Not interested in a relationship (right now) but don't want to deceive - Any options?

I didn't say you called anyone a whore. I said you think everyone is a whore. Big difference.

Because you can read my mind right?

I also never said it's OK to sleep around with other guys while dating a relationship oriented guy. I said it's OK to date several guys in the early stages, when no one is committed to anyone. Dating does not equal sleeping around. I don't sleep with anyone unless we're in a monogamous relationship.

No no, that's not what you said. You said it was ok for someone to fool around with multiple guys at the same time while dating one or more of them for a relationship. What you were talking about wasn't just multi-dating and having merely formal dates with multiple (informed) men. You DID however say you yourself hadn't done that yet, but you justified it (i.e. the fooling around with multiple men while dating them for a relationship). That justification is the reason I replied so feisty to your posts and verhrzn's. I just think it's unethical, you don't think it's unethical and justified it, that's partly why we both didn't mesh well in that thread. You also kept saying I called you a slut and now you're saying that I think you both(or everyone) are whores, that's another reason we don't mesh well on the forum. The latter is just a dirty game you're playing and I don't like it.

Because you can read my mind right?

Yep. You make yourself pretty clear.

No no, that's not what you said. You said it was ok for someone to fool around with multiple guys at the same time while dating one or more of them for a relationship...You DID however say you yourself hadn't done that yet, but you justified it

I don't think dating and fooling around have to go hand-in-hand, especially in the early stages, but some people move pretty fast. You're right, I don't do that myself, but I believe people have the right to do it if they want to. That's why the "exclusive talk" is important. Unless you're in an exclusive relationship, you're both single. And single people can date who they want. That's not being unethical or, in your words, slutty.

You also kept saying I called you a slut and now you're saying that I think you both(or everyone) are whores

Actually I don't think you called me a slut. You did, however, use the words "slut" and "slutty" repeatedly to describe women who engage in behavior that you don't approve of. And that would be most women, since you have very strict standards for what you consider acceptable behavior in women. A woman could be a virgin and still be a slut, according to your definition of slutty behavior. You judge people too harshly.

You judge people too harshly.

I once considered dating a girl that wanted a relationship while she had a similar opinion like you about the subject and verhrzn. She, unlike you, DID sleep around with a lot of men, she had FWB's, NSA/ONS, even with gay men and with women, etc. A reason I considered dating her was because we both went WAY back, to a time I didn't know about any of that about her. We never had anything with each other, but we liked each other back then, but things just never happened back then.

The thing was, she had the same opinion on this issue as you and verhrzn. So that created problems. The idea was to go on dates and build a connection, but after the date she then wanted to go home to f*ck her FWB with which she lived or some other random guy. So I would then have sat there during the date, trying my best to build a connection, while images of her f*cking another guy would pass through my mind. That would have been very hard on me. Then when the date would end she'd stand up and give a smile and a wink, as she tends to do that, and then she'd leave and f*ck another guy. Imagine how that would have made me feel. It would break my heart.

I knew this of her, but she tried to keep it a secret from me. She was so good at hiding it that it scared me, she was exceptional at hiding it. One of the things I found out was that she fooled around with my best friend. She didn't tell me, but he told me. He told me, because, he on his part didn't know she liked me. So you can see what kind of problems this created. I didn't blame him for it though because he had no idea either about any of it, but he and I just lost touch at some point, so losing touch was what basically ended the friendship and not the fact that she fooled around with him.

While I liked pretty much everything about her, I didn't like those things about her, i.e.:

1. That she was capable of hurting a guy she'd want a relationship with.

2. That she justified that.

3. That she tried to keep it a secret.

4. That she'd even go so far to secretly fool around with my best friend. Because like I said before, when someone is capable of hurting others and can justify it, then that tends to extend into other areas of their personality too.

Do I think she's a slut? I don't FEEL she is a slut, that's not how I see her. But I couldn't date her. She would have ripped my heart out of my chest. With a smile and a wink.

Like I said to verhrzn, the women that justify this only look at it from their perspective. Not from the perspective of the guy sitting in front of them during the date.

The solution to this is so simple, but people who justify this refuse to put in the effort. Out of respect for my date and for women in general I do not fool around with other women when I date a woman. I do that out of respect, out of loyalty, out of decency and out of ethical consideration.

Why? Because I do not want to treat others the same way I don't want to be treated myself.

the idea was to go on dates and build a connection, but after the date she then wanted to go home to f*ck her FWB with which she lived or some other random guy. So I would then have sat there during the date, trying my best to build a connection, while images of her f*cking another guy would pass through my mind. That would have been very hard on me. Then when the date would end she'd stand up and give a smile and a wink, as she tends to do that, and then she'd leave and f*ck another guy.

Methinks you're paranoid. I seriously doubt that she went right from a date with you to having sex with another guy. You seem to think that's what women do when they multi-date, but that's not an accurate reflection of reality. Even women who only date casually do not bounce from one guy to the next in a single night.

I knew this of her, but she tried to keep it a secret from me. She was so good at hiding it that it scared me, she was exceptional at hiding it.

Or maybe she wasn't actually doing it. You're very suspicious of women in general, it seems. You always think they're doing something behind your back. I can't believe most of what you say because it sounds like the paranoia talking.

Or maybe she wasn't actually doing it. You're very suspicious of women in general, it seems. You always think they're doing something behind your back. I can't believe most of what you say because it sounds like the paranoia talking.

I and my best friend found out from each other. We didn't know that she wanted something with me while at the same time she was fooling around with him.

I found out about a lot more. The list that I know of is huge and that's just the things I know of, like I said she was so good at hiding it that it scared me.

You said I was paranoid, but at first I had no idea, I didn't even consider she could be doing those things. I unintentionally stumbled upon thing after thing.

Only after a while I started to think about what she was actually doing, about how she managed things, how she was able to get from hanging out with me to getting to my best friends house in such a short time and things like that. She accurately planned things with the intention to obscure.

If I hadn't stumbled upon those things unintentionally I would have probably never known, she's both socially smart and academically. That was also what made her so dangerous. The reason she scared me with that was because she was able to fool me, because it had taken me a considerable amount of time to figure out what she was doing. But I only started to try to figure things out after I had strong signals and proof. So it's not like I started out with her from a position of distrust. I was oblivious to any of it at first and didn't distrust her at all until she breached that trust.

Methinks you're paranoid. I seriously doubt that she went right from a date with you to having sex with another guy. You seem to think that's what women do when they multi-date, but that's not an accurate reflection of reality. Even women who only date casually do not bounce from one guy to the next in a single night.

She admitted it. Her roommate was her main FWB.

Besides, you say that as if it would have mattered when she would have waited until the next day or the day after that. I would have felt hurt either way. Perhaps you could say that it's extra cold of a person to do it the same day, but in the end the result is the same.

I seriously doubt that she went right from a date with you to having sex with another guy. You seem to think that's what women do when they multi-date, but that's not an accurate reflection of reality. Even women who only date casually do not bounce from one guy to the next in a single night.

No I don't think that. There are people who can properly multi-date by keeping things formal with all their dates and letting everyone know that they're multi-dating. Those people don't fool around with any of their dates until he/she has made a connection with someone and tells off the others.

Truthfully, I've never done it. I prefer to date one guy at a time and hope it leads to a relationship, but I have no right to expect the same from the guys I'm dating. If they want to multi-date, they're allowed. That's why I limit physical intimacy in the early stages, because I don't know how many other girls he's dating.

 

 

 

You expect exclusivity very early, then. I don't. I wouldn't want to rush anyone into a relationship. I think it's fine to give each other time before demanding exclusivity from them. Even if I'm not dating anyone else, I can't expect the same from a guy I've only been on a few dates with. I don't own him yet and I have no right to make demands on him at that early stage. And he has no right to make demands on me either. If you want exclusivity, ask for it. Don't just expect it. Not everyone is on the same timeline.

 

 

 

That's how I like to do it, but not everyone likes to do it that way. People have different dating styles. I have no right to tell other people how they should go about dating. If you're single and you like to multi-date, you're allowed to do it. I respect other people too much to say "This is how I date, therefore this is how you should date too." If you're not in a relationship, then you're not obligated to be monogamous. You can if you want to, of course, but you don't owe it to anyone and no one owes it to you. If you want monogamy, then discuss it with your partner.

 

 

 

Dating is full of uncertainty. Suppose I go on a date with guy #1. I really like him and I have a great time. But after the date, I never hear from him again. So I assume he's not interested. Two weeks later, guy #2 asks me out. I'm not dating anyone so I say yes. I enjoy our date but I don't like him as much as the first guy. Three days later, guy #1 shows up and asks me out for a second date. A pleasant surprise, I thought he wasn't interested. So I go out with guy #1 again.

 

Now, according to you and Nexus, that's wrong of me because I'm dating 2 guys at once and they sort of overlapped. But there was a bit of confusion because I didn't realize that I was still dating guy #1 when I went out with guy #2. You'd say I was juggling, but it wasn't my intention to juggle. I never know if a first date is going to lead to a second date. After just one date, maybe we're still dating, maybe we're not. Maybe the guy is planning to ask me out again, or maybe he's already moved on. It's kind of ridiculous to expect monogamy after just one date.

 

 

 

If someone was dating 5 people at once, then I'd say they're spreading themselves around looking for attention. But if they're dating 2 people, then I'd say they're focusing on 2 people, trying to get to know them, so they can decide which one they're more compatible with. I don't mean dating 2 people in one night, of course. And I don't mean continuing to date 2 people for several months. But life doesn't always present opportunities one at a time. If you happen to meet 2 great people around the same time, you can't really tell one of them to wait while you get to know the other one.

I'm not making demands. I'm observing their character.

Men who multi-date don't share my values. I never even HEARD of this stupid 'exclusive' word until I did OLD.

... and yes, I have told one of them to wait or I refuse a date with them until I decide on the first one. It isn't that hard.

If our timing is off, well then, that is how it goes. He'll have to learn how to be a bit more decisive in the future then, won't he? Maybe that is a quality I'm looking for too? The man I'm looking for doesn't need a bazillion dates to 'decide'.

But, if you are willing to let him rely on your goodwill and allow him to let him string you along while he twiddles his thumbs endlessly... then that is your perogative I guess.

I never even HEARD of this stupid 'exclusive' word until I did OLD.

Well, of course people who do online dating are multi-dating. It's like interviewing for a job. You don't put all your eggs in one basket.

... and yes, I have told one of them to wait or I refuse a date with them until I decide on the first one. It isn't that hard.

And he waited?! For you to date another guy and decide if you liked him? Who would wait around for that?

The man I'm looking for doesn't need a bazillion dates to 'decide'.

How about 6 dates? Does that sound reasonable to you? It sounds reasonable to me. But I'm getting the feeling you expect him to make a decision after one date.

But, if you are willing to let him rely on your goodwill and allow him to let him string you along while he twiddles his thumbs endlessly... then that is your perogative I guess.

Endlessly? Who said anything about endlessly? I would expect a guy to ask for exclusivity after 1-2 months of dating. That's not stringing me along because that's about as long as I need to decide if I want a relationship with him. If he asked too soon, I'd be freaked out, like "whoa, slow down, we barely even know each other." But if we've been dating for more than 2 months and he's still unsure, then I'm gone.

I hate dating. It's so messy. Honestly, what are the odds that you or the other person isn't still somewhat tied up (emotionally) with anyone else? For goodness' sake, my ex messaged my new love interest to inform him that we were still living in the same place but wouldn't be for much longer, & that i was an awesome girl and he should feel free to date me if he wanted. Life is messy, sloppy, awkward.

That was odd

what kind of guy "shops" his girl to someone else?

usually there's some hurt feelings on both sides, even if the guy was the one who calls it off

Well, of course people who do online dating are multi-dating. It's like interviewing for a job. You don't put all your eggs in one basket..

I wish it were more like interviewing for a job. Many check your credit and criminal history, give you a personality test, and check your references. People interviewing for a job have maybe two interviews at most... the background checks do most of the 'work'.

Until OLD sites do this in advance, I probably won't be interested.

There is nothing unusual about expecting someone's focus for a few weeks. Before OLD, that is how people did it. The other way feels disrespectful and rude.

I would never spend 2 months in limbo while a man 'dates' others. A few weeks at most... and even then he's draining major points for doing so...

If they have that much time to spend on dating multiple women, then he obviously doesn't have much of a life. Perhaps that is my real issue. I have alot of interests and I have a life. I'm not using dating as entertainment or as a way to fill up my week and weekends. I'm actually serious about meeting someone and getting to know them.

I have to believe that this is probably one of the biggest reasons why OLD fails to provide results for most people.

Most people doing the multi-dating are not being sexually exclusive. They are having some degree of physical intimacy with some or all of them... if you are honest with yourself, you'd admit this is the case.

Regarding asking someone to wait. Yes, they have. When I explain my process, and tell them that I see one person at a time, they don't mind at all.

After I move, I MAY try OLD again. Keeping to my policy of posting few pictures (to avoid spammers), initiating contact with men myself, and refusing to multi-date.

If that process is going to exist, there has to be a way that is more respectful than the way it has been done.

I would never spend 2 months in limbo while a man 'dates' others. A few weeks at most... and even then he's draining major points for doing so...

I don't feel like I'm in limbo because I'm still trying to decide how I feel about him. I'm not waiting for anything. I'm using that time to get to know him and make up my mind about him. Besides, I don't know for a fact that he's dating anyone else. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. I don't ask because I don't care to know. It's none of my business. It could be that neither of us is dating anyone else.

In my experience, most guys won't wait more than 2 months for sex unless they're serious about the girl. If they're multi-dating, they wouldn't even bother with a girl like me; they'd drop me as soon as they found out about my "no sex outside of relationships" rule. Some of them do, which is fine. No more time wasted on them. The ones that stick around are the ones who end up asking for exclusivity, usually about 5-6 weeks in. I've never actually had to wait 2 months, although I'd be willing to.

If that process is going to exist, there has to be a way that is more respectful than the way it has been done.

You can do it however you want. But you can't tell other people how to do it. I've never found it to be disrespectful. I don't date guys who don't treat me with respect.

I didn't even know "multi-dating" was even a term before I started reading this forum. If you are just starting to date a person and don't really know what they're about yet, why would you keep yourself from dating other people? It doesn't make much sense to me. You don't really owe this person you just met anything at that point.

Red Arremer, we understand each other.