Spoken to MM and set a date for a decision

I understand what you mean but in some situations, & I guess I'm projecting here, the MM says, I love you, I want to be with you, I am unhappily married. So then it makes sense to say, okay, put your money where your mouth is. Less talkie talkie & more walkie walkie. Yeah it wasn't an ideal circumstance to begin with but if he is saying he's in love & wants to leave, then to me it isn't wrong to ask for you what you want which is action.

Sorry, but the sham-of-a-man that is married, lives with his w and has a family... wouldn't have the opportunity to "fall in love" with me. Can't fall in love with what you don't have. Shyte just dont "happen" for something to happen it must first start...

30 yrs? There goes the pension...

 

What baffles me, how someone intercepts another person's life and demands. Like, really?! It's as simple as not getting involved and finding someone that you don't have to demand, because you are their priority.

 

It is not that hard...

Intercepts??? If a married person chooses to have something with someone else I really don't understand where the term 'intercept' comes in.

Sorry, but the sham-of-a-man that is married, lives with his w and has a family... wouldn't have the opportunity to "fall in love" with me. Can't fall in love with what you don't have. Shyte just dont "happen" for something to happen it must first start...

I understand what you're saying with knowledge that comes from experience & hindsight. But I was once in that position & so is Arran. So it does happen. Maybe not to you, which is great, but to other people. Not excusing it, but it does, & that's what we're talking about right? The situation that Arran is in & what she is doing to get out of it?

Well you never know how a relationship will turn out until you actually have the chance to be in it. It seems to me she either wants the chance for a real relationship with him, or she wants to move on without him. I'm sure she loves him & thinks it could work & haven't seen evidence of her playing games. I don't know her backstory or anything about an ex_husband but I have seen posts from OW who are playing games & liking the drama etc. & so far I haven't seen that from Arran so I'm not sure why you are poo-pooing her & acting like her relationship is doomed from the start? I guess I'm just confused.

I don't know who Arran is and I don't know her background. What I do know is someone has given a man who's been married for 30 years an ultimatum. For a relationship that's 1 year and 4 months old. If there were more years of a relationship I would understand the need for the given deadline. If he possibly made promises to her that were broken. What I don't understand, I ask questions. Did he withhold his marriage from her? Is that the reason why. My motto is if you are a OW you know the circumstances. He is a married man. Stay in your lane or get off the road. The choice is yours. Ultimatum .... smh ... I dunno 1 year 4 months.... Lets hope she's known him for years. In a simple relationship with no nasty variables people are not even sure how long that will last. I hope she will explain her reasoning to me if she posts again. I would like to understand.

Intercepts??? If a married person chooses to have something with someone else I really don't understand where the term 'intercept' comes in.

Let me ask you, do you do what other people want you to do or you do what you want to do????

The answer in is you.

Don't give me that. I don't give a ratsasswipe what another person wants to do, it comes down to my decision. That's where "intercept" comes in. YOU (general you) place yourself in the situation. Nobody just falls off a cloud into someone else's marriage.

I guess it is just the easiest way to deviate responsibility and admit that you (general you) are also at fault.

I understand what you're saying with knowledge that comes from experience & hindsight. But I was once in that position & so is Arran. So it does happen. Maybe not to you, which is great, but to other people. Not excusing it, but it does, & that's what we're talking about right? The situation that Arran is in & what she is doing to get out of it?

What is she doing to get out? if anything she is getting in.

I understand what you're saying with knowledge that comes from experience & hindsight. But I was once in that position & so is Arran. So it does happen. Maybe not to you, which is great, but to other people. Not excusing it, but it does, & that's what we're talking about right? The situation that Arran is in & what she is doing to get out of it?

"Maybe not to me"- Yes, most centainly not to me. I wouldn't put another person through what I went through. That simple. Besides, doesn't seem like people involved in love triagles actually have a good, peaceful life. Life is what you make it... and this is not of my attraction.

Let me ask you, do you do what other people want you to do or you do what you want to do????

 

The answer in is you.

 

Don't give me that. I don't give a ratsasswipe what another person wants to do, it comes down to my decision. That's where "intercept" comes in. YOU (general you) place yourself in the situation. Nobody just falls off a cloud into someone else's marriage.

 

I guess it is just the easiest way to deviate responsibility and admit that you (general you) are also at fault.

Sorry. Obviously you found my question frustrating, but I have no better idea of why you call it an 'interception'. I've not yet heard anyone suggest they were physically forced to enter an affair. Intercept just doesn't fit at all for me. I just wanted to understand better.

I haven't known him for years, just the time frame as previously stated. I am in love with him, he is in love with me. I don't want to be an OW anymore, so hence the ultimatum, why do some, find that difficult to understand? Push has come to shove for me folks so we'll see what happens.

Thanks to all for your responses.

Arran

betya he'll stay married...

But at least she'll know where she stands.

at least I will know where I stand.

Unfortunately, I think there's a good chance that you won't know for sure.

What is your own threshold for action: what is the dividing line in his behavior that will spur you to make a decision?

As you said in your initial post, if he says he can't leave, then it's over; that makes sense, and if you really have the strength to take action and end it at that point they you're right, you will know where you stand.

But now what about the rest of the possibilities? Because it certainly won't be as simple as "Yes, I'll leave, let me get my keys and wallet and I'm out of here." If you get any kind of a yes, it's going to be "Yes, but..."

And depending on the "but..." that's exactly where you will remain unsure of where you stand, because you won't have a decision represented in action, you'll have a potential decision, stated in words.

So the only way you'll really be able to know where you stand is if your worst-case scenario happens - he won't leave - and you are strong enough to break it off, per your ultimatum.

If your best-case scenario happens - he "makes a decision" to leave - you'll remain right where you are: unsure of where you stand until some undefined later time when he actually (might) take action on that "decision."

Incidentally, there's that third possibility that I allude to above: he will beg, plead, threaten, whatever, to get you not to force him into a decision, and you acquiesce. Maybe he convinces you that it's not fair to give him such little lead time, maybe he needs to "get his ducks in a row", maybe he's going through a difficult time and he "just doesn't need this pressure right now..." Will you be ready to take that as "I won't leave" and trigger your ultimatum, or will you be willing to move the deadline? To "some time later"?

I haven't known him for years, just the time frame as previously stated. I am in love with him, he is in love with me. I don't want to be an OW anymore, so hence the ultimatum, why do some, find that difficult to understand? Push has come to shove for me folks so we'll see what happens.

 

Thanks to all for your responses.

 

Arran

When is your divorce going to be finalized? Do you want to marry him?

I haven't known him for years, just the time frame as previously stated. I am in love with him, he is in love with me. I don't want to be an OW anymore, so hence the ultimatum, why do some, find that difficult to understand? Push has come to shove for me folks so we'll see what happens.

 

Thanks to all for your responses.

 

Arran

Arran, I don't AT ALL think you're rash. Best to know, asap, what the score is. Some are happy to stay with a man who's ostensibly in a relationship with another. I wasn't. If you aren't, and you love him, you are absolutely doing the right thing.

Because other things will happen... Resentment could kick in...

Feel free to PM if you want to vent or muse. I told my guy to make choice after 6 months and he'd been married 9 years. I knew how I felt and if he didn't feel the same I needed to move on.

I asked hm to make a decision about whether he is intending to leave, or not. If he is, that will form the basis, for continuing discussion.If he doesn't, nothing else to discuss.

Arran

I told my guy to make choice after 6 months and he'd been married 9 years. I knew how I felt and if he didn't feel the same I needed to move on.

Feel free to decline, of course, but do you mind sharing? At that time you told him to make the choice, did he do something concrete, did he make a decision in words (and did he or did he not carry it out eventually) or did he negotiate for more time?

SG= Thanks and how do I Pm you? I agree with you totally and so happy life is working out for you both

Trimmer- Thanks for your advice, appreciated:)

Arran

SG= Thanks and how do I Pm you? I agree with you totally and so happy life is working out for you both

 

 

Trimmer- Thanks for your advice, appreciated:)

 

 

Arran

Hhmmm. I think you need 50 posts.... Not sure. But if you click/hover on my name you get the chance to send a PM. I tried to do that with your name and didn't have the option. So keep posting, then try again?!

Feel free to decline, of course, but do you mind sharing? At that time you told him to make the choice, did he do something concrete, did he make a decision in words (and did he or did he not carry it out eventually) or did he negotiate for more time?

Is no problem, most of it's in my posts.

I gave him a month, and in two weeks he said he wanted to make a future with me. I was going away for a month so he had chance to sort things. But didn't. So I threatened to walk, cut him out. He found somewhere to move to and we had a 'go-live' date. He went AWOL that weekend and we split up. I couldn't stay in his life, and he left me right alone because he knew it was destructive and pointless to try and be in touch with me if no bags were packed.

We got back together. Then things got harder. I refused to even see him in person until he told his wife. And he did. Some wrangling ensued (not by me).

They're now on civil terms, and discussing sale of house and divorce. She knows he moved out to be with me, and seems to be doing fairly well. They weren't a traditional couple to be honest.

I never felt manipulated. He had every intention to move the first time round, and totally bottled it. Wasn't sure enough. He's an incredibly cautious person, same house for years, same job for years, never taken a risk, never done anything random or unexpected.

So it was a huge deal for him. I understand that. Christ, we used to talk for hours and hours on end about this stuff, I knew what (he felt) he was up against to take the steps he's taken. I feel no resentment at all. When we split up, still I felt no resentment. I just wanted him to work things out with his wife, if he was going to stay. Wanted them to be happy. I didn't realise that wasn't possible, at that time.

Hhmmm. I think you need 50 posts.... Not sure. But if you click/hover on my name you get the chance to send a PM. I tried to do that with your name and didn't have the option. So keep posting, then try again?!

Also, be aware... It used to be that, once you reached the magic threshold (which a mod once vaguely described as something like "some function of number of posts and the length of your membership") you actually needed to go into your "Control Panel" and turn on PMs; in other words, once you reach the threshold to use them, they still start out turned off by default.

Don' t know if it's still that way, but check the My Profile/CP link at the upper left of the window, then under Settings and Options click on Edit Options. Scroll down to the Messaging and Notification section, and check the Enable Private Messaging checkbox. If you don't find it in the Edit Options page, I think that means you haven't reached the threshold for PM access yet.

And yes, conventional wisdom is that it's somewhere around 50 posts and a month or two of participation....

Many thanks Trimmer!

Is no problem, most of it's in my posts.

 

I gave him a month, and in two weeks he said he wanted to make a future with me. I was going away for a month so he had chance to sort things. But didn't. So I threatened to walk, cut him out. He found somewhere to move to and we had a 'go-live' date. He went AWOL that weekend and we split up. I couldn't stay in his life, and he left me right alone because he knew it was destructive and pointless to try and be in touch with me if no bags were packed.

 

We got back together. Then things got harder. I refused to even see him in person until he told his wife. And he did. Some wrangling ensued (not by me).

 

They're now on civil terms, and discussing sale of house and divorce. She knows he moved out to be with me, and seems to be doing fairly well. They weren't a traditional couple to be honest.

 

I never felt manipulated. He had every intention to move the first time round, and totally bottled it. Wasn't sure enough. He's an incredibly cautious person, same house for years, same job for years, never taken a risk, never done anything random or unexpected.

 

So it was a huge deal for him. I understand that. Christ, we used to talk for hours and hours on end about this stuff, I knew what (he felt) he was up against to take the steps he's taken. I feel no resentment at all. When we split up, still I felt no resentment. I just wanted him to work things out with his wife, if he was going to stay. Wanted them to be happy. I didn't realise that wasn't possible, at that time.

Thanks for recapping...

Arran,

Do keep us posted on what happens.

I agree with you (and others) that you did not in any way "intercept" or try to intercept this man's marriage. HE was available and interested in a relationship with you, and vice versa. One can't intercept a 30 year marriage if the MP isn't looking to be involved with someone else.

You've been together almost a year and a half - many engagements are settled in less time - so you know by now if you love him and if he loves you.

I agree with many that giving up a 30 year marriage for such a new relationship might be a stretch for your AP, but there is no reason why you shouldn't be totally honest with him that you are looking for a legitimate relationship or else you don't want to continue.

I don't think that is manipulative, or even an ultimatum really... more like a "state of the relationship" review where you tell him what you need and he tells you if he can offer it. If he can't, then you part ways.

And truthfully, it's even more fair to his W. If he intends to build a life with you from now on, why drag his W through more time?

There is a poster on here, HappyAtLast, who left his W for his OW and he's mentioned that because he loved his OW he didn't want to keep her an OW for too long. He didn't think it was fair to keep her on the side, so to speak. I really appreciated his point of view.

I myself am in the middle of trying to move my A into a legitimate relationship. My AP and I set a six-month date and we'll see what happens!

Good for you Arron Grl.

Brave move.

I am curious to hear how this plays out. Since he has decided he is leaving, are you going to follow up with a timeline, when to actually take action?

I am curious to hear how this plays out. Since he has decided he is leaving, are you going to follow up with a timeline, when to actually take action?

If you're asking this of the OP, I don't think that he has decided yet. My reading is that this is what this weekend's deadline is: decide whether you're going to leave or not.

I haven't known him for years, just the time frame as previously stated. I am in love with him, he is in love with me. I don't want to be an OW anymore, so hence the ultimatum, why do some, find that difficult to understand? Push has come to shove for me folks so we'll see what happens.

 

Thanks to all for your responses.

 

Arran

Time will tell if he is just giving you broken promises and words, or if he truly will put a plan into action and run with it, leave and divorce his wife.

though, as I think I said earlier, YOU need to follow through on your plan if he doesn't leave and divorce. If you really do NOT want to be the OW, then you need to end it with him and walk away if he doesn't leave his wife. An affair (for some they don't mind and are OK with being the OW for many many years) isn't something you want to stay in long term, even though you love him.. It's good that you know what you want, so please, do not go against what you feel (not wanting to be the OW anymore) just to keep him in your life because you love him. hope that makes sense.