niteandfog Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 I'll try to keep it short. this man hunted me down (through social media). It all started flirty and we even sexted. but the more we know each other the more it becomes mellow and romantic and less and less "sexy". We've said a few "i love yous" here and there, we've kissed. He keeps telling me I helped him find "his voice" again, that I'm the closest thing he's had to a best friend in a long time... If it was only sex, I would have already given it to him (and he knows this), what would he get out telling me all of this? the connection is genuine, it really is. But what does he actually want? Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 (edited) what does he actually want? Hi (((niteandfog))) If he's anything like me (MM who had a year-long affair a few years back), he wants fun, sex, romance, fantasy, excitement, escapism and to be made to feel young, sexy, virile, desirable and handsome again. Does he have genuine feelings for you? Quite possibly, but men are good at compartmentalising. He may well have feelings for you and still be happy in his marriage and love his wife. Also, even though he may have feelings for you, he may well also be spinning you a web of lies to keep you where he wants you. After all, you already know he must be spinning his wife a web of lies. Why not you too? Will he leave his marriage for you? Almost certainly not. Just read around here. Most MM have an awful lot to lose in giving up their marriage and if they are forced to choose, they will stay put - even if they have feelings for OW. You are likely a sexy, exciting fantasy escape from the mundane, "normalness" of his everyday life. Having you on the side makes up for the lack of excitement elsewhere in his life - stressful job, house, bills to pay, raising kids, etc. He is having his cake and eating it too. We see it a lot here. I was once an example of this myself. How long has this been going on? Are you in love with him? Proceed with EXTREME caution here. These things rarely end well. The longer it goes on, the more potential hurt there is. My advice is to turn around 180 degrees and keep walking in the other direction. You are standing on a very dangerous precipice here. Heartbreak for several people is almost guaranteed if you proceed on the path you are now on. Don't allow yourself to be his side-piece. You deserve a man who can give you 100%...as does his wife. His hunting of you is another red flag - he sounds predatory and manipulative. Over two years after the end of my affair, we are just about starting to recover now. The aftermath of an affair is devastating to all players. It's not worth it. Good luck niteandfog and keep posting! Edit: Sorry, I missed on my first read that you are married too. So where does yourt H fit into this? Do you love him? Does he love you? Would he be devastated to know that you are involved with a married man? Are there kids involved on either side? The more people involved, the bigger the potential train crash. End this affair as soon as you can. No judgement from me as I had an affair too. When I talk of the heartbreak and devastation that comes out of these things, I speak from bitter, painful experience. Affairs can be such fun, such a high, such a rush of hormones...and then the whole world becomes a living nightmare when it hits the fan - and it usually does. Edited November 7, 2017 by jenkins95 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 He wants sex... Don't fool yourself. Your question is - "how to know he's not lying?" Darling, if he's married and he's chasing another woman, he's lying... He's lying to his wife, he's lying to you, he's lying... To cheat, is to lie. Stop this before you get in so deep, you can't get out. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 What do you think he wants? He wants a full on PA. Don't be ridiculous or naïve. There is not guarantee that he hasn't done this before or that he will leave his wife for you. Since you are already sexting another man, saying I love you & Kissing him, don't you think it's time you saw a divorce lawyer to give your poor spouse from relief from your lies? When you said you would love him forever, forsake all others etc. your actions now make those vows lies. So either get this other guy completely out of your life while there's some small chance your spouse will forgive you or just get out of your failed marriage. Don't hop into this other guy's bed while your spouse has no idea. Cheating is wrong. Take the more honorable route. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 the connection is genuine, it really is. Says every person involved in an extra-marital affair..... 17 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 Says every person involved in an extra-marital affair..... It's exactly what me and my xOW said.........and that led to a train crash too. They nearly always do in the end. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted November 7, 2017 Author Share Posted November 7, 2017 My H is emotionally abusive. So yes, I'll divorce him. I'll tell him right after Christmas. Not only that but we have nothing in common, we never did. I got pregnant and we had to get married it is that simple. We both have children, we often talk about them. And yes I know EVERYTHING sounds like a cliche. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 Keep some distance with your MM until after new years' then. It will help you get a better handle on his intentions. After you official separate from your husband you can do what you need to do to find happiness in your own life. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 My H is emotionally abusive. So yes, I'll divorce him. I'll tell him right after Christmas. Not only that but we have nothing in common, we never did. I got pregnant and we had to get married it is that simple. We both have children, we often talk about them. And yes I know EVERYTHING sounds like a cliche. I really feel for you if you are in abusive marriage - that's tough and I totally understand you wanting to get out. The trouble is, if you leave to go straight to the MM, then you may become the bad guy in the eyes of all your family and friends. Surely far better to end things with the MM while you end the marriage for the right reasons with no external influences. A year or so down the line, if you are still interested, you could check up on the MM. If he's divorced and still interested, then there's nothing to stop you. But please do things in the right order. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 (edited) My H is emotionally abusive. So yes, I'll divorce him. I'll tell him right after Christmas. Not only that but we have nothing in common, we never did. I got pregnant and we had to get married it is that simple. We both have children, we often talk about them. And yes I know EVERYTHING sounds like a cliche. Never a good plan to go from one relationship to another. It doesn't give you enough time to evaluate and learn about your new partner.... You could, in fact, jump from one hasty relationship to another. You could in time, regret the new relationship just as you have come to regret your marriage. Divorce your husband. Take some time for yourself. Then, look around for a partner who is going to be a good partner, for you and your child. The simple truth is; if he is married, he is not available to you. Edited November 7, 2017 by BaileyB 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted November 7, 2017 Author Share Posted November 7, 2017 yes I know. i don't even want to e in a relationship. But my MM has shown me that out there, there are more compatible men than my own H. And yes it's laughable and cliched... but we both share the same love for music (exactly the same type, we listen to it in the same way and everything). I've always connected with my closest friends through music (not my H, so yes that was a big mistake). Music was/is also a big part of his life (he was in band) and neither of us knew this about each other. and we're both runners, we met through running, and given that i spend 12-13 hr of my week running this is also a big deal to me. I'm not going to call him my soulmate, because that's beyond cliched and cheesy, but objectively we're very compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
jah526 Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 I'm not going to call him my soulmate, because that's beyond cliched and cheesy, but objectively we're very compatible. Anyone who is married to someone else is almost by definition incompatible. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 Well nite, ALL of us on this forum are going to tell you to run the other way. Whether you stay with your H or not. Thing is, you won't. Been there, done that...though I didn't know LS existed when my A started but wouldn't have taken the advice anyway...so not judging you at all. It is SO hard to let go. Xmm and I shared the same sense of humour, love of sports, music, volunteering, we were equally matched in how we dressed, commanded a room of peers, kids same age, same same same. It doesn't matter! He is still with his W and I am alone. My xH and I were not well matched either but now...looking back...wish I would have done a whole lotta things differently. I'm now on a learning journey. Take care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 If his lips are moving... Then he is lying. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted November 7, 2017 Author Share Posted November 7, 2017 Is it so wrong thatI want it to believe the connection is true? My marriage is dead anyways. I know I would have cheated before if I'ever had the chance. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 It's not "wrong" (except morally because he's married). You want love & acceptance that doesn't exist in your marriage. Wanting that is normal & human However, you probably won't find what you seek with this MM. Loving the same music is not the same as him being willing to leave his wife for you. Remember you are leaving your husband is because your husband is a bad guy, you aren't leaving him for the MM. Therefore you can't assume your MM will leave his wife for you, no matter what sweet words he says now while he's trying to get in your pants. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 You asked a question, And it has been answered. Now, if your marriage is dead, file for divorce, unless he pays all of the bills and you don't work to provide for yourself. Which makes cheating even worse if it could be. Listen, going where you are going with this married man is not where you want to be. I am sure that he is handsome and sexy and he is filling up your ego basket will all of the ILY's and "you are so beautiful" and "you are so sexy", yada, yada, yada. And you may in fact be all of those things. But... It is all complete BS. He wants to get laid. If you want to know if he is serious and wants to be with you, tell him to file for divorce and bring you an official copy of the divorce petition. If you want to get divorced, then do it, and keep to the high ground and then you can find a single guy that will be yours... Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 "Is it so wrong thatI want it to believe the connection is true? " I guess I don't know what you mean by that really. You fancy each other and you have some things in common. That isn't unusual TBH. The rest of it might just be good sales technique on his part. Who knows? But your job now is to take care of your marriage for better or worse. Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 By the way running clubs seem to be good places to get an extramarital ...ahem... 'connection'. I think it's to do with the exhilaration of a run, the runners high, the sharing of the nervousness/excitement preparing for a race, the fact that if spouses don't run they can never really 'get it' or join you in your hobby. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted November 7, 2017 Author Share Posted November 7, 2017 It is all complete BS. He wants to get laid. But I made it clear at the start that I was up for it, so NO real need for the sweet talking. and yes, "running club affairs" seem to be somewhat common. It is not the first time I hear about them. and yes, we're an odd lot we seem to think that only other runners "get us". Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 He lies to you every time he talks to you. Separate the two issues. He will not leave his family for you. You are a side piece. If he gets a D, he will be poor with child support and alimony. having an exit affair is the worst way to end your marriage. You murder the marriage and there is destruction everywhere. even for the innocent kids. So stop being his free sex on the side. and if your marriage is bad, file for D, but do not add the horror of an A to the end of your marriage. Just divorce. and stop being his free side peace. You are not his only free side peace. He has several and get tested for stds. wonderful way to file for D is to give your H an std. okay, he always uses a condom and you are not pregnant from the OM. He will fun fast from you if you get pregnant. He lies to you to get sex. You are only there for his sexual needs along with his wife and his other friends. Good luck to your kids. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 It's not wrong to want the connection to be real, but what you have to realize is that because your marriage is broken you were vulnerable for any kind of attention. This man isn't special, could have been anyone. It's not him you want, it's the escape, mixed with the hope of a better relationship and love. Trust me, you aren't finding it with him. I wasn't in a four year affair. If I could have ran the other way, I would have flew. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 And yes, he wants sex. He hunted you down and pursued you. Men don't do that forfriendship. The I love yous after such a short time are so typical. It's all textbook affair. I was in my affair for four eats and we never said I love you. I didn't think it was right to say it if we were with other people. Almost made t seek worse, as ridiculous as it sounds. I don't believe all affairs are the same and I don't believe all MM just use their affair partners and don't have feelings. However yours seems like the classic MM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted November 7, 2017 Author Share Posted November 7, 2017 The only thing that redeems him from my suspicions of him being a serial cheater is that he's a proper loner. He has no friends. He stays at home every single weekend. For his bday, he went out but after he came back he just stayed in his bedroom. I've seen him in social situations at the running club, he's clearly uncomfortable, and would rather look at the ground. He doesn't hide this at all.. That's not how I picture a casanova... Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 The only thing that redeems him from my suspicions of him being a serial cheater is that he's a proper loner. He has no friends. He stays at home every single weekend. For his bday, he went out but after he came back he just stayed in his bedroom. I've seen him in social situations at the running club, he's clearly uncomfortable, and would rather look at the ground. He doesn't hide this at all.. That's not how I picture a casanova... I'm not sure what difference it makes whether or not he's a "serial" cheater. He's still a married man. Does he have children? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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