Why no contact after you finish with MM

[Katyp]

I have read a lot of posts where it is said when you finish with your MM they will keep trying to get you to break NC. What does it mean when they make no effort at all and they just disappear when you finish with them after 7 years? Does it mean they never really had any feelings for you after all? And also, I've read they usually become very cold towards you as well. Why is that?

[MidnightBlue1980]

I have read a lot of posts where it is said when you finish with your MM they will keep trying to get you to break NC. What does it mean when they make no effort at all and they just disappear when you finish with them after 7 years? Does it mean they never really had any feelings for you after all? And also, I've read they usually become very cold towards you as well. Why is that?

 

They are cold because it is how they will try to get over you. It is easier for them if they hate you. This is a quote from my husband for his xOW. He ignored her and was cold and mean. He also did it to help her move on. It does not mean they had no feelings for you. It means they are trying to let go and have you let go.

 

Typically though they come back. My xMM came back in 5 months. It can take a while and depends a lot on their life, who they are, and their personality. You are better off if he doesn't come back. I know you don't see it that way but you are, trust me.

 

What is your story?

[carhill]

I have read a lot of posts where it is said when you finish with your MM they will keep trying to get you to break NC.

Depends on the person. Some like or need that contact and it's important enough to them to continue seeking it. In general, men (MM's) are pragmatists. They do what works. Married ones demonstrate, generally, the ability to seek out, acquire and keep women so they use that skillset in affairs as well.

What does it mean when they make no effort at all and they just disappear when you finish with them after 7 years?

They've finished business. They chose to respect boundaries. The threat of loss of their family is prioritized over any potential desire for contact. On and on.

Does it mean they never really had any feelings for you after all?

If a continuing long-term affair, I doubt they felt nothing. It is possible, however, that they felt nothing when things ended. That happens in other LTR's and M's as well. Affairs are another form of relationship so subject to the same emotional content and style.

And also, I've read they usually become very cold towards you as well. Why is that?

Neutral can seem cold after loving. In reality, it's just neutral, like they, or you, or I, feel about billions of other people in world, meaning we don't feel anything. That's not cold, rather normal and neutral. Why they do that is particular to them but IME it's the same as any other ending. I experienced it when my exW and I got divorced. We both moved on. That's life!

[ChickiePops]

If they're reconciling with their wives then perhaps it's because it would be horribly cruel and disrespectful.

[Friskyone4u]

Katy

 

Just trying to answer your original question.

 

Men enter affairs for SEX . They try to get you to break NC because they are fishing to see if more sex is available.

 

Now you say you are done with OM after 7 years. I am guessing that you broke it off with him because he would not leave wife and you finally had enough.

 

If he has now totally gone ghost on you, it is for one of a few reasons

 

(1) his wife or partner has him believing she will get rid of him if he does not

(2) he has another plaything

(3) he believes when you broke it off that he is not getting in your pants any more.

 

He is not gone ghost on you because he is a white knight of such great character that he wants what is best for you

[Grey Cloud]

If he is no longer getting ego boosts then maybe he is giving you the silent treatment. Or maybe he has gone "finally I don't need to lead a double life anymore" so there is a sense of relief. Once this feeling wears off he might try and come back for the ego boost but if he thinks it won't be forthcoming he may find another OW. Let's hope for the sake of his wife he is working on his marriage and focusing his efforts on her!

[Poppy47]

You told him no more. He has taken you at your word? Do you want him to run after you?

 

Were you serious, is just trying to get his attention ?

 

Have you been NC before?

Poppy.

[loveisanaction]

I think after an affair ends men are able to move on a little more easily because they take the affair what it was….an affair. I think men are more logical whereas women are more romantic. Most women become very attached during an affair and eventually begin to foresee a real future with her affair partner. Most men on the other hand will see the affair for what it is. It’s not that the married man didn’t care about his other woman (especially an affair that lasted for 7 years) it’s just that he’s more logical so he understands that the affair was what it was; something great that he shared with another woman.

 

I honestly think that with most men there are no hard feelings after the affair has ended, not so for the other woman, most of them become very enraged, very sad, very depressed and very angry. That’s because after a while many of them began to want more than just an affair.

[Lobe]

As a BS, I expected my husband to go NC for two reasons. While you might think one of them is jealousy or insecurity on my part, the first reason was because my husband needed to show me respect. The second is because it's a BREAK UP. When you get dumped, the dumper nor the dumpee can be emotional support for the other party because it is a BREAK UP. Neither party can move on and start healing until contact ends. It would have been every bit as cruel to her for him to lead xOW on as it would have been to expect me to be OK with him being her support system.

 

From what I've read here on LS, threats of NC are often just a component of the push-pull factor that makes the affair so addictive when there hasn't been a d-day... the idea of going NC is not to break up but to reset the chase...

[Katyp]

Hi guys. Thanks for the replies. Very interesting to read. My affair happened a very long time ago. I always knew he would never leave his wife and I didn't want him anyway as I knew he couldn't be trusted with other women. I was only about 23/24 at the time. He showed his feelings and put way more effort into the relationship than I did. I just got to the point where I wanted to see more of him so I told him and then I finished with him instead. He wanted to meet up to discuss it but I didn't see the point. He immediately turned cold and became very irritated with me and I didn't know how to handle it. We used to spend lots of evenings sitting by the fireside at a pub just chatting and laughing in general.He never contacted me again after I finished with him so I knew I had done the right thing. I had always looked at that affair as a very good friendship but reading these boards has opened my eyes to it all so I thank you all for that. Now I see I was his guilty secret. I don't care anymore though. He is still married to the same wife so is still living a lie.He used to say some unkind things to me as I was completely on my own at the time and had lots of problems that I was coping with on my own. He used to say if he met me years later my life would still be in a mess. However I have been married for many years and neither of us have had an affair which is more than he can say.

[Katyp]

My MM was the romantic and emotional one - I wasn't. I always kept him at a distance as I knew nothing could or would ever come of our affair. I was single at the time and knew my MM couldn't be trusted. MM who have affairs don't know the meaning of the word respect and it shows how weak they are as a person when they have an affair.