He said he loves me..but he's married

[jennifernyc84]

He's my best and oldest friend, I've had feelings for him from the time i started noticing boys. He never felt the same, and i knew that. He's never led me on. He got married two years ago and that was a really hard pill for me to swallow. i stopped communicating with him for awhile because seeing him with her was so painful. It took me some time, but i have made great progress. Don't get me wrong, old habits die hard, but it was getting easier. I even started dating. Not seriously, but i was going out.i was doing well. Then out of the blue, he tells me he misses me, and he can't stop thinking of me, and he regrets not making a move with me. then he said the words..the words I've prayed for him to say so many times before. The words i always knew he'd tell me one day..he said he loves me. all the feelings I've tried so hard to push away and ignore for the past two years came rushing back at me. I told myself not to listen to him, but i was all ears. My first thought was to kiss him and start ripping his clothes off. But then it hit me....HE'S MARRIED..he has a WIFE! I've never condoned cheating but...I'm not this strong..i want him more than i can describe. I'm fighting with myself on what to think and feel. I've waited for him to say these things to me for as long as i can remember and now its happening. But he's married.. But i loved him first. I feel he is my soulmate. We're meant to be together. I feel like he belongs to me.

 

A

[Adamgem]

He's my best and oldest friend, I've had feelings for him from the time i started noticing boys. He never felt the same, and i knew that. He's never led me on. He got married two years ago and that was a really hard pill for me to swallow. i stopped communicating with him for awhile because seeing him with her was so painful. It took me some time, but i have made great progress. Don't get me wrong, old habits die hard, but it was getting easier. I even started dating. Not seriously, but i was going out.i was doing well. Then out of the blue, he tells me he misses me, and he can't stop thinking of me, and he regrets not making a move with me. then he said the words..the words I've prayed for him to say so many times before. The words i always knew he'd tell me one day..he said he loves me. all the feelings I've tried so hard to push away and ignore for the past two years came rushing back at me. I told myself not to listen to him, but i was all ears. My first thought was to kiss him and start ripping his clothes off. But then it hit me....HE'S MARRIED..he has a WIFE! I've never condoned cheating but...I'm not this strong..i want him more than i can describe. I'm fighting with myself on what to think and feel. I've waited for him to say these things to me for as long as i can remember and now its happening. But he's married.. But i loved him first. I feel he is my soulmate. We're meant to be together. I feel like he belongs to me.

 

A

 

I do not want to sound cruel but words are just words. When he really loves you - he will get a divorce and be with you. I really believe this. Otherwise you are just wasting your time - I would not compromise on this. You will feel better if you do not. I get strength from this.... I have some self respect and some standards that is why I am not willing to listen to the words...... I am paying attention to the actions. It is very difficult when you hear exactly what you want to hear but it is not enough. Words do not cost anything.... no effort. Divorce is another matter.

[whichwayisup]

Who cares if you loved him first, he isn't yours .. He never was. The guy showed no interest in you on a romantic or sexual level .. Now he's married and you've paid less attention to him and now he tells you he likes and misses you?

 

Don't get me wrong, maybe he has some feelings but to me it seems this is ALL about his ego. You're not there by his side, looking up at him, wanting him, feeding his ego, making him feel special.. It was great for him to have you in his life to feel good about himself.. Now, you're not there and he misses that.

 

Stay away from him. Don't kiss him and tell him to shove it up his ass! HOW dare he after all this time tell you he's into you after marrying someone else.

 

He's selfish.

 

Sorry you're hurting but no friendship can happen now. That is done and as painful as it is, you need to let go and move on..Otherwise you'll never let yourself fall for another man, you'll be 'waiting' on him and he's not going to leave his wife for you. It'll be an affair and you deserve more than being second fiddle in his life.

[jennifernyc84]

Who cares if you loved him first, he isn't yours .. He never was. The guy showed no interest in you on a romantic or sexual level .. Now he's married and you've paid less attention to him and now he tells you he likes and misses you?

 

Don't get me wrong, maybe he has some feelings but to me it seems this is ALL about his ego. You're not there by his side, looking up at him, wanting him, feeding his ego, making him feel special.. It was great for him to have you in his life to feel good about himself.. Now, you're not there and he misses that.

 

Stay away from him. Don't kiss him and tell him to shove it up his ass! HOW dare he after all this time tell you he's into you after marrying someone else.

 

He's selfish.

 

Sorry you're hurting but no friendship can happen now. That is done and as painful as it is, you need to let go and move on..Otherwise you'll never let yourself fall for another man, you'll be 'waiting' on him and he's not going to leave his wife for you. It'll be an affair and you deserve more than being second fiddle in his life.

 

 

I thank you for your opinion, but idk if i feel that to be true. Why would he lie to me? He's always been truthful to me. We have such a strong history and i don't think he'd jeopardize that.

[carhill]

The honeymoon period of his M is over. Thoughts of what could have been have crept in, generally as a romanticized distraction from the real. He knew for years that you were infatuated with him. One plus one equals two, meaning his contact.

 

As alluded to, a case summary of his divorce filings will be the most obvious and independently verifiable sign that his words and actions are matching up in a healthy way.

 

Good luck.

[jennifernyc84]

But he also told his wife that he loves her and he CHOSE to marry her.

 

So what if you saw him first. He is not a toy.

 

He is a married guy. He doesn't love you, he just wants to have sex with you.

 

And if you chose to have sex with him, remember karma will come around

 

I'm not the cheating type, trust me. I don't just want cheap, easy sex. I'm talking about the man I've loved for more than half my life. Its sooooo hard to just push him away when all I've ever wanted to do is hold him close. I'm just saying not that simple, ok ? This OS not some random guy i met last Saturday while we were drunk. I'm not a slut.

[Adamgem]

I'm not the cheating type, trust me. I don't just want cheap, easy sex. I'm talking about the man I've loved for more than half my life. Its sooooo hard to just push him away when all I've ever wanted to do is hold him close. I'm just saying not that simple, ok ? This OS not some random guy i met last Saturday while we were drunk. I'm not a slut.

 

If you do not want to be used for cheap easy sex - do not get involved with him because that is how it will feel afterwards. When you realise he does not share your feelings. If he did he would not be married to somebody else.

[jennifernyc84]

You know, i thought this was a place where i could get some advice our encouragement. I didn't think I'd get criticized or judged especially since we are all kinda in the same boat. I thought that was the purpose of this forum being labeled "the other man/woman"

[whichwayisup]

I thank you for your opinion, but idk if i feel that to be true. Why would he lie to me? He's always been truthful to me. We have such a strong history and i don't think he'd jeopardize that.

 

He's got a huge ego. It's not that he 'lied' to you, it's more like he's been used to you being in his life, probably knowing full well how you feel about him and when you stepped back, he realized he wanted you. Not realy lying but selfishly manipulating you (not meanly)..

 

The thing is, you hold a torch for him, always did and now he's married so that has to hurt, right?

 

Can you imagine falling in love with someone else?

[whichwayisup]

I'm not the cheating type, trust me. I don't just want cheap, easy sex. I'm talking about the man I've loved for more than half my life. Its sooooo hard to just push him away when all I've ever wanted to do is hold him close. I'm just saying not that simple, ok ? This OS not some random guy i met last Saturday while we were drunk. I'm not a slut.

 

The thing is, you two are friends..But you love him more on a romantic level and he didn't feel the same way..If he did, he would have married you and not someone else.

 

The friendship isn't healthy because his attention now is split and the feelings you have for him aren't platonic, so that complicates things.

 

Have you met his wife? Were you invited to their wedding?

 

Not saying you'll jump at him and help him cheat on his wife, but what you feel for him is strong, you're very attached and for you that's not a good thing because he is going to hurt you, even more so that he's got this 'cat/mouse' game happening (you back off and he shows interest..) .. Real and true friendships don't involve this game and feelings don't ruin it either.

[2sure]

Have you met in person yet? Now that he realizes he loves you, has he told you what he would like to happen , if anything?

 

What would you like to happen?

[jennifernyc84]

He's got a huge ego. It's not that he 'lied' to you, it's more like he's been used to you being in his life, probably knowing full well how you feel about him and when you stepped back, he realized he wanted you. Not realy lying but selfishly manipulating you (not meanly)..

 

The thing is, you hold a torch for him, always did and now he's married so that has to hurt, right?

 

Can you imagine falling in love with someone else?

 

You have no idea how badly i wish i could. I tried for two years to get this man out of my system. Honestly, i hate how strongly i feel for him. I hate that at the sound of his my world stops. I wish i had control over how i feel. I really do.

[carhill]

You know, i thought this was a place where i could get some advice our encouragement. I didn't think I'd get criticized or judged especially since we are all kinda in the same boat. I thought that was the purpose of this forum being labeled "the other man/woman"

OP, since you're new, my credentials are being a former married man who had an affair and a former OM from many years ago. You're getting a male perspective from someone who's lived it and is likely much older than yourself. You have choices. Watch those actions. My fOW could've accessed our court filings at any time from the comfort of her living room. You can do the same, if he's serious. I was serious and now I'm divorced. Over and done. Good luck and welcome to LS

[whichwayisup]

You have no idea how badly i wish i could. I tried for two years to get this man out of my system. Honestly, i hate how strongly i feel for him. I hate that at the sound of his my world stops. I wish i had control over how i feel. I really do.

 

It hurts. I'm sorry this is killing you inside. The thing is, you cannot be friends with someone you're in love with, and they're not in love back. Fact is, he chose to marry someone else..

 

The only way out (and I know you'll hate this) is to never see or speak to him again. The friendship has to end because it's one sided. It's not fair of him to unload how he feels about you after all this time when now he's married. That was awful of him to do you seeing as he KNOWS how you feel about him.

 

He can lead you on without knowing it, you give yourself hope and wonder the what if's.. Not a good thing seeing as he's got a ring on his finger.

 

Are you her friend too? Do you feel jealous or hurt when he speaks of her, or you see them together?

 

Time and distance will fix this. Hope you can end it and hope he respects your decision to end it and stay away.

[jennifernyc84]

It hurts. I'm sorry this is killing you inside. The thing is, you cannot be friends with someone you're in love with, and they're not in love back. Fact is, he chose to marry someone else..

 

The only way out (and I know you'll hate this) is to never see or speak to him again. The friendship has to end because it's one sided. It's not fair of him to unload how he feels about you after all this time when now he's married. That was awful of him to do you seeing as he KNOWS how you feel about him.

 

He can lead you on without knowing it, you give yourself hope and wonder the what if's.. Not a good thing seeing as he's got a ring on his finger.

 

Are you her friend too? Do you feel jealous or hurt when he speaks of her, or you see them together?

 

Time and distance will fix this. Hope you can end it and hope he respects your decision to end it and stay away.

 

Yeah i know his wife. I mean, I've met her s few times. But basically i try to keep my distance. And then he throws me this curve ball. Its not fair. Why should i have to be the one to give him up?

[jennifernyc84]

You are getting advice from fow or ow and a fom.

 

Encouragement to go on and get your heart broken.......no. Something you should keep in mind is that many of us have walked in the ****e path you are stepping in and we hate to see someone else step in it. The advice comes form a place of caring and concern. You don't like it, because it sounds harsh and it's not what you wanted. You wanted someone to tell you to go for it, that he loves you. I can't tell you that........had my own experience and I've been here too long to tell you something that is false from what you've said about it. No all stories aren't the same........but many have similarities. You've said NOTHING at all that indicates this man loves you, in fact we see that he is going to use you to get his ego stroked and for some sex, and we see that you are gonna let him. You are gonna be his doormat.....do you really want that for yourself? Loving someone should not cost your self respect or bring you pain or be done on the sly. That is NOT love.

 

I understand where you're coming from but also try understand where I'm coming from. darkness and depression, loneliness for two years. Then he comes up and gives me this. It feels like a ray of sunshine. Don't i deserve that?

[2sure]

You have asked why should you should have to be the one to give him up?

 

Has he ever given you any reason to think that he is going leave his wife?

His plan probably involves no one giving him up.

 

And sure, of course you deserve some sunshine ....but if his feelings are not the same as yours, you already know how much it will hurt.

[jennifernyc84]

The thing that we are hoping you will see is that it's not a ray of sunshine. It's some empty words. Love is a verb, not just a feeling. Words don't mean a thing, words won't keep you warm at night. I'm such a wordy person, I've always put such value on what someone says.....I've had to relearn all that. Words without actions.......mean nothing.

 

If he means it........make him prove it, with divorce papers. Respect and honor yourself with requiring more from him than just words. He will respect you more for not settling if he truly cares.

 

Something else......you don't deserve what you might get when it comes at someone's else's expense. (his wife) We can rationalize it, excuse it, but most of know deep down, that we are telling ourselves bs. Wrong is wrong.

 

How can you be so sure that its bs? How can you know that he doesn't mean what he's saying? Please, no offense, I'm not trying to be rude. i just need someone to talk to about this. I do appreciate your advice

[jennifernyc84]

Something else......he won't fix your darkness or depression. No one but you can do that. Another hard lesson that I've learned.

 

That darkness and depression is not about him, it's inside of you. An affair with him, will only bring you down even more.

 

On the contrare, the depression is because of him

[jennifernyc84]

I'm sorry but if you believe this man will fix you and fix your sadness. Your happiness should never be dependent on someone else. I used to think like that and it has brought me many years of pain........self inflicted pain. If you have an affair with him, he will drag you down even further. You will see a shade of black you haven't saw before, when you ride that roller coaster. I wish you had a crystal ball.......so you could see what your future will look like, how painful it will be if you go there with him. Frankly........you've got issues, that have nothing to do with him if you believe him loving you will make you happy.

 

What do you do for yourself that makes you happy? What do you enjoy?

 

May I ask how old you are? How old is he?

 

i take care of myself. I have a great job, live on my own in new York city which had been my dream. I'm on the way to opening my own business hopefully if all goes well. I'm 27, he's 29

[Minka333]

Most people here have been to where you are headed. They are throwing wise words for you to heed. You may be a stranger but they care enough to prevent another soul from committing the same mistakes.

 

It's all up to you if you're gonna listen or not...

[jennifernyc84]

Most people here have been to where you are headed. They are throwing wise words for you to heed. You may be a stranger but they care enough to prevent another soul from committing the same mistakes.

 

It's all up to you if you're gonna listen or not...

 

I know that, and i am thankful for that. I just can't understand how someone can tell me that he doesn't love me. They can't possibly know that.

[ThatJustHappened]

Nobody knows whether he loves you or not besides him. The thing is..if he loved you enough, he wouldn't have married someone else, or he would be in the process of getting a divorce right now so he could be with you.

 

I'll tell you what it looks like from the outside..from a completely objective point of view. He was used to having you by his side fawning over him all the time..then he met his wife and she satisfied that need in him..but now the honeymoon period of his marriage is over and he needs an ego boost, so he calls you knowing you'll come running.

 

I'm sure you came on here hoping people would tell you that's wonderful and romantic and that you have every reason to be happy..and that's why you're getting angry at us for telling you what we're telling you..but it sounds to me like you're setting yourself up for a whole lot of pain.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[jennifernyc84]

Nobody knows whether he loves you or not besides him. The thing is..if he loved you enough, he wouldn't have married someone else, or he would be in the process of getting a divorce right now so he could be with you.

 

I'll tell you what it looks like from the outside..from a completely objective point of view. He was used to having you by his side fawning over him all the time..then he met his wife and she satisfied that need in him..but now the honeymoon period of his marriage is over and he needs an ego boost, so he calls you knowing you'll come running.

 

I'm sure you came on here hoping people would tell you that's wonderful and romantic and that you have every reason to be happy..and that's why you're getting angry at us for telling you what we're telling you..but it sounds to me like you're setting yourself up for a whole lot of pain.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

 

Ok, so he said he loves, and i know i love him, right? So should i just let that go to waste?

[ThatJustHappened]

He says he loves you. That may or may not be true. Regardless though, actions speak louder than words. Has he left his wife? Is he filing for divorce? If the answer is no, and if he has no plans to do that, then yes, you leave it alone and walk away before he hurts you any more than you're already hurting.