Serious Reconciliation after GIGS?

I am a wonderful man. I am also a wonderful father. Even though I have the lesser experience compared to my ex, she basically destroyed our family because she wanted to be single like her co-workers.

Its was amazing that my ex began to regret me and our young child the moment things got rough (i got laid off from work). I used to blame God that if I would never had got laid off, I would still have my family but now I look at it differently. In a way, even though the last few years she treated me (and even to a degree, our 2 year old) like dirt... I am waiting for myself to become strong enough to forgive her.

She did everything in the book for GIGS but what is different is that it not only effected me... it also effected our child. She purposely sabotaged our relationship and our child had to live through it all. I have never had any experience outside of her in my life so having a child at 23 should had caused me to go beserk but I made a strong/dedicated decsion. I had a share of times when I could had ran off but I knew the grass on the other side was nothing compared to what I already had.

I was told by a friend that the only reason my ex was able to think about cheating, partying, treating our child poorly was because of me! My friend said that if I was a "average" father, she would had to step into her roles but because I was so good she was able to slack off knowing I would step in. There were times where I couldn't leave our child with her because she refused to care for him. She once threatened me with leaving me because I asked her to watch our child because I was sick. I was told by my ex's sister that her mistreatment towards me was due to the fact that I loved our family so much. Isn't that something!!!

I am a great guy... I mean great! I can do everything from cooking, cleaning, I can be the "father" and the "mother," school, work ethics... you can say that I am a one in a million kind of guy. Whats sad is that my ex fully knew it and always expressed it but she needed to find herself I guess. She is gone now. Last time I heard, she caught a STD from sleeping around. I miss her so much but at the same time I want to move on.

I am a full time nursing student now. I was fully devastated and even thought of "ending it for good" for myself because I blamed myself. I began to hate how caring I was and how dedicated I was to my family. My ex said some of the meanest things even mocking my love/dedication for our child. Horrible dreams and everything else ate at me so much it became a matter of time before I would snap. Thankfully accidently running into some very good GIGS (which I didn't even know about) writeups on this forum ("homebrew" i think)... it made me understand that it wasn't my fault. So whoever wrote that... you basically saved someone from doing possibly something really bad.... thank you

I now want to move on. There is a problem though... I never been with anyone outside of her. I am basically a guy in my mid to late 20's with little to none dating experience. I am very handsome, fit and smart but I have no idea on how to talk/approach a lady (my last conversation with a attractive female... my voice cracked!!!). My confidence was shattered but I am building it up again. I am not a hermit... I do go out and socialize but I want meet someone else.

There is another problem. My ex indirectly hinted that when her minds clears, she would want to be with me. She is still sleeping around but I guess she knows what she is passing up and somehow I have the biggest gut feeling that she is gonna try to establish something with me in the future again. Her older sister did something very similar to what she is doing and know her sister and her husband are "happily ever after." BUT I don't want to be a second/last choice. My luck with women is horrible because I lack approach skills with women and some friends can still see the stress of everything that happened on my face. When I bluntly brought it up to my ex (that is she planning to come back similar to what her sister did), she replied "hell no" to it ever happening BUT I feel that she isn't telling the truth about it.

Everyone I know has said that they are about 80-90% positive that my ex will want me back after she realizes what she lost. My friends and family have told me that if I ever take her back, they will have nothing to do with me because she put me and our child through so much.

Thats a big story you just read so thanks. My main question is that has there been any positive experiences from someone who did end up happy with someone who had GIGS (other than my ex sister's husband)?

My other question is has the dumpee ever encountered an ex who left them... try to come back after a few years? My ex has became very selfishness and seeing her asking me to be part of her life again seems hard to picture (she would want me but would view it "beneath herself" to ask for it) but it can always happen. Anything similar?

My other question is have any of you dumpee's ever received proper closure from the GIGS dumper? I have asked for closure but she refuses to give it as if my ex wants me to think of her. Like if she is the only band-aid to my wound so leaving me "open" would make me unable to properly move forward. She has proclaimed for me to move forward but quickly has asked if im moving foward by myself or with someone else when I told her that I am trying. It was very shocking of her asking me that.

Lastly, how could I explain the breakup to our child when our child is older?

Thanks for reading. Her GIGS experience destroyed me and even our child but I am linking chains of success. I wish that I could have the old her.... but that person is gone.

Look at it this way. If you had left her, gone off having sex with loads of other women, caught an STD, abandoned your daughter, completely disrespected her and your relationship... would she take you back? Hell no! She has treated you, not just like a doormat, but like a piece of sh*t on the doormat!

My friends and family have told me that if I ever take her back, they will have nothing to do with me because she put me and our child through so much.

Huh, friends and family are meant to offer help and support, not issue ultimatums to you, or conditions! It seems their hearts are in the right place, they are trying to discourage you from making a bad decision. But it's a bit OTT to make this kind of threat!!

I wish that I could have the old her.... but that person is gone.

Absolutely right way of looking at it dude. She has changed. Your ex is dead. This new person is not someone you want a relationship with.

Not sure what you mean by closure, or that you've asked for closure from her. The only way to get closure is to move on. Closure comes form inside yourself, not from any external source, including your ex.

Your ex will always be in the picture somehow because you have a child together. If you got back with her, what would keep her from doing the same thing over and over again? If there are no repercussions for her actions, she'll cross the line over and over again. I'm sure she'll come back at some point but if the problems that led to the breakup in the first place aren't addressed, it's a non-starter.

Think about your child here. You want them to grow up in a loving environment, free of as much conflict as possible. Again, you and your ex will always have a connection because of your child, but at this point it should end there.

As far as yourself, confidence is key when it comes to pursuing new women. However, you need to ask yourself if you're ready for that at this point. You have to be happy with yourself and the direction your life is heading before you can be happy with anyone else. You sound like a real good guy, I wish you the best. Just resist the urge to go down memory lane with your ex. The person you thought she was and the person that she truly is, are not the same. She abandoned you and your child to be SINGLE. Let her be single.....Your only discussion with her now should be over your child, that's it.

I'll tell you when your ex will come back....... After you move on. When you find happiness and show a bit of not caring what she is doing anymore she will come running back.

Sounds like you are a good dude and have your s*** together. Why would you want to waste that on this woman who dragged you through the mud and discarded you like garbage. F*** her... let her spread her STD's elsewhere my friend. You are too good for that. Take care of you child and yourself. You shouldn't have to "be there for her when her head clears" - you are not a back up plan, a doormat or a plan B. As far as your family goes, that is crazy. They need to respect you no matter what your choice. They don' have to agree with it, but they have to love you and have your back no matter what you do.

I would say that the idea your ex will come back when you are out is true.

Don't try to get her back, she's another person. I know, I'm living the same situation, my ex seems like another woman!

It's sad, but GIGS is something really stupid. It is from people who don't want to commit, because they can't stand confrontation, reality and responsability. In a sense, they're like sad little people, small people, who'll never acomplish nothing really, because they can't even face themselves.

I would say that the idea your ex will come back when you are out is true.

 

Don't try to get her back, she's another person. I know, I'm living the same situation, my ex seems like another woman!

 

It's sad, but GIGS is something really stupid. It is from people who don't want to commit, because they can't stand confrontation, reality and responsability. In a sense, they're like sad little people, small people, who'll never acomplish nothing really, because they can't even face themselves.

This statement is absolutely true and something to go by, I wouldn't cling and hope for the first part to happen mind but you have to recognise the changes and the truth is she is another person, She isn't the same person inside who deserves your love and loyalty, I won't say what she does deserve after the ordeal she's put your family through but I'm pretty sure if there's a god up there he'll see to it that she gets it.

Sooner or later she'll be forced to face herself and all the errors shes made while being in this stage in her life and believe me it's one hell of a lonely ass stage, Maybe it won't happen as quickly and swiftly as you'd hope and pray for but have faith cause it will happen, The world catches up with all of us, She did something you would never do, She traded in something as meaningful as a good love and a family and there'll be nothing else out there that can compare to that so one day she's bound to look back in regret of her actions.

In the mean time you need to focus on yourself and being a father and by the sounds of it your a great guy and a great dad and it's good that you know that about yourself, You know what you want and what matters and even if she dosen't come back who cares right? cause you matter and your child matter and you both deserve better, Hopefully one day she'll give you better but if she don't then it'll be because somebody so much better will be around the corner wanting to give you better and make sure you don't pass up a great opportunity should you be faced with one.

My ex wasn't too different to yours, Maybe not to the extent where she's slept around but she gave me the cold shoulder, called me an endless amount of names, Basically did everything in her power to let me know I meant absolutely nothing at all to her, Now that I look back at her 4 months later I realise I didn't deserve what she did to me, She threw away a great life with me and our son for something as meaningless as being single and going out every weekend, She self sabotaged our relationship hoping I'd walk out eventually so that she may not have any guilt, She always wanted more than what should of been enough for her, She truly is a terrible person these days and the her that she is now is somebody I could never love or trust again.

Your in good company my friend

lots of good food for thought in these posts, B, but what you need to remember is that first and foremost your sanity – and your child's – comes first. That means cutting out as much as possible any interaction with this woman and those close to her because they will do whatever they need to do to undermine your self-confidence so that THEY can get what they want. Her being the mother of your child makes it more complicated, yes, but you are entitled to be happy and to find someone who not only loves you but respects you for the fine person you are.

... all that crap about being too good a person that she felt compelled to be bad? Bullshxt. Her behavior has NOTHING to do with you when you've been such a supportive, nurturing husband and father – it has EVERYTHING to do with that flawed thinking of hers that she is entitled to behave however she wants without taking responsibility for it.

when it comes to the point where she decides she wants you back, you need to seriously ask yourself if this is what you really want for your life (your child will have his own relationship with her, independent of what you choose, so don't put too heavy an emphasis on what his needs "might" be).

you might look at it like this: Say you were doing everything right, living healthy, eating right, exercising, taking all precautions because you wanted a good life. But something's off and you're having symptoms you can't figure out, but because they don't seem urgent, you learn to live with them.

you go to your doctor for a six-month check-up and tell him about all of this stuff, so he runs tests just to rule out certain problems. You've done your part, and you get back to living your life. But, a week later, he calls you in for a follow-up to discuss results ... because it's never happened before, you know it's something serious. How serious, you don't know, but you're imagining all kinds of things.

doc says you've got cancer. Highly treatable, recovery rate at this point is close to 100 percent because it's in the early stages. The down side is that you'll have to go through chemo, which will be harsher than the disease itself at this point. But you know it'll make a huge difference in extending your life so you opt for treatment.

you're as sick as a dog on the days of treatment, but you understand that this is the sacrifice you make to be healthy, to be cancer-free. And it's something you hope to God that you'll never have to experience again.

NOW ... let's give your ex the role of cancer. Knowing the kind of damage she did, and knowing that you've had to go through some pretty harsh therapy to get healthy again, would you willingly invite that "cancer" back into your life when you understand that it will always have complete power of ruining your chance of a healthy, happy life?

I am a wonderful man.

 

I am a great guy... I mean great!

 

I can do everything ... you can say that I am a one in a million kind of guy.

Bro -- I don't wanna be rude but men don't talk garbage like this. Is it possible that your ex buggered off because she wanted a man who is in love with HER as opposed to a man who is clearly in love with himself?

I understand you're hurt, and I hope you heal soon. But eventually you're gonna need to work on yourself.

Great guys don't go around telling people they're great guys. They don't need to.

My main question is that has there been any positive experiences from someone who did end up happy with someone who had GIGS (other than my ex sister's husband)?

What is GIGS?

What is GIGS?

GIGS is an acronym for "Grass is Greener Syndrome." Pretty much the idea is that people suddenly, most of the time without any real signs or warning, that they wanna date other people, move on, see if the grass is greener on the other side, etc. Its supposed to happen to people in their early dating life, or people who haven't necessarily had that much experience in the dating world, aside from a handful of relationships.

GIGS is an acronym for "Grass is Greener Syndrome." Pretty much the idea is that people suddenly, most of the time without any real signs or warning, that they wanna date other people, move on, see if the grass is greener on the other side, etc. Its supposed to happen to people in their early dating life, or people who haven't necessarily had that much experience in the dating world, aside from a handful of relationships.

I see. Thanks for the clarification, Melrapuo. Usually my guesswork is good when it comes to acronyms - but I was puzzled by that one.

This statement is absolutely true and something to go by, I wouldn't cling and hope for the first part to happen mind but you have to recognise the changes and the truth is she is another person, She isn't the same person inside who deserves your love and loyalty, I won't say what she does deserve after the ordeal she's put your family through but I'm pretty sure if there's a god up there he'll see to it that she gets it.

 

Sooner or later she'll be forced to face herself and all the errors shes made while being in this stage in her life and believe me it's one hell of a lonely ass stage, Maybe it won't happen as quickly and swiftly as you'd hope and pray for but have faith cause it will happen, The world catches up with all of us, She did something you would never do, She traded in something as meaningful as a good love and a family and there'll be nothing else out there that can compare to that so one day she's bound to look back in regret of her actions.

 

In the mean time you need to focus on yourself and being a father and by the sounds of it your a great guy and a great dad and it's good that you know that about yourself, You know what you want and what matters and even if she dosen't come back who cares right? cause you matter and your child matter and you both deserve better, Hopefully one day she'll give you better but if she don't then it'll be because somebody so much better will be around the corner wanting to give you better and make sure you don't pass up a great opportunity should you be faced with one.

 

My ex wasn't too different to yours, Maybe not to the extent where she's slept around but she gave me the cold shoulder, called me an endless amount of names, Basically did everything in her power to let me know I meant absolutely nothing at all to her, Now that I look back at her 4 months later I realise I didn't deserve what she did to me, She threw away a great life with me and our son for something as meaningless as being single and going out every weekend, She self sabotaged our relationship hoping I'd walk out eventually so that she may not have any guilt, She always wanted more than what should of been enough for her, She truly is a terrible person these days and the her that she is now is somebody I could never love or trust again.

 

Your in good company my friend

I went through that too bro! It was horrible how our son had to live through it all. I have done many things to try to "recover" from that experience. I excercise, I hang out, socialize, enjoy time with my son and picked up a new recreational activity (snowboarding). Lonely nights are the hardest but hopefully I will get myself back together. I do hope you picked up different/new activities.

Also, about me stating how I am a "one of a million kind of guy" is because I know I am. I am very confident that I am a great guy and very proud that I didn't suffer through the GIGS (I have lesser experience with the opposite sex). A few years ago when our child was born MY EX told everyone (friends and family) that she was very worried that I would go through it and I was told that I would cheat on her eventually! The "evidence" was just my lack of experience with women would certainly cause me to due so. Crazy huh?

My ex at many times told me how great of a guy I was. I guess she hated me for that because she really had to grab different "straws" to justify her actions. Weird.

I don't mean to offend anyone with my self boosting words slipping into my writing but it helps me stay think positive and I do recommended that others who went through a horrible experience do the same. As I mentioned before, I do slip into short periods where I blame myself for her actions.

This site has been amazing with different opinions. Its been half a year since everything happened and my goal is to have it all put behind me by march of 2011 (a bit less than a year to recover from the relationship).

I thank you all for your warm insights and I will get through this. Because we have to exchange our son, I try to keep myself actually behind the scenes where my ex can't really see me. I believe she thinks I am depressed as well as a hermit but she would be very surprised that I am going through what I feel as a specific type of phenomenon. I forgot what it is called but its been someone comes out from bad life experience better than they originally were before they "fell in." BUT I don't want her to see that things are better for the worry that she might mess with my head and fall for any tricks.

Someone mentioned when I enter another relationship, I need to keep away from memory lane. Honestly it will be a problem just because my ex was my first and only everything. I try meditation and positive re-enforcements to help aid in this situation. Even though my ex took complete advantage of my character, I do believe there are women out there who are looking for a guy like me. Thank you everyone! (I have a "positive book." I will add these responses to it, where I turn to during the times when I slip).

What is G.I.G.S?

Click on the link in my signature to learn more!

I went through that too bro! It was horrible how our son had to live through it all. I have done many things to try to "recover" from that experience. I excercise, I hang out, socialize, enjoy time with my son and picked up a new recreational activity (snowboarding). Lonely nights are the hardest but hopefully I will get myself back together. I do hope you picked up different/new activities.

 

Also, about me stating how I am a "one of a million kind of guy" is because I know I am. I am very confident that I am a great guy and very proud that I didn't suffer through the GIGS (I have lesser experience with the opposite sex). A few years ago when our child was born MY EX told everyone (friends and family) that she was very worried that I would go through it and I was told that I would cheat on her eventually! The "evidence" was just my lack of experience with women would certainly cause me to due so. Crazy huh?

 

My ex at many times told me how great of a guy I was. I guess she hated me for that because she really had to grab different "straws" to justify her actions. Weird.

 

I don't mean to offend anyone with my self boosting words slipping into my writing but it helps me stay think positive and I do recommended that others who went through a horrible experience do the same. As I mentioned before, I do slip into short periods where I blame myself for her actions.

I felt I was hit by a train when my ex left me and acted so cold towards me, Didn't know what to do or how to act, Even looking at my son was hard sometimes as he looks pretty much every part of his mother, I spiralled out of control and lost myself in depression and the disbelief at how this could all be happening after everything we had together and had been through together.

I didn't really pick up many hobbies after she left, Just went to work like normal though I found it very hard to get up in the morning, Played a bit of football (soccer) with some friends and played some video games then by the time the weekend came I had my son who was suprisingly was my shoulder to cry on, He'd see me crying on the couch and would just give me a cuddle and a kiss so at least I know I can take something out of the time spent with her.

I feel I've felt the right just like you probably have to justify stating your a great guy and great father, I have girls telling me all the time how great I am and what a mistake she had made leaving me and after all I did for her after the relationship had ended and how truthful I was to my feelings for her, I must of had a lot of good in me to keep on trying for her even if it never quite brought her round from this green is greener syndrome.

I was my happiest with her and I never wanted or needed anything other than what I'd been given, Settled down at 23 with a future wife and a beautiful son was just a living dream for me, We should be proud we stayed loyal.

This site has been amazing with different opinions. Its been half a year since everything happened and my goal is to have it all put behind me by march of 2011 (a bit less than a year to recover from the relationship).

 

I thank you all for your warm insights and I will get through this. Because we have to exchange our son, I try to keep myself actually behind the scenes where my ex can't really see me. I believe she thinks I am depressed as well as a hermit but she would be very surprised that I am going through what I feel as a specific type of phenomenon. I forgot what it is called but its been someone comes out from bad life experience better than they originally were before they "fell in." BUT I don't want her to see that things are better for the worry that she might mess with my head and fall for any tricks.

 

Someone mentioned when I enter another relationship, I need to keep away from memory lane. Honestly it will be a problem just because my ex was my first and only everything. I try meditation and positive re-enforcements to help aid in this situation. Even though my ex took complete advantage of my character, I do believe there are women out there who are looking for a guy like me. Thank you everyone! (I have a "positive book." I will add these responses to it, where I turn to during the times when I slip).

I'm going through exactly the same thing, Feel like I went in the relationship as Peter Parker and came out as Spiderman, Had nothing but good intensions in my heart when I could of just done what most do and just sleep around and try to justify it just because she left me for no good reason what so ever.

I feel it's going to be hard moving on with somebody else as I just don't see anybody adding up to her and I'd feel guilty of trying to replace her when after losing a chance at having a family together, Nothing quite compares and though many might treat me better, I still feel I can't love them.

Anyway buddy feel free to inbox me should you ever want to talk.

Hey, SimonSerenade, I tried to message your inbox but I couldn't find it. I just wanted to ask about your story. Thanks.

How you coping?

Hope you got a few minutes to spare if you want to hear my story, It's not too different to yours aside from the sleeping around part (that must be the hardest part for you )

Basically we had a good relationship, Lasted 3 years or so, Had a child together, He's going on 2 in Febuary, At the start it was amazing, We lived together, She got pregnant, We had a great first Christmas together, Things never felt more right, Then our son Lucas was born and she turned into somebody that she wasn't, Moved out on me to her mum's, Took Lucas with her, Dumped me then treated me like a bag of asses, I was without her for around 2 months then she wanted me back so I got back with her.

Things after that were good for a while but I could tell she'd changed, Her moods without a doubt changed, She was ruthless and just turned cold on me, Looking at it now it felt like she sabotaged our relationship just for the sake of being single and having freedom like her friends did, After a year or so of being back together she ended it, Came out of possibly the smallest argument in the world.

Since the split I begged and pleaded with her, Sent her countless emails and rang her in tears many of times, Nothing made a different, Did that for around 6 weeks then I tried being her friend but she treated me like garbage, Had me doing all sorts of favours for her then one day she turns round to my mum and step dad when I was ill and cause I couldn't pick him up that one time she said "hes ****ing hopeless! geuss he dont matter anyway, the prick" :| I was so heart broken when my mum told me so I started off no contact straight away.

Since then she had contacted me twice by email and once by Skype, Nothing major, Just checking up on how I was and whatever else, I ignored her, I'd done well with no contact up until today and now it feels like I'm at day one all over again.

She text me this morning and wished me a Merry Christmas saying she'd got presents for me and to have a good day, I felt I needed to reply so I replied with "Nice one cheers, merry christmas", Her dad dropped my son off for me with the presents and I was a bit eary about it anyway, Just thought it be something small, Turned out she bought me a brand new ps3 game, Payed out full going price for it, Got me a Dad necklace and some deodrant, I was stumped, At that moment I didn't know what to say or do, Felt confused and hurt, I rang her to thank her, The conversation went pretty well but went stale very quick as we started talking about old times and things got awkward cause I knew if I opened up she'd probably most likely hate me for it in the end, She text me after the conversation and said sorry for the awkwardness and said merry christmas again.

Snapped my heart in half once again, I think what gets to me most is how she's not that vital part in my life anymore and I know I want her but I also know it won't happen, At least not now anyway.

I know I deserve better but finding somebody who can compare to her is hard as nothing and nobody does, I was her first time at everything and her first love, Hurts so much now to think there may be others in the future when I can't see that far =/

So what's your story mate?

By the way my email is [email protected] if you prefer to email or msn. Hope your okay buddy.

@SimonSerenade

I feel where you are coming from. For me I tried to just go out and spend this Xmas having my own fun. Some relatives were having a Christmas party. All was well. I did my thing taking pictures of the children and some of the festivities for relatives who weren't present. Like my own parents. I was fine until this one couple showed up.

A black man, and East Indian woman with their children. In other words... a functional working unit of the kind of family I wanted (and sort of have with S.) Not perfect at all as I detected some tension in that her family did not come to the party at all. I guess one has to be brave to make such a match into a marriage.

Right then it hit me that S lived in a town not far from the one I was at a party in. I just had to send a message. A Merry Christmas and spoke of how though we had this distance between us, we were united in spirit... No reply yet. I request her as a friend no reply yet. Knowing her past behavior she reads what I write her and simply does not reply and it drives me batty, and she knows it. To top it all off thanks to FB we both have an idea of how we spent our Christmas days. Me at at that party, and her with our son with perhaps a little visit from the recently acquired "boyfriend". (Had he given her a impressive gift she would have announced it on FB.)

It didn't get to me until the end of the party where playing a gift giving game I won a bottle of wine. I almost broke down in tears.

All this over someone who walked out of my life 6 years ago with my 1 year old child and I broke communication with 3 years ago. When I found that she shared my messages to her with others (someone hit the wrong reply button on an email.)

I know how both of you feel. I know how awful it is to have had the misfortune to fall for such a person. If I could feel what I feel for someone else I think I would have by now... lord knows I tried.

Happy New Year.

@SimonSerenade

 

I feel where you are coming from. For me I tried to just go out and spend this Xmas having my own fun. Some relatives were having a Christmas party. All was well. I did my thing taking pictures of the children and some of the festivities for relatives who weren't present. Like my own parents. I was fine until this one couple showed up.

 

A black man, and East Indian woman with their children. In other words... a functional working unit of the kind of family I wanted (and sort of have with S.) Not perfect at all as I detected some tension in that her family did not come to the party at all. I guess one has to be brave to make such a match into a marriage.

 

Right then it hit me that S lived in a town not far from the one I was at a party in. I just had to send a message. A Merry Christmas and spoke of how though we had this distance between us, we were united in spirit... No reply yet. I request her as a friend no reply yet. Knowing her past behavior she reads what I write her and simply does not reply and it drives me batty, and she knows it. To top it all off thanks to FB we both have an idea of how we spent our Christmas days. Me at at that party, and her with our son with perhaps a little visit from the recently acquired "boyfriend". (Had he given her a impressive gift she would have announced it on FB.)

 

It didn't get to me until the end of the party where playing a gift giving game I won a bottle of wine. I almost broke down in tears.

 

All this over someone who walked out of my life 6 years ago with my 1 year old child and I broke communication with 3 years ago. When I found that she shared my messages to her with others (someone hit the wrong reply button on an email.)

 

I know how both of you feel. I know how awful it is to have had the misfortune to fall for such a person. If I could feel what I feel for someone else I think I would have by now... lord knows I tried.

 

Happy New Year.

What does the ethnicities have to do with it? Was your ex indian? I am just curious?

What does the ethnicities have to do with it? Was your ex indian? I am just curious?

Pakistani. Her brother and his family who I met way back in 1999 were totally cool with the situation. Thier children even called me Uncle and their son, was named after an Egyptian goddess... as I am named after a famous American Indian heroin... in a sense their oldest son is named after me!

I never did meet her father or mother... not in all those years of active association.

The closest I came was a hangup phone call every once in a while where a older man with an indian/Pakistani accent saying "oops wrong number". The last time that happened was a few months back.. I said "dude why do you keep calling me" he said "Why do you keep calling me!" then hung up.

It's almost as if they think that someone of my black and Amerindian ancestry must be cannibalistic head shrinker's. It must bother them to no end to see how their grandchild looks now that he's older and his hair has curled as I predicted it would 6 years ago!

Yes there is allot of history there. The more I think of it, the more I view her current beau as a test. I need to get her to dump him for me ... I just need to woo her enough to give her the reason and cover to do so.

I am just asking because I am indian and my sister has children who are half african-american.

I am just asking because I am indian and my sister has children who are half african-american.

Then you should know that there are some people in your community who would strongly disapprove of such a situation. I had the bad luck of drawing a person who's social setting includes a number of people, perhaps just one parent or the other, who look down on black people in particular.

Perhaps you can give me a clue. How in the heck can such a person be won over. Perhaps now that the boy is seven, and his African features are fully expressed (he was born with totally straight hair, that has grown quite curly has he has aged and other things.) they would be willing to drop the charade?

I will be honest with you. I am totally open to Indians being with other races. So are my siblings and some of my cousins. My parents, "the older generation" and many people of the current "american born" generation are not though. It was hard to convince them to be okay. They act okay but will talk bad of the "relationship" the moment your back is turned.

I am very proud of what I am but I do consider people of my ethnic background to be very racist. I guess many people of my ethnicity believe that "we" are the supreme race and the "British empire" destroyed "our" power and "we are" destined to be great again.

Most Indian families DO NOT know what "falling" in love is. They view marriage as nothing more than a business transaction...seriously! They know love towards a child, a parent and a sibling but do not understand the concept of a man and a woman "falling" in love. If anything, "love" occurs after the "business transaction." Most Indian families are consumed with ego and statuses compared to other families in society (I am not talking about religious caste BUT is somewhat similar) so many parents are always trying to "better" or "secure" their family name by trying to climb the social ladder by marrying off their children to the man/women who can bring/secure prestige to the family.

There are many things that reinforce this system. Foremost is the astrological stuff which even though if two people are in love... it can be frowned upon because the "stars" don't match. There are religious stuff in forms of the caste system and even a physical system (tone of skin). Its all ridiculous and crazy.

When you have a Indian person go outside the "race," it can and likely will be viewed very bad. You will be talked about, viewed less in Indian society and your parents will be viewed as failures. Other than converting to another religion...nothing is worse in Indian society than marrying outside the race (or have a mix child).

Indians view black people lower then them. Its the assumption that they are unfaithful, participate in crime easily, unreasonable, uneducated and other things. I have had black friends who tried to date indian girls but they all failed (and my friends have excellent dating skills). Strange enough my sisters have all dated black guys. So its possible but my dad views himself as a failure because my sister has a half black children.

I want to make it clear that I am very proud that I am Indian but not proud in a "race" selfish way. I do believe there are Indians out there that don't mind being viewed as no better than other cultures/races. I do believe that there are Indians who don't care what other Indian families think when it comes to interracial dating, children, marriage. It will be hard to find it though..... I hope I helped.