What social skills are necessary in order to be approached by desirable strangers?

Location, location, location.

To be approached by desirable strangers you must first define what makes these strangers desirable. Then it is fairly easy to determine where and in what groups / circles strangers with these desirable characteristics hang out.

By being minimally conversant in whatever the subject of their gathering is....you are made approachable. Done.

Practice in lab

I'm not certain what this means. Is this another inside joke?

Location, location, location.

 

To be approached by desirable strangers you must first define what makes these strangers desirable. Then it is fairly easy to determine where and in what groups / circles strangers with these desirable characteristics hang out.

 

By being minimally conversant in whatever the subject of their gathering is....you are made approachable. Done.

Well, the first part (identifying what makes them desirable) is pretty simple. I don't really understand the rest of this, though. To be more specific, in some situations the location thing is already done for me (e.g. class or work-training environments). In others, I'm assuming you're making a point regarding identifying possible hangouts inasmuch as possible hangouts can be stereotyped from cultural associations with the desirable people (which IME isn't as easy as one might think).

But what I'm missing entirely is what would start getting "I don't think I met you. I'm Jamaal." or "Hi. I'm Kylie." or "You interested in teaming up for this one?" on a routine basis.

Since it appears school is your life, and you hole up outside of the classroom, take a class which has lab (chemistry, for example) where you 'team up' and socialize with other students while learning. Great place to practice your social skills.

Since it appears school is your life, and you hole up outside of the classroom, take a class which has lab (chemistry, for example) where you 'team up' and socialize with other students while learning. Great place to practice your social skills.

Nah, it's not that school is currently my life (though I'll admit in recent months past it pretty much was), but it's been a rather treacherous recent situation and I'd really like to learn how to put an end to this sort of thing in that environment. It is precisely those situations of teaming up where genuine, direct, good-faith approaches from high-powered individuals is not happening, however, and repeating the experience in class after class isn't teaching me the ability to start it happening. That is why I am asking advice on this matter. I'm extremely sick and tired of reliving the same experience again and again and again, year after year after decade. "Practicing social skills" and expecting a situation to get better is pointless if one doesn't know what the skill in question that would fix the situation even is.

However, that is not the only situation wherein I might find it to be of interest to have desirable strangers directly approach me, and I am also interested in learning the necessary skills to begin that as well in other venues. It is tiresome and frustrating, however, to keep slogging through "people skills" books which have nothing to offer but fantasies (does anyone really believe that "mirroring" can be accomplished and will immediately elicit a direct approach in, say, the split-seconds one might have before someone in a fast-moving situation passes by and/or one passes them by?).

Wait a minute. What do you mean "desirable?"

Don't tell me you think the popular, pretty-type girls in school are actually going to go after you? Why would they do that- are you offering them something? Are you good-looking? Are you suave or funny? Are you mature as in look older? Girls like the gray hair complex... Religious? What would make them interested? Athletic? Smart in class? Have a sort of "My parents are rich" phenomenon going on? Got a sort-of arrogance, *******-complex? (it works) Got a good fashion sense? Wear your hair in a boy-band type of style?

You can be a nice regular guy and get a girlfriend- that's not what I mean. What I'm saying is at a party, where there is a girl and she doesn't know you, you are going to need something to get her to a) notice you b) risk embarrasment to talk to you. Sorry, but the hot chick sliding up against the dorky guy who is a stranger that happens in movies doesn't happen in real life very often.

Why don't you approach them?

It may be different from where I from but girls my age don't walk across the room to some lone mopey-looking guy and ask for his number. Like that's not going to happen. We may slide in to the conversation that excites us (Oh, I know that band too)- we may get our girls to introduce us (This is my friend XXX), but I have never seen a girl just approach a strange guy out of random unless he had some qualities and was desperate- maturity (like an older guy), looked wealthy, looked classy, looked mysterious, was nice-looking, looked like a classic bad guy, looked like fantastic sex on a stick to her etc etc-- and even then it is with hesitation.

It's dangerous for women to approach strangers.

"Don't talk to strangers" - they teach us, remember?? Plus, girls hear too may horror stories about going off with strange men. (Stay near your friends, they tell us. Keep within the guidelines) I'm just saying- we're young and we're having a good time, but we're also wary (news says we got to be). You would have to be pleasing enough for us to risk it or you will need to do the introductions to make us feel comfortable.

I'm saying this because I have seen some of my umm...somewhat "regular" guy friends stand around parties and stare after "desirable" girls. They were ignored, effectively. The times they got lucky was because some of the girls were drunk and were willing to make out with the first guy standing beside them.

I have seen men approach women- good lord yes (all types of men) but I rarely see it going the other way, unless like I said the guy was cool and popular already (meaning she already saw, heard, and knew of him). It could just be because there is an imbalance in the ratio- there are a ton of men who for some reason are outgoing enough to approach a pretty woman and she may umm... not notice the nice guy standing in the back.

The nice guy staring at her may creep her out too...

I don't know if this changes as women grow older but as we're young- we get hit on enough. We soak up the compliments but rarely dish them out.

Typical young adult behavior:

If my friend sees someone she likes but is a stranger (and is not drunk on alcohol) she'd say something like this:

Friend: He's cute but I don't know him... Should I go over and talk?... Why is he standing alone?

<she'll probably check out your clothes to see what type of guy you are- do you look too self-conscious, or are you the gothic type, the rapper wannabe, how do you wear your jeans ie with a belt on your waist, or sagging, or baggy or tight, your shoes- reebox, kswiss, the new jordans>

Since she doesn't know you, she's trying to figure you out just be appearances so of course it will be superficially based. For a lot people, how you look/dress/hold yourself can make it or break it. You must see this is for her own benefit as well- if you're not her type, she'll know right off the back. If you're too creepy, she'll know too.

Me: I don't know. He's just hanging out, I guess.

Friend: < most often, it'll end there but if she deems you okay> What should I say to him? How do I introduce myself to a total stranger? (same problem you have) <people are as self-conscious as you are>

Me: I don't know. He may already have a girlfriend and anyway, it'll be totally awkward

Friend: You're right. What would I say if I go over there? <she'll do a conversation in her head>

Me: If you really want to do it, you can just bark off questions left and right. People like to talk about themselves a lot.

Friend: <if through all of that, she still thinks it's worth it> Will you come with me??

She'll drag her friend over there to you.

So, that's how it goes. Now, granted, if she is drunk at a college party, she may be over there in a heartbeat, with or without her friend:eek:...

After reading several years of thematically similar threads from you, with what sounds like virtually no progress being made, I have to strongly suggest you get some help from a real, live person - maybe a counselor or therapist, life coach, relationship counselor, or something similar. Somebody who can interact with you in real life and make some suggestions based on those observations.

I've got to be honest and "direct", a word that you use quite often: my consistent impression from your posts (going way back) is that if I didn't know anything about you, you are not somebody that I would like to meet in a social, work, or classroom setting - and maybe even someone I would avoid.

Your posts show a lack of understanding of some basic elements of human interaction (your blase dismissal of eye contact/body language because "it doesn't work for me"; it's not just that you don't get the jokes, you aren't even sure whether they are jokes or not; your persistent attempts to reduce human interaction to a kind of a machine-like input/output, deterministic cause-and-effect, computer program-like structure etc...) And frankly, your insistence on what you won't tolerate, and statements like these:

I don't plan on rewarding ineptitude or slow reflexes, though.

I don't plan on tolerating backward behavior..., social cowardice or ineptitude, or any such behavior from anyone under any circumstances, regardless of their gender.

or this classic thread:

Is there a way of communicating "Get real. You'll need to seriously step it up to have a chance with me. If you can't handle that, then get lost." to an entire social culture?

...seem to reveal a kind of arrogance and entitlement that I don't think I would like to associate with.

Now, having said all that, you might reasonably reply that I can't possibly determine all that about you, just from your text postings here. I would agree, and turning that very same logic around, you can't expect people here, from just your text postings, to be able to give you a fully-informed perspective on all the subtleties of your situation. Human interaction is about interacting with humans, so if something is going wrong, you can't fully examine it in text, nor can you reduce it to a simple set of deterministic instructions that will "get you high-value, desirable approaches."

There's something going on - something intangible, something indirect, something unspoken, or something else, that is a problem for you and your interactions with others. You speak of your own failure with such certainty: you consider ideas of eye contact and body language to be "theories" because "they've not gotten me even one approach in my lifetime." Yet you apparently see those around you interacting with some kind of success that you can't even touch, let alone duplicate with any confidence. Something is going on that several years of posting isn't getting to the bottom of.

I'm not saying you shouldn't or don't have a right to post here, or anything like that. It's just not getting you anywhere. You will need to seek skilled, personal, face-to-face help to make any progress on this.

Lights, my advice to you would be to lighten up a little bit From reading your responses to the other posters comments, you seem as though you might be more than a little tense and that is a big turn off to anyone when it comes to approaching people

After reading several years of thematically similar threads from you, with what sounds like virtually no progress being made, I have to strongly suggest you get some help from a real, live person - maybe a counselor or therapist, life coach, relationship counselor, or something similar. Somebody who can interact with you in real life and make some suggestions based on those observations.

I'd theoretically recommend that too, but somehow this topic (getting basic direct approaches) is so touchy a subject that people will do their best to dodge it. I've never figured out why.

And frankly, your insistence on what you won't tolerate, and statements like these:...seem to reveal a kind of arrogance and entitlement that I don't think I would like to associate with.

Is it truly such arrogance? Certainly you're quite aware that if I embody those same attributes (e.g. cowardice, being slow to act, etc.), I would myself be rejected and/or ignored? Why is it such arrogance to hold people to the very same standards they hold me? I don't see anyone accusing all the people of my culture of such arrogance with regards to what they don't view too highly, do I? Funny how no one condemns them for their "entitlement" to choose from what they themselves prefer.

It does not matter. Should you truly find me so repellent, you need not associate with me further.

Wait a minute. What do you mean "desirable?"

Depends on the location, purpose for possible interaction, and the like. I've given a few examples earlier in the post.

Don't tell me you think the popular, pretty-type girls in school are actually going to go after you? Why would they do that- are you offering them something?

In schools or in any other venue, yes, and regardless of "type" or gender. That sort of talk is a game that anyone can play--I could ask the same of nearly anyone in the world: What do they offer me?

"Don't talk to strangers" - they teach us, remember??

I don't plan on rewarding childish backwardness. I am an adult, as are the people who I may seek.

I'd theoretically recommend that too, but somehow this topic (getting basic direct approaches) is so touchy a subject that people will do their best to dodge it. I've never figured out why.

It's not at all "touchy." The reason you don't get a lot of responses is because nobody can really understand what your real obstacle is. All the advice you are given is sound - to get approaches, you have to be approachable - which includes eye contact, body language, a generally decent appearance, and something else that it's hard to describe: a "vibe", a human energy, that can't be quantized as some kind of cookbook recipe, but it has to start with liking yourself and your life, and enjoying interacting with people . It's not touchy at all

I think we can tell some things from your posts about your attitude, etc., but we can't tell everything about how you "come off" to others from just your posts, exactly what your obstacle is - that's why my suggestion to get some help from a real person. Have you given this any thought?

Is it truly such arrogance? Certainly you're quite aware that if I embody those same attributes (e.g. cowardice, being slow to act, etc.), I would myself be rejected and/or ignored?

Logically, don't you have to give serious consideration to the conclusion that if you are getting rejected and ignored, that you do have some kind of attributes that are not attractive to other people, and that that should be your first area of focus?

Why is it such arrogance to hold people to the very same standards they hold me? I don't see anyone accusing all the people of my culture of such arrogance with regards to what they don't view too highly, do I? Funny how no one condemns them for their "entitlement" to choose from what they themselves prefer.

I don't condemn anybody - you included - who chooses who they do and do not associate with. You, however, are condemning "your culture" for not choosing you, and while you are having apparently ZERO success at social interaction, you still take the attitude that you will not "tolerate" anything less than perfection from those around you, and disparage them for not approaching you. Do you know the phrase "beggars can't be choosers?"

It does not matter. Should you truly find me so repellent, you need not associate with me further.

I understand and agree. If you'll read my statement more carefully, I put it as "if I didn't know anything about you," i.e. if I were one of your classmates. In fact, I would be fascinated to observe you in real life, as for someone to be right in the middle of an inherently social situation, but to be having ZERO success at any interactions, I have to imagine there is something going on - or missing - interpersonally.

I don't plan on rewarding childish backwardness. I am an adult, as are the people who I may seek.

Can you give us some examples of these childish, backward, cowardly, inept behaviors that you seadfastly refuse to "reward?"

It's not at all "touchy." The reason you don't get a lot of responses is because nobody can really understand what your real obstacle is...

I think we can tell some things from your posts about your attitude, etc., but we can't tell everything about how you "come off" to others from just your posts, exactly what your obstacle is - that's why my suggestion to get some help from a real person. Have you given this any thought?

A bit of error in communication there; I meant that it's touchy even for those sorts of people, and even they dodge it. I wasn't referring to the forum there.

Logically, don't you have to give serious consideration to the conclusion that if you are getting rejected and ignored, that you do have some kind of attributes that are not attractive to other people, and that that should be your first area of focus?

Were that possibly true, I can't for the life of me figure out what such a thing could possibly be were that the case. Seriously, what could possibly be so repellent about a random individual passing by, or about unidentified person sitting in a chair writing notes, or any similar thing, and that would not be something that other people would tolerate were it to come from people other than me?

I don't condemn anybody - you included - who chooses who they do and do not associate with. You, however, are condemning "your culture" for not choosing you, and while you are having apparently ZERO success at social interaction, you still take the attitude that you will not "tolerate" anything less than perfection from those around you, and disparage them for not approaching you. Do you know the phrase "beggars can't be choosers?"

If they expect any given standard, perfection or otherwise, from me, I expect that very same standard from them, period. If doing so then leaves me entirely alone as a result of nobody being able or willing to match said standard, the result then shows how hypocritical they are for daring to embody dereliction of said standard while demanding compliance with said standard.

Not that I'm expecting perfection, or that perfection even is the standard in question.

I find this rather tiresome. I didn't post this up in order to start more arguments. No one ever goes on ranting about this stuff if it was someone else who got approached.

 

I find this rather tiresome. I didn't post this up in order to start more arguments. No one ever goes on ranting about this stuff if it was someone else who got approached.

It doesn't seem that you're trying to be argumentative, but sometimes it is difficult to face that 'we' are the problem and not others around us. Not that I meant, we as in us, but we as in you. And great, now I am babbling See what happens when I get full flavor Pepsi in my system?

Hi,

Your questions are answered in the book:

"Pretending to Be Normal: Living With Asperger's Syndrome."

By saying this, I do not mean to imply that you have, or don't have, Asperger's Syndrome. I don't know you. However, the book gives excellent advice in clear and concrete language, and is useful for anyone who needs a primer on the most basic questions of social skills.

Also, please consider that as you gain the necessary skills, your perception of the problem will inevitably be colored by your new knowledge. You may discover that you are asking the wrong question.

For example: Someone with little computer knowledge might ask the question: "How can the computer do what I want better?" After becoming an expert in computer technology, they might discover that to be the wrong question, and ask: "How can I give the computer clearer instructions as to what I want it to do?"

Similarly, you will probably come to realize that in order to influence a social situation, you must first be a participant in the situation. Expecting desirable strangers to approach you while you do nothing is one example of expecting to exert influence over a situation where you are not a participant. The crucial lesson is that you have to do something.

But in a social context, "doing something" is automatically an approach, even if it's just eye contact or laughing at someone's joke. In fact, the question of "who approaches who" turns out to be meaningless. From the very first second of the social interaction, both people are approaching each other. So learning how to be approached is one and the same with learning how to conduct approaches.

If you accept this, then I also recommend the book:

"How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships."

Good luck -

For example: Someone with little computer knowledge might ask the question: "How can the computer do what I want better?" After becoming an expert in computer technology, they might discover that to be the wrong question, and ask: "How can I give the computer clearer instructions as to what I want it to do?"

That would be excellent. Unfortunately, I have a suspicion that most everyone where I come from couldn't care less what I want them to do, and yet they expect me to play along with what they might want me to do. It's frustrating.

But in a social context, "doing something" is automatically an approach, even if it's just eye contact or laughing at someone's joke. In fact, the question of "who approaches who" turns out to be meaningless. From the very first second of the social interaction, both people are approaching each other. So learning how to be approached is one and the same with learning how to conduct approaches.

If you really believe that learning to conduct an approach is one and the same skill as learning to be approached, why then do I see such unbelievably extreme disparity in the number and quality of approaches I perform versus the number and quality of approaches performed towards me?

And as for the idea of "the question of 'who approaches who' turns out to be meaningless', that's pure nonsense. Do you think I really enjoy "friendships" with "friends" who somehow are so unwilling to even send an IM or email, and only even consider meeting up at all when I do the initiating?

Though I thank you for the book recommendations and your willingness to offer advice on this matter, I do find it rather suspicious that your first post on this board specifically pitches products. However, I offer the benefit of that doubt on that issue, since clearly you've been willing to take this somewhat seriously unlike some other posters here.

Similarly, you will probably come to realize that in order to influence a social situation, you must first be a participant in the situation. Expecting desirable strangers to approach you while you do nothing is one example of expecting to exert influence over a situation where you are not a participant. The crucial lesson is that you have to do something.

 

But in a social context, "doing something" is automatically an approach, even if it's just eye contact or laughing at someone's joke. In fact, the question of "who approaches who" turns out to be meaningless. From the very first second of the social interaction, both people are approaching each other. So learning how to be approached is one and the same with learning how to conduct approaches.

Man, I think these are brilliant points, well stated.

It's not at all "touchy." The reason you don't get a lot of responses is because nobody can really understand what your real obstacle is...

I think we can tell some things from your posts about your attitude, etc., but we can't tell everything about how you "come off" to others from just your posts, exactly what your obstacle is - that's why my suggestion to get some help from a real person. Have you given this any thought?

A bit of error in communication there; I meant that it's touchy even for those sorts of people, and even they dodge it. I wasn't referring to the forum there.

Are you saying that you believe that professional counselors, therapists, and the like, find this subject matter so touchy that they "dodge" it if you seek help from them? Have you experienced this? I had a therapist for 2 years, and she never dodged anything I wanted to bring up, and actually encouraged me to explore and discuss my social interactions with others. That sounds really incongruous with the purpose of counseling... Is this a real experience you had, or your expectation of how "those sorts of people" would react to your issues?

If you really believe that learning to conduct an approach is one and the same skill as learning to be approached, why then do I see such unbelievably extreme disparity in the number and quality of approaches I perform versus the number and quality of approaches performed towards me?

I wouldn't imagine that one could subjectively evaluate the "quality" of one's own approaches. And the only way of objectively evaluating them would be to somehow measure how successful they are (in your example, at generating "approaches" in return, yes?) Your subjective evaluation of your own approaches as "quality" is not consistent with the objective observation that they are not working. So which is more logical to conclude: that all the rest of the world is crazy, hypocritical, and backwards, or that your own approaches are not the "quality" you believe them to be?

Though I thank you for the book recommendations and your willingness to offer advice on this matter, I do find it rather suspicious that your first post on this board specifically pitches products.

Wow. See, now there's an interesting interpersonal stumble that you probably don't even get. You do realize, don't you, that you specifically mentioned that you were looking for books, that you were having no luck, and then asked what people recommended:

I've recently been looking around into "people skills" type books for further information on this issue. It's very strange; it doesn't seem to be a skill that's covered by anyone.

 

Is anyone here actively working on this particular skill? I'd be curious what methods you are using.

... and then you express suspicion at someone directly answering the question (what methods are you using?) in the context you, yourself, laid out (books). That doesn't make you seem very approachable...

My point is not to be argumentative - although it may well sound like it - but I believe that you are harboring some fundamental misunderstandings about human interactions, and I'm trying to get you to recognize that - even as it happens in your interactions here on the forum.

Is this a real experience you had, or your expectation of how "those sorts of people" would react to your issues?

Sorry, but this I won't answer further over the internet.

I wouldn't imagine that one could subjectively evaluate the "quality" of one's own approaches. And the only way of objectively evaluating them would be to somehow measure how successful they are (in your example, at generating "approaches" in return, yes?) Your subjective evaluation of your own approaches as "quality" is not consistent with the objective observation that they are not working.

I'd have to disagree here.

"Hi. I'm [name]. I just thought I'd meet you." Whatever one's judgement of the quality of that approach, it's clear that I'm attempting that infinitely more often than I'm receiving that.

So which is more logical to conclude: that all the rest of the world is crazy, hypocritical, and backwards, or that your own approaches are not the "quality" you believe them to be?

Are the two conclusions necessarily mutually exclusive? There is also the issue of number of approaches.

Wow. See, now there's an interesting interpersonal stumble that you probably don't even get. You do realize, don't you, that you specifically mentioned that you were looking for books, that you were having no luck, and then asked what people recommended:

... and then you express suspicion at someone directly answering the question (what methods are you using?) in the context you, yourself, laid out (books). That doesn't make you seem very approachable...

Good point there. My suspicion was that usually most posters who advertise on their first posts are spambots. I wouldn't hold such a thing against a human with good intentions (thus that response on my part).

I'm sorry to hear that from you all (though I'll admit I had a suspicion that this sort of thing was a problem for more people than just me; I wish I had good advice I could offer to help with this matter too). But at least now we can permanently dispense with all such "half-serious" responses (such as "renting a baby" or buying a puppy).

 

 

Yeah, it definitely can happen. I don't plan on rewarding ineptitude or slow reflexes, though.

 

I wonder what sort of resources would be good to look into in order to start having the more quick-minded, socially adept ones who do know how to come up with conversation topics or direct approaches (in social situations) or specific reasons to join forces in good faith (in more purpose-driven situations) to actually come up and do the relevant approaches though.

You have problems with the social skills necessary to fruitfully relate to others in a social setting? I find that difficult to believe.

It was one of the ones that I have I looked through so far. Didn't find it to be much of any use.

 

The few books that even mention being approached at all seem to rely on things like body language, which is in reality quite irrelevant most of the time (e.g. in the case of being directly approached by up-and-coming A-students in a classroom; there's little place for "approachable body language" when one is spending the entire class facing the front and taking notes, not piddling around with smiles, eye contact, "open postures", "mirroring", and other oft-spouted b.s.). I really haven't found that sort of thing to be useful.

Being serious, have you ever considered you might be suffering from Asperger's Syndrome, or some other form of autism?

At least I do get this impression from your post. Maybe if you were diagnosed professionally, you'd know exactly where you stand and this might help you in better dealing with social situations, and better understanding what you can do to facilitate contact with other people.

Sorry, but this I won't answer further over the internet.

...which supports my point that you have reached a stage where the internet is no longer an effective tool to make progress with your issue, i.e. if you are not able to participate openly in the process.

"Hi. I'm [name]. I just thought I'd meet you." Whatever one's judgement of the quality of that approach, it's clear that I'm attempting that infinitely more often than I'm receiving that....

 

Are the two conclusions necessarily mutually exclusive? There is also the issue of number of approaches.

Doesn't that support my point, though? You're trying - a lot, apparently - and it's just not working, and you don't know why. Isnt' that, by definition, a low-quality approach?

I'm not trying to get you to go away, or to rub your nose in it. And I'm not arguing for any reason than to appeal to your sense of logic - one point of common ground between us, it seems - to see that (a) you observe that people aound you are generally social, (b) in spite of numerous attempts, you are having trouble finding any success participating, © over a significant period of time you are not making any progress toward making things better, so therefore, (d) you need to find a more effective source of assistance at making forward progress.

You've been trying for so long now over the internet, my own recommendation is that, you can't hope to make progress in exploring human interactions without involving direct human interaction in the analysis/diagnosis/assistance. I know you don't want to talk about whether you've tried getting personal/professional help, and I'll respect that, but let me turn the question around in a way that you may be willing to answer: Has several years of exploration on the internet provided any help, any forward progress, brought you any closer to understanding?

Doesn't that support my point, though? You're trying - a lot, apparently - and it's just not working, and you don't know why. Isnt' that, by definition, a low-quality approach?

No, it's more of a nolo contendere. Vilify my own efforts all you like. It doesn't change the fact that I'm not finding myself on the receiving end of comparable immediate proactive efforts from other people, whatever your estimation of the quality of my efforts. It is that latter situation that I seek to remedy, but you seem intent on derailing the thread.

If you are unable to directly answer how to get things like "Hi. I'm Hakeem. I'm looking to get an A in the course and I'm looking for teammates for the _____ project. You interested in joining up?" from up-and-coming A-students in school situations or analogous results from analogous people in work-training situations, on a routine basis and regardless of whether or not any information about me is available or whether any previous interpersonal interaction existed, I have no further interest in your posts on this thread. And that applies to all other posters. If such a matter is truly so much trouble, perhaps it is time for this thread to die.

A desirable stranger is an oxymoron.

Post deleted.

You won't be able to get the help you are looking for from this board. You need to find a person in real life to come help you. At a minimum I recomend you take an active approach and not be disapointed if people do not approach you as you are a man and it rarely happens unless you are famouse or just finished a concert or something on stage

Get a puppy.

Doesn't work if you're ugly

No, it's more of a nolo contendere. Vilify my own efforts all you like.

I'm sorry if you misunderstand my points as "vilifying." I am trying to hold up a mirror; I think you don't realize how much you fascinate me and how much I wish I could help you somehow. If, in fact, I bore you ill will, I would have just ignored you.

It doesn't change the fact that I'm not finding myself on the receiving end of comparable immediate proactive efforts from other people, whatever your estimation of the quality of my efforts. It is that latter situation that I seek to remedy, but you seem intent on derailing the thread.

In direct answer, I believe you will not be able to successfully achieve "comparable immediate proactive efforts form other people" until you understand more about your own contribution to the dynamic, and that is not likely to come from here.

If you are unable to directly answer how to get things like "Hi. I'm Hakeem. I'm looking to get an A in the course and I'm looking for teammates for the _____ project. You interested in joining up?" from up-and-coming A-students in school situations or analogous results from analogous people in work-training situations, on a routine basis and regardless of whether or not any information about me is available or whether any previous interpersonal interaction existed, I have no further interest in your posts on this thread.

I am indeed unable to give you a direct answer as to how you, Lights, can accomplish that goal, so I will respectfully comply and stop posting on your threads. I truly wish you good luck, and I hope you find some kind of success, somehow.

"Hi. I'm [name]. I just thought I'd meet you."

Lights, that is not how people WANT to be approached. If that is what you've been saying by way of introducing yourself, starting a conversation, or inviting people into your life, it will not work how you want/hope it to work.

If I tried saying that for my "approach", I'd expect to get a lot of blank, confused or frightened stares from the people to whom I said it. What is the reaction that you've been getting most often?

You could try books like: How To Win Friends And Influence People; How To Talk To Anyone; How To Make People Like You In 90 Seconds Or Less; Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success At Work And In Life One Conversation At A Time.

(Checking the 'customer reviews' at amazon.com could help you decide which one best fits your needs.)

If you are unable to directly answer how to get things like "Hi. I'm Hakeem. I'm looking to get an A in the course and I'm looking for teammates for the _____ project. You interested in joining up?" from up-and-coming A-students in school situations or analogous results from analogous people in work-training situations, on a routine basis and regardless of whether or not any information about me is available or whether any previous interpersonal interaction existed,

Unfortunately, there is no "direct answer" that does not ALSO INCLUDE the factors that you do not want to be included in the "direct answer" you seek.

"Hakeem" is only going to want you on his project if he knows, or has enough information about you for him to be able to make a really good educated guess, that YOU are able to help in score his A.

"Hakeem" will NOT approach you if you're just some random stranger who happens to be in the same class(es) with him. He will NOT invite you to work on his project if he has no awareness of your own intellect, work ethic, skills, talents and ability to communicate and work well as part of a team.

As much as you don't appear to want those to be part of your solution, they are nonetheless part of your solution. That is how people choose their teammates...and their friends. It's based on what is already known about [you], gathered from first impressions of you, by observing you, seeing how you interact with others, and the general 'vibe' that you give off.

At school, you may be well-known for high marks and achievement awards, but if the 'personality part' of you doesn't click with "Hakeem", then he still won't want you on his team.

I get that it's difficult. And, like Trimmer, I really also wish that there is a "direct answer" that you could just say one thing or do one thing, and this problem will resolve itself for you. But it really is a "package" of things -- it is EVERYTHING that's been mentioned by the serious contributors to your thread.

As always, wishing you the best.