Poll: Do you really want to know?!

yes, I'd really want to know but do be careful for all the reasons lilly used.

Thank you all for sharing your opinions and stories. What I get here that it would be good to tell but I have to be careful about how I tell. Am I right?

Like I said, he said he wanted to do things right. I will give him that chance. Yes, I have my doubts, but that's my problem. BUT, if he comes onto me once more, I will talk to his W.

I was a BS and although I knew something was wrong, I had to snoop to find out. Then I wished someone had told me. Once it was public knowledge, a few of my acquaintances told me they suspected but didn't want to say for fear they were wrong.

 

I don't know what I would have done if the OW had told me. I may have accused her of lying unless she gave me tangible proof (love emails, love letters, pictures). I really wanted to believe my spouse wouldn't stoop as low as he did.

Thank you all for sharing your opinions and stories. What I get here that it would be good to tell but I have to be careful about how I tell. Am I right?

Like I said, he said he wanted to do things right. I will give him that chance. Yes, I have my doubts, but that's my problem. BUT, if he comes onto me once more, I will talk to his W.

 

Hey, MOI, I just thought of something I wanted to add. If you decide to tell, you can decide of course whether or not to identify yourself, but you should definitely be aware that if you do, the W will want to either be in contact with you again (probably repeatedly, because there will always be more and more questions that her H won't answer, or will lie about) or might also try to track you down given any clues - to know who you are, compare herself with you, what you offered her husband that she couldn't, perhaps decide whether you're believable, etc. etc. you can imagine. I know it sounds stalkerish, but once you find out how deeply you've been lied to, the thirst for information - ANY information - is almost overpowering. And you're offering it, where the H is not.

 

So, if you want to just drop off the bottom-line message and then fade away without any further contact, I'd advise you to keep it anonymous.

good point!

So, do you really, really want to know?

I would really, really like to know. I've never been the BS and I wouldn't want to be. The sooner I'd find out the sooner I would make arrangements for my future. I would definitely feel better if I never find out and continue to live a happy life, but yes, I am pro-truth. I think I have a right to know the truth about my life.

 

I mean, the mistress tells her friend about my husband cheating on me, my husband brags around to his quasi-friends and they all know the truth about me - that I am a BS... all but me!

 

If your So is with you only for your money, but you live a happy life with him forever, would you rather know and ditch him on time or would you rather not know?

I vote yes, absolutely I'd want to know.

 

As far as anonymous vs. identifying yourself, I'm not sure where I come down on that one. I'm male, and I don't get the sense that either of my wife's 2 OM's were the sensitive types who really would have cared about my knowing the truth or about my delicate psyche... I don't have an answer for that one, except that I would have preferred to have heard it directly from her.

 

Along those lines, another approach would be to tell him: "You wanna do the right thing? Then you tell her in the next 5 days, or I will, at a time of my choosing any time after noon on April 23." or maybe "I'm callinig your wife some time after April 23rd, but I'm giving you until then to do the right thing and tell her yourself first." or something like that. It's pretty much blackmail, but heck, we're already talking about affairs and deceit both outside and within his marriage - you'd be slapping him down to make him do the right thing, and not to benefit for yourself, but for his wife. Although if he's the murdering type, your case could well end up on next season of 'Law and Order'... I'm not sure myself - what do you guys think of this approach? Too evil?

 

Unless I missed it, so far, virtually no one on here has said, as a BS, "I'd rather not know," have they? Seems like the votes are in on the primary question...

 

And I agree with serial muse and StrivingToSucceed about statments like "deep down the BS always knows" and "the signs were there". Signs are often there, yes, but they are interpreted in real time, in the context of the hugely complex relationship that is marriage - possibly one already under stress. After D-Day, it's easy to go back and revise that interpretation in retrospect (and doesn't every BS torture him/herself with hours and hours of this pleasant exercise??? Show of hands?) but to say "deep down they knew," ack, I'm starting to foam at the mouth... I believe a BS shares responsibility for what happens within a marriage, but these kinds of statements subtly shift responsibility for the affair, which happens outside the marriage, to the BS, and that responsibility lies 100% with the WS.

"You wanna do the right thing? Then you tell her in the next 5 days, or I will, at a time of my choosing any time after noon on April 23."

 

I don't like this.

virtually no one on here has said, as a BS, "I'd rather not know," have they? Seems like the votes are in on the primary question...

 

We said we would like to know, but no one said we're pro her telling the wife or forcing him to tell her and no one said they themselves would tell her. I would never tell the wife if I slept with a MM nor would I tell any other BS.

"You wanna do the right thing? Then you tell her in the next 5 days, or I will, at a time of my choosing any time after noon on April 23."

I don't like this.

Yeah, even though I proposed it, I'm not sure I like it myself... BUT -

We said we would like to know, but no one said we're pro her telling the wife or forcing him to tell her and no one said they themselves would tell her.

... then who's left? I think if you ask all the people who have said "yes, I'd want to know" who they would most want to be the deliverer of this bad news, wouldn't everybody say that they would want to hear it from the WS?

 

But if he's likely to keep it a secret, and we're telling MOI that the BS would definitely want to know about it, what other course are we leaving her? She's asked the question specifically in the context of being the OW, with the WS probably not telling the BS, and effectively asking us for guidance within this scenario. I admit, no one else suggested the idea of forcing his hand (should I be embarassed at having suggested that? ) but leaving that aside, I think I heard differently than you did in terms of whether she herself should tell:

 

lilly36 : Given that you were lied to and no longer have ties to the H- maybe you should tell her.

 

catgirl1927 : If you want to get involved, sack up and get involved.

 

StrivingToSucceed : If the OW . . . were to come to me and talk to me then I would listen to her.

 

serial muse : ...if she wants to tell out of simple human decency, then I can't see how that isn't someone's place.

 

Its-all-me : YES!!!!! As long as it is the truth TELL ME!

Trimmer's suggestion, while harsh, is definitely a guy's point of view. Hit the problem dead on ... which is why there is also a glass ceiling in the workplace. Ah, but that is a different subject entirely. BTW - I don't like this idea either.

 

My H is the one who told me and I am the one that approached OW after. Very civil conversation, uncomfortable yes, but civil. So, I have to say that if my H wouldn't tell me, then the only other one that could (unless family/close friends know about it) would be the OW.

 

If OW is really doing it for the right reasons, then I think the W would eventually allow it to sink in. Of course she wouldn't like it, of course she can blame the OW ... but don't all BS blame the OP initially anyway? The hurt and betrayal cuts deep and usually the reaction is there to strike out at the people who did it.

 

I think the whole scenario itself will depend on its players. You can have a crazy W that really goes beserk, or you can have a crazy OW, or a crazy H. W may never believe OW, W may not even care (but I doubt that, even if she isn't IN love w/ H it is still a betrayal). But, if all are sane for the most part, then eventually it will all work out ... you just won't know which way it will go.

 

No matter what though, you can't predict people's reactions and need to be prepared for the worst case scenario. We're dealing with emotions and extreme hurt for all involved ... if you tread lightly you will get through it.

 

Trust your intuition on this one, MOI.

... then who's left? I think if you ask all the people who have said "yes, I'd want to know" who they would most want to be the deliverer of this bad news, wouldn't everybody say that they would want to hear it from the WS?

I would like to be aware, but I wouldn't want to be on the other side and deliver the bad news. I find it it's none of my business. I would tell my mom, sister or best friend, but not a woman I don't really know or associate with.

I would like to be aware, but I wouldn't want to be on the other side and deliver the bad news. I find it it's none of my business. I would tell my mom, sister or best friend, but not a woman I don't really know or associate with.

 

RP - since I know you are not, nor have you been an OW, are you talking from a friend’s point-of-view that if you knew, you wouldn’t be the one to tell b/c it isn’t your business.

 

Or, are you thinking that IF you were the OW, you don’t think it would be any of your business to tell? At which point if this is the case, I would argue that since you, as the OW, would be involved with her H, it would be your business. Maybe not necessarily your position to tell the W, but if the H wouldn’t do it, who would?

MOI,

 

Just playing devil's advocate but why do you feel the need to tell the wife. If he calls you again, just threatening to tell her would surely be enough to see him off. You say you have no vindictive feelings towards either of them (although god knows why you would have vindictive feelings towards her at all is a mystery) so why bother?

 

Why the sudden interest in the wife's welfare when you had no interest in it when sleeping with her husband?

Why the sudden interest in the wife's welfare when you had no interest in it when sleeping with her husband?

 

good point, but i think it's irrelevant.

 

it doesn't matter to me what the motive of the teller is, whether it's vindicitive or not. it is in the best interests of the BS to know their partner is cheating, even if the motive for telling them is questionable. as long as the EVIDENCE is not questionable.

 

i would 100 per cent want to be told my partner was cheating and i would have too few qualms to stop me informing someone else about their straying partner, if i had proof.

 

revealing the truth is never the wrong decision when the stakes are this high, IMO, even when it hurts like hell to hear it.

In MOI's case, I think she has pointed out in other posts that she didn't know he was married/attached/etc. until AFTER they were already involved. Basically, he lied to her.

MOI,

 

Just playing devil's advocate but why do you feel the need to tell the wife. If he calls you again, just threatening to tell her would surely be enough to see him off. You say you have no vindictive feelings towards either of them (although god knows why you would have vindictive feelings towards her at all is a mystery) so why bother?

 

Why the sudden interest in the wife's welfare when you had no interest in it when sleeping with her husband?

Because I didn't know he was married and because I have seen much pain after the first time when I knew. I want to offer the W to live her life the way she wants. If she wants to stay with cheating husband, that's her problem.

RP - since I know you are not, nor have you been an OW, are you talking from a friend’s point-of-view that if you knew, you wouldn’t be the one to tell b/c it isn’t your business.

 

Or, are you thinking that IF you were the OW, you don’t think it would be any of your business to tell? At which point if this is the case, I would argue that since you, as the OW, would be involved with her H, it would be your business. Maybe not necessarily your position to tell the W, but if the H wouldn’t do it, who would?

SS, I am tired of the moralistic preaching on LS, the dos and don'ts, the striving to make other people perfect as if the posters here are perfect. I just can't imagine myself telling some wife that her husband cheated on her. I had a friend (not a very close one, but we would talk about our lives); her BF of 8 years cheated on her multiple times and finally left her for some wealthy girl that he cheated on her with. He was bragging about his trophies in front of me.

 

She asked me after they broke up whether he has cheated on her and I told her: "If he did, he's never told me anything about it." They were already broken up, but even if they were together or married or she were pregnant, I couldn't get myself to spill it out.

 

It's easy to come on LS and say "You gotta do the right thing!" but imagine yourself telling your friend such a thing. Could you?

 

I think the motives of the OW who tell the wives are never altruistic - they are always selfish, such as revenge, jealousy or a broken heart.

 

You want to do a good deed? Go give money for charity or help your disabled neighbor and feel good about it!

it doesn't matter to me what the motive of the teller is, whether it's vindicitive or not. it is in the best interests of the BS to know their partner is cheating,

What if the wife cheated on him too, treated him like sh*t, and never had sex with him? How can you judge people without knowing them?

 

I know a person whose wife doesn't sleep with him and has cheated on him more than once. He never cheated on her in more than 20 years of marriage, but he claims that if he finds the right OW, he would.

 

So someone should tell his wife as if he's the bad guy and she's the victim?

SS, I am tired of the moralistic preaching on LS, the dos and don'ts, the striving to make other people perfect as if the posters here are perfect. I just can't imagine myself telling some wife that her husband cheated on her. I had a friend (not a very close one, but we would talk about our lives); her BF of 8 years cheated on her multiple times and finally left her for some wealthy girl that he cheated on her with. He was bragging about his trophies in front of me.

 

She asked me after they broke up whether he has cheated on her and I told her: "If he did, he's never told me anything about it." They were already broken up, but even if they were together or married or she were pregnant, I couldn't get myself to spill it out.

 

It's easy to come on LS and say "You gotta do the right thing!" but imagine yourself telling your friend such a thing. Could you?

 

I think the motives of the OW who tell the wives are never altruistic - they are always selfish, such as revenge, jealousy or a broken heart.

 

You want to do a good deed? Go give money for charity or help your disabled neighbor and feel good about it!

 

RP, I don't think it's about being perfect. The original question was, would BS's want to know, and many have come on here and said yes. Whether the OP has the courage to tell is up to her. As I said before, I'm not sure that I think the motive matters. It wouldn't have mattered to me. I would have wanted to know, one way or the other.

 

Of course she's not obligated to tell, but if that's her inclination and she wants to know whether the news would be welcome, then there's the answer. I don't agree that it isn't any of her business - of course it's her business, she was one side of the love triangle. But she's a free agent and what she wants to do is up to her. For my part, I'm saying that as a former BS, I would indeed have been grateful (a funny word, but in a way true) if someone had given me a freaking tipoff.

 

In the case of your friend, you weren't obligated to tell either, and I can imagine how difficult that would have been. I don't know what I would have done in your position (although I do know I probably would have told the guy to stop bragging in front of me). Who knows, though - it's hard to know what you'd really do until it actually happens.

[/b]So, do you really, really want to know? [/b]

 

Would you believe a random woman/man if she/he called and said your H/W was cheating on you with her/him?

 

I am trying to decide. I say telling is none of my business, on the other hand I hear "I wish someone had told me" all the time.

 

 

Hi MOI,

 

In answer to your questions....

 

I am a BS and yes, I would really like to know.

 

No, I didn't already know and wasn't living in denial. When I found out and looked back things made less sense than they ever did before.

 

So yes, MOI, I REALLY REALLY want to know

 

Whether I would believe my H was having an affair if told by a random person would largely depend on the information I received. If the facts could be proven and were sufficiently detailed even a fool like me couldn't dismiss it without further investigation.

 

Being one of those BWs who never doubted her H's honesty the revelation would be a shock and hard to comprehend but finding out by myself wasn't exactly easy either!

 

Even if the details weren't incriminating enough to eliminate any doubt, I would definitely start to check things out closely. I never thought to check up on my H, he'd never given me reason to, but when I finally did it was relatively easy to work things out. I wish I had checked 10 years earlier!

 

If you tell his wife it would, IMO, be an act of kindness as it is unlikely to benefit you personally. It is likely to cause you some grief, emotion, energy, time and discomfort. As someone mentioned earlier, BWs think of an awful lot of questions so be prepared to answer them.

 

I disagree that you should do this anonymously although I don't think you should identify yourself more than giving her your Christian name. set up a new email account so that she can contact you if she so wishes.

 

What your MM does next is irrelevant, informing his wife should not be dependent on what he is saying to you. Telling his wife is purely intended to benefit her in some way. Yes it will cause her great pain but going by the replies on this thread, the majority of us would prefer to know the truth about our spouses, no matter how unpleasant it is to hear.

 

I would want to be told no matter who it was who told me, I'd just want to be told.

 

Good luck MOI, I hope it goes well whatever you decide.

 

Veronese

Serial Muse, I agree with you about the BS' side; I would DEFINITELY like to know and wouldn't care who would deliver the bad news to me. But I don't think any OW tells the wife because it's better for the wife to know so it creates a lot of drama for both the OW and BS.

 

The OW was fine with the MM cheating on the wife when she was involved and now she suddenly wants to tattle tale the bad guy as if she has nothing to do with it. It just smells like revenge too much.

RP -

 

The OW was fine with the MM cheating on the wife when she was involved and now she suddenly wants to tattle tale the bad guy as if she has nothing to do with it.

 

Go back and read carefully posts #1, #5, #9 and especially #12 here from My_Other_I. Are you saying that you don't believe her assertion that she didn't know? Here on LS anyone could come on and lie, but the best we can do is comment on a situation as presented and ask for clarification as needed, and as she has presented her situation, she didn't know he was married, was lied to about it even after specifically asking multiple times (see post #12) and ultimately found out the truth for herself. Call me a dupe, but it sounds like she entered into this relationship honorably, and after finding out she was lied to, is now struggling to find her balance and figure out what to do, whether it is nothing, or whether it is telling the wife. I suppose we could pin her down and ask her to specifically explain whether she continued the relationship beyond the point where she found out he was married, but I don't want to seem moralistic, do I?

 

To me, "moralistic" is when you force unwanted advice and judgment from the outside. I don't see that happening here. She is struggling inside with her own moral sense, and presented herself here specifically to ask for advice from the community. In doing so, she started a wide-ranging and interesting discussion, with lots of possibilities presented. I heard a lot of "This is what I'd want in that situation", or "how about this...", and some heartfelt personal experiences from the perspective of the BS (which she asked for), but I didn't hear a lot of preaching along the lines of "this is what you have to do; you have to do what I believe is the right thing."

 

Sure, you can make up counterexamples where things are all twisted and different, and you're right, we can't really and truly know each other here. MOI could be an antisocial 14-year old boy logging into LS from his mom's computer while she's at work. But given this person and this situation, as presented - and that's all we can go on - MOI doesn't sound like the classic OW who knew and didn't care about the wife until it was time to stir up some drama and take revenge. She has specifically stated that she is struggling with exactly these issues in deciding what to do, and her struggle seems to be out of sensitivity to the wife. And, in fact, you said it yourself:

 

I would DEFINITELY like to know and wouldn't care who would deliver the bad news to me.

 

That answers her question, and on that point, you and I agree.

good point, but i think it's irrelevant.

 

it doesn't matter to me what the motive of the teller is, whether it's vindicitive or not. it is in the best interests of the BS to know their partner is cheating, even if the motive for telling them is questionable. as long as the EVIDENCE is not questionable.

 

i would 100 per cent want to be told my partner was cheating and i would have too few qualms to stop me informing someone else about their straying partner, if i had proof.

 

revealing the truth is never the wrong decision when the stakes are this high, IMO, even when it hurts like hell to hear it.

 

Also a good point - and I agree. I wish someone had told me. But there is also the angle that other people might NOT want to know. We can assume that everyone is the same as us.

Fact #1: I never said she should not tell the wife!

 

Fact #2: I said I would want to know. But then I'm thinking if my husband did cheat on me in the past, I'd rather not now, cuz I'm very happy now and know he loves me and believe he never cheated on me. Would you like to ruin my happiness to tell me that he screwed some woman last year?

 

Fact #3: I said the OW tells the wife because she is hurt, not to help the wife. You never know how much you will help someone by telling them such bad news.

 

fact #4: I did start a relationship with a MM 11 years ago; at first he didn't tell me he was married then I found out from other people and he lied they were separated. When I found out he lied about that, I ditched him immediately. I was really hot for him, but it was only a couple weeks of dating.

 

The interesting part is HOW I found out he was married. I wanted to know if he "omitted" to tell me something like that so I asked the people I would meet when walking my dog if they knew him (he was a veterinarian in our area). They told me "Yes, I know him, he treats my dog. Yes, he's married."

 

Don't you f*cking ask someone on the first date "Are you married?!" Or do you just assume that he's not cuz MM don't hit on single women? Don't you want to go to his place and meet his friends/kids? Don't you call him at home and expect from him to speak freely to you at any time of the day and night?

 

Weren't there signs like e.g. the MM I dated would have sex with me in his car and wouldn't want to bring me in his apartment?

 

When I met my husband through internet and then in person, he was spending all his time with me online. He'd spent every evening talking to me until he would go to sleep. He introduced me to his family right away on the web cam. Don't you think I'd be suspicious about his marital status had he been always busy and felt he was hiding some small things from me?

But then I'm thinking if my husband did cheat on me in the past, I'd rather not now, cuz I'm very happy now and know he loves me and believe he never cheated on me. Would you like to ruin my happiness to tell me that he screwed some woman last year?

 

I would want to know this if my husband cheated on me last year. It would tell me what kind of person he is. You also may be very happy (not knowing) but to me that is living in happiness in a fantasy world. I would rather know reality and if that reality involves getting my heart broken then so be it. Because by him "acting" as though he loves me while screwing another woman behind my back is worse than if I were to just be on my own to find an honest and faithful man.