Affair with Friends husband

[rae_lana]

This is such a long story.

 

I should first say I am not like the average person.. I don't think I have a personality disorder but I have always wondered because something is different about me. I do have a conscience and I do feel guilt, but most of the time, when I choose to do something or not, its based on what I think the rest of the world would consider right or wrong.. If I think I can do it and hide it.. I will. Almost always have.

On top of that. I am hyper sexual and have had consistent sexual thoughts several times an hour since I was about 10 years old. I had never met any other person who matched me here, especially other females so I completely hid that side.. people know I am very sexual but NOBODY knows how much... until this MM.

 

 

I am not asking for approval, just insight and would love to talk to anyone going through a similar situation.

 

I have been with my husband for close to 10 years. I was far from a virgin when we met, as teenagers, but he was my first love and I was his. However looking back I now know he was the first person to ever really take real care of me, a great friend.. we should have just stayed friends. We have always had a fantastic sex life.. physically. I thought what we had was great.. but the last few years especially I felt like there was a huge void missing.. attraction.. sexual attraction.. I have lost it completely with my husband. I've always had small crushes on other men over the years but would never in a million years consider cheating. He is highly attracted to me physically.. always tells me so.. which should make me feel amazing, but it doesn't. We fight really hard.. screaming yelling fights, and they are normally started because my personality is kind of all over the place and I feel that he's annoyed by me most of the time.

 

Being attracted to me is not enough. I want him to love who I really am. I always feel like I have to hide what I'm really thinking because he is so judgmental of my personality.

 

At the same time, he's a good friend, a great provider and we make ok partners.

 

Cut to about 5 years into our relationship and we met another couple who we almost immediately clicked with. I don't connect well with people so it was great to find them. We are all so so close .. as in hanging out daily.. we do everything together.

 

It became very clear very early on, that me and her husband were very very much alike. More so than either of us have ever been to anyone we had met before, she pointed it out all the time, and so did mutual friends.

 

I have never betrayed a friend before.. ever. But a small crush started to grow for this man, because he so easily accepted and loved exactly who I was. (and I am sexually drawn to him more than I thought was possible to anyone)

 

I didn't for a second think he felt the same way so I was just letting myself fantasize and carry on.. but a couple years into out friendship she found out he had cheated on her.. when she found out, the one night stand he had was already over a year in the past. I helped her through it and they stayed together.

 

Instead of thinking he was a terrible person however.. like I normally think when I find out someone has betrayed a friend like that.. my crush blew up! And in my mind I was telling myself this meant maybe one day.. maybe one day... we could have an affair too.

 

WHAT!!? crazy right. I know.

 

Almost a year past and I still did nothing.. just enjoyed the sexual tension and then she started telling me that she thought he had a crush on me.. this made my crush grow more.. I was almost starting to obsess. We all became closer and closer and closer.. and then I am not sure where it started but he started reaching out trying to find ways to talk to me privately.. texting me.. I enjoyed the attention but never acted on it and kept it innocent even when he was making sexual comments.

 

I was so shocked when he came out and told me one night that he had wanted me from the moment we met.. it had been years.. he started telling me he was almost obsessed, that he thought about it all the time.. everything he was telling me was exactly what I had been feeling the last few years.. and instead of saying we needed to cut it off right there.. we agreed to start deleting our messages to each other and start a physical relationship.. and we did.

 

Its been about 10 months. We were both very clear in the beginning (Well I was because I thought it would be easier, and that its what he'd want to hear) that sex is not the same as love and we would not fall in love. It was just sex.

 

CLEARLY its not just sex though right? I mean we are all best friends.. if it was just sex would he want to be around me all the time?

 

At very first when this started, it almost helped our marriages.. his wife has a very very low sex drive, and me and him are matched in sex drive and turn ons for sure.. my husband and my sex life has only gotten better.. but I think of MM. And I was feeling accepted for who I really was by him so didn't feel the need for it as much at home, like I had been craving for so long.

 

But lately.. its been clear that we are both conflicted. His wife has told me he's grumpy at home and being mean to her a lot.. and its always during our down times.. when me and him are not talking.. I am wondering if he's missing me, or feeling guilty.. he says he's fine. He does not seem to feel guilty. I am always scared to talk to him in depth about it because we don't get a lot of privacy to do that and we are trying to keep it light with no 'feelings' but I am thinking its becoming very clear that we are both falling hard for each other..

 

There is no possible way we could ever be together in a real relationship..

 

It would be a complete bomb to out entire hometown. We have all mutual friends, we are all incredibly close.

 

I have somehow compartmentalized this situation. I can be with her and let her complain and talk and help her day to day.. I would hurt anyone who hurt her, I would protect her with everything I have. But I am in love with her husband. My husband and him are friends. This is insane.

 

And he wants it to last forever. He told me he never wants to stop. I don't either.. but I don't know that my brain can keep from going crazy.

 

I think about him constantly. I want him to be happy.. when I think he's not I am physically in pain.

 

People are going to say I am not really her friend and I do not really love my husband. But I do. Ideally.. I wish all four of us could be together and in love and make a beautiful life together.. but that is very very impossible and not something my husband would ever consider. (They are not attracted to one another at all)

 

I should also say, my husband and his wife have no idea this is happening at all. His wife knows he likes me, she says she can hear it in his voice and how he talks about me, and she has even told me that he would cheat on her with me if I would but she trusts me 100 percent. He is a serial cheater.. she only knows about the one time, but I know about several times.. all one night stands (he tells me about them, and it doesn't change my opinion of him??!) He's never had an emotional affair before, only physical, and we intended for this to only be physical but I would like to know.. what do you think.. this is emotional too right? it must be because of how close we are. In the beginning we talked day and night.. all day long.. all night long (by text) but that's slowed down a lot because neither of us could focus on day to day life doing that..

 

This is not who I am. But its who I have become..

[GorillaTheater]

You're in for a rough time here, not undeservedly in my opinion. Are you prepared for that?

 

In the end, the advice will center around choosing one man over the other and being honest with everybody. This thread can go for on for hundreds of posts, but reagrdless that's what it's going to boil down to.

[rae_lana]

Long story short, my husband and another couple are extremely close and me and her husband are having a secret affair that was supposed to just be physical but its clearly becoming much more.

 

I am not a troll. I saw another woman with a very similar story being accused of making it up. I am not making it up at all, this is all very very real for me.

 

I am confused how people start affairs with strangers or just cheat to cheat.. So I know I will be attacked and called names for this.. but to me, this is about a lot more than sex.

[pteromom]

Wow. What a clusterf***.

 

I don't even know how to respond to this.

 

I am really sad for your friend and your husband. You do know that one day, something is going to happen that is going to give you away. Someone will walk in when they aren't supposed to be home. Someone will see your car somewhere it isn't supposed to be. Someone will intercept a text message or phone call or email they were never meant to see.

 

Then what? Your whole life is going to blow up. Your husband will hate you. Your friend will hate you. Your town will hate you.

 

You don't mention whether you have children... do you?

 

You need to make a decision and take control of the situation. Either stop seeing OM and reinvest in your marriage. Or divorce and be with OM. Right now, I fear you are walking through a minefield and have been lucky so far.

 

BTW, I get what you are saying about your husband and how you want to be accepted and loved for who you are instead of criticized. I understand the feelings that have led to where you are. But you are gambling with your entire life here.

[rae_lana]

You're in for a rough time here, not undeservedly in my opinion. Are you prepared for that?

 

In the end, the advice will center around choosing one man over the other and being honest with everybody. This thread can go for on for hundreds of posts, but reagrdless that's what it's going to boil down to.

 

 

I understand that for sure.. thank you so much for taking the time to contribute. I think this will help me from going crazy. I need to hear what others think. Even the judgment, I am ok with it.

 

I understand this is a terrible thing. I am not asking for approval. I don't know what I am asking for.

 

I want someone to tell me who I am.

 

Also.. I will never ever admit this out loud. Ever. I will never come clean about this to my husband and friend. Even if I wanted to. I don't think I could make myself. We have both agreed that whatever happens, it goes to the grave.

[pteromom]

I want someone to tell me who I am.

 

You are a woman who wants to be loved, who is letting your heart lead you while leaving your head behind completely.

 

But ultimately it is up to you to decide who you want to be. You have to make sure your actions back that up.

[rae_lana]

Gambling with all our lives. I know we are. I really appreciate what you are saying.

 

So if logically I can tell myself that, and have told myself that from the very start, and this is so completely out of character for me, why won't I stop?

 

Before this guy, I had a million terrible wants and thoughts over the years but never acted on them and never would have. Why this time I did I do not know, something about him is different.

[HopingAgain]

You are betraying the 2 people in the world who you are supposed to be closest to, and who love you the most. It does not "just happen", it sounds like you have some serious intimacy problems. Have you talked to a counselor about any of this?

Edited July 15, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[rae_lana]

''You are betraying the 2 people in the world who you are supposed to be closest to, and who love you the most. It does not "just happen", it sounds like you have some serious intimacy problems. Have you talked to a counselor about any of this? ''

 

Not recently I have not. I have over the years. But not about this situation. Do I really have no conscience? Because I do feel guilt, but its as if in this situation I have separated what we are doing. I do not feel guilt like I think I should feel it.

 

I want to know if I'm a sociopath or what the **** is going on.

[pteromom]

this is so completely out of character for me, why won't I stop?

 

Because it feels wonderful. It feels wonderful physically, emotionally, sexually. It is dizzying and exciting. It's an escape. You see in him everything that you wish you had in your marriage and he "gets" you and you feel like YOU when you are with him. Of course stopping is hard.

 

Which is why I said you have let your heart lead you but left your head behind.

 

Your choice is based purely on heart, even though logically you know you are being stupid and that what you are doing would CRUSH your friend and your husband.

 

Why this time I did I do not know, something about him is different.

 

It's not about him. It's about the way you feel when you are with him. It's about you.

 

Look at it logically for a moment - you know he is a serial cheater. He's having an affair with his best friend's wife. He's mean and grumpy to his wife. Is that someone you really would want to have an exclusive relationship with? No matter how much he "gets" you, it doesn't mean much if he would be running off to screw other women.

 

So it's not about him at all. The reason you don't feel differently toward him knowing all the horrible things he has done is because you aren't looking at him. You are looking at your own reflection in his eyes, and you really really like the way you look there.

[rae_lana]

Because it feels wonderful. It feels wonderful physically, emotionally, sexually. It is dizzying and exciting. It's an escape. You see in him everything that you wish you had in your marriage and he "gets" you and you feel like YOU when you are with him. Of course stopping is hard.

 

Which is why I said you have let your heart lead you but left your head behind.

 

Your choice is based purely on heart, even though logically you know you are being stupid and that what you are doing would CRUSH your friend and your husband.

 

 

 

It's not about him. It's about the way you feel when you are with him. It's about you.

 

Look at it logically for a moment - you know he is a serial cheater. He's having an affair with his best friend's wife. He's mean and grumpy to his wife. Is that someone you really would want to have an exclusive relationship with? No matter how much he "gets" you, it doesn't mean much if he would be running off to screw other women.

 

So it's not about him at all. The reason you don't feel differently toward him knowing all the horrible things he has done is because you aren't looking at him. You are looking at your own reflection in his eyes, and you really really like the way you look there.

 

 

I have posted other places before, but you are the first person who has said things so clearly. I don't know what to do now. I wish I could go back in time and just tell him the first time he told me he felt this way.. I wish I could tell him I didn't feel the same. Even though I did.

[HopingAgain]

''You are betraying the 2 people in the world who you are supposed to be closest to, and who love you the most. It does not "just happen", it sounds like you have some serious intimacy problems. Have you talked to a counselor about any of this? ''

 

Not recently I have not. I have over the years. But not about this situation. Do I really have no conscience? Because I do feel guilt, but its as if in this situation I have separated what we are doing. I do not feel guilt like I think I should feel it.

 

I want to know if I'm a sociopath or what the **** is going on.

 

I'm not gonna say you're a sociopath, but you are on a very, very bad road. to be able to spend time with your MM and his WIFE, as friends, to be able to hear your supposed best friend confide in you that her marriage is in trouble, and still be able to look her in the face, let alone sleep with her husband. And to know that he has cheated on her repeatedly, not just with you, but with others...and keep all of this from her? I'm just gonna clear the misconception for you right now...you are NO friend. You don't know what real friendship is, because it is not capable of this level of deceit. And I'm not even gonna get started on the dynamic with your poor husband!

 

Long story short, you are ensuring that your husband and your friend are never going to fully trust another person in life ever again once they find out. You have no idea the pain and devastation of being betrayed by 2 loved ones at once can bring. So to sum it all up...yeah, it's pretty certain that your conscience is not functioning as it should, assuming it's really there at all.

[rae_lana]

I'm not gonna say you're a sociopath, but you are on a very, very bad road. to be able to spend time with your MM and his WIFE, as friends, to be able to hear your supposed best friend confide in you that her marriage is in trouble, and still be able to look her in the face, let alone sleep with her husband. And to know that he has cheated on her repeatedly, not just with you, but with others...and keep all of this from her? I'm just gonna clear the misconception for you right now...you are NO friend. You don't know what real friendship is, because it is not capable of this level of deceit. And I'm not even gonna get started on the dynamic with your poor husband!

 

Long story short, you are ensuring that your husband and your friend are never going to fully trust another person in life ever again once they find out. You have no idea the pain and devastation of being betrayed by 2 loved ones at once can bring. So to sum it all up...yeah, it's pretty certain that your conscience is not functioning as it should, assuming it's really there at all.

 

 

I know this doesn't make a huge difference but before me and him started, I did try and talk to her several times about the rumours of him cheating. At the time I only knew they were rumours not that they were true and she completely turned a blind eye to them. They have an almost sexless marriage and I am trying to encourage her to work on that. I do not want to steal him, I just want all four of us to be happy. That what I really want, and I know that I am going about it in a ****ed up way.. I thought in the beginning this could somehow be a bandaid for what was lacking in our marriages and it just kept growing, and now its the wound.

[secretlady76]

As a living breathing example of someone who has done exactly what you're doing and has experienced the **** hitting the fan I suspect you probably won't feel that guilty when it all does come crashing down anyway. It is simply in your nature not to feel remorse for your actions, however much people are telling you to. You can go to every counsellor going and still feel exactly the same.

 

However, what I will tell you though is that the pain and trauma you and everyone affected by this will feel is more than you can ever imagine. Oh, and by the way, pretty much the whole town will get involved and guess who they will be pointing the finger at. Nope, not MM, it'll be you. And don't for one minute think he'll be there to hold your hand, nope, he'll be back at home trying to sort his s*** out and blaming you as well. And as the OW you won't be entitled to feel any hurt or upset over this. Oh no, you're not allowed to. Instead you can look forward to MMs wife laying into you and then slagging you off to everyone who is listening (and everyone who isn't).

 

...... And your husband will pretty much hate your guts and if you have children they will get sucked into it too. It's such a lovely situation to be in. I've loved every minute of it (not). And it goes on and on and on. Days/weeks/months/years pass and they will STILL be talking about you and looking at you and slagging you off. So you may as well book your counselling session and get your prescription of ADs now, because trust me, you will need them.

 

And remember; It's not if you get caught it's when.

[rae_lana]

Everyone always says its not if you get caught.. its when.

 

But I have no doubt people have been able to keep affairs secret forever. No?

[pteromom]

I wish I could go back in time and just tell him the first time he told me he felt this way.. I wish I could tell him I didn't feel the same. Even though I did.

 

You can still make that choice, if that is what you feel is the right thing to do. You can tell him today that you just don't think it is worth the risk, and you want to stop.

 

It would be really hard. Especially since you see him all the time.

 

But you COULD do it. If you wanted to.

 

You could even reprogram yourself to kill off your feelings for him. It would take work and energy and time, but you could do it.

 

You can't stay where you are, at any rate. It is only a matter of time until you step on a mine. You gotta get out of that minefield, one way or another.

[pteromom]

Everyone always says its not if you get caught.. its when.

 

But I have no doubt people have been able to keep affairs secret forever. No?

 

Sure. Some people are able to tiptoe through the minefield and get lucky and never get caught. But the thing about that is - you can NEVER be diligent enough to be in full control of it. All it takes is your husband, his wife, or an uninvolved third party who knows one of them to be at the wrong place at the wrong time, and BOOM. There goes your life.

[rae_lana]

I feel like an addict with a drug.

[GorillaTheater]

I feel like an addict with a drug.

 

In a real and practical sense, you very much are. Some people can kick meth, and others are destroyed by it. Pick one.

[rae_lana]

I have very similar issues with my sex drive and my M. My husband and I have great sex but it's infrequent and he seems to not really like the real me. Seems annoyed most of the time. This will make you fall out of love with someone for sure. Acceptance is a key ingredient to love. Do you accept your H? That's another thing to think about. I don't accept my H as he is, either. So I had an A. But I had a DDay. And that changed everything.

 

Right now things are just peachy because the romance is at its peak and all of the feelings around you are cozy and warm,..no one is hurting, people are being friendly to you, your life is not restricted much by what's going on. I too had those "we can be Sisterwives!!!" fantasies.

 

However. Most of those warm and fuzzies...the life you get to lead, in your nice community that would go ape **** if they knew---all that good stuff is happening ONLY BECAUSE OF THE OMISSION/THE LIE that you guys are "just friends." You are enjoying your carte blanche at the moment on the bank account of their TRUST in both of you. Your H and his W canNOT even CONCEIVE of you guys even GOING THERE. There are little suspicions, which the W stuffs down in a good sport kind of way, and says he has a crush on you. Ha ha hee hee. Everyone is tickled by that good humored approach.

 

However. HOWEVER. When the W discovers that she stuffed down her suspicions and has been playing good sport (aka being FORCED into the doormat position) while the two of you have been pulling the wool over her eyes, she is no longer going to think it's cute. She is going to be DEVASTATED and she is going to hurt you and your AP ANY WAY SHE CAN before she takes the time to heal. And trust me...she can DESTROY you. You would be powerless to retaliate, too, and would probably not even be able to get back what you lost, while she would.

 

Let me ask you to imagine something. Imagine your H met a woman who was JUST like you only slightly sexier, the kind of girl that the woman who is rarely intimidated, is intimidated by...let's say she took a shine to your H, saw something in him, he is totally her type, she fills him with compliments, laughs at all his jokes, they hang on each and others' every word......and let's say she was more solid than you in all the ways that he is annoyed by you.

 

Let's say you witnessed, in his eyes, a glimmer of genuine lust. Not just as in: they could mechanically have great sex together, but that he DESIRES her more than ANY OTHER WOMAN IN THE WORLD. His whole spirit is revived and he seems like a new man. You are instantly yesterday's news, even though he'd still gladly come home and kick off his shoes to sprawl on your couch with you and ask you for a sammich. What if you saw that their chemistry is UNSTOPPABLE and there's NOTHING you can do to fix it? They would crawl a mile through broken glass just to **** on the bed you made that morning before you got dressed for work. How would you feel? Just meditate on that for a few minutes...

 

I can't believe you could know exactly what's happening so well.

 

I was imagining your scenario.. And because I've always been interested in open relationships (and my husband is not) and vice versa with the other couples arrangement.. When I pictured my husband falling for somebody else it wasn't affecting me like I thought it should.. Because I love him and I know that people can love more than one person at a time. And I know without a doubt my husband is attracted to me and loves me, i just dont feel accepted for who I am by him.. I do feel jealousy about other people but when love is concerned I feel like that's different somehow I think I would be okay in time coming to terms with somebody else loving my husband, And him being in love with another woman..

 

But as I was thinking about it.. I suddenly realized everything you were describing me to imagine, Is what my friend is really going through she's going through because of me.

[rae_lana]

What I'm saying I realize is.. Even if I would be okay with it if the situation was reversed, I really do feel pain thinking about how much pain she and him would be in.. I do not want to hurt them.

[rae_lana]

Even if you don't get caught...using the addict with a drug analogy...even if you feel no guilt, not a "bad person" just " sick" ...how long do you think your self-esteem can go on feeling good if you know youre hiding an adiction. Most addicts have to come clean to the world or their lives spiral out of control. (I don't advocate disclosing the A, btw, I'm in the minority here...)

 

How will it feel, months down the road, that none of your relationships are very deep ? You can't have depth in your M without honesty, so it will stay surfacy and business like. It will grow more cold, you will feel more " misunderstood". Now you will be hiding the real "you" all the time. The "you" that is in love. You'll be trying to better hide your loopiness/your hedonistic side/your boundarilessness. You will be acting ALL THE TIME, You will feel like some phony soap character in your own life and that will get very lonely. Sexual people are very much in touch with their bodies. They live life with gusto and shoot from the hip. They like raw, honest, primitive authenticity. The A will make you careful and you'll feel like a phony. That's no way to live.

 

This all rings very very true to me.

 

He keeps telling me instead of feeling guilty he thinks its really fun.

I feel fake for sure now, I feel like I'm acting. But I've always felt that way.. Since I was about 10 years old. Not one single person in my life knows everything that has happened in my life , everyone has different pieces

[pteromom]

He keeps telling me instead of feeling guilty he thinks its really fun.

 

Hmmm. I think you are looking in the wrong place for a sociopath. This actually gives me chills (bad chills).

 

I feel fake for sure now, I feel like I'm acting. But I've always felt that way.. Since I was about 10 years old. Not one single person in my life knows everything that has happened in my life , everyone has different pieces

 

Why is this? What do you think would happen if you showed the world the real you? What would happen if you just dropped the mask and decided to be yourself and not be influenced by the judgments of others?

[Journee]

Everyone always says its not if you get caught.. its when.

 

But I have no doubt people have been able to keep affairs secret forever. No?

 

 

I don't think you really want to play the odds here. You are very close to the BW ...too close. You are right up under the noses of your spouse and the "friend" that you are betraying. I wouldn't be so sure that taking this to the grave is in your control. As a PP mentioned all it takes is a text to be intercepted and BAM! Lots of cheaters think they are very slick and will never get caught. They wouldn't even know how to deal with the aftermath because they are arrogant enough to believe themselves bullet proof. They get lazy and comfortable and that can lead to discovery. Then what?

 

Some situations you cannot deny. Then all the pieces will start to come together for the betrayed spouses. Your MM might even throw you under the bus to save his skin with your friend and his wife. It's all very messy and it very painful.

 

You are setting yourself up for an atomic bomb to go off in your life by thinking you will not get caught and a man's loyalty (a man who shows no loyalty) will be with you to hide. NO honor amongst thieves.

 

Good luck. It sounds as thought you will need it.

[SammySammy]

I don't think you really want to play the odds here. You are very close to the BW ...too close. You are right up under the noses of your spouse and the "friend" that you are betraying. I wouldn't be so sure that taking this to the grave is in your control. As a PP mentioned all it takes is a text to be intercepted and BAM! Lots of cheaters think they are very slick and will never get caught. They wouldn't even know how to deal with the aftermath because they are arrogant enough to believe themselves bullet proof. They get lazy and comfortable and that can lead to discovery. Then what?

 

Some situations you cannot deny. Then all the pieces will start to come together for the betrayed spouses. Your MM might even throw you under the bus to save his skin with your friend and his wife. It's all very messy and it very painful.

 

You are setting yourself up for an atomic bomb to go off in your life by thinking you will not get caught and a man's loyalty (a man who shows no loyalty) will be with you to hide. NO honor amongst thieves.

 

Good luck. It sounds as thought you will need it.

 

Agreed.

 

The people involved are entirely too close. Multiple betrayals. Multiple butts to cover. The whole situation is too messy.

 

When this thing blows up, it's going to be disastrous.