MW with MM for 1 1/2 years.....

[FITT5559]

I am a MW having an affair with a MM. This has been going on for 1 1/2 years.

 

Here is my story...In April of 2017 my husband was away on a business trip. I needed to look in his email account to pay a bill. He gave me his password and I logged in. While I was looking for the bill, I came across an email from Craigslist. I opened it and it was a response for an ad that he posted looking for a same sex hookup in the city he was in.

 

I have to say that I was not shocked. I always suspected that my husband was at least bisexual. But I was angry and my suspicions were confirmed. I kept thinking, how many same-sex affairs has he had throughout our 35+ years of marriage?

 

I immediately went onto CL to see what this was all about. I had never been on that website ever before. I went in the personals looking for m4m and saw "platonic m4w". I clicked on it, saw an ad for "marriage advice needed" and the rest is history.

 

We hit it off immediately. The farce of marriage advice only lasted a few days before we were emailing and flirting and having a fun time. I surprisingly had no guilt whatsoever, I felt like I deserved to have this fun. I felt like if my husband hadn't posted his ad, then this would not be happening. And for MM, this was not his first rodeo.

 

Looking back, I realize that we were having an emotional affair. He kept saying that it was just email and he wasn't doing anything wrong?! I guess he needed to believe that. He kept asking to meet but I wasn't ready yet and kept putting him off.

 

We eventually did meet, 2 months later, and all that chemistry that we felt during our emailing was confirmed. There was an instant connection. We started a PA immediately, I felt compelled to have sex with him because my husband had betrayed me.

 

I never thought it would last for more than a couple of meetups. One and a half years later, here we are. In love and lust...all the feelings...emotional bonding, etc. Neither one of us have any desire to leave our marriages and families. In the beginning of our affair, we would say how we would like to be a couple if we were single and that we had fantasies of being together that way. But that died down after awhile and we were both happy with our arrangement.

 

I can say without a doubt that this man loves me very much. He would be devastated if I left him. He is a sensitive man who always put his needs on the back burner. I fill his emotional and sexual needs. He allows me to feel desired, something that I haven't felt in over 35 years and was unaware that I was missing.

 

However, lately I have been feeling like I want to end this affair. I've been in IC since I started the affair. I've been thinking that I want to confront my husband with what I found, with the help of a CC, and deal with the fallout. I need to say that my husband is a wonderful man, great provider, terrific father, and my best friend. The problem is that I am afraid of not having MM in my life anymore as I have come to rely on his love and friendship and I don't want to hurt him either.

 

So what are your thoughts? I appreciate you taking the time to read this and responding.

Edited November 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix and clarify title

[DKT3]

Are you planning on confessing your affair with your confrontation?

[FITT5559]

I am thinking that I should admit everything?!

[DKT3]

I am thinking that I should admit everything?!

 

I'm thinking you should have in the beginning. I'm guessing if you haven't misread the situation with your husband it may have been a situation where you two could have expanded your sexual scope within the marriage, doing so with the lying and hiding and obvious guilt even through you claim you don't have any. Your guilt is visible in your writing, guilt =need to justify. You have done alot of justification in that one post.

[Artdeco]

You know of course that you’re pretty much living a lie, by having an affair, and by knowing what your H might have been up to, without telling him that you know. And you also don’t want to leave him. If you feel so strongly for your H, in terms of the existing family bond and friendship, could you tell him what you know and ask for an open relationship? That way, provided he’s on board, you could maintain the M, but with full transparency. I think based on what you said in your opening post, this would be your best option. Sounds like you get along fine with your H on a personal level. How would your MM feel about that?

[FITT5559]

I'm thinking you should have in the beginning. I'm guessing if you haven't misread the situation with your husband it may have been a situation where you two could have expanded your sexual scope within the marriage, doing so with the lying and hiding and obvious guilt even through you claim you don't have any. Your guilt is visible in your writing, guilt =need to justify. You have done alot of justification in that one post.

 

Oh, I very much feel guilty...but justified as well...unusual combination. My IC has asked me on numerous occasions why I didn't confront my husband when I found it. My response is always the same...I didn't want to embarrass him, I didn't want him to know that I knew his secret. MY H is a proud man and I feel he would have felt that he let him family down. But now look at this mess!

[FITT5559]

You know of course that you’re pretty much living a lie, by having an affair, and by knowing what your H might have been up to, without telling him that you know. And you also don’t want to leave him. If you feel so strongly for your H, in terms of the existing family bond and friendship, could you tell him what you know and ask for an open relationship? That way, provided he’s on board, you could maintain the M, but with full transparency. I think based on what you said in your opening post, this would be your best option. Sounds like you get along fine with your H on a personal level. How would your MM feel about that?

 

I would love if my H and I could have an open marriage. I don't know how he would feel about this...he usually can't think outside the box. But in this situation, maybe he can? I believe that MM would be on board.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS....

 

I always suspected that my husband was at least bisexual. But I was angry and my suspicions were confirmed. I kept thinking, how many same-sex affairs has he had throughout our 35+ years of marriage?

Yup, the mind jumps, even with no evidence of actual acts.

 

We hit it off immediately. The farce of marriage advice only lasted a few days before we were emailing and flirting and having a fun time. I surprisingly had no guilt whatsoever, I felt like I deserved to have this fun. I felt like if my husband hadn't posted his ad, then this would not be happening. And for MM, this was not his first rodeo.

Married people, especially successful ones, know how to play the relationship game. Once you/he go into mating game, it just flows. Perfectly normal.

 

Looking back, I realize that we were having an emotional affair. He kept saying that it was just email and he wasn't doing anything wrong?! I guess he needed to believe that. He kept asking to meet but I wasn't ready yet and kept putting him off.

Easiest way to know for sure whether inappropriate or not would be to show your respective correspondence to your spouses and let them decide. They're the arbiters of what behaviors are appropriate, just as you are with your husbands apparent ads for male sex hookups. Water long under the bridge now.

 

We eventually did meet, 2 months later, and all that chemistry that we felt during our emailing was confirmed. There was an instant connection. We started a PA immediately, I felt compelled to have sex with him because my husband had betrayed me.

Classic revenge action, even without apparent evidence of any actual sex on your H's part. Just the solicitation was enough justification. Seen this many times with MW's. Some are just 'horny'. Happens.

 

I never thought it would last for more than a couple of meetups. One and a half years later, here we are. In love and lust...all the feelings...emotional bonding, etc. Neither one of us have any desire to leave our marriages and families.

Also very common. If all affairs were transparent it'd likely be shocking how much stuff is going on out there. The more effectively the married people can compartmentalize, the longer and more satisfying it can be. That's part of why affairs work best between married people of a similar mindset, that they're not leaving, or they're both exiting. Single people are a crapshoot. Usually more trouble.

 

In the beginning of our affair, we would say how we would like to be a couple if we were single and that we had fantasies of being together that way. But that died down after awhile and we were both happy with our arrangement.

A film of a play, first seen when relatively young, popularized one version of it; it was called 'Same Time, Next Year'

 

I can say without a doubt that this man loves me very much. He would be devastated if I left him. He is a sensitive man who always put his needs on the back burner. I fill his emotional and sexual needs. He allows me to feel desired, something that I haven't felt in over 35 years and was unaware that I was missing.

If he's a serial, he's not putting his needs on the back burner, rather using women, mutually of course, to satisfy his needs. Quickest way to find out is to end the sexual part and go purely emotional. He'd be gone in a week. Try it and see. Think he'll be there for you emotionally without that grunting goodness of oral or PIV sex? Nuh, uh, outta there. Not saying that's wrong, it's just how serials are.

 

With long experience I know exactly how to play the desired card to get into a woman's pants. Had a MW tell me just last week that 'things are different after 30 years' when I was inquiring why it was so hard to show a modicum of affection on a daily basis. I guess because I was only married ten I don't get it. OK.

 

However, lately I have been feeling like I want to end this affair. I've been in IC since I started the affair. I've been thinking that I want to confront my husband with what I found, with the help of a CC, and deal with the fallout. I need to say that my husband is a wonderful man, great provider, terrific father, and my best friend. The problem is that I am afraid of not having MM in my life anymore as I have come to rely on his love and friendship and I don't want to hurt him either.

Choice is power. You've got an apparently stable home and the choice for some fun when feeling in the mood. That kind of choice is power. It's hard to give up.

 

Whatever became of your H's bi/homo sexuality? Any followup over the last year and a half. Catch him with any lovers? You covered that but didn't elaborate....

 

So what are your thoughts? I appreciate you taking the time to read this and responding.

No problem. Been here a long time and am the primary moderator for the infidelity areas. Affairs are tough. They rarely end well, though I have seen some positive outcomes in real life with people of the right mindset for affairs. IME, the most difficult part, if ending, is the acceptance of that and finishing the business, not leaving extraneous strings that never get tied up. Treat it like a death, grieve it and move on.

 

What have you tasked your IC with? IC's work your personal tasks without regard to any other consideration and that may include your marriage. I year and a half of IC, presuming regular attendance, is a lot of sessions. What work is getting done in there?

[DKT3]

Oh, I very much feel guilty...but justified as well...unusual combination. My IC has asked me on numerous occasions why I didn't confront my husband when I found it. My response is always the same...I didn't want to embarrass him, I didn't want him to know that I knew his secret. MY H is a proud man and I feel he would have felt that he let him family down. But now look at this mess!

 

I dont know, I don't know your husband, but I know human behavior. There are ways you could have communicated without coming across as harsh. I don't get this is a deal breaker for you, in fact it seems like you've accepted this about him even before you found the ad.

[FITT5559]

"If he's a serial, he's not putting his needs on the back burner, rather using women, mutually of course, to satisfy his needs. Quickest way to find out is to end the sexual part and go purely emotional. He'd be gone in a week. Try it and see. Think he'll be there for you emotionally without that grunting goodness of oral or PIV sex? Nuh, uh, outta there. Not saying that's wrong, it's just how serials are."

 

Carhill...I feel that this is how I would be, without him desiring, and sexually satisfying me, than maybe I would not stick around. I already get everything else that I need from my husband plus a great lifestyle. I know that sounds harsh but I'm trying to be honest here. It's why I debate whether to end it or not. We are using each other to fill the missing pieces.

[FITT5559]

I dont know, I don't know your husband, but I know human behavior. There are ways you could have communicated without coming across as harsh. I don't get this is a deal breaker for you, in fact it seems like you've accepted this about him even before you found the ad.

 

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, I have been married for 35+ years "knowing" this about him. I am 59+ years old and would like my husband and I to remain life partners.

[BourneWicked]

In general, talking it through and opening up the marriage sounds like a good move, especially if your husband has no interest in 'outing' his sexual interests and removing himself from the marriage. I wonder if this is something you could do with your counselor, something you could do through marriage counseling? My biggest concern - from what you've said, he may not want to admit to behavior he sees as shameful, so it seems possible he would shut down the conversation. What would you do if that were the situation?

 

Communication is important especially from the perspective of safe sex, and keeping yourself (both of you, actually) safe from that aspect.

 

Good luck!

[FITT5559]

"What have you tasked your IC with? IC's work your personal tasks without regard to any other consideration and that may include your marriage. I year and a half of IC, presuming regular attendance, is a lot of sessions. What work is getting done in there?"

 

I have been with 3 different ICs for the past 1 1/2 years.

 

The first one was a female, I was seeing her when I first discovered the email regarding my husband. We weren't a good fit.

 

The second one was a man, living an alternative lifestyle. I really liked working with him. He was accepting of the affair and felt I could get my needs met this way. I learned a lot about human behavior from him. He took a position on the faculty at a university and stopped seeing patients.

 

My current IC has written books about anxious attachment disorder. I thought that he would be good to look at some FOO issues that I may have. But he is focusing on the affair and the fact that I should come clean about everything. He also clearly does not like MM and has made comments about his character and almost defends mine. He also feels that perhaps my husband is not necessarily bi or gay, rather he equates it with a habit that he might not want me to know about...like eating ice cream behind my back because I know he has high cholesterol?!?! I got the name of a CC for my husband and I from him.

[DKT3]

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, I have been married for 35+ years "knowing" this about him. I am 59+ years old and would like my husband and I to remain life partners.

 

So your fear is your husband wont accept that you desire other men?

 

One thing you can also count on with people is self serving actions. if your husband really is bisexual and he knows that you accept this about him I'm guessing he will eventually accept you desire other men. Maybe it could be something you two share together as a couple or at least share the experiences. How much more fulfilling would it be without the deception and lying.

 

One thing, I don't think its possible to maintain a relationship with your current AP no matter what. Besides, unless his wife was also on the same page, you would really be in the place, lying and deceiving.

[FITT5559]

In general, talking it through and opening up the marriage sounds like a good move, especially if your husband has no interest in 'outing' his sexual interests and removing himself from the marriage. I wonder if this is something you could do with your counselor, something you could do through marriage counseling? My biggest concern - from what you've said, he may not want to admit to behavior he sees as shameful, so it seems possible he would shut down the conversation. What would you do if that were the situation?

 

Communication is important especially from the perspective of safe sex, and keeping yourself (both of you, actually) safe from that aspect.

 

Good luck!

 

I agree with this...he may shut down. I copied the email and kept it in an envelope hidden away so that I could show it to him if he denies it. I am hoping that he could not continue to deny it once he saw that.

 

And I also get concerned about the safe sex aspect. Early on I told my gyn about my suspicions regarding my husband. I have not had any STDs in my 35+ years of marriage.

[FITT5559]

So your fear is your husband wont accept that you desire other men?

 

One thing you can also count on with people is self serving actions. if your husband really is bisexual and he knows that you accept this about him I'm guessing he will eventually accept you desire other men. Maybe it could be something you two share together as a couple or at least share the experiences. How much more fulfilling would it be without the deception and lying.

 

One thing, I don't think its possible to maintain a relationship with your current AP no matter what. Besides, unless his wife was also on the same page, you would really be in the place, lying and deceiving.

 

 

My fear is that my husband would hate himself because I now know his secret.

[FITT5559]

Thank you for all of your replies.

 

Another question...if/when I end my affair with MM how are some of the ways I could go about it? I feel that if I did this f2f I may not be able to go through with it!

[DKT3]

Thank you for all of your replies.

 

Another question...if/when I end my affair with MM how are some of the ways I could go about it? I feel that if I did this f2f I may not be able to go through with it!

 

No matter how you do it, you will likely be unsuccessful if you dont have someone to hold you accountable.

[FITT5559]

No matter how you do it, you will likely be unsuccessful if you dont have someone to hold you accountable.

 

I never thought of that?! Maybe it would be better for me to wait until my husband knows...IDK, for some reason I am feeling like pulling the trigger...I want everything out!

[DKT3]

I never thought of that?! Maybe it would be better for me to wait until my husband knows...IDK, for some reason I am feeling like pulling the trigger...I want everything out!

 

I don't know, I think it maybe best to end the affair first. By holding you accountable I mean a sister of good friend. I believe with your IC belief that you have some kind of attachment issue it may be a bit much. There is a very good chance you could lose both men at one time in that scenario.

[FITT5559]

Thanks, DKT3, I really appreciate your input. I'm going to step back and not react. The affair has been going on for 1 1/2 years and my marriage has been for 35+ years. I don't need to take care of this tomorrow but I do need to give some serious thought to it all. I'm just not happy with myself right now!

[carhill]

IMO, if you need someone holding a gun to your head, just D and get it over with. The desire for fidelity and monogamy comes from within, not by force or pressure.

 

Known plenty of MW's who've snuck around after disclosure/discovery and all the accountability stuff. Depends on the MW. If H has been soliciting for and/or diddling guys, very unlikely he'd be a shining example of a role model to be holding anyone accountable. That kind of stuff is a shining example of the issues with dual affair M's. Takes a lot of work and often a professional that both spouses believe in to get things on track.

 

Also, in a 35+ year M with this kind of stuff, who has the time to successfully reconcile? They could be hitting their 50th and there's still 'stuff'. To me, it'd be easier and healthier to see ya and both parties spend their remaining lives in other productive, and monogamous, relationships of their choice, presuming that's what they want. However, fear looms large, fear of what other people will think, fear of a divorce meaning failure, a fear of being alone, a fear of lifestyle change. I've heard all of that from MW's over the decades. Many have eventually D'd after multiple tries to fix things. 15, 20, 25, 30 years then single again, or living with their exit affair partner.

 

OP, I'll part with my usual advice..... If you want to reconcile, disclose your affair, if desired in front of a neutral third party experienced in such matters. If you want to divorce, divorce. Make a choice. You're not a spring chicken, likely my age or older. You know the game. Best wishes.

[DKT3]

Thanks, DKT3, I really appreciate your input. I'm going to step back and not react. The affair has been going on for 1 1/2 years and my marriage has been for 35+ years. I don't need to take care of this tomorrow but I do need to give some serious thought to it all. I'm just not happy with myself right now!

 

You know cheating isnt the deal breaker that we think it is. I know most of us think I wouldn't deal with a cheater. Then we find ourselves in the situation. The true deal breaker is the lying, and unwillingness to break free of the AP.

 

You say you fear life without MM, but have your honestly compared that with the lost of 35 years?

 

One of the things that shocked me about my wife years ago, was her belief that I would not leave her. She convinced herself that I owed it to her to automatically give her a second chance. Ultimately she was right, I did divorce her but it was the dishonesty. That's what did the majority of the damage.

[elaine567]

YOU are 59+ years old and have a very nice lifestyle that you wish to keep, I would remain schtum if I were you.

I know you have an "ace" card, but it seems to me, men do not like cheating wives and divorce is definitely on the cards here if you tell him.

If he did decide to stay with you, at 59+ you cannot really afford to spend the next 10 years in CC and/or in hell, in order for him to get over your affair, either.

You may have processed his bisexuality, but you may have had more of an issue had he been seeing another woman...

[FITT5559]

YOU are 59+ years old and have a very nice lifestyle that you wish to keep, I would remain schtum if I were you.

I know you have an "ace" card, but it seems to me, men do not like cheating wives and divorce is definitely on the cards here if you tell him.

If he did decide to stay with you, at 59+ you cannot really afford to spend the next 10 years in CC and/or in hell, in order for him to get over your affair, either.

You may have processed his bisexuality, but you may have had more of an issue had he been seeing another woman...

 

Elaine567...you bring up some good points here. I do feel like I have an "ace in the hole" and maybe mistakenly so. I am 59+ years old. I really don't want to divorce...I would like to finish my life with my husband as my life partner. The idea of spending the next x amount of years in CC and/or hell is not the way I want to spend the rest of my life either.

 

So much to think about...thank you for your perspective!