Wife says she doesn't love me "that way" any more

Okay, I'm brand new here & this is my first post. As you can probably tell from the topic title, I'm going through some marital problems. My wife P and I have been together for 12 years & married for 8.5 of them. We also have a 4 year old son who we both love dearly.

About a year ago, P told me that she was feeling depressed and generally "not happy". A couple months later, she began seeing a counselor who diagnosed her with depression. After a couple sessions, she asked that I start seeing the counselor with her...and I did. It instantly turned from counseling for my wife's depression into couples' marriage counseling. P also started taking meds for her depression. After a few sessions the lines of communication opened up & things started to get better. So I thought.

A couple weeks ago, I started to notice P's depression creeping back into her life. It came to a head last Saturday when I asked P what was the matter. (She seemed very distant & depressed all week and was having stomach problems) We wound up having one of our "serious" discussions, during which I got to hear my wife of 8.5 years say that she doesn't love me "that way" anymore. As you can imagine, I was absolutely crushed. Although the "D" word was not spoken, I could tell that she was very close to giving up on us. I practically had to beg her to give it a chance because I know we can work things out.

Sunday was really rough. It was all I could do to keep myself together because I was completely devastated every time I thought about losing the woman I have loved for the past 12 years.

On Monday, I decided to take a positive approach and become the best husband I could be. I did a lot of research online...found some "How to become a better husband" lists...and starting reading a self-help book on making marriage work. I know all situations are different and what I read may not apply to everyone but there is some good information out there. I'm doing everything I can to be supportive, help out around the house more...get back to the way it was when we were dating & always trying to impress each other & be each other's best friend.

I even called and spoke to my wife's best friend to see if she had any advice and that is something the old me NEVER would have done. We actually had a wonderful conversation and I think it helped me understand some of what my wife is feeling.

This is so difficult because P does not give any specifics as to what's bothering her. There haven't been any specific incidents, affairs, huge arguments, etc. It's like she has simply fallen out of love with me but cannot explain why. I've been doing everything I can..including some of the things she mentioned during our previous counseling & some of the suggestions I've read. I want her to know that she is important to me and the best way I could think of is through my actions. I understand that it's going to be a long, neverending process and I'm willing to be patient. I know it's only been a week but I'm just not sure my wife is as committed as I am to making this marriage work. She still seems distant...and I understand it will probably take a while for her to get that feeling of closeness back. It's just so hard to stay positive when I'm doing everything I can & she doesn't seem to be giving as much effort. She even turned me down when I suggested we have a "date night" this weekend...something we've both been talking about doing regularly for years.

I'm not giving up on this marriage because I know it can work. But it's difficult. I'm jumping through hoops while she's constantly turning away from me...both emotionally & physically. There's no balance in our relationship right now. Is P's depression causing our marital problems? Are our marital problems causing P's depression. I don't know. I just want to be the best husband I can & get our marriage back on track...but I can't do it alone. I'm willing to try counselling again but P is so distant that I'm hesitant to bring it up. She might agree but she could just as easily say she's finished trying. I sometimes get the impression that she's already given up.

I love to read any thoughts, advice, or words of wisdom you'd like to share.

Thanks for reading. (Sorry my post was so long.)

I'd just divorce her now and be done with it. Life is too short trying to fix a damn woman who wont fix her damn self!

She may have depression or post partum or any number of ills. She has to fix herself and if she isnt. she doesnt want to.

She thinks the grass is greener, it's not...

So I'd just serve her and give her an eviction notice and get the ball running.

If she doesnt love you, she doesnt have to live with you either.

If P continues to do nothing to get her M back on track then pack her bags, even help her find a place to move into, whether it be with friends, family, her own apartment, it doesn't matter. Just do it.

Cut all the lovey dovey stuff immediately! It only backfires. Every time you tell her you love her it just reminds her she no longer loves you. It pushes her further away, and that's a fact.

Show her your life will go on with or without her. She needs a reality check, now, and that would be the only way to draw her back to you. As long as there isn't an OM in the picture that is.

Mostly when wives lose their "desire" for a man, it is NOT because he isn't being a good "house bitc*".

Don't get me wrong, married women are almost ALWAYs frustrated their men don't help out more. That is totally normal. Thing is, that mainly makes them angry and they tell you to "step up". It does NOT make them depressed. Nope.

What makes them depressed is when they lose their "desire" for you. And that often has to do with all the things that make you "sexy". Your sense of humor - how often can you banter with her and make her laugh really hard. Your "edge/aggressiveness". Any and all things that make her see you as powerful: confidence, physical fitness / strenth, mental power, emotional toughness and financial prowess.

The more frightened, depressed you seem at the thought of losing her, the weaker you look. The weaker you look, the more "turned off" she is. So it is ok to be more helpful, but you are way, way more likely to solve this by finding a way to go back to be the sexy, confident optimistic, fun and funny guy she met. That guy exists, you used to be him.

Be really careful with becoming a top flight "house bitc*", it usually has the exact opposite effect on her desire level that you want.

Okay, I'm brand new here & this is my first post. As you can probably tell from the topic title, I'm going through some marital problems. My wife P and I have been together for 12 years & married for 8.5 of them. We also have a 4 year old son who we both love dearly.

 

About a year ago, P told me that she was feeling depressed and generally "not happy". A couple months later, she began seeing a counselor who diagnosed her with depression. After a couple sessions, she asked that I start seeing the counselor with her...and I did. It instantly turned from counseling for my wife's depression into couples' marriage counseling. P also started taking meds for her depression. After a few sessions the lines of communication opened up & things started to get better. So I thought.

 

A couple weeks ago, I started to notice P's depression creeping back into her life. It came to a head last Saturday when I asked P what was the matter. (She seemed very distant & depressed all week and was having stomach problems) We wound up having one of our "serious" discussions, during which I got to hear my wife of 8.5 years say that she doesn't love me "that way" anymore. As you can imagine, I was absolutely crushed. Although the "D" word was not spoken, I could tell that she was very close to giving up on us. I practically had to beg her to give it a chance because I know we can work things out.

 

Sunday was really rough. It was all I could do to keep myself together because I was completely devastated every time I thought about losing the woman I have loved for the past 12 years.

On Monday, I decided to take a positive approach and become the best husband I could be. I did a lot of research online...found some "How to become a better husband" lists...and starting reading a self-help book on making marriage work. I know all situations are different and what I read may not apply to everyone but there is some good information out there. I'm doing everything I can to be supportive, help out around the house more...get back to the way it was when we were dating & always trying to impress each other & be each other's best friend.

I even called and spoke to my wife's best friend to see if she had any advice and that is something the old me NEVER would have done. We actually had a wonderful conversation and I think it helped me understand some of what my wife is feeling.

 

This is so difficult because P does not give any specifics as to what's bothering her. There haven't been any specific incidents, affairs, huge arguments, etc. It's like she has simply fallen out of love with me but cannot explain why. I've been doing everything I can..including some of the things she mentioned during our previous counseling & some of the suggestions I've read. I want her to know that she is important to me and the best way I could think of is through my actions. I understand that it's going to be a long, neverending process and I'm willing to be patient. I know it's only been a week but I'm just not sure my wife is as committed as I am to making this marriage work. She still seems distant...and I understand it will probably take a while for her to get that feeling of closeness back. It's just so hard to stay positive when I'm doing everything I can & she doesn't seem to be giving as much effort. She even turned me down when I suggested we have a "date night" this weekend...something we've both been talking about doing regularly for years.

 

I'm not giving up on this marriage because I know it can work. But it's difficult. I'm jumping through hoops while she's constantly turning away from me...both emotionally & physically. There's no balance in our relationship right now. Is P's depression causing our marital problems? Are our marital problems causing P's depression. I don't know. I just want to be the best husband I can & get our marriage back on track...but I can't do it alone. I'm willing to try counselling again but P is so distant that I'm hesitant to bring it up. She might agree but she could just as easily say she's finished trying. I sometimes get the impression that she's already given up.

 

I love to read any thoughts, advice, or words of wisdom you'd like to share.

 

Thanks for reading. (Sorry my post was so long.)

Some excellent advise so far...and not exactly what I expected to hear. I've been doing a lot of reading in this forum today & the overriding theme seems to be that I need to take care of myself first. Our marriage will not be saved unless BOTH OF US are willing to give 100%. I'm willing to do my part, but I do not want to become a doormat in the process.

The wounds are still fresh & they sting like hell but I am going to do my best to stay strong.

Thanks again & keep the advice coming.

I have two questions:

 

1) Where there any affairs in the past, either on your or her side?

 

2) Could she be having an affair now?

1) None that I know of. I never cheated.

2) I don't think she is but I suppose anything's possible.

I would be completely destroyed if I found out she were having an affair....but at least I'd know where I stand & I wouldn't hesitate to get the hell out of the marriage. Sometimes she'll go out with a group of co-workers...especially when an out of town co-worker is visiting. Besides that, I don't see where she'd have the time/opportunity to cheat. I honestly don't think she is.

Etrain, if you take a look through this site you'll see dozens, maybe scores, of threads created by men who are in sexless marriages. It is extremely rare that such a situation ever gets better. (If it's ever happened, I've never seen it.) In pretty much every case that I can recall, the reason those men are suffering in sexless marriages is because their wife "doesn't feel that way anymore."

In most cases that I've heard of and seen first-hand, it's because the wife has bought into the whole Hollywood notion of romance - that is, if it's not all hearts and flowers and eternal bliss and mutual orgasms, then it's not love and therefore not worth saving.

It's nonsense, of course, but since when does that matter? Their perception creates their reality, therefore when they don't feel that flutter of infatuation anymore (and it ALWAYS, ALWAYS diminishes with marriage and especially children) they figure they're not in love and that's all the reason they need to either turn off the sexual tap and/or file for divorce.

Now, it's all good that your wife is interested in going to MC, that shows at least some level of commitment.

But - there's always a 'but,' isn't there? - while you should hope for the best and work towards it, you'll also have to prepare for the worst.

I assume that there isn't a pre-nup in play. But even if there is, I strongly advise you to do two things first thing Monday morning:

• Talk to a lawyer and get your legal ducks in a row if she determines that the marriage isn't worth saving and files for divorce;
  
• Talk to a financial consultant to ensure that your assets are protected.
  

Do not tell her you've done this.

One last thing, something I should have done before my second marriage failed: Sit down with her and tell her clearly and without emotion that you will do everything you can to save the marriage but she has to make the same level of commitment. You are not a doormat, you will not be blackmailed into doing something or being someone that makes you uncomfortable.

In short, take the lead. You cannot control what she does or thinks, but you can control your own actions.

Good luck.

You see and read that all the time here, especially from a husband and then months later, he will post that he found out that the wife is talking to some guy onine, on the phone, at work, etc.

 

Affarirs can start anywhere with anyone. Does she work with any male workers? Does she ever deal with males at work....even the mailman? When she goes out with her friends, are there males involved, or aren't there any male at the bar/restaurant? What about facebook/mysapce? Do you have access to those? Do you have access to her email? Does she go out to lunch at work? How do you know for sure?

 

Many affairs starts with lunch/drink after work. And, all they need a 30 minutes and a local motel to seal the deal, again and again.

Yes on male co-workers. She works in a huge office with 800+ people. I used to work there & that's where we met.

Yes on Facebook. She used to spend a lot of time on there...not so much over the past few weeks though. I also have Facebook so I do see her page. There's nothing "fishy" on there but it's not like a cheating spouse would leave "proof" posted on her Facebook.

I also know she has her own Yahoo email address...one I do not have access to. Then again, so do I.

There was an incident a couple years ago when an old co-worker who had left came back to work at the same place as P. I knew the guy when I worked there & he was a real creep. He was married at the time but constantly flirting with P...and she was 17 at the time. This was before P & I started dating. Anyway, I was on our PC at home when a message pops up on the screen saying something to the effect of "I enjoyed the chat we had." I was able to figure out who it was. Anyway, I immediately confronted P about it & the very next day she told him to knock it off. He got a new job somewhere else a week later & that was the last I heard about him.

Maybe something like that is happening again. I really don't think so but there's no way I can be 100% sure.

Better....

Start...

Checking!

I wouldnt put anything past any woman who said that to me.

Is P's depression causing our marital problems? Are our marital problems causing P's depression.

This is something that needs to sorted out.. A good therapist (cognitive behaviour therapy) and maybe some meds will help, and then once her depression has settled down, you two should consider marriage counselling.

If there is someone else, (which I doubt by the sounds of it) you can install a keylogger onto the computer, track who she talks to/emails with..

Anyway, for the sake of your child, it's worth a good effort to save the marriage before throwing in the towel.

A couple months later, she began seeing a counselor who diagnosed her with depression. After a couple sessions, she asked that I start seeing the counselor with her...and I did. It instantly turned from counseling for my wife's depression into couples' marriage counseling.

I'm curious about what the counselor said to your W during the sessions. Was there any discussion of her responsibilities in the M? Did the counselor talk about the effect of your W's depression on your relationship?

Mr. Lucky

I'm curious about what the counselor said to your W during the sessions. Was there any discussion of her responsibilities in the M? Did the counselor talk about the effect of your W's depression on your relationship?

 

Mr. Lucky

It felt like M counseling to me. No mention of my W's depression at all.

All the counselor did was as a few basic questions to get us talking. Then he assigned a couple communication exercises for us to work on.

I think we only went 2-3 times before he said we seemed to be doing better & didn't have to see him any more.

The counseling was part of my W's employer's Employee Assistance Program so it was free...and I'm pretty sure we got what we paid for.

Sit down with her and tell her clearly and without emotion that you will do everything you can to save the marriage but she has to make the same level of commitment. You are not a doormat, you will not be blackmailed into doing something or being someone that makes you uncomfortable.

 

I think thats the best possible universal advice for troubled marriages of this sort.

(Anything more than that is justified only if the rejected spouse is quilty of some serious *actual* offense and needs to "redeem themselves".)

I think you've got a tough road. Your wife's depression may make her unable to do two things -

- understand her role and responsibilities in the marriage

- appreciating your part

You're going to have to manage both her treatment and your marriage's need for MC with a competent counselor. Like I said, it's a big challenge...

Mr. Lucky

Anyway, for the sake of your child, it's worth a good effort to save the marriage before throwing in the towel.

That's where I am right now. My son is priority #1. My biggest fear when I think of D is not being with him every day. I can't even think about that without breaking down.

My next priority is myself. I need to get my own crap together & become the strong, confident person I used to be. I deserve better. No married person should feel lonely and unloved.

I'm not giving up on the marriage. But I don't think I can effectively work on the marriage until I work on myself first. I already started working out more & I'm reading a self-help book to help get my head straight.

I'm certainly not going to become a doormat in a marriage where my W doesn't even love me. No damn way.

If my W comes around and is willing to work on our M by giving 100%, I'm willing to do the same.

In order to work on fixing what's wrong you have to answer one question? Is your wife involved with someone else?

It could very well be your wife is going through a MLC, or depression is fueling her lost love. But, there's a very good possibility there is an OM lurking in the bushes.

You need to do some investigating to answer that above question. Do not assume your wife is or is not doing anything. There are many on this site who would have told you "my S would never cheat". There are many, including myself, who probably would have never truly found out without doing some investigating. (Thats what it is, it is not "snooping", it is not "spying")

In order to fight this battle, you need to know your enemy. The tactics for an involvment with an OM, and one where your W is depressed or simply "fell out of love", are completely different and require different approaches. The "love your wife back into the marriage, and being the best husband ever" will not work and will backfire if your wife is involved with an OM.

Here's my advise for investigating and easing any doubts you may have. I hope you have these doubts because all of us who've been down this road do:

1. Install a keylogger on any computers she uses. This will track every keystroke.

2. Check her cellphone regularly. Do this by getting detailed billing for her cellphone. This will show the telephone number for all texts and calls. If your wife is texting one number repeatedly, calling or receiving calls from a single number alot and at odd hours, and you don't know who it is, YOU HAVE A BIG PROBLEM.

3. If you find suspicious activity on the above two, install a VAR in her car.

If there's nothing there, great, you can put that doubt to rest and now you know where to focus on healing.

If there is something there and she's involved in an inappropriate relationship, then gather evidence. Have your evidence before you confront her. Yes, you will need to confront, and yes have your evidence when you do. Your wife will lie, all WS's do. Mine lied, lied, and lied some more until I put copies of her emails, texts, and IM's in front of her.

I'm really hoping "there's no there, there". But, be prepared for the worst, but hope for the best.

Peace and Good Luck

Well, after reading some of the replies on here, I did a bit of "investigating" by going through the call & text history on P's cell phone. Nothing fishy on there but I imagine she would've deleted anything incriminating. I'll need to get my hands on our actual statement to see all the detail.

Her phone also links to P's personal email account I don't have access to but there's nothing fishy on there either. Same story though...items may have been deleted.

I'll look into the keylogger. She's probably more PC savy than I am and I don't want to screw anything up or have her find it on there. That could only make things worse.

Anybody know where I can find a good (easy to use) keylogger?

You guys are making me paranoid. But maybe I need to be.

Thanks for the help & keep it coming.

Thanks Lovely. I'll take a look at those.

Our cell phones are Verizon & I'm not sure if the SIM cards will work...but the keylogger is a good start. Unfortunately, if P is cheating, there's a pretty good chance it would be w/ a co-worker & there's no way I could investigate that.

Never say never. Doesn't matter whom or where, they'll be communicating outside of work. Trust me on that one.

Meanwhile, have you started MC? How about IC for her? Is she taking meds for her depression? If any of these answers are no, then you need to turn them into a yes.

Thanks siebert. We have not started MC. She has not started IC. She was prescribed meds for her depression back when we originally went to counseling a few months ago. I'm not even sure if she's still taking them.

You're absolutely right. We need MC. I lost so much power when she told me all of this last week that I've been almost afraid to bring up MC.

I guess I'm worried she'll say no & then I'll know our M is pretty much over. I need to get past that.

Just found out that P stopped taking her anti-depressant meds some time ago. Just great.

I'm not surprised since she wasn't too keen on taking them in the first place. She didn't want to feel "numb".

So she stopped taking her meds & the unhappy feelings came back. Coincidence? I think not.

Let me ask you this, other than us, who else knows what you're going through? Your family? Her family? Close friends? Sounds to me, and by no means I'm an expert, that the depression probably is fueling your wife's "revelation" that she's no longer in love with you. Sounds like the depression talking.

Have you confronted her with this, and the fact that after she stops her meds, suddenly she wants to end your marriage? Sounds like you need to. You need to insure to her you want to help her, but first she needs to want to help yourself. Be firm, but loving.

If none of this works, sounds like you may need an intervention consisting of friends and family members to show her how far she's sunk, and what she's getting ready to throw away.

Peace and Good Luck. Keep us updated.

I haven't confronted her about the meds yet. Just found out she wasn't taking them about an hour ago.

And I don't think anyone else knows what we're going through. Her best friend knows some of the story but I'm sure she doesn't know everything. (She's the one I spoke with last weekend after all of this flared up.) She knows we were having problems & actually referred P to the counselor we saw.

I think my W is having trouble admitting she is depressed. That would mean admitting something's wrong with her. I think that's why she was hesitant to go on meds in the first place. At least, that's the impression I got.

I'm going to talk to her about the meds tonight.

I haven't confronted her about the meds yet. Just found out she wasn't taking them about an hour ago.

 

And I don't think anyone else knows what we're going through. Her best friend knows some of the story but I'm sure she doesn't know everything. (She's the one I spoke with last weekend after all of this flared up.) She knows we were having problems & actually referred P to the counselor we saw.

 

I think my W is having trouble admitting she is depressed. That would mean admitting something's wrong with her. I think that's why she was hesitant to go on meds in the first place. At least, that's the impression I got.

I'm going to talk to her about the meds tonight.

Keep the intervention in mind. Sound's like this is what it's going to take for her to admit she has a problem.

They may come a time for the tough love approach. Doesn't sound like this is the right time, but keep this in mind.

There may come a time when you are going to have to lay it on the line; honey, you are sick you need help. I cannot sit and watch you and our marriage self destruct. If you do not get help, I will D you.

Etrain, if you take a look through this site you'll see dozens, maybe scores, of threads created by men who are in sexless marriages. It is extremely rare that such a situation ever gets better. (If it's ever happened, I've never seen it.) In pretty much every case that I can recall, the reason those men are suffering in sexless marriages is because their wife "doesn't feel that way anymore."

 

In most cases that I've heard of and seen first-hand, it's because the wife has bought into the whole Hollywood notion of romance - that is, if it's not all hearts and flowers and eternal bliss and mutual orgasms, then it's not love and therefore not worth saving.

 

It's nonsense, of course, but since when does that matter? Their perception creates their reality, therefore when they don't feel that flutter of infatuation anymore (and it ALWAYS, ALWAYS diminishes with marriage and especially children) they figure they're not in love and that's all the reason they need to either turn off the sexual tap and/or file for divorce.

 

But - there's always a 'but,' isn't there? - while you should hope for the best and work towards it, you'll also have to prepare for the worst.

 

I assume that there isn't a pre-nup in play. But even if there is, I strongly advise you to do two things first thing Monday morning:

 

• Talk to a lawyer and get your legal ducks in a row if she determines that the marriage isn't worth saving and files for divorce;
  
• Talk to a financial consultant to ensure that your assets are protected.
  

Do not tell her you've done this.

 

One last thing, something I should have done before my second marriage failed: Sit down with her and tell her clearly and without emotion that you will do everything you can to save the marriage but she has to make the same level of commitment. You are not a doormat, you will not be blackmailed into doing something or being someone that makes you uncomfortable.

 

In short, take the lead. You cannot control what she does or thinks, but you can control your own actions.

 

Good luck.

How many times do we read/listen to the same wishy/washy excuses. She's said nothing and you are the one walking on egg shells. If she has a serious medical/mental issue, I am sorry, but usually it is the "I'm unhappy", "My Life isn't fulfilling", "You don't pull your weight", "You aren't Brad Pitt"......

Life is about sacrifices and hard work. She went to counseling, brought you in, it ended abruptly and is now worse.

I don't think it is an affair (could be wrong).... But it is the old "grass is greener" scenario.

Don't let yourself be a doormat.