A coping strategy that works

I know which word caught your attention: works. The word "work" means WORK, not FUN. But in order to have fun, you must work. It will work, because I say so; because I will not let it NOT work; because I will find ways to make it work.

 

After spending a week or two in complete misery, I woke up from the nightmare thinking that I am not going to let this eat me and all I have to do is be determined about it. I realized that I have a goal: to get through this divorce - sane. But I need to WORK HARD on my goal. Abraham Lincoln once told a prospective law student: “You have decided to become a lawyer, so more than half the job is done; now you only need to study the books.” Inspired by this, I decided to first determine what my goal is and then find ways to accomplish it. Yes, it will be hard work to jog, to control my appetite, to say NO to the wine, to say NO to laziness, and to stick to the plan altogether. But that’s my job right now – I am “paid” to work hard, endure the difficulty, and act responsibly even when I don’t feel like it. The reward will be immense: I will feel better with every little bit of the plan that I stuck to, with any accomplishment. Then I will feel better because I feel better so it will give me more motivation to continue. It totally doesn't matter that losing weight has nothing to do with getting over him, but I want to focus on something that's constructive and give it priority over the stupid grieving.

 

First, you must decide that you don't accept to suffer, you refuse to give in and pity yourself, and to grieve over someone who doesn't want you and put you through pain. You refuse to feel humiliated, rejected, and unwanted. You are determined to take the situation in your hands and be happy. You decided to be happy as of NOW.

 

Next, you promise yourself to devise a plan and implement it. Every goal must be followed by a plan and implementation of the plan. You determine how you want to feel and how you will achieve that. Be creative and be productive. Think about your feelings; do you feel ugly? Rejected? Sad? Angry? The point is not to go out with your friends or go to the gym - that won't make you feel better if you use these things as goals, instead of tools. You'll go out with your friends and you will feel even more miserable if you let your feelings control you. You decide to NOT do anything that makes you miserable. If going out with friends is one of those things, go ahead, but if it only reminds you of your ex, then don't go. You have to forbid yourself to feel miserable. If you're miserable, you are bored. Don't just do "something." Do something big, something that will change your life and fully engage your mind. Do something that will yield positive results and leave you with the sweet taste of accomplishment. Then come here and share your accomplishment, not your misery.

 

Don't let yourself dwell on your misery; cut every thought about your ex. Soon enough, hopefully, you will train your brain to avoid bad thoughts, because they make you feel miserable. It's all about attitude and nothing else. Shut down every negative feeling and admit the truth: you WILL get over, you WILL be happy, you WILL be fine, you WILL love and be loved again. This is just temporary. Stop thinking about how they hurt you or how your life will continue. Your life IS continuing and by looking back, you're sitting on a train that's going in the opposite direction. Change the train now, not tomorrow, not next month. Start planning your future as if the past doesn't exist, as if you just woke up from amnesia and are all excited about the things you have to learn and do.

 

Many people feel angst about the financial aspect after a break-up or divorce. It's not worth your nerves; it is what it is. If you can do something about it, do it, but if you can't - decide to accept the situation with faith and ease. You are more adaptable to any changes than you give yourself credit for! If you are still living with the "source of pain" (they don't deserve a better name), ignore him/her. Not ignore as in not talk to them; but ignore them in your mind and heart. They left the house? Who cares where they went. Don't even think about it. It really doesn't matter. They said something hurtful? Great - more reasons to feel good and celebrate the separation from such a jerk.

 

This suffering is absolutely ridiculous. If you rationalize the situation, you will see how idiotic it is to suffer over someone who doesn't exist in your life anymore by their own choice. It's all about vanity and hurt pride. Nothing is wrong with me. All this sh*t is just in my head, it’s not real. I am the one giving it life and power to control me. Once I catch the demon and tell it to get the hell out of my life, it must go away. There will be no one to feed the parasite and it must die. I already feel better. I know there will be good days and bad days, but I will endure. It will be a piece of cake now that I decided NOT to feel miserable anymore.

 

Don't underestimate the power of your desire. I wasted a year of my nerves wanting my ex back. When I started wanting to forget him, it happened very quickly.

 

And finally, smile and laugh.

Dear RP,

 

Now that you have it down on paper, I expect you to show unwavering determination. No fluctuations, no relapses, no excuses. Go straight for the finish line! You have taken your first baby step in the road to self -discovery (and recovery). You have all the qualities you need to come out a winner. You know you do! Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

 

I will be watching you, sister!

RP- This was a great post, one I needed this morning. I need to change my train of thought especially because I am only hurting myself with my negative thoughts.

 

I keep having awful dreams about my ex with his new girl, not girlfriend (that I know of) but she was a friend of mine...not wicked close...and she is also HIS best friends ex. She was an easy target. I want to say hurtful spiteful thing about how she is fat and ugly and he deserves her and how they are both just sloppy seconds and how when it comes down to it they deserve eachother...and I want to use strong language.

 

I need to retrain myself/.

Great post!!!!

 

 

Goodness me, that was encouraging! We put ourselves through torture sometimes. Its all about being positive from today.

 

Do something that will yield positive results and leave you with the sweet taste of accomplishment.

 

 

Correct!I have an aim to get a 2.1 in my law degree in May. I need to work very hard from now, I am going to throw myself into work and church..thoroughly, then relax during the weekend, watch movies, cook nice food, read LS............

 

 

Thanks for that, we are responsible for our own happiness.xxx

 

 

 

ps- To those who just split, mourn....you need sometimes to feel the pain...but at a certain point, enough is enough.xxxxxxxxxxx

RP -

 

This is an awesome post and should be pinned if you ask me. You have hit the nail on the head.

 

The only person making us be miserable, is ourselves. Our exes don't "make" us sad. We choose to be sad over what was, or what isn't now, or whatever.

 

Our emotions, while they are NOT always rational, they are for us to decide. We can ultimately make the decision to heal. We can ultimately make the decision to set ourselves back. Etc.

 

Healing truly is about deciding ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! He/she treated me badly or didn't want to stick around and therefore isn't worth my tears or sadness. Odds are, while you're deciding to be sad and hung up, they are deciding to move on with their lives.

 

Do you really want them to beat you like that? Didn't think so.

 

Kudos to your post, RP, I hope it brings many posters great strength!!

Tomorrow is our 2nd anniversary: what a perfect occasion to feel miserable. He came home and said, "Tomorrow is our anniversary, I will be out." I said "OK" with a tone so light, as if he said he was going to take a shower. I almost felt the wave of sadness trying to approach me, but I instantly stopped it. I said to myself:

 

1. He is apparently upset or he wouldn't be running away from HIS misery.

2. He apparently wants to make me upset, which is good news - it means he cares (good for my vanity) and it means he will end up even more upset when he sees that I am not (which is good for my entertainment).

3. He is a moron, because a mature person who is dumping someone would ne honest about the situation, stay with me on that day, be firendly, say something comforting, and perhaps go to dinner. There is no reason to make the day miserable. It's just a day that can pass nicely; we don't have to delete it from the calendar.

4. I am glad he won't be at home, cuz I will be able to treat it as any other day, instead of letting him put me down. Coping is easy when I just do my own thing, but when he provokes me, I have to work hard and invest energy in pushing the negative thoughts down.

 

OK, today I was really doing well, given that just two days ago I was drowning in pain and wine. I just wish I didn't take all this so seriously. I just want to feel nothing. By the way, I told him a few days ago that I never loved him, which is a big fat lie (or I wouldn't be typing all this), but I don't know if he didn't believe me. I sad that to hurt him.

Odds are, while you're deciding to be sad and hung up, they are deciding to move on with their lives.

And also, very often when you decide to move on, they want you back. It's a good reward for your pain, if nothing else.

 

Kudos to your post, RP, I hope it brings many posters great strength!!

Thanks. I really hope it helps some other people, too. When you think of the real problems in the world, this is just stupid love. It's not even love, cuz love should be mutual.

Sorry you will fell miserable tomorrow RP

 

Maybe you need to go do something for yourself or for yourself and kids.. that way you don't have to lay around the house and be miserable..

Sorry you will fell miserable tomorrow RP

 

Maybe you need to go do something for yourself or for yourself and kids.. that way you don't have to lay around the house and be miserable..

I am not going to feel miserable. HE will. It's just another day and I will treat it as such. I'll finish my essays, do the laundry, jog, cook, hang on LS...

 

The marriage is over. HE will regret this. I will be thankful when my new chapter turns out so much better than this one. This is what happened with my last divorce. I came to a beautiful country with so many opportunities and great people of different cultures; so many fun places to go and things to do - just to be "imprisoned" by the claws of love in four walls painted in misery. I really don't want to end my life like this. He is not marriage material and I feel sorry for him, because I do love him as a person. But my life must go on, I must leave him behind, no matter how painful the cut or how uncertain the future seems. I can't change him and that was my problem for two years; but it's HIS problem forever.

 

I know he doesn't feel good about tomorrow's day, so that's probably why I feel good. I am calm and cheerful and that probably makes him feel even worse. I am pretty certain (God willing, if we all stay healthy) that I will move on much quicker than he will; that I will be happy in somebody's arms while he will be lonely. The other day, I asked him how he's going to deal with loneliness and he said he's been alone most of his life. Maybe that's true, but he was younger, worked very hard, and had many women. Besides, being alone prior to our marriage and staying alone at 51, after tasting the love of three people that HE kicked out of his life - will not be the same. He will question and probably regret his decision more and more as he gets older and the phone starts ringing less and less. Even if new women enter his life occasionally, he will dump them all, because he is unable to maintain a relationship. Poor thing.

RecordProducer, great post! What I take from your post, and what's been borne out in my own experience, is people have a choice whether to keep carrying emotional baggage or not. I know I did for a long time, I don't think I was ready to give it up too easily or too soon, but one day I just said, "My life is so much more than any of this garbage, this isn't who I am as a person, and life's way too short, I want to live my life for me from now on. This is taking up way too much of my energy." I'm not saying it's easy or it happened instantaneously, it's hard as hell, and still is at times, but it certainly did get easier after that epiphany, and I remind myself of that and the real concrete accomplishments I've been making to improve myself when one of those moods strikes. You don't need anyone else's validation except your own. Best of luck to you!

I liked your advice and would like to add; remember to smile!

 

When you become an esquire, JD, lawyer, DA, prosecuter, plaintiff, defendent, etc... remember to smile at the faces of adversity!

Great post and very true. The challenge is keeping it up day to day. Especially if you're a person with a habit of negative thinking... not saying you are but in general. Remind yourself every day. Re read your post every morning. Some days breeze right by and others you have to push that much harder to get over that hill. Making the choice to be happy is the important beginning. I have to be reminded of all this sometimes that's for sure.

 

All the best RP..

Excellent advice