My friend got caught cheating, any on him?

Hi all I'm writing for my friend under his consentment. He does know about this forum but is right now in depressed and chose not to write in fear of getting flamed and labeled horrible names which tends to happened too often.

He cheated on his girlfriend of 3 years last month with a married woman and was rather caught right away in his house.They are both working it out and as a result she still does not want to go back to his apartment nor get intimate with him yet. He told me how he would do anything to make himself trusthworthy again, even give his accounts.

She decided to forgive him so if he was writing what would you have suggested to him. Mostly what can he do to make her overcome, if possible get rid of what just took placed? Any suggestions because I don't know much about this, he wants advice soo badly right now as the girl is depress as well too.

If you going to post about how she should have dumb that sumbag, don't even bother. She already made the choice of working it out with him.

Has he fully examined his own reasons for cheating in the first place? And has he resolved those issues? And discussed them with his gf?

Because if he hasn't done that, then his gf has no reason to trust that he won't cheat again when he is tempted by some other woman he meets.

Has he fully examined his own reasons for cheating in the first place? And has he resolved those issues? And discussed them with his gf?

I don't really know what they talked about as it really is not my business but I do know the reason he told me he did what he did. He was a total jerk who kept going on for like almost 2 weeks at it when there was nothing lacking in the relationship and intimacy was awesome. He told me how he realize what a jerk he was and loves his girlfriend soo badly will do anything, that he doesn't want to lose her.

So give the fact that she had to witnessed it there how can that be worked out? I think I suggested him to buy her many flowers, I don't know much about this, any other suggestions.

I don't really know what they talked about as it really is not my business but I do know the reason he told me he did what he did. He was a total jerk who kept going on for like almost 2 weeks at it when there was nothing lacking in the relationship and intimacy was awesome. He told me how he realize what a jerk he was and loves his girlfriend soo badly will do anything, that he doesn't want to lose her.

 

So give the fact that she had to witnessed it there how can that be worked out? I think I suggested him to buy her many flowers, I don't know much about this, any other suggestions.

Problem is, he's still the same guy, the jerk. Just because he realized he was a jerk doesn't provide any comfort that he won't do it again because he's the same guy. Flowers and attention are nice, but they aren't convincing that he won't cheat again when he meets some woman that turns him on.

He's just going to have to give it a lot of TIME and PROVE himself to be trustworthy - by NOT cheating - before she'll be able to trust him again.

There's nothing he can do to speed up the process so he feels better. His gf was betrayed in the worst possible way, and he's just going to have to ride it out until trust is rebuilt. You can't build trust through flowers. Anyone can buy flowers - that's easy. It's acting with integrity that's hard for him, apparently.

Problem is, he's still the same guy, the jerk. Just because he realized he was a jerk doesn't provide any comfort that he won't do it again because he's the same guy.

Well I don't know, he was really in tears as a result. I know my friend for years and he wouldn't lie to me. He told me how he won't ever do it again but he's trying to prove it to her while she keeps asking ''But how would I know you don't hurt me like that again, how do I get over what I saw''? and they both end up crying.

He's just going to have to give it a lot of TIME and PROVE himself to be trustworthy - by NOT cheating - before she'll be able to trust him again.

Yes he is willing to give it all and time it takes her to trust him again. He told me he doesn't mind if it takes years, that he will make it work out.

Well I don't know, he was really in tears as a result. I know my friend for years and he wouldn't lie to me. He told me how he won't ever do it again but he's trying to prove it to her while she keeps asking ''But how would I know you don't hurt me like that again, how do I get over what I saw''? and they both end up crying.

That's just it, though. How does he know he won't do it again? He did it the first time, and I'm guessing he hadn't planned to be a cheater before he cheated. Did he know he was the kind of guy who would cheat? If not, then he doesn't know that he's suddenly become the kind of guy who could never cheat? He's already proven that he can and did cheat.

That's why his gf doesn't know, either.

There's no way to prove it to her, except by not being a cheater again. And the proof can only be shown over time.

Also, his tears could just be because he got caught and could lose his gf. Not because he actually regrets having sex with someone else. He sure enjoyed it while he was doing it, right? He could be upset at the consequences of his cheating, rather than being upset WITH HIMSELF for being the kind of selfish, self-centered person who could hurt his gf like that simply so he could get what his penis wanted. That's certainly how his gf could see his tears.

There's no way to prove it to her, except by not being a cheater again. And the proof can only be shown over time.

Exactly what I think too, it is only time that will tell whether he will be a cheater again or not. I say if 2 or more years passed by and he remains faithful, then there's the proof.

Also, his tears could just be because he got caught and could lose his gf. Not because he actually regrets having sex with someone else. He sure enjoyed it while he was doing it, right? He could be upset at the consequences of his cheating, rather than being upset WITH HIMSELF for being the kind of selfish, self-centered person who could hurt his gf like that simply so he could get what his penis wanted. That's certainly how his gf could see his tears.

True I do got to agree on that one because honestly I don't think he would have stop had she not gone to his house. I imagine it would have kept going on for more weeks, months if possible. Though he does express how he hates himself for the damage and pain he caused her. I do think he is remorseful. And as far as history yes it is the first he ever cheated on a girlfriend, he never did it on any of his 3 previous ex's, rather he would dump them and then move on to next girl.

Was your friend caught by the husband. If so, he has bigger problems to worry about. How did he get out of the situation? In addition, at the very least he should be tested for STD's before even thinking about getting intimate again with his girlfriend.

Was your friend caught by the husband. If so, he has bigger problems to worry about. How did he get out of the situation? In addition, at the very least he should be tested for STD's before even thinking about getting intimate again with his girlfriend.

No it was rather at his apartment and the girlfriend just wanted to come over and bang, big surprise. The husband is completely unaware of it as he was probably far away in his own house or working. As how did he got out, I don't know as my friend didn't want to tell me all the rest of the details. But from what I know, there was no catfight, the girlfriend isn't really a fighter so she walk out in tears, if it was me, I would have beat the both of them up.

In addition, at the very least he should be tested for STD's before even thinking about getting intimate again with his girlfriend.

I agree on it, I'll tell him about it when I get a chance to talk to him.

Definitely second the STI testing.

Also Norajane's suggestions; his current rationales are in no way introspective and are just a form of gaslighting his gf. He cheated for himself, so what need in him motivated him to seek validation from this married woman? Attention he feels he lacks in this relationship? Or is he satisfied with his relationship, but felt the need to seek out excitement and newness?

The fact that he ended relationships in the past in order to be with other women -- but did not do that here -- is telling.

One major step he can do is to have absolutely no contact with the married woman, even if it means quitting his job and changing his phone number/email accounts. He's going to have to be understanding of his gf's need to monitor his activities a bit more closely. I still don't think it will be enough.

I am not trying to be mean, but the fact that your friend will not even come to a forum himself because he is afraid of being flamed speaks volumes of his character. He sounds like he needs a lot of growing up to do.

That being said, he can never un-do what he did and his wife will never forget. If she truly forgave him, then he should give her time and not push her to have sex with him. He sounds like he cares about himself more than his wife, but I digress.

I agree with the others. He needs to find out why he cheated in the first place. Was the marriage lacking sex and were they just like room mates? Did he think he could do better? Did his friends encourage him? What were the reasons why he did this and why did he lack such respect for his marriage vows that he would do it in the first place?

He will not be able to fix this until he answers those questions. Then, he can work on trying to make his wife trust him again.

he can never un-do what he did and his wife will never forget. If she truly forgave him, then he should give her time and not push her to have sex with him. He sounds like he cares about himself more than his wife, but I digress.

 

What were the reasons why he did this and why did he lack such respect for his marriage vows that he would do it in the first place.

His wife??? Do read my post again, no where did I mention he is married. I stated what he would have probably wrote had he come on this forum. It's his girlfriend he cheated on with a married woman.

I'm guessing he must have now already read what I just wrote and all the response but damn, can't convince him to register on this forum. Then again I'm only writing for him as he ask me to. Though he been thinking of writing something back but it would probably be on this same sn, only it will be himself.

I'm sorry for misreading the post. I read a lot yesterday.

Anyway, my advice is the same. He needs to figure out why he did what he did and prevent this from happening again. Otherwise, he may just repeat it. The trust has been broken. She can forgive, but never forget. The only thing he can do is worship at her feet now and win back her trust (if possible). He can't push her into getting intimate with him so soon after his indiscretion. It's sick for him to even think about it, which makes me think that he is self-centered and more concerned about getting what he wants and putting this behind him rather than let his girlfriend heal in the time she needs.

I really do think your friend has a lot of growing up to do, though. The fact that he is too afraid of being chastised by strangers and take his medicine in the comments shows that he has a lot of maturing to do. I'm glad he is not my SO. I'm not trying to be mean, but your friend did a horrible thing. More power to the girlfriend to be able to take him back - I don't think I would have.

He can't push her into getting intimate with him so soon after his indiscretion. It's sick for him to even think about it, which makes me think that he is self-centered and more concerned about getting what he wants and putting this behind him rather than let his girlfriend heal in the time she needs.

I agree. This whole thing sounds like he's mostly concerned with himself - he's afraid to lose his gf, he's upset she won't have sex with him, he wants to hurry up his gf and have her trust him so he can feel better about cheating, he cheated while the relationship was going well only because he wanted to have sex with the married woman, he doesn't seem to be the least bit concerned that he was an accomplice to that married woman cheating on and hurting her husband, it's all about him.

I agree. This whole thing sounds like he's mostly concerned with himself - he's afraid to lose his gf, he's upset she won't have sex with him, he wants to hurry up his gf and have her trust him so he can feel better about cheating, he cheated while the relationship was going well only because he wanted to have sex with the married woman, he doesn't seem to be the least bit concerned that he was an accomplice to that married woman cheating on and hurting her husband, it's all about him.

I agree then again I'm only writing my side of the side, I don't know how he would have written had he been on this forum. As for him pressuring her to be intimate I don't know that, I would have to ask him but that's not my business. I think he will reply sometime tonite, yes he did saw all the replies so is he welcome here on this forum?

how old is this man and what history does he have? has he been married or committed to a woman before and remained faithful?

those things will be useful to understand as the facts of his ability to understand what faithful entails will determine what the more likely outcome will be.

if he isn't remorseful that he did this and only sorry he was caught then that shows that he will more likely just do it again without any conscience about harming someone he "claims" to love.

how old is this man and what history does he have? has he been married or committed to a woman before and remained faithful?

He will be turning 24 on June and as far as commitment history, all I know is he has never cheated before but would dump his 3 previous ex's before moving on to next woman. He would tell them that it was over and he wants to start seeing others, in other words he would be straight forward about it, no lies, no secrets. So it surprise me big time that he would cheat (he would say to me how he woudl never cheat in his life and would rather break up than hurt the girl) this time and with a married woman.

if he isn't remorseful that he did this and only sorry he was caught then that shows that he will more likely just do it again without any conscience about harming someone he "claims" to love.

I do believe he is remorseful, that's what he has expressed to me. I know him for years, I'm his close friend and I'm the first person to know how he is feeling and when he's mad, sad, etc. so he would not lie to me. I do agree that if my man did this to me, nope no way I would take him back.

He will be turning 24 on June and as far as commitment history, all I know is he has never cheated before but would dump his 3 previous ex's before moving on to next woman. He would tell them that it was over and he wants to start seeing others, in other words he would be straight forward about it, no lies, no secrets. So it surprise me big time that he would cheat (he would say to me how he woudl never cheat in his life and would rather break up than hurt the girl) this time and with a married woman.

It looks like the main difference this time is that this particular woman was married, so he couldn't just dump his gf and move on to the next woman - since she already has a husband and isn't available to date and be his gf openly and be with him any time he wants.

So, he did the next best thing (for him) and had sex with the married woman until he got caught. Now, he is all upset because his gf won't have sex with him and he doesn't want to get dumped (he never has before - he's always done the dumping!) because he doesn't have a new woman lined up.

It looks like the main difference this time is that this particular woman was married, so he couldn't just dump his gf and move on to the next woman - since she already has a husband and isn't available to date and be his gf openly and be with him any time he wants.

 

So, he did the next best thing (for him) and had sex with the married woman until he got caught. Now, he is all upset because his gf won't have sex with him and he doesn't want to get dumped (he never has before - he's always done the dumping!) because he doesn't have a new woman lined up.

good point NJ - not to mention the fact that he may be sad and sorry mainly because he can't have the one who is married. the fact that he went back to the GF shows nothing about true motives since the MW is unavailable.

leaves me wondering if he would have dumped the GF for the MW had she not been married... i'm sure the GF has wondered the same thing. sucks to be considered as a low priority.

Alright if you want to put labels and assume things not there fine, I can careless. I see how this got so distorted and my friend did not do a good job in expressing my feelings on this so guess I just have to tell it my version.

Hi all I'm writing for my friend under his consentment. He does know about this forum but is right now in depressed and chose not to write in fear of getting flamed and labeled horrible names which tends to happened too often.

He cheated on his girlfriend of 3 years last month with a married woman and was rather caught right away in his house.They are both working it out and as a result she still does not want to go back to his apartment nor get intimate with him yet. He told me how he would do anything to make himself trusthworthy again, even give his accounts.

 

She decided to forgive him so if he was writing what would you have suggested to him. Mostly what can he do to make her overcome, if possible get rid of what just took placed? Any suggestions because I don't know much about this, he wants advice soo badly right now as the girl is depress as well too.

I say once a cheater always a cheater, and hopefully for your friends sake this husband doesn't come after him with a baseball bat(hopefully the H found out and is taking steps to divorce his wife)

But he wants to know what to do to gain her trust back? Well, he'll NEVER gain it back 100%. He may be able to make headway, but never 100% ever again.

So what does he do? Easy, he becomes an open book. And if he wants to prove to her he won't do it again, then sorry, he is going to have to give up some freedoms....such as:

-not going out drinking and staying out til the wee hours of the morning partying somewhere without her

-give her access to cell phone records, chats, texts, email passwords, stupid myspace/facebook account info....for as long as it takes before she no longer feels the need to check on him and make sure he is flying the straight and narrow.

Things like that. And if he isn't willing to do any of that, then I guess she isn't that damn important to him.

If you going to post about how she should have dumb that sumbag, don't even bother. She already made the choice of working it out with him.

Well it is HIM that needs to do more of the work in working it out. Basically he needs to be humble, give her what she wants. If she asks for explanations, access to accounts, then he needs to be an open book.

If she tells him she isn't comfortable with him doing any particular activity that is more condusive to cheating, then he needs to show her he cares about her by not doing those activities.

Again, if he isn't willing to do that, then tell him to move on to his next victim.

just a side question, do you know whether the MW's husband found out and what is happening there?

And does your friend feel any remorse for boffing a married woman?

So what does he do? Easy, he becomes an open book. And if he wants to prove to her he won't do it again, then sorry, he is going to have to give up some freedoms....such as:

 

-not going out drinking and staying out til the wee hours of the morning partying somewhere without her

 

-give her access to cell phone records, chats, texts, email passwords, stupid myspace/facebook account info....for as long as it takes before she no longer feels the need to check on him and make sure he is flying the straight and narrow.

 

Well it is HIM that needs to do more of the work in working it out. Basically he needs to be humble, give her what she wants. If she asks for explanations, access to accounts, then he needs to be an open book.

 

If she tells him she isn't comfortable with him doing any particular activity that is more condusive to cheating, then he needs to show her he cares about her by not doing those activities.

Oh thank you, that was the best advice given to him. Yes he is going to give her all his accounts, like he stated he would do anything to make himself trustworthy again.

just a side question, do you know whether the MW's husband found out and what is happening there?

No I don't know but my guess is that the husband is still unaware of it, poor man.

And does your friend feel any remorse for boffing a married woman?

Yes he does, he even post here just recently at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t177522/ . He's been crying about it and how horrible he was.

I believe that infidelity can be forgiven and that a relationship can move on from it - maybe to a better place. But in all of the stories I ghave read about here and witnessed myself - when a person visually sees their partner in the act (either in person or pics) it is virtually impossible to get those images out of your head. I havent heard of anyone getting over that.