Facebook Fail

I work with my ex (and first girlfriend) who dumped me last November. I've been struggling to move on but haven't really felt like I've been making progress. When she went full-time it was a big setback.

For the last week and a half, I managed to avoid seeing her around. That's about as good as it gets for me, and at times I could even feel a little relaxed and concentrate on other things for a change.

Then at lunch today my friend gave me some information I really didn't want to hear. A mutual friend of all of us told him my ex has moved into the city (previously she lived with her family in the neighbouring county, a short drive away).

Why did he think I'd want to hear this? Instantly my mind was in overdrive... who's she living with? With a boyfriend? Alone? House share? I'm doing everything I can to maintain NC and not snoop, then my 'friend' thinks I want to hear this!!!

And right away I had the urge to remove the block on Facebook, just to see if my hunch that she's probably in a relationship is true. It's happened before when I've accidentally heard or seen something.

I get home, the first thing I do is unblock. Pathetic. And there it is:

"In A Relationship"

The tears start flowing...

I don't know who - it really doesn't matter does it? - but I presume it could well be the guy on her team I saw her on lunch with the last time I had to bump into her at work. He's on her friends list, and to rub things in he has way similar interests to her... owning cats and metal/rock. My ex clearly tries to avoid me most of the time, but seeing this guy in the corner of my eye walking right past every so often is another little bit of torture. Even when I don't know if it is him she's going out with.

Finally confirmation that she's moved on. And even moved in with someone, I would guess. It shouldn't be any surprise, but it hurts like hell. And like so many others of you, we're still stuck with pain and torment that we can't just 'get over'. I wish I could let go of someone who stopped caring for me. What to her was a short, failed relationship, perhaps an embarrassment, to me was the most intense experience of my adult life. I've really no clue how to readjust to being remotely happy. I still feel like I'm reeling from the rejection and my self-esteem being shot to pieces by the things she said, even if they were simply the cold hard truth.

I know I was stupid to look at Facebook. But really, I can't do NC working with her, and when I'm constantly exposed to all these little clues about her life, maybe it's best to know the truth. I really don't know. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Anyway, what a great day. And it's my birthday tomorrow.

Sorry to hear that. I can imagine that shock - I had the same when the ex got back with her on/off long term boyfriend and her status changed to 'engaged'. Hit me like a ton of bricks and also made me realise I still had very strong feelings for her, and was still holding out hope (we too were working together and still in contact a lot).

Your situation is such a diffult one as you work with her, so NC is out of the question. I've said before, there's no way you're going to force this pain out so you have to ride it through but please understand that even in your situation, things still do get better.

Try your best to avoid the dreaded Facebook or even anyone who wants to tell you anything about her. I found out some stuff about my ex from a friend that I'd rather not have heard tonight and it has upset me quite a lot.

Oh and Happy Birthday - mine wasn't that good back in January for obvious reasons, but I do know that next years will be much better!

Sorry man that sucks. Stories like these is why Ill never date a co worker can't take it, and why I'll never look on fb on her profile what I don't know wont hurt me.

Stay strong man, I know it's hard

I know I was stupid to look at Facebook. But really, I can't do NC working with her, and when I'm constantly exposed to all these little clues about her life, maybe it's best to know the truth. I really don't know. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

 

Anyway, what a great day. And it's my birthday tomorrow.

Bro, I wouldn't worry about the ex dating someone new. I actually want my ex to date as many girls as he can so he'll have a basis of comparison. I'm not waiting for him to come back either and I've been dating other guys. Can't really lose either way because I know I'll be happy with or without him. In any case, even when it bothers you, just make sure she doesn't get wind of your feelings. Vent in private, throw the pity parties in silence. Try to approach the situation this way. She can't know in a different way what she's missing until she dates other guys.

You afraid she'll marry the guy and if she does, why him and not you? It does stink, but I know you're going to be happy no matter what. You will! This will pass.

Keep minding your own stuff as you have been. Any opportunity that arises which will involve getting in touch with her, do not act in a way that will let her know that her new relationship is breaking your heart. Just be cool and levelheaded. It's just a new boyfriend, do you hear me? You'll get a new girlfriend too, when you're ready and when you find another girl.

As for the Facebook thing, no amount of setting changes will strengthen your resolve to not look at the profile. While most of us wish we were born capable of constant self-control, I'm satisfied to see that you broke NC that way. You know where you stand now in her life and it's definitely not in her priority list. You have proof. There is no need to get in touch with her unless it's about work or you're really over her and are at a good place to be friends. So don't beat yourself too much about breaking NC via Facebook. I have one simple rule of thumb for my exes: I wonder about them, but I don't want to know, I don't want to know, I don't want to know. Snooping around once was all it took. I don't like feeling bad or sad and that's how I feel after looking at his profile. No thanks.

Personally, I hope my ex does settle down with the next man she gets a connection with, and that she resolves her issues (the settling down will be dependent on that). I do not want to be mixing her neurosis with mine and concocting the same psychological toxic waste again. But that's just me.

I went through all that dicking around with Facebook, and what not. Eventually I got tired of making excuses and accepted the pain, the hurt it was causing me and stopped doing that to myself. It's like learning to ride a bike, this whole disengaging from someone you entrusted with your soul malarky. We start with stabilisers (low contact) and then just two wheels (no contact), but we fall off and scuff our knees a few times (Facebook peeking, insubstantial how are you texts etc) , and then, one day, it just works. And it feels, honest to goodness, absolutely great to be free-wheeling.

I know some of my exes from years ago. They're still attractive, still fun to chat to, most have children and husbands now, and it's all cool for me. It did involve several years doing our own things for me to disengage, to separate what we had from what it is now, but it can happen. It's a weight lifted off my shoulders.

Take the long view: you'll be free-wheeling soon. Just find a way to accept, process and let go of those old feelings that no longer belong to you (they belong to the former you, the you in the past), and become your own best friend.

And do things that make you happy. For me, physical exercise is great. I do yoga, rowing and cycling. I may sound like a jock, but I'm still seriously overweight (from years of comfort eating) and look about 10 years older than I am (from comfort drinking / drugging ). I'm by far the most unhealthy looking person in yoga class, but I don't mind. I'm there to feel better, it works for me, and I'm hurting no-one.

Whatever your other interests may be, do them. Think of all those things you've been meaning to give ago, and give them a go. You have free time now. Make use of it.

I've been struggling to move on but haven't really felt like I've been making progress.

I think you'd be surprised at how much progress you have really made. Because progress is gradual and incremental, you don't notice it. At times I feel the same thing (my relationship ended in October). But then I remember how I was back in November, even back in January. I'm in a far better place than then. I am sure that you are as well, you just don't notice the gradual healing.

All those urges to look at FB, I can understand. Don't beat yourself up about doing it. The urge will get less as time goes on. You've been doing all the right things to resist the urge. You succumbed just once, never mind. I have urges to do similar stuff, and they gradually get less and less.

I know you have the issue that a lot of us don't have that makes it so much harder. You are doing amazingly well handling that, you should be proud that you can even function in that environment. There is no way that I could handle working with my ex. I am not sure I could handle even seeing him.

Anyway, what a great day. And it's my birthday tomorrow.

Happy birthday mate! I hope you can enjoy it.

I agree with Melen. You have made great progress. You will recognize it one day soon.

And, Happy Birthday!

Thanks for the replies and support.

And thanks for the birthday wishes! I'm never one to make a fuss or be bothered about it, wouldn't have mentioned it if it wasn't for the great timing of this revelation. Hope I'm in a better place this time next year.

Try your best to avoid the dreaded Facebook or even anyone who wants to tell you anything about her. I found out some stuff about my ex from a friend that I'd rather not have heard tonight and it has upset me quite a lot.

I'm sorry to hear that. Every little thing I hear has the power to torment me for the whole day it seems. In my case avoiding hearing stuff seems impossible. I'll try and stop the friend telling me stuff next time. Unfortunately I sit near mutual friends who mention my ex every so often.

In any case, even when it bothers you, just make sure she doesn't get wind of your feelings. Vent in private, throw the pity parties in silence. Try to approach the situation this way.

This is true. When I have seen her I'm glad it wasn't at one of those moments when I start getting tears in my eyes, and I've managed a friendly smile/hello, nothing more. I have no interest in engaging her in conversation, there's no way I could handle it. Inside of course it's killing me when I'm forced to break NC, especially when I passed her with the guy I suspect is her b/f.

You know where you stand now in her life and it's definitely not in her priority list. You have proof.

Just thinking of her possibly/probably living with someone so soon (4.5 months is soon from my dumpee perspective anyway) almost hurts more than the fact she's in a relationship... as we bothed lived in our parents houses we never got to the stage of moving in together. Plus it makes me feel I'm more likely to see her around in this small city

There is no need to get in touch with her unless it's about work or you're really over her and are at a good place to be friends.

Oh, don't worry, I won't be getting in touch - unless maybe years have passed and I'm in a better place - and luckily the nature of my job doesn't mean I'll ever have to speak to her on a professional basis. Like I've said before, I feel a bit pathetic given that others have to be in far more direct contact with an ex/dumper at work. What I'm experiencing feels like emotional hell, so I can't imagine how hard that must be.

I have one simple rule of thumb for my exes: I wonder about them, but I don't want to know, I don't want to know, I don't want to know. Snooping around once was all it took. I don't like feeling bad or sad and that's how I feel after looking at his profile. No thanks.

Totally agree. "I don't want to know" is absolutely the way I'd like to go. When a week or two at work went by with no contact, no gossip and no glimpses of her, then I noticed how I felt a little better.

Now I know she's in a relationship, I still feel restless just to know a little more - (a) whether it is that guy I suspect it is, or (b) someone else (in which case, I don't want any further details). Also whether she's living with him, and the area, so I don't accidentally rent or buy there if/when I move out! I really wish I could tell myself none of this matters, but knowing EVERYBODY around me at work (several mutual real life friends and a mutual FB friend) knows more than me, it just feels really weird and plays on my mind.

And do things that make you happy. For me, physical exercise is great. I do yoga, rowing and cycling. I may sound like a jock, but I'm still seriously overweight (from years of comfort eating) and look about 10 years older than I am (from comfort drinking / drugging ). I'm by far the most unhealthy looking person in yoga class, but I don't mind. I'm there to feel better, it works for me, and I'm hurting no-one.

I know this to be true. The times when I do motivate myself to exercise, I always feel way better afterwards for a while... can really feel the endorphins it produces. Unfortunately it's short lived though, and I've yet to find a way to motivate myself to do it each day. I'm sure that would help lessen the depression/anxiety.

Whatever your other interests may be, do them. Think of all those things you've been meaning to give ago, and give them a go. You have free time now. Make use of it.

That's what I'm struggling with... I know I should be getting myself out there and doing some things that would help conquer my social anxiety type fears. Or even do things more productive with my time at home, like getting back into playing guitar, writing a book or something... I think my antisocial working hours (late shift) aren't helping.

I think you'd be surprised at how much progress you have really made. Because progress is gradual and incremental, you don't notice it. At times I feel the same thing (my relationship ended in October). But then I remember how I was back in November, even back in January. I'm in a far better place than then. I am sure that you are as well, you just don't notice the gradual healing.

I think the only time I notice that I must have been making some gradual progress is at these times when I have some new trigger, some new glimpse at her moving on. I definitely hadn't been breaking down crying so much for a while as I had last night and today.

All those urges to look at FB, I can understand. Don't beat yourself up about doing it. The urge will get less as time goes on. You've been doing all the right things to resist the urge. You succumbed just once, never mind. I have urges to do similar stuff, and they gradually get less and less.

Yeah, hopefully knowing the basic fact that she's in a relationship will be enough to satisfy my latest urge to snoop. I'm going to block her again as soon as I can. I've certainly no intention of seeing any pictures (if she ever posts them, not sure she's likely to unless it develops into a long term thing) or reading any of her posts etc. Just wanted to confirm my suspicions. I'm pretty confident I'd be long past the urges to snoop if I didn't have to work with her and be exposed to all these 'clues' that my mind demands to put together. I've enjoyed the feeling of total NC when I've been lucky enough to sustain it for longer periods of time.

I know you have the issue that a lot of us don't have that makes it so much harder. You are doing amazingly well handling that, you should be proud that you can even function in that environment. There is no way that I could handle working with my ex. I am not sure I could handle even seeing him.

Thank you! I can barely function to be honest, and I'd dearly love to be free of it... but the only way will be to change job, which is easier said than done with my confidence levels, though I know it's something I should aim at anyway, as the work is dull beyond belief and frankly beneath me and a lot of the other people 'stuck' there.

Thanks all!

I just relapsed and unblocked... again.

Had a really bad day at work where I saw her (my first love of 5-6 months ago now) several times. Every day she's sitting within my eye line for part of the day at the moment. Got so upset, I can't bear to have to see her full stop, let alone see her with who I suspect is her new boyfriend. It's just mental torture going in to work and this is the worst depression of my life.

As the opening post says, I found out a month or so back she was in a relationship, and I've long suspected it's this guy in her team. But last time I snooped and unblocked, all I found was "in a relationship"... and like then, this time the suspected b/f's page still says nothing. I felt some relief when I saw that... so surely it's not him after all I thought, he's just a friend. That's what I wanted to find out - my reason for snooping - so at least I could think "oh well, at least I don't have to put up with seeing the new boyfriend as well".

But then I went and foolishly clicked on her profile pic... just the one new one, of her out in a club/bar. Didn't notice when it was small, but when I clicked on it I then spotted that guy, mostly hidden behind her, plus another guy... so it looks like it is him after all. Then on his profile one picture of him sitting in the back of a car. I went and looked up what my ex's car's rear windows look like, and they seem to match Jesus, we messed around in those very back seats

So... it certainly looks like I have the daily joy of seeing my ex PLUS her new b/f at work, sitting just out of sight nearby... I guess he's just not displaying his relationship status. I really don't know how to cope with this crap, I just want to reach a level of indifference but I feel I can't possibly move on, overcome these endless feelings of sadness, embarrassment over my perceived failings, a sense of betrayal, the inevitable jealousy and just be myself at work. I can't stop thinking this is the girl I lost my virginity to, tried so hard with to overcome a life of shyness and then allowed her turning cold and dumping me to destroy my self-esteem. All the "whys" and "what ifs" still circle through my head. And I can't believe it's 5-6 months ago, I still remember things about her like it was last week.

And I still don't have the definitive answer I thought I'd be snooping one last time for. I only ever intended on instantly scrolling down to where the relationship statuses were, but then I went and dug around more I know I shouldn't relapse like this, it's done no good really, but it was driving me crazy wondering what I'm seeing at work... and credit to work friends for not having told me who she's seeing, as I haven't asked, though I was on the verge of it today.

Heartbreak really is the most insidious thing anyone can go through.

Like I've said before, I've made those same mistakes about digging for info and never once have I liked what I found. You have to remember how bad you feel each time you do that and then force yourself not to do it again. I could quite easily find info on my ex and I know it would hurt me so much and set me back.

You're situation is already difficult enough, so why make it worse. You have a huge wound and you just continue to make it bleed. I know it's hard not to as she was such an important part of your life that's now gone. You shared so much and you still want to be a part of her, so you look for info. Like me I bet you're hoping to read that she's single or that she mentions you, anything that will make you feel good. Well, heads up, you will never ever find that. Even if she was thinking about you in any way, you won't find out about it by looking. If she was thinking that way, she'd tell you.

I really truly do know how you feel and so am hoping you will stop doing it. I have and although each day I want to know about her, I don't go searching for info. I know the outcome, as do you.

Thanks, smudge21. I know what you write is true, of course it is.

But about my reasons. Maybe it seems I'm making excuses here, but I really did not look for or want to see any mention of me, or that she's single (though no doubt that would give me some satisfaction). Saw one veiled reference to me (I believe) in the weeks after being dumped, and one was quite enough for me... that alone should tell me she's not the wonderful and perfect person I need to knock off that pedestal.

This time I had one objective that drove me to snoop - the nagging and constant curiosity I'm going through at work about whether it's this particular guy she's in a relationship with. I knew the best I could find out was that it was someone else - I wouldn't want to know who - and I guess I was hoping that was the case. I can't explain why it matters really, I know she's in a relationship regardless.

But it seems it is this guy at work, so now at least I know my assumptions are right. I'm already hurt seeing glimpses of them together anyway, since I'd put the clues I was unwittingly exposed to at work together. And the second and last time since the break-up that I had to say "hi" in passing, she was with him

It just feels really weird knowing the people I sit with know her situation, and I was on the verge of asking one of them only whether it was this guy or not. But I know I couldn't have without getting upset, hence cracking and looking on Facebook.

But, still, it was wrong.

I only planned to scroll down to the relationship statuses of both of them, find what I was looking for and then deactivate. Stupidly, as they didn't reveal the information I expected them to, I ended up clicking on her photo - which surprised me as all the time I've known her she's not had one of herself up there. She hasn't posted any photos other than silly internet stuff for a LONG time, so that took me by surprise, and looking at it was the most foolish thing I did. Can't see her wall and really wouldn't want to. I have no intention of finding anything else about her life.

Another 24 hours and I'll block them again, deactivated in the meantime. I'm resolving that will be the last time, I really don't need to know any more. I'm totally convinced that if I never had to see her at work, I would never have relapsed like this... as the times when weeks have gone by without seeing her, it's felt SO MUCH better.

Good Arms - I made the same Facebook-peeking mistake you did. A couple of months after she dumped me (my story is high up on the Second Chances forum "How patient should I be?"), I hid her from my news feed because I would always see posts about her and the new guy she was dating checking in somewhere and stuff like that. Sometimes, I think she posted something to get a reaction out of me, whether it was her insinuating that she missed me or something totally different, I believe half of what she wrote on there was directed toward me. To add salt to the wound, for some reason my phone would get an alert when she checked in anywhere, and half the time she tagged him. Ugh. I finally figured out how to turn that alert off, but it was like the Facebook God was being cruel to me on purpose.

Then about a month later, she changed her profile photo to one of her and him at a bar. I only saw it because she was tagged in one of my albums and her profile pic showed up on the right side of the page. That was a true punch to the gut. It hurt me and set me back weeks. No months. Again, the Facebook God was trying to tell me something. What was that? To remove her from my friends list. So I did. I felt MUCH better. It was a release and I didn't even care what she thought. If she isn't going to consider my feelings, why should I take her feelings into account?

Well, that was about a month before she caught that dude cheating on her and my story gets much deeper and more interesting since mid-March, including that she has since deleted her Facebook account. But I won't hijack your thread.