I'm going to cave and break the 3 month no contact... save me

I really want to know why she unblocked me on facebook...

but I can't know.

3 months ago.. a mutual friend told me to get her her space and let her assess her feelings for her ex (4 year relationship) and then for me (4.5 months at this point)...

on two separate occasions.

...We were in NC at this point.

No contact.. continued. Then I sent the platonic e-mail 3 weeks post breakup.. still in NC (I broke it at this point).. she didn't. A friend of my ex's told me to go F myself basically... that I made up the entire relationship, etc,etc.. just cruel things to say to me. That's it.

I continued the NC until this day... but seeing her unblock me... it's just... a passive mind game. Does she really have feelings for me? Why hasn't she broken the NC? What is she getting at? does she expect me to message her? I won't. I can't.

ugh

I finally read your first thread (the one that you linked me to) and on behalf of the female population who are more level-headed and even-tempered (as insane as we are), I apologize that this girl took you down as her collateral damage. What a bitch and a liar. She didn't stay true to herself and to save herself, she hurt you instead.

Earlier you mentioned you were almost done w/ your work but as you already know, the effects of a heartbreak permeates into everything that you do. I'd be more concerned, in fact, if you're already researching for an actual laboratory. Academic work is one thing, but real world is another. At our age, I've rarely met anyone who can compartmentalize and focus on their task w/o thinking of their heartbreak. For the most part, w/o looking at the individual, it looks like that kind of coping mechanism can only come with years of experience in LIFE. We haven't lived as long as some of our older LS members here.

To back up why I'm insane...

I've felt my most immature after L broke up with me and I acted like a complete ugly beast because I was so jealous of other girls post-BU. Regretfully, I acted out against his female friends too. I really would like to apologize for my atrocious behavior towards them during that ugly time. In my blind jealousy and love for L, I took our issues out on outsiders.

I realized much later that it was because L still treated me like a girlfriend in spite of being "broken up." A friend, who observed all of this as her boyfriend (and my good friend) was once L's roommate, said "It's because you guys were like dating." He admitted his own jealousies towards male friends that I hung out with. It was very confusing. I don't believe in "actions speak louder than words" because I am an exception to that. L's actions to me betrayed me. If I believed that adage when we were still communicating, it would've meant that L was in love with me even when he'd say otherwise.

This ex who was my best friend before the relationship completely shanked me. I know his story before we dated, but I stopped making it as an excuse as to why he treated me so poorly. I will still defend that he is a good person, but being good doesn't excuse what he's done. Good people make mistakes. He made one by using me and I made him pay the price by walking away from him for good. I was uncertain that I had something left that he was still drawn to, but I bluffed to myself and I refused to stay for him any longer. I finally respected myself enough to walk away and to re-instate my self-worth. I couldn't control him, but I can control me. And it felt like a second break-up and I was in as much pain as I was when he first broke up w/ me.

Just as I was replaceable to him, I knew that he was replaceable too. Take these people off the damn pedestal and everyone still suffering from the heartbreak will see: they are replaceable. We have friends and family members that we can hang out with and have just as much fun with. I have other friends whose hobbies are also photography and watching movies and cooking: why shouldn't I share with them? Knock these suckers off the pedestal. Knock. Them. DOWN. HARD. They aren't "speshul snowflakes."

There are so many people out there. China has 1 billion of the global population alone. Read the Separation/Divorce forums here on LS. I'm a frequent visitor there (just to read) and one of the most important lessons I learned there is that the person who you think is right for you now? Might not right for you later on. Because people change and grow. Open your heart, but keep a little bit more for yourself. There are many different types of love and romantic love should not be the "end all, be all" love, in my opinion. People who want it for themselves, that's ok: I'm not knocking on them for it. But I learned from this failed relationship that I can give my love to not just one someone, but to so many other people who actually want it. I can do that. I want to help. Patients are jaded by the pharmacy system and I believe I can make it better for them.

Finally, I'll say what I said to the OP of another thread: I don't care for your ex. We are interested in helping you. The most common observation LS members remind new visitors is this: you're the one who's on here, not your ex. I'm okay now, but I'm still here because the help that's been given to me? I can pay it forward now. I can share my stories w/o feeling drained. If I do feel that way (much as I like sharing, the negativity of this site is draining), I just stay away for a long time. My last visit before I came back this season was Sept of 2009.

I feel like I'm reaching that point again. Besides, the new sem is starting soon. So bananaboat, here's what I can do for you: if you still feel like talking and if you feel like we have an established trust, please feel free to PM me your e-mail address or whatever contact info you're most comfortable sharing with me. I'll do the same for you after this post. *Nevermind! You don't seem to have PM enabled!

Wow... Penelope.. I am speechless.

e-mail me @ my spam e-mail and I'll provide you with my AIM (which I rarely use), my FB if you want, and/or 1 of 2 of my private e-mails... uni email and/or gmail...

thank you.

You, BHG, and serena are too kind... =)

And one thing I just realized in the shower... she unblocked me on FB. Something about me is making her play these games. She isn't finished... she's still thinking about me, in a sense... (a sick and twisted sense) ha...

Thank you again.. for, wow, all your words... I am venturing into this cathartic state... I don't know what to say.. or do.

Edit: You probably would like my public spam e-mail LOL robby31784[@]gmail.com

Well facebook is brilliant for stalking people and being nosey. Hence why when me and my ex split i deleted him straight away!! I know deep down if i saw he was with someone else or anything it would break my heart so why put myself through it....if its not there for me to see then i wont check it...only last night though i delelted all his friends and his sister.

Dont txt her...its bloody hard i used to sit there and think an hours passed since i wanted to and i havnt...oh four hours etc etc and i never did and good because why should they think they still have all of us when they pushed us away!? Its not fair on you...she shouldnt be allowed to know she can still have you and that your just waiting and hurting. Try and be strong it will get easier im sure of it and the urge will fade!! Just have a massive moan on here next time =) sorry though hun its not nice and its not easy.

Thanks MM -

I swear on the life of me, you all make this coping so much easier. Thank you... the ex really did put me through the ringer... (just as her ex boyfriend of 4 years cheated on her for 2 of them supposedly...)

now, I understand every side has a story (and I can only imagine her side)... but I will swear on pain of death I have not fabricated truly how mean and abusive she really was to me

...*sigh*

But I said it before.. she unblocked me for whatever reason. I won't break the NC.. I can't. But, I do know.. she unblocked.. durr.. she's thinking about me (or was at one point when she did). She may still.. and when she does get over it.. she'll contact me.. or if she doesn't get over it, but misses me, she'll contact me.. or if she doesn't get over it and still hates me.. she'll block me again. It's a win - win situation, I guess, seeming I won't break the NC thanks to all of you. That kind of makes me feel better in a sick way..

and here was me thinking that men did not obsess like women do! How wrong was I!

BB I have to say this and you may not like it but she is not playing games with you you are playing games with yourself

You need to delete your facebook and move the hell on as let me tell you, abusive relationships are the worst ones to get over and while you are online stalking her then you will never get over it ... take it from one who knows!

and here was me thinking that men did not obsess like women do! How wrong was I!

 

BB I have to say this and you may not like it but she is not playing games with you you are playing games with yourself

 

You need to delete your facebook and move the hell on as let me tell you, abusive relationships are the worst ones to get over and while you are online stalking her then you will never get over it ... take it from one who knows!

Lishy... I am not stalking her. Be it as it may.. you are entitled to view the situation however you wish. I noticed her posts on a mutual friend's wall and was taken aback. I instantly became sick to my stomach... that she would... I don't even want to think of it... but I'm not going to be so immature to completely rid of a single mutual friend... that mutual friend is now on limited profile

And regardless... I am being irrational. Thank you. I'm sure we've all done stupid thing in any given situation...

...and yes, men can obsess too. But please, I wouldn't want to skew your parochial mindset.

I wasnt having a go at you BB ... I guess you are still fresh with your hurt, it takes time for it all to make sense and I know how you feel, I really do!

I was just trying to give you another perspective but you are not ready for that so I am sorry to upset you further

I wasnt having a go at you BB ... I guess you are still fresh with your hurt, it takes time for it all to make sense and I know how you feel, I really do!

 

I was just trying to give you another perspective but you are not ready for that so I am sorry to upset you further

Then my sincerest apologies, be it on an internet forum. You are a respected individual and I am out of line.

I was raised better than to be a womanizer... to give with my heart and love if my heart and my head can be in sync to a similar tune.

And I let something foolish, the physical in the relationship, cloud my mind.

And to end this thread... I can and only tell myself as much as I miss the toxicity of the relationship for some ****ed up reason... I went ahead and did the immature thing....

..the ex.

...the mutual friend.

....the friends of the ex that were cut out of my life when she dumped me via FB....

blocked them all. I need to move the **** on with my life.

If my ex TRULY, SINCERELY, HONESTLY wants me back... she'll find me some other way, but I'm not holding my breath.

Thanks again for everyone's support =)

Ok well 1 more post to say that I absolutely think you did the 100% right thing and I for one am proud of you!

Good riddance to the bad rubbish in your life! New year, new start! Go YOU!!!

Ok well 1 more post to say that I absolutely think you did the 100% right thing and I for one am proud of you!

 

Good riddance to the bad rubbish in your life! New year, new start! Go YOU!!!

Thanks lishy

i'm sorry about the earlier 'verbal aggression' i took against you. clearly, i'm not in the right state of mind... these ups & downs have been killing me. I do feel better with the ex on block, though. I'm almost positive I'm going to get a message sooner than later when she notices that I blocked HER. Something along the lines of I'm a waste of space or I'm a tool or a ****er... or something dramatically worse. The best thing is, thanks to all of you... I feel better and more at ease to ignore it. =)

I'm not a sexist or misogynist, but I know there's a smarter, more attractive women out there who I am hopefully deserving of and who will love me the same way I will love them. I have 3 more years in my PhD program and commitment to my research... eventually I'll be able to live my life and see my "youth" (which is fading much more quickly than I'd like)....

I wish I never experienced ANY of this... but I now know there are women like this out there... and today, I build a great wall of china w/ sentries posted every 10 feet around my heart... my heart is open, but it is only available to one who truly deserves it. My mind... my body... my assets... I will be more free with... but my heart CANNOT bare to suffer this writhing agony any more... it hurts too much. I have never cried like this before in my life... it is truly unbearable... and as Penelope has made mention... my academics nearly took quite a hit. Pathetic on my part... I feel disgusting.. used as a sex object. this is not me. I am not one to **** a woman and move on. I am not a womanizer. I am not a player. I am a human being... I am a caring individual. The nice guy in me... is being replaced... by what? only time will tell.

Thank you again

Sorry, I didn't read the entire thread so maybe this has been said. If she was abusive, then this is just part of the game these people play. Please walk and keep walking away from this poisonous person. She is your worst nightmare and once you fully get away and gain some rational perspective, you will wonder at what you could've possibly been thinking to want to go back to her. Just please just trust us - you need to keep her out of your life forever. Even if she comes back begging and pleading, don't let her back in. If you let her back into your life, she'll rip you up even more the next time around. I promise.

Sorry, I didn't read the entire thread so maybe this has been said. If she was abusive, then this is just part of the game these people play. Please walk and keep walking away from this poisonous person. She is your worst nightmare and once you fully get away and gain some rational perspective, you will wonder at what you could've possibly been thinking to want to go back to her. Just please just trust us - you need to keep her out of your life forever. Even if she comes back begging and pleading, don't let her back in. If you let her back into your life, she'll rip you up even more the next time around. I promise.

Thank you. I understand this now. Her love (physical) was toxic... a poison I couldn't get enough of... but I realize that now. I am going to sound shallow and conceited, but I am smart.. I have a lot going for me. I'm tall.. I'm fit.. I'm well endowed.. I'm financially stable.. my own place.. my own car (not a POS either) and I'm a gentleman. I do deserve better than her. And I will get someone who I will love who will love me back the same way.

=)

Thank you for your time & insight.

-BB

BB ... you have given me hope that there are nice, normal guys out there and that not all men are idiots

Like you, I have been in an abusive relationship which I left 5 years ago, yet I still carry the scars and probably always will

I totally understood why you went spaz on me that was why I did not retaliate as I was like you at one time and it sucks ... Time does heal and one day you will meet the girl who you know is just perfect for you, you have to because you are a wonderful guy

x

Thank you. I understand this now. Her love (physical) was toxic... a poison I couldn't get enough of... but I realize that now. I am going to sound shallow and conceited, but I am smart.. I have a lot going for me. I'm tall.. I'm fit.. I'm well endowed.. I'm financially stable.. my own place.. my own car (not a POS either) and I'm a gentleman. I do deserve better than her. And I will get someone who I will love who will love me back the same way.

 

=)

 

Thank you for your time & insight.

 

-BB

I'm glad you are finally getting to see you are better then what you were getting. It took me four months to see the light. Man she lost big time. hah

BB ... you have given me hope that there are nice, normal guys out there and that not all men are idiots

 

Like you, I have been in an abusive relationship which I left 5 years ago, yet I still carry the scars and probably always will

 

I totally understood why you went spaz on me that was why I did not retaliate as I was like you at one time and it sucks ... Time does heal and one day you will meet the girl who you know is just perfect for you, you have to because you are a wonderful guy

 

x

I do not know you well enough, but I can only say your words are ne'er spoken more true from the heart. Thank you - your conduct, class, intelligence thus reflect you as a person. I can only say to that you must truly be a beautiful person inside & out and for that, I thank you (and a few others on these boards) for showing me there are smart, independent, intelligent, caring, beautiful, sincere, caring, poignant, classy, confident women out there... maybe I'll reserve my heart for that one special one, but I'm sure... thanks to the lot of you - my heart has never felt more uplifted and free...

your kind words.. your smiles... only bring hope to a once emotionally tormented boy. I can only hope this girl does not realize what she lost and seek me out. I can say with confidence, I do not believe she will, but I fear it still...

Regardless, I can not let it worry me. You have given me a new reason to smile... thank you.

Well this thread is novelous. But I did read it.

A lot of good advice has been given but I just wanted to say that as helpful as anyone can be, you are the one who has to live with this, not them. I've been living in similar torment for almost a year now, and if facing someone gets things out in the open or leads to a conclusion, why postpone it by convincing yourself you can handle no contact? Why is it a sign of weakness or desperation to say "hi" to someone you were involved with?

Sidenote: I don't encourage you to get in touch with an emotionally unstable or generally abusive person. At least not if your strategy is to win them back. Bad bad.

If she was how you say "abusive", then we're in a similar situation because mine (not so much abusive, as passive aggressive and manipulative) also had me under his thumb. It's a more difficult decision to make because of this, maybe. But neutral ground is possible if you are level-headed about it.

I went a grueling 6 months NC with the last guy I fell for, (Meh, he started it, I'm stubborn. Then HE contacted me for 2-weeks casual and regular contact, leading me on, only for him to put a FB display pic of him and his new girl on without telling me!). Contact was 3 months ago now.

So many people have told me what to do since day ONE, and I hid behind their advice instead of facing that "demon". I have a feeling you're a little like me in the sense that you like (perhaps even need) reassurance. Now I've decided, F what people say. It's your life, your relationship (past) and if you need to say something, maybe it's better off out of your system.

Personally I plan on trying to speak to mine because I still care about him and we were great friends for a long time. However, if he's still a contemptible old goat (as he's been since deportation) then I'll quickly reduce contact until he grows a pair back. That's all that's required, really. There's no need to be overly emotional about it, and it's easy enough to ignore or deflect something your ex says/does.

I look into things like logins, views and "smoke signals". So you see, you sound a bit like me (see my thread if you like) in the so-called obsessive and analyzing aspects, too. Hence why I gave a bit of an example story and encourage you to do what you think feels right. Feelings rarely lie, but if there's doubt then maybe figure out why. Perhaps you are unhappy with how things ended, or her being abusive made you feel powerless hence you now wanting to give it another go - this time with you in control. But, either way, there's nothing stopping you from being on speaking terms. At least maybe until you find an answer for yourself as to whether she's worth getting this preoccupied with her.

I'm not sure about FB privacy settings... my ex's display picture wasn't visible before the change, but I'm pretty sure the change hasn't undone people being blocked. That might irritate some people with genuine stalker problems and whatnot.

p.s. Requirements of breaking NC: stable, logical and supportive friend(s) you trust. My closest is a real life god-send, and it helps having someone with a working brain when yours is all chewed up from love and fear.

Well this thread is novelous. But I did read it.

 

A lot of good advice has been given but I just wanted to say that as helpful as anyone can be, you are the one who has to live with this, not them. I've been living in similar torment for almost a year now, and if facing someone gets things out in the open or leads to a conclusion, why postpone it by convincing yourself you can handle no contact? Why is it a sign of weakness or desperation to say "hi" to someone you were involved with?

 

Sidenote: I don't encourage you to get in touch with an emotionally unstable or generally abusive person. At least not if your strategy is to win them back. Bad bad.

If she was how you say "abusive", then we're in a similar situation because mine (not so much abusive, as passive aggressive and manipulative) also had me under his thumb. It's a more difficult decision to make because of this, maybe. But neutral ground is possible if you are level-headed about it.

 

I went a grueling 6 months NC with the last guy I fell for, (Meh, he started it, I'm stubborn. Then HE contacted me for 2-weeks casual and regular contact, leading me on, only for him to put a FB display pic of him and his new girl on without telling me!). Contact was 3 months ago now.

So many people have told me what to do since day ONE, and I hid behind their advice instead of facing that "demon". I have a feeling you're a little like me in the sense that you like (perhaps even need) reassurance. Now I've decided, F what people say. It's your life, your relationship (past) and if you need to say something, maybe it's better off out of your system.

Personally I plan on trying to speak to mine because I still care about him and we were great friends for a long time. However, if he's still a contemptible old goat (as he's been since deportation) then I'll quickly reduce contact until he grows a pair back. That's all that's required, really. There's no need to be overly emotional about it, and it's easy enough to ignore or deflect something your ex says/does.

 

I look into things like logins, views and "smoke signals". So you see, you sound a bit like me (see my thread if you like) in the so-called obsessive and analyzing aspects, too. Hence why I gave a bit of an example story and encourage you to do what you think feels right. Feelings rarely lie, but if there's doubt then maybe figure out why. Perhaps you are unhappy with how things ended, or her being abusive made you feel powerless hence you now wanting to give it another go - this time with you in control. But, either way, there's nothing stopping you from being on speaking terms. At least maybe until you find an answer for yourself as to whether she's worth getting this preoccupied with her.

 

I'm not sure about FB privacy settings... my ex's display picture wasn't visible before the change, but I'm pretty sure the change hasn't undone people being blocked. That might irritate some people with genuine stalker problems and whatnot.

 

p.s. Requirements of breaking NC: stable, logical and supportive friend(s) you trust. My closest is a real life god-send, and it helps having someone with a working brain when yours is all chewed up from love and fear.

I appreciate your input... but I am in repair now...

This girl I was with... I did not know her prior to the relationship. So many things still go through my head... maybe she is looking for a second chance? Looking to feed her ego? I don't know... we were only together 5 months... the entire time telling me, her roommate, her friends (supposedly), my friends that she wished to spend a long, long time with me and could see us together forever. Possibly a mechanism to being neglected and cheated on by her ex boyfriend with whom she was to wed (he was going to ask her to marry him). I REALLY want to speak with her one last time... and I could be wrong, but truly... if I take my hearts advice - I should assume it's still unsteady. I don't think I'll ever be ready to open up to her again. Thus, I'm better of not knowing anything and just moving on... clearly I'm not together mentally, but I'm on the road to recovery.

I do wish you luck with your past s/o... somethings are meant to be... some are clearly not (like my situation). I still love her. And she will never know it. That's how things have to be... I didn't fall in love with her until it was too late...

And I understand it's always a 2 way street, but the only thing I did wrong in this relationship was care too much.

She has her reasons... I have my own. I can never lay my heart in her hands ever again... but I will find another N*******... only better.

Looking back - I can clearly see all the red flags and every sign points to distressed girl looking for a rebound... and I'm pretty sure she'll never forgive herself for what she did to me. A part of me thinks that's why she unblocked me... because she really made a fool of herself among my friends (defacebooking all of them)... it truly won't be easy to reestablish connection/contact with me... and i wonder if she was hoping I would first... but you know, I will never know. I can't.

Last night... I put my head on my pillow and my eyes filled with tears as I rolled over into the fetal position wondering if she really was in my life at all... and as I cried myself to sleep... there she was. Together again, we stood in the center of the ballroom. She looked absolutely magnificent... her beauty... I took my hand and lifted her chin to look into her eyes as she smiled at me. I just stood there and lost myself in her eyes... and finally spoke the words, "I love you" to her... and wished her goodbye... closed my eyes and kissed her... and awoke in a cold sweat. I ran to the bathroom to vomit, but couldn't.... I slept on the bathroom floor and when I awoke... I stood up and for the first time... she wasn't the first thing on my mind.

Yeah, a part of me will always miss her...

...and I will never understand.

I will never break the 'no contact'. Nothing good will come of it. I'll either push her & the mutual friend away... OR... she'll come back and most likely make me miserable again.

It's a lose-lose situation.

BB, you are a truely lovely guy and you will find no problem meeting the right girl

You rock!

BB, you are a truely lovely guy and you will find no problem meeting the right girl

 

You rock!

I have a huge problem though... I can NEVER pick up the subtle hints or social cues when a girl is interested in me... and I just 'go with the flow' and friend it up b/c I didn't know any better

And I don't randomly go up to women I see in a coffee shop, library, or class... and I don't pick up girls in the bar (I'm not that kind of guy...)

I'm trying to take my heart's advice... heh.

Thank you Lishy

I hope to find love one day... or hope it finds me. All one can do now is keep living their life to fulfill their hopes, dreams, and try not to have any regrets... or minimize them. All one can do is cope with the ups and downs... and with the ups, I feel invulnerable... but with the downs... I fake a facade where I 'believe' the grass will turn lush green again... and eventually, the lull subsides and my heart beats with fury again

I can only wish the best for you all for helping me in my time of disorientation and an emotional debacle... I'm not together, but i'm getting there. Thank you

And I can only hope if love hasn't found you... it will.

Well as I do ... fake it until you make it!!!

Love will happen when it is supposed to, I believe in fate and thats what I hold onto!

Well as I do ... fake it until you make it!!!

 

Love will happen when it is supposed to, I believe in fate and thats what I hold onto!

No more dreaming with a broken heart