Is it easier to move on being a MOW or SOW

[AnotherSadSong]

There is no motive on my part in asking this question. I am simply curious if having someone else to fall back on gives a better sense of security than when you are left alone. Could it be worse depending on the marriage or are MOW similar to MOM in that their husbands and repairing their marriage are important in the aftermath.

[eye of the storm]

I think there are pros and cons to both.

[lovinDKT3]

I was a married women when I had my affair. It was a very tough period. Dealing with the end of the affair is one thing, but doing so while also fearing the end of the marriage was something I would not wish on anyone.

 

Its not easy to look into your spouses eyes having done what you did, so its not like you just slide back into the marriage and progress foward as if nothing happened.

[AnotherSadSong]

I was a married women when I had my affair. It was a very tough period. Dealing with the end of the affair is one thing, but doing so while also fearing the end of the marriage was something I would not wish on anyone.

 

Its not easy to look into your spouses eyes having done what you did, so its not like you just slide back into the marriage and progress foward as if nothing happened.

 

It would be tough to hide your emotions, crying or solemn face. Your husband would wonder what was up with the change in mood. Difficult for sure and looking in the eyes is a tough one especially if you are one whose eyes give you away more than another's would.

[lgspot]

I was a married women when I had my affair. It was a very tough period. Dealing with the end of the affair is one thing, but doing so while also fearing the end of the marriage was something I would not wish on anyone.

 

Its not easy to look into your spouses eyes having done what you did, so its not like you just slide back into the marriage and progress foward as if nothing happened.

 

Wisdom from a remorseful woman.

Mine couldn't look me or herself in the eye until I was long gone.

I had the easy side in walking away.

Good luck in all your journeys lovinDKT3 and everyone struggling with recovery.

[norudder]

I think its most difficult for a mow who is staying married and not confessing. Shell be depressed and BH won't know why and her life goes on feeling less than and dealing with mental comparisons to "what could've been" vs no alternative to what she has. She has to ride out the heartbreak doing damage to her m still in the meantime.

 

The mow who confesses still has the heartbreak (plus seeing the heartbroken BH) but a shot at being happy by either starting over with her h or without him. Of course starting over after a divorce means a drastic life change emotionally as well as financially, geographically, etc.

 

The single ow is heartbroken but nobody else, her general lifestyle remains the same and once she moves on can still seek a relationship with a single guy.

 

Maybe things get better for the mow's marriage, maybe they don't. Maybe the divorced mow finds happiness on her own or with someone new, maybe not. Maybe the single ow finds the man of her dreams after losing the mm, maybe not. The only thing certain for all three when an emotionally invested A ends is heartbreak. Everything else in life is a crapshoot, even the promise of marriage ever after can't truly be promised even if the best intentions are there. All we can do is make the best decisions we can to the best ability of who we are at the time and learn from them.

Edited July 8, 2015 by norudder

[Southern Sun]

I haven't been a SOW so I can't compare.

 

As a former MOW, it has been torture. All of the advice about "getting over" someone doesn't apply. If you try to take all the advice written in magazines or books, then your spouse would lose their minds, since they KNOW it is in an effort to forget about someone you were never supposed to love to begin with.

 

So whether your spouse is aware of the affair or not, in general, a wayward spouse has to pretend. We have to hide our feelings. We have to grieve the end of a relationship while trying to mend our marriage. It can seem impossible. It is hard for those betrayed to hear. But it's just true. It sucks for all involved.

 

There's a poster named Fellini on here who I wish more people could really appreciate. I remember a thread once popping up about how hideous it would be to watch their spouse grieve their affair partner and how if they had to do it, that would be an affront to their dignity and they would tell them it was over immediately. But Fellini said that he saw it as a natural part of his wife's path, and that if he saw NO grief from her, he would question if she was really done with the affair. I appreciate realism.

 

I realize SOWs also have to hide their pain sometimes, if their relationship was not out in the open. Thus my new motto - affairs suck.

[AnotherSadSong]

This brings out a different perspective and thank you for sharing. It would be more difficult being a MOW, this is how I now see it. And of course they all suck, affairs that is! I am feeling the effects of that now.

You would have to bury your emotions and you cannot really fall in the arms of your husband to overcome the pain because that would be insane.

[Sassy Girl]

Back in my single days, if I had a break up Id just get out there and start dating again. Get back on the horse.

 

When my affair ended I couldn't do that. My marriage was exactly the same. I really miss that affection and human contact. My affair was passionate and intense. Some days I barely get a few words from my husband and our sex life is less than stellar.

 

Sometimes I think I was better off not knowing what was out there. Can't shove the genie back in the bottle. Now my dysfunctional marriage seems more dysfunctional.

 

But hey, my performance at work has never been better and career is really taking off, so there is that I guess.

Edited July 8, 2015 by Sassy Girl

[Popsicle]

I think it's harder for the MOW.

[AnotherSadSong]

I think it's harder for the MOW.

 

Yes Popiscle I thought otherwise until reading the replies. I thought having someone lie next to you in bed and be a comfort would be 100 percent easier, but I do not see it that way now.

 

 

I would not be able to stay married to someone I am indifferent toward. This is not implying that others staying is not for their rightful reasons and purposes. I could not stomach it. When I check out, I am checked out.

[lovinDKT3]

Yes Popiscle I thought otherwise until reading the replies. I thought having someone lie next to you in bed and be a comfort would be 100 percent easier, but I do not see it that way now.

 

 

I would not be able to stay married to someone I am indifferent toward. This is not implying that others staying is not for their rightful reasons and purposes. I could not stomach it. When I check out, I am checked out.

 

I for one was never indifferent towards my husband, there was a great sex life passion romance the whole thing. The problem was he was away as much as 250 days a year. I felt alone, like I was a single mom. I begged for him to change his career.

 

There is no comfort in your husbands arms, even when he offers. Its like stabbing someone in the back then asking them to bandage the cut on your hand.

[AnotherSadSong]

I for one was never indifferent towards my husband, there was a great sex life passion romance the whole thing. The problem was he was away as much as 250 days a year. I felt alone, like I was a single mom. I begged for him to change his career.

 

There is no comfort in your husbands arms, even when he offers. Its like stabbing someone in the back then asking them to bandage the cut on your hand.

 

 

 

I do see how that would be difficult. Also, if the husband feels something is wrong and keeps asking what is wrong.

[Poppy47]

I think the single affair partner has an easier time.

He/she only has to deal with their own emotions.

 

The MM I was with said it was doubly bad for him. He grieved for me and missed me. He did his best to hide it from his wife but at times it was impossible for him.

 

His wife never found out and he never told a soul, so he had to somehow keep it all bottled up inside.

 

Poppy

[autumnnight]

Each person's pain is very very significant to them. That said, I would think if you are a MOW and your marriage is miserable (though it's no excuse blah blah), giving up feeling and being loved (even though it's wrong blah blah) and going BACK to being nothing has got to be torture. At least if you are single you can look for someone new. If you are married to someone who could care less, then I'm sure you feel trapped AND lonely AND guilty.

[GypsumSatellite]

I feel that, in general, it's not easy to move on after an affair for anyone involved. The appearance of it being easy may be there, but the actuality of ease may not be. Regardless of a spouse or partner you may or may not have to interact with every day - you still have to look at yourself in the mirror every day. You have to deal with your memories everyday until they fade. You still have to deal with the behaviors that led you to participate in an affair.

 

Someone once told me there's no winning in the suffering olympics. I see that as one of those times - there is no "it's more difficult for a SOP or a MOP" it's just straight up difficult in its own individual way.

[AnotherSadSong]

I feel that, in general, it's not easy to move on after an affair for anyone involved. The appearance of it being easy may be there, but the actuality of ease may not be. Regardless of a spouse or partner you may or may not have to interact with every day - you still have to look at yourself in the mirror every day. You have to deal with your memories everyday until they fade. You still have to deal with the behaviors that led you to participate in an affair.

 

Someone once told me there's no winning in the suffering olympics. I see that as one of those times - there is no "it's more difficult for a SOP or a MOP" it's just straight up difficult in its own individual way.

 

Suffering Olympics yes it is. It would seem that it would be very specific and individual now that you have mentioned it. That is a great point. I was doing fine until I was home alone and a huge lot of guilt, reminiscing about life in the past not having to do with the affair bearing down, and then the feeling of the ending could not have been worse. It is not a joyous occasion for anyone going through the motions.

[m4p]

I was still attached to ex-boyfriend during the end of the A. After the A ended, I 'fessed up and ended the relationship too. So I guess I've experienced both as a single and attached person.

 

It's hard in its own ways. It's definitely hard to hide grief in front of a live-in partner (spontaneous crying, moping, faking normal- it's quite pathetic actually). Me mourning someone else in front of my ex partner. For the first time I felt guilt and remorse. So I ended it.

 

As a single ow, it's hard too. the loneliness and emptiness hits right at home. It's not like once you're single you're invisible. There's nobody to confide to. You're still holding up fort at work, in front of friends and families. I tried to hide it but my mom could tell something was wrong.

 

So I guess it's really dependent on each individual's circumstances and pain.... But I feel being attached will definitely not make it easier. It's just illogical and cruel to expect comfort from the person you've betrayed even if they don't know it...

 

Pain will fade with time. This all too shall pass.

[Got it]

The loneliest I ever felt was alone in my marriage. That was far worse than being alone and single.