Who's to blame?

REALLY? Marriages fail every day worldwide for various reasons. Whether it be spousal abuse, neglect, adultry and whatever else. But who's fault is it really?

I've read a lot of threads on this subject and a lot of advice, some good, some not so good. Not every situation is black and white.

Lets just take adultry as an example since that seems to be a BIG one.

Yes an adulterer is wrong for going outside the marriage to get a need fulfilled but lets break it down more, WHY did they feel the need to go outside the marriage?

Maybe their spouse neglects or totally ignores them? They wait YEARS for some kind of attention but the spouse makes time for everyone but them?

Maybe their spouse changed their appearance, for instance H is into small boobs but W gets a boobjob.

Or W loves clean men but H decides he no longer wants to take care of himself, brush his teeth ect and has them all yanked so he doesn't have to ( yes that does happen).

Are those valid reasons? Can a marriage counceler help a couple this far gone?

I only bring these points up because we only hear 1 side of every story on here, I don't think people are going to say yeah my wife cheated because I am a fat pig and refuse to take a bath and I had all my teeth yanked becuase I am too lazy to brush them and my wife refuses to kiss me anymore, I can't understand why she feels trapped and wants out...

See what I mean?

There is wayyy more to each story than we read on here. Too bad the other spouse doesn't post their side!

People change as we go through life experiencing all its ups and downs. Was your spouse really ever your bestest friend in the whole wide world? Did they put their needs first over yours and your children? When did the communication begin to break down? Did we take each others love for granted that it will always be there? Did we stop caring about ourselves and what we look like and feel like because we got "comfortable"?

Isnt part of marriage the ability to be comfortable with the one you love? Do allow your partner to see all your faults and not judge you on them? In the beginning, yes. But why did we allow life to coast us through our marriage and stop being lovers, and full time parents instead? Isnt it possible to be both lovers and parents? Why did we start neglecting the others needs? Men i believe dont understand that a womans emotional needs are as strong and as important as a mans physical needs. That is just the way we are both wired.

Somewhere along the way, we forgot we were married. We forgot that there is another person depending on us to provide those needs. Our daily lives are so hectic and busy. We are so preoccupied on earning an income, that we forget why were are sacrificing all those hours at work, for.

Life teaches us the lessons to improve and make our lives more richer with the tools we are provided with during any difficult time. Its how we use those tools later in life, will it depend on how successful we will become when faced with those same problems again later in life.

We all know too well, that separation and divorce is probably the painful journey to healing, any of us will hopefully go through during our short time on this planet. I think a lesson we can all take from our painful break ups, is that communication is so important between two people. Never take someone"s love for you, for granted. Forgive us for being human, and making the mistake, we as human make, from time to time, and remember that forgiving ourselves and loving ourselves is the greatest gift we can give ourselves.

People change as we go through life experiencing all its ups and downs. Was your spouse really ever your bestest friend in the whole wide world? Did they put their needs first over yours and your children? When did the communication begin to break down? Did we take each others love for granted that it will always be there? Did we stop caring about ourselves and what we look like and feel like because we got "comfortable"?

 

Isnt part of marriage the ability to be comfortable with the one you love? Do allow your partner to see all your faults and not judge you on them? In the beginning, yes. But why did we allow life to coast us through our marriage and stop being lovers, and full time parents instead? Isnt it possible to be both lovers and parents? Why did we start neglecting the others needs? Men i believe dont understand that a womans emotional needs are as strong and as important as a mans physical needs. That is just the way we are both wired.

 

Somewhere along the way, we forgot we were married. We forgot that there is another person depending on us to provide those needs. Our daily lives are so hectic and busy. We are so preoccupied on earning an income, that we forget why were are sacrificing all those hours at work, for.

 

Life teaches us the lessons to improve and make our lives more richer with the tools we are provided with during any difficult time. Its how we use those tools later in life, will it depend on how successful we will become when faced with those same problems again later in life.

 

We all know too well, that separation and divorce is probably the painful journey to healing, any of us will hopefully go through during our short time on this planet. I think a lesson we can all take from our painful break ups, is that communication is so important between two people. Never take someone"s love for you, for granted. Forgive us for being human, and making the mistake, we as human make, from time to time, and remember that forgiving ourselves and loving ourselves is the greatest gift we can give ourselves.

It's funny how when we first get married we have rose colored glasses on and choose to either ignore the faults or the other hides those till later. I don't believe that in the beginning of a marriage anyone allows their partner to see all their faults and trust them not to judge. At least mine didn't. Or again you think your spouse is 1 way and find they were just behaving back then and now they don't care.

We've been best friends and then not so good of friends, then best friends but a lot of that time I was a SAHM so I had nobody else to count on so he won by default. Maybe if we all lived on a deserted island with our spouses all would be right in the world. HAHAHA

I don't care what the supposed reasoning behind cheating is....it is still WRONG. If you don't want to be married then divorce before you cheat. Nothing justifies cheating.

I think when a person marries another person that they really are not totally in love with is worse than cheating on that person. A person gets married because they think it is the right thing to do because of a child, family, or the person has a good job and is a good person. When a man/woman does this, they are lying to them selves and cheating the other person out of real love. Cheating later just happens because you realized your mistake. If you truly are best friends and truly love them, then you can talk to them about getting fat or brushing their teeth. If they truly love you, they will do everything to make you fine them appealing. My wife and I lied to ourselves because we had a child. Now, 6 yrs later it is coming to an end. I am trying to hold on because of fear of losing my family. She and I should have been more honest with our selves from the begining. Well, it is too late now. We got married in our church with God and all our families & friends there. Divorce now is going to happen and it is going to hurt so many people just because she and I lied to each other at the begining.

So, I think that is worse than Cheating. Marriage in the 21st cent. should be outlawed! No one gets married for the right reasons or works to save a marriage when it is in trouble.

Cheating is wrong, but I can understand sometimes after 3 years of being neglected by my wife....

I have not and will not cheat, BUT what about the person (like myself) who barely makes it on their salary, let alone trying to divorce and live in a hole in the wall somewhere. Why should I live like that when my wife is not willing to acknowledge or work on our problems?

Plus I still love my kids and want to be with them, should I forsake my time with them because of the same reason?

All I am missing is some to be there for me emotionally and physically. How many years is a person expectd to endure loneliness and isolation from the opposite sex?

My wife has even said she wouldn't blame me if I found someone else.

My self respect and dignity is not something that I am willing to lose, thus I will not cheat, and do not believe in cheating, but I can certainly see how it could happen under the right circumstances.

I don't care what the supposed reasoning behind cheating is....it is still WRONG. If you don't want to be married then divorce before you cheat. Nothing justifies cheating.

- And how.

Every marriage is different... there's abuse and neglect which are obvious reasons. Most marriages? I know since the separation and divorce I've spent almost as much time blaming myself as my ex.. so there's enough blame to go around. Often times circumstances and events outside the marriage really affect it as well. I think the biggest relationship killers are stress, expectations and complacency.

Every marriage is different... there's abuse and neglect which are obvious reasons. Most marriages? I know since the separation and divorce I've spent almost as much time blaming myself as my ex.. so there's enough blame to go around. Often times circumstances and events outside the marriage really affect it as well. I think the biggest relationship killers are stress, expectations and complacency.

Spot on! Unfortunately, most people only start discussing these problems after they have checked out of a relationship and the talking becomes useless.

I don't care what the supposed reasoning behind cheating is....it is still WRONG. If you don't want to be married then divorce before you cheat. Nothing justifies cheating.

I only used cheating as an example because it seems to be a big reason on this board for a divorce.

I think when a person marries another person that they really are not totally in love with is worse than cheating on that person. A person gets married because they think it is the right thing to do because of a child, family, or the person has a good job and is a good person. When a man/woman does this, they are lying to them selves and cheating the other person out of real love. Cheating later just happens because you realized your mistake. If you truly are best friends and truly love them, then you can talk to them about getting fat or brushing their teeth. If they truly love you, they will do everything to make you fine them appealing. My wife and I lied to ourselves because we had a child. Now, 6 yrs later it is coming to an end. I am trying to hold on because of fear of losing my family. She and I should have been more honest with our selves from the begining. Well, it is too late now. We got married in our church with God and all our families & friends there. Divorce now is going to happen and it is going to hurt so many people just because she and I lied to each other at the begining.

 

So, I think that is worse than Cheating. Marriage in the 21st cent. should be outlawed! No one gets married for the right reasons or works to save a marriage when it is in trouble.

I happen to agree with most of what you said. Wonder how many marriages years ago only lasted because divorce wasn't so accepted?

Cheating is wrong, but I can understand sometimes after 3 years of being neglected by my wife....

 

I have not and will not cheat, BUT what about the person (like myself) who barely makes it on their salary, let alone trying to divorce and live in a hole in the wall somewhere. Why should I live like that when my wife is not willing to acknowledge or work on our problems?

 

Plus I still love my kids and want to be with them, should I forsake my time with them because of the same reason?

 

All I am missing is some to be there for me emotionally and physically. How many years is a person expectd to endure loneliness and isolation from the opposite sex?

 

My wife has even said she wouldn't blame me if I found someone else.

 

 

My self respect and dignity is not something that I am willing to lose, thus I will not cheat, and do not believe in cheating, but I can certainly see how it could happen under the right circumstances.

Sadly there are quite a few people in that situation.

Every marriage is different... there's abuse and neglect which are obvious reasons. Most marriages? I know since the separation and divorce I've spent almost as much time blaming myself as my ex.. so there's enough blame to go around. Often times circumstances and events outside the marriage really affect it as well. I think the biggest relationship killers are stress, expectations and complacency.

I TOTALLY agree!

Spot on! Unfortunately, most people only start discussing these problems after they have checked out of a relationship and the talking becomes useless.

I agree completely BUT do you think it's possible to REALLY put the relationship back on track once you've "checked out"?

REALLY? Marriages fail every day worldwide for various reasons. Whether it be spousal abuse, neglect, adultry and whatever else. But who's fault is it really?

I've read a lot of threads on this subject and a lot of advice, some good, some not so good. Not every situation is black and white.

Lets just take adultry as an example since that seems to be a BIG one.

 

Yes an adulterer is wrong for going outside the marriage to get a need fulfilled but lets break it down more, WHY did they feel the need to go outside the marriage?

Don't know, don't care. If the marriage was that damn bad to go out and betray the other in that way, then they should have either discussed their concerns, or just got a damn divorce.

It doesn't matter what led up to cheating. Unless physical or verbal abuse is in the picture, the cheating spouse now is burdened with having a more deplorable character. And once infidelity is involved, as far as I'm concerned, the only answer from that point on is divorce.

There's no cheating in reality, only thoughts of it. There is no physical or verbal abuse. The spouses do discuss the problems HOWEVER nothing changes, just more talk? You've talked and talked but mentally and emotionally you've already checked out, is it possible to "check back in"? Or is it really over?

There's no cheating in reality, only thoughts of it. There is no physical or verbal abuse. The spouses do discuss the problems HOWEVER nothing changes, just more talk? You've talked and talked but mentally and emotionally you've already checked out, is it possible to "check back in"? Or is it really over?

The 'thoughts of cheating' are integral to the emotional distancing in your marriage.

Recapturing love in a long-standing marriage requires a change in one's "inner monologue". IOW, instead of thinking things like, "I'm not in love with my spouse because of X, Y, and Z", we think instead, "I love my spouse because of A, B, and C".

When the inner monologue changes, and we follow up that change with loving action... then hell yeah... it really IS possible to recover excitement and passion for a long-standing or even a "boring" marriage.

It's all about attitude... and it starts with you.

The 'thoughts of cheating' are integral to the emotional distancing in your marriage.

 

Recapturing love in a long-standing marriage requires a change in one's "inner monologue". IOW, instead of thinking things like, "I'm not in love with my spouse because of X, Y, and Z", we think instead, "I love my spouse because of A, B, and C".

 

When the inner monologue changes, and we follow up that change with loving action... then hell yeah... it really IS possible to recover excitement and passion for a long-standing or even a "boring" marriage.

 

It's all about attitude... and it starts with you.

i.e.

We're each and everyone responsible for our own personal happiness! Our own personal contintment, happiness, "peace of mind"

Bottom line? We're all about as happy as we make our mimds up to be!

i.e.

 

We're each and everyone responsible for our own personal happiness! Our own personal contintment, happiness, "peace of mind"

 

Bottom line? We're all about as happy as we make our mimds up to be!

Exactly. Because we can "make our minds up" to be happy with ALL the good things in our lives. And that includes what our spouse is doing RIGHT instead of focusing on the negative.

The OP has said in another thread that her husband is a "great guy". So, when we're talking about negativity... we're not talking about substantive issues like wife-beating, cheating, gambling, and abuse. I think in a case like hers... a little optimism, a little smelling of the roses, checking out the silver linings of whatever clouds she spies on the horizon... might go a long, long way.

The 'thoughts of cheating' are integral to the emotional distancing in your marriage.

 

Recapturing love in a long-standing marriage requires a change in one's "inner monologue". IOW, instead of thinking things like, "I'm not in love with my spouse because of X, Y, and Z", we think instead, "I love my spouse because of A, B, and C".

 

When the inner monologue changes, and we follow up that change with loving action... then hell yeah... it really IS possible to recover excitement and passion for a long-standing or even a "boring" marriage.

 

It's all about attitude... and it starts with you.

This was a GREAT post!!! And I think you are sooooo right, it's all about attitude. Very good post indeed. The original reason for this post was because I read so many threads on here where a person is either poor you or or are such a piece because of this or that when really I think when a marriage fails the blame lies with both parties.

And yes, I am looking around me, trying to make sence of my life and trying to make my mind work as it used to. Some days are better than others but still here plugging away because honestly I can't even imagine myself without him. When I allow myself to dwell on only the negative then I start feeling like I can't breathe again but when I think on the positive I find myself falling in love with him again. But right now my emotions are all over the map. Some days they may start out good and by the end of the day I can't breathe again, on others it's the opposite. I just never know and I HATE that!

When I allow myself to dwell on only the negative then I start feeling like I can't breathe again but when I think on the positive I find myself falling in love with him again. But right now my emotions are all over the map. Some days they may start out good and by the end of the day I can't breathe again, on others it's the opposite. I just never know and I HATE that!

In times of stress, it's more important than ever to consciously focus your thoughts. Sometimes, you have to be a little strict with yourself about it, and realize that when you indulge in 'stinking thinking' it might feel pretty good, at least for a few minutes, like you're releasing some of that pent-up stress. But in actuality... it creates a monster, one who FEEDS on itself. Picture it like a loop-shaped monster, chewing it's own tail... surrounding you and serving no good purpose. It gradually enlarges itself over time, distancing you from all the people you love and care about so that they can no longer reach you.

Now, if a mental picture like THAT isn't incentive to be conscious of the harm in negative thoughts... I don't know what is.

On observation of all kinds of threads here at LS, I've noticed a trend having to do with life-stress and "torch-holding". I've noticed that when people are really challenged emotionally, for all kinds of reasons... they tend to want to escape from the realities of their daily life and distract themselves by focusing their restless energy outside the marriage.

You see it sometimes in young men, just starting out their families. But they don't usually understand the source of their stress. They just feel restless and unhappy. They're looking for an exit, and CREATING problems that feel more concrete in order to justify it, blaming their wife and their circumstances instead.

All the while, the source of their anxiety is just impending fatherhood and family life; the worry that they won't be equal to the task at hand, the worry that they'll be trapped forever, etc. So... next thing you know, a young guy like that is boinking a co-worker and claiming he's "in love".

THERE... now he feels like he's got a real problem to deal with, something he can sink his teeth into. And wouldn't it have all been simpler if he's have just looked inside himself and IDENTIFIED the latent anxiety he was feeling?

Sometimes you see it in men at the midlife in their early forties, or women going through the mini midlife crisis in their mid-thirties. Sometimes you see it in women who are dealing with empty nest syndrome or taking care of aging parents. And I've noticed that ALOT of women, tend to become somewhat obsessed over their "first love"... just like you. (So, you're not weird. )

When you stop to REALLY think about it, our "first love" experience takes us back in time, to better days when we were young, energetic, and the world was a simpler place and still our oyster. When you look at it like that, it's easy to see that the "first love" fantasy is just an illusion built on escapism.

Anyway, I really do think you'll feel better if you take the time to sort through your inner self... and FIND whatever latent anxiety is lurking in there, whatever it is that makes you feel like you want to run. Once you address the real problem, all this other stuff should fade away rather nicely.

In times of stress, it's more important than ever to consciously focus your thoughts. Sometimes, you have to be a little strict with yourself about it, and realize that when you indulge in 'stinking thinking' it might feel pretty good, at least for a few minutes, like you're releasing some of that pent-up stress. But in actuality... it creates a monster, one who FEEDS on itself. Picture it like a loop-shaped monster, chewing it's own tail... surrounding you and serving no good purpose. It gradually enlarges itself over time, distancing you from all the people you love and care about so that they can no longer reach you.

 

Now, if a mental picture like THAT isn't incentive to be conscious of the harm in negative thoughts... I don't know what is.

 

 

 

On observation of all kinds of threads here at LS, I've noticed a trend having to do with life-stress and "torch-holding". I've noticed that when people are really challenged emotionally, for all kinds of reasons... they tend to want to escape from the realities of their daily life and distract themselves by focusing their restless energy outside the marriage.

 

You see it sometimes in young men, just starting out their families. But they don't usually understand the source of their stress. They just feel restless and unhappy. They're looking for an exit, and CREATING problems that feel more concrete in order to justify it, blaming their wife and their circumstances instead.

 

All the while, the source of their anxiety is just impending fatherhood and family life; the worry that they won't be equal to the task at hand, the worry that they'll be trapped forever, etc. So... next thing you know, a young guy like that is boinking a co-worker and claiming he's "in love".

 

THERE... now he feels like he's got a real problem to deal with, something he can sink his teeth into. And wouldn't it have all been simpler if he's have just looked inside himself and IDENTIFIED the latent anxiety he was feeling?

 

Sometimes you see it in men at the midlife in their early forties, or women going through the mini midlife crisis in their mid-thirties. Sometimes you see it in women who are dealing with empty nest syndrome or taking care of aging parents. And I've noticed that ALOT of women, tend to become somewhat obsessed over their "first love"... just like you. (So, you're not weird. )

 

When you stop to REALLY think about it, our "first love" experience takes us back in time, to better days when we were young, energetic, and the world was a simpler place and still our oyster. When you look at it like that, it's easy to see that the "first love" fantasy is just an illusion built on escapism.

 

Anyway, I really do think you'll feel better if you take the time to sort through your inner self... and FIND whatever latent anxiety is lurking in there, whatever it is that makes you feel like you want to run. Once you address the real problem, all this other stuff should fade away rather nicely.

It is hard at times to block those negative thoughts, ESPECIALLY when I am PMSing, oh my gosh, I get so mean, and I have a nasty temper! The last 2 days before I start I am pretty explosive and there is NOTHING I can do about it, I HATE it! I can't seem to shut them down. Either the thoughts or the rage.

Ok, that mental picture just didn't click but I think I know what you are trying to say with it. The thoughts, negative or positive feed on themselves and grow overwhelming the others and the negative puts a barrier between us and the ones we love. Correct?

You hit the nail on the head about the young men because this exact thing happened to me. Hubby cheated after less than 2 years of marriage when I was pregnant with our middle daughter and had custody of my daughter from a previous marriage. When asked he's always said he didn't know why. I always gave him sort of a free pass because of the pressure I imagined he was under going from it being just us 2 to having 2 kids in 2 months time.

For me, I just don't know, it started about 5 years ago, not sure this is a midlife crisis or just plain being sick of being the fall guy and getting blamed for everything his parents preceive is wrong with my family and him not sticking up for me. It came to a head about 5 years ago and it's VERY hard for me to let this go and apparantly he isn't having as much trouble letting it go. I got tired of being left while he was doing crap with and for other people while never doing the stuff we need done here. So yeah when I met up with my first love again my heart went absolutely nuts, added to the fact that I never had closure over him and never stopped dreaming and thinking about him then to find that he was in the same mental place that I was in was TOUGH, makes for a rocky road for me. HOWEVER.... let me update a little on that sitaution. We are still emailing but it's not like it was, we are just talking as friends and sort of helping each other through this, weird how we evolved into this. I am glad though because we were always good friends and don't think we REALLY wanted that. The fantasies were great as long as no reality played into it but if you let your mind wander past the fog the other side is pretty scary too.

Sorry, got off topic.

Anyway, Since that happened with his family it's went from bad to worse with us. I have an even harder time trusting him now than when he cheated. THAT I don't understand at all. Since that happened I see ALL his flaws, flaws I could ignore before get on my last nerve and every time he sticks up for his family I almost hate him for it.

Anyway sorry for the extremely long post.

It is hard at times to block those negative thoughts, ESPECIALLY when I am PMSing, oh my gosh, I get so mean, and I have a nasty temper! The last 2 days before I start I am pretty explosive and there is NOTHING I can do about it, I HATE it! I can't seem to shut them down. Either the thoughts or the rage.

Ok, that mental picture just didn't click but I think I know what you are trying to say with it. The thoughts, negative or positive feed on themselves and grow overwhelming the others and the negative puts a barrier between us and the ones we love. Correct?

You hit the nail on the head about the young men because this exact thing happened to me. Hubby cheated after less than 2 years of marriage when I was pregnant with our middle daughter and had custody of my daughter from a previous marriage. When asked he's always said he didn't know why. I always gave him sort of a free pass because of the pressure I imagined he was under going from it being just us 2 to having 2 kids in 2 months time.

For me, I just don't know, it started about 5 years ago, not sure this is a midlife crisis or just plain being sick of being the fall guy and getting blamed for everything his parents preceive is wrong with my family and him not sticking up for me. It came to a head about 5 years ago and it's VERY hard for me to let this go and apparantly he isn't having as much trouble letting it go. I got tired of being left while he was doing crap with and for other people while never doing the stuff we need done here. So yeah when I met up with my first love again my heart went absolutely nuts, added to the fact that I never had closure over him and never stopped dreaming and thinking about him then to find that he was in the same mental place that I was in was TOUGH, makes for a rocky road for me. HOWEVER.... let me update a little on that sitaution. We are still emailing but it's not like it was, we are just talking as friends and sort of helping each other through this, weird how we evolved into this. I am glad though because we were always good friends and don't think we REALLY wanted that. The fantasies were great as long as no reality played into it but if you let your mind wander past the fog the other side is pretty scary too.

Sorry, got off topic.

Anyway, Since that happened with his family it's went from bad to worse with us. I have an even harder time trusting him now than when he cheated. THAT I don't understand at all. Since that happened I see ALL his flaws, flaws I could ignore before get on my last nerve and every time he sticks up for his family I almost hate him for it.

Anyway sorry for the extremely long post.

Do you feel like you're self-fruitful in terms of contentment and happiness?

Maybe the thing to do is to explore your inner self a bit and see if you feel like you're depending on your husband to 'make you happy'. Because other people can't really do that for you, you know. Maintaining a healthy individuality is important to both partners in marriage because we do need to be content within ourselves and not dependent on our partner for completion.

I'm going to reprint an earlier post for you which kind of describes why individuality is important:

I look at marriage as more of a trinity... the two individuals and the 'couple entity', each existing on the same plane, each of equal importance, and each in need of equal energy. There are things I do everyday for my spouse, things I do which support our goals as a couple, and things I do just for me. And when my sweetie utilizes his energy likewise... things are GREAT.

 

Where we run into trouble though, is in sometimes forgetting to broadcast our energy throughout the "trinity". We can't neglect our partner, we can't neglect our 'coupleness', and we can't neglect ourselves without causing disorder to the marriage.

 

This is where we get to the cool part ... Because we recognize the need to expend our energy equally three ways, it becomes less burdensome to allow each other time and energy to just be ourselves. It makes it possible to be happy for our partner in his/her enjoyment of the unique person s/he is. We give our partners the gift of acceptance.

 

It also becomes possible to indulge ourselves without feeling fettered by guilt, knowing that we rejuvenate our energy by doing so, and that this allows us to bring fresh energy and the spirit of cooperation to the 'couple entity'.

 

When you think about it, none of us marry with the intent that we're going to make our partner into something else. At least, I hope not anyway.

We marry to augment our lives and that of our partner. Our intent is to add, not to subtract. So, it makes no sense to put ourselves into a situation in which we're trying to change somebody, especially to the extent that it hinders their ability to find joy in life.

 

A marriage license isn't a bill of sale. Nobody should have to give up the person they ARE. Marriage shouldn't limit us to being one "half" of something else. It should create a sense of MORE. I should still be allowed to be ME. My husband should still be allowed to be himself. And together... we create something new and... well, MORE than we were each alone.

Anyway, that's where I would start if it was me. I'd look within myself for latent anxiety, I'd explore my sense of individuality and make sure I wasn't depending on my partner for completion... and also, I'd talk to my GYN about PMS. One needn't suffer. There are medications which can keep it from becoming debilitating.

i.e.

 

We're each and everyone responsible for our own personal happiness! Our own personal contintment, happiness, "peace of mind"

 

Bottom line? We're all about as happy as we make our mimds up to be!

This is so very important for any successful relationship. You need to be 100% responsible for YOU before you really have anything to offer to a potential partner.

Many feel like someone out there is going to "save them" from the drudgery of their own life - they poison their own marriage to be with this "wonderful" new person. Of course, everything comes crashing down eventually - and they're left with not only the originial depression that undid the marriage - but the guilt of the affair - AND a new relationship with a stranger.

So, when I hear someone asking who's to "blame" - I guess I have mixed feelings about it. Yes, the cheater is wrong. But they usually pay for it in much harsher terms.

Do you feel like you're self-fruitful in terms of contentment and happiness?

 

Maybe the thing to do is to explore your inner self a bit and see if you feel like you're depending on your husband to 'make you happy'. Because other people can't really do that for you, you know. Maintaining a healthy individuality is important to both partners in marriage because we do need to be content within ourselves and not dependent on our partner for completion.

 

I'm going to reprint an earlier post for you which kind of describes why individuality is important:

 

 

Anyway, that's where I would start if it was me. I'd look within myself for latent anxiety, I'd explore my sense of individuality and make sure I wasn't depending on my partner for completion... and also, I'd talk to my GYN about PMS. One needn't suffer. There are medications which can keep it from becoming debilitating.

I'd have to say in all honesty that for a LOT of years I depended on him for my happiness and when I got older I started to depend more on myself, not sure if it's really the happiness but independence for sure and he doesn't like it 1 bit. I think he prefered me at home with small children and no friends. I am definatly going to have to deep think this more to get a more accuate assessment of things. At the moment I might be mistaking independence for happiness. I will try to revisit this post later on tonight, it's kind of hard these days because I can't even get on the computer without him reading over my shoulder (and he hates to read) at what I am writitng then having to explain myself..... UGGGG