Sometimes it actually works out!

[Ahappyending]

7 years ago I came here to this place. I was in a new relationship with a married man that I worked with. I came here and told my story and how devastated I was feeling. I came here in the hope there might be some kind words from other women in the same position.

 

Whilst I got a couple of nice replies, the majority of them were harsh, bitter words. You made me feel like rubbish. I was so upset. I told you he was in a very unhappy relationship.......you told me that's what they all say. I told you he would leave his wife.....you told me he never would. I told you that I was so in love, and that he felt the same....you told me he was lying.

 

I never returned, until now.

 

For once in my life I followed my heart. I didn't listen to the unsympathetic replies I received here. I had faith that actually not all men are lying pigs.

 

And guess what....he wasn't a lying pig.

 

He actually was in a very unhappy relationship. Him and his wife had been pretty much living seperate lives and only staying together for the sake of their 3 year old daughter.

 

7 months into our relationship, he left his wife and moved in with me.

 

His wife had been having a relationship with someone else too.

 

My partner and I have now been together for 6 years and we have a 4 year old daughter together.

 

He remained an excellent father to his eldest daughter (my now stepdaughter) and she stays with us 3 days a week. She's now 10 years old and we get on great.

 

I get on with my partners ex now, and she often contacts me rather than him to make arrangements for their daughter and birthday parties etc. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all plain sailing at first but 6 years later everyone has moved on. His ex also has a new child with her new partner, the house was sold a couple of years after the split....and basically we are all pulling in the same direction for the sake of their daughter and making sure she is happy.

 

So anyway, basically I just want to say to anyone that is reading this and feeling the turmoil and heartache that I felt back then.....that if you really truly believe that the married person you are seeing is worth it, and that they are genuine, and you know deep down in your heart that they're the one.....don't give up hope.

 

Follow your heart and your gut.

 

By all means, if the relationship is making you totally miserable and unhappy and is affecting your life in a bad way, then you shouldn't be in it....BUT, if it makes your life richer and happier.....hang in there for a while....give it a chance....you may be surprised.....

[BluesPower]

Ahappyending, I for one am happy for you...

 

While I was not around for your original posts you should understand that you are really lucky that it worked out.

 

You are actually in about the 001% percentile of affairs that have worked out. I am happy when love conquers all, but you should realize how lucky you are that it worked out.

 

I for one have left a string of broken hearted OM's out there and I did not lie to any of them. It took me a long time to realize how much they were falling in love and how much damage I was leaving in my wake before I realized what a jerk I was.

 

Consider yourself one of the lucky ones and good luck with the future...,

[ana889]

Can you post your former story here? I'd like to read what happened. And i'm so glad it worked for you

[Hummingbird17]

I am so glad it worked out for you.

 

I too am now married to my ex MM. We have a child together too and are very happy. His ex is still single but has a boyfriend type person. However I still tell posters to be very cautious when they come here. I think for the most part we are the exception to the rule and most don't actually leave.

 

I feel like some see our stories and have hope that keeps them in relationships that are awful whether the guy is married or not. Actions actions actions.

 

Sounds like things are going good for you and I'm happy for you!

[eye of the storm]

OP. I am happy things worked out for you.

 

Its like winning the lottery. So many things have to be lining up. The WS has to be in an exit A or get kicked out. The WS usually then wants to be single for awhile and normally dumps the AP. But might pick them. Then one and/or both of the APs need to not repeat the behaviors that were in effect during the WS's M.

 

There was cheating and lying going on. Damaging behaviors.

 

Most APs that ended up married, discuss the issues they went thru. Trust, communication, counseling, time. You skim over all that.

 

APs in the middle of an A will grasp at any straw. We will believe the most outlandish lies. We will ignore the most obvious facts. Anything that doesn't go along with our narrative is ignored.

 

I am happy you story worked out. But please be careful making it sound like a fairy tale.

 

Some people win the powerball lottery. Most just end up wasting their money. In other words...horrible odds. Does it happen? Yes. Is it likely? No.

[eye of the storm]

I feel like some see our stories and have hope that keeps them in relationships that are awful whether the guy is married or not. Actions actions actions.

 

This^^^ Actions only trust actions

[Tayla]

Appreciate your turn of events. Not sure how to support .. Perhaps you can clarify your intent for better understanding.

Edited November 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lady2163]

I do think a lot more of these relationships work out than what we see on here. Happy, contented people don't post as often as unhappy people. I've been out of my affair for almost three years now and I just don't identify as an "other woman" normally.

 

Congrats and best wishes.

Edited November 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[goodyblue]

Yes, sometimes it does work out. But it takes just that: work. And therapy and trudging through his divorce and forgiving yourselves and getting over the guilt.

 

We are happy together. But we had to work to get here. I wish we had not dated until he had separated, it would have been so much easier.

 

But I can't complain because we really are a happy pair.

 

Good luck with your future, I hope things stay as smooth sailing as they are now. Xx

[freengreen]

I have a friend , her story ended well. There werent kids involved but now they got a kid together. All going well. The mans exwife is also settled.

 

Sometimes it all works out, yes. I am happy for her.

 

But I know I kinda almost messed up what was already 'worked out and ready' for me. So many different people, and mostly people ready to use you on your first slip of your foot.

 

As long as people keep it least hurting and find ways for a fair play I think I am good. Glad you found your way .

 

On the empathy here, I think I expected a bit too much too but its a forum, and it will effect you only if you let it to, just like everything else /everyone else in this world.

[SnowBaby]

I was the unknowing "other woman" to my now husband. I found out years later that he was living with someone else when we met and first started dating. He knew from the start that I did not date attached men, period.

 

After I found out it affected my relationship with him. I actually lost a good deal of respect and trust for him. I can't imagine going into my relationship actually knowing how he was a cheater.

 

If he did that to his ex, what happens when he gets bored or unhappy with you? What do you do to prevent the cheating.

 

For myself, I have set boundaries, set with the help of a counselor. I have instituted a zero tolerance policy. He can't have any opposite sex friends. I have all of his passwords and complete access to his phone. If I see anything that I would consider cheating, such as a weird text, I told him that it is over, and he would be receiving divorce papers via courier.

 

I personally hate that I have to be this, but he did cheat on his ex. I wouldn't consider myself "lucky" because I married someone who knowingly cheated on his wife.

[cocorico]

I was the unknowing "other woman" to my now husband. I found out years later that he was living with someone else when we met and first started dating. He knew from the start that I did not date attached men, period.

 

After I found out it affected my relationship with him. I actually lost a good deal of respect and trust for him. I can't imagine going into my relationship actually knowing how he was a cheater.

 

If he did that to his ex, what happens when he gets bored or unhappy with you? What do you do to prevent the cheating.

 

For myself, I have set boundaries, set with the help of a counselor. I have instituted a zero tolerance policy. He can't have any opposite sex friends. I have all of his passwords and complete access to his phone. If I see anything that I would consider cheating, such as a weird text, I told him that it is over, and he would be receiving divorce papers via courier.

 

I personally hate that I have to be this, but he did cheat on his ex. I wouldn't consider myself "lucky" because I married someone who knowingly cheated on his wife.

 

..and on you, from the above, by not telling our he was living with someone else.

 

I can't imagine R such as the one you describe, full of distrust, needing to police your partner and keep him under lockdown like that. I'd sooner have dumped him the moment I discovered he'd lied to me than continued with a R I felt I needed to monitor in this way.

[seekingtruth1234]

People come to these boards for different reasons. And like several posters have said, a large portion of the sentiment about affairs is very negative, perhaps rightfully so. But many people have hope and are looking for what's possible and want to both learn and share experiences.

 

You can't make a blanket statement about anything. Can't say no affairs work. Can't say all MM are pigs and won't leave their wives. Can't say all APs are scum sucking, bottom feeders that want to break up a marriage. Situations are different.

 

For me, both my AP and I were married when we started. She divorced first, was physically abused and disrespected with a mostly absent husband and father. I was running through the motions, wasn't happy, hadn't had sex in years, fought often, but held things in. I always say my AP could've been anyone, yes, I was looking for attention at first, someone that appreciated me.

 

Over time my AP and I grew closer and closer, as often happens. And I realized I could be and have the right to be happy. After 3 years, my AP and I have gone through a lot of issues, not with us, but with family and friends. But we continue to communicate and work together to try to get to our end game, which is a life together. We broke up several times and it was during those times that i knew I would never go back to my BS, even if things ended permanently with my AP. That helped with the guilt I had, which is important. Guilt always plays a part, but you need to look deep inside, listen to yourself and not so much other people. Therapy helped. I've got a better relationship with my kids now and I can look myself in the mirror. I cam close to finalizing my divorce, doing all I can to make sure my BS is taken care of.

 

There will be a lot of work going forward and certainly more challenges, communication and opens with all parties is key. An easier road might be to try to find another woman besides my AP, but I personally don't want easy, I want happy. So affairs can work in the end, but require constant work and attention to many people.

[Tashcw]

I find this post fascinating as I too am nearly 7 years together with my xMM, expecting a child in the next 4 weeks, have bonded with his stepson and get on well with his ex.

 

However, I was in a previous affair with another MM for over 18 months which was horrendous and tore me apart.

 

Having been on both sides, I would offer advice to people that most certainly isn't, "hang on". The best advice I have is judge by actions and ignore words. My first MM was full of gushing words, tears and promises that never amounted to anything. He would paint an amazing picture of how our life would be, however excuse after excuse mounted up as to why he couldn't leave his wife.

 

Second time was completely different. No painted picture of happiness, but shock and realisation of what was happening. We had only kissed once (although admittedly had been in an emotional affair for about 8 weeks) when he said, very seriously, that he could no longer make it work with his wife and he would be leaving her. Even if we didn't work out, he had to do this as he could no longer face his current relationship. He left her 4 weeks later and we spent time apart before getting together again later down the line.

 

Speaking to others, these seem to be the general themes. The affairs that seem to work out seem to be:

 

- Swiftly resolved ie one or both partners leave within a matter of week / months

- Practically thought out, with a focus of realistic options and lives, rather than being spun a fairytale

- Timelines discussed from the start

- The MM / MW not bouncing from one relationship to another, but gaining clarity that their current relationship is absolutely not what they want, regardless of what may come in the future

- The MM / MW making actions of their own accord. No deadlines or ultimatums in place.

 

Therefore, for those hoping their affair will work out, I wouldn't say "hang in there", I'd say "how much of the above list relates to you currently?"

 

note: I am not, not ever was, proud of either of these and never imagined I would end up a mistress. I would also never encourage it. I realise I am one of the 'lucky' ones, however be careful what you wish for. I love my NOW husband dearly, but we have had some very tough times. Divorces are not pretty and guilt is an emotion that will always stay.

[Lady2163]

This isn't the least bit scientific, but I'm finding it more and more common with people in their 60s and 70s who had a second marriage where the relationship started before the first marriage was over. Literally, three couples I've known my whole life....I just found out about in the last few days. They went on to be happy and didn't have any more kids. One couple did relocate all of miles away. Two of the couples have church leaders in them and two other people are community leaders....so four out of the six are regarded highly....

 

The one that will blow my mind is my 90 year old aunt who was married for 60 years to her second husband and it started out as an affair. I didn't even know he wasn't her one and only. The day they moved to the nursing home they were both excited to find out their shower was oversized and they could shower together......

[minimariah]

I find this post fascinating...

 

great post!

[William]

Since this thread went down a bad road, we'll leave this one closed for the now.

 

If Ahappyending decides to return to update they can request the thread reopened via the "ALERT US" button on this post ~T