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Ginger Beer

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Ginger Beer

Hi everyone, just looking for some advice if that's OK? I'm new here so not sure where I should post this but here goes.

 

I was good friends with a girl for a couple of years and we eventually got together last summer after having feelings for each other for a while. It was great at first but I don't think she was over her ex who she was with after we became friends and I got jealous which started to make things awkward. She ended it a couple of months after we got together and we tried to be friends. It didn't work and things got said (on my part) and this resulted in her saying she was having a fresh start and to have a nice life.

 

She text me out of the blue 3 weeks later and we got speaking again, but it was still awkward because I love her and couldn't take that she wasn't with me.

 

Just before Christmas I made the decision to cut her off completely and all the mutual friends we know, I turned my phone off and tried to move on. It was all going good and I turned my phone back on a month ago, no texts from anyone. Until last week when she texts the following:

 

Babe of my life why are you blanking? I need you xxxxxxxx
Which I ignored. She then rang about two hours later and I ignored that too. Then she text first thing the next morning
:( miss you, please talk to me xxxxxxxx
Which I ignored again.

 

I was desperate to reply but thought I have come this far and had no contact for so long, I don't want my heart broken again. She sent another text the day after saying:

I'm going to Newcastle today :) I don't know why I'm telling you this as you won't reply, I feel like I'm talking to a dead person haha TOUCH WOOD. Miss you chicken, I want you back in my life :( xxxxxxxxx
Now I am confused because after she ended it back in September she was reluctant to make contact and seemed like she was pushing me away, so for her to do all of this, all at once seems strange. Does she still have feelings for me? Or is she just worried because nobody has heard from me? She is quite loving in her texts anyway so I can't tell whether they mean anything. The phonecall was really unexpected though as I'd asked her to phone since she ended it and she avoided it.

 

Since then she has text:

 

I had a dream you were speaking to me again, please speak to me :( xxxxxxx
And:
I'm locked out my house some man laughed at me. I miss you, please please please don't blank me xxxxxxxxxx
Again I have ignored these texts. Then last night I received the following text from a mutual friend of ours:

 

alright mate not spoke to ya in ages, hope ur ok, miss ya
Then she text about 20 mins later:
im speaking to jj about you, im telling him about when ur voice used to break on the phone and id laugh then you'd laugh cos i always squeak when i laugh :'( love and miss u xxxxxxxxxx
I have replied to the mutual friend just with a ''I know, long time ain't it, you alright anyway mate?'' but haven't replied to her, yet.

 

I do want her back as she is my first love and I have thought about her every day and her getting in contact again brought all the pain back and I don't know if I should reply. Do you think she still has feelings? Is there a chance she wants me back?

 

Thank you for reading this, will appreciate any advice. :)

 

I am 22 by the way. And male. :)

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ReturnToSender

You asked in the other thread if shes giving you crumbs, and Im going to have to say yes. Shes just saying random things to get your attention and try to illicit an emotion and response out of you. Shes not saying anything of substance that says shes taking you or a possible relationship seriously.

 

I recently asked on here what the difference is between crumbs and an honest attempt to reconnect, how to tell the difference and give the other person a chance.. Since the reason Ive gone NC is because he is "confused about what he wants"and "not ready to be in a serious relationship"...anything less than telling me hes sure about what he wants and/or ready to be in a serious relationship and wants to know if I am still willing to talk about it is crumbs.

 

Im not sure what you want her to turn around and change to make the relationship work, since the main thing you brought up that I can see is your jealousy and how she reacted to that...but whatever it is she has to proclaim to prove she is serious about changing/improving whatever it is that caused you to go NC would probably be it.

 

And if it is your jealousy, or things about you that you can recgonize as the reason she stepped away, then it would seem its actually up to you to show her that you have changed that and willing to do what it takes to make the relationship work. In that case, he contacting you may be her reaching out beause she is missing you and wants to reconnect....at which point it would seem the ball is actually in your court to show her what has changed about yourself, whatever it is that caused her to distance herself in the first place, so that you guys can work on reconciling.

 

But then Im new to NC, so someone wiser an more knowledgeable may be able to clarify this and have more to add...

Edited by ReturnToSender
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To be honest, stay away. It isn't worth the headache that it will cause later.

 

What you want out of reconnecting with her may be something completely different then she wants out of the reconnection. So really you have to ask yourself, do you want out of this. If its a rekindled relationship, run far away.

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welikeincrowds

Damn, she's bringing mutual friends into it, is she?

 

I was desperate to reply but thought I have come this far and had no contact for so long, I don't want my heart broken again.
I'm feeling that this is the right way to go. Hmm, but it's hard for me to say this, because I don't know enough about the breakup for one thing, or her for that matter.

 

And what's significant here is that we're talking about your happiness. I want you to make the decision that allows you to be happy.

 

Among other questions, you should be able to answer these two (to yourself):

 

  1. What are the consequences of bringing her back into my life?
  2. Is she someone with whom I can move forward in life?

 

I will say one thing. NC is not a game. By that I mean it is a tool that you use to protect your heart and regain control over your life. You don't "lose" if you decide to speak to her at some point. You just don't want to do it if you don't think you'll be able to handle it, or if you don't think anything constructive can result from it.

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Ginger Beer
You asked in the other thread if shes giving you crumbs, and Im going to have to say yes. Shes just saying random things to get your attention and try to illicit an emotion and response out of you. Shes not saying anything of substance that says shes taking you or a possible relationship seriously.

 

I recently asked on here what the difference is between crumbs and an honest attempt to reconnect, how to tell the difference and give the other person a chance.. Since the reason Ive gone NC is because he is "confused about what he wants"and "not ready to be in a serious relationship"...anything less than telling me hes sure about what he wants and/or ready to be in a serious relationship and wants to know if I am still willing to talk about it is crumbs.

 

Im not sure what you want her to turn around and change to make the relationship work, since the main thing you brought up that I can see is your jealousy and how she reacted to that...but whatever it is she has to proclaim to prove she is serious about changing/improving whatever it is that caused you to go NC would probably be it.

 

And if it is your jealousy, or things about you that you can recgonize as the reason she stepped away, then it would seem its actually up to you to show her that you have changed that and willing to do what it takes to make the relationship work. In that case, he contacting you may be her reaching out beause she is missing you and wants to reconnect....at which point it would seem the ball is actually in your court to show her what has changed about yourself, whatever it is that caused her to distance herself in the first place, so that you guys can work on reconciling.

 

But then Im new to NC, so someone wiser an more knowledgeable may be able to clarify this and have more to add...

 

That wasn't the problem, she kept trying to please her ex and didn't want him to find out about us :eek:

 

That's why I got jealous, like an idiot I went along with it though.

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ReturnToSender
That wasn't the problem, she kept trying to please her ex and didn't want him to find out about us :eek:

 

That's why I got jealous, like an idiot I went along with it though.

 

A ha! Well then yeah, looks like the ball is indeed in her court and shes giving you crumbs...accept nothing less than something of substance to let you know shes serious about even wanting a second chance...anything else is just seeing if you will respond, which will stroke her ego, and from what Ive read on here, odds are high she will then just disappear again.

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Brother ...

Don't you notice that she is just a fun loving person? She is in it just for the fun of it ... So, here are my 2 cents ...

 

You are young, act like a young person ... just have fun, have a good time. Don't attach yourself too much into this ... or you will get hurt.

Just have a good time ... and don't act so seriously ... you are 22 ... plenty of time ahead of you. If she isn't the right one ... so what?

Just have fun man ... just have a good time.

 

Joe ...

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Ginger Beer

Thanks for your replies. :)

 

I was so close to replying on the day I posted this thread. I feel better after reading some of the responses. Thank you all. :)

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Ginger Beer

BUMP

 

After a 10-day lull in texts; she sends me another one first thing this morning saying.

 

I keep doing really funny things that I know you would laugh at :( miss you so ****ing much :( xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Still crumbs?

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Ginger Beer

Sorry to keep bumping this thread but she text again on Saturday, I had spoken to a mutual friend who I got into contact with who I had avoided since I went into NC with her, I told him I turned my phone off and I didn't get any of his messages, then she text saying:

 

did you get any of my messages? xxxx

 

And then another text today:

 

talk to me shnookum :( xxx

 

Are these still ''breadcrumbs''? She seems very determined and she's been asking every mutual friend about me...

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SweetDaphne

I'd still say crumbs. But it's really up to you to decide how you want to proceed. You can ask what she wants and why she keeps texting, but then you're opening yourself up for hurt.

 

Only you can make the decision for yourself as to whether or not you want to talk to her. But if you've made the decision that you're done and you truly want to move on, I'd suggest blocking her number from connecting with your phone (you can contact your phone carrier to figure it out). It's the only way you'll be to get true NC and finally move on.

 

Best of luck!!

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ChessPieceFace

Those are crumbs? Any of those messages is more interest than any girl has ever shown in me in my 35 years of life. Err, well mostly. I guess I tend to forget the couple needy, desperate girls I had no interest in.

 

Anyway, you say you love her, she obviously wants you back, I don't see what the issue is. I personally would give it a shot and talk to her about the concerns you had previously (her ex.) You're going to give up the love of your life because you can't trust her? Well, I don't see why you'd have opened ANY line of communication then. Make a decision, either trust her or don't. Then act on that decision.

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Ginger Beer
Those are crumbs? Any of those messages is more interest than any girl has ever shown in me in my 35 years of life. Err, well mostly. I guess I tend to forget the couple needy, desperate girls I had no interest in.

 

Anyway, you say you love her, she obviously wants you back, I don't see what the issue is. I personally would give it a shot and talk to her about the concerns you had previously (her ex.) You're going to give up the love of your life because you can't trust her? Well, I don't see why you'd have opened ANY line of communication then. Make a decision, either trust her or don't. Then act on that decision.

How can you be so sure? :eek:

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Ginger Beer

Thread update.

 

She has text me since the last update saying:

 

I'm watching (TV program we both like) and thinking of you :) miss you gorgeous boy xxxxxxxx

 

And:

 

I know you've spoke to (mutual friend's name) so that just means you're blanking me... Can you please just talk to me even if it is to say F*** off and never talk to me again? :( Not hearing from you is killing me xxxxxxxxx

 

It's now been a month of constant texts from her, 11 in total and 1 missed phonecall.

 

Is this more than just crumbs (I know I keep asking but I'm unsure).

 

Ideally I would like to reconcile with her, I feel better since December, when I started NC and it does seem like she misses me but I'm unsure of what to do?

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This is what I do when a chick plays these types of games with me.

I tell them:

 

"look, I got enough friends & i'm a busy guy. If you don't have anything more to offer don't waste my time"

 

However, I wasn't in love with these women so i honestly didn't care if I got with them or not.

 

Now you may think it sounds bitter or pissed or whatnot, but it lets an attention whore know their game is up & it lets women that are interested know their going to loose you for good if they don't stop playing games.

 

I've gotten 2 attention whores to leave me alone & one woman to show up at my door & spend the night.

 

Then she went back to her ex. oh well.

Have I mentioned how much I hate dating? LOL!

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  • 2 weeks later...
ChessPieceFace
How can you be so sure? :eek:

 

Umm, because she keeps sending him obsessive text messages indicating she desperately wants him back and is thinking about him constantly? I'm a bit incredulous as to how anyone can see all that and default to thinking it's insincere. That's just weird. Is there a track record of this girl outright fabricating things to this level just to mess with someone? I couldn't find anything like that in my cursory re-examination of the OP. Just that they were together and she broke it off. Seems like she wants another go at it.

 

If someone texted me constantly saying they wanted to be with me, I would think they were pretty obsessed with me. What am I missing here...

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leftfordead2
Umm, because she keeps sending him obsessive text messages indicating she desperately wants him back and is thinking about him constantly? I'm a bit incredulous as to how anyone can see all that and default to thinking it's insincere. That's just weird. Is there a track record of this girl outright fabricating things to this level just to mess with someone? I couldn't find anything like that in my cursory re-examination of the OP. Just that they were together and she broke it off. Seems like she wants another go at it.

 

If someone texted me constantly saying they wanted to be with me, I would think they were pretty obsessed with me. What am I missing here...

 

What you're missing is the keyword "texts". I can fire off such texts in less than a minute and at anytime i feel like it. If she really wants him back, why is she texting only?

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"If someone texted me constantly saying they wanted to be with me, I would think they were pretty obsessed with me. What am I missing here..."

 

I see absolutely nothing in any of the texts that say she wants to get back together....only that she is desperate for attention and to prove that he still has a "thing" for her. She's looking for an ego boost not a bf.

 

"shnookum"??? Are you kidding me? Believe me, if you respond to that kind of nonsense, any respect that she may have for you will quickly disappear. You'll become nothing but a doormat in her mind.

 

Look, I'm sorry to be so brutal, but I know no other way to put this. She used you to make herself feel better when things weren't working out with her ex then she ditched you when she thought she didn't need you anymore. Then, for whatever reason (most likely she got dumped or rejected or maybe she just realized that you had disappeared and couldn't handle the thought that she could have been forgotten), she decided to contact you. Since you didn't respond as she expected, she has become obsessed with the challenge of breaking you down. Ironically, in resisting her, you have inspired her interest, but the moment she succeeds, it will instantly disappear.

 

If she were truly remorseful about how she treated you, instead of making HERSELF and what SHE needs/wants the focus of every text, she would have apologized for her actions. And, if she truly cared about YOUR feelings, she wouldn't have asked you for anything. Instead, her texts are all about what SHE wants, what SHE misses, and are filled with "bait" to get you to miss her.

 

Stay strong, my friend. Save yourself from what is sure to be even more heartache.

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How much harder do can you possibly expect the girl to try?

 

The only thing stopping you contacting this girl is FEAR. Fear of it not working again, fear you're being mislead, fear of getting hurt, fear of making a mistake and doing the wrong thing. Letting fear control your life is no way to be happy. You'll end up huddled in a little cardboard box of your own making.

 

Have the courage to follow your heart and see where it leads, knowing you risk getting hurt. And if you do, be brave enough to take it like a man and move on.

 

No-Contact is for those without the strength of character to deal with their own emotions. It's a crutch, and the longer you use it the more you'll come to rely on it. You don't need it.

 

You genuinely want her back, right? So take a risk. Talk to her. Find out how she's really feeling, because sure as hell you'll have a better idea whether it's worth trying again after doing that than you will just from reading her texts. Maybe she's changed her mind, or maybe she's just after attention. Either way you're gonna have to contact her if you want to find out.

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"How much harder do can you possibly expect the girl to try?"

 

LOL...unless she has a severe disability that makes pushing a few buttons unbearably painful, it takes very little effort or time to send a few short text messages...obviously, "it's the least she could do."

 

How about apologizing for the way she treated him or at least attempting to explain her actions in a letter?

 

Or, even better...why not just respect HIS decision to not respond to her?

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I broke contact with an old co-worker after he made some cruel comments about my boyfriend nearly 2 months ago. We were friends until then, and I admit I liked the attention that he gave me. But it eventually came to a point where it couldn't continue. He will still send me 1 - 3 text messages a week. Eventually, I figure he'll get the point.

 

People who are focused on their exes really suck. Some grow out of this (mine did...after AGES) and some don't. Some are just auto-tuned to looking back in the past the entire time they're in another relationship.

 

She's trying to elicit a response from you. Maybe she's lonely now because the ex thing didn't pan out, and she likely knows about your feelings for her. She's given you no honest comment about reconnecting; she 'misses you' and is willing to text you whatever BS she can think of to get your attention, but there is nothing of substance. No apology for what she did with the ex; no effort to try and meet up with you and work out your problems.

 

She's wanting attention because she's got some raging sexual narcissism going on. I.e., look at me love me pleaseee! But will there be anything in return? I doubt it. All of her texts are focused on her needs, her feelings, her wants. There's really no regard there for you. It's all about what you can bring her. Is she even sorry for what she did to you?

 

You're already ignoring her because you feel it can only end badly. Well, you already know what's best. If you send her a reply, it should be, "I have no interest in communicating with you further. This is going to be the end of our contact." Contact your phone provider and see if it's possible to block her number or to block her text messages (I'm not sure if some can do this or not).

 

And start moving forward with your life. You don't want to be the guy who's hung-up on his ex either, so it's time to get this toxin out of your life and stop thinking about her and receiving her messages. She's a little nuts to spend a month or more texting someone who won't answer her. After 2 - 3 text messages, I would have chalked it up to a lost cause.

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ChessPieceFace

Sorry, blanked on the fact that GB was the OP.

 

GB: So you said you didn't answer when she called, maybe she thinks texts are the best way to reach you. Have you responded in texts more recently than you've talked to her on the phone?

 

Anyway, while I think she clearly wants you back, I don't think it's worth pursuing. Reading through your posts again, I agree with whoever said she just gets obsessed with her ex's. Looks like a pattern there. You said previously she wanted to be with you and hide it from her ex. I'd never be with someone that lied and deceived like that.

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