Just a hunch, not totally sure, that ex-gf is getting feelings back

I just recently got out of a relationship with a wonderful girl, we dated for just short of 6 months. When we had met, we instantly fell for each other. Like a love at first sight deal. We didn't take time to develop a friendship, (mistake #1) but we felt like we had known each other for longer, but we did have a lot in common. Over the summer, she lived 2.5 hours away from me, and we drove to see each other every week or so, not too often, but enough to stay in contact. Well, when I had met her, she had already picked to go to another school, a real difficult school, that was well-known. The college I was at was 3 hours away, about 160 miles. For the first two months of this school year, things were great. We didn't get physical too soon (we waited just over two months into the relationship), I felt a closeness to her and she felt the same for me...we even began to talk about the future (mistake # 2). But it felt so right. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has been here before. I even gave her my class ring and a promise ring after 4 and a half months. We had already been through a lot. One night I went to see her, and her family and herself had made me a candlelight dinner for her and I, with steak, mashed potatoes, and sparkling grape juice. Then in mid-june, she had shoulder surgery, and I took four days out of work to drive up there and be with her, to help take care of her. And for my 20th b-day, she bought me tickets to a baseball game, all things I will never forget.

Out of the blue one day about 3 weeks ago, she said that she wasn't feeling it anymore, and wanted a break. I was shocked, but I still asked why. She said something about "freedom, and that I need to explore college life." and "I need to discover who I am." She left it open to possibly come back, and that if so, we were meant to be. I understood, but still wondered why she had to get rid of me to feel that way. I mean, I lived 3 hours away, I wasn't always around her. Anyways, she had been talking about transferring to here to be with me and all of her friends that come here, whom I have become good friends with as well through this. Then, she decided to stay there another year. It was just a shock...and one of my friends had passed away throughout this as well.

Things are getting better. We hadn't talked for a few days, and I told her that I was going out to a little dance party thing with some friends. Well, needless to say, the next day, she talked to me, and we have ever since, not very much every day, but we talk some. She is bringing home a male friend from school back home with her to go to a play at her old high school, and I am going to be there too with one of her male friends I go to school with, who I am good friends with now through this. I don't think that they (her and the guyfriend she's bringing back) are dating, b/c her roommates have told me she isn't really looking at a relationship, that she just wants to make friends, and I believe her b/c I have always trusted her. I was just a little wary b/c I had heard from her roommates this guy was out for one thing, b/c my ex was on the rebound. He was also a jerk to me when he had talked to me once before. I guess there isn't any harm with bringing friends home just to hang out, though. I'm getting the chance to meet this guy and I want to see if he is like they say.

Lately, though, I have been noticing things. Since the breakup two and a half weeks ago, she has not brought up the idea of giving back my promise ring and my class ring. Add the fact that she talked to me after I went out with friends, and we have talked about 5-10 minutes a day since then, mainly small talk (how's it goin, how's your day, etc), that she may still have feelings for me, or lost them, and is now getting them back. I mean, we did have some great memories. Nothing big. I'm not totally buying into this, but it's just a hunch. We have a lot of memories together, as I said, and I believe they are worth holding onto. We just went a little too fast, and I would like to start over and begin a new friendship and build from there, and do it the right way, and if it doesn't work I have a better friend out of the deal. If we do get back together, it will be much different, but it will be a stronger connection in the end. I realize that we went too fast, and I just want the opportunity to spend time with her and build something possibly from there. I just enjoy her company so much. I sent her a letter earlier yesterday, don't know that it was a good idea, all I told her is that I missed seeing her, that I enjoy spending time with her, and that I am here for her if she ever needed someone to talk to. She is probably going to say something about the letter, I'm kinda hoping she does. But after that, I plan on giving her some more space. Depends on what happens. I feel like this is worth saving, we were so close to taking this relationship to a much deeper level. I just hope she can find it in herself to do the same. I feel like I am doing the right thing...but any feedback is helpful. Thanks!

I think that maybe instead of focusing on what your ex may or may not want, you need to think about what you want, and what you find acceptable.

Right, so you'd like to save the relationship, get back together. Have you been clear on that point, or have you been kind of hanging back, taking a wait-and-see stance? Don't put yourself in limbo. Don't try to get her to see that she wants what you want. She'll figure out what she wants, it's not something that you can facilitate or influence by sticking around with your fingers crossed. I understand you're not just sitting home by yourself, you're doing other things. But you're not being proactive in this relationship.

If I were you I would tell her something like this: I would like to have our romantic relationship back. If you're not into that, I understand. I'm not sure how much I will want to be in touch with you if that's the case, because of course I need to be able to move on if we're not getting back together right now. And if we're not getting back together, I would like to have my class ring and promise ring returned right away please. No hard feelings there, but obviously if we're not together those are not things that should be in your possession. I'm sure you understand.

If you say something like that, something that directly states what you want and what you feel, you will free yourself from wondering and waiting. You won't be trying to manipulate her if you're just honest about what you want (and honest with yourself too, that's very important).

You might say: but I'd rather wait and see, stay in limbo for a little while if she just needs some time to make up her mind. Really? How much time would you be willing to give? How will you feel if the "time off" turns out to be "goodbye" because she starts something up with another guy.

I'm not suggesting that you want to break up with her, of course you don't. But if you can't have a) getting back together, then ultimately you want b) moving on and getting over her. Those are your two choices.

It's hard to remember that we can't know what's going on in another person's mind. It's hard to remember that people won't always see things the way that we do, even if it seems perfectly obvious that we're right. And most of all, we can't make up other people's minds for them. Believe me, I have struggled with such problems for a long time. Even if we're quite sure we're right and that sooner or later the person in question will come to see things our way, it's impossible to force them to see anything, nor even to coax them. They'll see it when and if they're ready. All we can do is figure out what we want ourselves, be honest about it, and accept that sometimes we don't get what we want, but at least we know we gave it our best shot.