Did it over the Phone

Life sux sometimes. What you said is exactly what's been going through my head. She's thinking "He said he loved me but then he did that".

I've considered sending her an email to explain how I feel and to point out what it was that caused me to snap like that.

I've been sticking to my guns: no contact whatsoever. But I do love her. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I mostly think if you love each other then you can screw up and not have to do everything perfectly and still be together. Short of lying, abusing, betraying.

I want her to understand, and, if she's interested, to work on what needs to be worked on. She obviously doesn't understand what this was about. So I'm sure she feels hurt and thinks I don't love her.

I honestly don't know what the right answer is, I wish I did. I've been on her side a few times (all within the past year actually) and on your side once. I can say that I don't know that I would believe it if I heard an apology for the poor treatment. You know things don't work out sometimes and most people can accept that but what's hard to swallow is the poor treatment during a breakup. It's painful enough without the harshness of the other person. There's a reason I've only been on your side once. It was my college boyfriend and I just walked away from him. He was devastated and every time I ran into him it hurt me to see how much I hurt him. I'll never make that mistake again. So I don't know if you should contact her or not...I guess it depends on what you're expecting the outcome to be and if you can handle the worst.

It's kind of sounding to me like you want to get back together with her because you're sad and lonely but that's just not enough. It ended for a reason right?

I don't really think my anger was poor treatment. I think it was a human response to the things I was hearing about myself and what it meant for a relationship I cared a lot about. There was a lot of frustration to be expressed (again) in the last minutes we had to talk.

I don't feel I owe an apology, because I didn't abuse her. I didn't manipulate her. I just got pissed and cut it all off.

I don't want to get back together because I feel lonely and sad. I don't really feel lonely at all. I am sad, but this is a sad event for me. I don't want to get back together just to have what we had. I want to get back together because she loves me and I love her and because we each take the right amount of responsibility for what happened to the relationship.

I dream of her coming to me and telling me she's been thinking and she's ready to own up to the idea that her insecurities and false suspicions were keeping us apart. But I know at this point it's just a dream. She may not really understand me. She may have images of what I must be doing running through her head and driving her farther away from me. Maybe I need to tell her what I'm up to and what I'm standing for just to plant the seeds in the back of her mind, in case she really does love me. In case she suddenly becomes rational and objective about me.

Maybe I should just let her go and move on. This could all just be my heart talking. I just can't let all of what I cared so much about go without looking back.

Johan - clear some messages out of your mailbox so I can send one!

Hello all. I'm having a hard day. I think losing her has thrown my life out of balance.

I've written the following for her to read, because I think I need to be straight with her. But I'm not sure whether it makes sense to send it. It's pathetic to think I need advice on something so simple as an email, but here it is...

___

Subject: Hi.

I'm just emailing to say hi. Just so you know that I think of you. I hope things are going well for you.

I wanted to clarify something. I broke up with you because you told me you didn't love me and you wanted to marry and have a family with someone, but you couldn't say it was me. That told me that you were going to leave me at some point, when you met that guy. I didn't want to be there to see you do that and take away my dreams for a life for us together. How could I watch my girl fall for someone else?

In over three years of time with you, I never was interested in anyone else. I know you thought that I was, but it was never close to true. I only wanted us to be closer and have a life together.

I just thought I should let you know in case you thought something else was going on.

Say hi to ____ for me. I hope she is doing well. I think of her all the time as well.

___

It's entirely possible that she'll discount everything nice I said and swear that I'm a creep. And it could be that she's began dating someone, although it has only been five weeks, and that seems soon. Although if she wanted to soothe herself that way, she'd have no problem finding someone. She could be angry with me. She might respond and tell me to never contact her again. She could think that she's was abandoned to the wolves and all trust for me that she had deep down has been erased. I don't know that analyzing her is going to buy me much, because even when we were close, she was pretty much a mystery to me.

But I know she had love for me in her heart. I know that I reacted to her fear and distrust out of fear and anger. I miss her, but I don't want to go back to what we had. I wish things could be different. Something about fall, you know.

I think I need to let her know that, in spite of the way I left it, the door is open. I don't want her to be afraid to try, if she thinks she can.

Hey J - what's your real purpose in writing to her? Do you really want to get back together? Are you prepared for a very negative reaction? What if she only has horrible things to say, do you really want to hear that?

It's not pathetic to ask for advice on an email. We all do things when our emotions are involved that we kinda wish we hadn't when the fog clears. I say sit on it for a few days and see how you feel about sending it then.

thought this might help...everyone elses advice to me was helpful...i had the same thoughts a month ago... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t70076/

Hugs to you J. You need afew...

What reaction are you looking to get by sending that email? Just so you can feel better knowing she read it? My fear for you is, what happens if she doesn't write back. You put the effort in, put energy out there...Are you OK with her not replying back to it? That could cause your heart to hurt more...

It's an honest email, you definately say alot in there. I just hope you get some closure or some answers that you seem to want from her.

Try to get some sleep tonight.

Hey, if you're up for the laugh, I think Ashley Simpson is hosting SNL tonight! Again..Let's see if she actually can sing this time eh.

Ha, ha. I'm actually watching My Name I Earl right now. Cool guy, that Earl. And Jaime Pressly (even though her character is disgusting) and that Catalina girl are much more entertaining for me than Ashley Simpson, even if she ends up singing like the Three Tenors. Which might be worth tuning in for.

OK, here are the possibilities:

1) She responds with some kind of desperate "I don't want to be alone anymore" false love. Well, I don't want to rush into things with her. I want to see evidence of something real before I put my heart into it again. Of course, I'd probably rush right back, but I don't want to.

2) She responds with "I HATE YOU. STAY THE **** AWAY FROM ME AND MY DAUGHTER FOREVER!!" Well, then I'd know she's not indifferent. And I'd know she's truly psycho and I'd be able to snip the thread to my heart.

3) She doesn't respond at all. Well then I know she's hurting enough to be rude and deliberately ignore my sincere feelings. And then I'll just have to let it incubate and figure I did my best. I could move on.

4) She responds without feeling and tells me she's seeing someone else. Then I'll know she really didn't love me, and it'll hurt, but it's better to know than to wonder. So I'll feel like crap and that will be that.

5) She responds with anger and throws someone new in my face. Then I'll know she's rebounding and it won't last. And I'll know she is just doing it to spite me. That could hurt, but hey. I should know right?

6) She responds with accusations and shows that she thinks I'm just lying to get her back. Psycho. This is the most likely one. Should remind me of what this was all about to start with.

7) She responds with real sadness and shows that she doesn't understand what has happened, but she's wounded and heart-broken. Well then I'll just die. How could I forgive myself for being so cruel? If she was really vindictive she could fake it.

What do you think?

PS: The email remains unsent.

Wow, holy s***, you're mind is alot like mine...I thought of basically what you put down...Only I didn't want to put it down! ... weird...

Well, hope for the best, expect the worst.

Personally? I don't think she'll be pissed off, or rude. Or throwing another man in your face. That's just cruel. I think she may ask you not to contact her for a while - which will mean, don't contact me again...And later in the future she may contact you if she feels like it. Don't hold your breath.

OK, I could be completely wrong here, but hey, YOU aren't cruel! Don't beat up on yourself. She TOLD you basically that she didn't want to marry you. You are inlove with her and she wasn't with you. She did love you, just not enough to make a life together...And that hurts bad. So, with that in mind, don't make the drama inside your head, trust me, you'll drive yourself nuts and make it worse for you.

If by chance she freaks out on you, just say sorry and move on. You don't want to deal with an emotional woman, with anger still in her.

I just finished watching my Leafs lose to the French B's....Though Boston just beat Pitts. in OT! I do plan on watching Ashley later on, for fun and I do like SNL.

Update.

Over the weekend she contacted a friend of mine. She asked him to ask me to bring her bicycle (still in my garage, because I forgot about it) to HIS house, then she would make arrangements to pick it up from him. His house is 35 minutes away. HER house is 5. So I left her a message saying I would drop it off at her house. I happened to be online with him. Right after I left the message she jumped online with him, too. Here's an excerpt. It's kind of long but it's amusing:

Friend to ME I guess just that she told me she didn't want you coming anywhere near her. She would be really mad if you tried

ME to Friend Why would she be so mad??

Friend to ME She said you would prob try it

ME to Friend What's the problem?

Friend to ME I really dunno. I'm just the message giver

ME to Friend Is she going to shoot me?

Friend to ME She asked if u were dating anyone. The usual curious stuff like b4 I said u weren't seeing anyone. I said we wnet out to pool on Sats. I said u still had feelings for her

ME to Friend Did she tell you she was dating?

Friend to ME Yeah, like b4. But she said it wasn't anyone special. Some guy with a young daughter. You know him?

ME to Friend John.

Friend to ME Might be. I can't rem if she mentioned his name.

ME to Friend She's known him for a long time. They always scheduled their classes together.

Friend to ME Must be him. She mentioned they did school together

ME to Friend How could she say it wasn't anyone special? Why would she say that about him?

Friend to ME Have no idea. She said she goes out alot. Clubbing with that other girl friend and also movies and eating with John so she seems to go out with her girl friend more

ME to Friend Why would it upset her so much if I dropped off her bike? What would be so bad about that? She always said she didn't want to be enemies.

Friend to ME I dunno really. She doesn't want to see you. She was very explicit But it's up to you

Friend to ME hey - she just came on IM U see her?

ME to Friend No. She deleted me.

Friend to Me She's prob going to aks if I spoke 2 u toady bout bike. what u want me to say?

ME to Friend Tell her the truth.

Friend to Me ? Including that u asked if u could drop it off persoanlly? Should I test the water 4 u? let me know

ME to Friend I didn't ask. I told you I would.

Friend to Me OK

ME to Friend Tell her everything you know. I'm not driving 40 miles to drop off a bike when I can get it done in 5 miles and leave you out of the middle.

Friend to ME No worries. I don't want to cause any problems

Friend to ME She says she's not home so you can't drop it off

ME to Friend She still online? Did she get my email?

Friend to ME yes, she mentioned an meail from u

Friend to ME She said not to bother at all about the bike if u can't do what she asked

Friend to ME She says: Well, then tell him please do NOT bother to bring it at all then. FRIEND says: OK. I will tell him. SHE says: He is NOT allowed in my heiborhood!!! SHE says: Thanks for telling him, anyway.

ME to Friend Tell her to unblock me and stop acting like a highschool girl. If she needs to talk she doesn't have to do it through you.

Friend to ME tell me about it

Friend to ME 8-)

ME to Friend I'm not allowed in her neighborhood?? What the hell is that about ?

Friend to ME No idea. She's banned u!

Friend to ME Can she do that?

ME to Friend I guess.

Friend to ME SHE says: Tell him that he is an big Indian Giver

Friend to ME have no idea what she's saying

ME to Friend What???

ME to Friend Indian Giver????

Friend to ME no idea

Friend to ME Just passing it along

ME to Friend She's so damn cute I can't stand it.

Friend to ME SHE says: I am not at home tonight and tommorrow I am in class until very late.

ME to Friend Tell her I'll come over real late tomorrow.

Friend to ME She'll be back in ur arms

ME to Friend You mean that?

Friend to ME I think so

Friend to ME Why would she be so up on u

Friend to ME ?

Friend to ME maybe not

Friend to ME I have no idea

Friend to ME She's adamant she doesn't want you going over

Friend to ME but it's ur choice

Friend to ME that's my opion, not hers

Friend to ME SHE says: I repeate it that he is NOT allowed to be in Highland Ranch ever.

ME to Friend I'm banned from the entire city??

Friend to ME I guess u are. Hey it's your life

Friend to ME SHE says: Like I said, he is deleted from my IM, my heart and mind. And I never going to see this jerk again.

Friend to ME sorry to show u

Friend to ME but that what she said exactly

ME to Friend That kind of hurts.

ME to Friend She knows I'm not a jerk though.

Friend to ME She's just venting

Friend to ME She says she rather give up the bike than have to deal with u

Friend to ME She's just apoligizing to me, so she's calmed down now..i think maybe just cathing her breath!

ME to Friend Sorry to have you in the middle.

Friend to ME She says she's not home

Friend to ME U think that true?

ME to Friend Don't know. She's online. Where could she be if not home?

Friend to ME no idea. But seems straNGE 2 ME I would think she's home

ME to Friend She got online right after I left her a message saying I'd be bringing the bike by.

Friend to ME She doesn't want u knowing that I guess

Friend to ME I guess she wanterd to see what u said 2 me

Friend to ME SHE says: Actually, I am surprise that he would not bring my bike to you instead. I am not going to keep it at my house anyway. I wanted to ride a bike last weekend. I will keep it at my friend house.

Friend to ME U think she just wants an excuse to piss u off?

ME to Friend She's a mystery to me.

Friend to ME SHE says: Is he going to bring it to my friend house instead?

Friend to ME SHe wants 2 know if u would take it her firneds house?

ME to Friend Ask her where?

Friend to ME But she prefer u take it to me

Friend to ME she doesn't want u meeting any of her friends

So that's where we are. It's more funny than anything else. Of course, I'll die old and alone. But I'll go ahead and laugh about it now.

Johan:

Your story is eerie. Sounds sort of like what happened to me. My boyfriend was the love of my life. He wanted to marry me. I just didn't have my s**t together. He broke up with me over the phone. I'm so devistated. I'd do anything to go back in time and change things about myself because he was the love of my life. If you care to read my story, please do:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t72685/

In the meantime I'm taking strides in improving myself. I would do anything to get him back, but I'm sticking to the NC to give him time and space. I've asked so many people here on what I should do. Since you are in a similar position as my boyfriend, what would you recommend I do? I'm just interested in your opinion.

We shared such a deep love for one another. I know he snapped at me out of frustration and stress. He just couldn't take it anymore. He did contact me once and mentioned I could call. I haven't for 4 weeks....

You won't die old and alone. You'll find a sane woman, marry, and live happily ever after. But first you have to forget about this one.

you have just helped me in my relationship... so thankyou for that even though its only been a 4 month relationship...its helped.

i reallized that it is her issue that she cannot commit, NOT mine and im in the same boat as Johan. i keep calling it off and asking for her back, only to notice the sweetness of her but now i realize i have to look at the reasons why we broke up in the first place and think ... its not worth it to hit the reset button again.

Johan, i feel your pain mate, you'll get over it... but don't let someone elses baggage drag you down. find a girl that wants what you want.

peace

So that's where we are. It's more funny than anything else. Of course, I'll die old and alone. But I'll go ahead and laugh about it now.

Oh that's not true and you know it

As I've said before, our situations are different and we were dealing with different people. One of the reasons your posts struck me in the past was because your explanations of your own situation gave me some insight into why my ex put me through such a bad breakup when it didn't need to be that way. (I think I have told you that before)

My honest opinion, I wish it were different. She is serious about not wanting to see you, speak to you, or have anything else to do with you. You left a lasting impression the way you treated her when you broke up, you have admitted this yourself. It was her last experience with you...she's not going to forget it so easily. I say let her be and go about your life. Let her get over it and maybe you can be friends again one day. I'm sorry J, I wish I had something different to say...and it's just my opinion, I've been known to be wrong

Stevestunts, I appreciate the response, but you appeared to be responding to Thinkalot. And Thinkalot had no post to respond to. So I'm confused.

Nikita, I went and checked out your post. It was SO long, I didn't have time to read it all. From what I could gather, he dumped you for different reasons. Something to do with you finding a job, him hating his, wanting to move, your age, biological clocks, etc. I didn't catch it all. Assuming it was your inability to commit or some high level insecurities or distrust that caused him to finally lose his patience, I don't know what to say. If you're willing to put your heart into figuring out your issues, then maybe it's worth trying again. If you're going back to the same old thing, I'd say let him live his life in peace. When I have more time, I'll try to get you a better response. In your post, of course.

JS17, I had the impression that her passionate rejection of me when I wasn't really trying to do anything was "extra" emotion. I kept thinking she was trying to get to me. Hurt me. She might have been serious about the not seeing me part. Who knows. I'm not trying anything anyway. In my fantasies she comes to me with all her heart and willing to do anything to put us back on the right track. Suuuure!

Outcast, if you were here I'd hug you. Just for being you. Nice to see there are some steady people in the world.

And by the way I don't have a good record with this "get married and live happily ever after" theory of yours. Have you studied statistics?

I do have a very mild case of jealousy over this guy she's seeing. He was, of course, hovering around for a year before she and I broke up. I'll be happy to see him go down in a raging ball of flames. And I'll give the little pile of ash that's left over a good kick. He'll get what he asked for, and more. If she were to get it together I'd think she'd want to be with me. If she settles for him, then she won't have any motivation to change.

It's just mild jealousy, really. I haven't been highly upset about much lately. Just hoping and wishing mostly. I've met some decent girls I could date if I was in the mood. I have a crush on the girl in the cafeteria at the office. She has a kind of shy coolness and great hair. I'm nice to her, but I don't try anything. Again: not really in the mood.

ya i was thanking thinkalot... sorry about that mate but she really has some sound advice on how to put yourself in perspective.

the relationship i had was much like you own, only shorter and for good reason. i found myself constantly fighting and getting upset only cus time was moving on and it seemed that the relationship was standing still.

don't feel guity for anything cus in reality it is her sh*t that she has to get together not yours. think of why you broke it off, i broke it off 5 times in 3-4 months and it was only the last time that i realized that it was for the better.

believe im hurting too and i can only imagine how hard it is for you being with her for so long... but move on mate, you deserve a diamond not a diamond in the rough. for real

peace

sorry, her post is on page 1 here.

read it

I wrote her an email to wish her and her daughter happy holidays. I told her about what's going on with me. I told her I understood how she felt about me from the last time we spoke (angry as hell). I told her I still love her and still care a lot. And that I hope for the best for her.

Among other things in her response, she said that she loved me more than anyone before and I was the best guy she'd ever been with. She used past tense, but I know that kind of feeling doesn't just vanish. I know she was honest, because she didn't have any reason to lie.

I was always completely straight with her about my feelings, and she knows it. And I was straight with her in my email. I love her, and I miss her like hell.

Maybe I was the best so far. But I wasn't so great that she'd do what it takes to be with me. I wasn't so great that she'd look for ways she could make things better so we could stay together.

Some dumb girl at work said I should make the moves to get her back, if that's what I want. She said I was risking losing her forever, because she's not the type to chase a guy. Maybe she's right, but I spent over three years doing all I could to make things right and comfortable for her so she'd be ready to take the next step. I spent that long chasing her. Have things suddenly changed, and now I can go wimpering back to let her know that what I broke up for is not that important anymore? And if she were to show up and want me back, how would I know that taking her back wouldn't just be signing up for the same thing again? Half a relationship isn't enough, especially when she constantly has one foot out the door, just in case I turn out to be a creep.

I don't know what the right response to her email should be. None seems to make the most sense right now. I could detail my position and lay out the terms of being with me. Not really an "if you want to come back" email. More like an "in case you forgot or misunderstood, here's why we are where we are" email.

The whole point of writing it would be to give her the bread crumbs to find her way back. But I know a woman in love doesn't need that kind of assistance. I made my position clear before, so she should know. I made it clear that I still care about her. We both know if she were to come back, I'd go the extra mile like I always did. I don't think I have anything to prove to her. So I guess I won't write the email.

Maybe I'll write another sometime, just to check in.

But she and I belong together. At least that's what I thought. We don't belong together if she doesn't also think so. And that's enough to keep me away.