Fortunesfool 79 Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 (edited) I was married for 12 yrs but my marriage should have ended around the 8 yr mark. I was lonely in my marriage but I didn't want my sons to grow up without a father in the house. So I went on a website for married people that were looking for affairs. I found a lady she was in a similar situation and we had a lot in common. I don't know what i was thinking I have never been good with casual sex I need an emotional connection before I can and I get attached afterwards. She was amazing at first....everything I had been looking for. I never felt more loved than I did in the beginning of the affair. After four months I realized I didn't want to cheat on my wife and the mother of my kids and I wanted to do the right thing so I moved out and got a place 10 mins from the kids so I could be there for them at anytime. We (my MW and I) did all the things couples do...hung out at the beach, nights out to dinner, we spent a weekend in NY. I was forced out of the military due to reduction in force around this time but they gave me a severance package. After about six months she started getting distant and we limped on for a couple of months. She finally told me she had met another guy she really liked and we wouldn't be exclusive anymore. She seemed almost in a good mood when she told me it was the most cruel thing I had ever experienced but I was in love with her and I had no job or direction at the time. I cried and begged and she kept coming around giving me crumbs but it was never the same. One night when she was sleep, I know I shouldn't have, but I went in her phone and saw their conversation. She called me her ex and talked about how she had never been so pampered and coddled in her life and she needed to know if it was me or the things I did for her thar she liked. That was another punch in the stomach because I had told myself if I ever found love again I would show it with everything I had and I guess I did. I sunk into depression without my job of 15 yrs and this gaping hole in me. I couldn't eat couldn't motivate myself to do anything. I sat in my apartment for six months wasted all my severance package, lost my apartment. Everytime she would come by i would feel worse. It got to the point i would get tears in my eyes when i saw her. I found out there was other guys too and I was just "The one who showed her, her worth","and she was glad she met me." I started NC three days ago she texted last night and said "I understand you not texting, it's easier that way....good luck and God bless." We went from i love you's to that. This whole thing has made me feel emasculated and cowardly. I wish i could get this burning and empty feeling out of the center of me. I don't regret moving out and getting a divorce that had to happen I love my ex-wife but we were not in love, staying together for the kids. I didn't want to grow old that way. Our relationship as friends is great and we get along much better. Glad I found this forum there's not many places you can go to talk about this kind of situation and the pain it causes. Part of me still wants her.... Edited August 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge and paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Sorry that you are hurting. It's good that you got divorced instead of dragging your family through your infidelity with you. Was your exwife amicable about the divorce? Infatuation and romantic love can be more like a mental illness rather than real love. For most people that crazy time settles into the more quiet enduring love that you had for your wife. Had your MOW left to be with you after a couple of years your relationship with her most likely would have been similar to your marriage. However she started messing around with other guys before while you were still the crazy infatuation phase and now you're stuck because you never to the point of seeing her as just another human being before she started sticking knives in you. You still see her as some kind of great goddess that got away while really she's just a serial cheat who uses men. What are you doing for employment now? What do you do to better yourself and better your life? You need to start living your life and stop behaving like a character in a harlequin romance. Sorry to sound harsh but there's more to life than some lying cheating woman. You are wasting valuable time on a person who is probably a lesser person than your wife and this is stealing you from your kids, because even if you see your kids on a reg basis they can feel when their parents aren't really emotionally and mentally present. Sounds like you have been wallowing in the dirt of the OW for over six months now. Time to get your act together, get counselling if you need to. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fortunesfool 79 Posted August 10, 2015 Author Share Posted August 10, 2015 She was amicable about the divorce. She didn't want it split the family but she was amicable. We had gone to counseling several times and nothing seemed to get the spark back. We were just roomates. Gonna use my GI bill and go to school full time for RN. I was a medic in the military and u like helping others so. I have been going to the gym and taking long bike rides to try to get my mind off of it. I have been spending more time with the kids and less time staring at my phone. Thank you for what you said...it makes complete sense. I have been wallowing... Link to post Share on other sites
Starbright78 Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 My story is a lot like yours. I will be one month NC this month and am feeling it today for some reason. . It will get better with time although it doesn't seem like it right now. HUGS. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fortunesfool 79 Posted August 10, 2015 Author Share Posted August 10, 2015 My story is a lot like yours. I will be one month NC this month and am feeling it today for some reason. . It will get better with time although it doesn't seem like it right now. HUGS. Thank you starbright...have they tried to contact you at all during your NC? If you made it a month you can keep going be strong. You're not alone. Link to post Share on other sites
WMFelt73 Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 My story is a lot like yours. I will be one month NC this month and am feeling it today for some reason. . It will get better with time although it doesn't seem like it right now. HUGS. God bless SB. Its going to be ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Starbright78 Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 God bless SB. Its going to be ok. What is SB? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fortunesfool 79 Posted August 10, 2015 Author Share Posted August 10, 2015 Starbright I think Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 I'm so sorry. You sound like a nice guy. But let love happen naturally, don't go on cheating websites. Your purpose may have been innocent but not everyone is like you... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Zagan Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 You are bound to feel a lot of emotions right now, this woman was the first person to show you excitement and attraction and all the other things that come with the initial 'falling in love phaze' after you had been in an unhappy situation for a long time. You did the right thing by leaving your marriage rather than continuing to cheat as your kids will learn more from and respect you more as a father with morals than without. You sound like you have a lot to offer and it's unfortunate that some people are not what they initially seem, but it happens a lot. However, you really shouldn't have expected any less considering the nature of the website you met her on. It's a great idea for you to throw yourself into exercise and other activities to keep you occupied, working on these things will make you feel better about yourself, so in time you will realise you are worth a lot more than a serial cheat. Let people like that go and live their lives basking in the misery they create, she is the unhappy one. When you have slowly clawed your way out of your depression and feel better about yourself you will be in a position to meet somebody who appreciates you for everything you have to offer, instead of taking advantage of it. Good luck! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Sorry you had to go through all of that at the same time. You are a very strong person. Things will turn around for you soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fortunesfool 79 Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your thoughts and words of advice. She's texted me twice today and I have held with the NC. Your words and reading other posts on here have shown me how detrimental this was to me. It was only a year and look what I allowed myself to go through. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ifalltopieces Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Ending a marriage can be heart breaking and traumatic, but when your unhappy and not in love, there is no sense in holding on. You rarely hear of a MM actually leaving their marriages. I commend you for doing the right thing. Finally, a man with a backbone and conscious!!!!!!! As for the OW, what she did was terrible. I'm so sorry she hurt you like that. But, it's better to know now vs later when you have more invested. Your one of the few that have actually done the right thing...you have good karma coming your way. Watch and see..things will look up and you will be happy 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fortunesfool 79 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 Ending a marriage can be heart breaking and traumatic, but when your unhappy and not in love, there is no sense in holding on. You rarely hear of a MM actually leaving their marriages. I commend you for doing the right thing. Finally, a man with a backbone and conscious!!!!!!! As for the OW, what she did was terrible. I'm so sorry she hurt you like that. But, it's better to know now vs later when you have more invested. Your one of the few that have actually done the right thing...you have good karma coming your way. Watch and see..things will look up and you will be happy Thank you...I hope so...I could use some. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fortunesfool 79 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 My story is a lot like yours. I will be one month NC this month and am feeling it today for some reason. . It will get better with time although it doesn't seem like it right now. HUGS. Hope today was better for you Starbright. Just day four for me of NC. Trying to tear down the fake image I had of her in my mind and see her for what she was. This forum is helping a lot...Thanks again everyone 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starbright78 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Hope today was better for you Starbright. Just day four for me of NC. Trying to tear down the fake image I had of her in my mind and see her for what she was. This forum is helping a lot...Thanks again everyone Thanks for thinking of me. I have been doing so well but it seems the last few days have been nothing but triggers and it's been trying for me. Tomorrow is my one month anniversary of NC, maybe that's why. I keep thinking of him being on AM and how he moved on so easily, without even a fight. I just keep telling myself one day this will all be a memory that doesn't sting as much as it does now. One day at a time. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fortunesfool 79 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 Thanks for thinking of me. I have been doing so well but it seems the last few days have been nothing but triggers and it's been trying for me. Tomorrow is my one month anniversary of NC, maybe that's why. I keep thinking of him being on AM and how he moved on so easily, without even a fight. I just keep telling myself one day this will all be a memory that doesn't sting as much as it does now. One day at a time. She is still on AM too. I wish I had never gone on there and it makes me wonder about those that do it consistently. It's soul less and insane to want to live like that. I know now that I was in love with someone who never existed. It still hurts very much and I miss having someone but it was all in my head. The good times we had pop into my mind and i immediately think of how i felt at the end so i don't dwell on the moment. She sends me texts saying "Hi" and "Alive?" It just reminds me how callous and juvenile she is. Seeing how she seemed to operate I knew she would go without a fight. I know your pain....but part of me is glad she left without a fight because it would just make it harder to do what I know needs to be done. She can have AM...I want to be happy and sane again. Starting day five... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Starbright78 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 She is still on AM too. I wish I had never gone on there and it makes me wonder about those that do it consistently. It's soul less and insane to want to live like that. I know now that I was in love with someone who never existed. It still hurts very much and I miss having someone but it was all in my head. The good times we had pop into my mind and i immediately think of how i felt at the end so i don't dwell on the moment. She sends me texts saying "Hi" and "Alive?" It just reminds me how callous and juvenile she is. Seeing how she seemed to operate I knew she would go without a fight. I know your pain....but part of me is glad she left without a fight because it would just make it harder to do what I know needs to be done. She can have AM...I want to be happy and sane again. Starting day five... I'm sorry... I know yours has to be so much painful than mine. I wasn't in love but cared for him and we had contact of some sorts everyday for nearly two years. We never future faked but it still hurts none the less that he deceived me the way he did and couldn't even apologize after I ended it. It was a cold realization that I was nothing more than a notch in the bedpost and could be replaced very easily with the next. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fortunesfool 79 Posted August 13, 2015 Author Share Posted August 13, 2015 I'm sorry... I know yours has to be so much painful than mine. I wasn't in love but cared for him and we had contact of some sorts everyday for nearly two years. We never future faked but it still hurts none the less that he deceived me the way he did and couldn't even apologize after I ended it. It was a cold realization that I was nothing more than a notch in the bedpost and could be replaced very easily with the next. I am sorry Star....they're such a crappy situations. Glad i read the NC post about closure it helped a lot. She has never apologized either....she just kinda put on a pouty face and said "Look at what I have done to you" I am glad I was depressed and love sick at the time. The way I feel now I might have made a scene. We texted and skyped constantly and I still find myself staring at my phone looking for the blinking light. I realized today that if she did contact me and say she was leaving and everything I wanted to hear I wouldn't respond....I don't want it anymore and I don't like who I was with her...hope your day was good. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Starbright78 Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 I am sorry Star....they're such a crappy situations. Glad i read the NC post about closure it helped a lot. She has never apologized either....she just kinda put on a pouty face and said "Look at what I have done to you" I am glad I was depressed and love sick at the time. The way I feel now I might have made a scene. We texted and skyped constantly and I still find myself staring at my phone looking for the blinking light. I realized today that if she did contact me and say she was leaving and everything I wanted to hear I wouldn't respond....I don't want it anymore and I don't like who I was with her...hope your day was good. It sounds like you are on the right track and determined. Funny, I felt such a relief to no longer have to be chained to my phone to see if I had a message from him... A crumb because towards the end he was so busy it was usually just a hello and because I wanted the contact so bad I was glued waiting for the next 'crumb'. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Fortune, You have a good attitude about things and you'll do fine, but you're just in the very beginning and there will be some hard times ahead. You're right about keeping busy, go back to school, accomplish things and get plenty of exercise. As for AM and intending to go into an affair with a committed person, I can see that would have a LOT of risks, as you found out. That's probably a good site for folks that just want sex without commitment or feelings. A lot of us just can't do that. My situation has some similarities, in that I'm in the stage of forgetting about the OW now. I got involved with the OW after I had make a commitment to end my current marriage, which I did. I lived with the OW for over a year and had a major issue with her personality disorder which I couldn't solve, so I left her about 4 months ago, and that was hard. We did NC fairly early on after a few nasty texts, no talk, emails or seeing her since, and I occasionally think of her and it bothers me, however, I'm well on the road to recovery and she's mostly gone.... but I'm taking all the time I need. I also got back with the ex wife, as we both changed significantly, solved our issues and life has been pretty good, and progressing ok, with the occasional glitches. Time will heal. Also, your good attitude will help. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fortunesfool 79 Posted August 13, 2015 Author Share Posted August 13, 2015 Fortune, You have a good attitude about things and you'll do fine, but you're just in the very beginning and there will be some hard times ahead. You're right about keeping busy, go back to school, accomplish things and get plenty of exercise. As for AM and intending to go into an affair with a committed person, I can see that would have a LOT of risks, as you found out. That's probably a good site for folks that just want sex without commitment or feelings. A lot of us just can't do that. My situation has some similarities, in that I'm in the stage of forgetting about the OW now. I got involved with the OW after I had make a commitment to end my current marriage, which I did. I lived with the OW for over a year and had a major issue with her personality disorder which I couldn't solve, so I left her about 4 months ago, and that was hard. We did NC fairly early on after a few nasty texts, no talk, emails or seeing her since, and I occasionally think of her and it bothers me, however, I'm well on the road to recovery and she's mostly gone.... but I'm taking all the time I need. I also got back with the ex wife, as we both changed significantly, solved our issues and life has been pretty good, and progressing ok, with the occasional glitches. Time will heal. Also, your good attitude will help. Thanks Rover...very much appreciated. The more you all share the more encouraged I feel. I had to come reread the messages here a couple of times today. She gave me the full court press sent this message from two different email accounts I didn't know " l understand your upset with me and I deserve the treatment ...just wanted to say I miss u and I hope ur ok...i miss our friendship ...good luck with school." I blocked the new email accounts and kept it moving. I felt nauseous when I read it. Lifted, rode the hell outta my bike and hung out with sons. Needed to keep moving like I was a target. She has all these guys why keep bothering me? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fortunesfool 79 Posted August 13, 2015 Author Share Posted August 13, 2015 (edited) It sounds like you are on the right track and determined. Funny, I felt such a relief to no longer have to be chained to my phone to see if I had a message from him... A crumb because towards the end he was so busy it was usually just a hello and because I wanted the contact so bad I was glued waiting for the next 'crumb'. It was exactly the same here at the end Star...I knew what times her breaks at work were and when she got off. It all made me hate my phone... lol I hated that damm light. I laugh about it now but it wasn't funny....it was torture waiting on that light to blink...wouldn't wish it on anyone. Edited August 13, 2015 by Fortunesfool 79 spelling Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fortunesfool 79 Posted August 14, 2015 Author Share Posted August 14, 2015 Today has been tough...guess her emails yesterday got to me more than a thought. Hate how my feelings swing back and forth.... Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 Please ignore her emails. She is fishing to see if she still has you on the hook, you may be a plan B for her someday when the ego kibbles from other guys dwindle. She does not miss you obviously, she misses the attention and ego strokes. You know you could never go back to the way it was, you would never trust her again among other things . . Stay off AM, unless you want to be with a Cheater. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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