My first post on LoveShack

A friend suggested that I post my situation on this forum.

I have been with my s/o since August of 2000. January was 5 years we've been living together.

He is not yet divorced & his wife has been seeing someone now for 3 years.

I thought maybe you would ask me questions rather than posting the whole 7 years of my relationship.

I don't know why I chose to come here. Maybe it's the couple of issues still bugging me about him still being so-called married.

Holy hell! Why haven't they gotten divorced yet?? That's a long time - geesh!

If I were you, I would push him to divorce asap... because here in Canada, the wife is still the 'legal wife' until the divorce is pronounced... so if he has any pension plans, life insurance, etc... she is entitled to her half or maybe more if he dies.

He thinks it's no big deal. Of course there are $$ issues. She can't afford to file & neither can he.

If I were you, I would push him to divorce asap... because here in Canada, the wife is still the 'legal wife' until the divorce is pronounced... so if he has any pension plans, life insurance, etc... she is entitled to her half or maybe more if he dies.

I'm not worried about her taking 1/2. She can have it. I'm more worried about what would happen if he was to fall ill. She can stop me from going to the hospital & such. That upsets me the most.

Isnt there a state in the US where you can do a divorce cheap? im just guessing.

Isnt there a state in the US where you can do a divorce cheap? im just guessing.

Yes. I completed my divorce on my own using a document service. Cost $389.00 & was final in 90 days. There was no property settlement to be done in my case. So it was cut & dry.

So in practical, precise terms, what exactly does it mean that neither of them "can afford to file"?

He thinks it's no big deal. Of course there are $$ issues. She can't afford to file & neither can he.

My friend is just now getting divorced after being separated from her husband for 18 years -- yes 18 years. They both have dated others (nothing serious) and have led separate lives. It was always a money issue for both of them. Finally she is in a better position financially to carry it out. There is no custody issue because her daughter is now an adult. They own no property together so that also makes it less complicated.

She is not going through an attorney but having it handled through a paralegal service. It can be done for under $1,000 if both parties agree on everything.

So in practical, precise terms, what exactly does it mean that neither of them "can afford to file"?

It's is costly to hire an atty. She has major debt to take care of also.

My friend is just now getting divorced after being separated from her husband for 18 years -- yes 18 years. They both have dated others (nothing serious) and have led separate lives. It was always a money issue for both of them. Finally she is in a better position financially to carry it out. There is no custody issue because her daughter is now an adult. They own no property together so that also makes it less complicated.

 

She is not going through an attorney but having it handled through a paralegal service. It can be done for under $1,000 if both parties agree on everything.

He just recently signed the house over to her. She needed him to sign so she can do a debt consolodation. His 3 children are grown. 2 sons are 21 & 27 & his daughter is 14. He pays weekly support voluntarily for his daughter. Neither of them have a pot too pee in or a window to throw it from.

Wow! 18 years!

He just recently signed the house over to her. She needed him to sign so she can do a debt consolodation. His 3 children are grown. 2 sons are 21 & 27 & his daughter is 14. He pays weekly support voluntarily for his daughter. Neither of them have a pot too pee in or a window to throw it from.

Wow! 18 years!

Do you see yourself married to your SO some day? Five years is a long time to live together especially since he is still legally married to someone else. Plus if God forbid something happens to him, you get nothing. Is there anything you can do help him along with this? I would contact a paralegal service and see if they can provide you with more information. A consultion does not cost anything. It appears it could be an amicable split between the two of them.

Do you see yourself married to your SO some day? Five years is a long time to live together especially since he is still legally married to someone else. Plus if God forbid something happens to him, you get nothing. Is there anything you can do help him along with this? I would contact a paralegal service and see if they can provide you with more information. A consultion does not cost anything. It appears it could be an amicable split between the two of them.

No. I'm not interested in marriage. Did it once & that's enough.

And I know that I get nothing if something should happen to him (God forbid). I don't feel it's my place to help him along with the divorce. He has to want to do it. Maybe staying married has it's financial perks for the both of them. Who knows:confused:

Everthing has been amicable between them so far. She has the marital home & the shore house. That's all she requested from him.

So in practical, precise terms, what exactly does it mean that neither of them "can afford to file"?

I suppose you're French... I am...I just want to let you know that there is a spelling error in your signature... 'part' has no 's' at the end...

Sorry... grammatical errors, especially in French is one of my pet peeve.

Everthing has been amicable between them so far. She has the marital home & the shore house. That's all she requested from him.

Uh, the shore house? Perhaps if they are so poor and she is so much in debt, selling their vacation property might help them get their financial act in order.

And I can see why things are amicable on her end...she just had the marital home signed over to her, she has the shore house, he's voluntarily paying child support - he sounds plenty generous unless there are other significant financial assets that he retained.

What I don't see is how he would be beneifitting from staying married. As her husband, he is legally responsible for all debts she incurs. So, if her debt consolidation doesn't help her pay off her debts - and she keeps incurring more debt - creditors can go after him to get paid. Doesn't sound like a good deal for him financially at all.

Sorry... grammatical errors, especially in French is one of my pet peeve.

Sorry...lies, especially in English are one of my pet peeves.

40 going on 55

Uh, the shore house? Perhaps if they are so poor and she is so much in debt, selling their vacation property might help them get their financial act in order.

 

And I can see why things are amicable on her end...she just had the marital home signed over to her, she has the shore house, he's voluntarily paying child support - he sounds plenty generous unless there are other significant financial assets that he retained.

 

What I don't see is how he would be beneifitting from staying married. As her husband, he is legally responsible for all debts she incurs. So, if her debt consolidation doesn't help her pay off her debts - and she keeps incurring more debt - creditors can go after him to get paid. Doesn't sound like a good deal for him financially at all.

Yesterday, she informed him that since she did the debt consolidation, both of thier names are on his boat. She will write him a check & he will pay off his boat. She has the marital home & shore house, he can keep his boat. He's ok with that. That's all there is of the marital property.

If she can so easily write him a check to pay off the boat. Why not file for the divorce already?

If she can so easily write him a check to pay off the boat. Why not file for the divorce already?

Great question. I'll ask him about that. Maybe they can include the divorce fee in the consolidation.

A friend suggested that I post my situation on this forum.

I have been with my s/o since August of 2000. January was 5 years we've been living together.

He is not yet divorced & his wife has been seeing someone now for 3 years.

I thought maybe you would ask me questions rather than posting the whole 7 years of my relationship.

I don't know why I chose to come here. Maybe it's the couple of issues still bugging me about him still being so-called married.

"Just believe and never question"... that signature alone tells too much about what is going on here!! WTF?? WHY are YOU still in a relationship with this man? He has no good excuse to not have signed divorce papers by now. What are these crazy people waiting for? I'D RUN!!

I suppose you're French... I am...I just want to let you know that there is a spelling error in your signature... 'part' has no 's' at the end...

 

Sorry... grammatical errors, especially in French is one of my pet peeve.

whoops...fixed! (ok, can't resist - it's "pet peeves". )

Topic -

Uh, the shore house? Perhaps if they are so poor and she is so much in debt, selling their vacation property might help them get their financial act in order.

 

And I can see why things are amicable on her end...she just had the marital home signed over to her, she has the shore house, he's voluntarily paying child support - he sounds plenty generous unless there are other significant financial assets that he retained.

 

What I don't see is how he would be beneifitting from staying married. As her husband, he is legally responsible for all debts she incurs. So, if her debt consolidation doesn't help her pay off her debts - and she keeps incurring more debt - creditors can go after him to get paid. Doesn't sound like a good deal for him financially at all.

my thoughts exactly. boat?? shore house??? hm. there's plenty of money there to finance a divorce. seriously, i will never understand this "i can't afford a divorce" argument. it sounds good and reasonable and practical on the face of it, but as soon as you scratch it a little, it's always revealed to be highly specious.

it's been five years. my take is, he's not getting a divorce for some complicated emotional reasons. money is just not the issue here.

Playing devils advocate here....

Think the wife is still holding a torch for the husband or the other way around.

He did leave the W for TF. That should say something I would think

ah, i was wondering who left who.

i was just adding this to my post but YSM was too quick for me...but it's related to what she just wrote actually.

i wanted to add that i'm not saying he necessarily wants her back...i mean, maybe he just doesn't like change. but it's easy to throw up a bunch of money obstacles as a blind to the real issues, which i suspect he simply doesn't want to deal with and so is postponing for as long as possible. maybe he feels unresolved about splitting up with her - if she left him, he may want closure; if he left her, he may feel guilt. maybe he's afraid that if he divorces her, makes it all final and official, he'll end up married again and he fears that (i know you said you don't want to get married, but perhaps he doesn't quite believe you??) who knows. you know him best, you can probably suss out what his real issues are, if you really search for them.

I don't believe either one is holding a torch for the other. I do believe that $$ is the issue here. That's the only issue here as to why neither one has filed yet.

ah, i was wondering who left who.

 

i was just adding this to my post but YSM was too quick for me...but it's related to what she just wrote actually.

 

i wanted to add that i'm not saying he necessarily wants her back...i mean, maybe he just doesn't like change. but it's easy to throw up a bunch of money obstacles as a blind to the real issues, which i suspect he simply doesn't want to deal with and so is postponing for as long as possible. maybe he feels unresolved about splitting up with her - if she left him, he may want closure; if he left her, he may feel guilt. maybe he's afraid that if he divorces her, makes it all final and official, he'll end up married again and he fears that (i know you said you don't want to get married, but perhaps he doesn't quite believe you??) who knows. you know him best, you can probably suss out what his real issues are, if you really search for them.

He left her.

Why is it so hard to believe that $$ could be the issue here?