Should I settle for the sake of kids and commitment if marriage is lame or get help?

Yeah. Counseling. You owe it to your wife to give her a chance. All you need to do is to get her to understand where you're coming from. Maybe she isn't interested in sex because you see her as Supernanny and treat her like that. Can you get all the other stuff from your gf? Its messy. Get help.

Get counseling. Good luck.

 

 

 

I thought in the beginning his wife may be a little cold, but now I'm not so sure it's his wife. He has mentioned so many things that have nothing to do with his wife, but how he views things in his life. He likes his perfect image in the burbs with the perfect wife and famiy, but he doesn't like himself much because there is something missing in him. He says he is bored with his normal perfect life, but I think he believes he deserves more. It's just an air of superiorty that comes through. He calls his wife simple and boring, but he isn't. Maybe she is just aware of what her blessings are and appreciates them.

 

 

I don't think he owes his wife anything other than the truth and she doesn't owe him anything since he stepped outside of the marriage. She owes herself and her children a whole happy mother. I 'd bet money that he doesn't even know where he is coming from. Seek IC.

Maritallyconfused, after an affair with my MM we agreed he should go back to his wife because there were unresolved issues regarding his marriage and what he felt for her. I thought it was love, he felt it was guilt and we would not have had a chance at a relationship with that starting point.

 

He returned and worked on issues and it was the best thing I could ever have done for us. It proved to him that his marriage was over not because he was a bad person and had had an affair, but the chicken-egg question was answered because he realised the marriage was unsalvable and the affair was a catalyst of this realisation for him.

 

It was awful from my viewpoint, not knowing and thinking he maybe was cushioning the blow and returning to what could be a happy marriage. But now with hindsight, I'm glad he went back and worked on things because I feel we now have a starting point. He has separated for the second time, but this time things he has done are much more concrete. He feels confidence in his actions where before he didn't as he was unsure whether he could recapture the essence of what he wanted his marriage to be.

 

I honestly dont think that if you feel love for your wife, you can just divorce and move on. You need to know you worked your hardest so in a few years time you dont look back and think "But I didnt do everything I could to see if we could recapture our love". It also helps the OW in the long-term as she has the belief that you know exactly what you're doing and she is not just a continuing catalyst because you exited your relationship. And, if things dont work out, it helps your W in the long term too because she is free to move on and find someone who is more suitable.

 

I suggest you work on your marriage as hard as you can but back it up with some understanding yourself, by perhaps getting some individual therapy to see why your needs are not being met and whether its because of the individual your married to or because there is something left wanting within yourself.

 

Good luck

Hello everyone, I have a classic affair for you.

 

First off, I never thought I would be in this situation. I have been with my wife for 18 years, been married for 9.

 

The unfortunate thing is that we have grown apart. I love her dearly. She is a great hommaker, great person, great wife and more importantly mother for our kids. Everyone loves her. But she is so simple and I am not and we have a disconnect. With that said, she and I have grown apart. There is no spark. We have sex maybe once a month and are only 36. I am a very sensual, touch feely (not overbearing). She does not like to be intimate, to kiss, to do much. Her life is family and the home. Its not all bad. We get along but its more cordial like friends. We really do not fight or anything, but it is just not doing it for me. I feel like I am 60 in my relationship. I do not know what to do, and have felt this way for a long time. I do love her.

 

Now, about six months ago, comes a hot, smart, funny, spunky, fun attractive 25 year old into my life...

 

I just do not know what to do. Should I settle for the sake of kids and commitment if my marriage is lame. Or should I try to get help in my marriage and see if I/we can improve things and go from there and maybe make a change down the road if it does not get better.

 

What's the point of 'just settling'..? Yes, of course you need to work on your marriage. What else makes sense?

 

Or were you posting on the OW forum to hear a lot of people say leave for the young hottie?!

Your inability to see right from wrong, morality and trustworthiness from betrayal is astounding. You can't even admit that you've done something wrong, that it's your fault you had an affair, whatever state your marriage was in.

 

If my father or mother had ever cheated on the other, and displayed such a callous and cavalier attitude for the act, I would hate the unfaithful one for the rest of my life. Such weak character as you've displayed is pathetic and inexcusable.

 

You have my contempt.

Please be honest with your poor wife and give her a chance to live her life with someone who loves and respects her. Don't let her continue to be your maid and babysitter while you have visions of the 25 yo dancing in your head. You have wasted her life if you have felt your marriage was stale since day one. It sounds like you love her the way you love the dog. Maybe your sex life stinks because she is not turned on by you in bed. Women will sometimes let this part of their life go if they really love a man. When is the last time you took her out for a romantic evening?

 

BTW I am not a BS, nor do I think a marriage should stay together no matter what; but like one poster said you don't have to be a BS to see that it is wrong to cheat. Man up and tell the truth. If you are so miserable then make yourself happy and stop wasting your W's life.

I gotta say, the thing that bothered me from the start about your first post, MC, was this "air of superiority," which bent pointed out. Your post is fairly dripping with contempt for your wife, even though you say you love her. I don't know. Are you even aware of what you sound like? Do you think that maybe your wife is? I can't think of a bigger turnoff than knowing that my husband/boyfriend/SO doesn't really think much of me, no matter if he uses the word "love" occasionally or not. Ugh. :sick:

 

I think bent is also right on here:

 

He has mentioned so many things that have nothing to do with his wife, but how he views things in his life. He likes his perfect image in the burbs with the perfect wife and famiy, but he doesn't like himself much because there is something missing in him. He says he is bored with his normal perfect life, but I think he believes he deserves more. It's just an air of superiorty that comes through. He calls his wife simple and boring, but he isn't.

 

It really does sound like on the one hand, you like having the perfect little wife and kids and house with white picket fence, because you like what it says about where you are in life, and on the other you kind of hate it, because you kind of hate what it says about where you are in life. Thus, you decide to despise your wife, who represents all that settled boring stuff for you, and yearn for something more "exciting."

 

Like others on here, I am starting to suspect that individual counseling is what you really need, not marriage counseling per se - it's not clear to me (or, apparently, to anyone else!) that you even know what you really want. It's pretty commonplace for someone to convince himself that since a period of unhappiness and dissatisfaction has already led him to seek excitement outside the marriage, he was completely justified in that because he was never happy and his wife never fulfilled him. That could be true, of course, but it just as easily could be changing the past to make yourself feel better in the present. Very common. Classic mid-life crisis?

While there are a few individuals who have posted some worthy responses, the bashing and the simple attitudes against the act are astounding..

 

I am not arrogant or full of deceit. Things happen in life for various reasons. My wife is a quality person, but we have grown apart. We do nothing together. We are separate at parties. We have never taken a trip. We have sex 10 times a year. She does not like to kiss.

 

Yet, I say she is a great woman and I respect her. People have needs. I am in neglect. I do not feel good about the situation. I am not enjoying it per se.

 

She does not even think there are any problems, that is why we have another one on the way. She loves me immensely, and I love her. However we are more cordial roommates than lovers. I think you should always be in love with your spouse and should build your life together based on common interests. We do not do anything together, other than family activities.

 

I am going to get both of us help to try to rebuild our marriage. I am not blaming her or me. People can just grow apart. It is as simple as that.

 

You cannot see a few of my posts and even get 1% of the overall picture. You do not live under my roof and walk in my shoes, and I do not in yours. So anything other than objective and constructive comments is silly. Simply stating that someone "cheating, or lying" is evil and completely wrong and rotten is silly. I am thinking some or most of the people who post on here are jilted and jaded ex-wives. I am not sure.

 

I want my marriage to work out. I want my wife to be happy. She cannot be happy. We have failed to communicate for a long period of time and this is why we are in this situation. I am going to let the baby come, and I am going to get all of this (minus OW info, because it is irrelevant) and see if we can rebuild and get that spark back.. If not, I will move on. I cannot settle. She deserves more. I deserve more. It will be with or without OW.

just wait, by the time they are done with you you will be tripping with guilt. They work together, hoping to save at least one ws, if not their own. Good luck to you

 

Geez Mino, that's not very nice. I agree with everything they said and would have posted the same advice had I joined the thread earlier. I am not a BS. Why are you so against BS? I don't get it.

While there are a few individuals who have posted some worthy responses, the bashing and the simple attitudes against the act are astounding..

 

I am not arrogant or full of deceit. Things happen in life for various reasons. My wife is a quality person, but we have grown apart. We do nothing together. We are separate at parties. We have never taken a trip. We have sex 10 times a year. She does not like to kiss.

 

Yet, I say she is a great woman and I respect her. People have needs. I am in neglect. I do not feel good about the situation. I am not enjoying it per se.

 

She does not even think there are any problems, that is why we have another one on the way. She loves me immensely, and I love her. However we are more cordial roommates than lovers. I think you should always be in love with your spouse and should build your life together based on common interests. We do not do anything together, other than family activities.

 

I am going to get both of us help to try to rebuild our marriage. I am not blaming her or me. People can just grow apart. It is as simple as that.

 

You cannot see a few of my posts and even get 1% of the overall picture. You do not live under my roof and walk in my shoes, and I do not in yours. So anything other than objective and constructive comments is silly. Simply stating that someone "cheating, or lying" is evil and completely wrong and rotten is silly. I am thinking some or most of the people who post on here are jilted and jaded ex-wives. I am not sure.

 

I want my marriage to work out. I want my wife to be happy. She cannot be happy. We have failed to communicate for a long period of time and this is why we are in this situation. I am going to let the baby come, and I am going to get all of this (minus OW info, because it is irrelevant) and see if we can rebuild and get that spark back.. If not, I will move on. I cannot settle. She deserves more. I deserve more. It will be with or without OW.

 

IMHO you can never reconcile your marriage without admitting to yourself (at least!!) that you had an affair and that was wrong. Nor can you make your wife happy by lying to her and deceiving her... you will have to man up, and you don't seem capable of doing that.

 

The OW info is certainly not irrelevant... it matters to you, your wife, and the OW. I don't understand how you come to an OW forum and say the OW is irrelevant and you are going to work on things with your wife. Where are all the OW who yell at ME for not "supporting" OW when I try to get them to see reality? This is reality people: the classic selfish cake-eating MM, here you go, you have him. Yell at him for not "supporting" OW and for people like his OW who let themselves be part of this horrific mess.

Edited January 7, 2008 by nadiaj2727

I want my marriage to work out. I want my wife to be happy. She cannot be happy. We have failed to communicate for a long period of time and this is why we are in this situation. I am going to let the baby come, and I am going to get all of this (minus OW info, because it is irrelevant) and see if we can rebuild and get that spark back.. If not, I will move on. I cannot settle. She deserves more. I deserve more. It will be with or without OW.

 

I'm sorry, but this plan is along the same lines of what is making you come off superior sounding. If you want REALLY WANT to fix your communication issue with your wife, you cannot decide beforehand what she does and doesn't need to know about what is going wrong in this relationship. It is her relationship too and if you know she is also unhappy then you need to give her all the info she needs to decide if she wants to make this work too. Your OW is only irrelevant because YOU think it is and YOU don't want to confess. But I'm betting your wife would not find it irrelevant. If you get to decide what she knows then you are treating her like one of your children. You can't do that and claim you love her while showing this much disrespect for her. She might not want to settle for you if she knows about the OW and then you won't have to worry about if you are settling or not.

 

Why do you feel like you should be the only one who knows what has happened?

 

I know you probably won't respond to this because you will feel like it is just more bashing, but I think you need to examine your motives before heading into a therapist's office. If you continue to lie to your wife and then pay someone to waste their time while you lie to them as well, what is the point? You still can't say what it is you want.

I want my marriage to work out. I want my wife to be happy. She cannot be happy. We have failed to communicate for a long period of time and this is why we are in this situation. I am going to let the baby come, and I am going to get all of this (minus OW info, because it is irrelevant) and see if we can rebuild and get that spark back.. If not, I will move on. I cannot settle. She deserves more. I deserve more. It will be with or without OW.

 

You end it with the OW completely, and I mean NO CONTACT at all, make sure the OW knows this too - THEN you can work on your marriage. It WILL NOT work one bit if the OW is still lurking around.

 

Then, get to marriage counselling and do everything possible to learn to listen, to communicate, to be understanding, to compromise, just like your wife will have to do the same. If you BOTH want to do ALL the work required to make your marriage happier and bring back passion, then it can work. Again, if the OW is quietly put on hold and you think about going back to her while working on your marriage, well, the effort is based on a big fat lie..

 

Good luck.

 

Another thing, yes, some are harsh, but MOST of the advice you've been given has been heartfelt, honest and in hopes that you will wake up out of your affairyland fog and see the reality here. You have not seen "rude or mean" posts on your thread. Trust me on that one, you've just been given harsh advice.

Good advice

While there are a few individuals who have posted some worthy responses, the bashing and the simple attitudes against the act are astounding..

 

I am not arrogant or full of deceit. Things happen in life for various reasons. My wife is a quality person, but we have grown apart. We do nothing together. We are separate at parties. We have never taken a trip. We have sex 10 times a year. She does not like to kiss.

 

Yet, I say she is a great woman and I respect her. People have needs. I am in neglect. I do not feel good about the situation. I am not enjoying it per se.

 

She does not even think there are any problems, that is why we have another one on the way. She loves me immensely, and I love her. However we are more cordial roommates than lovers. I think you should always be in love with your spouse and should build your life together based on common interests. We do not do anything together, other than family activities.

 

I am going to get both of us help to try to rebuild our marriage. I am not blaming her or me. People can just grow apart. It is as simple as that.

 

You cannot see a few of my posts and even get 1% of the overall picture. You do not live under my roof and walk in my shoes, and I do not in yours. So anything other than objective and constructive comments is silly. Simply stating that someone "cheating, or lying" is evil and completely wrong and rotten is silly. I am thinking some or most of the people who post on here are jilted and jaded ex-wives. I am not sure.

 

I want my marriage to work out. I want my wife to be happy. She cannot be happy. We have failed to communicate for a long period of time and this is why we are in this situation. I am going to let the baby come, and I am going to get all of this (minus OW info, because it is irrelevant) and see if we can rebuild and get that spark back.. If not, I will move on. I cannot settle. She deserves more. I deserve more. It will be with or without OW.

 

 

 

I am never going to advocate cheating, and God please forgive me, but this is a case where I hope she has someone on the side that irrelevant and getting the job done.

MC, I am an OW and I have no issues with affairs, so my input is not coming from a premise that any affair and anyone involved in one is "evil". But some of the things in your post do concern me:

 

You say you of your wife:

she is a great woman and I respect her.

but having an A with an OW on the side is NOT respecting her. Perhaps you respect her in other ways and at other times but you need to be honest that in this, the A, you are treating her with disrespect and that your respect for her is then not a straightforward matter. It's not respect, it's respectbut. I'm not saying it's not justified or understandable that you feel as you do - that's for you to judge, not me - but I am asking that you be honest about WHAT it is you feel.

 

You also say

I want my wife to be happy. She cannot be happy. We have failed to communicate for a long period of time and this is why we are in this situation.

but yet

She does not even think there are any problems, that is why we have another one on the way. She loves me immensely, and I love her.

 

If she really does not think there are any problems, why do you think she cannot be happy? I think this is why people are accusing you of being arrogant - you are making assumptions on your wife's behalf based on your reading of her and her reactions - or at least, that is how you are presenting it here. You may well have spoken to her and she may well have told you "I am not happy, we have failed to communicate for a long time" and she may have told you "I don't have any problems with the way things are in the M" but then you yourself would have picked up the contradictions in what she was saying. So to me, as to most people reading the thread I suspect, at best only one of those two statements could be based on words she's said to you, and the other on your supposition. And, by your own admission, you've grown apart - so your reading of her may be as susceptible to misplaced assumption as her reading of you.

 

MC I can't speak for your OW or what she wants or expects (based on what you've told her). Is she comfortable with being Plan B? Is she OK to be put on hold in this way? I hope that you are not disrespecting BOTH of these women?

My wife has found out about my affair. One month into it. I was nailed by toll records and a mishap with transponders.

 

She was crushed and devastated.

 

After a 2 day cooling off period. We talked through the entire thing. We sat down for six hours. We determined we still love each other. We got to the root of our 10 year marriage and 20 years together why we have drifted apart. I am not diminishing what I have done, or saying it is trivial. But she understands that I was lonely, and made a mistake. I am not a habitual cheater. I was approached by a beautiful, sensous and scandalous young woman who I admire and respect and I made a poor choice.

 

Now, I have made the choice to work it out mutually with my wife and not talk with the other woman. She understands and the OW also feels very responsible because she (and I) both knew better. She and I are equally at blame for this quagmire.

 

My wife understands that due to our lack of intimacy, only having sex 10 times per year in mid 30s, and never doing things together, having any commonalities outside of our kids and no vacations, etc... She never likes to kiss, caress, etc.

 

PLUS there is a plethora of little things that I have done (yes I am guilty too) to not improve our relationship....including having an affair.. That certainly does not help.

 

We have decided that we are going to work at fixing things. We have built a nice suburban life and great family around each other and it is far too much to throw away. We have lost touch with each others needs and neglected each other mutually for waay too long. This is really nobody's fault and I am actually glad I was caught, because the severity of things can now be addressed. I am grateful she is so understanding. I will work to build things back up.

Did you set it up to get caught or is it reaping what you have sowed. I hope your wife gets the counseling she is going to need to deal with this betrayel. God bless.

I think some people are more resilient and understanding than others. If she needs to, she can, or We can go get counseling....

 

If not she wont. I just do not like all the labeling and stereotyping that goes on. It does not have to be this big tragic thing.

 

I made a mistake. I am not a habitual cheater. I am not diminishing things but not EVERYONE is ready to hang themselves since they were betrayed.

 

I went 10 of my best years in a virtually sexless non romantic marriage...I am somewhat of a victim here. I am taking my lumps like a man, and we are fixing it.

My wife has found out about my affair. One month into it. I was nailed by toll records and a mishap with transponders.

 

She was crushed and devastated.

 

After a 2 day cooling off period. We talked through the entire thing. We sat down for six hours. We determined we still love each other. We got to the root of our 10 year marriage and 20 years together why we have drifted apart. I am not diminishing what I have done, or saying it is trivial. But she understands that I was lonely, and made a mistake. I am not a habitual cheater. I was approached by a beautiful, sensous and scandalous young woman who I admire and respect and I made a poor choice.

 

Now, I have made the choice to work it out mutually with my wife and not talk with the other woman. She understands and the OW also feels very responsible because she (and I) both knew better. She and I are equally at blame for this quagmire.

 

My wife understands that due to our lack of intimacy, only having sex 10 times per year in mid 30s, and never doing things together, having any commonalities outside of our kids and no vacations, etc... She never likes to kiss, caress, etc.

 

PLUS there is a plethora of little things that I have done (yes I am guilty too) to not improve our relationship....including having an affair.. That certainly does not help.

 

We have decided that we are going to work at fixing things. We have built a nice suburban life and great family around each other and it is far too much to throw away. We have lost touch with each others needs and neglected each other mutually for waay too long. This is really nobody's fault and I am actually glad I was caught, because the severity of things can now be addressed. I am grateful she is so understanding. I will work to build things back up.

 

You are lucky your wife is who she is. Most women would have dumped you out on your arse. Be grateful. You have a chance here hun. Don't stuff it up. You owe your wife.

I think some people are more resilient and understanding than others. If she needs to, she can, or We can go get counseling....

 

If not she wont. I just do not like all the labeling and stereotyping that goes on. It does not have to be this big tragic thing.

 

I made a mistake. I am not a habitual cheater. I am not diminishing things but not EVERYONE is ready to hang themselves since they were betrayed.

 

I went 10 of my best years in a virtually sexless non romantic marriage...I am somewhat of a victim here. I am taking my lumps like a man, and we are fixing it.

 

 

 

No you made a choice, and taking your lumps isn't that what a real man does anyway. It is kind of said that you don't see that lying,cheating and betraying isn't tragic. But oh well, the way you see the world is all in what glasses you are wearing.

I think some people are more resilient and understanding than others. If she needs to, she can, or We can go get counseling....

 

You BOTH should go in individual counselling. And go to marriage counselling.

I made a mistake. I am not a habitual cheater. I am not diminishing things but not EVERYONE is ready to hang themselves since they were betrayed.

 

Your wife JUST found out, give her time. You'd be surprised how quickly her emotions will change. Just don't tell her "noone is to blame here." You both are responsible for the state of your marriage, YOU are responsible for choosing to cheat. Take ownership and be accountable for your actions. The trust your wife had in you won't be the same, if ever again. You now need to be an open book and make sure your wife knows that the A is over completely and you can't be in contact with the OW. Not at all. No emails, calls, or seeing her.

i agree, except for the fact that we work together....

How closely do you work together?

 

Well, you need to talk to your wife and consider leaving your job. Yes, that's a consquence that you may have to pay by cheating, and getting involved with someone you work with.

 

Have you broken it off with the OW yet? Are you going to make sure she understands that you are infact focussing on your wife, fixing your marriage? And, are you prepared to have to be tough with her because she may not want to let you go?

 

Your wife needs to be the only apple in your eyes and honestly, how can you think your wife will fully trust you again when you see the OW every day at work, let alone probably talk to her.

If you are unhappy and things can not be worked out then just go. I have tried repeatedly to fix things with my wife and all it has done is cause us both more heart ache. I thank god that I have no children b/c that would have made the decision much more difficult. Good luck....

If you are unhappy and things can not be worked out then just go. I have tried repeatedly to fix things with my wife and all it has done is cause us both more heart ache. I thank god that I have no children b/c that would have made the decision much more difficult. Good luck....

 

Don't compare yours to his. He loves and adores his wife.

 

Back to the original poster. If you're working and seeing this OW every day, the likely hood of your marriage recovering is slim to none. You NEED to change job or lose your marriage/home. Which one is more important? You decide.

 

Yes, I know what you're thinking....."I can avoid the OW...I don't need to change job." You can't. You had sex with her. You just cannot pretend it never happened. Before you know it, you will be talking to her again and it will lead to more again and bang, you will be losing your family.

 

In case you're wondering about starting a "realtionship" with the OW, you should know that the chance of sucess is 1%....that's not me saying it, that's statistics. Can you be that lucky one percent, sure, wanna bet your current wife/family on it?

 

Think about a job change now or get ready to kiss your wife and the family that you built for years good-bye!

 

You think how devastated your wife is....but you have no idea and neither does she yet. It will take time for her to realize and time for her to heal and you owe it to her to make it up to her because you cheated. Can you imagine if the table was turned and your wife was the one who had sex with another man at his place?

Not saying one way or another.

 

As far as the job. I have attained my dream job in the public service industry. It is a job where I am set for life with a good job with a respectable income. There is unfortunately no way in hell I am leaving. That is just not possible.

 

If it went that way, I am sure the percentage is low but I am sure it is higher than 1% if I ended up with OW...... But for the record we are done anyways.

 

Also, nobody can take my kids away. I am a good man and a good dad. I am not a drunk or a deadbeat or a s substance abuser. I would have some amount of custody and see my kids as often or nearly as often.

 

Again, being the devils advocate....... Child support is not a punishment.... For three kids in Colorado it is 38%. My wife would not be entitled to any alimony as she has a college degree and has worked her entire life. She would not be entitled to any of my pension because I am not vested yet. She would get her 38% for three kids, which is what i would have been paying out in an unhappy marriage anyways. We would sell our house and I would get a fat check for my half of our 150K in equity we have.

 

So even after paying out 900 per month in child support... My income, plus the OW income... My financial situation would be better.. So I am not sure (again just being the devils advocate) that I would be throwing anything away, other than an unhappy marriage....IF it came down to that.

 

Again, OW is done. Outside of professional work. No texting, emailing, calling. She understands, is cool, and everything is fine. She'll be there if after counseling, my marriage falls apart but I am giving it a full effort.

 

If I can save my marriage, which has been abused for long term, and further damaged by my one time infidelity. Again, we mutually have screwed this up...... then my marriage will be stronger than ever.