Why do you do it

After reading many of the posts, I just have on question.

Many of the people here defend their choice to be the OW or OM. But why did you get involved in the first place? Why I on earth would anyone want to be the "other" in someone else's life, instead of finding someone who will treat them as the one and only. And if you didn't know when you started the relationship, why did you remain in it after you found out the man or woman you are dating is a sleazy cheater?

I am sure that if you got an involved person to want a relationship with you you have many great characteristics that made them want to go through the trouble of cheating. So obviously you can "get" a mate, why not go for an unattached one?

The other thing I am curious about is, if you found out your partner was cheating on you with someone else (as in, they had another mistress in addition to you) would you feel you have the right to get mad? And, if they are obviously unfaithful to their current spouse, do you ever expect them to be faithful to you?

Please, no hostile posts, I am just curious to know the thinking process of OW & OM.

I entered the relationship as an OW because I wasn't aware of the full extent of the guy's relationship. He was separated from LTR for 2 years, and implied that he was single. I think he believes himself that he is single, but his ex still runs his life completely and uses their children as pawns. He hides our relationship from her and barks whenever she holds out a bone for him. He refuses to take her to court for child custody even though he is the more stable of the 2 parents. So, she just continues to control his every move by threatening him with the kids.

So, why do I stay? Because I've known this man since we were children, and I know that despite his current situation he is a good, kind, honest man. I stay because he is honest with me now, and knows that he will never be able to continue life this way. How long will I stay? I have told myself that if his situation with his ex is not resolved within a year (i.e. he doesn't grow the balls needed to get court-ordered custody arrangements to minimize the conflict he has with his ex), I will have to go.

I got involved with my ex MM because he lied and told me that he was not only separated from his W, but was going to divorce her. I was fool enough to believe him. When I later found out that he wasn't even separated, I held on for another two months or so. Why? Because by then, I had fallen deeply in love with him. It was two months of torture, heartbreak, and pain unlike any I had known. Finally, I made myself walk away. Hardest thing I have ever done.

It's been over a yr of NC, and a part of me still loves him. But I moved on, met a wonderful man, and am happy. I wouldn't go back to my ex MM, but it still hurts sometimes. More than I care to admit.

well, i became involved with my MM first as friends, and we fell in love. i dont know how i let it get so far. of course i know it is wrong and i hate the lying and hiding. i would love to have a man all to myself, but i love MM so much right now that i cant just give him up.

i would not tolerate cheating in normal circumstances, no. and i would not cheat on a partner either. i do not know why i tolerate this R with MM, except that i love him.

Hi Guest!

Why did I get incolved with ex-MM... I'll be totally honest, it was for purely selfish reasons. I was not dating anyone, had come out of a terrible relationship with an ex-BF, MM was good looking and as I found out, decent in bed. It was fun, good sex, and all that.

Why did I stay? I fell in love, totally not expecting to. Once I started learning about the small lies he told, and then larger lies, I was already very strongly emotionally attached.

But even that wore off over time as he became a bigger prick. I can happily and honestly say now that I do not love him anymore. I haven't loved him in quite a long time (we are no longer together, by the way).

Plain and simple: for love. The exact same reason betrayed spouces take their cheating partners back.

I was dating a seperated man I was lied to right until the very end. Then dumped via email because apparently his wife found out we were dating and it made him realise he had not worked on his marriage. I was told right until the end there was no possibility of him going back that he was 100% sure he had given everything he could to that rel. He even got me an expensive promise ring (not engagement an ring) two weeks before he dumped me.

I am still trying to figure out why I did it. Bottom line, I was a fool to believe his empty words.

It was not an esteem issue. Most may counter having an A as an esteem issue. It wasn't for me though. In fact I know that my high esteem is what drew MM my way. It was only during course of the A that the esteem sort of took a turn.

Why the A and why did I let myself go that way. I liked him, then I loved him. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. We liked each other, did many things together that his W would not do. THe more we did things together and the more we spent time together the more I fell and the harder it was to stop the whole thing. Unfortunately he was what I was looking for in a SO, but the M situation got in the way. He couldn't or wasn't willing to leave the M even though we were close. He had too much to lose, I didn't...except him.

I wouldn't take it back. It was what it was, I am a changed person from it. I still think about him and miss him. Many anniversaries are coming up, that will be a hard part for me to deal with. I am still dealing with my own set of esteem issues related to the A, but it does get better! I know I will never fall into another A ever again!

Best

My exMM was the man I dated while I was in college. He even proposed to me back then and broke it off wtih me after I was hesitant and wanted more time to think it over. He immediately hooked up and got engaged to someone else who had been after him while he and were dating (and no doubt he cheated on me with her). While he was engaged to her, he tried to get back together again with me, but I was so hurt and angry I told him to get lost. I met my H and married him, and exMM married his fiancee about a year after I had gotten married.

More than a decade later I contacted him because I felt bad about things between us had ended and because there were so many unanswered questions. We were in touch via e-mail for over three years, and rather than being honest with me and giving me closure, he kept telling me that he had been "young and stupid" back then to let me go, that his W never meant as much to him as I had, that he had "rushed" into his M, that things were barely OK, etc. Basically he led me to believe that I was the one for him, and he got very flirty and sexual with me, telling me how incredibly beautiful, hot and sexy he still found me, how lucky my H is, etc. Whenever I tried to change the subject on him and go back to my original reason why I contacted him, he would go NC and act all hurt. I was blaming myself again for hurting that poor, tortured, sensitive man once again, just like I broke his heart back then.

After a particularly painful period of email correspondence with him, I just HAD to find out what was really going on and I was able to crack his password to his email. There, the cold, hard, ugly truth came to light. All the things he had told me about him not really loving his W, his M being at best barely tolerable, etc., were LIES. He travels a lot for his job, and the mails he sends to his W while he is away are not in line with the story he had been trying to feed me at all. He tells her how much he loves her, that she is his one and only, the love of his life, how lucky he is to have married her., etc. Pretty much the total opposite of what he'd been telling me. On top of that, he had tons of mails to as many as 8 different young girls at a time. Based on the content of those mails, it was 100% clear that he has had sex with all of them on a very regular basis while he is away from home. One of the "ladies" even lives in the town where he and his family live. He gets it on all the time, and his W thinks he walks on water. In her mails to him it is 100% clear that she thinks he just sits in his hotelroom sulking and missing her while he is away. Of course we know what he REALLY does while he's away from home. In fact, shortly before I found out the truth about him, I met him when he had a layover in my city, and even though I kept my emotional/physical distance from him, he exposed himself to me.

Needless to say, case closed for me. He fooled me back then and I thank my lucky star that I did not end up marrying that guy. All the questions I had about our breakup and things that happened between us back then are now crystal clear and need no explanation anymore. I cut all contact to him last summer, and he has on occassion tried to get in touch with me again, trying to feed me the same old lines to get me to fall for his crap again. I think I hurt his ego quite a bit when I turned him down during his layover. I never told him what I found out and I won't. He left me standing in the rain wondering what was going on back then, and now it's his turn. But he's too shallow to care anyways, and has already moved on to the next victim.

The so very very EX MM was a con-artist, everything about him was an emotional con, though I had no idea during the involvement.

Had I have read the MM "book of manipulation" that has been presented via various disscussion via this forum I would have suspected in a split second "what was up".

I just thought he had an intense job that needed some travel and was an attentive business person. Since I am in the same area of "work" this was not at all unusual.

The past six months has been about me figuring out how I was "dooped" and getting over it, and being determined to never let this happen again.

I've no self-esteem issues that led me to be with him--just the patience and sweet love that one gives to someone who is, at times, consumed with their "job" or their busy life.

Though I did receive the better part of his "attention"; I will no longer trust another that is so consumed nor so charming.

Welcome Guest!

Why I got involved...it's shaming to say, but mine was also purely for selfish reasons. MM and I worked together, and we were both in marriages that were troubled. We set very clear boundaries that it would be a FWB arrangement and neither one of us would leave our marriages for the other.

Bue here we are almost three years later. We only worked together for a year, but the A continued even after he left his job. I've since divorced my H; MM is still in his marriage but supposedly giving serious thought to getting a divorce as well. We've decided NC is best during this time while he decides what he is going to do.

I'm trying to use this time to move on and emotionally detach from him. I would never defend my choice to be the OW. What I should have done is dealt with getting out of my marriage and concentrated on finding someone who was single and available. But hindsight is always 20/20....

After reading many of the posts, I just have on question.

 

Many of the people here defend their choice to be the OW or OM. But why did you get involved in the first place? Why I on earth would anyone want to be the "other" in someone else's life, instead of finding someone who will treat them as the one and only. And if you didn't know when you started the relationship, why did you remain in it after you found out the man or woman you are dating is a sleazy cheater?

 

I am sure that if you got an involved person to want a relationship with you you have many great characteristics that made them want to go through the trouble of cheating. So obviously you can "get" a mate, why not go for an unattached one?

 

The other thing I am curious about is, if you found out your partner was cheating on you with someone else (as in, they had another mistress in addition to you) would you feel you have the right to get mad? And, if they are obviously unfaithful to their current spouse, do you ever expect them to be faithful to you?

 

Please, no hostile posts, I am just curious to know the thinking process of OW & OM.

When I first met him, he told me that his marriage was 'over' and that he wanted out. I encouraged him to work on it and sort out the reasons that they'd drifted so far apart, because I believed that that was possible. He insisted that there was no way anything was salvageable in his marriage, and what's more he had no intention or desire to salvage it. But after a while he admitted that he couldn't do the 'right' thing and end it because of his children.

By that time, several months into the friendship, we had a lot of feelings for each other. He said we couldn't go on getting closer, because he couldn't leave. We backed right off from what was, by then, a relationship rather than a friendship, I suppose. We had no plan, and I had just some vague hope that something would work out, as he fell more in love with me, and more certain that being married to her was not what he wanted. About a year into knowing him we made it a PA. Completely stupid and wreckless on both our parts.

Some months later he decided that he did need to leave... he tried and failed to have 'the conversation'. Decided it couldn't be done. I instituted our first NC, which lasted next to no time. Back to the affair. 'He just needs more time'... blah blah... round and round... at one point we didn't even see each other for 8 months, and had NC all last summer...

... and now it's three years since we first met. He's never really said anything other than he wants to be with me, and doesn't want to be with her, but there are the children. I'm worn out, he's worn out. It's no fun. So why do we do it..? Because walking away is almost as hard as him ending his marriage..? Because we're so good together and it seems like him leaving is the logical answer... if he can just get his act together..? I don't know.

For the 'why not get an unattached person'..? Well that's a question often asked here, and my response is always the same: it was HIM I was interested in, and he was married. If he'd been single, it would have been the same: him. Yes, I could date A single man, but it wouldn't be HIM.

In answer to the third part of your question. I have never and would never cheat on a partner. I can't see the POINT. If a relationship is so bad you need to cheat, you need to end it.

If anyone cheated on me? They'd have no excuse, because I put 200% into any relationship I'm in. If they cheated, they'd be throwing all that out of the window, and for what..? They'd be out on their ear immediately. Even if I loved them heart and soul, if they betrayed me like that I could never respect them again, nor trust them.

Many of the people here defend their choice to be the OW or OM. But why did you get involved in the first place? Why I on earth would anyone want to be the "other" in someone else's life, instead of finding someone who will treat them as the one and only.

I met my MW on-line and she made no mention of the fact that she had an H until I met her. I was hesitant at first, but I began to feel bad for her. She was in a very loveless marriage for such a long time. And to make matters worse, this person had so much love to give, but nobody to share it with. We eventually became physically intimate, but it wasn't until getting to know her even better than we fell for each other. She's such a wonderful person who just felt so trapped in her situation... and I felt bad for her. Of course that doesn't excuse what we did, but that's why I got involved. Unfortunately, now she's separated and needs time to herself... which as much as it pains me to say... I understand.

And, if they are obviously unfaithful to their current spouse, do you ever expect them to be faithful to you?

I've thought about this from time to time, and I think if we were in a R, she would be faithful to me. The lingering doubt will always be there, but I understand why she did what she did, and speaking as someone who is so deeply in love with her, I have to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Currently on day 12 of NC.

We did it because there was a mutual attraction that each of us could not deny. It started out as a friendship that just grew into something stronger. I was miserable in my marriage (separated now), more so then MM but something clicked and it happened. We shared chemistry and compatibility and could do things that neither one of us could do with our spouses. We were very discreet. Neither one of our spouses knew and will never ever know.

Additionally, I was a former BS in my first marriage so I have been on both sides of the fence.

After reading many of the posts, I just have on question.

And if you didn't know when you started the relationship, why did you remain in it after you found out the man or woman you are dating is a sleazy cheater?

For me I didn't know until three months into it when his S/O joined a group of us for an outing. I was so pissed I initiated no contact. It lasted 2 weeks before he started blowing up my cell phone, email and home phone. I wouldn't say that I was in love with him at three months, but I was well on my way. It was at that point that we discussed his reasoning for cheating, and it wasn't a very good reason but I understood.

I am sure that if you got an involved person to want a relationship with you you have many great characteristics that made them want to go through the trouble of cheating. So obviously you can "get" a mate, why not go for an unattached one?

You can't help who you fall in love with. You can't help who you are attracted to. The guy I was his OW for just happened to be everything that I looked for physcially, emotionally and it was awesome that we had so much in common. Believe me, if given the choice I'd rather him be single than involved. And we've been talking for 2 almost 3 years and he just told me that he was going to leave her for me but he didn't think I was that interested in him. I assume that's a load of crap, but who knows.

The other thing I am curious about is, if you found out your partner was cheating on you with someone else (as in, they had another mistress in addition to you) would you feel you have the right to get mad? And, if they are obviously unfaithful to their current spouse, do you ever expect them to be faithful to you?

 

Please, no hostile posts, I am just curious to know the thinking process of OW & OM.

I think that in certain instances you can expect them not to cheat, in terms of him and I I'd like to believe that he wouldn't cheat, but I'd always have doubt and I'd always be second guessing his every move.

We are currently 5 days no contact because I turned him down for sex when he was in my area. Following his pattern, no contact will be broken on Monday morning, I will get an email.

Many of the people here defend their choice to be the OW or OM. But why did you get involved in the first place? Why I on earth would anyone want to be the "other" in someone else's life, instead of finding someone who will treat them as the one and only. And if you didn't know when you started the relationship, why did you remain in it after you found out the man or woman you are dating is a sleazy cheater?

I would never try and DEFEND my R with exMM. I KNOW it was wrong but I still did it. I knew he was married too so can't blame it on the fact that he lied. I was at a low period in my life, just coming out of an LTR with the father of my child, he was going through a bad time which was what got us chatting the the first place and 'one thing lead to another' as they say. Then we fell in love.

The other thing I am curious about is, if you found out your partner was cheating on you with someone else (as in, they had another mistress in addition to you) would you feel you have the right to get mad?

Big time. Just as I feel his W had a right to get mad. I would have fully expected her to turn up on my doorstep and punch my lights out, if she'd known where I lived. She had a suspiscion about where I worked but never turned up there, fortunately for me. I would have totally deserved it if she HAD done though!

And, if they are obviously unfaithful to their current spouse, do you ever expect them to be faithful to you?

I totally disagree with the 'once a cheat, always a cheat' thing. Yes, of course, there are some men (and women) that are serial cheaters, they just can't help themselves (but they do! ) Sometimes things happen due to circumstance. People make wrong (or sometimes in a way right) decisions. There are many people who are ashamed of the fact that they have cheated and there is nothing to justify it whatsoever but it happens and it always will. I am sure if I had ended up with MM I would have been paranoid that he would cheat on me too but I have cheated before and I don't think it means I will necessarily do it again. I also think there's a difference depending on the length and severity of someone elses R. Of course, if you're married there's no excuse but I would find it a lot easier to trust someone like my MM who had got married young (after they'd had two kids), been married 15 years and not been happy for a long time, rather than someone who was recently married, especially if they'd just become a father. If they aren't happy in that early stage of a R then what hope is there? Saying that, everyone makes mistakes. It's only human nature.

Kimberyann - I echo your sentiment totally.

Why do you think that marriage automatically assumes a person will be treated as a person's "one and only"? Apparently, it's just not he case.

Marriage is mostly boring and the OW/OM always are one step ahead and getting the excitement + satisfaction needed while the poor wife labors and toils with kids, shopping and housework. Not to mention that many women let themselves go after marriage and rarely want to give oral sex or passionate screwing. It's a sad life for a wife!

Why do you think that marriage automatically assumes a person will be treated as a person's "one and only"? Apparently, it's just not he case.

having involved in two affairs myself as a OW and seeing so many affairs in the office space, i could not help but ask myself this same question... only in a different context, "what does marriage mean anyway?" traditionally men go out and work as the bread-winner while the wife stays at home taking care of kids and the housework. nowaday things changed. women work and men share the housework. does marriage to a woman (i am saying this because i am a woman) nowadays still mean only financial and emotional security as things are legal between the couple? how come there are no more excitement and no personal space to grow (and i am not talking about little dirty secret of OW) anymore, only because this relationship has been made "official"?

i haven't been in a marriage before but i was the live-in gf in two very long relationships and i know how a relationship can go boring as time goes by and i know ways to rekindle the passions. no i don't have kids but my previous job required frequent overseas travels (average once every month) and overtime work and i did the best i can to make my man happy and make sure they did the same for me.... because i know, if i don't do it, i might lose them to others. shouldn't a couple in a marriage think about the same thing too?

Marriage is mostly boring and the OW/OM always are one step ahead and getting the excitement + satisfaction needed while the poor wife labors and toils with kids, shopping and housework. Not to mention that many women let themselves go after marriage and rarely want to give oral sex or passionate screwing. It's a sad life for a wife!

most wives probably don't think it that way... otherwise they wouldn't have stayed in the marriage but look for a way out. rather some enjoy a stable relationship, having their needs taken cared of (financially emotionally and physically) by the husband... they just have different priority than the husbands that's all.

re. original post. why did i do it?

first time i was young. did not know how to say no to the boss of my boss at my first job. second time it was a bad choice. i love my xMM but i wasn't in love with him. and we never planned a future together. i was his female companion when he was away from home. and he was my male companion when i just started my own business and in need of someone who can give me emotional support at that point of time.

re. MM cheating on me, would i feel i have the right to get mad?

no. it was an open relationship, and we discussed about it since we started seeing each other.

Why do you think that marriage automatically assumes a person will be treated as a person's "one and only"? Apparently, it's just not he case.

Marriage is mostly boring and the OW/OM always are one step ahead and getting the excitement + satisfaction needed while the poor wife labors and toils with kids, shopping and housework. Not to mention that many women let themselves go after marriage and rarely want to give oral sex or passionate screwing. It's a sad life for a wife!

Respectfully, I disagree. Should one have committed to marriage than one DOES commit to a "one and only". That is what marriage is about--take it or leave it..

As to marriage being "boring": that is the bored person's to deal with--to communicate w/ one's partner and resolve/ change via communication re: one's desires within the marriage, otherwise one should just accept boredom as one's OWN choice and live with that.

As to a wife's life being "sad", this is more than doubful as most wives/ hubands would never consider themselves laborers nor merely toiling (much less boring or sad) about their family.

Parenting is not optional and is the least boring profession. Frankly, its quite confouding and just down right hilarious.

I did post on another thread as to why men who are involved with their children wouldn't smell like baby up-chuck, have mussed hair, be sleep deprived, etc?

As the "women let themselves go" comment: get a grip! A woman's body is the vessel about which one's children is nutured and whose body a man's (should he consider that this is just HIS and not even HER child) child comes into this world. That is a sacred miracle and not an accounting of BJ's.

A woman's body does what it may to produce and nurture and every woman's body is different as to that result.

If one only marries a woman for a "body" then best one does not get a woman pregnant with a child.

Least of all one as a male, should never grow "old" so as to appear less virile or sexually unattractive (no passionate screwing for YOU!) being that one would also have the "appearance" of letting oneself "go".

Especially since age boundaries are no longer the case w/ women!

Factually, couples where a woman is in her mid forties, fifties and beyond with much younger men are notably increasing.

After reading many of the posts, I just have on question.

 

Many of the people here defend their choice to be the OW or OM. But why did you get involved in the first place? Why I on earth would anyone want to be the "other" in someone else's life, instead of finding someone who will treat them as the one and only. And if you didn't know when you started the relationship, why did you remain in it after you found out the man or woman you are dating is a sleazy cheater?

 

I am sure that if you got an involved person to want a relationship with you you have many great characteristics that made them want to go through the trouble of cheating. So obviously you can "get" a mate, why not go for an unattached one?

 

The other thing I am curious about is, if you found out your partner was cheating on you with someone else (as in, they had another mistress in addition to you) would you feel you have the right to get mad? And, if they are obviously unfaithful to their current spouse, do you ever expect them to be faithful to you?

 

Please, no hostile posts, I am just curious to know the thinking process of OW & OM.

Lies, lies, lies, just like they lie to the W...They lie to OW...NOT in ALL cases, but a great deal of OW begin A's with MM simply b/c they are lied to about their marital status. I know mine did!

We were friends first. Friends who knew that there was an intense physical attraction and I tried desperately hard to keep it at that level because I knew he was married. I am a sucessful, hardworking woman (divorced and my kids are grown) and I didn't want a relationship. Now the answer of course would have been to run in the other direction and never see him again but it was impossible but from the moment I looked into his eyes, I never wanted to look away. The thought of him spreads the warmth through my body that I have never felt before.

Today, we still have more of a non-physical relationship than physical. I am trying to end it because I don't want to hurt his wife. I am trying to keep busy and to stop thinking of him. This is harder than when my marriage broke up.

Maybe because you "can't" have him and the intense feelings he brings out in you is felt deeper than the pain brought on when your marriage ended.

I really hope you end it, for your sake and his family's sake. Even though HE should be the one ending it so he can fix his marriage and stop lying to his wife...

Good luck!

I started seeing him because I was ready to be in a loving caring relationship and he interested me, I wanted to get to know him better, he is not the best looking guy in the world but he caught my eye and kept it.

I had my suspitions and then I finally found out... I stayed and stayed and stayed... and now I am here, 17 days away from being a year. I am overwhelmed and he is as well...

Fact is I trusted him more then he trusted me to this day still is the case.

I stayed for the compassion and love I felt and still feel for him. But it does wear you down, especially with the person I am dealing with... I think that he is so unhappy and will not talk about his situation and that scares me.

Now I just need to focus on me.. I am hurt and so scared.

Now I just need to focus on me.. I am hurt and so scared.

Of course you are hurt and scared -- perfectly normal. It really is hard isn't it?! This best attitude to take is by focusing on yourself. You can do it.

Of course you are hurt and scared -- perfectly normal. It really is hard isn't it?! This best attitude to take is by focusing on yourself. You can do it.

hard does not even begin to describe the feeling at all. I don't know where I stand right now. but I know one thing...

I am not a big fan of BLUE GRASS MUSIC...

My MM and I work together. We both had little secret crushes on each other, but they were innocent. Then we started to become better friends, and one night we let the feelings lead the way. We have been together ever since. Coming up on one year.

I would have never never thought I would be in my place right now. Sometimes I still don't understand why I don't walk away from him. It's because I love him very much. He loves me. I would never allow him to be with another women. ( he is not physical with his wife, has not been since I have been with him.) I'm with him because I love him, and I know that we will work it out, and be together. It's hard.