Did my ex turn into a jerk??? what do you think

For those of you who haven't been following my story.... My ex is one of those "friends with everyone" types. Very social, always wanting to be there for people, always the one people come to for advice. Well anyway, he broke up with me and said he'd always be there for me (just not in "that way") and he tried to be my friend. I was SO devastated by the breakup that I was in a living hell for over a month. After several days of the "friends" thing I decided to cut contact, then re-initiated it because I feared I made a mistake by not talking to him. At that point he said he felt "hurt and betrayed" by my disappearance.. but he began talking to me again (although was more distant the second time around). Clearly I hadn't moved on and after drunk texting him one night I decided to cut contact again (after sending a heartfelt message and blocking him from facebook). Once again I decided to contact him with a more clear-headed message, then unblocked him from facebook.

Now.... I'm transferring to his school next year (DEFINITELY not for him... I actually LOVE the school and already have a bunch of other friends there) so I went to a campus preview event this past weekend. Prior to that he had gotten a lot more distant from me. Once I arrived he was keeping his distance... Yet we ended up making out in a dance club, then again while talking one evening. That was after I decided to pour my heart out and tell him how much he meant to me and how hard the breakup had been. He became very affectionate at that point, and although he had to leave for a meeting, he said maybe we could hang out when he got back (at around 2am because he had to go to a fraternity thing).

He got back and we texted a few times. I was weak and told him he could come to the room I was in if he wanted to hang out. After a little bit he said he was going to bed... then suddenly I get a text from him telling me to come to his room, and that there was "no point in us both being alone when it's not necessary." So of course I go over there... he seems kind of weird/nervous and I initiate things.. and we do it. After that I asked what he was thinking.. he got kinda cold and said "sleep". I said maybe we should talk about all this later and he said ya... The next morning he was still distant, then remained distant/cold for the remainder of the day. I texted him suggesting we talk this over before I leave his town, he ignores. I finally had to leave and left a note for him before I went.. the note said that I valued the memories... that I wasn't sure why he invited me to his room but it was nice to see a bit of the guy I originally fell for.... that I was sad because I missed him quite a bit and things weren't the same without him... told him despite all this I had no expectations... offered to be in his life if he was interested... said I'd add him back to facebook and hoped he'd accept... said I'd be here for him.

Came home, found myself blocked from facebook. My brother thinks I've been used. I'm not sure was to think. Is there any possibility that he just totally freaked out and realized we cant be in each other's lives right now and then blocked me.. or did he really just want to dump me off like used underwear? And if so, is it possible that I made him act like a jerk just to me... or has he been a closet jerk all along??????? This had been a distance relationship and I only saw him about 3 times in person (anywhere from a few days to a week at a time) and the rest of the time was primarily texting. Thoughts...

I have written to you about this before, and I still think the same. I know why you are more of less asking the same question. I have done the same. You want explanations, but if you are honest also, you want to find some hope in your situation. And yes, maybe there is hope, but I think it is very dicey. The fact is, he still cares about you, you went over there, you were around, you wanted to sleep in his room!...even initially (i know you then were going to stay in a girls room and then he asked you to change your mind), so you put yourself in that situation...yes he could have said 'no'... he could have pushed you away... but it wasn't totally his fault... it was your fault for putting yourself in that situation. And I know you are looking to blame him, but he is no more at fault than you are. Just accept that while he might still have feelings for you, and he might miss you every day, he has decided he doesn't want to be with you.

That is the harsh truth of the situation. The problem is, and you are aware of this, i'm sure...you know that when you transfer to his school, you are always going to hope/verging on expect, to get back with him. You can say you don't/won't, but you know you want to be with him so much, that it will continue to happen. I feel sorry for you that you are in this situation, it is exactly the same as the one i'm in. Not sure what really to suggest.

For those of you who haven't been following my story.... My ex is one of those "friends with everyone" types. Very social, always wanting to be there for people, always the one people come to for advice. Well anyway, he broke up with me and said he'd always be there for me (just not in "that way") and he tried to be my friend. I was SO devastated by the breakup that I was in a living hell for over a month. After several days of the "friends" thing I decided to cut contact, then re-initiated it because I feared I made a mistake by not talking to him. At that point he said he felt "hurt and betrayed" by my disappearance.. but he began talking to me again (although was more distant the second time around). Clearly I hadn't moved on and after drunk texting him one night I decided to cut contact again (after sending a heartfelt message and blocking him from facebook). Once again I decided to contact him with a more clear-headed message, then unblocked him from facebook.

 

Now.... I'm transferring to his school next year (DEFINITELY not for him... I actually LOVE the school and already have a bunch of other friends there) so I went to a campus preview event this past weekend. Prior to that he had gotten a lot more distant from me. Once I arrived he was keeping his distance... Yet we ended up making out in a dance club, then again while talking one evening. That was after I decided to pour my heart out and tell him how much he meant to me and how hard the breakup had been. He became very affectionate at that point, and although he had to leave for a meeting, he said maybe we could hang out when he got back (at around 2am because he had to go to a fraternity thing).

 

He got back and we texted a few times. I was weak and told him he could come to the room I was in if he wanted to hang out. After a little bit he said he was going to bed... then suddenly I get a text from him telling me to come to his room, and that there was "no point in us both being alone when it's not necessary." So of course I go over there... he seems kind of weird/nervous and I initiate things.. and we do it. After that I asked what he was thinking.. he got kinda cold and said "sleep". I said maybe we should talk about all this later and he said ya... The next morning he was still distant, then remained distant/cold for the remainder of the day. I texted him suggesting we talk this over before I leave his town, he ignores. I finally had to leave and left a note for him before I went.. the note said that I valued the memories... that I wasn't sure why he invited me to his room but it was nice to see a bit of the guy I originally fell for.... that I was sad because I missed him quite a bit and things weren't the same without him... told him despite all this I had no expectations... offered to be in his life if he was interested... said I'd add him back to facebook and hoped he'd accept... said I'd be here for him.

 

Came home, found myself blocked from facebook. My brother thinks I've been used. I'm not sure was to think. Is there any possibility that he just totally freaked out and realized we cant be in each other's lives right now and then blocked me.. or did he really just want to dump me off like used underwear? And if so, is it possible that I made him act like a jerk just to me... or has he been a closet jerk all along??????? This had been a distance relationship and I only saw him about 3 times in person (anywhere from a few days to a week at a time) and the rest of the time was primarily texting. Thoughts...

You have got to be kidding me!

Girl you got used for some nookie. He made it perfectly clear that he wasn't interested in you yet you kept being clingy and nagging a guy who wasn't even your boyfriend and acting like a door mat and making yourself completely available for whatever he wanted from you so he did what any red blooded American frat boy would do. Who wouldn't take advantage of a no strings attached freebie like that? Did you think if you slept with him he would fall in love with you? I think you might be a bit too immature to be having a sexual relationship, I'm not sure you're ready to handle that much responsibility.

It doesn't even sound like you were his girlfriend in the first place, you saw the dude a total of 3 times. Do you really think that a college aged boy in a frat is only seeing you, especially when you're not there 75% of the time? I'm sorry but you are extremely naive and hopefully some positive will come out of this as a great lesson for you in the future. People will treat you accordingly to the way you act. You pretty much acted like you're willing to take any crumb he'll throw out to you. Lesson two you never ever ask "what are you thinking?" or say "let's talk about our relationship" after sleeping with someone, especially if you're not in a relationship with them. That's the easiest way to scare off a guy.

Ethan: At this point I don't actually think I'd want him back... so your theory may be a bit flawed. But thanks for the response.

Ilovecake: I agree. I was pretty much under his spell for the past 5 weeks until... well, until yesterday pretty much when everything finally became painfully clear. And you know what? I DO know guys that wouldn't have done what he did. I'm just.... I don't know what to think anymore.

How did I go from thinking he was the greatest thing since sliced bread to now thinking maybe he used me? To thinking maybe I should hate him??? And I'm still questioning whether he actually did still care (as Ethan is saying) or if I really was coldly used point blank.

It's because you didn't take the time to get to know him. That's what I meant when I said you are still naive. You will learn as you have relationships that people think of their own needs before tending to others. It’s human nature. He saw you as an easy, needy target and knew he could get you into the sack pretty easily. If you're going to sleep with someone you don't know you can not have any expectations or you will keep getting hurt. You can not connect with someone via text message you need to spend quality time with them. Did he actually ever introduce you to someone as his girlfriend? I bet he though this was a lot more casual than you did. It doesn’t mean he’s a jerk it just means he did not meet your expectations. You’re going off to school soon, you’ll meet someone much better and actually get the chance to develop a real relationship face to face. Just wait a few months, you're going to completely forget about this jerk.

The thing is... I really do believe that AT FIRST his intentions were very pure. He introduced me as his girlfriend to anyone that would listen... he made surprises for me (t-shirts... stuffed animals... etc). He had that look of love in his eyes AT ONE TIME... it was there. But something definitely changed (probably after a month or a month and a half). And yes, now he doesn't care. The thing was... I dont think either of us (especially him) was capable of actually WORKING on a relationship. When things started to feel different on his end he didnt try to work them out with me. He'd tell me to "stop worrying" and we never truly talked about what was going on.

And you're dead correct. We didn't truly get to know each other at all. Particularly once he started pledging the fraternity, that became his life. I wouldnt hear from him on the phone for a week and a half easy, and then I'd only hear from him on the phone because I requested he call. We'd still text each other every day... but you're right, how can you connect with random text messages???

Really I need to learn from my brother's relationship. He's 23 and has been with a girl for three months. They haven't slept together yet because they're taking things very slow... My brother tells me he is head over heels in love with her, as she is with him. And they have a wonderful bond.... they're VERY comfortable together and are like best friends. I realize that during my own relationship we never had enough time to truly know each other like my brother is doing with this girl. We jumped into things too soon... went too fast... he was too busy... I don't know who's "fault" it was. I guess both of us. But after a little while I;d begin to feel that he only got excited talking to me when it turned sexual. And that's when things really changed between us (yes, after probably one good month... whoop-dee-doo). You cant run a real relationship by sexting and sending a few messages a day just asking how the other is doing. I'm an idiot.

But I have a feeling I will look back on this as the greatest learning experience of my life to date... so nothing wasted.