I have a small crush on someone...and Im married

Its not like i wait for him to come in to work or find things purposely to be around him..its not like that at all. Or get excited when I see him...

Okay, so you're telling us a bunch of reasons why you don't have a crush on him, but I thought that you do have a crush on him, please try explaining what it is about him that you DO like.. why it is you have a crush on him.. if its not physical attraction and its not butterflys or excitement when you see him, what is it?

A Crush is an object of infatuation, so what is so infatuating about this guy?

So instead of razzing her about what she needs to do, we should be encouraging her to start distancing herself from this crush.

I know it's all about delivery, but aren't those pretty much the same thing?

When you refer to compulsive liars...isnt that out of there control because that is who they are..compulsive liars.

I wasn't referring to compulsive liars. But since you brought it up, am I reading you right that you are drawing an analogy between the antisocial behavior of a compulsive liar, who can't or won't control their behavior in spite of how it affects family, friends, and co-workers, and your flirting?

Hey, I'll take quank's suggestion and not razz you any more about it, but you said it, not me...

Oh i would never..and if he does say something out of line..i show him my ring..

I'm sure he noticed it long before the first time you intentionally waved it at him - single men are clueless about a lot of stuff, but they have a finely tuned radar that can pick up a diamond on a woman's left ring finger from 100 yards.

Anyway, I would think if the ring meant much to him, he wouldn't be continuing to flirt with you to the degree that you seem to describe. (And I'm basing this on your comment that his "feelings are more than a crush." He must have either told you or shown you that by his behavior, or both.) The fact that his feelings have gotten that far are just human nature - hey maybe your a hottie with a great personality. The fact that he continues his behavior towards you shows that he sure likes you, but it also implies that he doesn't hold your marriage in high regard.

BUT - having said all that, I re-read your OP and I acknowledge that you have not said that you see this as a problem, and only that you were looking to share. So...

My experience is from the other side - when I was younger (and single and unattached at the time,) there was a married woman at my workplace who was open and friendly with everyone, but she was a little extra flirty with me. A few comments here and there, a little double-entendre, some saucy innuendo. Always deniable, of course - anything she said could have easily been brushed off with a quick "Oh, I was just joking - that's just the kind of flirty person I am..." And it was.

But enough of it was targeted at me that I noticed. And OF COURSE I totally enjoyed it, as a young man getting attention, etc... I won't deny that for a minute!

Now she was attractive enough that, barring other constraints (like that whole pesky "marriage" thing...) I would have been quite willing to take a shot at taking it up a notch, but because of the marriage, I didn't allow myself to do so, and while I participated in the banter and flirting, kind of matching her level, I held myself back from becoming any more attracted, because I was clear that there was a marriage here, and that meant there was nothing there for me. Simple and obvious. So I enjoyed it for what it was.

But here's the thing: in retrospect, I had this vague sense, even at the time (although I only really processed it later, I think) like she was being a little disrespectful to her marriage. And, with the benefit of retrospect, although I wasn't a party to the marriage, I felt like I was, at best, close to the edge of showing disrespect, too. I also think that if I had crossed that line, if I had let more significant feelings of lust, attraction, whatever, develop, and especially if I had communicated that to her, that I would definitely be showing disrespect to the marriage.

Now, I'll admit, maybe a lot of this comes from the hindsight of 20 years of adult life, including a marriage born and died. I'll also admit that at the time it was an ego boost, and a titillating rush.

So I'm not saying you're definitely headed down the road to ruin (although it's certainly on your map, and within range of a tank of gas...) I'm just - respectfully, I hope - suggesting you consider whether you or your husband might (either now or later) see your behavior as disrespectful to your marriage, and, given that this guy has feelings that may be more significant than just an innocent crush, (and yet hasn't backed off even with the knowledge that you're married) whether you're doing the guy any favors by continuing the flirty status quo.

I'll ask again - how would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot and it was your husband posting about a woman from the office and doing the same things with her that you're doing with this guy?

Imagine your husband feeling, thinking and behaving as you are with some woman he works with every day.

 

Would it bother you to know he was flirting and that woman had feelings for him? Would it bother you to know he had a crush on her and continued to flirt with her every day? Would you like him to be more proactive in shutting it down?

OP I think you're feeling guilty. Yes, other married people have crushes. I personally think this is relatively normal, as long as it's mild and infrequent, but the flirting is another matter. Liking someone (crush) and then expressing that feeling through flirtatious behavior is potentially dangerous.

I've had a few crushes, but I made sure my behavior was above-board, that I never did or said anything that I wouldn't do/say in front of my h. Because I do not want to have to keep things from my h, or get myself into something I really don't want.

OP I think you're feeling guilty. Yes, other married people have crushes. I personally think this is relatively normal, as long as it's mild and infrequent, but the flirting is another matter. Liking someone (crush) and then expressing that feeling through flirtatious behavior is potentially dangerous.

I agree. You are feeling something, guilt (probably) and apparently something stronger.

You don't have to share your deepest feelings with anyone else, but be brutally honest with yourself and examine them, vis-a-vis this guy. Then, when you have done that, consider all the consequences of continuing on your course. Most importantly, realise that boundaries you set for yourself today you might persuade yourself to cross tomorrow.

Look back on how you have acted in the past and see where your predilections lie.

A "small crush" can lead to all sorts of things...many of them quite nice, but you must be prepared and, above all, know yourself. Think about what you might end up doing and do not be surprised by the potential consequences for all involved.

You need to stop this now before it grows. Imagine if your H was doing this. Would you be ok with it? Flirting will just cause it to grow. Go read the OW/OM threads, a lot started just like this. I' m not saying you are actively going after him but it seems like you are interested a little. You have put enough thought into this which has led you here(LS). Do not think that it is impossible for you to betray your H. All it takes is a rough part in your marriage and then BAM its all over.

I agree with the posters who say it's no big deal. Showing him the ring is a great way to shut it down, if he oversteps the mark. You can't change the person you are - nor should you have to! Your personality makes you unique, and flirting is a natural way to enjoy other people's company.

Just giving from a guys point of view but when a girl flirts with me and then throws out the boyfriend(I dont flirt with married girls) card; I dont take it serious. I just think shes playing hard to get.

Let me ask you, would he sleep with you if given the chance? If the answer is yes then you better stop.

Let me ask you, would he sleep with you if given the chance?

All guys think about sex about 95% of the time (the other 5% they're actually doing it), so your comment is simply not relevant.

Just giving from a guys point of view but when a girl flirts with me and then throws out the boyfriend(I dont flirt with married girls) card; I dont take it serious. I just think shes playing hard to get.

Can you clarify this? I think you're saying that even if she says she has a boyfriend (or waves the ring in the OP's case, although I know you don't go after MW...) that you don't take her "warning" seriously, assuming that she is just taunting you and expecting more?

If so, that's an interesting point. I wonder if the OP's co-worker is taking it that way. I can just see him saying, well, she waved her ring, but she's still flirting with me just the same as always. Mixed signal. I'll assume she's still encouraging my attentions - maybe I've got a shot here....

OP - I'm not necessarily among those who will warn you that the sky might be falling and that you might slip into an affair. That probably sounds absurd to you (although a lot of affair stories start out "I never would have thought...") But what if your boy-toy is thinking: mixed signals, hard-to-get, keep pursuing... And your flirting is just continuing to encourage that. If that were the case, would it concern you?

And I don't think you've addressed the question of how your husband would feel about this, if he knew. If it's all truly "innocent" on your part, then why not tell him just to help insulate yourself from any concerns about it coming up later...

All guys think about sex about 95% of the time (the other 5% they're actually doing it), so your comment is simply not relevant.

I very much disagree. Actually, I can go with the "thinking of sex 95% of the time" thing, (although I'd love to be anywhere in the single-digit percents as far as time spent doing it...)

But I disagree that the question is irrelevant. I've been around women I would LIKE to sleep with if I had the chance, who I've IMAGINED sleeping with if I had the chance, but with whom I WOULDN'T sleep, in reality, because, duh, they were married. That's the person I am. A marriage is a big, public, "Keep off the grass" sign that I respect.

The question is: what kind of a guy is the co-worker? That question is as relevant to the discussion as asking what kind of person the OP is.

OK, let me just clarify something.

Small crush might have been an overstatement.

You guys are making it seem like we touch each other or say..oh if i wasn't married..I'd take you in my back seat right now.

Its elementary school stuff. I'll come in to work and they'll be a note on my computer telling me Im ugly or I smell or he'll thrown something at me....corny things like that.

Now, he does do it to a lot of the girls in the office (me more though)...but yesterday this is what happened...

He came over to my desk and knocked my pen holder over...i was like what the eff..jokingly of course cause I really didn't care...he said..oh its like school..when you like someone you pull there hair and knock them down...Then i said..well My husband didn't have to do that to get me...just to keep reminding him.

Some people in the office purposely mess something up so they can go near hm etc.

He comes to me..I never start anything. I never carry on anything. I don't get excited when I see him. Its very trivial stuff. I love my husband very much.

Oh and FYI, he has a GF, but I think he is a VERY VERY flirtatious person as apposed to me who is pretty with a friendly personality.

Its very trivial stuff.

I agree. And you're handling it very well as it is. I really don't see any problem here.

Lots of people are playful, and life would be horribly sterile if nobody shared a laugh or a joke. Flirting is a natural part of a vivacious personality, and people on this thread are desperate to find red flags where there are none.

I agree. And you're handling it very well as it is. I really don't see any problem here.

 

Lots of people are playful, and life would be horribly sterile if nobody shared a laugh or a joke. Flirting is a natural part of a vivacious personality, and people on this thread are desperate to find red flags where there are none.

Ive noticed that a lot on this board....they make me to be the bad guy

Dumbledore, since she is married the question is relevant, just ask her H.

Trimmer, Im trying to say that when a woman flirts and then waves the ring it seems that she is still flirting. It does not come off as a warning because she goes back to flirting. Pretty much she comes off as teasing. Trust a lot of guys think a girl like that is capable of taking it to the next step.

Ihavenofreakinclue, I didn't for a second think that the two of you are all over each other. What I think is that this flirting has got you thinking about him in a inappropriate way. Even if you are barely thinking about him. He has obviously entered your mind enough that you are now seeking advice he on LS. Just ask yourself if your H would be ok with this?

A crush is just a crush and I wouldn't make more of it. Just don't go thinking of him outside of work and fantasizing what it would be like to be with him. Keep your heart off the table and keep things in perspective. Crushes are fun to have as long as that's what they are.

As for the flirting..If you are getting something out of it other than an ego feed (like you NEED to see this guy and have his attention, feelings are being felt) that's not good. But, if it's fun and just for laughs, I see no problem with it.

Keep the flirting light, not too sexual and not touchy/feely.

Dumbledore, since she is married the question is relevant, just ask her H.

 

Trimmer, Im trying to say that when a woman flirts and then waves the ring it seems that she is still flirting. It does not come off as a warning because she goes back to flirting. Pretty much she comes off as teasing. Trust a lot of guys think a girl like that is capable of taking it to the next step.

 

Ihavenofreakinclue, I didn't for a second think that the two of you are all over each other. What I think is that this flirting has got you thinking about him in a inappropriate way. Even if you are barely thinking about him. He has obviously entered your mind enough that you are now seeking advice he on LS. Just ask yourself if your H would be ok with this?

I think my husband would take it as innocent flirting because he knows i am a very friendly person..I dont think he would take it as Im falling in love with him.

My husband is very laid back and knows I love him to death so he know that hes the only one for me so if a guy were to hit on me...he would thank them cause I get to go home with him. Hes not a jealous person.

A crush is just a crush and I wouldn't make more of it. Just don't go thinking of him outside of work and fantasizing what it would be like to be with him. Keep your heart off the table and keep things in perspective. Crushes are fun to have as long as that's what they are.

 

As for the flirting..If you are getting something out of it other than an ego feed (like you NEED to see this guy and have his attention, feelings are being felt) that's not good. But, if it's fun and just for laughs, I see no problem with it.

 

Keep the flirting light, not too sexual and not touchy/feely.

I never think of him outside of work. The flirtation is very innocent. It is more for laughs than anything...

Just ask yourself if your H would be ok with this?

Why wouldn't he? There's nothing going on here. If he wasn't OK with it, then it would be a sign that he's terribly insecure - and I don't think for a minute that he's that sort of guy.

You guys are trying to invent drama where there is none.

I never think of him outside of work. The flirtation is very innocent. It is more for laughs than anything...

Then don't worry about it.

Everyone gets crushes and crushes make a person FEEL good about themselves. It's innocent and it's not like you're telling him how you feel.

Don't make more of it than it is. It's harmless banter that helps make the day more fun at work.

Im not trying to be forceful but if it really isn't that big of a deal then why are you seeking advice? Im just asking out of curiosity, not trying to push anything on you. The best advice I can give you is do not minimize this. Many affairs start out as something small and the people involved never thought it would happen. Im not saying you are going to end up in an affair, Im just pointing this out. Also do not assume that the other guy does not want to sleep with you. These little things like knocking things off desk, picking on each other, and teasing are just a few ways some of us flirt. When a guy flirts it is usually for a reason. There are a few girls I flirt with at work and a few I don't. The ones I flirt with are the ones I find attractive. Try to see the guy for who he really is and what he wants not how he makes you feel. He has already done something that has made you point out your ring so don't assume that he is just a "friend". Well, good luck.

If this is so harmless, why not tell your husband about it? As your spouse, don't you think he has some say in this?

Then don't worry about it.

 

Everyone gets crushes and crushes make a person FEEL good about themselves. It's innocent and it's not like you're telling him how you feel.

 

Don't make more of it than it is. It's harmless banter that helps make the day more fun at work.

Exactly. Life would be pretty boring if there was no playfulness.

Anyway, as was said before, the OP's husband isn't the insecure type. This is not going to bother him in the least, and he has full confidence in the OP to deal with things in her own way, and in her own time. Relationships are all about trust, and every little thing does not need to be micromanaged by committee.

Im not trying to be forceful but if it really isn't that big of a deal then why are you seeking advice? Im just asking out of curiosity, not trying to push anything on you. The best advice I can give you is do not minimize this. Many affairs start out as something small and the people involved never thought it would happen. Im not saying you are going to end up in an affair, Im just pointing this out. Also do not assume that the other guy does not want to sleep with you. These little things like knocking things off desk, picking on each other, and teasing are just a few ways some of us flirt. When a guy flirts it is usually for a reason. There are a few girls I flirt with at work and a few I don't. The ones I flirt with are the ones I find attractive. Try to see the guy for who he really is and what he wants not how he makes you feel. He has already done something that has made you point out your ring so don't assume that he is just a "friend". Well, good luck.

I was really just asking is it normal for a married woman to have a very innocent crush on someone...

Im not trying to be forceful but if it really isn't that big of a deal then why are you seeking advice?

Because obviously this is her first marriage and first time having a crush on someone while married. She wanted other people's thoughts on this and also wanted to know if anyone else has had crushes while married.