Words and Support to all here. Would love you’re responses too.

[Secretgal34]

I posted last week about and EA that ended a month ago with no ending so to speak he just stopped talking to me. I have kept to my word and have not contacted him but my emotions are all over the place. Some days I’m relieved and some days I’m angry. I’m angry because these men just get to slink back away to their lives and not care while these OW and the clueless wives suffer.

 

I’m angry because I’m not going to get closure that because he’s married he gets away with it. I posted some pictures on my social media and he had the nerve to click “like” on it as if nothing ever happened. He goes about his life like it’s nothing.

I’m relieved because it never got far enough for me to be put in a worse place. That I didn’t damage my life and my own marriage more than it already is. I can seek help and move past it in 6 months I’ll hopefully feel nothing. I read a post yesterday that broke my heart. A woman cheated on her husband with another MM her husband found out and filed for divorce.

 

This woman had such deep regret and wanted nothing more then for her husband to forgive her but he wouldn’t. I’m thankful it didn’t get that far. My friend has a friend that met a married man at work they had 4 year long affair while she was waiting for him to leave his wife. He never did and she’s now 40 never been married and has no children. She longs for a family now. Anyone on the outside would say why did she stay in it? Why did she get involved to begin with. It’s easy to blame the OW and as the OW you get no pity it’s your fault for getting involved to begin with. I read through these posts and every day that goes by I realize MM never cared about me I was a fantasy a break from his reality.

 

Now it’s just social media “likes” as it was before like it never happened like we never knew each other. Just some dude I went to school with. I’m not going to lie it still hurts and I still think about him every day but I won’t reach out I can’t why? He couldn’t care less anyway I’m not his wife or the mother of his children just someone he played with and now he’s done to slink back to his perfect life and I’m just an after thought.

 

So anyone doing this or thinking about doing it. Just don’t we’re worth more than that.

Edited June 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Capris]

Exactly. Whenever there is an affair, people tend to blame the OW and I'm purposely not saying the other person, because it's always a woman's fault in their eyes. If a MW has an affair with an OM, it's the MW's fault, if the MM has an affair, it's the OW's fault. Yupee.

 

I'm not saying that the other person doesn't have any responsibility, just stating that society tends to name women as homewreckers and never even tries to get in their shoes to see that they are actually a victim too. Sure, not an innocent victim, but still a victim. In most cases at least.

[Orokotikki]

Like the difference between an assassin and a get-away driver right?

You can argue one is worse. I wouldn't trust either to house sit though.

 

Someone honestly turning over a new leaf would gift the wife with the truth.

[Hazyhead]

I like your analogy of house sitting. However, I don’t think it’s her gift to give. It certainly won’t be seen as one. Walking away is the gift.

Edited June 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Orokotikki]

I would have given anything I owned to be clued in about my wife's A.

[Secretgal34]

Ah it’s not my place to tell his wife anything plus who’s to say he doesn’t make a bunch of lies or she forgives him because he didn’t go through with it. Not going to start any drama for them. The gift is walking away i guess but it just makes me angry that I am going through an emotional roller coaster while he gets to go on and be just fine. She doesn’t need to know anything he’s her husband and that’s that. I’ll just leave it be.

[finna]

Yeah that’s just the thing - there doesn’t seem to be any point in OW telling BS minus a few exceptional circumstances. I would imagine most of the time BS will just fight for the family and WS will spin it any way they can. Doesn’t sound healthy to me at all, as I would definitely want to know, but apparently the statistics are such that when MM cheats, at least 70% of the time they stay together.

[Orokotikki]

Well, I hope the next homewrecker he nails doesn't give him an STD which he brings home to her, possible leaving her sterile or worse.

 

That is often the first hint betrayed spouses get due to people thinking exactly like that.

 

But I doubt that bothers you, not like you gave it to her.

No, but you were in a position to at least attempt to help prevent such an occurrence, but have decided not to.

 

Not to mention how much worse it will be for her psychologically trying to piece together he had however many more affairs after this one.

 

Ah, but its not your place to even attempt to help. So difficult, and such work to send a note, or a brief voicemail.

 

"Not your place." So basic.

Goodbye.

[Secretgal34]

^^^ Ah it’s statements like this that make so glad I didn’t go through with it I hope you’re bashing other people that actually have. It’s not that the woman doesn’t deserve to know but I know how women are she’s not going to leave him or even bat an eye at it. Hopefully after this he stops and actually tries to make it work, but I’m not sure how much he’s learned. He’s been with other women physically while they were separated and she took him back so who’s to say she wouldn’t forgive this. My husband cheated on me and I took him back it’s what people do.

Edited June 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[mark clemson]

I was a fantasy a break from his reality.

 

... slink back to his perfect life and I’m just an after thought.

 

Not to invalidate your main point (because I'm not) but no one's life is perfect, even the one's that actually look like it from the outside. A cheating spouse's life definitely doesn't look perfect...

[Secretgal34]

In fact there was a girl I grew up with our moms stayed in touch. This girls husband had a full on affair while she was pregnant with their second child. They are still together. So yea a lot of people do stay together after cheating

[Secretgal34]

Not to invalidate your main point (because I'm not) but no one's life is perfect, even the one's that actually look like it from the outside. A cheating spouse's life definitely doesn't look perfect...

 

You’re right but he sure faked it really well. He was always going to functions and parties. Him and his wife have a lot of friends and from what I knew they didn’t really fight but yet he’d text me day after day telling me how he couldn’t stop thinking about me. I guess it’s easy for him to fake it. His social media has profile has no trace of a wife and it doesn’t even say he’s married but hers has tons of family pictures of him and her and the kids. It’s obvious her family means a lot to her so all the more reason to leave him

alone. I’m just here trying to make sense out it get feedback and try to get past it.

[DKT3]

There is a reason that wives take back cheating husbands, to women in affairs it seems implausible but the sad FACT is most of these men go into affairs knowing it is exactly what it is....sex on the side or prospective sex on the side. Because of this, these men have no need to justify their poor behavior by making their wives out to be a monster. Almost every MW comes here with stories of 5he monster sleeping next to them. Of course its illogical to believe that they are all being honest about the state (true realistic) of the marriage. This actually causes more damage to the relationship than the affair.

 

Since men rarely need to do this, they simply don't disconnect themselves from their wives or marriage, making it easy to walk away from the affair and MW/OW. It's really simple...men dont invest as much in affairs. Yeah, yeah, some will take offense to that statement since it's so very important for alot of MW/OW to believe he did. That feeling were mutual. Again illogical. These women are ready to toss their marriage and husband to the side in a heartbeat, so if he matched her investment why do they stay?

[Secretgal34]

There is a reason that wives take back cheating husbands, to women in affairs it seems implausible but the sad FACT is most of these men go into affairs knowing it is exactly what it is....sex on the side or prospective sex on the side. Because of this, these men have no need to justify their poor behavior by making their wives out to be a monster. Almost every MW comes here with stories of 5he monster sleeping next to them. Of course its illogical to believe that they are all being honest about the state (true realistic) of the marriage. This actually causes more damage to the relationship than the affair.

 

Since men rarely need to do this, they simply don't disconnect themselves from their wives or marriage, making it easy to walk away from the affair and MW/OW. It's really simple...men dont invest as much in affairs. Yeah, yeah, some will take offense to that statement since it's so very important for alot of MW/OW to believe he did. That feeling were mutual. Again illogical. These women are ready to toss their marriage and husband to the side in a heartbeat, so if he matched her investment why do they stay?

 

Nah I didn’t take offense at all because sadly it’s true his actions have spoken so loud it deafening. Just not sure why they go on to say “I want out” when they have no intentions of doing so.

[DKT3]

I've said it one hundred times here. It works....what doesn't work is if they said "I love my wife, we have a good sex life but I'm look for so excitement on the side because her focus is no longer me but on the kids "

 

That wont get them the attention they desire, but is most often the case.

[Turning point]

... it just makes me angry that I am going through an emotional roller coaster while he gets to go on and be just fine.

 

This is bull. Absolutely nothing has been imposed on you. You have CHOSEN to ride an emotional roller coaster. You can step off this ride anytime you choose.

 

Maybe he's better than fine, spectacular in fact - and it has nothing to do with any lack of emotional equity. He simply made a choice.

 

What will you choose today...

[Starswillshine]

You are a married woman. From the outside looking in.... it looks like you are just riding off into the sunset like nothing happened, too. Outside of your heartbreak, which you did to yourself, what consequences have you faced to make it seem you are paying for everything?

 

As a former BS who was told by the OW.... I am forever grateful she told me. However, it took her nearly a year to tell me the real truth. Because she was happy to protect him for a long time. That was absolutely crazy making.

 

Sometimes it is hard as a BS who had no clue. Whose husband was still treating me the same, we had a great relationship. To hear a MW come hear and bash so hard about the MM.... in my case, I DID bat an eyelash. I DID care. I divorced him despite him wanting nothing to do with divorce. Who paid in this circumstance? I didn't willingly get into a situation that I knew was no good. I was married for 2 decades and had 4 children. All still home at that point. I lost my family. I lost every darn goal I had. So save the boohoo tears.... you still have your family. One that you were willing to screw over. And he has, too. Dry it up, suck it up.

[heartwhole2]

Yeah that’s just the thing - there doesn’t seem to be any point in OW telling BS minus a few exceptional circumstances. I would imagine most of the time BS will just fight for the family and WS will spin it any way they can. Doesn’t sound healthy to me at all, as I would definitely want to know, but apparently the statistics are such that when MM cheats, at least 70% of the time they stay together.

 

Asaysno, the point in telling is that all people have a right to autonomy over their bodies and their life choices. A marriage where one partner is robbing the other of their bodily autonomy can never be healthy. If they choose to stay together after DDay, then they can turn their marriage into something quite healthy. It's not that hard to see how a WS is spinning the tale if you are a healthy person yourself.

 

You are not telling to get a desired outcome for yourself. You are telling because it is the right thing to do.

 

Now practically speaking, as the OW ending an affair you are going through your own struggles and adding the blame for outing the affair may be too much for you to handle at that time. But I would strongly consider finding a way to tell the BW anonymously. If she "fights for her marriage" or believes her husband's spin, that's her right. You don't get to expose her sexually without her consent and then tell her how to react to that news.

 

OP, I'm more neutral on telling the BW in your case because there was no sexual health put at risk.

[finna]

This could likely be a separate thread - I’m not at all clear about best practice for informing BS... there is a “right to know” component versus being self-serving, etc. The research and articles I have read have mostly said “don’t tell” but I know opinions are all over the place.

[Prudence V]

How is this:

because he’s married he gets away with it.

different from this:

I didn’t damage my life and my own marriage more than it already is.

?

And does this:

the clueless wives suffer.

extend to “clueless husbands” too?

Edited June 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix spacing

[DKT3]

Its consistent in most stories here, these MW give the husband very little consideration. Its unfair to MM wife but to hell with the husband. These women dehumanize their husbands its really the only way many can conduct themselves in the manner that they do.

 

Thus we only hear about the negative things as they lay the foundation for why they've given themselves permission to be so selfish.

Edited June 27, 2019 by DKT3

[Naivewomen]

Its consistent in most stories here, these MW give the husband very little consideration. Its unfair to MM wife but to hell with the husband. These women dehumanize their husbands its really the only way many can conduct themselves in the manner that they do.

 

Thus we only hear about the negative things as they lay the foundation for why they've given themselves permission to be so selfish.

 

 

I DID THIS!!! It was how I justified my horrific behavior!! I fabricated and put up as many walls as possible to isolate myself from my marriage.

[Secretgal34]

Ok yea you guys are referring to my husband understandable but since I’m not on here to talk about him I don’t mention him. I don’t look to place blame here but my husband is not perfect. Not that what I did justified anything but 2 counts of infidelity on his part and years of him telling me he deserves someone better looking and hates being a father kind of caught up with me. This doesn’t excuse my behavior but I’ve been with him many years and the EA was only 4 months. So much of this went on before this even happened while I did everything I could to keep our family together. What I did was wrong and it nothing I say excuses it but my husband is not perfect. So as far as me walking into the sunset with my family not likely. We were talking divorce last night and it had nothing to do with the EA. It’s all the other problems we have. There’s no pitty here because of what I’ve done and I get that. I was being selfish and looking in the wrong place for happiness. As far as MM I actually told him early on to work things out with his wife he convinced me he didn’t want to. Look I’m not sitting here playing the victim. I’m owning my mistakes here but there a lot to a story so please don’t assume I’m the evil woman who was purposely looking to hurt people. There’s more to it than that. It’s over though and I’m being punished I’m getting what I deserve I guess. I’m lost, can’t do anything with my feelings for MM and can’t figure out how to fix things at some. So that’s why I say it’s nice the MM gets to go on with his perfect life like nothing happened. Look everyone has their own opinion and sure I come off as a horrible person but there’s always more to story and it’s never only one persons fault. A lot of you will say I should have divorced my husband and yes I have considered we’ve split up 4 times but we keep trying to make it work with much failure. I don’t know where to go from here.

Edited June 27, 2019 by Secretgal34

[heartwhole2]

I understand feeling that it's not fair, but I wouldn't call his life perfect or enviable. He's trying to cheat on his wife, so he's not the kind of person I'd want to be or be married to. I don't envy lousy people; I steer clear of them.

 

You may say, "I don't envy him, I just feel like it's not fair," and I understand that too. It certainly wasn't fair when I suffered a trauma and had my whole life thrown into chaos because of my husband's decision to cheat. But I know that there are no guarantees in life; we have to live our values regardless. Hurt people hurt other people, but if we live our lives on solid ground, they can't shake us.

[DKT3]

More to the story is window dressing that hides what is really going on.

 

I dont believe anyone said you were horrible or your husband is perfect. However, you are doing something horrible and whatever your husband did doesn't excuse what you did/are doing.

 

So often women in your situation come here and want to avoid talking about your marriage and or husband. Its impossible, it's all in the same pot of stew. It's all linked.

 

Imagine cleaning your house, its spotless except for a big pile of elephant dung in your living room.....no matter how much you clean around it your home is dirty. Clean up the poop, after that every thing else falls into place.