In love with MM

[TheOW]

Where to start ! We live in a small community and have known each other (just a "hi" in the passing) but we have always been attracted to each other. Anyway he's been married for 30 years and has 3 kids, they seem the perfect couple. I am in a long term relationship (10 years) and have been unhappy for a while - i also have 2 kids! He is 48 i am 27. Thats the basics

 

We had our first kiss 3 years ago and left it at that - i went on to have children with partner. We met last year in our local and kissed again but swapped numbers this time and there our affair started - i will admit i was all for having this affair he has never done something like this before and he still (1 year down the line still tells me he loves his wife) trouble is he loves me too ... yes u may think hes saying this because of sex etc but hes not that type of person, he feels really guilty about whats he's doing but cant resist me (i dont help this either) we have set a date for finishing completely. I cant lose him i love him i know he loves me and i know he cant continue betraying his wife it literally kills him. Is it possible for him to love 2 people ? Im not stupid i know i am forfilling the things he hasnt got in his marriage - Im confused and if i could finish tomorrow i would, i know im being selfish to my partner and children. We text everyday and meet up for an hour 3 times a week and go to hotels once or twice a month. Its not always sex either we enjoy each others company and can text nonsense to each other for hours. I know im only getting the dregs of his time (he wont text if his family are around etc and does always put them first) I know he is most likely confused as well and we are both dreading D-Day, my fears are we finish and i lose him or we continue and get caught (sometimes i want this to happen)

 

Where do i go, what does he really feel for me ? He has taken big risks with his family to see me

[Tenacity]

Honestly, from the description it seems that most of your 'in person' time with him is spent an hour here and there (I assume mostly for sex) and that most of the "time" you spend together is through text messages.

 

You don't fall in love with someone through text messages. You might fall in love with the fantasy of someone - but from your description he can't possibly know you well enough to actually love you - I think he loves the idea of you, and how you make him feel.

 

At least he's honest that he loves his wife. He isn't going to leave her, not in a million years. What are you looking for? What do you expect to happen?

 

One of two things will happen: 1) you will have an affair with him long-term and be his secret side dish mistress, cheating on your significant other and on his wife for years on end until D day on one end or the other when everything in both your worlds blows up around you; or 2) eventually it will wear itself out. Either way your heart will be broken - the level of "broken" will be exponentially proportional to the number of months and years you invest in the affair.

 

There are no other options. He isn't leaving his wife. There is no way you are going to compete with a woman he loves and has built a life with for over 30 years and 3 kids. I recommend you get out now - it just gets worse from here.

Edited November 19, 2012 by Tenacity

[TheOW]

Hi thanks for quick reply

 

Just to clear a few things - we know everything about each we are quite emotionally attached this way. We can go weeks without having sex he doesnt like to think hes taking advantage so we just chat and cuddle the few days we see each other. I know im just trying to convinve myself this is right and we are made for each other. I just cant let go - i have to i know this, he wont leave his wife he has already said this (he has admitted that they are not sexually involved with each other and havent been for quite some time)

 

If i could just convince my heart to finish i would ... im being so selfish to my children I get all moody with them if me and him have a small argument or if he doesnt text back for hours, its getting out of hand i know.

[awkward]

We can go weeks without having sex he doesnt like to think hes taking advantage so we just chat and cuddle the few days we see each other.

 

This is the second time I have seen this this week. Seriously, this is not high school. We are dealing with adults... who make choices ... choices to have sex with each other. Where is this taking advantage of thing coming from?

 

What he means is that he doesn't want you to think he is just using you because he is.

[pteromom]

The affair is an escape from the responsibilities and tediousness of real life. Should he ever leave his wife and come to you instead, he would need someone else to escape to, as you would become real life.

 

As it is, he can escape into a world of cuddles and kisses and sex and romance, then go back home to his wife. His "big risks" aren't about you - they are about the excitement you represent.

 

If it was killing him to betray his wife, he would stop doing it. The fact that his actions don't line up with his integrity doesn't ADD points for him - it subtracts them.

 

You don't want this man. You think you do, but you don't. "Winning" would be a short-lived victory.

[TheOW]

:laugh: Is that what he told you?

 

Your "down" time is caused by one or both of these: He has other other women and/or he has regular and good sex with his wife.

 

 

It may seem like this to u and reading my post I don't blame you either but it's not like that - and I'm not being naive either thinking otherwise, he has always been open with me at the beginning it was all about sex he told me this straight - as time has gone on and we have got to know each other inside out things have changed (we never truly discuss our partners) he knows I'm unhappy. He admits he wants me to move on and be happy with life but he also admits it hurts him to let me go.

 

It's easy to condem him/us from an outside view w/out knowing all our details. He defo hasnt had affairs in the past he isn't the type if I'm honest I have seduced him (Im young/pretty and work out a lot, I'm not being bigheaded about this either I'm just stating facts)

 

So maybe I do deserve to heartbroken when it ends (we will find out soon enough dday is fast approaching) he wants to continue speaking/texting etc I've said no it can't work that way if we finish no more contact (going to be very hard as we live a few streets away and will bump into each other regardless from time to time)

[TheOW]

Ok - I'm not going to convince u otherwise but I know 1000% he hasn't done this before - the amount of times he's tried to back away (at the beginning) but I made it very hard for him (I would always look my best when seeing him). I'm 20 years younger and I do play to my strengths to keep him ....

 

Yes my story is like a broken record on here and I know the likely outcome ... He will go back to his wife and family and i will be left heartbroken and damaged. :-) I will feel used, abused and dirty and I deserve it! But I still can't let go of him ... I wish I could just do it but I'm in too deep

[Mount]

It is amazing that how come all affairs are the same, even the conversation, or text patten...etc.

 

I have very similar situation as yours, age difference between the MM and OW, although I am non-married.

 

How long has your affair going on? I know the feeling that being strung along, moody is not good at all, that is why I determine to finish the "business" with MM now as my A has been going on almost 6 months.

 

You said you have childrem, so certainly they can detect your mood up and down, also if your A has been long, it really stresses you out.

 

Believe, the words from the mouth of your MM are the exactly same as my MM. So just please don't believe it.

 

Hi thanks for quick reply

 

Just to clear a few things - we know everything about each we are quite emotionally attached this way. We can go weeks without having sex he doesnt like to think hes taking advantage so we just chat and cuddle the few days we see each other. I know im just trying to convinve myself this is right and we are made for each other. I just cant let go - i have to i know this, he wont leave his wife he has already said this (he has admitted that they are not sexually involved with each other and havent been for quite some time)

 

If i could just convince my heart to finish i would ... im being so selfish to my children I get all moody with them if me and him have a small argument or if he doesnt text back for hours, its getting out of hand i know.

[Pierre]

Ok - I'm not going to convince u otherwise but I know 1000% he hasn't done this before - the amount of times he's tried to back away (at the beginning) but I made it very hard for him (I would always look my best when seeing him). I'm 20 years younger and I do play to my strengths to keep him ....

 

Yes my story is like a broken record on here and I know the likely outcome ... He will go back to his wife and family and i will be left heartbroken and damaged. :-) I will feel used, abused and dirty and I deserve it! But I still can't let go of him ... I wish I could just do it but I'm in too deep

 

You cannot let him go because you are unable to be happy on your own. You need OM to be happy. Just as in the past you needed your partner to make you happy. However, your partner is no match for the OM. Your partner cannot make you happy.

 

The other question is:

 

Do you make your partner happy?

[Tenacity]

But I still can't let go of him ... I wish I could just do it but I'm in too deep

 

At this point you have two choices: deep, or deeper. It just gets impossibly harder. Take it from some of us who have done what you are doing for years on end.

 

I do get what you are saying about your MM. Maybe he's not a player. Not "all" of them are. I felt the same as you for the first few years of my affair, and still know that he loved me. That wasn't a lie... but ultimately he didn't do anything about it.

 

You CAN let go of him... you just choose not to.

 

You will do what you will do....and will reap what you sew. Just go forward (as it sounds like you aren't going to make any decisions to end it) with your eyes wide open, so it won't be such a shock at the end. I truly hope you don't lose your kids over it.... sounds to me like they are already being affected by your affair.

[TheOW]

We have been seeing each other for almost a year now ... Started off sporadically but now it has become more intense And we try to see each other as much as we can.

 

No I don't make my partner happy (physically anyway) I haven't touched him in almost 3 years now but we very young children who adore their father and he adores them, I just can't split them up I can't hurt him like that, this is why I stay and most likely why I am cheating on him (and most likely why he stays with me) - I will never be physically attracted to my partner again the passion has gone I don't love him

 

I asked him why he sees me if he is happy in his marriage - he admitted that they haven't been physical for a few years (this could be lies I know this)

 

You are all right of course about my children they come first and I am beig extremely selfish about this - if there was a drug to take to erase these feelings I have for MM I would take it in a second - I'm a very emotional person, maybe u are right in saying I need counciling -

[veryhappy]

I'll change the angle here. MM is not that important to your situation. The big question is: are you okay with losing your marriage? If you are not, you'd better end the affair. While women take unfaithful man, scrub them and sex them until the M is renewed, husbands have a much more difficult time with getting over infidelity. You are playing with fire, while all he's risking is going back to an improved marriage if he gets caught.

 

There's no future with your MM. He's not even faking it. He's putting his family first consistently, he's given you an hour here and there and told you he's not leaving. There's nothing to debate. When your expiration date will pass, he'll want an extension. What makes you believe you'll stay away from him?

[veryhappy]

The drug to erase intense feelings is called time away from your AP. No contact.

 

How was the R with your H at its best? What were the most passionate times and how long did that last? Did you lose interest because youfelt emotionally neglected or it was just the changes of having kids?

[TheOW]

It was during pregnancy that I realised I didn't love my partner anymore and I was lying to myself that I did, sex was a chore to me I didn't enjoy it. Now it's exciting and I feel alive like 27 yr old should, but for all the wrong reasons I know

 

 

 

 

Hockey - u are right I'm just a scared little girl who's never been on her own before but i still can't bear the thought of taking his kids away from him I know they will all adjust Im not a cold hearted monster just because I'm having an affair.

[veryhappy]

How was sex at its best with your H and how long did that phase last?

[MissBee]

IMO, it doesn't matter whether or not the A is all about sex or not. Most As aren't all about sex, but it doesn't change the reality of him not leaving and you being in a dead end situation.

 

If you don't love your spouse, I'd really try to figure out what to do about that. I personally feel like most people shouldn't be with the same person since teen years. I can't really even imagine being with a high school boyfriend throughout all that time. It can work out...but I feel like being single when you're a teen and entering college has soooooo many more benefits, as you grow and change so much, and you often can have a better gauge after all that about how to choose a life partner. It seems you were with him since 17, you had a baby, married and here you are. I'd suggest you go to marriage counseling and try to see if this is something that can be worked on or if you should move on.

 

But certainly just carrying on the affair indefinitely might not be the greatest idea, as you'll only invest more and more and get hurt and especially if a dday occurs that will make it even worse.

[frozensprouts]

a few things to think about...

 

(a) he is probably still having sex with his wife...otherwise, she'd know something was up if the sex suddenly stopped

 

(b) you say he isn't the type to cheat? Oh my dear...what the h@ll do you think he's doing with you? he is the type to cheat and he's cheating...

 

© perhaps instead of using your affair as a crutch, why not actually suck it up and deal with the problems in your primary relationship? stop hiding behind your kids and "woman up'...you're not a child, you're an adult. if you are unhappy, what are you going to do to make a change? you do have options, but exercising them is hard, and it's easier to cheat...that's still no excuse

 

(d) you say you can't end your primary relationship because it will hurt your spouse/kids..so you cheat? what on earth do you think will happen if you get caught cheating? your spouse and children will be much more hurt and it will be your fault.

 

I'm not trying to be mean, but you don't seem to see the reality of your situation...what you are having isn't some great love affair...it's sex cuddling in cheap motel rooms and texting...if you don't sort your life out soon, you'll be looking back someday and wondering why you wasted the last ten years of your life on this guy...your kids will be grown, and your relationship with their father will be ruined beyond repair and you'll end up alone and sad...no one wants that for you

[alexandria35]

We have been seeing each other for almost a year now ... Started off sporadically but now it has become more intense And we try to see each other as much as we can.

 

No I don't make my partner happy (physically anyway) I haven't touched him in almost 3 years now but we very young children who adore their father and he adores them, I just can't split them up I can't hurt him like that, this is why I stay and most likely why I am cheating on him (and most likely why he stays with me) - I will never be physically attracted to my partner again the passion has gone I don't love him

 

I asked him why he sees me if he is happy in his marriage - he admitted that they haven't been physical for a few years (this could be lies I know this)

 

You are all right of course about my children they come first and I am beig extremely selfish about this - if there was a drug to take to erase these feelings I have for MM I would take it in a second - I'm a very emotional person, maybe u are right in saying I need counciling -

 

You don't have to take the kids away from your partner, but you could at least give him a choice by telling him the truth. Tell him that you don't love him and that you've been boinking some old married dude and then let your partner decide if he wants to keep living with you as a co-parent or if he wants to seperate and share custody. You have no right to take his choices away from him by withholding the truth simply because that's what works in your own best interest. You say you don't want to hurt your partner but the way you are deceiving him right now is far more cruel and selfish than seperating would be. At least tell him the truth and give him a choice.

[TheOW]

You all right of course but it's trying to convince myself to finish it with him and my current partner - Im scared it's as simple as that. Some part of me is hoping when me and MM split that he will miraculously announce he wants to be with me - I will give him that option when we do part - if not I've come realise my children's happiness comes first and we will make a go of it on our own they deserve a mother who is happy and not an emotional wreck because she has fallen for someone's husband ! This will be hard as we live close to each other and we will bump into each other regularly

[Pierre]

OP

 

We had our first kiss 3 years ago and left it at that - i went on to have children with partner.

 

Why did you decided to have children with your partner if you were already into this cheating MM? Think about it. With no kids you would be free to move and leave. Why did you decided to have kids with a man you don’t love; particularly when you were falling in love with MM?

 

1 year down the line still tells me he loves his wife) trouble is he loves me too. Is it possible for him to love 2 people ?

 

It is common for cheaters to love two people. He loves you as his OW and he loves his wife as his wife. He also loves his dad as his dad and he loves his mom as his mom. MM feels lust and excitement for you. MM feels long term attachment and stability for his wife, the mother of his children. Guess who wins after d-day? The wife!!!!!!!!!! It is always easier to give up the side dish (the OW). The OW only wins if the MM is in an exit affair. IN other words he was on his way out before you came along.

 

we go to hotels once or twice a month.

 

I will say that for an affair that is a very low number of encounters. He must be getting more sex elsewhere or he is not that much into you. That is a very low frequency!!

 

Where do i go, what does he really feel for me ? He has taken big risks with his family to see me

 

He loves you as the OW; it is called cake eating. For him you are the frosting on the cake and he loves cake. Yes, he loves you, but this love is not strong at all. It may seem intense, but if you had a d-day he would throw you under the bus. I think he has made this quite clear.

 

As for risks: Cheating spouses are narcissists and out of touch. They believe they will never get caught. That is the mindset of a cheater. I am certain you feel your husband will never figure out you are cheating.

 

We can go weeks without having sex he doesnt like to think hes taking advantage so we just chat and cuddle

 

This OM does not like sex with you or he has a low supply of Viagra. Or maybe he is getting sex elsewhere.

 

(he has admitted that they are not sexually involved with each other and havent been for quite some time)

 

By now you should know that this is standard for cheating MM. This phrase is in the cheaters handbook.

 

im being so selfish to my children I get all moody with them if me and him have a small argument or if he doesnt text back for hours, its getting out of hand i know.

 

BTW, you are also betraying your children. Did you know that?

Your MM does not care how often you text. He has you eating out of his hands because you are starving for external validation.

I have seduced him (Im young/pretty and work out a lot, I'm not being bigheaded about this either I'm just stating facts)

 

For a young pretty woman you have made bad choices: Why did you make babies with a man you do not love? Why did you pick an oldie to be your MM? The behaviors scream low self esteem. You had babies looking for external validation. And when that was not enough you went for MM. You are not happy, but you keep looking in the wrong places.

Yes my story is like a broken record on here and I know the likely outcome

 

Yes, your affair is quite mundane and well below average. There is hardly any sex. He must be using the Viagra on someone else.

 

if there was a drug to take to erase these feelings I have for MM I would take it in a second - I'm a very emotional person, maybe u are right in saying I need counciling –

 

The drug is called permanent NC and it works quite well. You are emotional because you are intrinsically unhappy. Your happiness is dependent on the actions of others.

Edited November 20, 2012 by Pierre

[Mount]

:laugh::p:p

 

Pierre why you said their A is having low frequency of sex, maybe the MM does love her and is focused on emtional satisfaction. How frequent is normal as an Affair?

 

OP

 

 

I will say that for an affair that is a very low number of encounters. He must be getting more sex elsewhere or he is not that much into you. That is a very low frequency!!

 

 

 

He loves you as the OW; it is called cake eating. For him you are the frosting on the cake and he loves cake. Yes, he loves you, but this love is not strong at all. It may seem intense, but if you had a d-day he would throw you under the bus. I think he has made this quite clear.

 

As for risks: Cheating spouses are narcissists and out of touch. They believe they will never get caught. That is the mindset of a cheater. I am certain you feel your husband will never figure out you are cheating.

 

 

 

This OM does not like sex with you or he has a low supply of Viagra. Or maybe he is getting sex elsewhere.

 

 

 

By now you should know that this is standard for cheating MM. This phrase is in the cheaters handbook.

 

 

 

BTW, you are also betraying your children. Did you know that?

Your MM does not care how often you text. He has you eating out of his hands because you are starving for external validation.

 

 

For a young pretty woman you have made bad choices: Why did you make babies with a man you do not love? Why did you pick an oldie to be your MM? The behaviors scream low self esteem. You had babies looking for external validation. And when that was not enough you went for MM. You are not happy, but you keep looking in the wrong places.

 

 

Yes, your affair is quite mundane and well below average. There is hardly any sex. He must be using the Viagra on someone else.

 

 

 

The drug is called permanent NC and it works quite well. You are emotional because you are intrinsically unhappy. Your happiness is dependent on the actions of others.

[Pierre]

:laugh::p:p

 

Pierre why you said their A is having low frequency of sex, maybe the MM does love her and is focused on emtional satisfaction. How frequent is normal as an Affair?

 

Once a month is a low number whether you are in an affair or married for 20 years.

[Mount]

But they do meet 3 times per week, even just for one hour-ish. They went to motel twice a month.

 

So how frequent is normal for affair:D:D:D

 

Once a month is a low number whether you are in an affair or married for 20 years.

[Mme. Chaucer]

What exactly is it you are trying to figure out?

 

You say you won't break up your family.

 

The MM still loves his wife - even if he DOES love you as well, there is no way that you'll win in that contest if it comes down to that, and you know it. Otherwise you two would not be in this situation.

 

So all the conjecture about what he might or might not feel is really not pertinent. You are having an affair with all the regular cliches in place. I hope you will choose to stop it.

 

So -

 

What do you want out of your life?

 

If you are truly not happy in your relationship, it is time to move away from it. No two ways about it. Please stop using children as an excuse. Be a stand-up woman and face your life. You are not doing your kids any favors by living dishonestly, and you are destroying your self.

 

Your affair is wrong and I am not sympathetic, but the real problem here is your refusal, so far, to take charge of your own life and the way you feel about it.

[stillafool]

 

No I don't make my partner happy (physically anyway) I haven't touched him in almost 3 years now but we very young children who adore their father and he adores them, I just can't split them up I can't hurt him like that, this is why I stay and most likely why I am cheating on him (and most likely why he stays with me) - I will never be physically attracted to my partner again the passion has gone I don't love him

 

I asked him why he sees me if he is happy in his marriage - he admitted that they haven't been physical for a few years (this could be lies I know this)

 

You are all right of course about my children they come first and I am beig extremely selfish about this - if there was a drug to take to erase these feelings I have for MM I would take it in a second - I'm a very emotional person, maybe u are right in saying I need counciling -

 

 

So are you saying that if MM left his wife for you you would still leave your kids with their father since you don't want to split them up?