Depression, Self Hate - How Do You Survive It

[Alone909]

I'm married with children. Involved in a long distance affair with a separated man. He's in a drawn-out divorce, and has had a live-in girlfriend for the last six months. Twenty years ago he was married, and I was single - and we had an affair for two years.

 

I was so despondent back in the day that I flung myself into a marriage and babies with the very first man who showed interest in me after the AP returned to his marriage. I was in desperate survival mode. I felt I couldn't make it and the remedy I chose was to seek solace with a man I didn't take the time to even know. I stayed with him for these last two decades, faithfully, and had children - for all the wrong, typical reasons. I struggle with depression. He struggles with anger issues. His stress manifests itself in rage or long silences. My rebound relationship is now an empty, stressful marriage. I stay for all the wrong, typical reasons.

 

I'm struggling so much now with the same despondency I felt after the first affair with this same man. Why did he call me after so long, when he was already in a rebound relationship of his own? Why am I so weak that I let myself become vulnerable to another affair with him, that has just left me feeling broken-hearted and worthless again??

 

Please give me some coping strategies so I can just get.up in the morning. And do whatI need to do for my husband and children. I hate myself for what I've done. I want to stop loving this man, stop thinking of him. That love has been a cloud over my whole life.

 

This lost feeling. Where you don't want to get up, can't imagine the rest of your life feeling like this. Crying. Trying to hide the pain. Trying to function and do everyday menial things. Having no one to discuss my terrible actions with.

How do I get through it. And accept the bed I made.

[carhill]

How do I get through it. And accept the bed I made.

 

Absent the kids, I experienced a similar circumstance a few years ago. MC helped immensely. Life is so much healthier now. You have the goal in focus: Acceptance. All you need is a roadmap to get there. For myself, a professional psychologist provided the tools. Worth a try. Good luck.

[LilGirlandOW]

wow maybe he's been thinking of you for the past two decades and has resisted the urge to reach out until he couldnt bear NC anymore and that sounds really sweet to me

[chalkfarm]

Oh my dear Alone,

 

I wish I had words of wisdom for you. I can say that time will help you. And I know that "time" isn't the answer that you want.

 

I would also seriously think about finding a therapist - an impartial person to simply hear what you have to say, someone to cry to, someone who won't judge you. Plus a therapist or counselor will have some practical tools for you. Sometimes you must ASK for the tools though.

 

When you feel a little better, think about a group therapy situation. It is less expensive and with a good leader, it too is a non-judging atmosphere where you can get even more real-life tools. AND you can "practice" on the group. Practice what you want to say to whomever you feel you need to talk with.

 

I feel that you truly need to find a person to talk to. As much as I hate to say this, I also think you need to remove yourself from the MM. I honestly know how hard that is but I think it will be better for you in the long run.

 

The depression, the self loathing, the feeling that you have wasted so much of your life, that is all natural and so very human but it hurts desperately. At times like this it is so hard to have faith in yourself but you are strong and capable. I believe that you will survive, you will heal, and you will thrive. It may take some serious time but you will get there!

 

Please, please take care of yourself.

 

I send you huge warm hugs!

[LilGirlandOW]

sorry to hear about your marraige, imo you need to seperate yourself and start anew its your time. look back will encompass the beautiful children you made insteading of continuing to look presently at a sad loveless M. that part of your story saddens me

[Turtles]

You're the poster child of how destructive affairs can be... Regardless of what you do with your marriage I hope you can find the courage to keep that man out of your life... it definitely sounds like he is toxic. Welcome to LS.

[Turtles]

wow maybe he's been thinking of you for the past two decades and has resisted the urge to reach out until he couldnt bear NC anymore and that sounds really sweet to me

 

It's a cute idea but it seems if that was the case he would have done so before shacking up with another woman.

[Pierre]

I'm married with children. Involved in a long distance affair with a separated man. He's in a drawn-out divorce, and has had a live-in girlfriend for the last six months. Twenty years ago he was married, and I was single - and we had an affair for two years.

 

I was so despondent back in the day that I flung myself into a marriage and babies with the very first man who showed interest in me after the AP returned to his marriage. I was in desperate survival mode. I felt I couldn't make it and the remedy I chose was to seek solace with a man I didn't take the time to even know. I stayed with him for these last two decades, faithfully, and had children - for all the wrong, typical reasons. I struggle with depression. He struggles with anger issues. His stress manifests itself in rage or long silences. My rebound relationship is now an empty, stressful marriage. I stay for all the wrong, typical reasons.

 

I'm struggling so much now with the same despondency I felt after the first affair with this same man. Why did he call me after so long, when he was already in a rebound relationship of his own? Why am I so weak that I let myself become vulnerable to another affair with him, that has just left me feeling broken-hearted and worthless again??

 

Please give me some coping strategies so I can just get.up in the morning. And do whatI need to do for my husband and children. I hate myself for what I've done. I want to stop loving this man, stop thinking of him. That love has been a cloud over my whole life.

 

This lost feeling. Where you don't want to get up, can't imagine the rest of your life feeling like this. Crying. Trying to hide the pain. Trying to function and do everyday menial things. Having no one to discuss my terrible actions with.

How do I get through it. And accept the bed I made.

 

I am sorry to hear your story.

 

 

In short: Trying to cure your depression and unhappiness with an affair or by marrying the first man that comes your way does not work. Having children does not cure depression or lack of intrinsic happiness. None of these men are going to cure you. Children cannot cure you. No man can make another woman happy 24/7. What you seek comes from within. You need heavy duty therapy.

 

wow maybe he's been thinking of you for the past two decades and has resisted the urge to reach out until he couldnt bear NC anymore and that sounds really sweet to me

 

How romantic!!!

Edited June 20, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[William]

As the new member thread starter logged out immediately after posting this and hasn't returned, we'll close it for now. If they return and wish further comments or to add their own, they can alert on this posting and moderation will entertain their request. Thanks.

 

Thread re-opened to thread starter update

Edited June 20, 2013 by William

[Alone909]

I would like to clarify that I am in NC with this man, and I really hope that I did not come across as romanticizing my relationship with him. I do love him, I always have - but I recognize my first mistake was to become involved with someone who was married. All my subsequent pain and poor choices are on ME.

 

With regard to therapy, I know I need it. My husband is strongly against it. For whatever reason, he attaches a stigma to it - only 'broken' people need therapists. I need to just suck it up and fake it till I make it.

 

But I am broken, and every day gets harder than the previous one.

Thank you again for your compassion, and helpful replies. I'm trying. For me the kindness of strangers is really the only help I can reach out to, right now. Thank you for being there.

Edited June 20, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merged threads

[JustAReformedGirl]

I'm married with children. Involved in a long distance affair with a separated man. He's in a drawn-out divorce, and has had a live-in girlfriend for the last six months. Twenty years ago he was married, and I was single - and we had an affair for two years.

 

I was so despondent back in the day that I flung myself into a marriage and babies with the very first man who showed interest in me after the AP returned to his marriage. I was in desperate survival mode. I felt I couldn't make it and the remedy I chose was to seek solace with a man I didn't take the time to even know. I stayed with him for these last two decades, faithfully, and had children - for all the wrong, typical reasons. I struggle with depression. He struggles with anger issues. His stress manifests itself in rage or long silences. My rebound relationship is now an empty, stressful marriage. I stay for all the wrong, typical reasons.

 

I'm struggling so much now with the same despondency I felt after the first affair with this same man. Why did he call me after so long, when he was already in a rebound relationship of his own? Why am I so weak that I let myself become vulnerable to another affair with him, that has just left me feeling broken-hearted and worthless again??

 

Please give me some coping strategies so I can just get.up in the morning. And do whatI need to do for my husband and children. I hate myself for what I've done. I want to stop loving this man, stop thinking of him. That love has been a cloud over my whole life.

 

This lost feeling. Where you don't want to get up, can't imagine the rest of your life feeling like this. Crying. Trying to hide the pain. Trying to function and do everyday menial things. Having no one to discuss my terrible actions with.

How do I get through it. And accept the bed I made.

 

Not the exact same situation as you, but I can understand the feelings. In my own situation, there were days when my AP and I argued, didn't talk, etc. We were both hurting, in our own ways. But, what with me being married, and having parental obligations, along with social ones, it's difficult.

 

I'm guessing you find yourself not wanting to see anyone, talk to anyone, nor leave the house. I'm guessing you also just want to sleep until it all goes away.

 

I know it's not easy...but if your AP and you have no future, I suggest ending it. It'll be hard, it will no doubt hurt...but right now, you're already hurting. Right now, you're on an emotional rollercoaster ride, and it's time to get off of it. It's either he makes it work with you, and stops pushing you away, only to pull you back to him, or you end it, go through the necessary grieving, and hopefully, wind up happier once the dust settles.

 

The choice is yours. I can't really tell you what to do, because I'm as lost as you are, in my own situation. Even if your husband doesn't know what's happened, make it clear you're going through a depression, and need some time to work on you. I'm sure he'll give you the time you need, to sort out your feelings. I wish you the best of luck.

[Praying4Peace]

Alone, I don't know about you but I found it exhausting to be in my 'FOG' while with H. In my situation, he knew most everything about the Affair. When I was home with him I felt more despondent because THIS was my life. We definitely had moments when we relied on each other for every day little things, normal family/kids stuff.

 

But now that I'm single I feel like I can breathe and I have hope and I don't have to lie anymore. The thought of lying forever to my H was suffocating.

 

I still get depressed but I can imagine that things might get better one day. It's freeing for me to focus on my kids and my job and things I enjoy. People here used to talk about finding happiness in yourself and I didn't think it was possible. It is, but it takes a while to get there bc society says if you are single there's something wrong with you, if you are divorced then you failed.

 

Concentrate on your H. Why does he not want MC? If he thinks its for broken people, tell him you are broken. Or tell him about the affair.

[Pierre]

I would like to clarify that I am in NC with this man, and I really hope that I did not come across as romanticizing my relationship with him. I do love him, I always have - but I recognize my first mistake was to become involved with someone who was married. All my subsequent pain and poor choices are on ME.

 

With regard to therapy, I know I need it. My husband is strongly against it. For whatever reason, he attaches a stigma to it - only 'broken' people need therapists. I need to just suck it up and fake it till I make it.

 

But I am broken, and every day gets harder than the previous one.

Thank you again for your compassion, and helpful replies. I'm trying. For me the kindness of strangers is really the only help I can reach out to, right now. Thank you for being there.

 

I feel sorry for your sadness.

 

Do you have a primary care physician? Perhaps you could ask him to prescribe you antidepressants. You could do that without IC.

[whichwayisup]

I would like to clarify that I am in NC with this man, and I really hope that I did not come across as romanticizing my relationship with him. I do love him, I always have - but I recognize my first mistake was to become involved with someone who was married. All my subsequent pain and poor choices are on ME.

You need to let yourself grieve, but also somehow pick yourself up and smile, even laugh daily. Being miserable 24/7 is going to make it all worse. I hope you have a good woman friend you can talk to and go to for support.

With regard to therapy, I know I need it. My husband is strongly against it. For whatever reason, he attaches a stigma to it - only 'broken' people need therapists. I need to just suck it up and fake it till I make it.

 

Do therapy on your own. You need some help, and that's okay. Don't let your husband's view on counseling make you not go. Don't just suck it up and fake it, that doesn't fix what's wrong. You need to also get help to decide if you want to still be married. Not sure if you love your husband like a wife should..Meaning, if he makes you miserable (and this has nothing to do with your exMM), life is short! Don't stay in a marriage out of obligation if you don't love him and aren't happy at all.

 

But I am broken, and every day gets harder than the previous one.

Thank you again for your compassion, and helpful replies. I'm trying. For me the kindness of strangers is really the only help I can reach out to, right now. Thank you for being there.

 

I do hope in time you consider doing therapy. Everybody needs it at some point in their life!

 

Keep posting and sharing how you feel. Hope you feel better soon.

 

Oh and as for your exMM, do stay in NC mode and forgive yourself for past mistakes.