Dear Dickwad,. . .

[lifelesson101]

My MM abruptly ended an over two year affair with me. He sent a two sentence email stating how bad things were for him at home and we needed to go "no contact." Period.

 

I struggled with this for months. I never contacted him - and I wont. But that doesn't mean I did not have anything to say to him. I had plenty to say!

 

Based on the suggestion of other LS members, I am starting a "Dear Dickwad," thread. If you are the OW or a BS, please write a final letter to the one who hurt you and post it here. I think we can all learn a lot and be of support to one another. Besides, it will be a great cathartic writing exercise, if nothing else.

 

Following is the letter I wrote to my Dickwad:

 

Dear Dickwad,

 

We shared more than two years together. We talked about everything . . . including the ending of our relationship. We both agreed to give each other free reign to end it at anytime, no questions asked.

 

Then your wife found out. . .

 

It is OK that you ended it with me. I understand that and I understand the need for it. We made no promises; you made no promises. I just effing hate the way you did it. A two line, crappy email, stating how bad it was for you at home and we had to go “no contact.” I get it, I do. But would it have killed you to exhibit a shred of kindness or basic human decency? Especially since you spent the last two years telling me how much you loved me and contacting me daily, sometime 3 or 4 times a day! Any thought for what I MIGHT BE FEELING? That’s right… I forgot, it is all about poor little victim you… I never put a pistol to your head, sir. You did everything of your own volition.

 

I don’t want an apology. I just wanted you to be nice in the end - even (if you had to pretend) like you cared – just a little bit.

 

Eff-U,

Me.

[lifelesson101]

Just one question: Why do you feel as though you deserve kindness from HER (not your) MM for not ending the lie on your terms, but for his wife's benefit?

 

The affair ended after about 2 years? Sounds about the right time for the romantic love nonsense 2 burn out, as it always does.

 

-ol' 2long

 

How in the world did you come up with this? I do not deserve any kindness from her, never expected it, never asked for it -- no do I deserve any kindness from his wife. That is NOT what this is about. If you would read my letter again, I believe I clearly stated we communicated openly and often about ending the affair and we both had free reign to end it whenever we want to, for whatever reason. I had no "terms," for ending anything - only wanted a shred of kindness. That which I extend him. That is all. You sound like a very hurt, and betrayed spouse. I am sorry for your pain.

[herenow]

I'm a bit confused. It sounds like you and the MM had an agreement that he stuck to. He told you that he needed NC because it was bad at home. What more do you think he should have said or done? Sounds like he was honest and you are now upset and calling him a "dickwad" for doing what you both agreed would be OK.

[Mycatsnuggles]

Since I asked for the start of the thread I would ask posters to stay on topic. This thread is to address 'THE DICKWAD" not the poster. If you want to reinforce what an A** he is post away. Please a little respect for people to vent some frustration. Open to all to post to "some idiot that hurt em" but in this case its not the poster.

 

K - Thanks.

 

LL - not feeling the anger yet only the sadness but when it comes definitely will be posting here

[lifelesson101]

I'm a bit confused. It sounds like you and the MM had an agreement that he stuck to. He told you that he needed NC because it was bad at home. What more do you think he should have said or done? Sounds like he was honest and you are now upset and calling him a "dickwad" for doing what you both agreed would be OK.

 

We did have an agreement to freely end it at any time. We also talked at length about how we would end it if the time came, and we agreed to do it in a caring manner, not do not do it with cruelty or throw one another under the proverbial bus. The way he handled it hurts because it was against was against how we agreed to handle things. But talking about it here helps a lot. I hope that cleared up your question/comment.

[herenow]

We did have an agreement to freely end it at any time. We also talked at length about how we would end it if the time came, and we agreed to do it in a caring manner, not do not do it with cruelty or throw one another under the proverbial bus. The way he handled it hurts because it was against was against how we agreed to handle things. But talking about it here helps a lot. I hope that cleared up your question/comment.

 

Well, I can understand why you would call him a dickwad. I only want to say that the way he told you is the way a therapist (or his wife) would tell him to go about it. Complete and total NC. It's quite possible that he had a D-day and wants to works on his marriage. I don't say this to disagree with you, just to give you a possible reason why he would do what he did.

Edited April 23, 2013 by herenow

[lifelesson101]

Hmmm...I started this thread in hopes of giving others the opportunity to vent their hurt or frustration with their current affair or how it ended. Instead, I am under a microscope regarding my feelings. I am entitled to my feelings and reactions based on what I shared with this man that none of you were privy to. Agreed... he can end it how he wanted to. Just as I can feel hurt and frustration about it what he chose to do.

 

Having said that; I am now done explaining myself.

 

I would love to hear from others and would welcome the opportunity to offer support to those who are in a similar situation.

[Ihaveaheadache]

Yes its total BS! he sent you a two line email!! I'm having an affair with a MM and we also agreed to never just say suddenly NC! We agreed it would be done in person. Thats crappy, and yes he is dickwad. But at this point you have to admit that he was NOT a very great guy to begin with if he can have this love affair and then turn and drop off the face of the earth. Your so better off even if its hard to see now.

[Mycatsnuggles]

LL - my OM and I had a similar agreement. We knew one day it would end but we promised to never "just disappear, have also promised to check in with each other thru the years, felt we have to much to just end and never hear from each other again. Will it be reality? Will I too get the terse letter? Its a fear. Do I have the right to expect more? No but I want it.

[2sure]

Dear Dickwad,

 

You thought I could fix you didn't you? You thought marrying me would improve your image, your career, your social life , and your little cheating problem you failed to mention during our full disclosure talks upon our engagement.

 

Never occurred to you that I might be upset about moving my home and child and incorporating my career into yours, and then finding out you had a "problem".

 

All the time you spent convincing me I was crazy and it wasn't happening...you should have golfed more. The cheating I could work on, the lies and gaslighting were malicious manifestations of your endless and selfish need for validation, and they nearly broke me.

 

You picked the wrong woman. For the rest of your life when something goes wrong, I know you will wonder if I had a hand in it. I planned it that way.

 

Oh, and you aren't funny. You're annoying. It's not just me.

 

XX

[RickFox]

I coudln't say what I wanted to say to xMW, I think I'd take the bandwidth up.

 

I'm not sure if I'm more pissed off at her or myself for even getting involved and falling for all the BS.

[whichwayisup]

We did have an agreement to freely end it at any time. We also talked at length about how we would end it if the time came, and we agreed to do it in a caring manner, not do not do it with cruelty or throw one another under the proverbial bus. The way he handled it hurts because it was against was against how we agreed to handle things. But talking about it here helps a lot. I hope that cleared up your question/comment.

 

Just means your ex DickWad did what was best for him. Remember, DickWad cheated and lied to his wife, so as much as you had hoped he would have ended it more honestly or with more respect/caring, I'm sure he meant what he said (when things were good in the A, before d-day) but then he had to chose between his wife and you, so he ended it in a way that he didn't have to deal with you, your pain and emotions. Shi.tty yes, but affairs usually don't end nicely.

[Journee]

Smoocherific,

 

 

I didn't know if my liking your post would be confusion actually hate that any of that happened to you. I just like you being able to vent. I'm sorry that you went through that.

[So happy together]

LL - my OM and I had a similar agreement. We knew one day it would end but we promised to never "just disappear, have also promised to check in with each other thru the years, felt we have to much to just end and never hear from each other again. Will it be reality? Will I too get the terse letter? Its a fear. Do I have the right to expect more? No but I want it.

 

I have known my bf for 18 years. We were very close friends, probably even had an EA back then. We backed away to work on our other relationships. But we made that same promise to always keep in touch. 18 years later... we're in an open, loving relationship. It can happen.

 

Sorry for the T/J. But at least I'm not questioning why you did things, which pisses me off when it happens. Lol

[ViresSanctity]

I think it's a great idea for you to vent your frustration here .

 

It's not like you're sending this for him to read it. That would be dreadful.

 

---

 

Before yes. After the break up, I didn't feel any anger towards my OW. I'm not sure if that's a process that you go through some day.

 

I just miss the days and memories we shared. And like you, calling each other everyday. I used to tell her I loved her every morning before she went to work and every night before she went to bed. She asked me why at the beginning and I told her I didn't know what would happen to us in the future, so I don't want to regret a day for not saying "I love you" when I still can. I'm very glad I did now.

 

Sorry, this is supposed to be a vent. I'll come back when it hits me.

[ThatJustHappened]

Dear Dickw...

 

Meh..you're not worth the effort. PEACE SUCKA!!!

[waterwoman]

OK.... you asked!

 

Dear DW,

 

what a prat! You thought our maritial problems where so bad that I wouldn't care if you had a little dalliance with a co-worker! Brilliant! I am impressed at your razor sharp intellgence. And then you told yourself I wouldn't care...how d'you figure that one then? Or at the most you thought 'I wouldn't be very happy'- as if you'd just come home from the pub late . And guess what? OK we are trying to reconcile because that is what we both wanted but who knows? I am not 100% sure that is what I want now. Wonder how well you'd cope without me to hold your effing **** together....hmm. Almost tempted to find out. You can go and find your little damsel in distress... I hear she's available now although pregant by who knows who. Perhaps her dysfunction and your lack of organisation will implode and create a small black hole.

 

I love you but sometimes I don't much like you. And you dumped on me BIG TIME and that still rankles.

 

Think on that for a while you selfish wa&ker!

 

Thought you'd like to know that.

 

 

cheers my darling xxxx

 

 

Wow! Feels better

[lifelesson101]

Oh oh!!! My turn!!!!

's life? So, how was Jail? What did you tell people you were in there for? Was I now the ex girlfriend you claimed was crazy like you described the other one I found out you beat? You know, nutcase..the one who called the cops on you for nothing. You asked me when you called me if I ever thought of you. Yes, at first I felt bad. I felt bad you were in jail, I felt bad that you lost your job. But really, you only got 4 friggin months! The bruising under my eyes, the big puffy patches didn't go away for almost a year, the plastic surgeon said they may never leave. My nose didnt heal properly, and re-broke just knocking into a card board box before you were even out. I couldn't afford a dentist for awhile, so two teeth killed me as they sat broken in my jaw getting infected. My broken cheek bone and broken teeth made eating terrible. I couldn't see out of one eye for over a month. Thank god it wasn't a detached retina as they thought at first, and thank god you didn't break my jaw bone.

 

Wow...

 

I read all of you letter; you indeed experienced an A with a Dickwad.

 

Seriously: If you are not in it already you should seek counseling. To hell with the affair, that is the least of your problems at the point. You were victimized in the worst possible way. As I read your letter, and the way you describe your fear, I would not be a bit surprised if you are no suffering from a mild from of Post Traumatic Stress and anxiety. Before the nay-sayers out there start attacking me. I am NOT diagnosing her, only stating my observations, and I do have lots of letters behind my name that give me free reign to do that. Also, you mentioned you had children who observed you after you were beaten by this man. They need some place safe to go talk about this and get it out too. Seeing your mom beat to the degree you were, and being too young and helpless to do anything about it is frightening for children and sometimes it makes them angry. Children's minds go all kinds of places. . . and they have huge fears they often keep repressed.

 

God speed to you, and take care of yourself. You mentioned you had another man in you life. I hope you take it slow and I hope you take the time to work through your emotions and heal from the abuse.

[DelusionalOne]

Dear DW,

 

Congratulations, you played me and hurt me. Does that make you feel like a man? Does that make you feel worthy? Are you happy that someone loved you enough that it caused pain when you left? Does that stroke your ego? You realize that make you a sociopath right?

 

Playing me is no great feat. I know I am naïve and I tend to believe that people are telling me the truth. I know…. Expecting a man who is cheating on his wife to be honest. Believe me, the irony is not lost on me. I guess I believed the boatload of lies that fell from your lips because I wanted to; I take responsibility for that. Just for the record, I never lied to you about anything. And, while you lied and threw me under the bus to save your own arse to your W, at least I was a grown-up and told the truth to my H.

 

I told you once that one of the things that most attracted me to you was your strength. Wow, hindsight really is 20/20 and I can see how weak and what a coward you really are. Yuck!

 

I think the thing that sticks in my mind the most is… why couldn’t you just let me walk away when I tried? It all could have ended right there. Is your ego so fragile? If anyone was going to walk away it was going to be you? Again, the word “sociopath” is coming to mind.

 

Just so you know…..You hurt me. You didn’t break me. I am getting past you and the whole thing. Time and distance is starting to show me that you are irrelevant and so not worthy of one single tear I shed over you.

 

I truly hope our paths never cross again.

 

~DelusionalOne

[meat department]

I will do a combo to all the men who have wronged me:

Dear DW,

Since September we had sex once a week, texted everyday, sent funny emails and you were married the whole time. You made me the the other woman without my consent. I can't forgive you for that. I didn't want to date you but I liked what we had but not at the expense of your wife. I could care less what happens to you but wondering about her keeps me up at night. I wonder how many other women you have, I also wonder what will happen when I tell her and yes I am telling her. I am telling her because she deserves to know, she deserved better from me and I owe it to her. So suck it, hopes she divorces you and takes your dog. Jerk.

 

Dear Husband,

You should have told me you were gay, we could have been friends. You should have told me about the men and women. I forgave you the first time but the second time I left so now please divorce me. I want my freedom. You did break my heart but not me. You don't have that kind of power. The only thing that I am truly upset about is how difficult you are making this divorce and how I know you will make the shared custody the worst ever for the next 15 years. So suck it, hope your girlfriend gets pregnant and you repeat the same pattern over again. I also hope you get some personal insight. Jerk.

[skylarblue]

Lifelesson101

 

I can totally understand your position (although not by experience). Sometimes it's not what you say/do, it's how you say/do it. A lot of times it's the how, not the what that causes the hurt feelings.

 

I gave my xMM a free-and-clear out from the A. I told him all he had to do was to end and ignore all contact from me for three days. Basically, just drop off. After the 3rd day, I'll assume he no longer wants to see me, and I wouldn't contact him again. I still would have been hurt if he chose to end the A in that manner. Why? Because even though he had that option, I would have thought/hoped that his love for me would have warranted concerns for my feelings. That I meant enough to him to not even have the heart to hurt me in that way. Do I think he owes me that? No, not anymore. Do I think I deserve it? Absolutely. I treated him no other way but kind and in the manner that he wanted. I've done nothing to him to warrant me not deserving it.

 

As for the letter, I really don't have a rant (I kinda did that to him IRL in the heat of the moment), but if I was to write it from the point I am right now, I would say:

 

Even though there are a lot of negatives that I could say, I honestly (and without hard feelings) don't have the desire, motivation, or concern that is necessary to expound the energy needed to expand on all of those negatives. What I will say is: Sometimes (in the mind-drift, sporadic sense), I still wonder as to what level the encompassing you was genuine. There were (are) times when I have no doubts to your sincerity, and there are times when I've said WTF. You were always at one end or the other and every space in-between. I think I have (always had) a pretty good and accurate idea on the situation, and I'm fine (what other choice do I have anyway, right). It would just be good to know, like KNOW know. Like the kind of "know" that I know is TRUE because I did it. That kind of 100% know (and yes, I've been smoking lol). But seriously, I'm totally fine, in like no ill- or condemning feelings or schadenfreude-esque wishes being thrown (although I still call you a prick from time to time, but that's nothing new or unknown lol).

 

You know, it is what it is. I wish some things didn't happen. I wish some things were handled differently. I wish things were just better, but who knows where things would have been now. Things could have ended up worse. You just never know the path of the untaken road.

 

I really don't know where all the years went or how the hell we got there. I know you don't like to hear it, but if I had the choice to do it again, I wouldn't. I know it's easy to make the decision after you've already eaten the cookies, but in the context of weighing the two, the A was a detriment far outweighting the fantasy fulfillments I received. I don't regret seeing you, overall (I mean as it pertains to you and I). I just regret seeing you past a few months (as I would've left the A unscathed with nothing but good memories). Sorry to say it, but again you already know, and yes, I know you don't like it.

 

You know, we've been through a lot. We have our history. That's life, you know. Whatcha going do...

Edited April 23, 2013 by skylarblue

[18Years2Late]

Dear DW,

 

(Do you need a D to be a DW??? Anyway...)

 

Dear tDW,

 

Karma's a beeotch ain't it?...God don't like ugly....revenge is dish best served cold...on a cold frozen platter ...

 

nothing I could say here would hurt you more or make you more miserable than you already are I'm sure of it...hope the sheets are clean on that cold hard bed you lie in...you're f€£ked...

 

Toodles,

 

One Very Single, Very Happy and Always a fMOW

[ThatJustHappened]

I will do a combo to all the men who have wronged me:

Dear DW,

Since September we had sex once a week, texted everyday, sent funny emails and you were married the whole time. You made me the the other woman without my consent. I can't forgive you for that. I didn't want to date you but I liked what we had but not at the expense of your wife. I could care less what happens to you but wondering about her keeps me up at night. I wonder how many other women you have, I also wonder what will happen when I tell her and yes I am telling her. I am telling her because she deserves to know, she deserved better from me and I owe it to her. So suck it, hopes she divorces you and takes your dog. Jerk.

 

Dear Husband,

You should have told me you were gay, we could have been friends. You should have told me about the men and women. I forgave you the first time but the second time I left so now please divorce me. I want my freedom. You did break my heart but not me. You don't have that kind of power. The only thing that I am truly upset about is how difficult you are making this divorce and how I know you will make the shared custody the worst ever for the next 15 years. So suck it, hope your girlfriend gets pregnant and you repeat the same pattern over again. I also hope you get some personal insight. Jerk.

 

Holy crud! You poor thing!!!! I want to give you a giant hug right now, but would you settle for a bunny?

[Finally Settled]

Dear Other Woman,

 

When my wife found out about our affair it was the most overwhelming shock I have ever felt in my life. There is no kind way of describing this to you, so please understand my words are written to show the truth and not designed to hurt you. When I left work that morning I was sent off by the woman I had pledged to love, honor and protect. Upon returning from work that night I was met by the woman I had deceived, cheated on and deserted. All of the love I had for you when we spoke through the day went to dust as I saw her in front of me. I knew in a moment that she had found out. All of my fears played like a mad film in my mind. I saw the devastation my actions had created. I felt guilt bearing down on me. I saw our wedding day and the birth of our children. I felt guilt and fear as I had never experienced before.

 

Suddenly it was after midnight and we were both exhausted. I was torn between comforting her as she fell to sleep and stealing away to let you know what had happened. I chose to stay by her side, as I had let her down so cruelly for two years. To enhance my guilt I never had a moment pass where you weren't in my mind. My thoughts swung wildly between staying home where I was needed more than ever, and the possibility of allowing my imagination to come to life and getting to you. I have to say the sight of my actions sobbing in front of me tied me up and my place was by her side.

 

Soon a day had passed, and then another. I was very aware of my lack of communication to you, but I had made promises to my wife. I had hurt her so much that it seemed fair that I should hurt now. I'm sorry to say that in finally doing what I thought was right I ended up hurting you.

 

I wanted to stay. I wanted to go. My mind was a cacophony of thoughts and emotions and the thing that made me feel best was to take care of my wife. I needed to comfort her and I needed to keep my family intact. My greatest fears were all at my feet and I was in self preservation mode more than at any time in my life.

 

A week had passed and I finally had enough consecutive calm moments to email you, but the words didn't come. Each time I tried to lay them into some healing sequence I realized there was none. It was easier for me to convince myself you were better off without me and without my words. The guilt moved from my wife to you. I realized what an utter failure I was and how vast the hurt was that I had caused.

 

I should have sent a message. I should have let you know how much I love you and care for you. It seemed so hollow and crass to say those words and then say, but I need to stay here and make sure my family is ok. I need to figure out how I'm going to go forward. I am doubting everything about myself and my life. How hollow to say to you, I love you Darling, but I probably will stay where I am.

 

I had also made a promise to my wife. I promised her I would not contact you again, ever. I was so incredibly torn and afraid. I am a coward of the highest order and it was in those moments I realized that.

 

I am sorry. I hope one day you'll be able to forgive me and find someone who is worthy of your love. I wish I could convince myself these words will be of some comfort to you, but I know they will not.

 

x0.x0

 

Dick Wad

[DelusionalOne]

@FinallySettled

 

 

Wow. Just wow. Thank you for writing this and sharing your POV. It is very powerful.