How happy are you???????

Yes, yes, and yes. I had been unhappy my whole life until I married my husband 7 months ago. Of course, while we dated for a year and a half, I was happy because of our love and hope that we'd be together some day, which became true.

 

In order to be happy, yes, you have to achieve your goals. I have a few more goals that I want to achieve. My next goals are to be a good wife and mother, finish more songs, pursue my musical career, and succeed in the music industry. I want to make new friends in the US also and travel to various destinations. I want to get my private pilot's license. I want to learn to play guitar. I want to help my children excel at school.

 

I have a feeling that I can make it all. Once you achieve one goal, you feel the strength to go on and on and "conquer the world."

 

Thank you RP!

 

God forbid no, but how do you think you would feel if you were unable to get married to the guy you love, and something along the same lines happens couple more times, you fail in the music industry and forced to choose some other career path, not be in a position to travel, screw up in the pilot license test... etc..... Would you still find it meaningful to make plans or want things?

Thank you RP!

 

God forbid no, but how do you think you would feel if you were unable to get married to the guy you love, and something along the same lines happens couple more times, you fail in the music industry and forced to choose some other career path, not be in a position to travel, screw up in the pilot license test... etc..... Would you still find it meaningful to make plans or want things?

I can't fail unless I let myself fail. If I screw up, I'll correct my mistakes. If I decide to fail, I will change my goals. I'll choose something else. It's important to give your best in everything you do. When you give your maximum, you can't fail. It's when you lose faith that you fail.

 

I am only afraid of things that I can't control - illness, disasters, death. Everything else is in my power and depends only on me. There are no limits in trying to reach your goals. And sometimes a failure in one area will open a new door for you, a better one. When my marriage failed, I didn't know that it was the beginning of my new life - a great one. I only saw it as a personal failure.

 

If you can't make something work, perhaps it's time to give up and try something else. Not everyone can be a fashion designer or a singer or a model or a Bill Gates. Life will show you the paths you shouldn't choose.

I can't fail unless I let myself fail.

 

When you give your maximum, you can't fail. It's when you lose faith that you fail.

 

Sorry but I have to disagree. In my opinion even if you do your very best your success is dependent on so many external factors that are not within your control.

 

What if the guy you are married to now had changed his mind and decided to call off the wedding??? Would you still feel that you can't fail???? This is a perfect example where the success of your goal clearly depended not just on you but also on your guy.

What if the guy you are married to now had changed his mind and decided to call off the wedding??? Would you still feel that you can't fail????

He did call off the wedding! Twice! I thought of ways to make him marry me and I succeeded. I wanted to give him a few months to make up his mind. It took him a couple days after I dumped him. If he decided to not marry me, I would have known that he was not the one for me. I would have continued to look further. It would have been painful, but life is full of pain. You have to swim or you will drown.

 

It's not important to have this particular person or occupation in your life. It's important to be content with yourself. If it's not this, it will be that. You have to have the energy to make things work, and which thing you'll pick will depend on your abilities and preferences. Sometimes it takes strength to give up and let go. Then you free a lot of space for new ideas and possibilities.

 

School is not the only way to go in order to be in a certain occupation. If you're really good, but for some reason others were not able to see it, sooner or later, you will prove your qualities. Success happens as a result of a lot of stamina; and stamina measures with how many big obstacles you have overcome on your way to success. Nothing in life comes easy. Nothing that's good...

Hi,

 

Yes, I did marry the same guy...Yes, I love him to death, and YES, it was too early. But I had no choice. He had visa issues and we hadto get married quickly. I dont regret that because if we had waited, my parents would have made sure we broke up. WIthin 6 months of being married, me, an intelligent law student tried to kill myself. Not because of my husband...But because my parents made my life hell and i couldnt take it anymore...

 

I am having a very hard time getting over my past...And how do you get "over your past" when its not over?? When you know the same crap will just happen again...I am trying to learn to deal with it better.

 

But amongst all the years of crap, I feel like I lost myself somewhere...In order to find myself again, I feel like I cannot be "here". I want to move far away from my parents... at least for a few years. Thats all it would take and I feel like I could be happy... I would feel so free. I always DO feel free when I am far away. Like I can breathe.

 

But my husband is more "practical" than that... He is 32. He wants to buy a house, make the right investments, etc etc. I havent reached that point of wanting those things because I feel like I havent even lived my youth.... So we are buying a place now...He already feels like we pushed it too long. I should be happy but I feel like its another thing that ties me down to this place. My husband just got a big promotion at work....He got promoted to maanagement and that was his goal..I am happy for him, but that also means we are staying here for a while...And he gets annoyed at my unhappiness saying I am just messing us up holding the "moving away" thing over my head...I cant help it... Are investments and money everything?? He told me we can move in about two years..Great. By then, I will probably have a kid be about 30 and not feel young anymore anyways...I want to ENJOY MY YOUTH!

 

Anyways, I have to ask you, what is holding you back from living?? I am not single. I cant just do whatever I want. YOU ARE! Your parents arent strict. They dont even live near you right? So then why are you stopping yourself? You can travel etc. And you are not OLD. 30 is by no means OLD (especially for a guy in Indian standards!). Yeah its not 21, but you are still young!

 

On a side note, I just started a painting class to get that creative side of me back..I hope it helps...

Noclobber, if you are determined to believe that external factors control you, they will. If you refuse to allow the world to have that power, you can change how you feel.

 

You are not listening to what people are telling you.

 

Dr. Phil says that people want X or Y thing because of how they think they'll feel when they get X or Y thing. It's NOT the case. Someone else said that you would probably still be unhappy if you'd gone to Stanford and NASA and I concur - because you'd look hard to find other reasons to be unhappy; someone would have the better wife, home, wage, or project than you.

 

You have to change your approach. But you won't until you stop whining that the big ole world has done you wrong. It has done a lot of people far worse but they REFUSE to look only at what they don't have. They treasure what they have.

 

I promise you that if you found out tomorrow that you were going to die in two days, you'd suddenly realize just how good your life is - you are healthy and have work and food - but if you only turn your eyes to the gaps in your life, you will never ever ever ever ever ever run out of gaps.

 

I could list the things I don't have for probably three books' worth of paper. What's the point. I have things that count - my life, my health, food, shelter.

That's gold!

Noclobber, if you are determined to believe that external factors control you, they will.

 

You are not listening to what people are telling you.

 

I am only trying to understand why some people are getting the things they want so effortlessly while I have to go thru sh*t to get anywhere near. Its almost like good things are handed to them on a plate while I have to struggle and yet may or may not get it.

 

I am not whining, I am trying to understand.

 

Is luck truly the almighty factor? To me it definitely looks like it is.

 

Most of the time I am just so angry at myself for the mistakes I committed in the past. The negative effects are haunting me and not a single day goes by without me feeling intense regret and guilt. I can probably move on putting the past behind me but the damages have been done and I am reminded of it every day when I see my ugly face in the mirror.

Hi again,

 

What regrets do you have from the past? Did you want to pursue a different career etc?? I can tell you again..YOu are single. You are YOUNG (30 is NOTTTT OLD!) You live in CA. THere is nothing you cannot do. It does not sound like you have any real "responsibility" yet either. You arent married. You dont have kids. You dont own a home...What stops you?? Whatever your regrets are, it is not too late for you. When I was in law school, most of the people who started with me were like 32 or 33, and ranged to like 55! So just explain what your regrets are and what is holding you back?? Parents? Family pressure??

And why do you say when you see your "ugly face" in the mirror?? Did anything happen which really damaged your self esteem?

And why do you say when you see your "ugly face" in the mirror?? Did anything happen which really damaged your self esteem?

 

Yes I am ugly now....

 

I used to be very good looking but I did some mistakes.... and ........................................................................

.........................................................................

........................................................................

 

can i PM you?

Sure. PM me.

Its almost like good things are handed to them on a plate while I have to struggle and yet may or may not get it.

 

Again, this is your perception. You don't know how many of them were abused when they were children. Some of them have diseases you don't know about. Some have big trouble in their family. They look fine - the few minutes you spend looking at them - but to think that 'most' or even 'many' people have it great and you're hard done by is simply believing a lie. There's no human you can look at that has not got one problem. None. So you believe things that are untrue ('everybody but me is happy') and then beat yourself up with those things. Not good.

I am only trying to understand why some people are getting the things they want so effortlessly while I have to go thru sh*t to get anywhere near. Its almost like good things are handed to them on a plate while I have to struggle and yet may or may not get it.

 

I am not whining, I am trying to understand.

 

Is luck truly the almighty factor? To me it definitely looks like it is.

 

Most of the time I am just so angry at myself for the mistakes I committed in the past. The negative effects are haunting me and not a single day goes by without me feeling intense regret and guilt. I can probably move on putting the past behind me but the damages have been done and I am reminded of it every day when I see my ugly face in the mirror.

 

It takes effort to change who you are and how you view the world. Takes a lot of damn effort. If nothing is in your control, then you've given it away. No one took it from you. You have every single choice in your life in the palm of your hands. You refuse to believe it.

 

You asked: "How do you think your life will be if your basic needs are not satisfied?? Like you don't have a proper place to live, don't make enough money and can't afford to eat everyday, no family or relationship to love you, no sex, can't go to a movie or some other form of entertainment...."

 

Know what? I've been there. And I didn't die! Right now, the homeless shelter feeds those people better than I eat. I haven't eaten in two days. I got a roof over my head right now. But who knows when that'll be yanked out from under me. I've lived in my car, on park benches, and slept in ditches. I've eaten tuna straight from the can for weeks on end because i couldnt' afford anything else. I've worked my entire life to watch others piss it away. I've been denied promotions because, and I quote..."the minimum pay rate for the position was to big a jump from the position I was in". Not that I wasn't qulified, not that I wasn't already performing the job, not because I didn't earn it. But unjust rules.

Repetitively told I was stupid and would never amount to anything. I've broken my back and I'll never enjoy the hobbies and interests I used to love with all my heart. It causes me constant pain every single day of my life.

 

I want to quit so bad right now I can taste it. I want the whole f***ing world to die. I wish I'd never had the upraising that instilled in me the fact that I'm an ugly waste of flesh. I wish my dad hadn't beaten me when I was a kid. I wish I didn't have to work 20 f***ing times harder than the average person just to have the exact same thing. I get pissed off about it, I want to give up too, I want it easier. It isn't going to happen. So unless I like being pissed off, then I better get my ass in gear and work harder and longer then the other f*** who has it all handed to him.

 

Which by the way. YOU are that other person who had it all handed to him. That's what I see. You get a great education, a great job, you live in a great city. You never have to see your parents or talk to them if you don't want to. You aren't at their beck and call 24/7. You have a comfortable life, with plenty of money. And even though you might want sex from your "friend", you at least HAVE a friend. Someone who wants to spend time with you, talk to you. I don't have that. I don't have anything. I don't own anything but a car with a bad transmission. I have $114 dollars in the bank and I have no income coming in. The marine corps refuses to pay me for the money they ordered me to spend. Every week my bf threatens to kick me out, yet tells me if I get a job we're over. Every week I wonder if this will be the week I move into the homeless shelter. Every week everyone tells me they want more from me, and I have NOTHING left to give!!! I'm worn out. I'm exhausted. I want to quit.

 

I want the f*** out of my life because it f***ing sucks, and then I get on here and read how horrible and disgusting your life is because you weren't given more?!?!?!?!?! What the hell do you want? What????? Do you think there's some kind of holy grail out there that will "poof" make you happy? That if you only had that new tv, or the new girl, or the new job... that suddenly everything inside your head is going to click and you'll experience nirvana??? Wake up call. IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY!!! You're searching for happiness everywhere but inside you. You aren't starving, you have a roof over your head, you have income that affords you vacations and anything else your little heart desires. You finally get all that, and you still aren't happy. You want more, and you want it handed to you. But you refuse to see that no one can give you that, but you.

 

Noclobber... I love you, you're a great guy with a lot to offer the world... But damn, you need a kick in the ass. Or something to break you out of this self induced pity party you are stuck in. If you're depressed, get help. There's no shame in it. There's shame in not seeking help. You have health insurance. Go see a doctor. Taking some medication so that you can break free from the depression will allow you to see your life fully, not from the bottom of the barrel looking up. You aren't speaking from a rational view point. You can't see the world through clear eyes because of the guilt and depression. I'll support you in anything you decide, but not if you refuse to help yourself. If I could make you happy by snapping my fingers, I would. I'd do it in an instance. But you have to decide to change. Even though I want to help... I can't if you don't want it. Get it? It's a choice. It's your choice. Not luck, not fate. Your choice. If you refuse to get the help you need, then you've chosen to stay in the mentality you currently have. Luck didn't play a part in that. YOU did. Please go see a doctor.

I can't fail unless I let myself fail. If I screw up, I'll correct my mistakes. If I decide to fail, I will change my goals.

 

This is very true about achieving goals. Thomas Edison tried 10,000 differernt types of materials when he was working on the lightbulb. When asked if he were discouraged he said: "No, I just found out 10,000 different ways NOT to make a lightbulb".

I am only trying to understand why some people are getting the things they want so effortlessly while I have to go thru sh*t to get anywhere near. Its almost like good things are handed to them on a plate while I have to struggle and yet may or may not get it.

 

I can relate to that feeling. Like I'm very jealous of the kids that go to my school and have "loans" from their parents. Every week they've got a new outfit and they're constantly going out and partying. Things I can't do because 1. I'm working and 2. that money is going towards school.

 

But I find it helps to stop comparing my life to theirs. And if I do get really bummed about things then I try to see what they do differently. Like I used to work with this one guy...and he just seemed super lucky. But it turns out the main difference between me and him was that he wasn't afraid to ask people things.

Interesting conversation. Sorry you didn't decide to stand up for what YOU wanted, confused. We tried to tell ya.

 

Sooner or later, you've got to decide TO BE who you are or not to be so you can please everyone else. It's never too late to decide to be and be willing to suffer the shunning that will come with it.

 

But it takes an inner strength to go against your family, your culture, your friends.

 

For me that strength comes from a belief system (Christianity) that doesn't see everything as eternally fixed with an inescapable fate. That's part of the difference between the eastern and western mindset according to my Indian friends who had to walk away from everything they could have had (schooling, riches, powerful jobs in India) to become Christians and move to US. But the joy they have found in being able to choose to live the life they feel they were created to live with all their natural gifts has been worth everything they "lost."

 

At the end, we have to decide who/what determines our life. Is it us? Others? Cultural beliefs? Or something deeper that runs through all of the above.

 

And then we gotta go with it or be miserable and make everyone else around us miserable with all our whining.

Personally I think if you don't have to struggle to attain your goals you don't value them as much. The struggling is what enriches you as a human being. It gives you compassion and inner strength when you have to overcome obstacles and challenges. It makes you a better person. I would not give up the challenges in my life for anything. If everything came easily, what a world it would be. Full of shallow people with an attitude of entitlement!

NC, I tried to respond to your PM but it says your box is full. You need to empty your box before I can respond.

Becoming, I KNOW you all tried to tell me...And I freaked and didnt listen. And now I regret it. But I TRYING To move on.... I have told my husband what I want in the future. And as stupid and selfish as it sounds, if I dont get it in two years, I may just LEAVE on my own.. (I doubt I willl hav ethe guts for that since I love my husband too much....) But right now, I have to give it time and I am trying through therapy etc.

I am only trying to understand why some people are getting the things they want so effortlessly while I have to go thru sh*t to get anywhere near. Its almost like good things are handed to them on a plate while I have to struggle and yet may or may not get it.

 

Think of this:

 

If you and someone else who has had everything handed to them on a silver platter where both faced with having to find a way to survive your crisis who do you think would survive easier?

 

Generally speaking:

YOU would. Because of your struggles you have survival skills and you can do it on your own. You won't owe anyone anything. You have your pride you can survive the hardship

 

The other person who has lived out of a silver platter will run with their head cut off looking for someone to take care of them. They don't have a clue how to survive certain types of hardships.

 

Whereas, you do.. Struggles are lessons for life.. Be glad you have them.

 

Stop dwelling on what you don't have...

 

Look at what you do have.

 

Simplicity is the sweetest thing in life.

 

Constantly yearning for what you dont have is caused by selfishness.

Selfishness is a never ending, destructive thing. It can destroy you.

 

Be thankful for what you have.

 

My gf that passed away this week..--She was a big lady. She had very manly features. her voice was very hoarse and rough. She was a very stubborn, strong woman. She wasn't a beauty queen and she wasn't really feminine. YET, she found love. Her husband was 30+ years younger then she was. He also is over weight, not handsome by society's standards, he was a bit of a slob, has major learning disabilities-is a little slow and I believe has mild mental retardation.

Yet, they found each other. They seen past the surface of one another and seen who they were as persons.

I've never seen such love between two people.

 

Society would have looked at them as the most unlikely to find love of a partner.

 

Don't condemn yourself because of how you look.

Don't condemn yourself because you struggle

Don't condemn yourself because you haven't been given a 'break' in life.

 

you have more because you struggle. You will see what I mean if you allow yourself to look past your self grief.

 

We all have struggles, we all have days when we need to be lifted up.

I know I do. I don't always think possitive. I need that kick in the butt to stop my self piety.

 

If you can't lift yourself out of this despair then you really need to go talk to a councelor. You need to find yourself and your self worth..

Think of this:

 

If you and someone else who has had everything handed to them on a silver platter where both faced with having to find a way to survive your crisis who do you think would survive easier?

 

Generally speaking:

YOU would. Because of your struggles you have survival skills and you can do it on your own. You won't owe anyone anything. You have your pride you can survive the hardship

 

The other person who has lived out of a silver platter will run with their head cut off looking for someone to take care of them. They don't have a clue how to survive certain types of hardships.

 

Whereas, you do.. Struggles are lessons for life.. Be glad you have them.

 

Stop dwelling on what you don't have...

 

Look at what you do have.

 

Simplicity is the sweetest thing in life.

 

Constantly yearning for what you dont have is caused by selfishness.

Selfishness is a never ending, destructive thing. It can destroy you.

 

Be thankful for what you have.

 

My gf that passed away this week..--She was a big lady. She had very manly features. her voice was very hoarse and rough. She was a very stubborn, strong woman. She wasn't a beauty queen and she wasn't really feminine. YET, she found love. Her husband was 30+ years younger then she was. He also is over weight, not handsome by society's standards, he was a bit of a slob, has major learning disabilities-is a little slow and I believe has mild mental retardation.

Yet, they found each other. They seen past the surface of one another and seen who they were as persons.

I've never seen such love between two people.

 

Society would have looked at them as the most unlikely to find love of a partner.

 

Don't condemn yourself because of how you look.

Don't condemn yourself because you struggle

Don't condemn yourself because you haven't been given a 'break' in life.

 

you have more because you struggle. You will see what I mean if you allow yourself to look past your self grief.

 

We all have struggles, we all have days when we need to be lifted up.

I know I do. I don't always think possitive. I need that kick in the butt to stop my self piety.

 

If you can't lift yourself out of this despair then you really need to go talk to a councelor. You need to find yourself and your self worth..

 

This is an excellent post.

 

One thing that people need to keep in mind is that no matter how difficult your lives are there are always people who have it worse. Be grateful for what you do have and count your blessings.

Pada--have you ever considered songwriting?

 

Confused--I meant no judgment. Just sorrow that you didn't act out of what some part of you knew you needed to do with courage instead of falling back into fear. DON'T buy a house with H if that's not what you want to do.

 

Personally, I'm as screwed up as the rest of the zoo here. And therapy is helping me. Not as quickly as I'd like, but I'm much better than this time last year.

 

Find a good therapist, though, NC. This is a good time to think through all these issues so you can go on to experience more happiness in your life. You may have to quit a few therapists before you find one whose approach you feel comfortable with, who'll let you unfold the work that needs to be done instead of trying to stuff you into their pre-fab box of interpretations. Ask others who know you and whose judgment you trust for recommendations. Preferably someone with cross-cultural experience.

Pada--have you ever considered songwriting?

 

:confused: :confused:

Never thought of that.

I just write.

I write a lot.

I journal a lot.

 

I suppose if its song material, the day I die, someone will make a lot of money off my words.

 

Or steal them from the internet.

Here's what make me think of it. These sound like the makings of a great song:

 

Life is a lesson in itself.

Be grateful if you haven't suffered the worst.

Be grateful if you have because you learned more then most.

 

Either way you win.

Either way you lose.

 

Everything is equal in the end.

 

I need to be lifted up at times.

I need to be coddled at times.

I need to be left alone at times.

I need to suffer at times.

I need to be saved at times.

 

Fabulous! I'd add a good swift kick in the pants to the last list and change the last line for effect to "And sometimes, I need to be saved."

Walk

 

That was damn harsh but I understand the point you are trying to get across. Truth hurts... But nevertheless its the truth.

 

I just hope that you don't hate me for who I am...

 

It takes effort to change who you are and how you view the world. Takes a lot of damn effort. If nothing is in your control, then you've given it away. No one took it from you. You have every single choice in your life in the palm of your hands. You refuse to believe it.

 

You asked: "How do you think your life will be if your basic needs are not satisfied?? Like you don't have a proper place to live, don't make enough money and can't afford to eat everyday, no family or relationship to love you, no sex, can't go to a movie or some other form of entertainment...."

 

Know what? I've been there. And I didn't die! Right now, the homeless shelter feeds those people better than I eat. I haven't eaten in two days. I got a roof over my head right now. But who knows when that'll be yanked out from under me. I've lived in my car, on park benches, and slept in ditches. I've eaten tuna straight from the can for weeks on end because i couldnt' afford anything else. I've worked my entire life to watch others piss it away. I've been denied promotions because, and I quote..."the minimum pay rate for the position was to big a jump from the position I was in". Not that I wasn't qulified, not that I wasn't already performing the job, not because I didn't earn it. But unjust rules.

Repetitively told I was stupid and would never amount to anything. I've broken my back and I'll never enjoy the hobbies and interests I used to love with all my heart. It causes me constant pain every single day of my life.

 

I want to quit so bad right now I can taste it. I want the whole f***ing world to die. I wish I'd never had the upraising that instilled in me the fact that I'm an ugly waste of flesh. I wish my dad hadn't beaten me when I was a kid. I wish I didn't have to work 20 f***ing times harder than the average person just to have the exact same thing. I get pissed off about it, I want to give up too, I want it easier. It isn't going to happen. So unless I like being pissed off, then I better get my ass in gear and work harder and longer then the other f*** who has it all handed to him.

 

Which by the way. YOU are that other person who had it all handed to him. That's what I see. You get a great education, a great job, you live in a great city. You never have to see your parents or talk to them if you don't want to. You aren't at their beck and call 24/7. You have a comfortable life, with plenty of money. And even though you might want sex from your "friend", you at least HAVE a friend. Someone who wants to spend time with you, talk to you. I don't have that. I don't have anything. I don't own anything but a car with a bad transmission. I have $114 dollars in the bank and I have no income coming in. The marine corps refuses to pay me for the money they ordered me to spend. Every week my bf threatens to kick me out, yet tells me if I get a job we're over. Every week I wonder if this will be the week I move into the homeless shelter. Every week everyone tells me they want more from me, and I have NOTHING left to give!!! I'm worn out. I'm exhausted. I want to quit.

 

I want the f*** out of my life because it f***ing sucks, and then I get on here and read how horrible and disgusting your life is because you weren't given more?!?!?!?!?! What the hell do you want? What????? Do you think there's some kind of holy grail out there that will "poof" make you happy? That if you only had that new tv, or the new girl, or the new job... that suddenly everything inside your head is going to click and you'll experience nirvana??? Wake up call. IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY!!! You're searching for happiness everywhere but inside you. You aren't starving, you have a roof over your head, you have income that affords you vacations and anything else your little heart desires. You finally get all that, and you still aren't happy. You want more, and you want it handed to you. But you refuse to see that no one can give you that, but you.

 

Noclobber... I love you, you're a great guy with a lot to offer the world... But damn, you need a kick in the ass. Or something to break you out of this self induced pity party you are stuck in. If you're depressed, get help. There's no shame in it. There's shame in not seeking help. You have health insurance. Go see a doctor. Taking some medication so that you can break free from the depression will allow you to see your life fully, not from the bottom of the barrel looking up. You aren't speaking from a rational view point. You can't see the world through clear eyes because of the guilt and depression. I'll support you in anything you decide, but not if you refuse to help yourself. If I could make you happy by snapping my fingers, I would. I'd do it in an instance. But you have to decide to change. Even though I want to help... I can't if you don't want it. Get it? It's a choice. It's your choice. Not luck, not fate. Your choice. If you refuse to get the help you need, then you've chosen to stay in the mentality you currently have. Luck didn't play a part in that. YOU did. Please go see a doctor.