Porn

Men only look at porn because they don't get enough sex from their SO. If he was satisfied by you then he wouldn't need to watch porn I think it's a man's right to take care of himself if his wife or girlfriend doesn't want to have sex with him. Unlike women who can go years without sex, most men need to get off usually atleast once a day and if he doesn't get any sex from you then what is he supposed to do? Women don't seem to be able to understand that men have much much higher sex drives and can't go weeks or months without sex or masturbating, like women. Offcourse though it shouldn't be excessive which I'm shure can happen. But looking at porn like once a day or a few times a week is fully normal for men.

What an ignorant view of women's sex drives! Wayne, guess what? There are women who relish sex just as much as men do. As for masturbation, why do you think vibrators are marketed mainly to women? Your ideas are straight out of Victorian England, when women were believed and expected to have no interest and knowledge about sex. I need sex at least four times a week and I have porn bookmarked on my Blackberry. By your laughably incorrect logic, I must really be a man!

I do want to control his sexual release, I want all his orgasms with me

 

Perhaps the problem isn't just the porn but some serious control issues in your marriage. You want to control him, and he is showing you that he is not going to let you.

In his mind, it is likely that he no longer has you in the 'sexual wife' category but the 'controlling mother' category and has problems even thinking about you in a sexual way anymore. Add to that a passive aggressive way of telling you to basically "go f*ck yourself" (doing things he knows hurts you) and you have more of a controlling mother/rebellious son dynamic instead of a wife/husband dynamic. When it is taken a step further, he may jump from porn to an actual OW in time - one who allows for sexual permissiveness rather than sexual constraint.

Your marriage is going to fail at this rate. You and he are a rock and a hard place, and I don't see this going anywhere but downhill. You and he need some serious mediation at this point if you want your marriage to survive.

Wayne,

Agree with you on some things you say but I don't on the bolded part.

 

While I won't have any emotional attachment to the woman I view in a porn video, to be honest, I sure would want to be in the man's place!

 

Yes, I'm wanting to "get off" (which I can do easily enough w/o porn) but I'm not gonna pretend that the images don't make me lust towards her and wish I was doing that with her.

I'm speaking mainly of men in relationships. Offcourse single men would do it... But what I mean is. That just because a man in a relationship looks at porn it doesn't mean that he actually would have sex with the woman in them given the opportunity... like I said it's just a way to get off.

I'm speaking mainly of men in relationships. Offcourse single men would do it... But what I mean is. That just because a man in a relationship looks at porn it doesn't mean that he actually would have sex with the woman in them given the opportunity... like I said it's just a way to get off.

I wouldn't be so sure about that. Men and women have fantasies all day and think about doing things with other people that they wouldn't dare tell their spouses or SOs.

Read: romance novels for women.

I think the equivalent would be to have a guy over to just kiss and cuddle with.

Dreaming's point is spot-on.

At first I was going to object to her post but then my other post proved her point:

Men do get taken in by viewing porn and thus distracted from their spouse.

While I won't have any emotional attachment to the woman I view in a porn video, to be honest, I sure would want to be in the man's place!

 

Yes, I'm wanting to "get off" (which I can do easily enough w/o porn) but I'm not gonna pretend that the images don't make me lust towards her and wish I was doing that with her.

I said I don't need porn to get off. Get this: while MB'ing w/o porn, I'll often have fantasies (of straight vanilla sex, nothing more) involving my wife or re-enact things that she and I once did (again, intimate moments with her- nothing weird or kinky).

I guess I could fantasize about someone else while MB'ing but find myself desiring her.

When I'm doing porn, I'm not thinking about her in any way...

I think it is much closer to a control issue as well and insecurities are playing a huge role.

Touching an actual person isn't even close to looking at porn, not by a long shot.

I like to watch porn myself and when I do I put myself and my bf in action, not the guy in the video.

I don't understand women that think it's such a big deal. Titty bars can be an issue ( if the woman doesn't go along) obviously prostitutes are the death of relationships, images on a screen or magazine are not that big a deal to me.

No it wouldn't. So the equivalent of a man watching porn is a woman kissing and cuddling with another man? How does that even make sense? Men watch porn to make it easier to "get off", we don't feel anything for the woman in the porn vids and just because we look at the porn vids doesn't mean that we actually want to have sex with the woman in them, it's just a tool to get off really...

Ofcourse it makes sense!!

I hate the fact he watches porn, I am very jealous.

But if I were to watch porn? He couldnt care less, does not bother him at all.

If I were to kiss/cuddle another man however, he would be very jealous.

So therefore him looking at porn is the equivalent of me being with another man.

Ofcourse it makes sense!!

 

I hate the fact he watches porn, I am very jealous.

But if I were to watch porn? He couldnt care less, does not bother him at all.

If I were to kiss/cuddle another man however, he would be very jealous.

 

So therefore him looking at porn is the equivalent of me being with another man.

Kissing and cuddling is alot worse than looking at porn, so no it doesn't make sense because that thinking is just stupid. Looking at porn is not cheating, kissing and cuddling with someone is.

Women don't seem to be able to understand that porn is just a tool to get off when you(the woman) don't want to have sex. Simple as that.

Ofcourse it makes sense!!

 

I hate the fact he watches porn, I am very jealous.

But you're jealous because of your own insecurities - that really doesn't have anything to do with him. That's your own issue that you need to get past.

But if I were to watch porn? He couldnt care less, does not bother him at all.

If I were to kiss/cuddle another man however, he would be very jealous.

of course he would be jealous because you would be actually doing REAL things with another man.

He's WATCHING porn, he's not touching the women in the videos, he's not kissing them, he's watching an IMAGE.

It's not like he knows them, or is trying to get with them, kissing them or cuddling with them.

So therefore him looking at porn is the equivalent of me being with another man.

Ok, so since you seem to see that as an equal offense.

Does that mean that you wouldn't be more hurt or jealous or rejected if he ACTUALLY kissed or fooled around with a real woman that wasn't you?

Does that mean, that if he does that, he's just going to get the usual punishement/drama he gets for watching porn and nothing more?

I would assume so, since you seem to see those 2 things as equal.

I think it is much closer to a control issue as well and insecurities are playing a huge role.

Touching an actual person isn't even close to looking at porn, not by a long shot.

I like to watch porn myself and when I do I put myself and my bf in action, not the guy in the video.

I don't understand women that think it's such a big deal. Titty bars can be an issue ( if the woman doesn't go along) obviously prostitutes are the death of relationships, images on a screen or magazine are not that big a deal to me.

I agree with you Ella.

As far as the strip clubs go - that's fine as long as the guy is not getting a lap dance or "extras".

As for porn - I think its all good AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T take away from sex in the relationship - I think that if gets to that point, then its def a problem, otherwise, its not an issue.

Kissing and cuddling is alot worse than looking at porn, so no it doesn't make sense because that thinking is just stupid. Looking at porn is not cheating, kissing and cuddling with someone is.

 

Women don't seem to be able to understand that porn is just a tool to get off when you(the woman) don't want to have sex. Simple as that.

I understand that it is a tool to get off for men.

I want to be the only tool he needs/wants to get off.

Im always up for sex/pleasing him?The only time I dont want to is when I know he has been using porn, its a big mood killer.

My H says its for when Im not home, but what happens when I do get home? I want to have sex, but he's already used his 'tools'

He would still have sex with me ofcourse, but its always in the back of my mind: Does he even want to do this, is he thinking of the porn he just used etc

I want him to just wait for me to get back or whatever & be lust filled and ready for me, not 'all masturbated out'

Im not saying his porn use replaces our sex life though. It's not that bad, though I am worried it may get to that point.

TigerCub, you make some good points

And I guess those two things are not equivalent, but the two feelings would be the same.

The pain I feel when he looks at porn is the same pain he would feel if I was with another man.

The loss of trust I feel when he looks at porn, is the same loss of trust he would feel if I was with someone else.

Thats what I mean.

I'm speaking mainly of men in relationships. Offcourse single men would do it... But what I mean is. That just because a man in a relationship looks at porn it doesn't mean that he actually would have sex with the woman in them given the opportunity... like I said it's just a way to get off.

Kissing and cuddling is alot worse than looking at porn, so no it doesn't make sense because that thinking is just stupid. Looking at porn is not cheating, kissing and cuddling with someone is.

 

Women don't seem to be able to understand that porn is just a tool to get off when you(the woman) don't want to have sex. Simple as that.

I see what you're saying... men looking at women in sex pics wouldn't necessarily want to be with that particular woman.

But... if you watch videos with all the foreplay, kissing, then consummation, you tell me you wouldn't desire her and want her to do that for you?

I get it you wouldn't want to tell your spouse or GF that you'd want to do that with the woman in the video, but I find that hard to believe a man wouldn't fantasize about having sex with that woman he sees on the screen.

Have you seen a video or just looked at pics?

edited out

Kissing and cuddling is alot worse than looking at porn, so no it doesn't make sense because that thinking is just stupid. Looking at porn is not cheating, kissing and cuddling with someone is.

 

Women don't seem to be able to understand that porn is just a tool to get off when you(the woman) don't want to have sex. Simple as that.

Looking at porn is cheating in my books. I think kissing and cuddling is way less worse, no one is even naked. If my husband told me he kissed someone, I would be pissed, if my husband told me he watched porn with another girl but they didn't even touch and kept clothes on etc etc, I would be livid!

 

of course he would be jealous because you would be actually doing REAL things with another man. but if it wasn't sex and just a tool to feel special or whatever, it shouldn't be that bad.

He's WATCHING porn, he's not touching the women in the videos, he's not kissing them, he's watching an IMAGE. That image triggers exactly the same chemical reaction in his brain as sex, it even triggers some relationship drivers. Have you not seen how hostile the guys on here get at the very suggestion that porn is a problem? It is like you are insulting their girlfriend.

It's not like he knows them, or is trying to get with them, So one night stands are okay then? kissing them or cuddling with them.

 

 

Ok, so since you seem to see that as an equal offense.

Does that mean that you wouldn't be more hurt or jealous or rejected if he ACTUALLY kissed or fooled around with a real woman that wasn't you?

 

I would view him kissing and cuddling other women to be on the level of him viewing porn personally.

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To the OP, what is your plan? If there isn't some kind of compromise, then more than likely this will be the pattern that continues on. You not liking it, and him continuing on.

Okay - so your man leaves the hospital just after you've given birth to jerk it to porn. That's a total dick move and completely indefensible. I will not touch it because he's 100 percent in the wrong here.

But here's my beef - every guy will look at porn at some point.

And I don't mean most guys, or manly guys, or pervy guys, or dirty old men guys. I mean all guys. I mean your insurance agent. I mean your dentist. I mean your pastor or rabbi. I mean Mr. Rogers and Santa Claus. I mean your dad, your uncle, your brother and your grandfather. I mean all guys.

We're a lesser life form than women - I totally agree with that - and there are times we're completely controlled by impulses. But we're still here and like zombies, you can't kill us all.

Does he need to clean up his act and control those impulses a little better - yes. Do you need to accept that he will view porn sometimes? That's up to you.

but if it wasn't sex and just a tool to feel special or whatever, it shouldn't be that bad.

Are you serious?

you honestly don't see the difference between WATCHING something and DOING something with someone?

That's the silliest explanation ever!

So you think its ok to fool around with someone as long as it makes you feel special, but you're bitching about your H looking at porn?

The 2 things don't compare at all.

That image triggers exactly the same chemical reaction in his brain as sex, it even triggers some relationship drivers. Have you not seen how hostile the guys on here get at the very suggestion that porn is a problem? It is like you are insulting their girlfriend.

I think guys get defensive and annoyed because they're sick of the drama the insecure girls cause when it comes to porn.

Guys seem to see it as just Images that turn them on and get them off when sex isn't the option.

Some women see it as competition and they compare themselves to the girls in the videos and then feel bad - that's THEIR OWN insecurity issue.

IF the sex in the relationship is still great and frequent and porn isn't taking away from that and its just being used on the side, then porn shouldn't be an issue, but there are women like you and the OP that let their insecurities get the best of them and they make porn out to be the monster that they're competing with, when in fact its your own self esteem issues you need to tackle.

I know that because i've been there, and I've dealt with it and moves past it.

It's not like he knows them, or is trying to get with them, So one night stands are okay then? kissing them or cuddling with them.

I don't see how you don't get the difference.

Images are not REAL. Its not something he can hold, its not something he's getting physical with.

I don't see how you compare the one night stand to that?

Yeah fine, maybe in a one night stand, the people don't get to know much about each other, but they're still gettin with each other. they're still being physical, its real no matter how insignificant it is.

A one night stand is in now way a valid comparison to watching porn!

I would view him kissing and cuddling other women to be on the level of him viewing porn personally.

Wow, don't tell him that because that's pretty much giving him a free pass to do exactly that with other women - since you're already giving him sh** about porn, and the punishment for getting the real thing isn't any worse - I can't see how he'd resist - I mean if you don't see it as being worse, if he's already in s**t then might as well get the most for his buck kinda thing...

Are you serious?

you honestly don't see the difference between WATCHING something and DOING something with someone?

...

I think guys get defensive and annoyed because they're sick of the drama the insecure girls cause when it comes to porn.

Guys seem to see it as just Images that turn them on and get them off when sex isn't the option.

Some women see it as competition and they compare themselves to the girls in the videos and then feel bad - that's THEIR OWN insecurity issue.

 

IF the sex in the relationship is still great and frequent and porn isn't taking away from that and its just being used on the side, then porn shouldn't be an issue, but there are women like you and the OP that let their insecurities get the best of them and they make porn out to be the monster that they're competing with, when in fact its your own self esteem issues you need to tackle.

I know that because i've been there, and I've dealt with it and moves past it.

..

I agree with the bolded part.

After reading dreamingoftigers post,I've changed my mind on this issue.

I always read or heard that a woman would be offended if she discovered her man was viewing porn, but I hadn't really thought it out that much.

I didn't see any harm earlier as watching those vids certainly wasn't going to interfere with me "getting" any at home as that isn't available anymore. (Though I'm trying and have a "plan" for this weekend.... but watch me get shot down again:mad:)

But as I stated, I frequently saw myself lusting towards the woman in the videos and wanting to be in that position with her. I don't like that aspect and had to admit that after reading dreamingoftigers post

I originally planned to go after her about that point but after thinking it over, I realize she was RIGHT.

Like Emma, the OP in this thread, dreamingoftigers was hurt by her H's porn use and had a right to be offended.

He apparently spends more time with porn than satisfying her needs.

That's not in any way my situation and I assure you I have never let porn interfere in that area...

I certainly don't want to cause any hurt in this relationship.

I've never been an alcoholic, a drug user or promiscuous nor cheated or committed adultery ( okay, I admit I've thought about an affair) or any of the "vices" that others have battled (not bragging here) but I can see how something like this can take a hold of someone. I want to stop, though it's hard.

dreamingoftigers has some good points here and should be listened to.

Are you serious?

you honestly don't see the difference between WATCHING something and DOING something with someone?

That's the silliest explanation ever!

So you think its ok to fool around with someone as long as it makes you feel special, but you're bitching about your H looking at porn?

The 2 things don't compare at all.

 

It wouldn't be just watching something for a lot of guys. My husband and other men develop addictions to the "not real" stuff that you have described. He actively replaced sex with porn and I am not alone in having a spouse like this. Many of the women of S-Anon that I attend have had the same issues. Granted many of these men are predisposed to sex and porn addiction, but the porn heavily, heavily fuels it. Men like my husband and the OP's SO (regardless of her insecurities and control issues) really cannot moderately view porn. When a guy starts lying and the porn becomes his primary relationship instead of his wife or girlfriend then you have a huge problem. I am sure many men use porn for a back-up when the wife or so isn't around or into it. But for those of us that have fallen into 2nd place through no actual fault of our own (and yes we do exist) it is torrentially painful. And yes, just as painful as the physical crap that gets pulled.

 

 

I think guys get defensive and annoyed because they're sick of the drama the insecure girls cause when it comes to porn.

Guys seem to see it as just Images that turn them on and get them off when sex isn't the option. (Some guys use it as their go-to and it takes up all of their spare time and some work hours as well as time they are supposed to be spending with their family (such as just after a birth) and use it to escape reality and their responsibilities)

Some women see it as competition and they compare themselves to the girls in the videos and then feel bad - that's THEIR OWN insecurity issue.

 

(It really seems like a competition when you can't even get the guy to stay at the hospital after a birth. Whatever the girls in the images have must be pretty compelling considering his new son couldn't hold his attention. I would say that that sounds like addictive behaviour)

 

IF the sex in the relationship is still great and frequent and porn isn't taking away from that and its just being used on the side, then porn shouldn't be an issue, but there are women like you and the OP that let their insecurities get the best of them and they make porn out to be the monster that they're competing with, when in fact its your own self esteem issues you need to tackle.

I know that because i've been there, and I've dealt with it and moves past it.

(In my case my husband has a porn ADDICTION. The ADDICTION is the monster. When you are married to an active addict who doesn't care enough to quit and tackle their addiction, it HURTS. If my husband was using alcohol or compulsively playing a video game on the computer constantly and could not moderate it and could not tear himself away from it, it would still be a problem. The fact that it is a SEXUAL ADDICTION merely compounds the issue.)

 

If he was an alcoholic that refused to stop, refused to get help and constantly lied about it, EVERYONE on this board would say to get rid of him.

 

I don't see how you don't get the difference.

Images are not REAL. (They are real, they are made with real people living real lives and they are really invading my living space and my relationship). Its not something he can hold, its not something he's getting physical with. So, if your SO invited a couple of girls over to watch them having sex with each other on your couch you wouldn't have a problem with that?

I don't see how you compare the one night stand to that?

Yeah fine, maybe in a one night stand, the people don't get to know much about each other, but they're still gettin with each other. they're still being physical, its real no matter how insignificant it is.

 

You said specifically that with porn it wasn't like the guy knew her and wanted to get with her. I disagree. He is watching her have sex and using the visual stimulation from this to have his own sexual encounter which provides then same physiological and neurological response as having sex. Sounds like he wants to get with her.

 

A one night stand is in now way a valid comparison to watching porn!

 

We can agree to disagree. Although one is STD-risk free.

 

 

Wow, don't tell him that because that's pretty much giving him a free pass to do exactly that with other women - since you're already giving him sh** about porn, (I actually don't give him **** about porn, he has a choice about porn, he can choose this relationship or the one with the porn, his choice is not up to me and I am not going to shame him either way about it, if he thinks he can be happier with it, then bon voyage, but I will no longer put myself in last place in my marriage. He made his own bed and he can lie in it. He is also free to seek out another relationship with someone who might be more "open minded" to porn. I doubt it would last very long though because he isn't very checked in when he indulges in his addiction, he is also incredibly moody because he uses it to try and stabilize his moods. As well I am sure that whoever his new girlfriend is would get bored of not having sex more then once a month after awhile no matter what she does to make herself hot and available. My husband knows this too, if fact our therapist has told me it has to do with childhood attachment problems. Something that about 15% of the male population has. Sex and porn tend to exacerbate the symptoms.) and the punishment for getting the real thing isn't any worse - I can't see how he'd resist - I mean if you don't see it as being worse, if he's already in s**t then might as well get the most for his buck kinda thing...(Hopefully he does get the bang for his buck if he tries either, because the child support he will paying will be quite substantial I am sure. It had better be worth it. I would hate to the he torched his whole marriage for only mediochre sex.)

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Thank you Floridaman.

I agree with the bolded part.

After reading dreamingoftigers post,I've changed my mind on this issue.

I always read or heard that a woman would be offended if she discovered her man was viewing porn, but I hadn't really thought it out that much.

 

I didn't see any harm earlier as watching those vids certainly wasn't going to interfere with me "getting" any at home as that isn't available anymore. (Though I'm trying and have a "plan" for this weekend.... but watch me get shot down again:mad:)

 

But as I stated, I frequently saw myself lusting towards the woman in the videos and wanting to be in that position with her. I don't like that aspect and had to admit that after reading dreamingoftigers post

 

I originally planned to go after her about that point but after thinking it over, I realize she was RIGHT.

 

Like Emma, the OP in this thread, dreamingoftigers was hurt by her H's porn use and had a right to be offended.

He apparently spends more time with porn than satisfying her needs.

 

That's not in any way my situation and I assure you I have never let porn interfere in that area...

 

I certainly don't want to cause any hurt in this relationship.

 

I've never been an alcoholic, a drug user or promiscuous nor cheated or committed adultery ( okay, I admit I've thought about an affair) or any of the "vices" that others have battled (not bragging here) but I can see how something like this can take a hold of someone. I want to stop, though it's hard.

 

dreamingoftigers has some good points here and should be listened to.

Look, porn is natural for all...men and women.

unless, like any other activity, it becomes excessive or takes away from time, attention, or intimacy together.

Plus, most porn is made by men for men. If a man thinks that a 7-minute porn clip has ANYTHING to do with satisfying a woman, he will be sorely disappointed when his wife stops wanting to have sex with him.

Watching too much of it can make you a worse, not better lover. It can also rob you of emotionally connecting before sex because now that you're all revved up, you just want to go there. (True for men and women!)

After a while, that's no fun either.

We've limited it to things we can enjoy watching together, and if either one of us finds that, we share it.

I keep asking where are the good-looking men in these films as the ahem, face is apparently not important?, but the women are air-brushed to perfection. Apparently that has made my husband insecure. I also comment on how so much of it bores me, as it is made mostly by men for men.

So most can handle it and not have it affect their relationship. But some cannot and it is well documented in psych journals and the ranks of addicted are growing.

It leads to HUGE problems in relationships, sorry to say.

So if the OP is sensing changes in her husband's character and how he relates to her as his porn viewing grows more and more excessive, yeah, she has a right to her concern.

Which has NOTHING to do with the right or wrong of porn viewing.

The OP isn't married to this man, and I'm sure there are reasons for that. I'm not saying that everyone with a baby needs to be married. However, she has to decide if this is the person she wants to be a role model to her baby.

I thought they were married. Looking back more closely, they're just "partners."

Well, it's still a monogomous relationship and they have the responsiblity of a child, so it's very rude and immature of him to carry on that way especially with her doing the labor of childbirth!

Sorry for not correcting anyone, no we are not married.

We were not in a serious relationship when I fell pregnant, and we weren't interested in a 'shotgun' wedding.

Anyway, the reason I wrote this post is because I was hoping for a black and white answer to why he does this/how to fix it.

I now see there are so so many shades of grey to this topic, everyone has different opinions, some agree, some don't.

To the OP, what is your plan? If there isn't some kind of compromise, then more than likely this will be the pattern that continues on. You not liking it, and him continuing on.

I really don't know. There does need to be a compromise, but I find it hard to believe him. He says he wont look at it now etc etc....I honestly dont believe him. I think he will just wait for my guard to come down & hide it much better.

In the past I have said, fine look at it when I'm not home.

But I still feel jealous, I still want him to wait for me to return

Okay - so your man leaves the hospital just after you've given birth to jerk it to porn. That's a total dick move and completely indefensible. I will not touch it because he's 100 percent in the wrong here.

 

But here's my beef - every guy will look at porn at some point.

 

And I don't mean most guys, or manly guys, or pervy guys, or dirty old men guys. I mean all guys. I mean your insurance agent. I mean your dentist. I mean your pastor or rabbi. I mean Mr. Rogers and Santa Claus. I mean your dad, your uncle, your brother and your grandfather. I mean all guys.

 

We're a lesser life form than women - I totally agree with that - and there are times we're completely controlled by impulses. But we're still here and like zombies, you can't kill us all.

 

Does he need to clean up his act and control those impulses a little better - yes. Do you need to accept that he will view porn sometimes? That's up to you.

I agree with the fact that all men look at porn in some way or another.

I just wish they didnt

I love my partner, he treats me well. This is probably the only serious problem we have.

If he loves me like he says he does, why cant he just give it up.

Why is his male impulse/need/visual nature more important than our relationship?

I just keep picturing the movie he had hidden, it is of a young girl, definately not over 18...probably 16.

Although I am only 19, I feel too old for him, he wants a young fresh school girl, and I am 'used goods' as I have had a child.

Is that me being insecure or is it what he really thinks?

He obviously desires a young pretty girl, and can orgasm while just looking at one.

I was 15 when we met, I was the young school girl he lusted over, now he has seen me 10000 times, I am just a piece of furniture.

I just feel I can never be what he wants...

His porn use magnifys this and throws it in my face

I've only read the first and last page of this thread, and here's my view:

It doesn't matter if it was porn. People are getting hung up on that. The point is, the BF is disrespecting the OP by continually crossing her known boundary.

 

Simplistically, if the OP said she was terribly offended by chocolate, and didn't want chocolate in the house, didn't want anyone close to her eating chocolate. That's her boundary, and not up for debate whether her boundary is stupid or not, or if chocolate is harmful or not. It's her boundary. The BF can either respect the boundary, or negotiate it. He should not sneak around doing what he wants, simply evading the boundary. (And not doing a very good job of it.) It's plainly disrespectful, and shows he has the capacity to be disrespectful in other aspects of the relationship, ie leaving to "eat chocolate" right after the baby was born.

 

Addiction or not, leaving right after the baby was born and spending little time at the hospital shows clearly where his priorities are.

 

If I were to take a stab at the reasons why he's obsessed with the porn right now, it might be that he anticipates not getting sex in the near future due to the baby. Some men can't be grown ups and deal with that in a respectful manner.

 

To me, all of this speaks more of his character than anything else. He's plain selfish.

 

The OP isn't married to this man, and I'm sure there are reasons for that. I'm not saying that everyone with a baby needs to be married. However, she has to decide if this is the person she wants to be a role model to her baby.

Spot on.

Porn is my boundry. But for lots of other wives/gf's its fine.

How do they do it? How can they honestly not feel any pain/jealousy when he looks at porn...that is what I would like to know!

I either have to change my boundries or leave because I highly doubt it he is going to turn around and start respecting them now.

And no, I dont want him showing our son that this is ok.

It will be many years before he is old enough, but I dont want him thinking women are objects to look at & get off...

I want him to understand that a woman needs to be respected, and that she is a real person, not a maid & personal prostitute.

Spot on.

Porn is my boundry. But for lots of other wives/gf's its fine.

How do they do it? How can they honestly not feel any pain/jealousy when he looks at porn...that is what I would like to know!

 

They don't view it as sex or as anything that has a leg up on them (so to speak). When men start ignoring their mates emotional etc. needs in favor of porn, and start lying and doing all other sorts of bs just to watch it, then there is the real problem.

 

I also noticed during my H's porn use he was not very present when we had sex, like I was supposed to just perform a very quick function.

 

I either have to change my boundries or leave because I highly doubt it he is going to turn around and start respecting them now.

And no, I dont want him showing our son that this is ok.

It will be many years before he is old enough, but I dont want him thinking women are objects to look at & get off...

I want him to understand that a woman needs to be respected, and that she is a real person, not a maid & personal prostitute.

Check out some literature or go to dailystrength (google it) that have a sex and pornography addiction support group. Some of the folks in there would be able to help you gain some clarity. There are men and women who have gotten past their porn addiction. It is not as active as a forum, but the quality of support may be more specific to what you are looking for.