I told MM how I felt

[Scarlet2]

First, to recap my other posts: I've known my MM for 10 years, he's been married over 20, his youngest kid is 17, and we've been in the A since December of last year. We have very LC because he says he's too afraid of his W finding out. If I text, he rarely responds, which I'm sure he does on purpose so that if she ever has to get a log of his messages, it will look like he was ignoring my advances. We were seeing each other every week, then it tapered off when he would schedule and then cancel due to other various obligations, so I was lucky if I saw him once a month.

 

I was starting to pull away because of the lack of time and anytime I would initiate I would always get a no. So I figured maybe he wasn't interested in me anymore and didn't want to tell me so I would just go ahead and fade away for him. But then he said he was going to do better at seeing me and communicating but then two weeks later he canceled on me again, this time to fix an appliance.

 

I've been more than understanding every time I didn't get to see him but doubt starts creeping in again and I start to wonder if he's blowing me off because if the roles were reversed, I'd still make some time and then work on the appliance afterwards, so I got disappointed and I told him so. He got upset with me, especially when he said other things were going wrong during the day too and I said "maybe if you didn't cancel, it wouldn't have set off these chain of events". He said that was mean and I said "well how do you think I feel when I lost out to inanimate object?" He got frustrated and said he would talk to me in a couple of days and actually hung up on me.

 

I called him back and he answered saying he doesn't want to talk to me right now, but I got him to not hang up again. I apologized and told him I know I'm not a priority and that other things come first, and he says the way I say that makes it sound terrible and he hates that I feel that way.

 

But then he started getting doubtful and he's not sure if we are on the same page anymore. I said I wished he wanted me as much as I wanted him. He said he wasn't sure if he could give me what I want right now and I said I know because he'd have to get divorced. He said he'd have to eat rations if he did because he'd lose her money and I asked if that's why he doesn't want to be with me, and he responds with "what?! no."

 

Then he wanted to know what I saw the future as and I told him exactly what I said when he propositioned me nine months ago, "I am your next wife." He said he didn't take me serious when I had said it and I said it's not the worst thing in the world to have me as a wife, and he chastises me and says he's not saying that, don't put words in his mouth.

 

I tell him that I'm trying not to live in the future and focus more on what I have now and he said he didn't want to trap me in the now if I want a different future. He expressed another of his concerns and said he doesn't want me to make him pick and choose later down the road. I told him I'm not asking him to choose because I know I'm not going to get picked and he said not to say that.

 

Then he says he thinks I'm making the A more than what it is and he asks if I understand what he's saying. I said I think he's ending it and he said he's not saying that. He tells me to think about where I want this to go and can I handle it if it doesn't go anywhere. He said he doesn't want to be the guy who takes five years of my life when it might not become more.

 

I told him I need to know what would happen if we got caught because if he were to throw me under the bus (like I keep reading about) then it wouldn't be worth it to continue. He said he doesn't know what he would do.

 

After that, he kept saying "I don't know" a lot because he couldn't gather his thoughts and he said he needed to do some thinking. So then I start getting upset because everytime I reveal my feelings to any man, they pull away and end it

 

He revealed that when we first started, he was thinking about me non stop and he didn't want to jeopardize what we had since he didn't know what I wanted, so then that's when he went compartmental. So the problem is, the roles have reversed and I haven't put him in a compartment and I'm the one jeopardizing it now. I told him he needs to come back to my page and not regress his feelings. He laughs and repeats that we need to think further.

 

So basically he's saying he doesn't want more with me at this moment in time even though he was heading that way in the beginning but now it's up to me to decide if I want to keep it the same or end it.

 

I want to be with him, I'm not going to stop wanting more, so I don't see how he could continue it if we are not on the same page. Wouldn't he start feeling awkward or would he feel indifference because he's selfish? I'll find out soon if he's still talking to me or going to avoid me.

 

Did I seal my own fate by telling him my thoughts and feelings? Is it going to end now?

[whichwayisup]

He is in this for an affair, you're in this hoping he'll leave and divorce his wife, give up everything and start a new life for you. You two ARE on different pages and if you want a husband, a child of your own, then END it with him and grieve the loss.

 

Sorry if this hurts to read but he is telling you in his own way not to hope for a future with him.

 

You're setting yourself up for a big hurt if you continue to stay in the affair.

[MuddyFootprints]

He isn't offering you what you want. He has laid it out clearly. Now, it's all up to you.

[Hope Shimmers]

Scarlet, I really don't want to say anything to hurt you, but he doesn't sound like he is that "into" you. Even as an affair. Why are you hanging on to this?

 

Men are fairly straightforward - if he wants to see you, he will make time to see you. Instead he makes inane excuses and doesn't even try to come up with excuses that aren't insulting (fix an appliance?) He isn't acting like a man who wants to be in any kind of relationship with you because he is pulling away and giving you every single hint in the world that everyone and everything else in his life is higher priority than you. You can't force him to want to see you or feel differently. I'm sorry

[bentleychic]

He isn't offering you what you want. He has laid it out clearly. Now, it's all up to you.

I agree. And you deserve more. Find it!

 

(I know that's easier said than done, trust me!!!)

[still_an_Angel]

I am so sorry Scarlet, I think he has laid it out how it is for him. He is not leaving his M and he has placed the ball in your court to decide what you want to do. He's given plenty of warnings though, it will always be on his terms, his time, his circumstances, everything about what's going on in his life. He has taken it for granted that because you are single, you have to comply with his "availability". Is this what you want out of this relationship?

 

You are the OW, you are free to choose whoever you want. He is lucky to have you. Please walk away from your MM with your head high, he does not deserve any piece of you or your devotion to this relationship. You deserve someone better.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Honey, please retread your post. It was painful to read. He wants an affair. Easy, no strings attached, sex and ego strokes. It's supposed to be fun, spontaneous, and noncommittal. It's easy, fun and without effort. It's an affair, not a marriage. Be fun!

[BrokenPrincess]

Scarlet, I really don't want to say anything to hurt you, but he doesn't sound like he is that "into" you. Even as an affair. Why are you hanging on to this?

 

Men are fairly straightforward - if he wants to see you, he will make time to see you. Instead he makes inane excuses and doesn't even try to come up with excuses that aren't insulting (fix an appliance?) He isn't acting like a man who wants to be in any kind of relationship with you because he is pulling away and giving you every single hint in the world that everyone and everything else in his life is higher priority than you. You can't force him to want to see you or feel differently. I'm sorry

 

This^. Everything about OPs post makes me sad & just pissed off. Scarlet, I know it hurts SO much but you have to consider this over. It literally turns my stomach triggering for me how this feels when it's obvious that your MM says things that hurt so deep. But this is it. It's not because you told him. Don't beat yourself up about that. You probably (hopefully) have set yourself free sooner.

 

Hugs...so many hugs to you. Please don't give this man any more opportunity to hurt you.

[nycrunner]

you're doing it wrong and he;'s doing it right.

I made a mistake and got attached. So, my next one will be on target.

Yeah, I know the ladies don't want to hear it. But, I'll treat you right and get what I need. Life is short, have fun

[Hope Shimmers]

you're doing it wrong and he;'s doing it right.

I made a mistake and got attached. So, my next one will be on target.

Yeah, I know the ladies don't want to hear it. But, I'll treat you right and get what I need. Life is short, have fun

 

You have it backwards, but men like you would never understand that.

 

So from this post you are going to continue to cheat on your wife and just do it for your own personal satisfaction and to hell with whoever else you hurt because all that matters to you is you.

 

As for the "ladies not wanting to hear it", I doubt any lady on here would care one way or another what you do or say.

[nycrunner]

You have it backwards, but men like you would never understand that.

 

So from this post you are going to continue to cheat on your wife and just do it for your own personal satisfaction and to hell with whoever else you hurt because all that matters to you is you.

 

As for the "ladies not wanting to hear it", I doubt any lady on here would care one way or another what you do or say.

 

Hey, it is what it is. It goes both ways. Obviously, the women that were cheated on could care kess about the info. But for the OW you can get the perspective/insight of a MM.

 

There are both sides of the story.

[Hope Shimmers]

Ten characters.

[Soverysad123]

you're doing it wrong and he;'s doing it right.

I made a mistake and got attached. So, my next one will be on target.

Yeah, I know the ladies don't want to hear it. But, I'll treat you right and get what I need. Life is short, have fun

 

I can't quite believe that when I first read your post the other day, I felt for you hurting. Just read all your posts over the last couple of days and think that you need to leave this forum. You are offering no help or support and quite frankly I feel so very sorry for any OW that had been involved with you and any future and also your poor poor wife. A are difficult and so very hurtful and your comments are not helpful.

[herself]

Scarlett Im so mad this mm got a good one like you.

He is honestly an example of one of the WORST mm Ive heard described on here.

 

Hes a first class JERK...a real douche. First off he admits HE needs HER money. What a clown. So he cant live without her money but he can cheat on her?

 

Also he cant even speak up and man up and tell you directly, he is hinting and makingvit sound like hes confused and he isnt...it was fun while it lasted, hes done with it, its no longer fun and he wants out by making it seem like YOUR decision (ie. i cant give you what you want) this places the "blame" on you...you were to needy, you make the A more than what it is (=did u think me having sex with you meant I love you and want to be with you)

 

And quite frankly I think he is trying to get you to leave so he doesnt have to worry about you getting angry or hurt, then telling his wife.

 

Im sorry but hes a loser. Everything he said to you is a slap in the face...I dont even think he wants the sex anymore, hes over it but since he cant even divorce his wife, he also doesnt have the balls to break up with you....he has no character, sponging off his wife, then spomging off you and now hes done cause the chase is over but he still keeps wifey to support him and finds another cake to eat.

 

You shouldnt date this man if he was single. Hes a true lowlife. I'll be so happy when u tell us you deleted all his contact info, erased him from your life and blocked him.

What a dick ugh.

[Nothisgirl]

Scarlett Im so mad this mm got a good one like you.

He is honestly an example of one of the WORST mm Ive heard described on here.

 

Hes a first class JERK...a real douche. First off he admits HE needs HER money. What a clown. So he cant live without her money but he can cheat on her?

 

Also he cant even speak up and man up and tell you directly, he is hinting and makingvit sound like hes confused and he isnt...it was fun while it lasted, hes done with it, its no longer fun and he wants out by making it seem like YOUR decision (ie. i cant give you what you want) this places the "blame" on you...you were to needy, you make the A more than what it is (=did u think me having sex with you meant I love you and want to be with you)

 

And quite frankly I think he is trying to get you to leave so he doesnt have to worry about you getting angry or hurt, then telling his wife.

 

Im sorry but hes a loser. Everything he said to you is a slap in the face...I dont even think he wants the sex anymore, hes over it but since he cant even divorce his wife, he also doesnt have the balls to break up with you....he has no character, sponging off his wife, then spomging off you and now hes done cause the chase is over but he still keeps wifey to support him and finds another cake to eat.

 

You shouldnt date this man if he was single. Hes a true lowlife. I'll be so happy when u tell us you deleted all his contact info, erased him from your life and blocked him.

What a dick ugh.

 

 

This x 10000000

[gettingstronger]

Whatever you do, do not try to pretend what you have with him is OK by you if its not- our OW "agreed" to the terms of the A always hoping that time would change things and they would end up together-

 

I think my husband was aware of this but was too selfish to do anything about it- he would continue to tell her the parameters and after some sobbing she would agree-why? because it alleviated his guilt

 

All of this backfired on all of us- all of us- she went nutty, we are dealing with it and both families are suffering-

 

He sometimes says-why did she stay in it when she knew the rules and but wanted more- and I tell him-because you allowed it by handing out breadcrumbs because you were beyond selfish to everyone-

 

He knows that now-feels badly about it but whats done is done-I wish for all of our sakes she would have been more honest with herself and left him- or he would have manned up and ended it before it got so out of control-

 

Being honest about your intentions is all well and good but knowingly continuing with her was just cruel to her-

 

You are on a dangerous path-stop now-

[Tayla]

Sounds to me that the MM is neither selfish or dishonest. Straighforward and considerate of his Priority towards marriage, family and community.

 

Being the OW does come with a nice tuning in of priorities towards the same. How have you coped with the concept of marriage, family obligations and gaining community regard? Perhaps taking a strong look at your aspirations will clarify some of your current dilema.

[Scarlet2]

Maybe I'm the messed up one because if he were paying more attention to me like he was when we were on the same page then I wouldn't be feeling the way I am now and he'd still be getting what he expected.

 

He really hasn't reached dick status to me yet. If he had completely ignored me or canceled without saying anything, then he'd be a real dick. He does care in some way but on the other hand, he admits he has to word things a certain way because he's scared I'll get mad at him. I guess he's afraid I'll go ballistic and threaten to tell his wife if I don't get what I want. What he doesn't seem to realize is that I'm not going to destroy something I want, otherwise I wouldn't be able to have it anymore if I did, so his fears are for naught.

 

Since he doesn't feel the same way about me, I assume it's over but he says it's not and that he wants to start over. I'm still thinking about what I want and I know I do not want more of what I have been getting, which is nothing. And the more I keep thinking about it, I do get angry that I'm making his marriage more tolerable, or enhancing it, and that's not my responsibility.

[spookysonata]

It won't be over for him as long as he gets to eat cake, which he happily will as long as you let him. Here's the thing, though; you don't need his permission to end it, or to "assume" anything. Decide you don't want to be his cake anymore and YOU end it. He doesn't get a say.

[spookysonata]

Also I agree with other posters that think he is not at all interested in marrying you ever. He's in it for an affair, no more. Your account of his actions and words make it clear.

[jellybean89]

^^^^^^^

 

Re-read the above over and over and over...

[herself]

Easier said than done but I'm all for ending it, blocking him, and never looking back. Lately theres been success stories of those who have.

Over time ow, or om, or mow...Systematically over time are conditioned to accept less and less until its just breadcrumbs and scraps.

This is stealing so much mental energy and time you could have had for just you, or the dating scene, or your career.

Hes giving you next to nothing. Really the breaking point should have been when he hung up on you...but then you get him back on the phone and he slaps your hands and dials down your expectations by letting you know your making too much of the A and he cant give you what u want....he WONT give you what you want.

You lost your power. Get it back by creating a life free of him. He is in a miserable marriage, let him have that. If a woman who loves him isnt enough for him to break free and choose her over living the fat life....then when u spend the next 5 years single with no dates, true romance, and one to call your own....all your holidays alone...you dont want this...take the step...just go. Or let him break your heart and choose for you. Theres power in YOU making the choice. Im not chastising, or speaking about moral right and wrong, Im talking about being strong enough to get your life back. You can. Your stuck....but u can get out.

He COULD have chosen u, tried harder, he didnt. So let him go.

[Scarlet2]

We still haven't spoken to each other since the phone call. Surprisingly I haven't been crying or upset. That might change if I see him though. We had planned to see each other this Friday before the talk so I don't know if he's going to still show up or cancel yet again.

 

Anyway, I've been thinking about what I want to do if he does talk to me. I am tired of giving 100% and only receiving 7%, which is partly why I will not try to communicate with him first right now. Essentially he "broke up" with me by saying he didn't get into the affair thinking it was going to change his life, so I feel it's up to him to break the silence first.

 

My other thought processes are like: do I move on because I'm not getting everything I want or do I downgrade myself to his 7% and keep it going and end it when I find someone else who wants to match my 100%?

 

I've always wanted to get married but if I continue the A, he's not going to marry me so I start thinking is it really a deal breaker? I ask married and divorced people and they're all telling me NOT to get married and that it's just a piece of paper and a title, you can still get the same kind of lifestyle.

 

And I don't want kids, so that's not an issue. But then I think about all the times I feel alone when he's not around or "ignoring" me and is it really worth more of that? It's not.

 

I keep flip flopping but I think I'm going to at least talk to him about what needs to change if he still wants to start over and if he's dead set on keeping it the same without any compromise or negotation, then he's pretty much made the decision for me, I will not give 100% to his 7%.

[2sunny]

Yes - move forward.

 

He said he doesn't plan to offer you anything.

 

His crumbs aren't worth waiting around for.

 

Date available men - let them take you on dates and have a real relationship.

 

This MM has been clear - he's told you to expect nothing. So give him NOTHING.

[Shadowburn]

There is no point in telling how you feel to someone who just simply doesn't care.

You need to pick up whatever dignity and self-respect you have left and to end it. He clearly has nothing to offer you, so stop twisting yourself into pretzel to accommodate his little needs and wants. You don't have to get married and have kids if you do not wish so, but don't you think you deserve to have your own man, and not to pickup someone else's leftovers? Don't meet with him "to talk", there is nothing to talk here, he told you everything you need to know already. Just end it, he is not worth another minute wasted on thinking about him.