Need some perspective

Ok so I think my relationship is pretty much doomed. My gf gave me an ultimatum today that I need to go to couples therapy or we are done. I did not appreciate the ultimatum and I do not think I've done anything wrong. In fact, I think I treat her pretty great. The problem is she feels smothered and controlled. I need some honest feedback. Maybe I have been but I doubt it. Here is the situation briefly:

I have had an issue with her interactions with other guys for most of our relationship. She has never once been supportive or understanding but everytime I express discomfort she gets ultra defensive and hostile. The first instance was her going out with some guy she met through a friend that I had never met bar hopping while I was out of town. I have since met the guy and he is harmless and I get along with him, but the circumstances were not ideal.

Next, Ever since she moved here with me she chats up certain guys on facebook constantly. This is not limited contact, but an almost daily occurence. Whenever she opens her email I see at least one email and up to 5 or 6 from this dude. She chats constantly on facebook with him and texts all the time too. I am talking like a novel's worth of text. After repeated exposure to this, I caved and snooped. I am ashamed but she left up her Skype convo and I just had to look. I did not like what I saw. This guy was obviously leeching and fawning all over her. I mean it was pretty blatent, telling her things like "I admire you so much" and "this is a safe place, you can confide in me" and a ton of other simlar comments. The thing that really bothered me is that she was informing him of all our relationship issues and made it seem like we were on the verge of breaking up. All comments about me were negative. What really pissed me off were comments she made about him being a sperm donor for her kid. He was also taking about how he likes to get get women off and she engaged him in that discussion.

Now, this is not the guy who she talks to constantly but some side validtaion thing. This other guy she literelly talks to every single day. I've tried to let it slide and I dropped a few comments here and there to let her know that it was bothering me but the communication has only increased. Lately she informed me that he was coming to vistit and initially I agreed to let him stay with us, but after thinking about it I had put up with enough and I told her I was uncomfortable with it and I didn't want him to stay with us. Of course she blew a gasket and sided with him and seemed way more concerned about how he would react than any of my concerns. In fact the first thing she mentioned was that she would just tell him he couldn't stay here because her bf wouldn't allow it.

I've also expressed discomfort with her meeting one of her exes and she first agreed not to see him after arguing with me for several days. Then several months later he comes into town and now she is adament about seeing him. I meant she basically told me to **** off when I expressed concern. I almost broke up with her right then and there but I went back on it. Maybe it was a mistake. She didn't go see him, but I later asked her if she did if because I asked her or because he didn't want to see her and she refused to answer the question. It seemed obvious that she would have done it despite my feelings.

There have been other issues too. The sex has been dwindling and she is very critical of me. I just can't seem to make sense of it. I'm sure everyone will think this is an obvious call and I'm being a doormat, but somehow I can't let this go. Am I being too insecure? Is this situation truly bad? Any advice is appreciated. I am concerned there is an emotional affair going on but she makes me seem like I am crazy for suggesting it.

You're not being insecure. She is disrespecting you and your relationship. She sounds like she wants to play the field. I would let her go. Go and invest your time with someone who won't disrespect you.

I agree with the above post. Tell her to get lost and find someone who does not have such a need to be with other guys. She is totally disrespecting you. Again if you do not respect yourself then who will? Why are you settling for this?

Thanks, I appreciate the responses

I'm pretty sure I know what needs to be done and that I should find someone better for me. This is my first time going through this crap so it is really really difficult to think clearly about it. If I was truly important to her she would have dropped those guys in a heartbeat, but she never did. I can't help but feel betrayed by her and it sucks.

You are better off without her in your life. Women like her are just poison and simply a waste of a man's time.

Ok so I think my relationship is pretty much doomed. My gf gave me an ultimatum today that I need to go to couples therapy or we are done. I did not appreciate the ultimatum and I do not think I've done anything wrong. In fact, I think I treat her pretty great. The problem is she feels smothered and controlled. I need some honest feedback. Maybe I have been but I doubt it. Here is the situation briefly:

 

I have had an issue with her interactions with other guys for most of our relationship. She has never once been supportive or understanding but everytime I express discomfort she gets ultra defensive and hostile. The first instance was her going out with some guy she met through a friend that I had never met bar hopping while I was out of town. I have since met the guy and he is harmless and I get along with him, but the circumstances were not ideal.

 

Next, Ever since she moved here with me she chats up certain guys on facebook constantly. This is not limited contact, but an almost daily occurence. Whenever she opens her email I see at least one email and up to 5 or 6 from this dude. She chats constantly on facebook with him and texts all the time too. I am talking like a novel's worth of text. After repeated exposure to this, I caved and snooped. I am ashamed but she left up her Skype convo and I just had to look. I did not like what I saw. This guy was obviously leeching and fawning all over her. I mean it was pretty blatent, telling her things like "I admire you so much" and "this is a safe place, you can confide in me" and a ton of other simlar comments. The thing that really bothered me is that she was informing him of all our relationship issues and made it seem like we were on the verge of breaking up. All comments about me were negative. What really pissed me off were comments she made about him being a sperm donor for her kid. He was also taking about how he likes to get get women off and she engaged him in that discussion.

 

Now, this is not the guy who she talks to constantly but some side validtaion thing. This other guy she literelly talks to every single day. I've tried to let it slide and I dropped a few comments here and there to let her know that it was bothering me but the communication has only increased. Lately she informed me that he was coming to vistit and initially I agreed to let him stay with us, but after thinking about it I had put up with enough and I told her I was uncomfortable with it and I didn't want him to stay with us. Of course she blew a gasket and sided with him and seemed way more concerned about how he would react than any of my concerns. In fact the first thing she mentioned was that she would just tell him he couldn't stay here because her bf wouldn't allow it.

 

I've also expressed discomfort with her meeting one of her exes and she first agreed not to see him after arguing with me for several days. Then several months later he comes into town and now she is adament about seeing him. I meant she basically told me to **** off when I expressed concern. I almost broke up with her right then and there but I went back on it. Maybe it was a mistake. She didn't go see him, but I later asked her if she did if because I asked her or because he didn't want to see her and she refused to answer the question. It seemed obvious that she would have done it despite my feelings.

 

There have been other issues too. The sex has been dwindling and she is very critical of me. I just can't seem to make sense of it. I'm sure everyone will think this is an obvious call and I'm being a doormat, but somehow I can't let this go. Am I being too insecure? Is this situation truly bad? Any advice is appreciated. I am concerned there is an emotional affair going on but she makes me seem like I am crazy for suggesting it.

Please leave the bitch.

Although our specific situations are different, I feel like our girlfriends are very similar in their behavior. We're in a similar boat man.. We need to stop letting ourselves get trampled on and our feelings disrespected. We need to stand up for ourselves. I know how hard it is, but you know what you need to do. There's a better match for you out there. There ARE good girls out there who know how to respect a relationship and make fair choices and sacrifices..

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this too cained. I think my gut feelings are pretty much being confirmed here. I can't believe I've been this blind for so long. I know my gf would have a different story and that everything is innocent chat, but it just feels wrong on a bunch of levels. And that amount of contact one guy is just shady, I don't care what the circumstances are. It turns out he just broke up with his gf too which of course I didn't hear of until she let it slip by accident yesterday.

I know she confided in at least two guys and undermined our relationship. Who knows how many others? She has tons of exes and I guess that should have been a warning sign. All she does is justify it and attack me for being insecure. I'm so tired of that BS.

I lost my cool last night after going out with some friends and woke her up and started yelling at her so I'm pretty sure the situation is not resolvable anyway. I couldn't hold it in anymore after thinking back about her behavior in the past.

You're not being insecure. She is disrespecting you and your relationship. She sounds like she wants to play the field. I would let her go. Go and invest your time with someone who won't disrespect you.

^^^^

This

She is insecure and selfish

If you stay with her, she WILL cheat on you. I'll bet the farm on that one.

Run Forest, Run.

Just thought I would post an update on this. Basically we had a long talk and are still together. Obviously there are warning signs here and I may end up regretting this later if I get burned, but I am willing to take the risk right now. She has cheated in her past when she was younger and I am aware of it.

She agreed to limit her contact and said I am always welcome to join her when she sees anyone. Regardless of that the guy is not staying with us and she will make up an excuse. I agreed to go to therapy.

My original post is a little skewed since I was very emotional when I wrote it. My gf has been very honest with me during our relationship and she does not actively hide things. She doesn't password protect her phone or email and often leaves them open. To her credit she has been more honest than I would like at times giving me very specific details about her past that I really didn't need to know. That being said, I do find her past behavior to be disrepectful and it is troubling that she gets so defensive and dismissive towards me.

I feel very strongly that the frequency of her contact with these other guys is undermining our relationship and she does not agree and says they are just friends . I also agree that I am not being insecure and I think most people would be alarmed at this pattern of behavior. She has apologized for certain things and we will do our best to move forward but I realize this may not work out. Any extra advice is appreciated.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

She agreed to limit her contact

Sounds to me like it didn't work out with him.

I am always welcome to join her when she sees anyone.

Until she meets someone she doesn't want you knowing about.

You're young, get out of this relationship now. Take it from someone who's been a doormat before. This won't end good my friend. Get out.

Ok so I think my relationship is pretty much doomed. My gf gave me an ultimatum today that I need to go to couples therapy or we are done. I did not appreciate the ultimatum and I do not think I've done anything wrong. In fact, I think I treat her pretty great. The problem is she feels smothered and controlled. I need some honest feedback. Maybe I have been but I doubt it. Here is the situation briefly:

 

I have had an issue with her interactions with other guys for most of our relationship. She has never once been supportive or understanding but everytime I express discomfort she gets ultra defensive and hostile. The first instance was her going out with some guy she met through a friend that I had never met bar hopping while I was out of town. I have since met the guy and he is harmless and I get along with him, but the circumstances were not ideal.

 

Next, Ever since she moved here with me she chats up certain guys on facebook constantly. This is not limited contact, but an almost daily occurence. Whenever she opens her email I see at least one email and up to 5 or 6 from this dude. She chats constantly on facebook with him and texts all the time too. I am talking like a novel's worth of text. After repeated exposure to this, I caved and snooped. I am ashamed but she left up her Skype convo and I just had to look. I did not like what I saw. This guy was obviously leeching and fawning all over her. I mean it was pretty blatent, telling her things like "I admire you so much" and "this is a safe place, you can confide in me" and a ton of other simlar comments. The thing that really bothered me is that she was informing him of all our relationship issues and made it seem like we were on the verge of breaking up. All comments about me were negative. What really pissed me off were comments she made about him being a sperm donor for her kid. He was also taking about how he likes to get get women off and she engaged him in that discussion.

 

Now, this is not the guy who she talks to constantly but some side validtaion thing. This other guy she literelly talks to every single day. I've tried to let it slide and I dropped a few comments here and there to let her know that it was bothering me but the communication has only increased. Lately she informed me that he was coming to vistit and initially I agreed to let him stay with us, but after thinking about it I had put up with enough and I told her I was uncomfortable with it and I didn't want him to stay with us. Of course she blew a gasket and sided with him and seemed way more concerned about how he would react than any of my concerns. In fact the first thing she mentioned was that she would just tell him he couldn't stay here because her bf wouldn't allow it.

 

I've also expressed discomfort with her meeting one of her exes and she first agreed not to see him after arguing with me for several days. Then several months later he comes into town and now she is adament about seeing him. I meant she basically told me to **** off when I expressed concern. I almost broke up with her right then and there but I went back on it. Maybe it was a mistake. She didn't go see him, but I later asked her if she did if because I asked her or because he didn't want to see her and she refused to answer the question. It seemed obvious that she would have done it despite my feelings.

 

There have been other issues too. The sex has been dwindling and she is very critical of me. I just can't seem to make sense of it. I'm sure everyone will think this is an obvious call and I'm being a doormat, but somehow I can't let this go. Am I being too insecure? Is this situation truly bad? Any advice is appreciated. I am concerned there is an emotional affair going on but she makes me seem like I am crazy for suggesting it.

Bitch Girlfriend here! My BF skewed this big time--- Lame! Here's the full story:

1. He isn't an "ex." We dated for a few weeks and decided we weren't right for eachother. He lives on the opposite coast from us. He used to live here (before we did) and has a lot of contacts in this city...in my prefferred industry. He came in to town twice and both times I didn't go have coffee with him. Just coffee! Yet, my BF still says that I chose that guy over him. Weird.

2. All these guys (exept for the one I wen't out for drinks with) are on the opposite coast of us. That's right!

3. I am my bf's first serious relationship.

4. I moved out here with my bf and was unemployed for an entire year. So I was pretty lonely and depressed. Wouldn't you want to chat wiith your friends? Oh yeah, and I was scared to reach out to any contacts that were given to me bc of how he reacted to me going out with that guy for drinks when we first moved here. More below.

5. I don't chat or contact any guy daily. That is just a lie. Also, he just happened to see my email on a day where I recieved several mass emails from him. I do not email him or any male daily. I even let my boyfriend read those emails. One of which contained details of the guy connecting heavily with a woman and me expressing great joy for him!

6. The skype convo was left open on my computer, I had nothing to hide.

7. Asking someone to be a sperm donor is not asking for sex, in fact, it implies the opposite. Duh.

8. Yes that guy was doting on me and that's why I insulted him by telling him he reminded me of my ex.

9. Yes he was talking about getting women off, but not me. If I was interested in him getting me off, I would have used this opportunity to suggest it. Am I not allowed to have a conversation about sex with a friend?

10. Wouldn't you be upset if you had to revoke an invitiation to your friend to stay with you? After you asked your SO if it would be ok and they agreed? After you told your friend they could stay with you?

11. The guy I had drinks with was introduced to me by a mutual trusted friend since we both had just moved to the city. Wouldn't you want to jump at the opportunity to make a new friend in a city where you have none? Especially when the person is introduced to you from a trusted friend? And I knew he would one day meet my BF and that my BF would like him. And he does.

12. After he reacted so harshly to this, I didn't meet up with 4 other male contacts that were suggested to me by other friends. I mean, I've made sacrifices. Meeting new people in a new city is important. Especially when you're unemployed! So yeah, I felt isolated. New place, no job. No friends. And a BF who flips out when I go out one night to get some social interaction. I guess he would have preffered I go to a bar alone. Strange.

13. My BF continues to say I "prioritize" other men and "spend too much time with them" (how is chatting while you are doing other **** online spending time with someone?) even though I spend almost ALL of my free time with him and I MOVED OUT HERE WITH HIM!

Now lets hear what people think.

Bitch Girlfriend here! My BF skewed this big time--- Lame! Here's the full story:

 

 

Now lets hear what people think.

I take it you didn't like the advice he was getting ?

Just because someone says they have a problem with something you do doesn't mean it has to be seen as a problem from you.

If he sees a problem then like it or not it is a problem..

It is now up to you to decide what to deal with...

Honestly it sounds like you guys just aren't seeing eye to eye right now and seem to be in a bit of a power struggle.

If my wife was speaking with men she used to date almost daily I think I might have an issue with it.

I certainly wouldn't have a problem if she talked with old BF's every now and then but honestly if the contact is more than just catching up after a few months then it shows that it carried more weight than just friends.

I don't contact any man daily. Much less any ex boyfriend. I keep in contact with no ex's regularly.

Also, all of his complaints aren't about me speaking to any one. Mostly online chatting. Did you read my reply?

Did you read my reply?

Did you read mine ?..

I was asking if you read my reply to his post. Confused as to why you implied that I was talking to ex's daily.

Next, Ever since she moved here with me she chats up certain guys on facebook constantly. This is not limited contact, but an almost daily occurence.

I wasn't implying that you were talking to ex's daily.. just guys...

I think I'm getting an idea as to some of the communication issues and where they might be coming from..

Did you read my reply ?

Are you the GF in his last thread who was going bar hopping with guys while he was out of town and going out smoking with a guy ?

If you are you seem to have some problems setting boundaries in your life concerning other men while you are in a relationship.

Nobody says that a guy or girl has to stop talking to the opposite sex when they enter into a relationship but you do have to alter your behavior and stop going out with single guys as if you are single yourself.

This problem you are having right now.. can you guys talk about it face to face without there being a fight ?

Can you honestly listen to his side and him listen to your side without there being a fight ?

Read both the OP post and other post by the bitch gf

The OP's gut feeling is right, the key thing here is the bitch gf's attitude: defensive, dismissive & disrespect.

Even if not cheating now, its a matter of time

Well I see that my gf has found this post, and is of course trying to justify her actions. Maybe some of you can get through to her because I sure as hell can't. Anyway I don't want to get into a drawn out argument on LS, but my original post was a little skewed I'll admit it. I was freaking out and probably jumped the gun claiming an EA. I am however still upset at the way she has reacted to my concerns over the course of this relationship and honestly, I have a hard time believing that I won't get hurt if this continues. I fully admit that I have acted immature and lashed out at her over this, but it is very difficult to keep my cool when she cares so little about my concerns.

A few final comments in my defense:

The contact is not minimal. It is very frequent. I don't know exactly how much, but I have seen her chatting with the guy literally hundreds of times and sometimes (not often) they are at it for hours. I see emails and texts between them all the time too. He is definitely interested in her. They did go on a date once as well. Such strong contact, at the very least, sends him a pretty clear message. She also confided in this guy about our relationship problems, but did stop when I asked her to.

Regarding the sperm donor guy. He was here in CA originally (not 3,000 miles away but less than 50) and they went through periods of frequent contact. Oh, and yeah I let that guy stay over at our place (before I found those comments of course). The fact that she stopped contact with him is news to me and probably only did so because he moved away.

Despite what she says, I am not extremely insecure and I do not have problems with all her guy friends. Several of them have come here to visit and she went out with them alone and I was perfectly ok with it. I could tell it was platonic on their end and she had known them for a long time. And her sacrifices regarding the other male contacts that she didn't see out of concern for me? Well I never asked her to do that. In fact I think I told her to go meet them.

And the ex. Yes they dated and were sexually involved with each other. In fact it was the guy she had just broken up with before I started dating her so of course that is going to make me uncomfortable.

This problem you are having right now.. can you guys talk about it face to face without there being a fight ?

 

Can you honestly listen to his side and him listen to your side without there being a fight ?

No, Art unfortunately we cannot, hence the therapy. And I have already gone to Individual therapy at her request and it did nothing to change my mind about this stuff. Communication is a problem for us. We both get defensive and angry. The fights have been getting worse and worse and I think you are right that it has now become a power struggle.

I've pretty much given up trying to talk to her about this stuff. I'm pretty sure she is actually still in contact with all of these guys and some of her other exes as well, including one who just got out of jail. It is not going to ever stop and it is exhausting to deal with.

Why are you going through such hell? Are you a masochist? Ask yourself if she is the only woman on the planet that you could possibly be happy with? If you can answer this question then you will know what to do. Good luck.