All Right it is happening and I am scared to death!

Well for those of you who have been following my pposts, you all know that I have wanted the ex to contact me....I was not going to be the one to break NC....Well it happened the other day.

He actualy sent me an email that stated he was so sorry and had been thinking about us and realized that we both made mistakes and that we both forgot how to fix those mistakes. At first I wasn't going to respond, but my heart got the best of me, and I responded with my final letter.

This letter led him to email me continuously, stating that he owed me/us a face to face. He realized by reading my letter that he let go of so much and that our relationship was meaningful.

Oh, then he sent me the lyrics to a song called "WHY?", and told me that this song reminded him so much of our situation.

I thought about this for a while and then got up the courage to ask him if I was getting my hopes up for another fall. His response was slow down and take a breath as we have alot to talk about. He also stated in his email that If I was trying to tell him I was interested in somebody elase and wanted to move forward then that is what I should do.

I pretty much told him that I was not and never would be interested in another, that my heart belonged to him and he responded he believed that.

So we left it at we would set a date to sit down and do a face to face but now I am scared....what if he says the things I don't want to hear...He is giving off the impression that he wants to work things out, but I don't know if I can trust this feeling.........Any advice anybody?

Go with your gut on this one...mine says (and I've been reading you all along), -that you should meet with him, given all the circumstances, and given the fact he is focusing on working on the problems, -not arranging a booty call.

This sounds like a bonafide second chance situation, in your case.

Good Luck!

(Smile)

-Rio

Thank you Rio...Somehow I knew you would respond!

I honestly believe he does want to work things out,

but on the other hand I am scared...This hurt has been the

worse thing I have ever felt in my life, and I do not want to go through that again!

I have told him to take a few more days, just to make sure this what he REALLY wants.

Thanks for the support!

whisnimz, be careful that history does not repeat itself. Be sure this is something you really want to do.

As the ref says at the start, remember gentlemen, defend yourself at all times.....

Whiznimz,

Sometimes, when you ask for advice from someone, bringing our experiences to the table is all we have to offer.

But our experiences, especially if they are bad ones- can cloud our views about many important things until we arrive at a plateau that supports more clarified thinking about our own past circumstances, and how to apply our experiences and lessons kindly, appropriately, and wisely to the circumstances of others.

I'm saying all this to 'unconfuse' the confused who may be reading this and wondering why I'm not fiercely and unconditionally promoting and supporting 'No Contact' here, at this moment, in your circumstance.

My answer is this: 'No Contact' is a tool for recovery in a relationship where there is absolutely no hope given from, at least, one of the parties in the relationship, -and/or where there are 'unworkable' problems, i.e. one or both of you find it too unhealthy to continue in the relationship, or are just too hurt, or stubborn, or irresponsible, or unwilling to try.

You know -without my telling you- that there is a possibility of failure with restarting your partnership, but he has indicated he wants to try.

W, when someone is sincerely making an effort to try to work on the problems, there is hope, if the other is in likewise agreement.

The doubt of any sincerity on his part will soon be settled and you will know more about where you stand with him, and how to proceed.

Reconciliation all hinges on how important it is for both of you to resolve the past hurts, resentments, and problems that have existed between you, -before the break and afterwards, when many of our mistakes happen that add to the already-laden pile.

It takes a mountain of courage, willingness, and humbleness to expose true feelings, find forgiveness of each other's shortcomings, and mistakes, and bring it all to the table to try again.

With this kind of courage and vulnerability, you must realize that there is risk involved, in that you may find that, after all, one or more of the problems turns out to be unresolvable.

As Witabix cautioned you wisely, be prepared for that risk.

Weigh the love you feel for this man, and, when you meet, look for evidence of his love for you, -words alone are not enough, actions should back them up -but if the evidence is there, and you learn by talking with each other, that there is enough hope, love, and willingness there to support another try -and if there is enough good in the relationship worth saving- then you have not only beaten the odds, -you will have caused many who will read this later, to cry tears of happiness for you, including me.

For me, personally, I need to know that it happens once in a while, -that love can- and does beat the odds, despite the high waters.

But if it doesn't happen this time -and you find that it is truly over- and you must learn to live your life without him, know that there will also be tears for your loss, as well.

I wish you luck, and love, and strength enough to tackle whatever is ahead for you.

Sincerely Yours,

-Rio

Thanks guys. I have decided to back off for a couple of days, and continue the NC thing on my part and see what his next actions are.

I think if he is sincere as he is making it sound he will do and email or a phone

call, to see where I stand!

Hi W, I just got back from an accidental meeting with my ex....

Ran into each other on the seafront...... went to a bar....

It went through a wild gamut of emotions......... still no answers to my questions..........

I am feeling battered and exhausted again....

She said she wanted to try again, as Rio said I was impressed by the fact that she took the risk.

I said I cannot go back to that place again, ever, I just can't take the risk.

I asked questions, got no answers, we roared up a storm, it was emotionally drainng. I left. Once again in high dudgeon.

We have agreed to meet tomorrow.

I told her I wanted us to end this as adults with no hard feelings now. We may meet tomorrow to bury the hatchet.

Fooled got it right on another thread...

I don't hate you, or love you...I don't really know you

I said almost exactly the same thing tonight.

Wonder what tomorrow will bring for me.........

I think the difference in our situations ( and please correct me if I am wrong) is it sounds like you do want it to end!

In all honesty I do not want my relationship to end with my ex....but I am scared to death that this might be what he tells me in a face to face meeting!

Good Luck wwith your meeting today!

Thanks W.

Yes it seems we are opposite sides of the equation here.

I can offer you my side if you wish, here. Remembering that we are not in the same equation and my life and yours are not the same.

I can see no further point in our mutual suffering.

I have many questions, I asked them all again last night, I keep getting different answers, versions, partial disclosures that just add to my confusion.

She says she still wants to go on, that we have something special. I am looking but cannot see it, what does it look like I ask, what does it sound like I ask, what does it feel like I ask. Where?

I tell her that this is what feels like to me....

Waiting for you to turn up when you feel like it......

Wondering if that other guy will ask you to this concert or that event.....

Wondering why you are having lunch with your 'friend' just yards from my apartment door...

Why when I said why don't you introduce us you say that you have lost contact, yet his phone number is still in your phone......

Why you held on to that text from an ex......"Not saying goodbye".....

She said this to the last....

1st. I forgot it was there.... No way....

2nd. Look he was a nice guy....... Ok.

3rd. We used to work together.....OK too

4th. I kept it because it was such a nice message and no one had ever sent me one like that before.... ????? It wasn't that nice....

5th I kept it because I meant to save the number but never got around to it... ???? She must have had his number, she said it was in reply to text from her to him.

I am not saying that you have issues even remotely like this, but if there is any question of honesty that should be dealt with first.

I told her that the truth is all I want. Even if its the fact that she slept with these 'friends', at least I would know. I hate to be spared with lies.

Sorry W for venting on your thread, keep us posted, I would be very interested to hear your side of the story.

I can see no further point in our mutual suffering.

Personally Witabix because of your lack of closure and moving on this seems to be your pattern.

You seem to keep going back for more more conversation instead of ending it and healing.

You are clearly in pain but from what I've seen so far you are self inflicting yourself..

I'm sure you have seen the term NC.. all I'm saying is that if you are going to heal you need to practice it.

Wow, I am sorry you are going though this. Unfortunately, I am going to chime in and say its a bad idea to resume contact. I feel you are just setting yourself up for another fall. I hope I am wrong. The reason I say this is how he ended things. He ended things with no warning. You came home one day and discovered a note and that he was gone. Then you discovered that he had moved in with someone almost immediately. That says to me he had that set up well before he moved out. That is deception. My sense is at best he can't commit. At worst he is a user and manipulator a cheater. The reason he contacted is because things probably aren't going well with his new woman. All he has to do is say the "right" things to you and you are putty in his hands. You are a back up. Maybe I am wrong. I hope I am truly I do. But this just gives me a bad vibe. Let us know how it works out. I would be very very cautious in giving your heart to this person.

regards

Thank you for your advise, and trust me I am taking every bit of advise I get from everyone to heart, and really am thinking hard about this.....I know I would be putty in his hands if we were to meet at my apartment, so I thought about meeting in a public place.

I do honestly believe things are not worlking out with this woman as she has realize that what he did to me is bound to happen to her. Not to mention she has to be thinking oin the back of her mind somewhere about him jumping from my bed right into hers.

The biggest problem is he already has my heart......I didn't take my heart from him when he left.....The other thing is we all work in the same hospital

together and I do wear my heart on my sleeve, so he knows he has done. I thought about leaving the hospital, nut to be honest I am the one who has the most important job out of the three of us, and I would never be able to find another job that pays me as well. So I guess maybe I need to think about recapturing my heart from him, but how do I do this?

You know, what he did to you was horrible. He left you without a talk, and he had another woman on the side who took him in. He betrayed you, and left you in a heap on the side of the road wondering how to survive it all. Now, things with his new woman probably are falling apart (well just look at his character) and he calls up.

Now here's where you have to look at yourself. The message you are sending to him is that there are no consequences to the awful thing he did to you. I suspect that you are in such a fog over being in "love" with him, that you don't really have the perspective you need to look at this situation "as it is". You still see the dream. But to me it looks almost nightmarish.

The message you are sending is "I'm your doormat. Want to go screw another and leave me in a heap? Go right ahead. I will take you back." As I said before, I think this is bad news. And I think you should do everything in your power to get away from him. But its your call and I support you no matter what. Best of luck.

regards

Thank you for the support....I do not consider myself a doormat, as I know no matter what happens he is not getting back in that easily....Yes I believe he has some major issues that he really needs to get help with, and that will be one of the requirements if and whenever he wants to move back home....It will be my call as to when he is allowed to come back into the home....I really believe if he sincere and truthful about his feelings for me, there will have to be communication on both parts.

I do believe a heart can forgive but it will never forget...I also believe that the mind can be brainwashed, but the heart can not be brainwashed.

I am going into this with so much caution, but also at the same time so much fear!

I'm going to chime in here with words of EXTREME caution. Is there a thing such as second chances..I say perhaps. But rare and after some serious soul searching. AND if two people are able to put the disappointments behind them and not use them as weapons when the going gets rough. Hmmmm...

Now comes my question to you, whisnimz, considering (am I correct here?) your ex, left you for another woman? To say the least that is sketchy behavior. And yes he's sent you e-mails wanting to see you face to face, but at the end of the day he sent you words...just words. People who know how to manipulate use words cleaverly and with the skill of a marksman. To person such as yourself, who has been hurt and vulnerable I see a situation where a man with a lack of character manipulating someone who is still blindly in love and thinking with her heart. Have you ever considered the fact that he needs his standby because things aren't going well with the other woman. AND if that were the case look how easy this guy switches back and forth from woman to woman. Step back and see how his actions and deeds measure up to your standards. Forget the words...examine his actions towards you.

That is exactly what scares me they are just words in writing at that.....I know that he left me, to find another bed when things were not going well for him in his mind.....I honestly think that this person(I do not consider her a woman) was a desperate action taken on his part, because he knew if I ever found out that he was cheating I would have been the one to move out....I don't know how things are between these two but it would appear to be that they are not going that well....I don't see how they could honestly, but so be it.

EXTREME caution is what I am going to take, but like I said there has to be a

lot of help for him and that is not going to happen overnight, if it ever does...I know we have alot going against us but again I believe if is true love it is endless and two people can work through anything together.

Fooled had told us about a book in one of his posts that I think I should go out and get, and read before I do a face to face with him.

The book is "The Wisdom of the Ennegram". I don't know that this will help but again one can never be to cautious!

Again thatnk you for your support!

The reason second chances fail is mostly you haven't changed, they haven't changed or the situation hasn't changed.

Find out what has changed about him and why he wants you back. Don't rush to go right back to the same spot you left because you will certainly break up again.

For a second chance to really work, you both have to take things extremely slow. I would not have told him that your heart belonged to him as that will lead him to believe he has the upper hand. You almost need to let him know the first time he screws up again you'll be gone.

I agree with In Sync. Words mean nothing, it's action that proves how honest and forthright he is being.

The problem with the deeds not words strategy in a "second chance" situation is that you take them back because of words and you don't see the deeds until after you take them back. Too late.

From my vantage point, what you do is you go off to a park somewhere by yourself with a notebook and plan to stay all day there. I would carefully look at the history of this person very coldly and meticulously and put the pros and cons of his already done deeds on paper. Then I would ask myself is this a person who is worthy of.....me?

This guy will say all the right things and that will get him a second chance. Only then will his deeds become apparent. The best judge of the future is the past, especially when the behavior has been so egregious and damaging as his has been. I think too many of us are way too quick to offer second chances to people who, given some perspective and distance, you wouldn't even give the time of day to.

regards

I really believe in actions speaking louder than words. I do not intend on letting him back into my life where he left me...I definitely would take this very slow and again very carefully, no one knows his past actions better then me, and this is why I say he will need to go get some help in dealing with his problem.

There is no doubt in my mind that he knows he has a problem, and I think loosing his mother has really set his gears in action, to get thie help he needs.

I do know over the past 14 weeks I have changed in many ways. I have changed only for the good and I am at the point in my life where I feel good about myself. I know I don't need a man to get me through life. I will never depend on a guy as much as I reallly depended on him....I guess in the long run what I am trying to say is I have grown in so many ways only for the better, and I am hoping to see these changes in him as well. I am not as vulnerable as I was three months ago....Thanks to all of th support I have recieved from LS and my coworkers as well as my family........I WILL HAVE THE UPPER HAND IN THIS MEETING! That is what I have keep thinking!

Personally Witabix because of your lack of closure and moving on this seems to be your pattern.

You seem to keep going back for more more conversation instead of ending it and healing.

You are clearly in pain but from what I've seen so far you are self inflicting yourself..

 

I'm sure you have seen the term NC.. all I'm saying is that if you are going to heal you need to practice it.

Yes AC you are correct.....

I have reached the peaceful end. It is over. All done with no raised voices or turmoil. I am sorry if I have (and I know I have) gone on like a whiney baby here, and its not even my thread (very rude I know).

I have gained closure now. I am sure of it. Over, done, peace at last.

I...and this is why I say he will need to go get some help in dealing with his problem.

There is no doubt in my mind that he knows he has a problem, and I think loosing his mother has really set his gears in action, to get thie help he needs.

I do know over the past 14 weeks I have changed in many ways. I have changed only for the good and I am at the point in my life where I feel good about myself. I know I don't need a man to get me through life. I will never depend on a guy as much as I reallly depended on him....I guess in the long run what I am trying to say is I have grown in so many ways only for the better, and I am hoping to see these changes in him as well. I am not as vulnerable as I was three months ago....Thanks to all of th support I have recieved from LS and my coworkers as well as my family........I WILL HAVE THE UPPER HAND IN THIS MEETING! That is what I have keep thinking!

You point out that "he has problems" but I assure you, by allowing him in your life again without counseling his problems will become your problems.

You don't have the upperhand because by allowing him back after his betrayal that theory is moot. Sorry to be be blunt. It's not meant to be hurtful, but to make you aware. He's done his thang and he was smart enough, clever enough to play on your feelings for him. You naturally want to believe it's because he truly misses the beautiful person that you are...I see it as a man who's selfish, tossed his toy aside for shiny new toy and he got bored or it doesn't work and now he'll pick up the toy he kicked away again..it's about him.

What has he done for you while you were apart? Pay bills, send you gifts, filled your tank, fixed your plumbing (those are nice deeds... ), How has he made your life a little bit easier or a little bit brighter during his absense? SO what do you miss about him?

Oh In Sync I had stated in a esponse earlier that he would not be allowed back into my life with out the councseling.

But just so everyone knows I have decided not to do a face to face yet. He told me last night in an email that he knew he/we needed counseling and he should have done it........so he knows he has lost me!

Oh In Sync I had stated in a esponse earlier that he would not be allowed back into my life with out the councseling.

But just so everyone knows I have decided not to do a face to face yet. He told me last night in an email that he knew he/we needed counseling and he should have done it........so he knows he has lost me!

I wish you all the best!

Update on my situation.....as I had said in one of my last posts, I was not going to do the meeting thing as of yet.....However the ex cornered me at work to give me an earring he claims he found in his desk...The earring came from one of my best friends when she went to China and he knew how much I liked them......but he waits 14 weeks before telling me he has it.....come on..

Anyway he handed the earring to me and ashe handed it to me he says "Just so you know, I am very much in love with you!" , and walks away.

I later had to go into one of our Physchiatric rooms to take care of a patient, and he the security guard assigned to this room, so he has to be present at all times while I am in there, as we are waiting in the hall for another nurse to come down to the room, he says "I am really do want to talk to you, on the outside". I just looked at him and said "does dhe know you are talking to me?"

His answer is "No,but I am telling her tonight that this was a huge mistake on my part, and I will be moving out and getting moy own place." I turned and said to him "When this really happens ,then talk to me!"

Now I am scared that he really is being truthful with me, and he will be talking to me on a level that I will not be able to hold back from him.

I guess I will just have to wait and play step by step.

Now I am scared that he really is being truthful with me,

Relax Whisnimz.. he is still lying to you.. this lie is/was told to get your attention and keep you hooked..

He may even tell you that he had the talk.. but it will be a lie..

Ask for proof... The lease to the apartment perhaps..

Your safe.. because he is still lying to you