Having been the Other Man

For what it's worth, I'm sorry about your mother. It's a difficult loss.

Thanks for that (I was remiss earlier) and mom ain't dead yet. Dementia is a slow killer. She's stage 7 now (bedridden and doesn't recognize me).

This dynamic, and the reality that many of my contemporaries care for or have elderly parents helps me people-pick better since a compatible person for me will share and value the empathy and care I express for their circumstances. If I sense a one-way street, bye-bye

Maybe I'm off base here -- I don't know -- but it seems people speak of going through Hell and high water for each other and once the Hell and high water has come and gone, there's too much water under the bridge.

 

I'm not saying I don't understand it, but was it really a truly "in love" thing if the in love just goes away? If it was such a beautiful and long love -- where's the love now?

 

....

Hi Samantha, I know this is directed to SD...it just caught my eye due to similar circumstances.

I am now starting to think that I was only meant to be in exDM's life for a season...he was my best friend, confidant, etc. I was so sure at one time that is was forever, or that in time we would be together at some point.

The process of understanding is still taking place, although after everything, there is an extremely bad taste in my mouth, and I donot like how he handled things...just some really weird stuff went down, and I saw some things that totally turned me off.

I was there for him, although once the abuse became evident, that began to fade, only holding on to this "man" that I once knew.

This may sound weird, although he would get real weird during spring and summer...I am not sure if he had a hurt ego or what, although he would constantly disrespect me by ruthlessly checking out other women, I think most of the time he did this on purpose to "pay me back" for whatever he felt was an offense at the time.

He played a lot of games, and I am not into that.

Some people handle A's just fine, but are not built for the real deal, I am convinced he's one of those people.

One can have the 'connection' for a lifetime and still, healthfully, understand and accept that the dynamic of the connection, the reality of the connection, the real person, is unhealthy and/or incompatible. Acceptance is key. In my case, it took me nearly 25 years to figure it out....

I know what my part of all of this was, and I have forgiven myself and started to move on, BUT, when I see the Obit, and NAMES of not only the BH, but his falmily, HIS FATHER, who died, his brothers, sisters, nephews and neices, his children and YES, her name too... man O man... it IS so real. THEY ALL KNOW of her affair with ME. They dont know me, maybe not even my name, but the know that the marriage is ending because of ME...

and to see her childrens names listed in the obit in the same order as of the night I met her, and WHY I fell in love with her in the first place....

hard day is all

I flat out asked her, "if your Husband wasnt divorcing you, would you still be there? The answer was YES" need I say more???????

 

This has NOTHING to do with me, it says EVERYTHING about her

 

How could I possibly let the "love of my life" lay her sweet head down on my chest at noght, knowing she wouldnt be here IF here H hadnt divorced her?

 

No thank you

Ya, I hear ya...I asked exDM that question also, he "said" that he baited her, which this part could be true...the supposed deal breaker for them was not having their money joint...he never trusted that due to massive spending on her part, although what is his meaning of "massive spending", as I saw him throw down some dollars here and there.

Their M was over before it started.

He said he didnot want to be the bad guy....God only knows the truth....

ExDM had a way of causing most in his life to feel "second", I was not the only one...I don't do well being second...well only to God and that's it!

Thanks for that (I was remiss earlier) and mom ain't dead yet. Dementia is a slow killer. She's stage 7 now (bedridden and doesn't recognize me).

Oh -- I know. I guess I just meant it was a difficult loss for me and since you mentioned she was dying, I somewhat knew the feelings you are going through and the loss you will experience in the future.

My mother didn't have dementia (cancer though), but my dad did. That's so tough. Again, I'm sorry. That loss is current whether they are passed away or not.

They dont know me, maybe not even my name, but the know that the marriage is ending because of ME...

That said, did my M end because of my former MW who became my OW? Hell no. It was purely because my stbx and I couldn't make the M work in a healthy way. It had nothing to do with fMW. I think you should consider that before blaming yourself for their D. Their M, and its failure, is on THEM... IMHO

I know what my part of all of this was, and I have forgiven myself and started to move on, BUT, when I see the Obit, and NAMES of not only the BH, but his falmily, HIS FATHER, who died, his brothers, sisters, nephews and neices, his children and YES, her name too... man O man... it IS so real. THEY ALL KNOW of her affair with ME. They dont know me, maybe not even my name, but the know that the marriage is ending because of ME...

 

and to see her childrens names listed in the obit in the same order as of the night I met her, and WHY I fell in love with her in the first place....

 

hard day is all

Yes, it is hard. There are other people attached to her and her life. Unfortunatly this is never realized by AP or dismissed. What the family knows is she chose to invite someone into her life, her family, her marriage. You own your part, she owns hers. Today may have been difficult, tomorrow is open with new grace and mercy. Your peace will return. We all get pulled down memory lane sometimes, our actions so clear in hindsight....good thing life isn't set up to be lived in the past.

Good on ya man for having a heart. That's all I can really say.

 

That said, did my M end because of my former MW who became my OW? Hell no. It was purely because my stbx and I couldn't make the M work in a healthy way. It had nothing to do with fMW. I think you should consider that before blaming yourself for their D. Their M, and its failure, is on THEM... IMHO

Took the words right out of my mouth...SD, as we all know every situation is different, and maybe yours is one of those....I knew in my case exDM's M was over, it was just a matter of time, all of the D signs were there.

Thanks for that (I was remiss earlier) and mom ain't dead yet. Dementia is a slow killer. She's stage 7 now (bedridden and doesn't recognize me).

 

This dynamic, and the reality that many of my contemporaries care for or have elderly parents helps me people-pick better since a compatible person for me will share and value the empathy and care I express for their circumstances. If I sense a one-way street, bye-bye

Very big hugs to you Carhill. I know what it's like to take care of a sick parent. Bless you.

Good on ya man for having a heart. That's all I can really say.

 

That said, did my M end because of my former MW who became my OW? Hell no. It was purely because my stbx and I couldn't make the M work in a healthy way. It had nothing to do with fMW. I think you should consider that before blaming yourself for their D. Their M, and its failure, is on THEM... IMHO

Amen carhill, amen! There would have been no A at all if the M was good.

Stampy, you are doing right by praying for him. It is okay to feel bad for his loses, but he lost his wife because she made the choices she did. You have owned you choices. I know it sounds kind of strange, but when you have a love one dying of cancer, though you don't want them to go, you don't want them to be in pain either. Your prayer of intercession shows you growth in faith. You are forgiven, let go.

I would have said the same thing but I am glad Bent said it first.

Stamp, you have shown remorse throughout all of your postings. Please let it go and rest. I am sure BH is focusing on saying goodbye to his father and not really focusing on an A that ended so long ago. Peace brother.

You and I have come a long way Stampy....its always a pleasure to see you post. Peace be with you my brother...

Hey Stamp,

WB! Go easy on yourself and give yourself a (((((hug))))) from me.

Everyone loves BNB!

SD, you're on the healthier path now.. You've done alot of soul searching and come a long way. You've learned lessons and grown from them..Something that unfortunately for her, your exMW hasn't been able to learn or want to learn, or accept. Or change.

Thanks ya'll......

I do feel better, so thank you for alllowing me to post this....

I know what my part of all of this was, and I have forgiven myself and started to move on, BUT, when I see the Obit, and NAMES of not only the BH, but his falmily, HIS FATHER, who died, his brothers, sisters, nephews and neices, his children and YES, her name too... man O man... it IS so real. THEY ALL KNOW of her affair with ME. They dont know me, maybe not even my name, but the know that the marriage is ending because of ME...

 

and to see her childrens names listed in the obit in the same order as of the night I met her, and WHY I fell in love with her in the first place....

 

hard day is all

Hey Stamp!

I can imagine how reading the names of her family members is hard; I would find it so, too. It's always there in the back of the mind - those that suffer as a result (especially innocent children), but it's still like a smack across the face, or a punch in the stomach, or whatever damned body part you like when confronted with it like that.

I think that although it's good 'n all that you are owning your part, I think you're being too harsh when you say the marriage is ending because of you. You were a factor, but there marriage problems were theirs and her choices were hers. You are a man with a heart, and that's so admirable (yes, I know they all have actual technical hearts, but ya know what I mean!) but you need to release that guilt; it might just continue to eat at you if you don't.

Hey Stamp!

 

I can imagine how reading the names of her family members is hard; I would find it so, too. It's always there in the back of the mind - those that suffer as a result (especially innocent children), but it's still like a smack across the face, or a punch in the stomach, or whatever damned body part you like when confronted with it like that.

 

I think that although it's good 'n all that you are owning your part, I think you're being too harsh when you say the marriage is ending because of you. You were a factor, but there marriage problems were theirs and her choices were hers. You are a man with a heart, and that's so admirable (yes, I know they all have actual technical hearts, but ya know what I mean!) but you need to release that guilt; it might just continue to eat at you if you don't.

I appreciate it. I am better now, just got caught up in the moment. I felt the need to speak from the "OM's" perspective that we are all not just "looking for a piece of ass" as I have read before and realize that alot of BH's think that is all we are about. NO!!!! Some of us are not... anyway, I am better and back to MY PATH

Someday maybe I can buy you a beer stamp. You're a good man. Don't let anybody tell you different.

Someday maybe I can buy you a beer stamp. You're a good man. Don't let anybody tell you different.

It says a lot when a fBH says that about you Stamp.

Hope your day is better.

Everyone loves BNB!

 

SD, you're on the healthier path now.. You've done alot of soul searching and come a long way. You've learned lessons and grown from them..Something that unfortunately for her, your exMW hasn't been able to learn or want to learn, or accept. Or change.

:eek:Are yall talking about me? It's nice to hear though, thank you for the kind words.:love: I needed them today.

Maybe I'm off base here -- I don't know -- but it seems people speak of going through Hell and high water for each other and once the Hell and high water has come and gone, there's too much water under the bridge.

 

I'm not saying I don't understand it, but was it really a truly "in love" thing if the in love just goes away? If it was such a beautiful and long love -- where's the love now?

 

What do you mean "she never came to me" -- she got divorced? I'm not knocking you, by the way, stampdaddy. I like your posts. Do you mean she never left HIM for you? Was that the unpardonable sin? Or did she literally never come to you in particular as she went through the divorce process?

 

Will be six years since what? Since you two saw each other?

 

And out of curiosity, since it's been so long -- do you have someone else now?

 

Just trying to understand....

Why do you think that if you are once "in love" with someone, you always have to be? You can be in love with some and that love die, at least in my belief. Love can fade and die, love can end. Things that end love are distrust, dishonesty, lack of character.... abuse (mental, physical, drugs, alcohol, etc), cheating, outgrowing that love... many things.

Yes, it is hard. There are other people attached to her and her life. Unfortunatly this is never realized by AP or dismissed. What the family knows is she chose to invite someone into her life, her family, her marriage. You own your part, she owns hers. Today may have been difficult, tomorrow is open with new grace and mercy. Your peace will return. We all get pulled down memory lane sometimes, our actions so clear in hindsight....good thing life isn't set up to be lived in the past.

Excellent post Bent!

:eek:Are yall talking about me? It's nice to hear though, thank you for the kind words.:love: I needed them today.

You know I'm your biggest fan:love::love:. So yes, we'reall talking about YOU!

This just shows empathy Stamp. Even though he's going through a loss, he would have gone through it anyway regardless of you. They might have gotten divorced anyway too. Sometimes the cart comes before the horse.