Question For all Betrayed Wives.

Hi AP, re the above - do you have a therapist? If not, I think it might be a good idea for you to talk to someone. Not about MM and his marriage but about your own feelings, which obviously go deeper than just this A a you were unhappy in your M beforehand. I myself have been seeing a therapist as I want to get to the underlying problems of WHY I became involved in such a destructive R in the first place.

Hi Posh, I ended my therapy. I figured out what I need to do to fix my marriage. Also my therapy Broke the strong emotinal bond I felt for mm, it kept me away and in NC.

AP:)

And your still “out of touch”, AP. Considering you spend more time obsessing about the neighbor’s husband and marriage than you do focusing on repairing the damage you have done to your own. People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Wouldn’t be wise to become too smug at this point that your own husband will continue to offer you support and help you to feel “safe and secure” while you constantly obsess over another lover you were jilted by and are clearly not finished with.

 

Until you get back into your own marriage (where you belong) ... you are still on a “mental holiday”. Perhaps some professional counseling would help you to find closure in a more mature, healthy and responsible way before you turn into a bunny-boiler and compound your “mistakes”.

 

Rather than asking strangers whether or not you should nuke the neighbor’s husband because he had the audacity to replace you with another mistress ... perhaps you should confide in your husband and ask him what he thinks about your plan. After all, his opinion is the ONLY one that should count at this point. Especially since he and your family will also be included as part of your collateral damage, again.

Do you live in my house? NO! So you don't know how much Better thing's have been between myself and my H. It's been a world of Diiff! I have a ton of focus on that now and I could careless what the HECK you think! Your rude comment's do NO good!

AP:)

AP, Enigma's comments were not rude at all. You might want to explore why you're being so defensive.

I think she(he?) offered some very good advice, and assessed your situation very accurately.

How is it that you don't see that you're completely obsessed with MM?

AP, Enigma's comments were not rude at all. You might want to explore why you're being so defensive.

 

I think she(he?) offered some very good advice, and assessed your situation very accurately.

 

How is it that you don't see that you're completely obsessed with MM?

I am in agreement with both Enigma and IO here .Your thought processing still very much includes your MM , your still obsessing. I would suggest you take some time to look back over your posts and perhaps you will see this.

AP, Enigma's comments were not rude at all. You might want to explore why you're being so defensive.

 

I think she(he?) offered some very good advice, and assessed your situation very accurately.

 

How is it that you don't see that you're completely obsessed with MM?

You have the balls to ask me why I am so defensive after how defensive you became while posting to my thread yesterday? I don't think that calling some one a "bunny boiler" or referring to "nukeing" the neighbor a very nice assesment of my situation! If I was truly a nut case, don't you think I would have run over there and spilled the bean's by now, with NO thought about it! I could make MM's life a living hell on a daily basis if I wanted to. But I have not done that and my intention's were never to do that.

AP:)

First, based on what AP has posted in the past, we think the MM's wife does know about the affair. She came to AP and asked for details. This indicates that she was told about the affair.

Second, the fact that AP used statements to describe the MM as a "FREAK" indicates that she has a lot of anger towards the MM. This undoubtedly is part of the motivation.

Third, since the wife already knows about the affair, any retelling of the details will reopen the wounds. Since AP is alleging that she was not the only one, when she passes on the hearsay evidence (which I am assuming she will), this will cause great upheaval and pain in the MM's family. This will result in either the MM losing his family or a greater reconciliation between his wife and him. And since the other alleged affairs will be just that, AP will probably come off looking like a desperate and vengeful OW.

Fourth, we have two descriptions from you (AP) regarding how the affair was started and who did the pursuing/manipulating. Today's quote:

I guess it's the fact that if he suspected that I had issues with H then why could he just not leave me alone! For the first 8 month's of the ea I was trying to walk away and he kept reeling me back in with his Munipulate behavior. He told me so many lies, that my head was spinning. I was so out of touch with my h and family I felt like I was on some mental "Hoilday" however it was NO holiday!! He said to many thing's to me while in the ea, thing's that pointed to the fact that he's had ea's before! Look I know I was a FOOL to even fall for him, but I did and I do regret it! I realize none of you were there but I was and trust me you would fully understand if you did see the whole picture!

Yet back in 2006, you said the following (here are the links for those who want to update themselves).

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t83182/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t83292/

I will admit that I am the one that pursued him, but only after months of signal's that were a major two way street.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84353/

I posted back in early march about my EA with a MM, I am a MW! We have a strong attraction to one another. After realizing that I was in the middle of an EA I took a good hard look at my marriage. What I found was that I have a GREAT marriage, so why am I in lust with this man and he with me? After trying to end the whole attraction thing between us he came over and gave me a hug. The next day my Husband was away and I called him over to help me with something in the house. We were all alone. Something sexual happend but is was not actual SEX. The next day we talked and I apologized beacuse I was the more aggressive one if you know what I mean. Now I am feeling like we should just go for it! I have to live next door to this man and this is simply driving me crazy! I can hardly believe I have these feeling's just don't know what to do??

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t86114/

I have always been attracted to him. I felt he was attracted to me over the winter after getting to know him more over the past couple of years, I was so right! His wife is a plain boreing soul who thrives herself on work! Forget the rest he does it all. I know her all to well. I think because she makes more money then him he feels he has to stay! I bet if the tables were turned he would be out the door, This man need's to feel alive again, I know that for a fact! I guess I dont' want to throw out my favorite shoes for a new pair, but then again perhap's I need to take a step ahead!

As far as talking with his wife, I try and avoid it, as I don't really care for her, she's a very cold fish. Know wonder the man need's some attention for me. I suppose I would feel guilty if I liked her knowing what I have done with her Husband. I need to avoid the MM.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t88194/

Ok, My question tonight is do semi happily married men ever break it off to be with someone that they might love? I ask this because I am caught up in a very heated E/A with heavy petting and emerging emotions. He has said he does not want to hurt me? Well hurt me? How can he when I am married too and want this as much as him! I asked him how he feel's about me he said do you mean the "L" word? I said YES! I said oh forget that I couldn't love you? Well yes I think I do love him! I feel he love's me too. I am dealing with a very emotional man whom I dom't want to hurt so I have us caution with my word's. Do I love him YES! Does he love me I believe so! Can we be together I don't know? He said tonight "But we don't even know each other, what does he mean? Confused and wondering about this???

From the start here I am a MW and he is a MM! We both have children! He is my neighbor (I know yikes right?, LOL) I have know him for the 8 years we have lived in the neigborhood. We started to get close with them as a couple over the last year. About one year ago I realized that I had very strog feeling's for him. After endless night's of flirting and eye contact all taking place while we were together as couples, I decided to inform him of my feeling's for him over the winter. He was shocked, but told me right away that he would love to be with me sexually But he Can't (sorry did not sound convincing to me!!)

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t88973/

As far as our marriages go, he is the happier of the two of us. I know his marriage is not perfect, but it sound's like it's ok infact he say's he is very comfortable. I am comfortable in mine for the finances, but the love factor, well I am not so sure any more! So in a nut shell we continue to talk on and off, taunt each other with hug's some touching and nothing else! I want more!! He tell's me he likes me and cares about me, could he LOVE me and really be afraid of his feeling's?? He is not putting and end to all this! We see each other just about everyday in passing and you can just feel the heat.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t95274/

Well After about 9 weeks with NO contact I did a bad thing and broke it! Saw MM the other day. I said the "L" word to him , yes that's right I told him I love him and we hugged. He did not say it back but had a big smile on his face.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t94191/

In late May our so called ea, pa came to an end. He was the one that said we need to stop or else we will destroy our marriages. While I agree with him completely I still can't seem to stop thinking about all the heated moments we shared. Sometimes I will find myself in the grocery store thinking about a time when we were together and I get so side tracked that I have no idea what I came to buy. The way our eyes would lock was incredible, who wouldn't want that back?? He has told me that he cares about me and that I am a very wonderful woman. I think because we have not gone all the way it makes the whole thing worse, still wondering what it would be like. I have a strong feeling that he does love me like I love him even if we have not told each other.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t95809/

Last time I spoke to MM the discussion somehow got into leaving spouses for one another. I asked him if he would ever leave his wife for me. His response was " I dont' think I could hurt your husband like that". Now I am not understanding this!!! He said before that his wife was his best friend Wouldn't he have said he could not hurt his wife and children?? Why was he concerned with my husband's feeling's????

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t102399/

After a weekend of seeing him out and about filled with my love affection for him, I called him to come see me. As alway's when I have call he comes running. I really wanted to make love to him tonight, but that did not happen. You see he loves his wife!!!!! He feels as even though we have done plenty behind our spouses back's that he has not cheated just because we did not have actual SEX.

 

We were face to face for about 30 miutes talking, hugging. and touching the normal for us, then he left. I rang him when he got home because I wanted to apologie for coming on so strong. We got to talking about our whole sitauation. He finally got me to admit that I was not happy in my marriage and he want's to see me be happy. He said the words tonight that made me realize that this affair is totally over. "I want to stay with my wife for the rest of my life", DID not need to hear that one!! So now that I know that we have NO future what so ever together and my marriage is a compelete mess, how do I get him out of my heart in order to either fix my marriage or divorce and move on to a available man! The reason this is so DARN hard is that I truely feel that this man is the other half to my soul and he's not EVEN MINE!

What conclusions should be drawn from this? Now do you think you should tell your MM's wife EVERYTHING?

Just to let you all know I AM TELLING his W and I would like to leave it at that, end of Story!

You have the balls to ask me why I am so defensive after how defensive you became while posting to my thread yesterday? I don't think that calling some one a "bunny boiler" or referring to "nukeing" the neighbor a very nice assesment of my situation! If I was truly a nut case, don't you think I would have run over there and spilled the bean's by now, with NO thought about it! I could make MM's life a living hell on a daily basis if I wanted to. But I have not done that and my intention's were never to do that.

 

AP:)

Now who's being rude? She didn't call you a bunny boiler, she suggested you step back and get some help BEFORE you become a bunny boiler...frankly, if you could look at all your posts, it's clear that you're in danger of earning the label.

Try to look at this objectively and stop being so defensive.

Hi Posh! There's something I haven't posted, I found out that my exH had had two more minor affairs before the one that I found out about, minor because neither one of them went further than them sleeping together three or four times. So he was indeed a serial cheater. Had I of known there would not have been a third affair in our marriage because I would have left him then and there. And no, no one especially not the wronged spouse wants to be the last one to know. I always want the truth, no matter how much it hurts me. I am better for it.

Jeez, Justice - that must've hard going for you! WTF? I don't understand why people stay in a R if all they want to do is cheat time and time again. Still, I guess these types aren't 'unhappy', they're just cakeeaters, not looking for a way out but just a bit of extra-curricular fun. You deserve better and I am so glad for you that you had the strength to walk away. What makes me die is why they AREN'T 100% honest in the first place, when DDay occurs, because as we all know, the past has a habit of catching up with us eventually.

IO, if you are to continue with your M then you MUST believe that your husband has been 100% honest with you. This is the only way you will be able to move on, otherwise you will drive yourself insane beating yourself up about something that more than likely never happened. I think obviously one should know if their spouse has cheated on more than one occasion but would you really want all the ins and outs of his A now that it's over and done with? That would only do your head in even more!

My exMM and I never had sex (well, we did, once but hadn't at the time of DDay) so he was being 100% honest with his W about that. He wanted to give his M another go and realised that he made a mistake so what wuould have been the point in giving his W anymore details of our A? I don't think he told her about the physical side of it and, to be honest, what would it have achieved? This way, everyone's happy (well, apart from me - LOL!)

You will be hurting your children who will no longer be allowed to associate with their friends. I highly doubt me tellling the W will make the two of them punish the kid's from playing with our's. H and I did not do that did we?

It is not considered punishment to remove children from an influence that is not beneficial to their well-being. I can tell you without a doubt that if I were in his wife's shoes, your children would no longer be welcome in my home, nor would my children be allowed into yours. You can make that of it what you will, it doesn't matter to me. But you do need to understand that simply because you would or have done something in a particular fashion does not mean that everyone will.

You will be hurting the wife of your former MM, who will now have to face what her husband has been doing, and her neighbor (you) has been doing with him. I am not sure how the wife will react, this is one of the reason's I keep putting off telling!

You will be hurting the man you were formerly infatuated with. Hurt MM? No! This MM as to big oa a EGO to be hurt by anyone!

And that's really the core problem isn't it? You hurt and you wanted to see that he hurt, but he didn't. You wanted to see that he was pining away for you, but he wasn't. So you've convinced yourself that telling his wife is for HER good, but it isn't.

Be honest with yourself AP. You want to do this for YOU.

Leave your neighbors alone. Get on with your life. If you can't let this alone, then you need to talk to your husband about moving, because you really can't go on like this. It's not healthy for anyone.

Okey Dokey...let us all know how it plays out.

This ought to be interesting.....

What conclusions should be drawn from this? Now do you think you should tell your MM's wife EVERYTHING?

The conclusion I would draw is that,

A) AP pursued MM, and was NOT manipulated in the least.

B) MM put the brakes on the relationship and ended it.

C) AP is bent on making MM pay for not reciprocating her declarations of love.

D) Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Thanks James, your post answered a LOT of questions and makes the situation so much clearer now.

First, based on what AP has posted in the past, we think the MM's wife does know about the affair. She came to AP and asked for details. This indicates that she was told about the affair.

 

Second, the fact that AP used statements to describe the MM as a "FREAK" indicates that she has a lot of anger towards the MM. This undoubtedly is part of the motivation.

 

Third, since the wife already knows about the affair, any retelling of the details will reopen the wounds. Since AP is alleging that she was not the only one, when she passes on the hearsay evidence (which I am assuming she will), this will cause great upheaval and pain in the MM's family. This will result in either the MM losing his family or a greater reconciliation between his wife and him. And since the other alleged affairs will be just that, AP will probably come off looking like a desperate and vengeful OW.

 

Fourth, we have two descriptions from you (AP) regarding how the affair was started and who did the pursuing/manipulating. Today's quote:

 

 

 

Yet back in 2006, you said the following (here are the links for those who want to update themselves).

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t83182/

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t83292/

 

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84353/

 

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t86114/

 

 

 

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t88194/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t88973/

 

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t95274/

 

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t94191/

 

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t95809/

 

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t102399/

 

 

 

What conclusions should be drawn from this? Now do you think you should tell your MM's wife EVERYTHING?

WOW! James I never would have expected this from you! dregeding up post's from so long ago while I was in the mist of an incredibly confusing time in my life? I came her out of confusion with question's. I came hear to vent and I have done just that! PLEASE do NOT post to any of my thread's again! Thank YOU!

AP

Okey Dokey...let us all know how it plays out.

 

This ought to be interesting.....

NO I will not be letting any of you know how it turned out! I am done with this site. I should have never made my affair or marriage a matter of public OP! So now go on about me as much as you want have fun!

How very mature.

WOW! James I never would have expected this from you! dregeding up post's from so long ago while I was in the mist of an incredibly confusing time in my life? I came her out of confusion with question's. I came hear to vent and I have done just that! PLEASE do NOT post to any of my thread's again! Thank YOU!

 

AP

Okay, one last post.

First, why was then more confusing than now?

Second, these are your words, not the MM's nor his wife's.

Third, my intention was not to make things worse but clear up some questions. It is amazing what evidence will do.

Thanks for listening.

The conclusion I would draw is that,

 

A) AP pursued MM, and was NOT manipulated in the least.

B) MM put the brakes on the relationship and ended it.

C) AP is bent on making MM pay for not reciprocating her declarations of love.

D) Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

 

Thanks James, your post answered a LOT of questions and makes the situation so much clearer now.

Wow, this situation is bananas.

Yea, I drew some of the same conclusions. My hope would be that all of this pent up energy and passion could somehow be turned around to find a deeper intimacy in APs marriage.

I think sometimes people get bored or complacent in their relationships and seek out drama and escape in something new. Of course new is seen and well...New.

Sounds like there was an attraction but when put to the test he re-committed to his wife.

Can you write this off as a lapse of judgement in your own M and try to just focus on your families happiness?

My fear is that if you don't find a way to turn your feelings/passions around or reset your emotional aim...Put the passion where it belongs. You might lose your family in this drama.

Good luck girl...

Just to let you all know I AM TELLING his W and I would like to leave it at that, end of Story!

AP - I'll leave it at that. All I'm hoping for is that, regardless of what the result is within their marriage, you will then be able to disconnect from them, and focus fully within your own marriage and family.

Also, consider that her responses may run a wider range of possibilities than you might be preparing for. You may be planning to tell her certain things, and assuming some range of responses you might expect, but expect the unexpected. Her first response may be "Why are you telling me this now?" Do you have a response for that other than "I don't know?" What if she responds, "I know all this, why are you interfering?" If she asks you why you didn't tell her when she originally asked, and you give your line about not wanting to do it while you were under the influence of alcohol, are you ready for her to ask "...then why didn't you come to me the next day, instead of waiting all this time?"

What if she directly asks you: "Are you hoping I'll throw him out so you can have him?" (well, no, of course) "Then what are you expecting me to do about this?" (well, I don't know, I just thought you should know...) "Why?"

Be ready to have all your motivations probed and questioned by her...

Seriously - good luck, and I hope you will be able to turn the page and move on after this.

Thanks James, I read through the old posts and they were very enlightening.

It's obvious that there was a lot of animosity and jealousy for the wife, and that AP had very strong feelings for MM then he pushed her away.

The motivation for telling the wife is all too clear.

AP - as a follow-on to my previous post suggesting you prepare for a wide range of possible responses: what if she accepts that it happened with you, but thinks that his transgression was also a "one-time mistake" and doesn't believe you that it is still happening with someone else. Are you planning to try to convince her (and/or provide evidence) of something she may be very resistant to believing? Are you prepared for how angry she might get if you call her husband a cheater "again" and she refuses to believe you? After all, in her mind, your motivations and credibility will be highly suspect.

People have gotten themselves into trouble, expecting to be "welcomed as liberators," and not being prepared for hostility.

AP,

I don't know that I have ever posted to one of your threads. I've pretty much "moved on". But I have followed your story. And judging by these last few threads and your posts, I'm very concerned about you. Your whole demeanor has changed. It sounds like you are having some type of meltdown. You know very well that most of these people here are trying to help you and help you look at this situation from all angles. You also know how to ignore the hateful ones.

You were quite adamant when you were reaching out to Forbidden Fruit and trying to get her to see logic. That is no different than people are doing here.

Forbidden Fruit left in a huff. And now you're leaving in a huff. I think mainly because no one will validate your beliefs. And perhaps that's what you were looking for.

But like I said. I'm more concerned about you. I'm not gonna tell you what or what not to do. Just please take care of yourself, k? You need to be a whole person for your family.

AP, do what feels right for you. Don't get angry at people. You know your situation better than anyone else. You also know yourself better than anyone else. Whatever your motivations, they are yours and you will have to live with them. No one else has to live with what you're currently experiencing.

If you feel it necessary to come clean with the wife, do it. No matter what you decide, you need to move on.

My concern for AP is that her proposed actions are not so much about gaining “closure” as they are about reasserting her importance and influence in the life of someone who has made her feel insignificant and devalued as a person. After all, how dare this man continue on with his life and marriage as usual, as if she and their relationship meant nothing to him at all?

You know ... I’ll show him just what an insignificant and unimportant factor I’m not.

An exercise perhaps in regaining her self-esteem, or reclaiming her personal power, but a misdirected one that has great potential to backfire in major proportions and leave her feeling even more disposable than she already does. Particular if this married man chooses to champion his wife’s honor instead of hers, and continues to devalue the importance of the affair relationship (and his feelings for AP) in order to protect his marriage and family.

The real “man” is AP’s HUSBAND. This is the man who values her, who loves and respects her. THIS is the man who is happy to walk through fire for her and stand beside her through better and worse. This is the man deserving of her undivided attention, and not the neighbor’s husband. Yet, because there is no challenge involved with his unconditional love, she doesn’t place as much significance or importance on her husband’s acceptance and opinion of her as she does that of another man’s.

Sad, when people forget how to focus on and appreciate what they already have until it’s too late and they’ve already lost it.

Now this is the point that sticks in my craw...how do you ever truly know that you've gotten all of the "real truth"?

 

This is what makes me crazy, because once you know your spouse cheated, you never really know what went on every time they met, what he said, what he told her about you, it's maddening! It's like you have this overwhelming need to know but it's just not possible.

 

That's why I feel you're never truly free from that cloud of deception. It sucks.

EXACTLY....You live in the ever lasting "Twilight Zone"...

Oh I am ready! Do I want to cause hurt NO, That's not who I am! I wish I could describe to you all how This MM really did a job on me and my family for that matter! Let her contact my H. Have field day with him! I had the darn gut's to tell him about my involvement, unlike mm. I also DO not PLAN to ever cheat on my H again! I made a mistake.

 

AP:)

I have to ask this for clarification as I hear this often enough:

An OW is not the one who cheated on MM's wife and so she is not resposible for the pain caused the BW.

Here AP, you are saying that MM is responsible for the hurt your affair caused your family.

Which is it?