Another Same old Story, this time from the OM

Hi all. I'm new here, but I thought I would lay down my story before I got too deep into the forum.

This is the first time I've told anyone the full story.

I met my MW, a brilliant woman and mother, three years ago, while I was still with my W. We hit it off grand and it's been a passionate, desperate, deep love ever since. Meeting MW marked the end of my marriage. Within a month I had moved out and six months later I filed for divorce without looking back.

You know the story I'm sure. MW and I continued the A after my divorce, with full hopes of a future and a real, albeit rocky, life together when the dust settled. We talked about the future possibility of children and how we would like to live our lives. She has always been genuinely unhappy with her marriage, and she's told me time and time again that a life with me would be better than the life she's living now.

Christmastime last year was a crucial time for us. She told her H about the A and also told him that she wanted a divorce. It seemed that the painful present was moving forward and we would be able to get on with our lives. I began to prepare myself for the transition.

Then, a week later her H hurt himself and had to take off of work for the next six months. MW called me and told me she was going to play the part of the supportive W since it would be a **** time to leave.

I reluctantly agreed.

Six months pass. H goes back to work. The A continues and I wait without pressure for the impending DDay. She reassures me every now and then that DDay is right around the corner. She can feel it, she says.

Summer goes by. Her kids go back to school. DDay still doesn't come.

Last night I asked her about her plans for Christmas. She mentioned something about H and his parents. At that moment, I lost patience. I asked how long she was going to stay in the marriage. I did everything I told myself I'd never do. I pressured, I questioned, I pleaded. She told me that she now wants to wait until after Christmas to leave because she doesn't want to ruin Christmas for her family like she did last year.

I can understand that. I even backed off the impatient pressuring. She's a grownup. She can make her own decisions. Any decision she makes out of pressure from me will backfire in the end anyway. I also know how difficult a decision it is to make and I can respect her for wanting to please everyone.

But (and this is mostly aimed at you OW/OM out there, since you understand what I'm feeling) how long do I keep waiting? I sincerely love this woman, and I would do anything for her. I keep convincing myself that another couple of months of torturous waiting will be worth it, and then I'm sucker punched with another delay.

I don't want to wait forever. But I keep telling myself that DDay is just around the corner. I'm not sure what to do.

Thanks for reading.

It sounds like she has made her decision somewhat. I don't say that to be harsh, but that's what it sounds like. She's obviously wrestling with the decision and not making a concrete one. It's already been a lot of time -- three years. Think about it -- within a month you moved out. I mean at the very least, it seems she would have gone ahead and left -- if she was going to -- when her husband went back to work. Are you positive she told him?

I think you should just tell her you are going to start dating and do it. Don't wait for her. Tell her if she leaves him and wants to see you again, to call you when she does and you may or may not be available. You may actually meet someone available with whom you can develop a happy and healthy relationship.

I hope I don't sound harsh. I moved out after 27 years of marriage. I've been out since June and at one time I really thought I wanted to move forward in life with my affair partner -- but there was always that nagging doubt -- did I want to break up my marriage, my home, my family, what about my children, my vow to my spouse, etc.? In the last six weeks, the doubts have been growing stronger. I miss my family. I've not been having sex with my husband but I have started seeing him again -- going to football games with him and my grown up children, heading home when my children come to visit and staying at the house for weekends. I feel like I'm supposed to be there and I think deep down it's where I want to be.

Things ended with my affair partner this past week because I kept feeling stressed out (almost panic attack mode) and he wants me to make a decision to be 100% devoted to him. I miss him a lot, but I know I don't want to disrupt my family any more than I have already. I feel pretty down.

It sounds to me like she's definitely having doubts and if you think about it -- she doesn't really HAVE to make a decision -- because you are still seeing her. You say you really love her. It's cliche, but if you really do let her go and see what decision she makes. She needs to make a decision one way or the other. She should love you enough to take action -- if she does and is going to -- and not leave you in limbo. You deserve better than that.

That's my two cents.

You leave your M because you wanted it to. She keep making excuses because she doesn't want to leave her M. You can wait for her but she will come up with another excuses. Sorry to be harsh but she love herself more than anyone else.

Thank you for your quick response. It's good to hear from someone like yourself Samantha. I feel like you can tell me what she's afraid to tell me since you are both in similar situations. Thank you so much. I'll take everything you said to heart

Thank you for your quick response. It's good to hear from someone like yourself Samantha. I feel like you can tell me what she's afraid to tell me since you are both in similar situations. Thank you so much. I'll take everything you said to heart

You're welcome. Actually, I smiled at your username and feel like I'm lost in the malaise at times also. You know, I'm not trying to minimize what she feels for you. She may very well love you. I'm sure she probably does if she's been with you for three years. It's just that her situation is not only about her and sometimes it's difficult to make a decision based on personal desires when it would have such a devastating effect on others. And I'm not knocking your decision to leave either. We all do what we're capable of doing and while you may have been strong enough to leave and feel okay with it, perhaps she can't bring herself to doing it and finds strength in staying.

I don't know. I feel like if I just look at it in the present, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I do love my ex-AP and hate losing him. Hell, for that matter -- I love having my own space and an apartment. On the other hand, even though it will take work -- it will be nice if down the road my family is intact and I haven't done irreparable harm to others. Well, at least not anymore than I already have done.

I have visions of grandmomma (me eventually) , grandaddy (hubby), grandchildren (still a hopeful wish!), etc. all together at our beach house. I also have nightmares thinking of my ex-AP being with someone else. I can't have my cake and eat it too forever, however, and I truly want him to be happy.

I actually had a nightmare last night my husband told me he was seeing someone else. There's a lot of little people in my head right now apparently with things to say.

Best of luck to you.

LiM,

I think Samantha is right... if you love someone, let them go. A little over two years ago, it was evident that my MW was trying to distance herself from me. It was very difficult for her and I knew that she loved me despite not telling me. When I confronted her about it, she denied it, but she made a comment that things had cooled down a bit ad she seemed relieved about it. I decided at that point to let her go. We never officially ended the affair, I just stopped responding to her, or going out my way to be around her... I treated her as though she was just another co-worker. It was painful, I won't lie. But a year later, she came back to me. She told me that she made one last attempt at saving her marriage and it left no doubt her marriage was over. Keep in mind that we never talked about leaving our spouses. I promised myself that I would never even suggest that she leave her husband because of her two small children. It was only a few months ago that she told me that's what she wanted and I agreed.

We have both agreed to take our time and work toward being together. While I don't have a specific timetable, I couldn't see myself waiting for her to leave her husband a year or 18 months for now. I can tell you that even with horrible marriage and leaving once already, it's still not easy for me just to leave. I guess what you have to ask yourself is whether or not you believe your MW is serious about wanting to be with you and how long are you willing to wait for her. Really, you're the only person that can answer those questions.

Good luck!

Please read my story. Basically, I spent 5 years being you, and she is STILL married (getting divorced by husband) but would still stay if she could....

Thank you all again for such wonderfully open responses. I think I would be happier if she just told me she was torn between me and her H, but every day, I'm assured that it's over between the two of them and our future is just on the horizon.

Some days are so good. Others, particularly lately, have been devastatingly awful. The advice I'm hearing (at least I think I'm hearing it this way) isn't that I go as extreme as NC, but that I back away for a bit and see how she responds. Am I right?

Please read my story. Basically, I spent 5 years being you, and she is STILL married (getting divorced by husband) but would still stay if she could....

Will do my friend.

LITM,

I am sorry for your pain. I know how hard it is waiting for something that never seems to happen. In my case My MM has never made me promises, and part of me is HUGELY grateful for that. But while he doesn't come out and make those promises, he does say that he "can't imagine his future without me" and often makes reference to things that will not happen for YEARS involving us still being "together".. but he doesn't say if that "together" is in an honest relationship, or still as an affair. UGH!

It would be nice if they would just say what they mean and mean what they say, wouldn't it?

I for one can not tell you what to do, to wait or not, only you can decide that. But, I would say hope for the best, but prepare for the worst, and don't wait so long that you end up forever being the 'other'... you (and I) deserve better. *sigh*

Thank you all again for such wonderfully open responses. I think I would be happier if she just told me she was torn between me and her H, but every day, I'm assured that it's over between the two of them and our future is just on the horizon.

 

Some days are so good. Others, particularly lately, have been devastatingly awful. The advice I'm hearing (at least I think I'm hearing it this way) isn't that I go as extreme as NC, but that I back away for a bit and see how she responds. Am I right?

Again, not knowing either of you it's difficult to speculate on the outcome. I wouldn't suggest any extreme measures at the moment until you know for certain what is going on with you MW. I think backing away a bit may be a good idea for you, but not as a means to get a response from her. Look, be honest with her. You don't have to force a decision on her part, but tell her that you have doubts about her intent to leaver her husband and you need some time to clear your head.. if in fact you do.

Last May, my MW got very close to getting caught at work. Our former boss made it clear that if he had proof, he would have fired us. At the time, there had never been a discussion about our future together. I broke up with her because I didn't want to ruin her life. We were only broken up for a week, but that week erased any doubts that either of us had about being together. The time apart is what we needed and maybe that's exactly what you guys need.

LITM,

 

I am sorry for your pain. I know how hard it is waiting for something that never seems to happen. In my case My MM has never made me promises, and part of me is HUGELY grateful for that. But while he doesn't come out and make those promises, he does say that he "can't imagine his future without me" and often makes reference to things that will not happen for YEARS involving us still being "together".. but he doesn't say if that "together" is in an honest relationship, or still as an affair. UGH!

 

It would be nice if they would just say what they mean and mean what they say, wouldn't it?

 

I for one can not tell you what to do, to wait or not, only you can decide that. But, I would say hope for the best, but prepare for the worst, and don't wait so long that you end up forever being the 'other'... you (and I) deserve better. *sigh*

Reading your posts breaks my heart. I hope that you find happiness, I sincerely do.

You should think of letting her go and when she is ready to commit, then she can come back to you. If she doesn't come back, then you will know. Good luck, I know first hand the waiting is extremely hard.

I have recently gone NC with MW after 3 long years ... you have been waiting that long too, and it sounds like your tolerance is at a similar low. I couldn't take it any more, all I could hear was excuses for not leaving - and to cap it off in the end she just blamed me for her not being prepared to leave, that all the pain was my own fault. Yet she did everything to hurt me by her actions, making plans and doing things to look after her M and H while I stood silently by, being dutiful and obliging, and tried to distance myself a few times but she reeled me back in. It sounds like you've done all you can, so hopefully things don't get as ugly as they are for me.

All the time I thought the tipping point was around the corner, reminding myself that other "normal" relationships don't involve much more contact than we were having and that there are times when you have to be patient. More the fool me. But it does take a while to come out of the fog, and when you look back you realise that your development has been stunted, and that there are actually other good people out there worthy of your time, dedication and passion. Good luck.

Ramchops,

you have to be kidding. You actually got mad because god forbid the MW made plans with her H. You were her confidence builder on the side and you let her abuse her family in the worst way. Stop being so damn passive and tell her H

Wow. Thanks everyone. I never realized I would find such great advice here. It's nice to be able to share with people who have gone through/are going through similar situations, and from all sides of the relationship too!

We talked last night. She's a mother first, always has been. She told me that hurting her family has been her main setback to leaving. She would never abandon her kids, and I would never expect her to, but she sees H as this big wall in her way that she's still trying to figure out how to climb over. She doesn't want him, she told me (as she has a hundred times before.) She wants me. I was honest with her and let her know what a painful position being the man on the sideline puts me in. Honesty is a good thing, refreshing and all that, but we'll see what comes of it.

I've decided to give her her family Christmas, to wait and hope one more time. To give her the room to make a decision one way or another. I feel that if I love her enough to acknowledge and respect her genuine fear of being alone, then she needs to acknowledge my genuine pain of being left out time and time again. Is that fair, or unreasonable?

Hope is fragile.

Ramchops,

you have to be kidding. You actually got mad because god forbid the MW made plans with her H. You were her confidence builder on the side and you let her abuse her family in the worst way. Stop being so damn passive and tell her H

That's some really bad advice. And what purpose would that serve? Vengeance? They both made big mistakes -- both people involved in the affair. The answer is to remain in NC and move on.

 

I've decided to give her her family Christmas, to wait and hope one more time. To give her the room to make a decision one way or another. I feel that if I love her enough to acknowledge and respect her genuine fear of being alone, then she needs to acknowledge my genuine pain of being left out time and time again. Is that fair, or unreasonable?

 

Hope is fragile.

I think you and she should stop speaking all together during that period -- in person or via the phone, emails, texting, etc. Let her work her way through it with just her family -- no outside influences. I, again, am not saying that to be harsh. It would be best for you. It would be best for her. If there is ever going to be a situation where the two of you are "us" -- it's best for y'alls future also.

The "abandoning the kids" argument drives me crazy. I divorced and did NOT stop being a parent. That is SUCH a lame excuse. Clearly you aren't asking her to abandon the kids. All you're asking for is for some honesty about whether she intends to follow thorough on her words. She's already planning to stay with her H through the holidays - that's almost 3 months. What are you going to do for the holidays? How much farther has she planned out in her head to stay with him? She isn't telling you the truth, and probably if you ask, you'll get the ultimate lame answer "I don't know".

 

Bear in mind that you aren't "giving her her Christmas". She's taking it and asking you to suck it up. As others have suggested, it'd be easy to figure out what's really important to her - cut her off through the holidays. Make her live with her decision to stay WITHOUT you, and see how she likes it.

 

I've been in your shoes - she's already made her decision (to stay with her H and keep you on the side - she chose BOTH). She's acting on the decision to stay M everyday. And she's taking NO actions towards what she tells you she's going to do. Make her live with her actual decision, and then her actions just might change. If not, you at least get your answer and you're free to move on without wasting anymore of your life.

I have to say I agree with all of that. Nice post.

Dude, I was an OM also, and it's really hard to read your posts, because you seem so weak. Man-up, How about taking control of your own life, finding another woman and telling the MW that you will be around, MAYBE, when she reaches a decision. I never waited on ANY woman, and never will. You have got to be the master of your own fate, or somebody will always be making your decisions for you, like right now. She is making the calls, and you are holding the bag.