Am I becoming the other woman?

[karnipa]

Hi,

 

So I have just turned 19 years old, and two months ago I ended a very long, serious, and abusive relationship which I had been stuck in. Just to summarize it: the guy used to hit me and cheat on me over the duration we were together. Since then, I've been working hard to find myself, and be myself again. And things have been looking up, I go to the gym nearly every single day, I've found myself a job, I've reconnected with friendships I was isolated from...and I also realize that I am incredibly young and should be enjoying as well as living my life to the fullest, even though I like to think I am really 'mature', as most 19 year old girls do.

 

Anyway, the reason I'm coming here today is because I am incredibly confused. Two and a half weeks ago I started a new job, it's not a job I'm serious about but it is purely to pass the time. From the very first moment I walked into my new job, I caught eyes with a handsome guy. He stared at me throughout the duration of my training when I was there, and I was very attracted to him as well.

 

Once I started work, I received a lot of male attention. I'm not going to beat around the bush, I am a very attractive girl and I know this. I don't let it get to my head, but because I just got out of a very serious relationship, of course I'm not going to be frigid and flirt with those who flirt with me, because I am potentially interested.

 

Back to the story, this guy-let's call him 'T'-had been as I'd like to refer to it 'eye-****ing' me the entire first week I was there. By my third day on the job, he followed me to a coffee shop where I was, and I flirted with him in saying that he was following me and I pretended to forget his name. He proceeded to tell me I was stirring up all the male attention, but I just laughed it off. The next day when I came to work I asked one of my co-workers about him. She then told me that he wasn't even single, he was dating a girl who ALSO worked at the same place. Warning signs and alarm bells went off in my head. Before I found out he was in a relationship, I would have never guessed he was based on the way he spoke and acted towards me. I also watched the way he acted towards the other girls, and I'm assuming because they knew he was in a relationship, he didn't flirt with them or look at them the same way he did to me. Anyway, I dated a guy like this before so I know his game entirely, my ex-boyfriend treated me like this with other women all the time, so there's no way in hell I want to be the other women.

 

Problem is that he is incredibly attractive, my type, a few years older, and I feel the chemistry that we have. Anyway, I toned my flirting down with him completely-but he still flirts with me. He says things like: "do I make you nervous?" or "god, why are we working the same shift, means I'm going to have to look at you all day" and other mean-sarcastic jokes or flirtatious remarks. Usually I can pull out some sort of witty response, but I just can't with him. 1. Because he does make me nervous and 2. Because I know he's not single!

 

But he doesn't know that I know, so he continues to play this game. The other day, he came up to me and said: This is a war, you're going to lose. We can't do this.

 

I didn't understand what he meant and I literally just gaped at him. I though he meant I was going to lose to his girlfriend, as in, I wasn't going to get him. But this isn't a problem for me, because it's not as if I will lose anything since I'm not interested! My friend though he meant I was going to lose as in he was going to get me. I ignored him for an hour or so, but then he came by and lightly smacked my butt...I literally turned around and gasped...no one has ever openly done something like that to me, and when I should have retorted with-what the hell...I was left speechless. The remainder of the day he continued this flirtacious game, before asking me to: Stop, you know what you're doing. When I replied with: I have no idea what you're talking about. He said: you know exactly what you're doing.

 

And then he sauntered off! I am so confused. Yes, I am attracted to him. And yes, I do have a flirty persona. But once I found out he had a girlfriend, I literally closed off towards him completely, and now this is one sided. To make matters worse, I was at the same coffee shop the next day and I saw two completely unfamilliar girls, who don't work where I do, they were staring me down and then I heard one of them mention HIS name very loudly. I was so incredibly just...confused.

 

So I know I'm naive and young but can someone please explain to me what game this guy is playing at? Is he a flirt? Is he interested? And more importantly...how can I let him know I'm not interested without looking like an idiot if his response is: I was only joking around.

 

Someone, anyone, help me before I do become the other women. Wether it's true or not.

[whichwayisup]

Since now you know he has gf, don't even bother opening that door.

 

You're not ready or in a healthy place to get involved with someone else, because of your recent break up and all that went through with being abused.

I am sorry that you endured that, so I do hope you get some help with that.

 

Forget this guy, he is a real jerk and is getting off on messing with you. I have no idea why some people are into these types of games but it does a lot of damage in the long run and you've been through enough already to have to deal with or put up with some loser. And that's what he is!

 

Do yourself a huge favour, ignore him and put him out of your head. No good can come of this.

[karnipa]

Since now you know he has gf, don't even bother opening that door.

 

You're not ready or in a healthy place to get involved with someone else, because of your recent break up and all that went through with being abused.

I am sorry that you endured that, so I do hope you get some help with that.

 

Forget this guy, he is a real jerk and is getting off on messing with you. I have no idea why some people are into these types of games but it does a lot of damage in the long run and you've been through enough already to have to deal with or put up with some loser. And that's what he is!

 

Do yourself a huge favour, ignore him and put him out of your head. No good can come of this.

 

It's ok, I'm a very strong person so my recent break up, although it unhinged me, I was ready to end the relationship very very long before then, I was seeing a therapist three months before I broke it off with him completely, so I was very read to end it and finally the last straw made me do it around two months ago. But thank you for your concern

 

Exactly, this guy IS a jerk. And especially because I'm going to get the reputation of being the one who is trying to steal her boyfriend, when I'm completely not! I tried smiling at this girl, but she just gave me a dirty look. So I'm aware that she already feels threatened.

 

I just want to make it clear to the guy that I am NOT interested before it's too late and I'm taken advantage of or whatever because I'm attracted to him. So how can I do this without looking like an idiot? Do you think he's interested in me? Based on all I've said...does it sound like he is? Because if he isn't and I tell him that I'm not interested, it might just make things a little awkward for me at work.

[Zahara]

The guy has a girlfriend and flirts that way? I'd be repulsed.

 

He smacked your butt and you said nothing about it and you're wondering how to let him know you are not interested?

 

Speechless.

[Zahara]

I just want to make it clear to the guy that I am NOT interested before it's too late and I'm taken advantage of or whatever because I'm attracted to him. So how can I do this without looking like an idiot? Do you think he's interested in me? Based on all I've said...does it sound like he is? Because if he isn't and I tell him that I'm not interested, it might just make things a little awkward for me at work.

 

Why would you be interested in a man that has a girlfriend, who is openly flirting and smacking other women's behinds? Do you think a man like that would actually treat you any better? Do you think that once he's gotten you, he won't be flirting with the next pretty thing?

 

C'mon, think. Get your head on straight. He may be handsome but he has shytt for morals and dignity. Be a little more wise and mature with your selection process.

[karnipa]

Why would you be interested in a man that has a girlfriend, who is openly flirting and smacking other women's behinds? Do you think a man like that would actually treat you any better? Do you think that once he's gotten you, he won't be flirting with the next pretty thing?

 

C'mon, think. Get your head on straight. He may be handsome but he has shytt for morals and dignity. Be a little more wise and mature with your selection process.

 

I didn't say anything about him slapping my ass BECAUSE I was speechless, I mean, no one can actually do that. Granted, he slapped my ass with a menu and lightly, but it was still inappropriate especially because prior to that he was telling me I was going to lose some sort of war.

 

My head ISN'T on straight because the guy is like hot and cold towards me, if I felt that 100% he was interested in me, I'd go speak to him and tell him to back off, but because of the way he acts towards me I am just confused.

 

I know exactly what guys are like that. I know he'd be doing that to the next girl around. Yes I am attracted to him, but no I'm not going to openly pursue him whilst he's in a relationship. I've been the girl cheated on so no way am I going to be the girl someone cheats with. I, unlike him, have higher morals. And if that were my intentions, I'd be doing a lot more flirting and a lot less avoiding him. Unfortunately because we work together it's HARD for me to keep completely away from him.

[waterwoman]

How about 'you're in a relationship so please back off. Oh, and touch my arse again and I'll have you for sexual harassment, you creep!'

[karnipa]

I've also observed the way he acts with his girlfriend and he looks completely uninterested with her, both emotionally and sexually. I mean, when he's with her he is STILL staring at me. So I'm confused wether he's just not invested in the relationship, and it's always been that way, or it's my fault.

 

The other day he asked my plans for the weekend and I told him I was going on a date, in hopes this would make him back off, but instead he invited me to go to the cocktail bar him and his friends were going to if I 'got bored', I realize it wasn't a serious invitation but still...why would you invite someone and act that way whilst in a relationship.

 

I almost want to tell the girl myself but I know she will think I'm some crazy jealous psycho (as I used to think whenever confronted with my ex-boyfriends hook up buddies).

[Zahara]

I was saying I am speechless because you allowed a man to smack your behind at work without checking him or going to HR.

 

Your head isn't on straight because he's handsome, he's a bad boy and he's paying you attention. Not rocket science.

 

You keep focusing on what his intent is when you should be focusing on what type of man he is. Instead of wondering if he is interested, maybe you should be asking yourself about what sort of man behaves this way.

 

You know what type of guy he is but you are not going to openly pursue whilst he is a relationship? In a relationship or not, he's a dirtbag. If he's flirting behind his gf's back, means gf or not, he will cross the line. Get it?

 

Stay away from him and keep your communication professional.

[Zahara]

You do sound naive and young and yes you are 19, and it's understandable.

 

Again, you don't know what his relationship with her is like. You don't see what happens behind closed doors. Besides, WHAT DIRTBAG STARES AT ANOTHER WOMAN WHILE HE IS WITH HIS GF. Pay attention. You said you were always cheated on...these are signs of a man that has no problems of cheating. Why can't you see?

 

Stop trying to make sense of something that is so simple. Guys like these look at women like you as conquests, that is why he 1) pursues you even when he has a gf 2) openly smacks your ass at work because he has no respect for you 3) won't back down even when you tell him you are dating.

 

Why tell the girl? Stay out of their relationship and away from him. You're at work. Focus on that.

[bentleychic]

The guy has a girlfriend and flirts that way? I'd be repulsed.

 

He smacked your butt and you said nothing about it and you're wondering how to let him know you are not interested?

 

Speechless.

 

I'd let him know you're not interested speedy quick by mentioning sexual harassment in the work place.

[findingnemo]

Hi,

 

So I have just turned 19 years old, and two months ago I ended a very long, serious, and abusive relationship which I had been stuck in. Just to summarize it: the guy used to hit me and cheat on me over the duration we were together. Since then, I've been working hard to find myself, and be myself again. And things have been looking up, I go to the gym nearly every single day, I've found myself a job, I've reconnected with friendships I was isolated from...and I also realize that I am incredibly young and should be enjoying as well as living my life to the fullest, even though I like to think I am really 'mature', as most 19 year old girls do.

 

Anyway, the reason I'm coming here today is because I am incredibly confused. Two and a half weeks ago I started a new job, it's not a job I'm serious about but it is purely to pass the time. From the very first moment I walked into my new job, I caught eyes with a handsome guy. He stared at me throughout the duration of my training when I was there, and I was very attracted to him as well.

 

Once I started work, I received a lot of male attention. I'm not going to beat around the bush, I am a very attractive girl and I know this. I don't let it get to my head, but because I just got out of a very serious relationship, of course I'm not going to be frigid and flirt with those who flirt with me, because I am potentially interested.

 

Back to the story, this guy-let's call him 'T'-had been as I'd like to refer to it 'eye-****ing' me the entire first week I was there. By my third day on the job, he followed me to a coffee shop where I was, and I flirted with him in saying that he was following me and I pretended to forget his name. He proceeded to tell me I was stirring up all the male attention, but I just laughed it off. The next day when I came to work I asked one of my co-workers about him. She then told me that he wasn't even single, he was dating a girl who ALSO worked at the same place. Warning signs and alarm bells went off in my head. Before I found out he was in a relationship, I would have never guessed he was based on the way he spoke and acted towards me. I also watched the way he acted towards the other girls, and I'm assuming because they knew he was in a relationship, he didn't flirt with them or look at them the same way he did to me. Anyway, I dated a guy like this before so I know his game entirely, my ex-boyfriend treated me like this with other women all the time, so there's no way in hell I want to be the other women.

 

Problem is that he is incredibly attractive, my type, a few years older, and I feel the chemistry that we have. Anyway, I toned my flirting down with him completely-but he still flirts with me. He says things like: "do I make you nervous?" or "god, why are we working the same shift, means I'm going to have to look at you all day" and other mean-sarcastic jokes or flirtatious remarks. Usually I can pull out some sort of witty response, but I just can't with him. 1. Because he does make me nervous and 2. Because I know he's not single!

 

But he doesn't know that I know, so he continues to play this game. The other day, he came up to me and said: This is a war, you're going to lose. We can't do this.

 

I didn't understand what he meant and I literally just gaped at him. I though he meant I was going to lose to his girlfriend, as in, I wasn't going to get him. But this isn't a problem for me, because it's not as if I will lose anything since I'm not interested! My friend though he meant I was going to lose as in he was going to get me. I ignored him for an hour or so, but then he came by and lightly smacked my butt...I literally turned around and gasped...no one has ever openly done something like that to me, and when I should have retorted with-what the hell...I was left speechless. The remainder of the day he continued this flirtacious game, before asking me to: Stop, you know what you're doing. When I replied with: I have no idea what you're talking about. He said: you know exactly what you're doing.

 

And then he sauntered off! I am so confused. Yes, I am attracted to him. And yes, I do have a flirty persona. But once I found out he had a girlfriend, I literally closed off towards him completely, and now this is one sided. To make matters worse, I was at the same coffee shop the next day and I saw two completely unfamilliar girls, who don't work where I do, they were staring me down and then I heard one of them mention HIS name very loudly. I was so incredibly just...confused.

 

So I know I'm naive and young but can someone please explain to me what game this guy is playing at? Is he a flirt? Is he interested? And more importantly...how can I let him know I'm not interested without looking like an idiot if his response is: I was only joking around.

 

Someone, anyone, help me before I do become the other women. Wether it's true or not.

 

He sounds like an idiot. Smacking you behind?

 

Next time tell him that you are happy for him and his gf and while he may think his jokes are funny you suggest he stop it.

[Quiet Storm]

It sounds like you feel validated by his attention, and he's exploiting that.

 

He must have felt some degree of reciprocation in order to smack your butt like that. He knew that you wouldn't report it or call him out on it. And he was right. Pay attention to the nonverbal signals you're sending him.

 

You mention muliple times that he stares at you, even around his girlfriend. You are looking at him, too, in order to notice all of these stares. Stop paying attention to what he's doing. He notices that, and senses you are interested.

 

Being closed off is not going to work with this guy. You need to come straight out and tell him, with a very serious look on your face, that he is making you uncomfortable. Tell him to leave you alone. And mean it.

 

The most important thing you need to be concerned about is you. Your last boyfriend abused you. Now you have amazing chemistry with a guy that smacks the butts of girls at his girlfriend's workplace. That is so disrespectful to you and to her. And yet- although you are fighting it- you are attracted to a man with this character. Why? You should consider that your abuse or issues with your family or childhood may have affected your "man picker". You should stay away from these types and I think you logically know that. Chemistry is not always a good thing. We can feel comfortable or attracted to certain individuals because they subconciously remind us of unhealthy or abusive relationships in our past.

 

It is good that your head is telling you to stay away. You just have to keep your guard up, no flirting or glancing. Do not tolerate any incidences of disrespect. Show him with your body language that you are not interested.

Edited August 12, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[Red Wolverine]

Hi,

 

So I have just turned 19 years old, and two months ago I ended a very long, serious, and abusive relationship which I had been stuck in. Just to summarize it: the guy used to hit me and cheat on me over the duration we were together. Since then, I've been working hard to find myself, and be myself again. And things have been looking up, I go to the gym nearly every single day, I've found myself a job, I've reconnected with friendships I was isolated from...and I also realize that I am incredibly young and should be enjoying as well as living my life to the fullest, even though I like to think I am really 'mature', as most 19 year old girls do.

 

Anyway, the reason I'm coming here today is because I am incredibly confused. Two and a half weeks ago I started a new job, it's not a job I'm serious about but it is purely to pass the time. From the very first moment I walked into my new job, I caught eyes with a handsome guy. He stared at me throughout the duration of my training when I was there, and I was very attracted to him as well.

 

Once I started work, I received a lot of male attention. I'm not going to beat around the bush, I am a very attractive girl and I know this. I don't let it get to my head, but because I just got out of a very serious relationship, of course I'm not going to be frigid and flirt with those who flirt with me, because I am potentially interested.

 

Back to the story, this guy-let's call him 'T'-had been as I'd like to refer to it 'eye-****ing' me the entire first week I was there. By my third day on the job, he followed me to a coffee shop where I was, and I flirted with him in saying that he was following me and I pretended to forget his name. He proceeded to tell me I was stirring up all the male attention, but I just laughed it off. The next day when I came to work I asked one of my co-workers about him. She then told me that he wasn't even single, he was dating a girl who ALSO worked at the same place. Warning signs and alarm bells went off in my head. Before I found out he was in a relationship, I would have never guessed he was based on the way he spoke and acted towards me. I also watched the way he acted towards the other girls, and I'm assuming because they knew he was in a relationship, he didn't flirt with them or look at them the same way he did to me. Anyway, I dated a guy like this before so I know his game entirely, my ex-boyfriend treated me like this with other women all the time, so there's no way in hell I want to be the other women.

 

Problem is that he is incredibly attractive, my type, a few years older, and I feel the chemistry that we have. Anyway, I toned my flirting down with him completely-but he still flirts with me. He says things like: "do I make you nervous?" or "god, why are we working the same shift, means I'm going to have to look at you all day" and other mean-sarcastic jokes or flirtatious remarks. Usually I can pull out some sort of witty response, but I just can't with him. 1. Because he does make me nervous and 2. Because I know he's not single!

 

But he doesn't know that I know, so he continues to play this game. The other day, he came up to me and said: This is a war, you're going to lose. We can't do this.

 

I didn't understand what he meant and I literally just gaped at him. I though he meant I was going to lose to his girlfriend, as in, I wasn't going to get him. But this isn't a problem for me, because it's not as if I will lose anything since I'm not interested! My friend though he meant I was going to lose as in he was going to get me. I ignored him for an hour or so, but then he came by and lightly smacked my butt...I literally turned around and gasped...no one has ever openly done something like that to me, and when I should have retorted with-what the hell...I was left speechless. The remainder of the day he continued this flirtacious game, before asking me to: Stop, you know what you're doing. When I replied with: I have no idea what you're talking about. He said: you know exactly what you're doing.

 

And then he sauntered off! I am so confused. Yes, I am attracted to him. And yes, I do have a flirty persona. But once I found out he had a girlfriend, I literally closed off towards him completely, and now this is one sided. To make matters worse, I was at the same coffee shop the next day and I saw two completely unfamilliar girls, who don't work where I do, they were staring me down and then I heard one of them mention HIS name very loudly. I was so incredibly just...confused.

 

So I know I'm naive and young but can someone please explain to me what game this guy is playing at? Is he a flirt? Is he interested? And more importantly...how can I let him know I'm not interested without looking like an idiot if his response is: I was only joking around.

 

Someone, anyone, help me before I do become the other women. Wether it's true or not.

 

Next time he touches your butt, knee him in the balls then tell him you won the war.

[Lillyfree]

Next time he touches your butt, knee him in the balls then tell him you won the war.

 

haha, exactly!

 

OP, don't let anyone treat you this way. you might be flattered by his attention, but if you look under the surface he's a w*nker who doesn't really think much of you.

 

if someone slapped my arse anywhere (let alone in the workplace) they wouldn't be able to use that hand for a very long time.

[The Way I Am]

Good for you for getting therapy and getting out of a bad relationship. I hope you're still in therapy, because you're still not in a healthy state of mind. If you were, this guy's actions would repulse not attract you. The fact that you're still attracted to this kind of person shows you still have a lot of work to do on yourself and aren't ready for dating.

 

You don't need to worry about being embarrassed over telling him you're "not interested". You don't have to say that to him at all. All you have to do is tell him his behavior is inappropriate for a workplace and you want him to stop.

 

It's really quite simple... but I don't think you'll do it. I think you'll come up with a excuse not to because you don't really want him to stop. I think you're hoping you'll "win" him and don't want to scare him off.

Edited August 13, 2013 by The Way I Am