pkn06002 answers to taylors questions

Taylor you asked the following yesterday and I did not answer since I did not want to TJ. See the below for my answers.

It's true. You do have to have a true motivation to save something you value.

 

A question for you PKN. How much effort is your wife putting into your marriage to affair-proof it? Is she motivated to save the marriage? Working to save the marriage is a joint effort. You can't do it alone.

I know she is motivated to save the marriage, but working to affair proof it no. I am the one that has changed to affair-proof me. The emotional pain is just not worth the relationship.

In a previous post you mention your needs:

 

A physically attractive wife

A physically active wife.

Light-hearted conversation.

Good sex.

A willingness to compromise on child-rearing.

 

What steps has your wife taken to meet these needs. Your desire for her will also hinge on her willingness to do kind and loving acts to meet your needs as well. You will not get too far in marital recovery if you are the only one taking deliberate action to be kinder and more loving to your partner. Both need to be active in meeting each other's needs.

 

I get the feeling your wife is not motivated to improve the marriage even though it's what you need to be happy in it.

 

Has she made any attempt to address the needs you listed above?

She has been working on number one above, the others not so much.

And if not, why?

I really don't know why. She was working on the sex one but unless I constantly pushed she just went back to the same old. We have talked about this a bit and sex really is not important to her. Anyone that tells you any sex is good sex has not had GOOD sex. Let me tell you what I have with her does not qualify.

Everything else she is content with.

We were making progress (Aug timeframe) and even our MC was impressed by the changes she was making. Since my wife is stubborn and does not like change. The MC saw that my wife was happier and I seemed to be getting better. But than my wife's mother got sick (almost passed away) and I become 3rd place in her life for over 2 months. In that time I gave up and she slipped back to the norm that she is comfortable with.

Are you both just settling into a loveless marriage because it's easier than working on it? Are you settling because you are just giving up...lost all hope? Not sure how your affair ended, but would you say your wife is Plan B? Would you have left your wife for the OW if there was that opportunity? And how does your wife feel about being in a loveless marriage? She doesn't miss the intimacy/emotional connection?

You ask a lot here let me see what can give you for answers.

Yes I have pretty much given up on getting what I want from my marriage. It is what it is and I am tried of trying to get what I desire. I have come to terms with that as well. There is love but not that passion that so many people (including me) want.

Working at it??? I know marriage builders says that one side can work on it and get the other party to eventually come around. At first I was a fanatic about trying to have with my wife that connection I had with the OW. I read and tried anything I could find. But you know what after months of that you just give up. Those little acts of kindness etc... never did anything for me. They never made me feel closer to her. She enjoyed it but I never really got a benefit from it (not talking just about sex either).

Was my wife plan B? Well my marriage was never really on the table, as strange as that may sound. But towards the end it did become something I was willing to give up to be with OW. What caused that shift was the idea coming from the OW about a future with her. When those conversations started I let opened up my emotional vault, which was a mistake. So not really sure how to answer what the real answer to this question is. Would I leave if the OW became available right now I would say no, I have my own issues now that would come along with me and screw that up as well.

My affair ended because the OW's husband found out a bit(nothing concrete though). Enough that it caused them to start MC and discussions. They came very close to divorce, with me talking to her the whole time (not recommended btw). It just became one of those things where real life took over.

I am sure my wife misses the whole emotional/intimacy that we had at one time. She makes little comments here and there that let me know that. There have been times where the opportunity was there to get that back, but she let those opportunities go by.

Tell you what if you or ANYONE can give me ideas of how to change the situation I am all for ideas. See one thing I have always been jealous of here is those passionate BS's that work very had with their WS to "fix things". I don't have that. My wife is very much used to me taking care of things and she just goes along. For me that worked out at first, since I do like protecting people. But after a while I need someone that is willing to fight me for control so that I can let go. Someone that has a personality strong enough to keep me interested since I have to keep changing to keep them interested.

If anyone just wants to post how I am selfish, I don't deserved my wife etc... Don't bother posting what would be the point? If you have something that would help I am all ears.

How about I completely surprise you and tell you that I think you should be MORE selfish at this point? :)

If she's not meeting your emotional needs...this needs to be CLEARLY communicated, along with just how urgent it is that she do so...and it needs to be done with your MC.

You need to tell her that you're not happy with how it is...and if it's bad enough that you'd consider cheating again...or consider divorcing over it...she needs to hear that. She needs to understand what she needs to change, and she needs to clearly hear and understand the risks of NOT changing.

Make sense?

I know she is motivated to save the marriage, but working to affair proof it no. I am the one that has changed to affair-proof me.

pkn, did you and your wife both have affairs ?

PKN,

My advice has not changed since your last round of threads months ago.

Your needs were NOT being met in the M so you stepped outside to meet them.

Now that your A is over, you find yourself in an unenviable situation: you ended the A because of the OW and find yourself again in the position which led you to the A. Except now you KNOW (I hope) that A's solve NOTHING. So you feel trapped, not wanting to file for D and unwilling to cheat.

The ONLY person you can change is YOU. You cannot change your W. The ONLY person capable of changing your W is your W. And she isn't changing to meet your needs. Again.

I would urge you to live a happy and not just content life. Do NOT settle. Do NOT accept second best. YOU deserve happiness. And if your W does NOT make you happy...you have a choice.

1) Communicate your needs per Owl. Do it in MC, IC and over the kitchen table. Make your needs known. I would add a twist though. Ask your W how YOU can meet HER needs.

2) Divorce. I filed my D all of ten days ago and the stbxw moves out this weekend. I fought the hard fight and gave up. Wanna know why? SHE didn't change. SHE didn't meet my needs. Needs I clearly articulated over months...both in MC and at home.

I DO empathize with you as I faced that terrible decision too...stay and be "content" with a W who will NOT meet my needs...or D and start a new life. For me, I simply could no longer bear her UNWILLINGNESS to change - it was a daily slap in the face. And I know in time it will wear me down...time and pressure break all things.

My advice...file for D. If she will NOT change...then you WILL be miserable. Choose a happy life for you and your children.

My .02

Well said JW and Owl. Very very well said. Marriage and family are precious but not all marriages are meant to survive. Both people have to be willing to work on it.

I know she is motivated to save the marriage, but working to affair proof it no. I am the one that has changed to affair-proof me. The emotional pain is just not worth the relationship.

Your wife is not motivated enough. The affair didn't serve as a wake-up call to her. She barely flinched, rolled over and went back to sleep.

I will venture to say she isn't even afraid of losing you...at least not afraid ENOUGH. She's content to exist in a mediocre marriage and has little fear that you will object to doing the same. You must have done a great job convincing her that you will never ever stray again, because she is not even interested in safe-guarding her marriage to prevent it from happening again. SHE HAS NO MOTIVATION TO CHANGE.

She has been working on number one above, the others not so much.

She may have worked on her physical appearance more for herself than for you or the marriage..a way to get her own self esteem back after you crushed it with the affair.

To work on the marriage, she has to be willing to give. And that means focusing on the needs you have that give her an opportunity to give. From your previous posts it seems to me your greatest need and the one in which she has the greatest opportunity to give to you is your need for sex....good sex.

You will probably never have mind-blowing sex with your wife like with an affair partner just because the "newness" factor doesn't exist anymore, but it can be spiced up if you are both willing to work at it.

Our MC told my husband and I that to bring "newness" into our relationship (not just the bedroom) we BOTH need to step out of our comfort zones...step out of the box. It's scary and it's uncomfortable but doing it not only makes you grow as a person, it helps the relationship grow and reach new heights.

If your wife is unwilling to step outside her comfort zone or if she is uninterested in nurturing the relationship so that it can grow into something you can both be happy in, then you have two choices:

divorce or accept.

Like jwi71 said, you are trapped in an unhappy marriage. You can either accept it and remain unhappy or you can free yourself and find happiness elsewhere.

I really don't know why. She was working on the sex one but unless I constantly pushed she just went back to the same old. We have talked about this a bit and sex really is not important to her. Anyone that tells you any sex is good sex has not had GOOD sex. Let me tell you what I have with her does not qualify.

Like I said, she is not motivated enough to change. And she is not afraid of losing you...you've assured her you are going nowhere.

Sex is not important to her? I do not believe this for one minute. If "great, mind-blowing sex" was dumped in her lap, she'd take it in a heartbeat. You even said she misses the sexual intimacy. The trick is for the two of you to find ways to have this kind of sex. But if she isn't even willing to try or to seize those opportunities....

Everything else she is content with.

BUT YOU AREN'T CONTENT WITH IT. There are two people in this marriage..not just one. How content would she be if you handed her divorce papers?

my wife is stubborn and does not like change.

And this is why this marriage will never evolve into anything better than what you have right now. What you see is what you will get for the next 10..20 years. Are you willing to live like this the rest of your life?

In that time I gave up and she slipped back to the norm that she is comfortable with.

And now you're both back in that sleepy little comfort zone (yawn).

I see affair temptation in your future. Are you going to spend the rest of your life fighting these temptations...fighting the urges to find some kind of happiness in your life? And what about resentment..not now or next year..but what about 10 years from now when you look back and tell yourself you could have been happy if it weren't for my wife and her unwillingness to meet my needs.

Yes I have pretty much given up on getting what I want from my marriage. It is what it is and I am tired of trying to get what I desire.

In the end, you make your own happiness, PKN. In the end you won't be able to blame your wife for your unhappiness. You will only be able to blame yourself for giving up and not taking the steps necessary to find the kind of happiness you want in your life. You only live one life. Your wife does not seem to place much value on your happiness. How much value do you place on it?

Get out. The sooner the better. My sympathies....

At first I was a fanatic about trying to have with my wife that connection I had with the OW. I read and tried anything I could find. But you know what after months of that you just give up. Those little acts of kindness etc... never did anything for me. They never made me feel closer to her. She enjoyed it but I never really got a benefit from it (not talking just about sex either).

You both have to be fanatics about it.

I know when my EA ended, it was my husband who became the fanatic about working on the marriage. I was in the midst of withdrawal from the OM. He carried the weight until i "came around." And now we are both fanatics.

PKN, no one would blame you for giving up on a marriage so one-sided. It takes two people to make a marriage work. If both aren't willing to save it or work on it, it's dead in the water.

Those little acts of kindness go both ways. It's a give and take thing.

You give her great conversation..she turns around and gives you great sex. You help with the kids, she compromises on the child-rearing guidelines. She gets more physically active...you join her. You tease her and joke with her...she flirts back.

It's a rhythm that can be hard to start..but once you get it going and keep working at it, it gets easier..and it becomes enjoyable..and then you smile and say, "Now, we're starting to click." And the more you click, the more you will want to click and before you know it , your marriage is getting back on track. BUT it takes two.

Was my wife plan B? Well my marriage was never really on the table, as strange as that may sound. But towards the end it did become something I was willing to give up to be with OW.

This doesn't sound strange to me at all. It just shows how much your needs were not being met in your marriage. If you were willing to give up an entire marriage to get one or two particular needs met, those are important needs.

What caused that shift was the idea coming from the OW about a future with her. When those conversations started I let opened up my emotional vault, which was a mistake.

I hear what you are saying here, PKN. But I wouldn't necessarily say it was a mistake to open the emotional vault. You were being honest and open with the OW. You let her know where you stood emotionally. She led you on and then in the end chose not to follow through. She had her own set of reasons, I'm sure related to her marriage.

Would I leave if the OW became available right now I would say no, I have my own issues now that would come along with me and screw that up as well.

And she would have baggage that you might not necessarily want to carry as well. She returned to her husband for a reason. She chose him over you. And that should be enough reason for you to never want to go there again. (Aside from all the troubles it caused in your own marriage.)

My affair ended because the OW's husband found out a bit(nothing concrete though). Enough that it caused them to start MC and discussions. They came very close to divorce, with me talking to her the whole time (not recommended btw). It just became one of those things where real life took over.

Again, it looks like she made a choice to return to her marriage for whatever reason. You returned to yours for whatever reason. So now what are you going to do from here? Was returning to the marriage the best choice for you? In five years, do you think you will believe you made the right choice? Your affair woke you up to deficiencies in your marriage..made you more aware of things that were missing. You can use the affair as a catalyst for change in your marriage BUT it takes two to make the changes necessary to improve the marriage.

My wife is very much used to me taking care of things and she just goes along. For me that worked out at first, since I do like protecting people. But after a while I need someone that is willing to fight me for control so that I can let go. Someone that has a personality strong enough to keep me interested since I have to keep changing to keep them interested.

What do you think would happen if you stopped taking care of things for awhile? What would happen if you gave up some of that control? What would your wife do? Would she step up to the plate or would she be totally lost?

If she's not meeting your emotional needs...this needs to be CLEARLY communicated, along with just how urgent it is that she do so...and it needs to be done with your MC.

I don't think that is a good idea. Thats like saying, "I cheated, you don't meet my needs, so I demand you meet them". He is a WS and needs to at least show a little humility.

yes, he should expect her to change, but not out of fear that he will cheat again. He needs to show the love too...not show a sense of entitlement.

You need to tell her that you're not happy with how it is...and if it's bad enough that you'd consider cheating again

Again, thats like saying, "do as i wish or I'll stick my d!ck in another woman". Not good.

...or consider divorcing over it...she needs to hear that. She needs to understand what she needs to change, and she needs to clearly hear and understand the risks of NOT changing.

I agree, but not under the threat of continued cheating.

Sure she needs to change, but now that he cheated, he has to show her that he doesn't want that. But thats a pretty big task since he did want that and cheated in the first place.

I don't think that is a good idea. Thats like saying, "I cheated, you don't meet my needs, so I demand you meet them". He is a WS and needs to at least show a little humility.

I dont agree with lot of what dexter says but I believe he is SPOT ON right here.

For a minute, i thought both pkn and his wife had affairs...

pkn, nope, I am not bashing you. I am just surprised you got so much support from owl, jw and others....almost sympathizing with what you said...

You seem to have a laundry list of what you want from your wife and wonder if you asked your wife the same question. And HELLO ???...you were the one who strayed...not your wife, right ?

And you are comparing your wife with what you found in OW ? Not fair at all, man. Not fair. No, I am not saying you dont deserve your wife. You have LOT of work to do.

And yes dont threaten your wife with another cheating....if there is one thing you must have learnt from an affair then it is NEVER to cheat again.

Tell you what if you or ANYONE can give me ideas of how to change the situation I am all for ideas. See one thing I have always been jealous of here is those passionate BS's that work very had with their WS to "fix things". I don't have that. My wife is very much used to me taking care of things and she just goes along

Let me see. You expect your wife to change and you dont want to ? Do you want to stay in the marriage or not ? Then CHANGE now ! Become passionate!....Fight for your marriage. To me, you seem to have given up even before the battle started.

You got plenty of support here (your poor wife got bashed up pretty good) and I feel sorry for her.

If you really want to work on your marriage then clean up the mess you left behind - courtesy your affair...

1) Change your behavior

2) Start meeting your wife's needs

3) Tell your wife what your needs are (she may or may not meet them...it is a long process....you have to win your wife back again)

4) Cut all your Love Busters

5) Dont EXPECT anything from her at this point. She may not even want to stay with you after what you have done. Remember, you had the affair, not her.

You may think I am bashing you. That's fine, if you think that way. Remember it takes years to recover a marriage from an affair. Are you that far along ?

Good luck. You can do it....May want to change your thinking a bit though for that to happen.

If you think you cannot change (yes please think about what you can do first and sustain that for alteast two years to give your marriage a shot of surviving) then you know what....Tell your wife that.

I'm going to second what Owl and some others have said about how you need to tell your wife exactly what you want and what will happen if she doesn't meet your expectations. I'm also going to add that you should be very specific.

How attractive should she be for you? What should her size be? Does she need to work on her skin? If she needs to loose a lot of weight, will she need surgery to remove excess skin (I know someone who couldn't be with their partner because of this issue)?

How much time per week do you want her to be active?

What topics would you enjoy talking about?

What to you is good sex? Do you want her to perform certain acts more? Are you willing to perform certain acts for her? Do you want her to do more positions? Dress up? Watch certain movies with you?

As far as child-rearing, how much time per day do you think each of you should spend with your children? How much work do you think each of you should put in with them?

If you be this specific, she'll know exactly what you need and will know if she can give you that or not. Hopefully, she'll let you know.

Honestly, I don't see how this can ever work out but if you want to try than good luck.

I don't think that is a good idea. Thats like saying, "I cheated, you don't meet my needs, so I demand you meet them". He is a WS and needs to at least show a little humility.

 

yes, he should expect her to change, but not out of fear that he will cheat again. He needs to show the love too...not show a sense of entitlement.

 

Again, thats like saying, "do as i wish or I'll stick my d!ck in another woman". Not good.

 

I agree, but not under the threat of continued cheating.

 

Sure she needs to change, but now that he cheated, he has to show her that he doesn't want that. But thats a pretty big task since he did want that and cheated in the first place.

I see what you are saying here, Dexter, BUT,

I don't think his wife "gets" it. I think she has minimized his affair: "Oh, you bad little boy. You should have known better. Now, can you run to the store and pick up a gallon of milk."

At least this is the impression I get.

It isn't a fear of cheating again or a threat of cheating again. It's a fear of losing her marriage...a threat of losing her marriage. I don't think the affair served as a big enough wake-up call to his wife that she is on the verge of losing this marriage. I think she just believes he strayed, he's back, he's not going anywhere anytime soon again. Carry on....

I also get the impression PKN has tried to do all the things a WS does to salvage a marriage he destroyed, but his wife is not responding. He says nothing in his posts to suggest she is not responding because she's been too devastated by the affair...that she's been too hurt or upset..to ever love him again.

She agreed to go to counseling with him. She agreed to work on the marriage with him. But she is not DOING anything to meet his needs that were not being met prior to the affair.

Looks like they have both given up.

Very interesting thread. I do wonder what his wife would say about this situation. Interesting none the less.

It would be ideal for this situation to have your wife post also. Can you show her this site and your thread here, in order that we may gain a better insight?

I have always beleived in hearing BOTH sides to an issue; It truly gives a much more detailed perspective. If it is possible to share this site with her-even if you have to leave it up onscreen for her to see-would you be willing?

BTW, you have truly re-inforced my theory that most men stray due to lack of good/great/hot/nasty/spicy sex.....

Ive always thought it was really odd creepy actually when both spouses post. Its something I would not reccomend PKN. Very voyeuristic and you would lose an outlet for your thoughts. An internet version of the Jerry Springer show....

There's the old saying that goes something like "there's three sides to a story: Your side, my side, and the truth". It would be interesting to hear all sides of the story hear but I do agree that it is somehow creepy when two spouses post here. I wouldn't want my husband to come on LS and post. It would be too personal.

I agree couples shouldn't hash out their personal lives on an anonymous internet forum. It just becomes too uncomfortably personal. Better to be done in MC.

Yet, it would be helpful to know what the wife is thinking..what her perspective is. It's tough to get a handle on a situation without knowing both sides of the story. Gaps in a story lead to assumptions being made that might not be accurate at all.

PKN, can you share with us what's inside your wife's head as objectively as possible? Curious minds want to know. Apologies if this is getting way too personal. No one wants you to divulge more than you are comfortable with.

Be VERY specific with your wife, if you haven't already been so. Generalizations don't work. My husband for instance wanted me to wear jeans instead of my comfortable black streteches. He wanted me to go out one night a week and be involved with something outside the family. He wanted me to cook healthier meals. He wanted me to initiate sex more....still working on that one . Don't set your wife up for failure by leaving it up to her to figure it out when she obviously doesn't have the mind set to be what you need her to be on her own. Don't be so serious about it either...it just makes her feel guilty and inadequate. Remind her in a playful way, even if you become frustrated with her progress.

You have to be a fanatic with your marriage and give it your ALL. If you do that for a good stretch of time and you STILL see no change in her than you will have the knowledge that you gave the marriage EVERYTHING you have and you just can't do anymore. Make the necessary changes in yourself for yourself and your wife and if in the end it doesn't work you'll be that much healthier for the next relationship.

PKN, have you considered the possibility that your wife has emotionally checked out of your marriage? Your infidelity may have completely severed that connection you are trying to build.

In my marriage (long dead) I got the "I need space" speach from my WS, who I didn't know was having affairs with men long and short term. I had not strayed. A few months after her not acting on the "space" speach, months doing nothing to give herself the "space" (her long term BF was shocked, and wasn't ready to start a full time relationship... yet) my now ex pretended to re-committ to the marriage.

All went swimmingly for about 18 months then one day "Poof" she was gone. She had pretended to "recomitt" to buy herself time to do what she really wanted to do.

As I read your post I wonder if this might not be the case in your relationship as well.

Good Luck.

Also, be specific with yourself about what you want out of your wife. You say you want her to be more attractive, but in what way? If your expecting her to turn into a barbie doll, it isn't going to happen. If your expecting to have the sexual energy of a 19 year old male, it isn't going to happen. If you're wanting her to be something she is not, you need to acknowledge this and set both of yourselves free.

You have to be a fanatic with your marriage and give it your ALL. If you do that for a good stretch of time and you STILL see no change in her than you will have the knowledge that you gave the marriage EVERYTHING you have and you just can't do anymore.

I know not all can do it. May be that's why not all marriages can be saved.

I don't think that is a good idea. Thats like saying, "I cheated, you don't meet my needs, so I demand you meet them". He is a WS and needs to at least show a little humility.

 

yes, he should expect her to change, but not out of fear that he will cheat again. He needs to show the love too...not show a sense of entitlement.

 

 

Again, thats like saying, "do as i wish or I'll stick my d!ck in another woman". Not good.

 

 

I agree, but not under the threat of continued cheating.

 

Sure she needs to change, but now that he cheated, he has to show her that he doesn't want that. But thats a pretty big task since he did want that and cheated in the first place.

Now here is a shocker I agree with you Dexter. I don't want to have to use the threat of divorce or cheating to get what I want. That does not make for a good relationship in my view. You should WANT to meet your spouses needs.

I do not show entitlement at home in any way. I come here to vent about that.

Couple of other things.

Taylor on the sex thing it really is NOT that important to my wife. She thinks what we have is "normal" type of activity and quality. Why because she was NEVER with anyone else before me. Tell you what (yes being arrogant here) I am good at what I do, but she has nothing to compare against so she thinks it's no big deal. So I have given up on this.

Now what happens in 5 years down the road I don't know. I ask myself that question a lot. But here is the thing. I look at what makes me unhappy and I weight that against the effects a divorce would have on my child and I can't emotionally make that leap. The at least 30% decrease in income and the effects that studies show low conflict marriage divorces have one kids all keep me in place. Believe me I have talked to my IC about this in depth and right now I just do the best I can.

I don't worry about my wife making me happy anymore, I do that. I have picked back up hobbies that I put on the wayside. I always to invite my wife to participate she doesn't want to that is her choice. But I am done trying to force my wants/needs on her.

PKN, have you considered the possibility that your wife has emotionally checked out of your marriage? Your infidelity may have completely severed that connection you are trying to build.

I got to wondering about this as well, Lakeside. Maybe PKN's wife checked out of the marriage a long time ago...maybe even before the affair. Who knows, maybe she is having her own affair, therefore, not interested in sex with him and not taking initiative to save the marriage.

All speculation. We really don't know. Hope the OP can shed some light.

Sorry..our posts crossed!

Here after reading a few more of the responses let me give more feedback.

1) My wife will not post, she does not like the internet thing.

2) I have been VERY specific about those things I would like. I get rolled eyes and snotty comments and sometimes though she will do them. I talked to the MC about this and she does find it strange how my wife responds to things.

3) The sex thing that was NOT what made me available to the OW. It was more of the attention and the give and take that attracted me that direction. The hot sex came out of that feedback but was not the original reason for straying.

4) 65tr6 you make all good points that things I have already done. Nothing like following the "plan" that works for so many to see it crash and burn. But not in a hateful way (I would understand that), but more in just a business as usual way. It is very frustrating because I WANTED that connection I had with the OW with my wife. At one time we HAD that but it faded for many reasons outside of my control.

5) I am in this marriage until it is fixed or I can emotionally leave. How long that will take I don't know. But I am doing nothing "rash" for the reasons I outlined in my other post.

Hey THANK YOU to everyone that has posted.

I got to wondering about this as well, Lakeside. Maybe PKN's wife checked out of the marriage a long time ago...maybe even before the affair. Who knows, maybe she is having her own affair, therefore, not interested in sex with him and not taking initiative to save the marriage.

 

All speculation. We really don't know. Hope the OP can shed some light.

 

Sorry..our posts crossed!

Let me give you another piece of information. (yes I on purpose give little facts since once something is in the internet it is there forever. Giving personal facts is something I do very carefully).

My wife is not from this country and so cultural issues play into this as well. I know little of how her mother and father were but I get the feeling they did not show public affection much. I know her parents loved each other (father has passed away) since her mother talks very fondly of him.

My wife emotionally checked out of the marriage? Don't know the answer to that. She still likes all the affection I give her but does not do the same. She did make an "interesting" comment last week that she realized she gives the dog more affection than me. She did seemed shocked by that revelation. It is something I have seen for a long time (before affair happened or was revealed).