Should I leave a good marriage?

Last month I ran into my ex-boyfriend and my life hasn't been the same since. We were together 3 years and had a very strong, intense emotional/spiritual connection. At the time we were too young to know how to deal with our problems and eventually broke up. I was soon wooed by another man, and even though I knew we didn't have the same connection we married a year later. We have now been married 5 years, no children. We love eachother and have a great relationship. However, my ex has never left my mind and have continuous dreams about him. We saw eachother for the first time since I've been married and it was as if no time had passed. It was not physical, I did not have an affair. But we couldn't leave eachothers sight. We talked until the sun came up - something we've done many times before - something my husband and I have never done. Since this meeting, all I can think of is how important that type of intimacy is to me. After endless weeks of analyzing my marriage, I know we will never have that. The thought of leaving is depressing, the thought of staying is depressing. I'm stuck and don't want to make a mistake.

If you want to be absolutely sure, let OM know that you want to try to give your M a shot to see if there is something there enduring that you want to hold on to. Give yourself six months where you are not in contact with the OM, and go to marriage counseling with your H. This will give you time to figure out if you are truly still in love with OM, or if you are just waxing nostalgic for something long past. You will also get a clearer idea of how you feel for your H. If, after six months of a good attempt - you still feel that 'something missing' then file for divorce, and let OM know that you are free to (re)start a life with him.

I live in a different city than OM, I was back home visiting when I saw him. So avoiding contact will not be difficult. I've also told my husband we need to see a couples therapist and he is very open to it. I know we can work on our issues and have a happy marriage. But what if we come to a happy place yet I always feel this longing for my ex? or this longing for a deeper connection? Is this just life, so deal with it? Or do I take take control of my own life and take a huge risk? I know these are questions only I can answer, but it would be so much easier if there was a manual that would just tell me what to do.

Thanks for your response. This is my first thread and it's so nice to have strangers that listen and offer advice.

But what if we come to a happy place yet I always feel this longing for my ex? or this longing for a deeper connection? Is this just life, so deal with it? Or do I take take control of my own life and take a huge risk?

Those are the questions you will want to address in counseling. You won't know the answers until you do some soul searching and unraveling of what led you to have these questions.

where you thinking about your ex when you said i do

I was 24 when I married and quite beguiled about what marriage was. I was also determined to have the perfect marriage, so I would not allow myself to think of him. During the past 5 years I have grown as an individual and also as a spouse. Like I've said, we have a terrific marriage, but since seing my ex I am uncovering so many feelings I've ignored that have quickly made its way to the top of my list. I was not thinking of him on my wedding day. But many mornings have woken from dreams of him; many moments have wished my husband knew me the way he does. I love my husband but we are very different.

I think that you want that same passion again. You probably thought that the connection has rekindled in the one day. It is possible that the the flame may die out six months down the road. You only know how he is now after one day. And obviously there was a lot to talk about after being away for this long. I suggest that you clearly think your decision and tell your husband. You owe to yourself to be honest.

I agree with Jerkalert. Believe it or not, when you are tempted by someone else, you're supposed to tell your husband.

The problems that you had with your boyfriend are going to still be there, simply because as you said, you were too young to know how to deal with them.

It is easy (and pleasant) to think about all the wonderful times you've had with someone else. Just keep in mind that (unless you were living with him) that you haven't had to pick up his dirty underwear off the floor or any other un-fun things. I have no doubt that the little chat you had with the old boyfriend seemed wonderful, because it's easy for him to be on his best behavior for a few hours.

I think that LucreziaBorgia's suggestion to seek counseling is good advice. You have said yourself that you have a good marriage.

Nothing is ever what it seems.

I'm not planning on running back to my ex. I know the problems we had would still be there, I've thought about that.........and thought about it.........and thought about it. I'm trying to be as rational as I can, but I cannot ignore what this has arisen in my marriage. I've realized that my husband and I do not have emotional chemistry, its not really "lost" because we we've never really had it. We could talk for 3 hours about politics, but not about our feelings, thoughts, fears, etc. So here is my question: What do I do if after counselling I feel we just aren't compatible in that way? Is it unreasonable, naive, or immature of me to sacrafice everything else we do have for the search of all that plus emotional chemistry?

I agree with Jerkalert. Believe it or not, when you are tempted by someone else, you're supposed to tell your husband.

I forgot to ask about that in the above response.

I've told my husband that I saw my ex, and we had a good talk. It did feel tempting but figured its hopefully something I'll get over and its something my husband would never get over.

We could talk for 3 hours about politics, but not about our feelings, thoughts, fears, etc. So here is my question: What do I do if after counselling I feel we just aren't compatible in that way?

Several people have suggested that you try counseling with your H - have you discussed all of this with him yet?

Here's what I wish had happened in my marriage. My wife realized - somewhere 3-5 years ago - that things were going off-track for her, and I wish she had sat me down and said: "I think something is wrong in our marriage and we should see a counselor to try to get back on track." Or in fairness, I wish I had recognized it at some time sooner. Either way, if one of us had been able to give the other a wake-up call when we still had feelings for each other, maybe we could have rediscovered each other - not just rediscovered our past, but also discovered something new about each other.

Instead 6 months ago, she told me we're through, she has no desire to keep trying because it's too late, and by the way, she's been attracted to this OM for the last couple years.

I can't help but empathize with your situation, and with your husband - but I already hear you asking what to do when counseling fails. You are in the situation I dearly wish I could go back to - you see and realize a problem and you have a chance to bring it to the surface, while there might still be enough desire in both of you to fix it. Give him - at the start, at least - the benefit of the doubt, and give it an honest chance to work. You may find that there's a level of emotion in him waiting to be released; you may find that he is willing to learn to share those feelings, fears, dreams that he certainly has (don't we all?) but is just not used to bringing out.

Maybe he feels like something has been missing, or that he's been keeping something bottled up - he may discover an amazing new side of himself that could be great for both of you.

If I had been given the chance to decide between (1) losing my wife, or (2) seriously exploring myself, and us together, to see if we could rekindle old flames or develop new ones and make our marriage stronger, which one do you think I would have picked in a heartbeat? I realize that I don't know anything about you or your husband, and I realize that I'm pleading here for something which I lost myself, but consider giving him a chance, while there is still some hope. Maybe he will surprise you.

And you have a choice yourself here: (1) trust him openly and honestly with your innermost feelings, or (2) break your marital trust and take those feelings and emotions outside. Which one of those will you try first? Put it this way, if you try trusting him initially, you can always go on to something else later if things just don't work out. If you start out going outside, it makes it a whole lot harder to go back to your marriage and try to mend things afterwards.

And you have a choice yourself here: (1) trust him openly and honestly with your innermost feelings, or (2) break your marital trust and take those feelings and emotions outside. Which one of those will you try first? Put it this way, if you try trusting him initially, you can always go on to something else later if things just don't work out. If you start out going outside, it makes it a whole lot harder to go back to your marriage and try to mend things afterwards.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I hope you can move on to a happier place quickly.

The above quote really makes a lot of sense. Thanks for your perspective. We have a counseling appt. on Wed. The reason why I'm already wondering what to do if that fails is because I've tried trusting him many times with my innermost feelings. He just doesn't know what to do with them. He can sympathize with my feelings, but doesn't seem capable of empathy. It has left me feeling hurt, lonely, and completely not understood by my spouse, the only person in this world I want to be understood by. This could be for a major event in my life, or just a silly thought that passes through me. I don't feel like he "gets" me.

Despite all that, I do love him and am willing to try counseling. Seperation and/or divorce is the last thing I want to put either of us through. It's never something I thought we would ever have to even think about (however, no one does, do they?) My parents are still together and I know they've had their struggles. I realize marriage is tough and sometimes you need to fight for it even if you don't feel like it.

If your wife came to you in the begining about her feelings for OM, what would you have done? Would you feel comfortable being with her knowing she was thinking of someone else? If your wife explores her feelings for OM and realizes they're not grounded, would you take her back?

You have said yourself that you have a good marriage.

 

Nothing is ever what it seems.

i don't think you intentionally put these two statements so closely together...but how interesting anyway, to read them in sequence...

Metermaid -

Thank you for your kind words. I do believe I am moving in a happier direction. My signature line below is my current mantra, and my outlook (which until recently has been generally frustrated, anguished, and uncertain) has shifted to a kind of a calm, peaceful sadness with a hint of hope, (sounds kinda like a food review, eh?) and actually, that does feel better than before, so I think I'm getting there.

I hear your points, and I empathize. (I don't mean to be riffing off what you said your husband wasn't doing, but it's just the best word to describe how I feel.) As I was writing my last diatribe, I was actually thinking to myself "What if she has really already made these honest efforts, and it just isn't sparking anything..." And in reading back over it, I think I might have been projecting a little too much of my wife onto you, and I suspect that wasn't really fair. Allow me to offer a gentle apology...

Unlike my situation, it seems like you are being honest and clear with yourself, and you seem to have a willingness and desire to try to be honest and clear about your feelings with your husband. It seems like that's an awfully good start.

Seperation and/or divorce is the last thing I want to put either of us through. It's never something I thought we would ever have to even think about (however, no one does, do they?)

Yeah, isn't that a kicker? I believe I have honestly come to accept the inevitability of our divorce (which I believe is where my recent outlook change has come from), but right up to the end, I had such faith in "us" that I couldn't imaging that divorce was even a possibility. There's a book "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" (author is Mitch Albom.) It's fiction (and not particularly religious, in spite of how it might sound), but there's a comment in there from someone who has witnessed weddings the world over, who says

When I read that, I though, yep, that's me.

If your wife came to you in the begining about her feelings for OM, what would you have done? Would you feel comfortable being with her knowing she was thinking of someone else?

Turns out it was a little more complicated. She now says she was feeling problems much earlier before OM was on the scene, and tells me that OM is not related to her decision to stop trying. So if she had been more honest and open with me "in the beginning" of feeling the problems, the OM might never have come on the scene. The problem with any possibility of my accepting her back now is this is the second affair - I did take her back after the first one (10 yrs ago) and we have since had a couple of kids and what I thought was a pretty good life, but given what's happening now I have to look back at the last 10 years with a different lens... Plus the fact that she's been pretty explicit that it's time to stop trying.

But now to your hypothetical questions (and I have to answer hypothetically, since it didn't quite happen for me this way...)

If she had come to me to discuss feelings for another man: I believe that having feelings is very different from acting on them. So I would hope that if she came to me saying "I'm having these feelings and I want to explore them and save our marriage", that would be a whole lot better than acting on them, hiding them until discovered, and then lying to minimize them.

I would NOT feel comfortable being with her if I thought she was currently thinking of someone else, but I would hope that the "exploration" process would lead to her being able to move on from those feelings, and reorient herself back to the marriage as her primary emotional focus.

If your wife explores her feelings for OM and realizes they're not grounded, would you take her back?

Sorry, heh heh, but you're going to have to be a little more specific about what "explores" means. You mean if she explores them with me and/or a counselor? Or do you mean if she goes and has a fling with OM? My feeling now is that once she takes action - makes a choice - to go share herself emotionally or physically with OM, she has crossed the line, and you're talking to a guy that this has happened to twice now, so I don't believe I would have any more patience for it. Once she crosses that line, she's told me, "You're not worth it." Some people believe in second chances, others believe they would hang it up after one time, but I don't think I have a third chance left in me...

On the other hand, as long as she stayed on "this side" of that line, and "explores" her feelings with me with the intention of working out our marriage, then I would hope to support that. I truly believe that having feelings is OK - it's your behavior that tells us what you're made of. She has told me, about both affairs "I don't know why - it just happened", and I've come to believe that a feeling of attraction to someone or the opportunity to stray "just happens", but the behavior that you exhibit in light of those opportunities and feelings is a choice that you make.

Sorry this was so long; I feel strongly about this one... At first, I though I was projecting my wife onto you, but it seems like you are capable of being honest and open about your feelings, and you've recognized it before things have become too rotten. I hope you find that your husband rises to the occasion. I truly wish you the best. Good luck.

I wouldn't act to quickly. The old saying goes the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I think that b/c you may be having some issues with your husband you may be looking for an out. I would try and work it out with your husband, and i applaud you for being honest with him!! that is a very respectable thing to do!!!

and i applaud you for being honest with him!! that is a very respectable thing to do

I sure don't feel very respectable right now, but I know what you mean. I'm trying to not make a bad situation worse.

The hardest part of feeling this way is the constant changing of feelings. Literally minute by minute. I'll feel love for my husband and hopefulness we can work through this, then a moment later I'm depressed and stuck, then a moment later think of my ex and feel such a longing for him. Is it possible to be in love with 2 men? I feel I have no contol over these feelings and it's just hovering over me and its very overwhelming. Wed. is our first counseling appt. Its useless to keep agonizing over this until then but like I said, it feels like I have no control of my own bloody thoughts right now.

Trimmer

Don't worry about projecting, you obviously have substantial insight on the subject.

I looked that book up - sounds bittersweet and worth reading. Thanks

To be honest I have not experienced what you are going through, but I can only imagine how hard it is. Do you think that what you feel for the ex is really love or maybe lust or maybe just nostalgia (sp)? I hope you can make the decession that is best for you. Do you have kids I can't remember if you said you did or didn't.

I sure don't feel very respectable right now....

 

...it feels like I have no control of my own bloody thoughts right now.

Well, it seems like you are trying to be honest with yourself and your husband about your thoughts and feelings, and you have made a choice to get control of your behavior. I think that's a pretty respectable start.

The "5 People You Meet..." book I quoted is indeed quite sweet, and not that bitter at all. A pleasant little story.

…it never changes, when the groom lifts the veil, when the bride accepts the ring, the possibilities you see in their eyes, it’s the same around the world. They truly believe their love and their marriage is going to break all the records.

I just stumbled across the LS policy on quotes, which requires a full citation, so if you'll indulge me, here it is:

Albom, Mitch. The five people you meet in heaven. New York : Hyperion, c2003.

To be honest I have not experienced what you are going through, but I can only imagine how hard it is. Do you think that what you feel for the ex is really love or maybe lust or maybe just nostalgia (sp)? I hope you can make the decession that is best for you. Do you have kids I can't remember if you said you did or didn't.

We don't have any children - which is another can of feelings and realizations I've opened. In the past year I've started to have maternal longings and know that its something I want in my life. Since going through this crisis, I am strongly aware that the thought of having and raising a child with my husband doesn't make me feel the way it should. Despite having an overall good marriage, the problems we have would really stand out in raising a child together. Its an incentive to try and work through this, or decide to leave, because I know these maternal feelings are not going to go away. I would never have a child for selfish reasons, I want a loving and solid environment with an equivalent partner to bring a child into.

Not sure if the feelings for ex are love, lust, or nostalgia. Maybe all of them? We live in different states, so there is no communication between us. All I've had is time to think about our past, so nostalgia is very strong. And because our reconnection was so lovely, emotional, and heartfelt, lust is also very strong. Love? Not sure, do we ever stop loving our first real love?

Your story was just like hearing about my own life (with a few differences). I have been with my husband for 6 years. A year ago I came back into contact with my ex who I was with for 3 years. We went our separate ways because we both wanted different things in life (I wanted to settle down, he wanted to travel). Anyhow, the same as you, my ex and I connect on a spiritual, emotional and intellectual level that I do not have with my husband. I know I think too much about my ex. We still speak once a month or so and my husband knows about this and doesn't mind us catching up for a coffee every now and again. Yes, the attraction is still there between my ex and I. I have accepted that I love them both, but in different ways. Whether I would leave my husband for my ex is a tough question. At the moment my husband and I are separated for a very different unrelated reason, but I am hoping to get over this separation and work things out. Leaving the comfort zone of stability in marriage can be really difficult and of course there is no guarantees of things working out with an ex-partner. I think working on the marriage first will put you in a better position to decide in 6-12 months time how you really feel about your marriage. One thing I have come to realise is how nice it is to have fond feelings and a sense of happiness about a previous partner. So many relationships seems to end in bitterness and resentment. It is nice to look back and say "Hey, things didn't work out, but there is still a love between us" I think it is a good feeling. Maybe it is not right to feel this way when you are married, but at the end of the day we are all humans with feelings and some of us have the capacity to open our hearts to more than one person. I hope it goes well for you at counselling.

It's okay to leave a man with whom you don't feel complete especially since you don't have children. That decision shouldn't have anything to do with your ex-BF. If you think you need a more fulfilling relationship with someone, you can still start all over again. Even if the ex doesn't marry you, you can find Mr. Right.

If you would regret divorcing him in case the ex doesn't take you back then you are not divorcing for the right reasons. I don't see how counseling will make you intellectually compatible when you never had this kind of connection.

In my opinion, you should concentrate on whether to stay married first. If you want to stay married to your husband for the rest of your life then forget other men. However, if he doesn't realy make you happy, as it sounds, you will think of finmding your soul mate later. It could be your ex or someone else. the truth is, you don't know if your ex wants to be with you again. But that shouldn't influence your decision. Moreover you broke up with your ex for some reasons; they might cause a break-up again.

So, its been a few weeks since I've responded to my thread.

We've been going to counseling; I've bared a lot of my disenchantment with my husband and marriage in the sessions. My husband has been pretty good about it. He's started seeing an individual therapist to work on his emotional availability issues, has been trying all the exercises the therapist recommends, and for most of the time it seems we'll work through this.

Please tell me what you think this means - When we're together, I feel connected with him; its comfortable, easy, and familiar. We enjoy eachothers company, we laugh together. Not 100% yet, but I feel better after counseling. As soon as I'm away from him, my mind changes and I think of being alone, or of my ex, or just feel lonely and depressed. Then when we return from work and spend the evening together, my warm feelings for our relationship return.

Whats going on? Do I want this or not? I feel so ambivelent, so confused. I do not want to become too familiar with feelings of ambivilency and end up stuck for years. any thoughts?