DDay#3...OM#4...Devestation

You are right Reggie. I need to concentrate on ME and my kiddos! It's just the person that I am...always trying to find answers and help.

I keep distancing myself from STBx. Still boggles my mind. Some days I'm better at moving forward than others.

Tomorrow is our 18th anniversary. Wow, wondeful gift she has given me...another OM and an STD!

Tomorrow is our 18th anniversary. Not planning on getting her anything or even saying, "happy Aniv"

Tonight we were going through financial stuff and we finished she got teary eyed. Said tomorrow is going to be hard. I just sat there and stared at her with that cold, "you did this to yourself" look.

She said, "you could show a little emotion..." and I said "this ain't easy for me either..." and just left it at that. Weight of this situation needs to sit firmly on her shoulders. Not mine. I did nothing wrong. I'm staying strong.

No sympathy from me. I'm moving forward.

when is she moving out ? and why hasn't she just rented a motel room by the week or decided to bunk at the hospital in the on call room till she can get a place?

Set to move out weekend of June 13th. Our Temp Order says she's got 30 days to find a new place to live. After she finds place to live Temp Order lets her sleep here four nights a month (weekends she has kiddos), but I DO NOT LEAVE, under no circumstances. I sleep here every night, period.

We both wanted to avoid standing before the judge for preliminary hearing, so we compromised on Temp Order. Saves us some bones ($) and keeps us working on getting through this with minimal attorneys costs.

Temp Order also sets up custody (joint legal, me with primary physical). It's steps in the right direction. Now we are just working on financial things -- child support and spousal support. I'm sure this is where things will get testy.

I woke up today feeling pretty angry and bitter. 18th anniversary and I was thinking back to all the times we shared and wondering just how many of those were "true."

Walked down stairs and there was a card left by STBx. It said "I'm so so sorry for everything, STBx" Just kind of pissed me off even more. Worked out today, really hit weights hard (tired) and then took kiddos to play at brothers school in gym. Fun times.

Thought to myself, "self, she did give you two wonderful kiddos...and you had good times throughout those 18 years...so look on the bright side today."

When we got home STBx was there and I tried to play nice. She got a little teary eyed and I just let her. I was civil and even chatty at the baseball game (daugher plays in boys league...and kicks their tail!). We all rode together, which was okay.

Her tears now have NO power over me. I just look at her and think, "is this another lie?"

Tonight after the kids were in bed we had a little chat. I said some days I'm angry and want to verbally tear in to her. Other days I don't even care. Other days I can be around her and talk. I talked about the lies the past two years, looking back on pictures and wondering if that was really her? Thought back over the 18 years and really enjoyed our time together. But these revelations about OM#4, the lies, those really ripped my heart out. She cried. I felt nothing.

She really didn't say much. Said she wanted me to hug her, which I said was not good idea right now. Said she wants me to forgive her at some point in time...I said it's going to take a LONG time to get there. Lots of emotion on her part, not much on mine. I continue to be cool as cucumber and not let her under my skin.

Today was my last anniversary with STBx. Before she headed up to bed I said, "happy last anniverary..." She said same. I sensed her wanting a hug, but there was no way I was going down that road. *must keep distance*

I continue to move forward, looking out for my dear-daughters and myself. Some days it's harder than others. Some days I'm okay. I will remain strong...

dnu1,i will say this you're one strong sum bi#ch,you rock.

Avoid the hugs. My first wife, a serial chaeter and NPD, was always asking for them after D-day. Made my skin crawl.

It's almost like they do not comprehend the severity of their betrayals. I mean, would you hug someone who stole from you and your family? I'll never understand what goes through their minds. The high functioning ones(my wife was magna cum in law school) are highly skilled at manipulation like this. Then, when you are starting to trust them, they will stab youin the back againand not blink an eye.

Thanks Reggie: No hugs, period. I don't even want to touch her in any way. Told her at one point last nigth, "I cannot believe a single word that comes out of your mouth." She understood.

I'm not here to bash her, I'm just telling my feelings as of today. Could we be civil, cordial and friendly some day? I don't know. I guess it depends on how ugly the rest of this divorce gets.

If she pulls out the claws, battles, argues over every penny, tries to dig up crap on me (no skeletons in my closet!), makes crap up about me, lies more, etc...then my interaction with her will be minimal for the remainder of my life.

I just hope she is telling the truth right now and not yanking me around. I hope the tears and emotion and feelings she is expressing are the truth. But frankly I'm guarded...and will continue to be guarded until papers are signed.

Thanks Reggie: No hugs, period. I don't even want to touch her in any way. Told her at one point last nigth, "I cannot believe a single word that comes out of your mouth." She understood.

 

I'm not here to bash her, I'm just telling my feelings as of today. Could we be civil, cordial and friendly some day? I don't know. I guess it depends on how ugly the rest of this divorce gets.

 

If she pulls out the claws, battles, argues over every penny, tries to dig up crap on me (no skeletons in my closet!), makes crap up about me, lies more, etc...then my interaction with her will be minimal for the remainder of my life.

 

I just hope she is telling the truth right now and not yanking me around. I hope the tears and emotion and feelings she is expressing are the truth. But frankly I'm guarded...and will continue to be guarded until papers are signed.

You need to be careful and always future focused with your requests for fiscal supports. Obviously you and the kids need and are entitled to support.

However, the job of a good lawyer on either side is to ensure that the support payor has enough left over to survive and that they don't agree to impossible to keep up payments sheerly out of guilt.

You walk a fine line, you need and deserve support but you don't want to take so much that she cannot continue to invest in her practice, nor do you wish to take so much that she see's no point in working harder to earn or to invest more. Child support/alimony orders of heavy hitter breadwinners can be reviewed every couple of years. Your goal should be to keep the kids and yourself stable but to also keep the golden goose healthy enough that she'll continue to lay more and more eggs.

I pay alimony Dnu1 because my ex was a house husband (no kids) and the amount is hefty enough that I've lost any motivation to work more or to do anything to generate more money.. why bother? so he and his lawyer can haul me back in to find more ways to nickle and dime, working more will only result in me owing more and in increased legal costs so I figure why bother?

The court can and did make me give him half of everything, they can and did order me to pay him generous support, they can and did order me to provide him with health insurance and to make his co-pays. They cannot however order me to work more hours, to take side or contract work nor can they order me to invest more all for the sole purpose of generating more money for my ex and his lawyer. If he and his legal mouth piece had been a little more reasonable he 'd be looking at possibly more money in future years but they shot themselves in the foot.

Thanks Reggie: No hugs, period. I don't even want to touch her in any way. Told her at one point last nigth, "I cannot believe a single word that comes out of your mouth." She understood.

 

I'm not here to bash her, I'm just telling my feelings as of today. Could we be civil, cordial and friendly some day? I don't know. I guess it depends on how ugly the rest of this divorce gets.

 

If she pulls out the claws, battles, argues over every penny, tries to dig up crap on me (no skeletons in my closet!), makes crap up about me, lies more, etc...then my interaction with her will be minimal for the remainder of my life.

 

I just hope she is telling the truth right now and not yanking me around. I hope the tears and emotion and feelings she is expressing are the truth. But frankly I'm guarded...and will continue to be guarded until papers are signed.

You need to be careful and always future focused with your requests for fiscal supports. Obviously you and the kids need and are entitled to support.

However, the job of a good lawyer on either side is to ensure that the support payor has enough left over to survive and that they don't agree to impossible to keep up payments sheerly out of guilt.

You walk a fine line, you need and deserve support but you don't want to take so much that she cannot continue to invest in her practice, nor do you wish to take so much that she see's no point in working harder to earn or to invest more. Child support/alimony orders of heavy hitter breadwinners can be reviewed every couple of years. Your goal should be to keep the kids and yourself stable but to also keep the golden goose healthy enough that she'll continue to lay more and more eggs.

I pay alimony Dnu1 because my ex was a house husband (no kids) and the amount is hefty enough that I've lost any motivation to work more or to do anything to generate more money.. why bother? so he and his lawyer can haul me back in to find more ways to nickle and dime, working more will only result in me owing more and in increased legal costs so I figure why bother?

Thanks Reggie: No hugs, period. I don't even want to touch her in any way. Told her at one point last nigth, "I cannot believe a single word that comes out of your mouth." She understood.

 

I'm not here to bash her, I'm just telling my feelings as of today. Could we be civil, cordial and friendly some day? I don't know. I guess it depends on how ugly the rest of this divorce gets.

 

If she pulls out the claws, battles, argues over every penny, tries to dig up crap on me (no skeletons in my closet!), makes crap up about me, lies more, etc...then my interaction with her will be minimal for the remainder of my life.

 

I just hope she is telling the truth right now and not yanking me around. I hope the tears and emotion and feelings she is expressing are the truth. But frankly I'm guarded...and will continue to be guarded until papers are signed.

You need to be careful and always future focused with your requests for fiscal supports. Obviously you and the kids need and are entitled to support.

However, the job of a good lawyer on either side is to ensure that the support payor has enough left over to survive and that they don't agree to impossible to keep up payments sheerly out of guilt.

You walk a fine line, you need and deserve support but you don't want to take so much that she cannot continue to invest in her practice, nor do you wish to take so much that she see's no point in working harder to earn or to invest more. Child support/alimony orders of heavy hitter breadwinners can be reviewed every couple of years. Your goal should be to keep the kids and yourself stable but to also keep the golden goose healthy enough that she'll continue to lay more and more eggs.

I pay alimony Dnu1 because my ex was a house husband (no kids) and the amount is hefty enough that I've lost any motivation to work more or to do anything to generate more money.. why bother? so he and his lawyer can haul me back in to find more ways to nickle and dime, working more will only result in me owing more and in increased legal costs so I figure why bother?

Thanks soserious. Appreciate the wisdom. I've always said "fair and equitable" and I'm sticking with that plan.

Just curious, since she is so remorseful.. has she hit bottom? Has she decided for herself that she is going to counseling or to get help for her problem?

Update: *GOOD NEWS!!!*

Wife got her results from STD testing back...and she was negative all across the board! Why is that good...Doc talked to infectious disease specialist and explained to me this way.

If wife had come back positive, then we knew where I got STD. REmember, I have been with no one else. Since she came back negative for genital herpes he got to digging more.

Found out that the testing somtimes had hard time differentiating between HSV-1 (mouth cold sores) and HSV-2 (genital herpes). If someone has a high number of HSV-1 antibodies (like I do...I've had cold sores since I was a kid), it sometimes spills over in to the HSV-2 results. Meaning I got a false-positive result for genital herpes!

Houray! No STDs in my world!

I asked Doc again to clarify more, and he assurs me that if my STBx tested negative for HSV-2, and I haven't been with anyone else, and neither of us have had an outbreak, then I'm a clean man!

Touchdown! Score! Home Run! Best news I've heard in a long time. So life is just a little better today. Not that I'm going to hug my STBx any time soon, but I'm just happy I'm a clean man!

Happy to hear.....

You may be confusing self pity with remorse.

That's what I'm saying, if she was remoreseful her actions would show it, by admitting her personality issues and get counseling for it. Right now she is the wounded little girl looking for daddy to give her a hug and let her know everything is will be ok.

Good chance she had a really rough childhood with either abuse or abandonment.

Update: *GOOD NEWS!!!*

Wife got her results from STD testing back...and she was negative all across the board! Why is that good...Doc talked to infectious disease specialist and explained to me this way.

 

If wife had come back positive, then we knew where I got STD. REmember, I have been with no one else. Since she came back negative for genital herpes he got to digging more.

 

Found out that the testing somtimes had hard time differentiating between HSV-1 (mouth cold sores) and HSV-2 (genital herpes). If someone has a high number of HSV-1 antibodies (like I do...I've had cold sores since I was a kid), it sometimes spills over in to the HSV-2 results. Meaning I got a false-positive result for genital herpes!

 

Houray! No STDs in my world!

 

I asked Doc again to clarify more, and he assurs me that if my STBx tested negative for HSV-2, and I haven't been with anyone else, and neither of us have had an outbreak, then I'm a clean man!

 

Touchdown! Score! Home Run! Best news I've heard in a long time. So life is just a little better today. Not that I'm going to hug my STBx any time soon, but I'm just happy I'm a clean man!

I swear I knew this was going to happen..LOL. On to dating!

Just curious, since she is so remorseful.. has she hit bottom? Has she decided for herself that she is going to counseling or to get help for her problem?

I don't think anywhere near rock-bottom. She's been to counselor probably 5 times in past three weeks.

She told me tonight about some memories of her father's alcoholism when she was 3-4th grade. Some physical abuse towards her mother. Her mom having talks with STBx about what they would do as single mom with three kids if marriage didn't work out. Even talked about a few instances where her drunk dad got after my STBx.

And the amazing this is SHE NEVER TOLD ME THESE THINGS BEFORE!

Child of an alcoholic. Fits her MO...hide the bad, push it deep down inside and wait for it to go away.

Yet she can be so loving and caring some times. Deep, deep psychological issues inside that woman.

And the lying...that's the worst part. That was the deal-breaker. The lies.

I'm not trying to discourage you, but did you actually see the test results for yourself? If you're in the clear, then I'm very happy for you.

I'm not trying to discourage you, but did you actually see the test results for yourself? If you're in the clear, then I'm very happy for you.

Yes, saw her test results. And understand that STBx and I share the same family Doc. He actually called me BEFORE my STBx did.

Doc has been very helpful and supportive throughout this whole STD thing.

Women damaged such as her, have a huge insecurity issue. As soon as they feel neglected in the least way, they look for it in someone else. I was raised by a great family, however my ex-fiancee and my wife (another woman) both came from families where alcoholism, abuse and neglect were there.

I often find myself the emotional punching bag because of their past. They have a tendency of doing that because they don't even dare think about doing something like that to their fathers. They take out their agression on someone they feel is stable, even though they wouldn't admit to it.

Glad she is going to counseling, she needs to continue to go. With the right help you would probably see a totally different woman in her by the next year.

It's not an excuse for what she's done and she has alot of growing up to do. Often marriages such as yours (parent-child relationship) don't work. These kind of marriages are not on an even level. The child will rebel against the parent (such as your wife rebelling against you and her vows).

Glad you aren't screaming and yelling at her, though I don't know her it could put her over the edge. Abused people often become abusers, which she has both verbally and emotionally. This is something she needs to work out, this is the root of her problems. Pull out that root and the weed dies. All the crap that she is putting on you will eventually disappear. However it takes a long time, but at least she is taking the steps towards it.

In the mean time start setting goals for yourself, start working on the healing and more importantly moving forward.

I don't think anywhere near rock-bottom. She's been to counselor probably 5 times in past three weeks.

 

She told me tonight about some memories of her father's alcoholism when she was 3-4th grade. Some physical abuse towards her mother. Her mom having talks with STBx about what they would do as single mom with three kids if marriage didn't work out. Even talked about a few instances where her drunk dad got after my STBx.

 

And the amazing this is SHE NEVER TOLD ME THESE THINGS BEFORE!

 

Child of an alcoholic. Fits her MO...hide the bad, push it deep down inside and wait for it to go away.

 

Yet she can be so loving and caring some times. Deep, deep psychological issues inside that woman.

 

And the lying...that's the worst part. That was the deal-breaker. The lies.

Women damaged such as her, have a huge insecurity issue. As soon as they feel neglected in the least way, they look for it in someone else...

 

In the mean time start setting goals for yourself, start working on the healing and more importantly moving forward.

Thanks for the words jmargel. I think you have hit the nail on the head here! Insecurity issue, self-esteem issue, childhood issues, communication issues...yep. All demons my STBx is fighting with right now.

I think my brother hit on this last night...and it's also nail-on-head wisdom: STBx has always put her feelings and emotions in a box, locked it away and just hoped the problem would *go away.* Her indecisiveness paralyzes (sp?) her. She waits for others to make decisions for her. Or simply waits for the problem to go away.

Upset with me because felt I was neglecting her...but wouldn't / couldn't confront...just waited for it to go away. Wounds fester, neglect grows...DrX OM comes in showing her attention...BAM, affair. But never ends because she can't make decision. It continues.

Then OM#3 walks into picture last summer. Again, feels neglected by me, OM shows interest...she falls for him. When he dumps her she's upset, gets on anti-Ds, moves back towards me, but DrX still in picture. She can't decide what to do. So does nothing. No decision.

DrX still flirting (definatley an EA, probalby still PA). I'm working my tail off to recover marriage, but STBx can't make decision to tell me about DrX or break clean from him. Indecisive.

And the part that I still don't understand is the flat out, academy award winning ability to LIE to my face (WTF?).

Need to run..more later...

Yes, saw her test results. And understand that STBx and I share the same family Doc. He actually called me BEFORE my STBx did.

 

Doc has been very helpful and supportive throughout this whole STD thing.

Your doctor discussed your STBX's test results to YOU? That's strange. That's a violation to her privacy.

Tami, bingo!! Dude, If what you say is true, then your doc violated federal law (right to Privacy act) and could be prosecuted. I don't care if you are man and wife, or parent and adult child. He can never tell you about the records and/or treatment of another person. My wife has been a Medical Records Accountant for 20 years, and says it just is not done, period.

BTW, The Doctor can't tell you , EVEN IF YOUR WIFE SAYS IT'S OK.