to uphold a fantasy.

 

But a MM can only "future fake" for so long before the moral woman expects the pay off. When the OW begins to dig her heels in, then the MM will start looking for an escape route. Especially after he's already had enough cake -so to speak.

 

Sorry to say it, OP. But you were played.

 

FYI Here's some information you might find useful.

Why Affairs Are Like Being Double-Crossed In A Heist | Baggage Reclaim

[Furious]

You say in your opening post that you saw his was wearing his wedding band the first time he came to your office.

 

Then later after your 3 nights together he tells you he's been separated for a year.

 

How many separated men wear their their wedding band a year later.

 

THAT WAS ONE BIG RED FLAG!!!!

[GettingOver]

Hi GO;

 

There are elements of your story that are similar to mine.. very similar. Some people are really good at compartmentalization - and I believe that enables them to go home to their families and believe that they are good husbands, good Dads. He probably lied about his home situation, but this is not that important anymore since you are done with him. You have to accept that it's over and that you will never know the truth about him. Trust also that this is the best outcome for you... even if you have to pick up the pieces and start again.

 

Put this man and this experience behind you now. Are you still in contact with him? If so, close that door. You say you have a therapist - that's good.

 

I know this is easier said than done; I still think of my xMM constantly, but every day is gets a little easier to leave him behind.

 

No,I do not contact him anymore, so doesn't he. I had only one session with therapist. He decided I do not need more and he was not so helpful...

I gues in each MM&OW story you can find similarities, with a few exceptions. The hardest part is to believe it is the best outcome for me... He really seemed perfect to me. But I will do my best to think so.

[GettingOver]

Fitz, thanks for your comment, looks like my case really... I was played... And I guess he really had enough cake during a year...

Did your fiancee share her experience with her MM with you?.. Did she come back to you?

[GettingOver]

You say in your opening post that you saw his was wearing his wedding band the first time he came to your office.

 

Then later after your 3 nights together he tells you he's been separated for a year.

 

How many separated men wear their their wedding band a year later.

 

THAT WAS ONE BIG RED FLAG!!!!

 

I asked him why he had a ring. He said it makes a better impression for business purposes.

He actually took it off during last months. He sent me pictures also from home and he had no ring there also. I asked him why he took the ring off (I did not ask him to) and he replied that he sawit makes me unhappy...

[wannabdone]

It's called "future faking."

 

I was in a similar situation as yours, except it was my ex-fiance who was cheating with a married man. He "future faked" her too.

 

"Future faking" is a super effective way to get an otherwise moral woman to have a sexual affair with a married man. You see, most women understand that cheating is wrong, but will agree to "bend the rules" for what they believe is "true love." So once the OW believes that the MM is truly committed to her, she will easily agree to "temporarily" engage in otherwise unacceptable behavior.

 

Just like most people understand that stealing is wrong. But yet won't run to the manager if they get undercharged by a cashier at the grocery store.

 

"Future faking" warms otherwise moral women up to bend the rules. And accept lies. Which is easy, because such women (like you, OP) are already attracted to these MM and are already primed up and looking for excuses to indulge in an illicit relationship. Such women don't just accept lies and "future faking." But they desperately yearn to believe whatever the MM says. -to justify the affair, to absolve guilt, to validate their emotions. That's why you ignored obvious red flags, OP. Not for lack of reasoning skills. But because your "heart" yearned to ignore them in order to uphold a fantasy.

 

But a MM can only "future fake" for so long before the moral woman expects the pay off. When the OW begins to dig her heels in, then the MM will start looking for an escape route. Especially after he's already had enough cake -so to speak.

 

Sorry to say it, OP. But you were played.

 

FYI Here's some information you might find useful.

Why Affairs Are Like Being Double-Crossed In A Heist | Baggage Reclaim

 

 

Thank you Fitz. I had never hear of this "future faking", but it pretty much sums up about 10 years of my life. I appreciate you posting this!!

[wannabdone]

No,I do not contact him anymore, so doesn't he. I had only one session with therapist. He decided I do not need more and he was not so helpful...

I gues in each MM&OW story you can find similarities, with a few exceptions. The hardest part is to believe it is the best outcome for me... He really seemed perfect to me. But I will do my best to think so.

 

 

Whoa! Why did he say you did not need more counseling? I've only heard this stated to ppl that are completely closed off in their thought processes.

 

I can not imagine, that someone who has been through what you have couldn't use more than one session.

[wannabdone]

I already lost him if we forget I never had him. He broke up with me. He cannot do it again. I can't call the wife, I don't speak her language, I don't know her number,email, etc. Maybe I should put more effort/money into finding this out at least...

 

 

I'm not telling you to be revengeful or a "woman scorned" thing. I think that is ridiculous when women do that. I am just trying to show you that sometimes, when we don't know it...we are still protecting them. I did this FOR YEARS. I am not coming down on you, because trust me, there is nothing you have done, that I haven't done probably 3-4 times. Just trying to be helpful.

[LoveTKO]

You definitely were being played....big time. Furthermore, the fact that he sounded so candid and sincere leads me to believe that he must rank up there in the "Mack Daddy" (boss "player") status; in other words, he has probably done this before and has perfected his craft. He most definitely played on your emotions by giving you false hope while knowing all along that he had no intentions of leaving his wife.

 

As schizophrenic as it sounds, I have to give the married woman I'm involved with credit for telling me that unless her husband initiates a divorce, she's staying right where she's at. It would be a zero sum game for her (financially) if she initiated it having to endure a litigious wallet draining ordeal. Having a lover on the side makes life more tolerable. Besides, from a male perspective, your ex foreign Casanova and I both know that the moment you commit and cohabitate as a couple, the passionate sex usually takes a precipitous nosedive! He's after wild sex and passion...if he's a man like me.

[spice4life]

I'm appalled you would claim to love someone yet not get totally out of the way if their innocent child had a life threatening illness. It's way selfish, more even than an affair. You need to realize people no matter how bad, will sometimes do the right thing when it's their child involved.

 

BW, this guy was just selling her a bill of goods, his daughter wasn't sick. MMs pull stuff like this out of their arses when an apprehensive OW starts to apply pressure. It's a classic move. There are tons of stories by OW's through out this forum who have experienced similar mineuvers.

 

Spark, you are right on target as usual.

 

Fitz, thanks for the excellnt post on "future fakers."

 

GettingOver, your username, ironically, describes your MM perfectly. He was "getting over" on you. Put him behind you because unfortunately, he played you. You are probably not the first or last to fall for his game. Don't beat yourself up though. It happens to a lot of women who have not educated that these kind of yo-yo's exist. Now you know and you will know the signs should someone try to pull this on you again.

[GettingOver]

Thank you Fitz. I had never hear of this "future faking", but it pretty much sums up about 10 years of my life. I appreciate you posting this!!

Who did that to your for so long?.. Also a married man?...

Actually my MM justified himself in the end by saying he never promised me anything... How about "would you go to a far-away country with me?", "I will not be able to provide you a life of a princess but a normal life for sure", "my marriage is definitely over, I will sort things out by new year". Yes, he did not say "I promise to " thing. But he did his best to make me think I am important enough for our common future, ie he was future faking.

[LoveTKO]

It's called "future faking."

 

I was in a similar situation as yours, except it was my ex-fiance who was cheating with a married man. He "future faked" her too.

 

"Future faking" is a super effective way to get an otherwise moral woman to have a sexual affair with a married man. You see, most women understand that cheating is wrong, but will agree to "bend the rules" for what they believe is "true love." So once the OW believes that the MM is truly committed to her, she will easily agree to "temporarily" engage in otherwise unacceptable behavior.

 

Just like most people understand that stealing is wrong. But yet won't run to the manager if they get undercharged by a cashier at the grocery store.

 

"Future faking" warms otherwise moral women up to bend the rules. And accept lies. Which is easy, because such women (like you, OP) are already attracted to these MM and are already primed up and looking for excuses to indulge in an illicit relationship. Such women don't just accept lies and "future faking." But they desperately yearn to believe whatever the MM says. -to justify the affair, to absolve guilt, to validate their emotions. That's why you ignored obvious red flags, OP. Not for lack of reasoning skills. But because your "heart" yearned to ignore them in order to uphold a fantasy.

 

But a MM can only "future fake" for so long before the moral woman expects the pay off. When the OW begins to dig her heels in, then the MM will start looking for an escape route. Especially after he's already had enough cake -so to speak.

 

Sorry to say it, OP. But you were played.

 

FYI Here's some information you might find useful.

Why Affairs Are Like Being Double-Crossed In A Heist | Baggage Reclaim

 

 

 

 

Hey Fitz! thanks for that awesome link/article! It is spot on and 100% true. Especially the concept that if they lie to their spouses they will lie to you! I've called the WS out on it a lot by telling her to quit whining because things ain't so bad at home as she says. Moreover, I defend her husband all the time when she talks about some argument they had, or something he did. I tell her to "suck it up...that's part of being married".

[GettingOver]

I'm not telling you to be revengeful or a "woman scorned" thing. I think that is ridiculous when women do that.

I can imagine I might have ruined 3 lives by contacting the wife, kids do not deserve this for sure. But there would a be a good chance for him to be kicked out, loosing everything and paying her maintenance till the end of his life. There were a few times I dreamt about it

[GettingOver]

I want to thank everyone for responces and support, I even feel a little better

LoveTKO, you are probably right and my foreign Casanova is a "professional". When I looked in his blue eyes I trusted each word he said. I never trusted a man like I trusted him. And I never dated a MM before so I trusted a cheater more that anybody ever - ridiculous! And yes, once I told him that I am tired of being od distance and miss him so much all the time. He said - well, but that's why it is so special. YES, but I would prefer having him all the time and let go for a few days in a months, not vise versa! Even is sex gets less "sparkling".

I guess you are not head over heels in love with your married woman and do not want her to divorce?

spice4life, I guess I should now call myself LeavingBehind