Crazy_Love Posted August 5, 2013 Share Posted August 5, 2013 I'm getting ready to end my two year relationship with a MM. I love him and don't want to hurt him but my question is, should I tell his wife? In the six years they've been married, he hasn't been at all faithful, before me there were numerous others and there will be after. I worry about her physical safety, as I know for sure he doesn't use protection. Her impression of the man she married is vastly different from reality. She and I became friends during the A and she is a good person who doesn't deserve any of this. Do I have a right to shake up their marriage though? If it was a one time thing I wouldn't even bother asking but he's a serial cheater. Help! Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted August 5, 2013 Share Posted August 5, 2013 Yes, yes and YES! Oh meant to add... especially for her health! 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crazy_Love Posted August 5, 2013 Author Share Posted August 5, 2013 I love honesty, brutal honesty. Just be prepared when you're blowing up her world, yours will follow. How so? I've nothing to lose from this, my marriage is over and has been. Unless I'm not thinking of something? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crazy_Love Posted August 5, 2013 Author Share Posted August 5, 2013 I thought (forgive me, if mistaken) on your other thread you wanted to maintain the status quo in your marriage, keep the family intact for your boys. Do you really think there will be no push back when you tell her all of this? I'd suggest telling your husband first, then her. No, you are correct, I've wanted to maintain my marriage for the sake of the kids but I've always known that it was possible for H to find out. I'm prepared. I'm financially independent, emotionally independent and other kids have survived divorce, mine would too. But you are probably right about telling my H first. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crazy_Love Posted August 5, 2013 Author Share Posted August 5, 2013 Definitely. It sucks, it will suck and be hell for her, it will definitely suck to be him and will truly suck to be you however this is one of those situations where I feel she really needs to know. Having knowledge of her husband's risky sexual practices would be enough for me to tell and telling isn't always something I'd advise. Yes, he has been with men and women and has not once used protection. I demanded proof of std screening from him but it's only a matter of time before he contracts something and passes it on. Link to post Share on other sites
KAOJ Posted August 5, 2013 Share Posted August 5, 2013 She and I became friends during the A and she is a good person who doesn't deserve any of this. Do I have a right to shake up their marriage though? If it was a one time thing I wouldn't even bother asking but he's a serial cheater. Help! sorry to say....you don't sound like a "friend" at all. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 I'm getting ready to end my two year relationship with a MM. I love him and don't want to hurt him but my question is, should I tell his wife? In the six years they've been married, he hasn't been at all faithful, before me there were numerous others and there will be after. I worry about her physical safety, as I know for sure he doesn't use protection. Her impression of the man she married is vastly different from reality. She and I became friends during the A and she is a good person who doesn't deserve any of this. Do I have a right to shake up their marriage though? If it was a one time thing I wouldn't even bother asking but he's a serial cheater. Help! Yes. Definitely yes. I have a close friend who was in a long term relationship with a serial cheater. She broke up with him when she discovered his cheating, but it was too late. That b*****d gave her HIV. Her life will never be the same. She has been living with this for over a decade now, she is doing okay, but he basically gave her a death sentence. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crazy_Love Posted August 6, 2013 Author Share Posted August 6, 2013 Well, ewww... I hope you'll get yourself tested too, for EVERYTHING. So, even knowing he will screw just about anyone (male or female) you had unprotected sex with him? Yes, please tell the BS. Her life may depend on it. No, I'm not that stupid though if I'd let him, he would have. I have a close family member with HIV so I'm very aware of these things but yes, I'm getting tested but I'm not sleeping with anyone else so it's only myself to worry about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crazy_Love Posted August 6, 2013 Author Share Posted August 6, 2013 I plan to do it the end of this week. I want to make sure I have all my ducks in order. I am going to get my belongings from OMs house, including my key. Then I'm going to make sure financially everything is set at home. Then I will start burning bridges. I'm tired of being used by everyone and don't plan on another relationship any time soon. I'll keep everyone updated and thanks for the advice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 (edited) not that it matters, but why exactly are you doing this? i mean, why now? is it because the affair is over and you have no further use for him, or do you genuinely feel his wife has a right know..... after the 2 year affair and countless men/women before you? add to that, the fact that you befriended this woman while f#cking her husband. gotta give it to you, though. it takes guts to do what you did, as well as what you're about to do. Edited August 6, 2013 by Artie Lang 5 Link to post Share on other sites
rae_lana Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 I plan to do it the end of this week. I want to make sure I have all my ducks in order. I am going to get my belongings from OMs house, including my key. Then I'm going to make sure financially everything is set at home. Then I will start burning bridges. I'm tired of being used by everyone and don't plan on another relationship any time soon. I'll keep everyone updated and thanks for the advice. I feel terribly sorry for the OM in this situation as well .. In sure you are feeling used but you are completely throwing him under the bus. I'm not saying his wife doesn't have a right to know! .. It's just odd because in another thread when I mentioned talking to OM's wife everyone told me that was horrible and awful of me to consider but here people say do it! Link to post Share on other sites
rae_lana Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 Well, ewww... I hope you'll get yourself tested too, for EVERYTHING. So, even knowing he will screw just about anyone (male or female) you had unprotected sex with him? Yes, please tell the BS. Her life may depend on it. If he's bi sexual that's Ew? Or the no protection? Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 I feel terribly sorry for the OM in this situation as well .. In sure you are feeling used but you are completely throwing him under the bus. I'm not saying his wife doesn't have a right to know! .. It's just odd because in another thread when I mentioned talking to OM's wife everyone told me that was horrible and awful of me to consider but here people say do it! Perhaps you should re-read your thread; not everyone told you not to come clean. OP, I don't know your story but the standard good advice is to tell your H, tell the OMs wife, and don't give the MM a heads-up (he'll just preempt and undermine your disclosure). If you have remorse over your role in her betrayal, give a brief apology and offer to honestly answer questions. Avoid lengthy "explanations" as they just come off as justification. Honesty allows everyone to move forward with the ability to make informed decisions. Without knowing the truth, it's nearly impossible for people to come to grips with it and find any sort of closure. You have the ability to make that happen, even though few involved may thank you for it. This is all beside the fact that she's at such risk for STDs. That one stands on its own. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 A thousand times, yes! Inform his wife, because as others have stated (and since you clarified he's had unprotected sex with pretty much every AP he's had) her life could very well be on the line. I also agree with those who have said don't give MM a heads' up. If you do, he'll turn this around on you, making himself out to be some sort of victim to his wife, while portraying you as a succubus. I don't know if she'd actually believe him, but you can't afford to take that chance. So, inform her, and...well, you're husband is going to find out, one way or another, so it's best if he hears it from you. This is not going to be pretty...but I wish you the best of luck. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crazy_Love Posted August 6, 2013 Author Share Posted August 6, 2013 I feel terribly sorry for the OM in this situation as well .. In sure you are feeling used but you are completely throwing him under the bus. I'm not saying his wife doesn't have a right to know! .. It's just odd because in another thread when I mentioned talking to OM's wife everyone told me that was horrible and awful of me to consider but here people say do it! I don't want to throw him under the bus, and like I said earlier, if this was a one time affair, I would exit quietly and say nothing. But I know he slept with numerous other men and women during the entire time they've been married, without using protection. I feel bad for her because it will only continue. If her health wasn't at risk, I don't think I'd say anything but she needs to know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 I'm getting ready to end my two year relationship with a MM. I love him and don't want to hurt him but my question is, should I tell his wife? In the six years they've been married, he hasn't been at all faithful, before me there were numerous others and there will be after. I worry about her physical safety, as I know for sure he doesn't use protection. Her impression of the man she married is vastly different from reality. She and I became friends during the A and she is a good person who doesn't deserve any of this. Do I have a right to shake up their marriage though? If it was a one time thing I wouldn't even bother asking but he's a serial cheater. Help! If you choose to tell, own your part in your choice to have an affair with him and then befriend her. Apologize to her and be honest, answer all that she needs to know. Just know that she is going to feel like you used her to get closer to her husband by befriending her while having an A with her husband, so expect anger and pain towards you. To her it's going to feel more of a betrayal because of your so-called friendship with her and she's going to think it was all fake. (which is now over, that friendship is gone) All best to you and I wish you strength to get through this. There is going to be a lot of drama coming your way so do be accountable for your choices and actions, don't put all the blame on him. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crazy_Love Posted August 6, 2013 Author Share Posted August 6, 2013 If you choose to tell, own your part in your choice to have an affair with him and then befriend her. Apologize to her and be honest, answer all that she needs to know. Just know that she is going to feel like you used her to get closer to her husband by befriending her while having an A with her husband, so expect anger and pain towards you. To her it's going to feel more of a betrayal because of your so-called friendship with her and she's going to think it was all fake. (which is now over, that friendship is gone) All best to you and I wish you strength to get through this. There is going to be a lot of drama coming your way so do be accountable for your choices and actions, don't put all the blame on him. Agreed. I will own up to my part in this. Link to post Share on other sites
rae_lana Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 Perhaps you should re-read your thread; not everyone told you not to come clean. OP, I don't know your story but the standard good advice is to tell your H, tell the OMs wife, and don't give the MM a heads-up (he'll just preempt and undermine your disclosure). If you have remorse over your role in her betrayal, give a brief apology and offer to honestly answer questions. Avoid lengthy "explanations" as they just come off as justification. Honesty allows everyone to move forward with the ability to make informed decisions. Without knowing the truth, it's nearly impossible for people to come to grips with it and find any sort of closure. You have the ability to make that happen, even though few involved may thank you for it. This is all beside the fact that she's at such risk for STDs. That one stands on its own. You are right, I think two people on that thread advised against confession.. You may have been one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
rae_lana Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 Pretty sure I (and others) didn't tell you that. I should not have said everyone, I think two people advised against it, I apologies. I'm not against telling the wife nessisarily I just wondered what the huge different was here. My situations similar. He refused protection and is bi sexual. Which is a huge reason I've only had sex with him once and I made him use protection.. Something he hasn't done in years. Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 not that it matters, but why exactly are you doing this? i mean, why now? is it because the affair is over and you have no further use for him, or do you genuinely feel his wife has a right know..... after the 2 year affair and countless men/women before you? add to that, the fact that you befriended this woman while f#cking her husband. gotta give it to you, though. it takes guts to do what you did, as well as what you're about to do. I believe the bs has a right to know but only if she wants to know. Our bs in our little love triangle has chosen not to want to know the details. As long as her ws comes home at night like a whoring Tom cat then I guess that's all that matters. Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 I'm not against telling the wife nessisarily I just wondered what the huge different was here. My situations similar. Since this is a bit off topic to this thread, I posted my reply to yours. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/407735-affair-friends-husband-25.html#post5111202 1 Link to post Share on other sites
So happy together Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 I have always been one that says lines should not be blurred. That telling can't possibly help. Except in situations like this. If she has children especially. If he is putting her at risk, that is an issue. And no protection. Gag. He really must hate himself to not want to take care of himself. Tell. Tell now. Tell yesterday. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
starlet86 Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 I have been involved with someone who has a long term partner, but I am also told that I am the only person he has cheated with, both by him and his friends (who are all routing for us to get it together). We are no longer seeing each other as he has decided he needs to work at his relationship before just walking away as there is a child involved. I am not telling his partner for the simple reason, I have no proof there is more than me, we used protection and it will look like I am doing it now because he "chose" her over me. If I were in your situation though I would tell. I would be outside her window screaming it in all honesty. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 I'm getting ready to end my two year relationship with a MM. I love him and don't want to hurt him but my question is, should I tell his wife? In the six years they've been married, he hasn't been at all faithful, before me there were numerous others and there will be after. I worry about her physical safety, as I know for sure he doesn't use protection. Her impression of the man she married is vastly different from reality. She and I became friends during the A and she is a good person who doesn't deserve any of this. Do I have a right to shake up their marriage though? If it was a one time thing I wouldn't even bother asking but he's a serial cheater. Help! In this case: YUP! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 6, 2013 Share Posted August 6, 2013 Please tell this woman and provide her with enough proof so there is no possible way he can talk his way out of it. If you have any way to prove the serial cheating please do so. If you can, remove your own identity (pics of your face, your telephone number, email address) from anything you give her for your own protection, use a sharpie and then copy the document, or black out any personal info on the computer before printing out if you know how to. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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