Broken...

I sit here and wonder if there is any hope of a new relationship in my life. I am 21 years old and have been with the same guy since i was 15. i feel as if i have missed out on so much...like i never really did grow up.

He has been cheating on me for almost the whole relationship, and yet i closed my eyes to it and listened to his lies. As i mentioned in a previous post, i found voicemails from another girl whom lives in flordia. she is so much younger than the both of us, and i know that he isnt secure enough with himself to pursue it any farther than the phone, but just wondering if he is still talking to her and sharing things with her that he doesnt share with me. It is killing my spirit more and more everyday. As far as i know, he has only been cheating on me emotionally, but i really have my doubts. I really dont know what to do anymore. i dont dare bring the subject back up with him, because he turns it around on me, and tells me that he never wants to talk to me again, or tells me that i am starting sh*t, because i want to fight. When he gets angry, he calls me horrible names. He has called me B*tch, c*nt, fat, tells me that i will never amount to anything in my life, and at one point he called me a broke down ugly a** hoe. in the past few yrs i have gained about 25 lbs after being diagnosed with diabetes. i feel so discusting.....i dont talk to my family or grandparents anymore because i am so ashamed of how i look. i still get ready, and i can look good, but i still dont feel good about myself. I wonder if my looks have anything to do with his unfaithfullness. I have been trying to do everything for him, i have gone out of my way over and above, and yet it still is not good enough. I have no clue how to break this habit. I feel as if i am unable to live my life alone, without a crutch, that isnt emotianally supportive anyway. i am alone and i dont know what to do. i used to feel so good about myself...and i now feel like my bf has sucked all the life and happiness out of my body, and yet i still want to be with him. i hope someone would give me some insight...i want to make it out of this fog.

The reason why you are scared of leaving him is because you have depended on him for so long that you are scared of what might happen to you in teh real world. Let me tell you though that you are 21, you shouldn't be in this emotionally abusive, verbally abusive horrilbe relationship, look what it has already done to you.

The reason why you feel like you miss life is because you have, but you can still get out and live it, its just the first step will be the hardest, but find some dignity and self respect and leave him for ever

Tina, please leave him. This isn't love and it's not a healthy relationship for you to be in. Your self esteem is so low and I'm sad reading your post.

I know he's the only one you've been with and you may love him - But that love is not good for you. Talk to your friends and family - Get into therapy and start working on yourself. This guy has caused you so much pain. He's disrespected you, lied to you, and worse! He has made you feel awful about you! And you're a good person who doesn't need this heartache!

You are young and will find another man who will treat you better, respect you and love you! A real man who not only will be your lover, but will be your friend.

Keep posting and venting. There are so many people on here who can help you through this...But you have to decide very soon what you want to do. You have to want the pain to stop, to want to end things and feel good about yourself again. Sadly, the only way to do this is break up with this guy.

Take care and post back soon!

Get out while you still can tina! In ways we all waste our time on that one disturbing person sometimes, but you can get out now and heal from this with time.

He turns it around on you? now that sounds a little bit sneaky and just out right wrong! thats what my ex would always do when a problem came up, Turn it around on me, making me the bad guy. Wow now I was with some one since i was 14, but things went down hill right about now, im almost 18. You need to leave him, and not look for another relationship yet.

get out get out get out. You sound EXACTLY the way I felt when I was married to my 1st husband, except I was 27 instead of 21. The truth is, your life is just beginning. The things that are ahead of you can be so wonderful, but you need to get out of this abusive relationship. Your looks have NOTHING to do with his unfaithfulness. HE has to do with how you are viewing yourself. When I divorced my 1st husband I weighed 103 pounds and heard constantly from him how fat I was.

In a few years you'll look back and be in awe that you thought you couldn't leave.

Please get out and save yourself.

That's right Tina don't leave him. You are in a long term emotionally abusive relationship, isolated, insecure, low self esteem, dependent upon your abuser for an occasional crumb of positive emotion. You have become a fragile shell of who you once were. Right now you don't know who you are, you don't know what the future holds for you because you can't imagine it. You are essentially in a prison without bars, free to leave at any time but scared to do so.

Instead of leaving try this. Do a google search on "emotional abuse" and look at the signs, I bet you check off nearly all of the signs of emotional abuse.

Next either do a lot of reading about emotional abuse and/or domestic violence or call your local domestic violence center (not the hotline) and ask to talk with a counselor or advocate. Either way you are going to call the domestic violence center so you might as well get it out of the way.

At the domestic violence (dv) center you'll meet with someone that will seem to know your story, you'll learn that you are not alone and that there is hope for you regardless of how you might think of things now. You'll have the opportunity for individual counseling (free if you can't afford to pay) and/or group counselling. Both are good. In group counselling you'll meet other women who have stories that are like yours. You'll find out that abusers tend to use the same "techniques" and even the same words and phrases. And you will feel like you have found your place for now.

Eventually you'll gain the personal strength that was always there within you to leave your abuser once and for good.

If you just up and leave right now without being absolutely sure of leaving then on average you will come back to your abuser another 6 times before leaving for good. Going to counselling at the dv center will give you much information that will help you when it's your time to leave--something only you can decide. You'll learn about your rights, what is appropriate and acceptable in healthy relationships and how to recognize a potential abuser in the future--so you don't just repeat the process (because after all it is a comfort zone for you, based on results.)

It takes incredible strength for anyone to be in a long term abusive relationship and as you start to change you will see just how incredibly strong you really are. One day you will be yourself, believe in yourself, respect yourself and even love yourself but it all happens in small steps, take the first small steps today.

Best wishes to you.

Craig

I am in a similar situation. I have been dating my current abusive bf on and off since I was 15 and I will be turning 21 at the end of June 2006. It started with controlling behavior, then emotional and verbal abuse and then the physical abuse started. It was over jealousy and/or his easily angered problem. I am still going out with my boyfriend, I have been waiting for years for him to change or even at least improve. It has gotten so bad lately that yesterday he raised his hand to hit me because I made him die in a video game. YEA a video game! Then the day before I found a supermodel calender and asked him about it, he flipped out and threatened me by saying, "im gunna kick your f***in ass b*tch." Then he grabbed me by my face/throat and shoved/threw me onto the bed several times while calling me names. Then a few minutes later he apologized and wanted to have sex, acting like it was no big deal.

I have tried fighting back before, and it only makes it worse and fires him up more. Which leads to more physical and verbal abuse. I could go on and on about my situation. But I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone at all! We have very similar situations and I would hate to see your boyfriend start physically abusing you. My bf had a girl that he talked to on the phone in Indiana(we live in Maine) and I got hit and thrown around when I asked about it. I think in your situation, your boyfriend may be just using you for sex until someone else comes along. Thats what I think my boyfriend is doing right now. I have confronted him many many times about the way he treats me and the way i feel about it. Nothing has changed, he just says "im sorry i didnt mean to do that." And ends up doing it again days later. Right now I am working up my strength to get away from him. It is hard when you have been dependent on him for many years. I am used to being abused by now, my whole body has kind of become accustomed to being treated this way.

I REALLY feel alone. Way back in highschool, my bf isolated me away from any friends I had at that time. Therefore, I haven't had my own friends for many years. I actually dont have any friends except for one girl I only talk to online that lives in Georgia and an ex-boyfriend who im still on friendly terms with and my bf doesnt know im talking to him online. I spend all day by myself in my room or with my bf who constantly puts me down, accuses me of everyone and everything, blames me for everything that happens to him, embarrasses me in front of his friends, tells people my secrets, threatens me, threatens to destroy my belongings and threatens our relationship, says he is going to kill himself if i leave him, calls me hurtful names, says that no other guy would want me or put up with my bullsh*t, tries to control and manipulate me every chance he gets, doesnt let me do anything that doesnt involve him, calls his friends to "check up" on me online, treats me like a servant without appreciating it, gets mad at me out of nowhere or for asking a simple question, i am accused everyday that i supposedly am still seeing my ex boyfriend and which in truth, we are enemies.

He loves to play mind games with me and tries to convince me that im the crazy one. He ripped my jacket last week while we were fighting and made fun of me/mocked me while i was crying. A few years ago he almost killed me by choking me because I found porn magazines that he had promised a year ago to throw out. He constantly says all day, "you dont love me." He thinks he's always right and can't admit he's wrong when I clearly prove him wrong. Now get this....I dont know if your bf does this to you but mine usually ignores me and just sits there playing his video game...occasionally ordering me around, not letting me play the game with him, not talking to me unless I say something....He's not interested in me unless he wants something from me, usually sex.

He usually blames his abusive behavior on lack of nicotine, pot and/or sex. He gets angry if I refuse to have sex with him. He has no respect for me, he constantly talks over me, interrupts me and intentionally ignores me, this behavior increases when his friends are around. He often "puts on a show" when his friends are around to make him seem like the good guy and make me look like the bad guy. He has always had a chronic lieing problem...he lies about lots of little things and also the big important things. He never wants to talk to me about anything serious or important....just argues with me until I drop it. Everytime I have asked him why he hits me or gets so easily angered, he says its because of me. Everything, according to him, is my fault. I have given him hundreds more chances than I should of given him and now my body and mental health are suffering. He will often snap in and out of moods.

For a few minutes he will be extremely angry and hateful and then after Ive been crying for a few minutes, he will snap back to mr. nice guy and wants to wipe away my tears and apoligize. When we start a fight, i find that he doesnt stop until i start crying. It's like it makes him feel so much better to see me upset because i supposedly made him upset. As I said, Im trying everyday to build up my confidence and strength to finally leave him for good.....we have broken up and gotten back together probably at least 6 times. The relationship always gets worse every time we do that. I am still in it because I am afraid to leave, afraid what he will do to me and himself when we break up and I thought I loved him, but how can I love someone who treats me like this and doesnt let me live life to the fullest, or really hardly at all??? Think about that very carefully....now do you want to end up like me in my situation?? I didnt think so. So suck it up, you owe it to yourself to get out of this unhealthy unhappy relationship. I kept hoping my bf would change for the better too...It's been over five years now and nothing has changed, it only GETS WORSE! MUCH MUCH WORSE:-( So get out while the clouds have cleared and before the storm comes back.

Libby, this one's for you...

http://www.justicewomen.com/tips_escape.html

Best wishes,

Craig

Libby/Tina, please listen to Craig's advice and seek help now.

You can leave these men behind and move on to one day have happy, healthy relationships.

WEll, ive never been to a site like this before, and i stumbled across this topic. I have been with my bf for 4 years now, im 19. We started dating freshman year of high school. I have to say that i have been through the abusive blah and what not. It was horrible, i had no friends, HE had no friends becuase he was afraid i was going to leave him for a friend..... needless to say, it was a mess. I felt alone and lost, he was lost, we were lost, and we would break up, and get back together every 2 weeks of the first 3 years. I know its not how its suposed to be, but i had hope that he would someday be the guy i fell in love with in highschool. Now, that wasnt smart, if i had left, i could have had alot more fun and saved myself alot of grief. I did leave once at the end of 3 years... i broke it off completely, and started hangin around with other guys.(which is also a bad idea).. but it helped with the pain of leaving him. It was hard to avoid him but i did for about 3 months. It was lonely, and being lonely, i decided to see him again, since he had begged and begged me... supposedly he was sorry, he had found himself, he knew the wrong that he had done me ( he was also cheating sporatically)... and suposedly he was a new man. SOOOO like ne stupid girl, i went back. It was wonderful at first, i wa like wow, this is it, the forever kind... and im sitll with him. Sometimes i think its better to let go. Sometimes people need time to grow up. I cannot say that i am soo exstatic that i am still with him, but im content. We dont fight, he respects who iam, i repsect him,,,ect. What im trying to say is.... i think some of u that are abused , wanna leave, but u dont becuase u think someday it will get better and be perfect. What I have to say is that, yea, theres a chance it might get BETTER, but its not GREAT.... LEAve.....for good,,,, and get that romantic , best friend love that some people have found, becuase if you dont have it now, even if he DOES get better, He still wont be capable of giving that to you. No one like that is capable of that kind of love, and do you really wanna regret never feeling like you have done all you could in this one life that we have to live? cuz i feel... neutral... its not good or bad, ... go find the GOOD