When H/W cheats and is caught - why don't they just come clean?

I have been on here a month or so and in my case and many others, the other Spouse never just comes clean? You have to uncover all that you can find knowing you will never find it all. I am asking - why not just tell your SO why you cheated on and give them closure? Why do they continue to just lie to your face knowing they are caught?????

Because they're trying to minimize the damage, hoping the extent of their deceptions aren't discovered. They're doing it to protect themselves - it's always about THEM, and what they think is best for themselves.

It's like kids who get caught with their hands in the cookie jar. They'll say they ate only one cookie instead of four, hoping to diminish the consequences.

The cheater will lie and say the affair was only for x months, when really it was much longer. They'll lie and say the affair has been over for months, when really, it's not actually over. They'll lie and say they used condoms, when they didn't. They'll lie about how often they saw their affair partner. They'll lie about whether they loved their affair partner, or whether they told their affair partner they loved them and were going to leave the spouse. They'll lie about all kinds of little details that they think will make them look even worse in their spouse's eyes. They'll lie lie lie to protect themselves as much as they can.

Yep, in alot of cases, you are 100% accurate, but alas, not all.

Just like in some cases an OW will learn from the mistake of having an A with a MM, and never do it again.

That happens as well.

You know something I think that is what it boils down to an A that lasted a few weeks or a couple of months VS those drawn out relationship affairs. I can almost see why some people would forgive one of those short term flings, I still wouldn't myself and haven't but I can def see why some would. I can see that.

I can also see that some people really do learn when they see the pain they caused. And it is case by case scenario, I can definitely appreciate that.

Some people just don't sound happy in their choices and they are the ones that I wonder about. It's like some people really want to convince the world they made the right choice when the one that should feel convinced is themselves and it shouldn't really matter what the world things as long as they are happy.

Also very accurate, TC33. Good points there.

I myself know a few friends who are like this. Makes me want to help them in some way and I try by telling them my story, good and bad, but all relationships (where a spouse cheating on another spouse is concerned)are different.

Where one couple can deal and move on, another couple can not, for one reason or another.

I have been on here a month or so and in my case and many others, the other Spouse never just comes clean? You have to uncover all that you can find knowing you will never find it all. I am asking - why not just tell your SO why you cheated on and give them closure? Why do they continue to just lie to your face knowing they are caught?????

They've been lying so much about so much that oftentimes they don't even remember what the truth was.

Also very accurate, TC33. Good points there.

 

I myself know a few friends who are like this. Makes me want to help them in some way and I try by telling them my story, good and bad, but all relationships (where a spouse cheating on another spouse is concerned)are different.

Where one couple can deal and move on, another couple can not, for one reason or another.

Yeah that's the bottom line insn't it? We as people unite by our painful expriences and can learn things from other's experiences but at the end of the day each and every situation is unique in its own way no matter how much the circumstance may be the same.

Not everyone is cut out to forgive, in therory it seems like something that is doable but in practice it takes super human effort and not everyone can do it or even has the patience to do it.

The way I look at people and why I challenge people is this: If you find something that works for you and it makes you happy then the more power to you but if you try to force feed down my throat that you are happy and your actions show me otherwise, I have the urge to challenge that. I think it's only human to react that way.

It's like the neuveau riche VS old money, old money just is the neuveau riche is all about flash and showing off and proving.

One is, the other is trying to be.

Granted there is a lot to be said for the "trying to be" too though, because we can also learn from that.

Yeah that's the bottom line insn't it? We as people unite by our painful expriences and can learn things from other's experiences but at the end of the day each and every situation is unique in its own way no matter how much the circumstance may be the same.

 

Not everyone is cut out to forgive, in therory it seems like something that is doable but in practice it takes super human effort and not everyone can do it or even has the patience to do it.

 

The way I look at people and why I challenge people is this: If you find something that works for you and it makes you happy then the more power to you but if you try to force feed down my throat that you are happy and your actions show me otherwise, I have the urge to challenge that. I think it's only human to react that way.

 

It's like the neuveau riche VS old money, old money just is the neuveau riche is all about flash and showing off and proving.

One is, the other is trying to be.

 

Granted there is a lot to be said for the "trying to be" too though, because we can also learn from that.

The part I set in bold is very interesting to me, as a former BW. My H and I have worked very hard over the yrs since his A. It was an uphill crawl for a while there, and I use crawl knowing exactly what it sounds like.

It was never easy, and somedays I wanted to just give up and move on, but he had the staying power. He wouldn't give up on me and this is why I'm still M to him.

He proved himself to be worthy of my affection and love.

Can i forget that I went through? No. But, I did forgive.

The part I set in bold is very interesting to me, as a former BW. My H and I have worked very hard over the yrs since his A. It was an uphill crawl for a while there, and I use crawl knowing exactly what it sounds like.

It was never easy, and somedays I wanted to just give up and move on, but he had the staying power. He wouldn't give up on me and this is why I'm still M to him.

He proved himself to be worthy of my affection and love.

Can i forget that I went through? No. But, I did forgive.

You are honest about your story. I respect that.

They say it's not the destination but the road that gets you there that matters. Not sure I fully agree with that, when we think of the journey too much we forget to live the now....

Your "now" is good, that's what matters doesn't it?

I know it's a double standard but for some reason, and not to take away from your pain because I know what it's like I lived that kind of betrayal too, but there seems to be a glaring difference for me when it is a fling vs a drawn out rel. affair. I just cannot comprehend people that overcome that level of betrayal??

I suppose that is what it boils down to for me. A lie vs a whole other life of a lie lived parallel to a life with someone...I can't wrap my head around that one. The notion that the person you sleep next you and that you spend so many intimate moments through a life time with, can be leading a double life like that while looking you in the eyes...I just don't get how you can forgive that, how you can still have love or admiration for that?

Why would they ever tell???? I got caught (not married we werer seperated) and told it all and I am glad I did, although he holds that over my head today, 5 years later. He knows if he tells me he cheated it makes what he has put me through s---- ! He does not want me to able to attack him for the very same thing he cuts me down for everyday. He is a cheating coward and one day it will all catch up with him and then he is the loser, no words needed to prove that !

You are honest about your story. I respect that.

They say it's not the destination but the road that gets you there that matters. Not sure I fully agree with that, when we think of the journey too much we forget to live the now....

 

Your "now" is good, that's what matters doesn't it?

 

I know it's a double standard but for some reason, and not to take away from your pain because I know what it's like I lived that kind of betrayal too, but there seems to be a glaring difference for me when it is a fling vs a drawn out rel. affair. I just cannot comprehend people that overcome that level of betrayal??

 

I suppose that is what it boils down to for me. A lie vs a whole other life of a lie lived parallel to a life with someone...I can't wrap my head around that one. The notion that the person you sleep next you and that you spend so many intimate moments through a life time with, can be leading a double life like that while looking you in the eyes...I just don't get how you can forgive that, how you can still have love or admiration for that?

Now, had it been an Emotional A, then I don't believe I could have stayed in the M. Did he lie just to get me to stay by saying it was "just sex"? I'm sure some people will say yes, but you'd have to have seen how easily he ended it. If it had been about love, he wouldn't have moved on so easily.

I really think it was about wild oats and all that crap. I don't condone that whole attitude and he well knows it now.

I think it's harder for him to live with the things he did than me now. Does that make sense?

I didn't tell because the affair was over and I was trying to work on the marriage. I truly didn't want him to carry that hurt- I thought since I was the one who cheated then I should be the one to hold the shame and the guilt- not him.

I think it's harder for him to live with the things he did than me now. Does that make sense?

I think that people who really deeply regret their actions (no matter what those actions may be) have a much harder time living with those actions than do the people who love them. I also think that they are often unable to begin to forgive themselves until they receive forgiveness from the person from whom they most want forgiveness.

Why would they ever tell???? I got caught (not married we werer seperated) and told it all and I am glad I did, although he holds that over my head today, 5 years later. He knows if he tells me he cheated it makes what he has put me through s---- ! He does not want me to able to attack him for the very same thing he cuts me down for everyday. He is a cheating coward and one day it will all catch up with him and then he is the loser, no words needed to prove that !

If you feel like this, why do you stay married? What are the pluses that make these minuses worth the pain?

Because they're trying to minimize the damage, hoping the extent of their deceptions aren't discovered. They're doing it to protect themselves - it's always about THEM, and what they think is best for themselves.

 

It's like kids who get caught with their hands in the cookie jar. They'll say they ate only one cookie instead of four, hoping to diminish the consequences.

 

The cheater will lie and say the affair was only for x months, when really it was much longer. They'll lie and say the affair has been over for months, when really, it's not actually over. They'll lie and say they used condoms, when they didn't. They'll lie about how often they saw their affair partner. They'll lie about whether they loved their affair partner, or whether they told their affair partner they loved them and were going to leave the spouse. They'll lie about all kinds of little details that they think will make them look even worse in their spouse's eyes. They'll lie lie lie to protect themselves as much as they can.

The lying will continue for years, even decades. One of my wife's favorite lies is that she didn't reveal the awful truth even when saying she was because she didn't want to hurt me.

Such bull!

First she denied she cheated, then she said it happened once and she didn't like it, then she admitted it happened twice, but she didn't like it. This took 7 years.

Now, 13 years later she finally admitted it was a full on love affair of 2 years duration.

She knows I have stayed to protect our son's health.

I'm pretty bitter about her affairs and the huge lengths she is willing to go to lie and protect herself from being judged for cheating so completely.

Cheaters are willing to do anything to protect things they want materially, this is mostly a female trait as far as I can see. A cheating wife sees her security as being the chump she is married to and is just fine with using him. They see their sex/love life as being elsewhere and are fine going after it.

No conscience.

I have no idea anymore why I stay and it is all coming to an end soon. As someone said they lie to keep their material world and I think that is exactly what he has done. I have a lake house he loves and that is where I am moving this month. Everyoner tells me that he is only here because he has nowhere else to go, I would hate to believe that after all the love and years I have been with him. He always says he would not still be with me if he did not want to be, but where is he going to go? He is still adimit he did not cheat and I am crazy, he is not affectionate unless he wants some and that is rare these days.....something he gripped about for years, NOT ENOUGH, how ironic.

In my heart my biggest fear is that he may not have slept with her, but he was definitely in love with her from what I heard. My therapist said it was probably GSA (Genetic Sexual Attraction) and to give it time and do not give up. But I told him today I can no longer hold on when he is so cold and unemtional. Just loving her may have made him finally realize after all thses hard years that he is no longer in love with me, which is fine.....just be man enough to say ao and move on, that is why I am still here. He claims to love me unconditionally....whatever.

Now, had it been an Emotional A, then I don't believe I could have stayed in the M. Did he lie just to get me to stay by saying it was "just sex"? I'm sure some people will say yes, but you'd have to have seen how easily he ended it. If it had been about love, he wouldn't have moved on so easily.

I really think it was about wild oats and all that crap. I don't condone that whole attitude and he well knows it now.

I think it's harder for him to live with the things he did than me now. Does that make sense?

With all due respect you never really know what it was that made him do it. As I said before the way in which we choose to forgive is based on our own truths and what we tell our brains. OF course actions have to mimick that, in particular his actions, but the reason most cheaters don't tell the truth is because they CAN lie about it. Their goal is to get what they want no matter what, and yes even if it means having to lie some more.

I am not saying your H kept lying to you, but also what caught my attention was that you equate dumping the OP very easily to having no emotions. All MP dump the OP easily when they are caught, it is like a thief that gets caught in the act stealing something, he will drop the object like a hot potato and feel real remorse when faced with the concecuences of his crime, and genuinely feel in that moment like he will never do it again. They will share his crocodile tears to win over the authorities to give him one more chance.

Some theieves go on to never do it again, others are right back it only momentarily after they are caught.

So rather than using the "dropping like a hot potato" = no emotional ties, which to me is just a normal knee jerk reaction of what people do when they get caught doing something they are not supposed to do, maybe focus on what they do after that? Your H did not go back and THAT to me is the more telltale sign that they are ending an A when they are caught. Do they manage to stay away is the question.

If they do then chances are they were ready to move on, still you cannot say for sure there was no emotions there prior to that, or that ther reason they do keep going back IS for emotions, the only one that knows that is the person involved. He can say that and one chooses to beleive that and really it is up to you, not him. What IS up to him is to show you that he means his words, your H seemes to have done that.

Also think of normal relationships that breakup after a long time, some people break up and never look back, they are done and close that door and that's that. Does that mean that the 2 yrs that they spent with a person prior to that meant nothing? that they never loved their mate? Not necessarily, it just means some people can close the door on their pasts much easier than others, even if there were heavy feelings involved.

cj, it sounds like you've been very unhappy for quite some time. It's good that you are getting some therapy, as that helps us focus and get our thoughts in order so that we can see what changes we need to make in our lives. Good luck and I just know that happiness is ahead of you!!! Take good care of yourself.

This is the very reason I put this up? They do try to preserve their financial life. They want to preserve their reputation? We own a business and 99% of people do not know the horrible things I wouldn't tell anyone that he done to me. (at least I did feel this way) So recently, I started to tell others only if they would ask why I look sad or why didn't come with him to an event etc. I grew tired of keeping his secret and felt even more horrible that I did keep it. Finding out I also kept the secret because I was embarrassed! So its out and some have expressed opinions and some haven't.

You take care of you. Getting all these thoughts that you think no one else has or has been thru helps you more than you know. Since my posts many who have gone before me email and im me regularly and we share thougths and dreams for our future have been a God send. I am so grateful for this even with its problems it is a good thing.

At least here, you don't feel like a Jerry Springer show. Here others who have gone before you can tell their stories and sometimes you find a different way of thinking that you otherwise may not have.

abeliever

Thanks everyone as usual, you all repsond honestly because you have been through it and understand my pain. Sad to say, if you read my posts it is Jerry Spinger and that is BAD. You would probably wonder WHY the hell I have stayed this long. But we can only make our own choices no matter what anyone tells you....it is all up to us !

I love him and should not if he did what I accused him of, but I will never know and that alone will tear us apart !

In my heart my biggest fear is that he may not have slept with her, but he was definitely in love with her from what I heard.

Well what I'm about to say I don't believe is any excuse for cheating. I say if you feel the need to cheat, get out of the R.

But I am going to kind of ask the question that all the other entitlement princesses and princes out there always ask in a situation like this.

Since you cheated on him first, can you not see why he may have fallen for someone else?

[since you cheated on him first, can you not see why he may have fallen for someone else?

that's a fair question.

So if that question is asked one can also ask, "can people not see how a resentment that is built in some marriages from one partner towards the other lead them to commit adultery out of spite or resentment?"

when a person chooses to stay and work on a marraige after betrayal but cannot let go of the resentment and allows themselves to go after another person out of spite, how is that different from what a person does when they cheat out of spite for problems in the relationship or for being neglected or whatever the reason might be?

I have been on here a month or so and in my case and many others, the other Spouse never just comes clean? You have to uncover all that you can find knowing you will never find it all. I am asking - why not just tell your SO why you cheated on and give them closure? Why do they continue to just lie to your face knowing they are caught?????

Cheaters are liars in the first place. Why would you ever expect honesty?

I have been on here a month or so and in my case and many others, the other Spouse never just comes clean? You have to uncover all that you can find knowing you will never find it all. I am asking - why not just tell your SO why you cheated on and give them closure? Why do they continue to just lie to your face knowing they are caught?????

Because some of them just don't have the damn guts to own up to their own dirt. Sorry you are having to deal with this. I do know how it feels.

because they are sniveling chickenshi!ts.....thats why.

Amen to that!!

With all due respect you never really know what it was that made him do it. As I said before the way in which we choose to forgive is based on our own truths and what we tell our brains. OF course actions have to mimick that, in particular his actions, but the reason most cheaters don't tell the truth is because they CAN lie about it. Their goal is to get what they want no matter what, and yes even if it means having to lie some more.

 

I am not saying your H kept lying to you, but also what caught my attention was that you equate dumping the OP very easily to having no emotions. All MP dump the OP easily when they are caught, it is like a thief that gets caught in the act stealing something, he will drop the object like a hot potato and feel real remorse when faced with the concecuences of his crime, and genuinely feel in that moment like he will never do it again. They will share his crocodile tears to win over the authorities to give him one more chance.

Some theieves go on to never do it again, others are right back it only momentarily after they are caught.

 

 

So rather than using the "dropping like a hot potato" = no emotional ties, which to me is just a normal knee jerk reaction of what people do when they get caught doing something they are not supposed to do, maybe focus on what they do after that? Your H did not go back and THAT to me is the more telltale sign that they are ending an A when they are caught. Do they manage to stay away is the question.

 

If they do then chances are they were ready to move on, still you cannot say for sure there was no emotions there prior to that, or that ther reason they do keep going back IS for emotions, the only one that knows that is the person involved. He can say that and one chooses to beleive that and really it is up to you, not him. What IS up to him is to show you that he means his words, your H seemes to have done that.

 

Also think of normal relationships that breakup after a long time, some people break up and never look back, they are done and close that door and that's that. Does that mean that the 2 yrs that they spent with a person prior to that meant nothing? that they never loved their mate? Not necessarily, it just means some people can close the door on their pasts much easier than others, even if there were heavy feelings involved.

He could have kept denying until doomsday of the A. He came to me. I don't think he cared about the OW because he dumped her so easily.

You can have your opinion of what you think went on, but I trust my heart. It may not make any sense to you, but it does to me.

We're happy now. And if I continued to mistrust what he said then we wouldn't be happy now.

He's come clean about the whole A, yrs ago, and we are happier now than we were before the A.

I could sit here and pound out time after time of how wonderful he is and how remorseful he was because of the A, but you have to put things the way you see fit.

I trust my H.